The World Turned Over
by Morgen86
Summary: Meredith and Derek discover what is worse: the pain of keeping secrets, or the aftermath of the telling. Set in early Season 2. Decidedly MerDer. Completed!
1. You Again

_Okay...so, it's time for a new story. I didn't expect to have time to start writing this until after finals. However, I'm sick with one of those horrible evil colds, so...all desire to go out and do anything at all has been sucked out of me. Completely. I just want to sit in my nice comfy room and write. Inbetween bouts of furious nose blowing of course. So yes, a new story. This isn't the sequel to And It All Falls Apart, because like I said...I have Mark Sloane issues. I don't particularly want to write a story involving lots of Mark because of said Mark issues, which are very many...so I will not bore you all by elaborating. So I'm going with this story instead. I rather love the plot. However, I planned it out while laying in bed suffering from the previously mentioned evil cold. Due to my bad sick mood, it's angsty. Very angsty. Some might even say it's angst-tastic. Now I like writing the pain and the separation more than the fluff, so I'm excited. (Not sure what that says about me, but anways...) Just thought I'd give a heads-up. I think it shall get fairly angst-tastic. I'm really starting to like that word..._

_ Anyway, the important stuff. Or, what you need to know to make sense of the story. It's set in early Season 2. Specifically, after episode eight (SadMer w/the Hello Kitty Band-aid) but before episode nine (the Thanksgiving episode). Everything up until that point? It happened. Everything after that point? Not so much. Different things will happen. They have to. Otherwise, my story would be the same as Season 2, and what would be the point of that? We already know and love Season 2. This is different. Same characters, same personalities, blah blah blah...I think you get the picture already. So yes, it's alternaseason 2, and of course it's Mer/Der. I don't really seem to know how to write anything else._

_So yes, enough of my rambling. Hopefully you skipped all this and just went to the story. That'd be the sensible thing to do. (Except paragraph two. That kinda explains things.) Still...I'm officially shutting up now. Enjoy!  
_

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_"Cause every time I close my eyes,  
it's you again, you again  
And every time I hear your voice,  
I don't know what to do with myself" _  
You Again -- Kate Havnevik

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Meredith Grey never used to like working nights at the hospital. Overnight call was a thing to be dreaded. It pulled her away from a good night's sleep. It pulled her away from the familiar comfort of her own bed. But most importantly, it pulled her away from the warm arms of Derek Shepherd, offering nothing more in exchange than the dim lonely halls of the hospital at night. Overnight call used to be something to complain about, not something to look forward to. And certainly, it was never meant to be the sort of thing a person would request…just for the hell of it. At least, not something any sane person would request. Meredith Grey was fairly certain that she was still sane, despite the fact that she had done just that. She was also fairly certain her friends thought she was losing it. Izzie had looked up at her, eyes wide with shock, disbelief, and, after a moment, barely concealed delight, when Meredith had suggested (quite casually) that she'd take Izzie's overnight call for her. If Izzie didn't mind, of course. Meredith had rambled out a list of reasons-the extra experience, the interesting cases, the chance to scrub in on late night accidents. None of them were very durable lies, but sleep-deprived interns generally jump at the chance to get some more sleep. And so, Meredith had only had to suffer through a few minutes of incredulous looks before getting her way.

She hadn't even had to use the real reason behind it all to convince Izzie. Meredith liked to avoid mentioning the real reason as much as possible. It tended to fill her friends' eyes with pity, and twist her heart into something that felt stabbed and bruised. Still, the truth was pounding in the back of her head as her feet slapped softly down the white halls of the hospital. It wasn't an easy thing to escape. Meredith figured that it's because it was so simple, so painfully simple, that it just stuck there in her mind…like an annoying song that was impossible to forget.

The truth was, she didn't know how to fall asleep in her own bed anymore. Not without Derek. Waking up and turning to face a cold empty half of a bed that still smelled vaguely of him was a horrible torture. The stark rigid shapes of the beds in the on call rooms were easier to wake up in. They were nothing more than a place to sleep-purely functional and free of memories.

And so Meredith clung to them, and to work, as much as possible. It was something that anchored her, at least a little bit. She felt exhausted all the time, but that was pretty easy to ignore. A hell of a lot easier to ignore than Derek Shepherd and his perfect wife. They seemed to be everywhere, all the time-in the stairwells and the elevators, in surgery, and in line at the cafeteria. If it wasn't one of them, it was the other, and occasionally it was both of them. Together.

But not at two am.

Meredith sighed as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail. Something vaguely approaching a smile stretched its way across her face. The hospital was sleepy at two am. The halls were dim, sort of off-white and filled with long shadows. Occasionally a few nurses would shuffle by to check on patients, or a bleary-eyed resident would stumble over to the coffee machine outside the locker rooms. Sometimes, the elevator would open and an intern from the never sleeping ER would walk off with a transfer patient. There was work to do, but it was a quiet busyness. Aside from major emergencies, attendings had better things to do at two in the morning. (Like sleep together in their shiny silver trailer. Except, Meredith was trying hard not to think about that.) Instead, she tried to focus on the fact that she could ride any elevator and round any corner in the hospital, and not come face to face with either Derek or Addison.

That was…until she did just that.

They seemed to notice each other's presence at exactly the same time, freezing within an instant of each other. Meredith swallowed hard, tightening her grip on the chart she was holding, silently thankful that she hadn't dropped it. She cast a cautious glance towards the nurses' station, where she'd been headed. Of course, at that moment, none of the night nurses were anywhere to be found. They were alone. She and Derek were entirely alone. He was just standing there, staring at her. Even with the long expanse of hall between them, Meredith could make out the dark stubble along the curve of his jawbone. His hair was a mess, the surgical cap he was wearing barely managing to contain the wild black strands. But most of all, Meredith noticed his eyes. It was impossible not to. They were twin pools of exhaustion, so worn out that their normal blue color had been replaced by a shadowy navy. They almost seemed bruised. At yet, they still managed to see straight into her, to her very center. Back when everything had been happy and whole between them, Meredith had told Derek he was looking at her like he'd seen her naked. Now, she wasn't sure what to call it…how to label that intensity…but apparently it was still stopping her in her tracks.

Meredith sighed inwardly; unwilling to scurry back around the corner, but not wanting to head any closer. Still, she didn't seem to have much of a choice. She fixed a determined half smile onto her face, and continued walking towards the nurses' station. Derek instantly followed suit.

"Dr. Shepherd," she mumbled tiredly, slapping her chart down and picking up a pen, as he halted next to her.

"Meredith." His reply was intimate and warm, the total opposite of her greeting. Meredith closed her eyes, not wanting to relax into the deep familiar tones of his voice, not wanting to feel how the sound of her name on his lips loosened the vice around her heart. But it did, and she had to fight the urge to look up into his eyes and smile. She started vigorously checking boxes on her patient's chart; the scrawl of her signature forming almost violently across the page. Derek sighed heavily, setting a file of his own down on the counter and flipping it open. He was watching her carefully for any further sign of recognition, but Meredith kept her eyes trained on the pages in front of her. "You're here late," he ventured at last, lazily picking up a pen and uncapping it.

Meredith gave a half shrug of her shoulders. "On call intern."

"Right…"

They both fell silent then, wordlessly making their way through their paperwork. Meredith tried to ignore him, but the space to her right where Derek was standing felt painfully alive. It was as if there was too much energy in the air, and it was making her whole body tingle. Besides, she argued crossly with herself, he kept looking at her. And she felt every stolen glance as clearly as if he'd laid his hand on her shoulder. Finally, the lines of her patient's chart seemed to blur together into incomprehensible gibberish, and she gave in to the desire to look up from the page. It wasn't the sort of thing she was intending to do…looking up through her eyelashes at her ex-boyfriend. At her _married_ ex-boyfriend. It just sort of happened. She'd been aiming for aloof. For cold. For icy. Ice queen even. Very my-world-still-turns-without-you-Derek. Only she felt all…melty…disgustingly melty. Meredith could practically imagine the frown on Cristina's face, but she just couldn't help it. Even though being near Derek made her heart, quite literally, ache, it also made her feel warm again. And so Meredith was looking at Derek, and smiling. And before she quite realized it, she was speaking as well.

"Why are you still here?" She was hoping her voice would at least maintain some of the iciness…some of the distance. But it didn't. The words formed softly on her lips, and some of the shadows disappeared instantly from Derek's eyes.

"I'd left," he said, leaning against the counter so that he was facing her. "And then some genius drove his car straight into a lamppost, so…" Derek shrugged his shoulders, pulling his surgical cap off and running a hand through his hair. "I came back."

"There was no neuro on call?"

"Just a resident. And well…you should've seen it Mer. This guy..." Derek trailed off, but Meredith could tell by the hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth that the surgery had been difficult. And a success.

"Needed you…" she finished softly, going back to absently double-checking the medicine dosages on her patient's chart.

"Apparently," agreed Derek with a hoarse laugh. Meredith shook her head, laughing slightly in response. Slowly, their eyes locked once more, and they stared at each other with matching smiles. "So," continued Derek, letting his elbow slide along the counter so that he leaned closer to Meredith. "Why exactly are you here?" Meredith raised a puzzled eyebrow, unsure of what he was getting at. "A nurse told me Dr. Stevens was on the schedule for tonight, only she never answered her page. I was forced to use one of Lawrence's interns instead." Derek shook his head ruefully, a grin playing across his face. "And honestly…they're just not as good."

"Derek," interrupted Meredith, her tone shocked, and close to scolding him.

"Seriously," he insisted, holding a hand up in protest. "You five are…probably the best interns I've worked with in a long time. Bailey's really good at what she does." Meredith nodded in agreement, failing to notice the change in his expression until it was too late. He'd already cocked his head to the side, the hint of a grin still playing at the corners of his mouth, as his eyes bored straight into her. His voice dipped low, and he spoke conspiratorially. "The real shame is…I find out now that you've been here all along."

His voice was too low, too close to a growl, and Meredith felt her heartbeat quicken instantaneously.

"Umm…I switched with Izzie," she stammered, stepping back slightly. "I, well…she…uh…she, we had a thing."

"A thing?"

"Yeah. You know…" Meredith felt her cheeks flush, and she looked down, fidgeting with her watchband. It always seemed to be too loose…or her wrists were too small. She wasn't sure. "A girl thing," she finished lamely, hoping desperately that Derek wouldn't press her for the real reason. Especially since _he_ was the real reason.

"That was nice of you," said Derek softly, sounding surprisingly genuine. "I remember how much you used to tell me how you hated working nights…"

"Yeah," managed Meredith. She felt suddenly hoarse, as if she'd gone all night without a drink of water, despite the water bottle resting beside her on the counter. "Things change Derek." The words were quiet, yet they sliced easily through the space between them. Derek nodded sadly, not answering at first. The heavy exhaustion that had been plaguing Meredith since early evening had vanished as she talked to Derek, but in the sudden moment of awkward silence, the tiredness came rushing back. Meredith felt her knees quiver slightly, and she leaned heavily on the counter. Her breath was a sharp hiss as she fought off an abrupt wave of lightheadedness.

"Meredith? Mer?" Derek's voice flooded with concern as Meredith swayed on her feet, stumbling forward. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…" she stammered, pressing a frustrated hand to her head, trying to will the room to stop spinning.

"Mer you're not fine. You're white," insisted Derek, taking in the sudden change in her complexion. Meredith took a shaky step away from him, and as she did, she swayed yet again. Before she could get in any further protest, Derek had taken her by the arm and was leading her to the chair behind the nurses' station. She sunk down gratefully into the seat, her head falling forward to rest against Derek's chest, as the room slowly stopped spinning. The fit of her head against his chest and the gentle pressure of his hand stroking her hair felt so familiar that it took Meredith a full moment to realize just how they were positioned. Derek was kneeling in front of her, and as she slowly straightened up, she saw that his eyes were wide with concern.

"I'm okay," she mumbled. Her voice was quiet and a little apologetic.

"You're okay?" he echoed questioningly. Meredith nodded her head and looked down, her gaze resting on their hands. Derek's hand lay on top of hers, their fingers linked loosely together with a casual, practiced intimacy that they weren't supposed to have anymore. That they hadn't had in weeks… And as she stared at their hands, Meredith realized she'd been wrong when she'd thought Derek looking at her was akin to him touching her. The sensations were worlds apart. Her whole self seemed to spiral outward from the point were their hands touched, as if the only part of her that was truly real…the only part of her that was grounded at all, was the little bit of her body that was touching his. Meredith gasped and withdrew her hand, clenching her fingers into a fist to ward off the sudden coldness of absence. "Meredith?" repeated Derek, still studying her face intently. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah…" She tucked a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. "I'm just tired Derek. I'm fine."

"Tired?"

"Yes Derek…tired." Meredith sighed and straightened up, stepping slightly away from him. "I'm an intern. It's practically my job to be tired."

"You should go get some sleep," he suggested gently. Meredith just laughed, a short bitter sound, and side-stepped him completely to grab the charts she'd set down. "Meredith, seriously," he insisted, following after her. "You have to at least lay down for a little bit."

"Can't. Not yet. I still have a patient to see."

"But you're tired," Derek continued. He reached out and extracted the chart from her hands.

"What are you doing?" snapped Meredith, glaring at Derek and the suddenly displaced chart. "Interns are supposed to be tired."

"But they're not supposed to sway."

Meredith folded her arms over her chest, deliberately ignoring her own desire to just sink back down into a sitting position again. She made her voice as cross as she could manage. "I'm not swaying."

"You were." Derek's voice left little room for argument, and it was followed instantly by the press of his hand against the small of her back. Meredith didn't quite know how to protest that. She didn't even know how to respond to it, as it had once more turned her body tingling and warm. And so she just let him lead her through the tangle of corridors, down towards the on call rooms at the far end of the floor. "I'll check on your patient. You just rest." Meredith simply nodded. It would take too much energy to argue with him. They stopped abruptly in front of the door to an empty on call room. "Give me your pager," said Derek, holding out his hand.

Meredith just looked at him incredulously. "What?"

"Your pager."

"Derek…it's my _job_ to carry this pager."

Derek frowned down at his watch, checking the time. "It's nearly three am. You have to be up in what…just over two hours for rounds?" Meredith nodded glumly. "Tell me how many hours you've slept tonight."

She shrugged. "About an hour." That was actually stretching it a little. She'd laid down around one, only to be paged within thirty minutes by one of the nurses.

"Exactly." Derek's voice was firm, but his eyes were gentle. "I don't want you to make yourself sick Mer." When he extended his hand for the pager a second time, Meredith felt herself complying, and handing it over. As he fastened it onto the waistband of his scrubs, Meredith gave in a little to her exhaustion, and let her head rest against the doorframe.

"You don't have to do this Derek," she murmured, looking up at him through heavy eyelids. He just tilted his head to the side slightly, raising a single confused eyebrow. "Play intern," she elaborated, gesturing aimlessly with one hand. "You know…be nice to me." Her voice trailed off, ending in a dejected shrug.

Derek shook his head, smiling sadly. "I want to," he said quietly. They stared at each other for a moment, painfully aware of the space between them. Meredith nodded, still not lifting her head from where it rested against the doorframe. She hated the shiver that ran through her body, and tried to smile instead. Only it felt curiously broken and twisted…an echo or a ghost of a smile, and nothing more. "Besides…I make a good intern," he continued with a smile that mirrored her own. "I don't sway."

"You don't sway," echoed Meredith numbly.

"No. And neither will you in the morning." Derek leaned towards her, his arm reaching out and pushing open the door to the dark on call room. "Get some sleep Mer." His voice was gentle and too familiar, and it left her murmuring her thanks and stumbling across the floor, to sink down onto the bed.

Meredith's legs folded easily beneath her. The bed felt infinitely soft and warm, and she was so tired. It was an aching heavy exhaustion that covered her whole body, not neglecting a single limb. However, the sound of the door clicking shut was painfully loud, and the silence that followed was even worse. A month ago, before Addison, the bed would've been twice as warm and twice as comfortable. Derek would've curled up beside her, his lips winding a soft whisper of a trail down her neck as he pulled her close to her. His voice would have been a low sound in her ear, and she would have slept against his chest, their breathing growing slow and even together.

Now, Meredith's shoulders shook slightly, and she pulled the thin sheet up around her. She screwed her eyes shut, willing herself to get the sleep that her body seemed so desperately to need. But her head still felt too light, too faint, and so she draped a sleep-heavy arm over her eyes to try and steady herself. Her mind swam with picture perfect images of Derek's face. His voice was still an echo within the silence of the room, and the phantom touch of his hands on her skin lingered over the length of her body. Meredith moaned a mingled sigh of sheer exhaustion and frustration as she rolled over to face the wall.

For an hour or so, she had let herself forget why she'd been avoiding Derek Shepherd. Only now, alone in the dark, reality came rushing back. It was simply too painful. The closeness, the nearness…and then, the sudden harsh contrast of nothingness. Meredith felt her eyes burning with unspilled tears, but kept her eyelids screwed resolutely shut. She didn't need him anymore, she reminded herself fiercely. Yet his name was the one constant in her mind until Meredith finally fell into a fitful sleep.

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_Okay...that's it for now. Meredith is sad and angsty and completely missing Derek. In short, she is the depressed little Mer of early last season. And Derek is, despite his own personal desires, married to his wife. There's not much to say, as this was mostly the introduction. Actually, it pretty much was the introduction. Anyway, chapter two should be up fairly soon seeing as my cold is still inflicting me with the desire to be a bum and just write. It might be up by tomorrow, but Saturday is much more likely. That's all folks! Please review!_


	2. It's Not Fair

_Hmm...chapter two. It's up within two days of chapter one. I think that might be a record for me. Maybe it's a sign that this story will be one of speedy updates. That would be nice. I might even give myself a nice friendly pat on the back. But yes, chapter two is here. My cold is almost gone, despite the many wishes for it to just hang out as my new, permanent writing buddy. Hee. Sorry to disappoint. Anyway, I still want my friendly pat on the back, so I'll try to keep updating this speedily even sans cold. Also, let's see...oh yes, there was a request for a bit less angst in the story. Hmm...(insert me making mumbly excuse noises)...well, let me try and explain. While it will be angst-tastic, it will not be the sort of story that is so sad that you want to jump off a bridge into a pool of hungry, waiting sharks. At least, I hope not. There will be some very sad angsty moments, however that will hopefully be balanced out by some sweet moments, some happy moments, and...dare I say it...a few purely fluffy moments. And if my story does somehow leave you in a pool of angst and tears, I promise I'll atone by writing the fluffiest oneshot in the world. I'm talking Mer and Der prancing through a field of flowers, singing songs, and riding about on their matching rainbow colored ponies. (Okay...not exactly, as that would, quite literally, kill me.) But my point is, I say that it's angst-tastic, but happiness will still exist within the plot. You know...briefly. For a moment or two..._

_Hee...please understand that I'm joking. I'm very glad you guys are liking the story so far. I was ridiculously nervous yesterday due to my easily shatterable little ego. But so far, so good. People are reading. Hopefully you all won't disappear after chapter two. Or you know...after making it through my rambling author's notes. And now, yep, time for chapter two. Oooh important to note, this chapter takes place about five or six days after the first chapter. They're not continuous. _

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Meredith stared blankly out of the window, her forehead pressed hard against the pane of glass, absently entertaining the hope that her skin would absorb some of the surface's coolness. The view was beautiful, even in the midst of all the gray and all the rain, and a few rays of early morning sunlight managed to make their way through the rainy veil to illuminate the hospital's wide walkway. But Meredith focused only on the raindrops, watching them roll down the giant window in a thousand little rivulets. She sighed heavily, shifting her head to expose a new expanse of slightly sticky, feverish skin to the cold glass. The weather had turned surprisingly brisk and damp overnight, although the briskness was honestly far more surprising than the dampness, and she knew if she were outside she would be shivering. The few people hurrying across the hospital parking lot were bundled tightly against the sudden chill, but Meredith didn't feel sorry for them at all. She felt far too overheated herself, her scrubs clinging uncomfortably to her body, and her stomach tense and unsettled. Besides, she'd found it was best to ignore the figures down below. The risk of her eyes landing on a familiar head full of thick raven hair was just too great. She wasn't exactly that good at disregarding the goosebumps Derek gave her; the disconcerting contrast between the warmth of desire and the sick ache of emptiness. And Meredith had learned it was never a good idea to tempt fate, especially when alone on an empty bridge just after dawn, while feeling pathetically weak and shredded. (Pathetically weak and shredded even by her new, post-ignorance-is-bliss standards, which…whenever she managed to be completely honest with herself for a minute…she realized had grown disturbingly high.) So Meredith just focused on the rain as she leaned heavily on the railing, feeling grateful that none of her patients were trying too terribly hard to die, and that her pager remained silent.

"Meredith?" came the sound of a familiar voice. Fortunately, it wasn't the warm deep tones of the man she'd just been thinking about (and _always_ seemed to be thinking about), so it wasn't an entirely unwelcome interruption, but the sound still forced her to drag her forehead away from the cooling surface of the window. She moaned slightly in protest as she straightened up, her fingers clenching to brace herself as she fought off a wave of the ill quavering feeling that had started sneaking up on her the past few days. "What's wrong?" continued the voice. "You look like crap."

"Thanks," said Meredith dryly, simultaneously raising an eyebrow and sighing as she turned to face her friend.

"No seriously, you look like crap. What happened to you?"

"Nothing Cristina," snapped Meredith, feeling suddenly tense. "I'm fine. I'm just not a morning person."

Cristina shot her a skeptical look, but snorted in agreement. "Who is?" She paused for a second, apparently contemplating her own question. "Except Bambi…and maybe Tinkerbell. You know, they're actually down there in the locker room right now, sharing a granola bar and talking about pancake toppings. Oh, and they're smiling Mer. Smiling! Who _smiles _at five thirty in the morning?" Meredith shook her head, but the corners of her mouth twitched upward.

"Apparently George and Izzie do."

"It makes you toxic…you know, I almost started talking to Evil Spawn," continued Cristina disgustedly.

"That bad?" asked Meredith. Cristina nodded her head.

"Sheer desperation. I had to escape. Is that…hey, why are you up here anyway?"

Meredith looked quickly down at the floor. "No reason," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders. Cristina raised one appraising eyebrow, looking far from satisfied.

"Don't tell me you were hiding from McDreamy?"

"What?" Meredith halted suddenly, pivoting around to face Cristina, the word coming out in a thin gasp. "No, I wasn't," she continued quickly. She shook her head slightly too emphatically. "I just…come up here to think. Sometimes…" She frowned, hating how cautious and uncertain she sounded, but her mind was too busy holding back a sudden onslaught of memories involving her and Derek on the bridge to pay much attention to her voice.

"Right," agreed Cristina, although the tone of her own voice was far from agreement and far closer to sarcasm. "He's a McBastard Mer. I say keep hiding from him."

"Right," echoed Meredith weakly. "A McBastard." She shuffled alongside Cristina in silence, forcing herself to keep moving. Every step felt far too labored, as if her legs had turned brittle and useless overnight.

"Oh…I forgot," said Cristina absently, digging into the front pocket of her lab coat. "Izzie said to give you this." She held out a very wrinkled paper bag.

"What's this?" asked Meredith, plucking the bag from Cristina's outstretched hand.

"Apparently breakfast. Izzie gave me a whole speech to repeat to you too about how she doesn't think you eat enough…very 'Hi, I'm a Stepford wife. Can I get you a side of Paxil with your waffles this morning?'" Meredith unfolded the bag, extracting an impeccably wrapped cranberry muffin from its depths. "See…very Stepford," whispered Cristina, her voice rich with both conspiracy and amusement.

"Izzie's a good baker," said Meredith quietly, cautiously peeling back the wrapper and examining the muffin. The usually inviting aroma seemed to have suddenly turned sickly sweet, and it sent the unsteady feeling that had been lurking in her legs rushing straight up to settle in her stomach. Meredith hastily rewrapped the muffin, dropping it unceremoniously back into the bag, as her teeth bit down sharp against her lower lip to ward off the impulse to gag.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Cristina as the bag was handed back to her. Meredith hesitated for a moment before swallowing hard and shrugging.

"Nothing. Just not hungry."

"Right," said Cristina, rolling her eyes. "What sort of person is on call all night, and then _doesn't_ want breakfast?"

"What? I'm fine," said Meredith distractedly, speaking more to herself than her friend. "Seriously…I'm fine." She shook her head sharply, pressing a hand to her forehead before sweeping her hair up into a messy ponytail. A hundred unwelcome thoughts were whirling through her mind, and with a slow shaky breath, Meredith did her best to silence them, suddenly longing for the numb forgetful state she'd grown used to. "Totally fine," she echoed to herself once more.

"Yeah…whatever you say Mer," muttered Cristina, already unwrapping the muffin once more and breaking off a piece.

Meredith turned and shot the muffin a withering glare, mumbling something about needing to check on a patient before rounds, as she hurried away down the hall. She barely heeded Cristina's comment that she was clearly anything but fine, wanting nothing more than to get far away from the smell of anything even remotely edible. She rounded a corner at full speed and pushed open a door, grateful that some small part of her brain was able to focus and find the way to the women's washroom. It was beautifully empty inside, every stall door resting ajar. Meredith staggered into the one at the far end, her hand instinctively locking the door before she sank down onto the ground, her head falling against her knees.

It wasn't that Meredith thought she was going to throw up exactly. But, her stomach was doing that horrible churning thing that usually followed close on the heels of too much tequila. She sighed and rested her forehead against the heel of her palm. It was far from comfortable, but the pain of pressing her wrist backwards offered a nice contrast to the quavering, nauseous feeling that seemed to be taking over her body. Meredith closed her eyes, doing her best to remember how to breathe in a normal even fashion.

Finally, the desire to hurl herself face first into the toilet seemed to be lessening, and Meredith slowly pulled herself back onto her feet. Standing up wasn't so horrible after all, and after a few minutes of leaning against the stall door, Meredith found she could walk on her own. She shuffled out of the stall and over to the sinks, one hand hovering cautiously over her stomach. She was keeping her mind deliberately closed. It was something Meredith had gotten rather good at over the years. The fact that she never got to grow up with a dad, her mother's Alzheimer's, Derek going home with Addison every night…they were all unpleasant things. _Painful_ things. Things one doesn't want to think about too closely. And so Meredith avoided the issues…at least, as much as possible. Derek was inherently hard to avoid, but she tried. And Meredith was trying now. Trying to ignore the fact that she was exhausted and felt as if she'd spent the whole night drinking at Joe's, trying to remind herself just how highly contagious the flu was within a hospital, trying to decide if it was possible she'd just developed a severe cranberry muffin allergy. Only it wasn't quite working this time. Her suspicions were still there, slowly chipping away at her ability to avoid and deny.

_I'm not pregnant_, Meredith decided forcibly, turning her thoughts into hard steely things that managed to offer her some final semblance of avoidance. _Seriously…so not pregnant._ It was becoming a mantra of sorts, echoing over and over in her mind as she glared at her reflection in the mirror. Her blonde hair was messy, wavy strands escaping from her ponytail and tumbling down across her forehead. Her face was pale and tired, but her eyes were stubborn, as if they were at war with her mind, and utterly set on ignoring her own suspicions. Meredith sighed and reached out, giving a violent twist to the faucet of the sink in front of her. Icy water came pouring out, and she leaned forward, wincing slightly as she splashed her face. But the sound of the rushing water was loud, halfway drowning out her thoughts, and completely obscuring the noise of the bathroom door as it was pushed open.

Meredith straightened up, blinking water from her eyes and groping for the stack of paper towels she knew was lurking somewhere nearby. Quite unexpectedly, she felt a paper towel being placed in her hand. "Huh?" she mumbled, wiping her eyes dry and turning to focus on the tall figure standing beside her.

"Morning Dr. Grey." The voice was polite, if a little bit cool, and as perfectly manicured as the hand that had passed her the towel. Meredith just gaped at her, her mouth hanging open, struggling not to stare.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," she said at last, moving to throw away the paper towel despite having forgotten to dry off the rest of her face. "Umm…good morning." Now was not the time to be stuck in the bathroom with Addison. Actually, Meredith didn't really think any time was a good time to be stuck in the bathroom with Addison Shepherd. But she was Derek's wife. And therefore there was something about her that was painfully fascinating. Maybe it was the perfect red hair, or the easy way she just floated around the hospital all tall and leggy all the time. Meredith wasn't sure. She thought it might be the clothes. Sometimes, when she was feeling particularly depressed and self-destructive, she'd try to see if she could name the designers Addison was wearing that day. She never could. (Her guesses were usually just someone fancy, someone expensive, and someone _really_ expensive.)

But right now, that wasn't really important. Right now, Meredith didn't even really care that her scrubs were pathetically wrinkled while Addison's shoes perfectly matched her freaking perfect blouse. Because all that Meredith could think about was that the uncooperative half of her brain was busy contemplating buying a pregnancy test on her way home from work, and she was standing in front of the hospital's damn queen of the pregnant ladies.

"So…umm…" stammered Meredith, quite surprised to find herself still able to speak. "Rounds. I've gotta go round." Addison didn't lift her eyes from the mirror, but offered a vague sound of acknowledgement as she began reapplying her lipstick. Meredith wasn't exactly sure why she was explaining herself to Addison, especially seeing as the other woman hadn't even asked. She thought she might possibly blame it on the fact that she still kind of felt like throwing up. Nausea ought to work as an excuse for something, after all. "Can't keep Bailey waiting," she concluded awkwardly, backing towards the door.

Addison recapped her tube of lipstick, offering Meredith the reflection of a smile through the slightly dirty bathroom mirror. Her voice was once again distantly polite. "Have a nice day, Grey."

"Right…you too." Meredith nodded vaguely as she stepped into the hallway, and let the door slam shut between them.

-----

Derek kicked the car door shut. The sound of it closing was a low thud: empty, lifeless, and heavy. He imagined for a moment that that was probably what his heartbeat sounded like these days, and a flash of a humorless smile twisted briefly across his face. He was home, if he could call it that. The sky was quickly darkening into the black of night, the wind whipping almost cruelly past his skin, urging him to hurry towards the trailer glowing warm and inviting just a few feet away. But Derek dragged his feet, wanting to savor his time alone. He wanted to linger for a few moments in peace, for a few moments free of long unwanted conversations about how to repair his marriage, even if that meant lingering in the bitter cold. Derek wasn't quite sure how to reconcile the change in his life that the past month had brought. At its simplest, it was a change from happy to unhappy. It was the shift away from living, and towards trying to live. Everything that had been easy and natural had become a struggle. He tried to comfort himself with the knowledge that this what was honorable, that it was the right thing, that it was what the wedding vows meant after all. And most of the time, that worked. But somehow, it was always hardest at night. Then the absence of Meredith wasn't just a gnawing thought in the back of his mind, but a gaping hole in his side, right there where she used to lean into him, tucking her small hands into the back pockets of his jeans.

But eventually he pushed open the door to the trailer, blinking in the sudden contrast from dark to light. He shrugged his jacket off, looking up at the sound of Addison's voice.

"Hey," she said almost cautiously, drying her hands off on a dishtowel.

Derek nodded his head, mumbling his own greeting. He was about to shuffle through the tiny kitchen towards the bed at the back of the trailer, when something caught his attention and he spun back around. "You're cooking," he said. It was half a question, half a statement, and completely filled with shock.

"I'm cooking," agreed Addison. She leaned forward, peering inquisitively at the stove, and gave a tentative stir to the contents of a large pot.

Derek smirked slightly. "How very domestic of you." Addison just frowned at him, a hand resting on her hip. "Since when do you cook?"

"Since you decided we were going to live in a trailer. I haven't yet found a decent takeout place willing to deliver to the middle of nowhere." Her voice was light and teasing, reminiscent of the way they used to talk to each other, and Derek found he was smiling despite himself.

"Right," he agreed, walking towards Addison and glancing at the pot. It was filled with boiling water and something that seemed to resemble a very large clump of spaghetti. "Good luck with that." He moved past her, flopping down onto the bed with a tired sigh as he kicked off his shoes. Derek closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Addison moving about in the kitchen-opening cabinets and occasionally cursing under her breath at uncooperative ingredients. His wife was barely ten steps away, and yet he found himself falling back into his favorite habit. Imagining that Meredith was there instead. He wasn't exactly proud of how much he thought of her. It made him feel pathetic and a little bit despicable, and he was pretty sure Meredith herself would look at him with disgust if she could see inside his mind. But it was just so easy to do. He could imaging her standing there, right where Addison was. Only she'd be wearing nothing more than a little pair of red underwear and maybe one of his shirts. Less if he could convince her…and he'd always been able to convince her. Meredith would be having an even worse time in the kitchen then Addison. As she'd told him once, she and a stove were a dangerous combination. Derek could imagine her throwing her hands up in defeat and pleading for him to come to her, his name mingling on her lips with a light peal of laughter. And he would go to her. Of course he would. He always did in his mind, even though he couldn't in reality anymore. Meredith would jump into his arms, her thighs warm and smooth as her legs hooked easily around his back, and by the time either of them remembered they were in the kitchen for a reason, the water would've boiled over and the pasta burnt black.

"Derek? Derek are you sleeping?" The sound of his name jolted Derek from that hazy place between consciousness and dreams. He sat up, rubbing a hand across his face, and slowly focusing on Addison standing in front of him.

"What?" he muttered, his voice unintentionally rough in an attempt to cover up the guilt he was sure was written plainly in his eyes.

"Are you hungry?" continued Addison, shooting him a puzzled frown. She gestured behind them, towards the tiny table that was crammed into the kitchen. Derek shifted towards the edge of the bed, his gaze focusing on the twin bowls filled with pasta and the bottle of wine resting neatly between them. "I made enough for both of us," said Addison, her voice tinged with hesitancy and her fingers fidgeting with her wedding band.

"Umm," began Derek, shaking his head. He wanted nothing more than to return to his dream about Meredith, and the lie that he wasn't hungry, that he'd eaten at the hospital, was halfway to his lips.

"It's good." Addison's voice was surprisingly earnest, sounding almost childlike. She stretched a hand out towards Derek, palm up and begging him to join her. "I tasted it already." She swayed slightly from side to side, raising an eyebrow and lifting the corner of her mouth into a smile. "Please Derek?"

Before he'd quite made up his mind, he found his hand accepting hers, and his head nodding in agreement. "Alright Addie." Derek let her pull him to his feet, watching as her face instantly split into a grin. "Lets eat." He followed after her into the kitchen, settling down into his seat at the table. Addison looked ridiculously happy, her red hair glowing warmly in the light of the kitchen. Derek smiled softly at her and picked up his fork, promising himself he would try his hardest not to think of Meredith for the length of time it took to finish a bowl of pasta. He figured that that was what a marriage was about after all. Simply _trying_.

-----

Meredith was sitting with her back to her bathroom sink. Her legs were drawn tightly against her chest, and her chin was resting between her knees. Her body was growing numb and uncomfortable from so much time on the floor, but she had no desire to move. It was the perfect position for two reasons. First of all, she couldn't see the sink at all. Second of all, even if she turned around, the countertop of the sink was way above eyelevel. It was utterly impossible to see all the way up there. From down on the floor, the bathroom still seemed normal. Her towel was hanging on its usual hook. Her shampoo and conditioner were standing next to her razor inside the shower. Just like they normally did. Her hairbrush, two vanilla candles, a stack of magazines. Normal, normal, normal. So standing up? It was out of the question. If she stood up, and looked at the harmless porcelain counter of the sink, she had a sinking suspicion that the bathroom wouldn't be so normal any more.

But suspicions were miles away from reality, and Meredith desperately wanted to just remain suspicious. Still…she couldn't keep sitting on the floor. The longer she sat there, the less time there was until Izzie and George came home, and one or both of them wanted in the bathroom. She didn't want to imagine how that would play out; the door swinging open to reveal her just sitting there, disbelief in her eyes as she stared straight ahead.

And so Meredith stood up. She didn't quite turn around, but she did stand up. She lingered there, with her back to the sink and her arms crossed tightly over her chest, spending several minutes trying to will herself to just turn around already. Meredith was pretty sure she looked insane, like some sort of crazy person cowering from the sight of a sink. But then…she figured only crazy people bought and took three pregnancy tests, lining them up in a neat row next to the hand soap, and then proceeded to ignore them for a half an hour, flat out refusing to read the results.

It was entirely possible that they could all be negative, that she could spin around and come face to face with three little minus signs. Or two minus signs…she supposed that _could_ be possible too. Even just one. Meredith decided she'd settle for one. She'd _gladly_ settle for just one. That would give her a little shred of hope to cling to. She could announce that she had the flu, and climb happily into bed with a mug of tea and something trashy to read for the rest of the evening. She might even get Izzie to paint her toenails some ridiculous shade of bubblegum pink. She'd deserve it…seeing as she'd have the flu and all.

And so, clinging to that hope, Meredith spun around and stared down at the sink. She felt her heart lurch, skipping a beat. She'd been right about the bathroom. It wasn't so normal anymore. Hell, her life wasn't normal anymore. Her freaking world wasn't normal anymore. Everything was just sort of…turning over and falling apart. She figured she should be crying, or shaking her head, or reacting in some sort of way. But she couldn't. All she could do was stare because there were three identical plus signs waiting for her on the edge of the sink; three, little, light blue, perfectly aligned plus signs.

It was a little too much to process at the moment.

She was pregnant. Apparently. Meredith scrutinized her stomach carefully. It didn't look any different than normal. Not even _slightly _rounder. She ought to at least look somewhat fatter if she was pregnant. It wasn't fair. There was no proof other than a stupid stick. (Okay…three stupid sticks.) She didn't even feel sick at the moment. Well, not unless the vaguely horrified feeling that was slowly washing over her qualified. Meredith figured it might, because she did feel horrified. It was a hollow sucking feeling that was gradually deepening into something completely cold and lonely.

She reached out, scraping the tests off the sink and into the trash. They fell with a soft clattering sound, disappearing into a mess of emptied lotion bottles and discarded tissues. Meredith decided she liked the bathroom better without the visual reminder. But the fact that she was not only stupid enough to fall for her married boss, but stupid enough to get knocked up by him as well was sitting a little too prominently at the forefront of her thoughts. Even without the damn visual reminder.

Meredith walked out of the bathroom and towards her room. She felt numb, almost as if she was sleepwalking. She wanted to go to Joe's and drink tequila until her lips burned, until everything was cloudy and tantalizing, until she could barely walk straight. She wanted to drag home a random guy who wasn't Derek, and who wouldn't get her pregnant. She wanted to keep George and Izzie up all night so they'd shoot her dirty looks in the morning. Most of all, she wanted to forget. But she couldn't. She felt a tear roll down her face, and she reached up, wiping it away almost roughly. _You don't drink when you're pregnant_, she told herself bitterly.

It was still too much to comprehend. It was still way too much to process. And so Meredith turned off her light and closed her door, trying her best to shut out the world.

-----

_Okay...I did it. I wasn't sure if I could, or if I even should, but it's been done. I wrote Meredith pregnant. I felt a little bit guilty because I'd already written her to be terribly sad and heartbroken, and now she's all that plus pregnant. But you know...it had to be done. For the plot to work or something. And, a few of you are terribly observant, picking up on her chapter one swaying. Hee I was so impressed, I'd give you guys gold stars if I could. Also, there was a Derek section this chapter because I really like writing that guy. Almost as much as I like writing Mer. So there will be future Derek sections in upcoming chapters as well. That's about all I have to say for now. Considering that it's two days until finals, I really ought to go do some equations or read a textbook. Something studious... Oh yeah, please review. Pretty please?_


	3. How Am I Supposed To Hold It?

_Okay, first of all, thanks for all the good luck exam wishes. I was very lucky today. I went in to biology, all prepared to struggle through a horrible lab exam (microscopes and I are not the best of friends), only my teacher had decided to cancel the lab portion of the exam in favor of squeezing in one more lecture before Wednesday's written portion of the final. I mean seriously, who does that? Who actually cancels an exam? So yes, I was ecstatic. I think it was thanks to all the good luck from you guys. Hee. Oh, and good luck to all of you with exams coming up too. They are evil, evil things. May all of yours be as easily canceled as my Monday morning lab exam. _

_Hee. I'm still excited about that. Anyway yes, to celebrate the lack of exam, I didn't study tonight and am updating this instead. I know…it doesn't make an ounce of sense, but whatever. Oh yes, as several people have asked, let me clarify. Is Derek the father? Quite simply, yes. Absolutely. 100 beyond all shadow of a doubt, it's his. This story starts before Mer becomes the wild tequila-slugging-sexfiend at Joe's simply because, personally, I'm not a fan of who's the daddy stories. I actually have a fairly passionate hatred for them. So, there's none of that here. Derek got her pregnant when they were dating. End of story._

-----

Meredith lay curled up in bed, hiding up to her chin beneath the thick heavy warmth of her comforter. Normally, she hated her bed as it was the perfect reminder of just where Derek wasn't. But this morning, she was willing to let that slide. Her bed, after all, was incredibly warm and comfortable. It had a mountain of pillows, and rather nice sheets with some sort of ridiculously high thread count. She figured that the fact that she had no desire to get up was very understandable. However, Meredith waking up at twenty to five and deciding that she was absolutely not getting out of bed today, under any circumstances, had had absolutely nothing to do with the comfort level of her bed. It'd had everything to do with the fact that her bed was safe. Her bed, the four walls of her bedroom…it was safe in there. Isolated. Shut off from the world like a sneaky little cocoon. If she didn't get out of bed, she didn't have to deal with anything. Besides, sleep was wonderfully forgetful. It was almost as good as tequila.

At least, it would be if she could actually get some sleep. That, thanks to her roommates, was proving to be impossible. Meredith shifted slightly, shooting a glare at the locked door of her bedroom, her attention once again drifting back to the conversation in the hallway.

"Do you think she died in there or something?" That was George's voice…perhaps a little too neurotic and worrisome, but Meredith hoped that he was joking.

"Don't be stupid George," said Izzie. "She's not dead. She's probably just crying over McDreamy."

"Not nice," muttered George in a low voice that left Meredith rolling her eyes. "Don't say that Iz," he continued. "She's not crying over him."

"Yeah. Right. You're just jealous because you…"

"_Izzie_…" he interrupted, sounding slightly frantic.

Their voices dropped down to low whispers, and Meredith couldn't quite make out what they were saying anymore over the sudden sound of her alarm clock's incessant beeping. It had been going off intermittently for the past half hour, a consequence of continually reaching for the snooze button instead of just switching the alarm off. Meredith supposed it was the good intern part of her conscious, doing its best to give her a chance to still make it to work. _Stupid idea_, she thought bitterly, and with an angry groan, she reached out and slammed her fist down hard against the off switch. The beeping stopped, and she was blessed with a brief moment of silence before George and Izzie resumed knocking on her bedroom door. Meredith rolled over, grabbing one of the spare pillows and pulling it over her head.

"Meredith? Mer? You're going to be late!"

Okay…so the pillow wasn't perfect at drowning out the roommates, but still…it was something. And they'd give up. Eventually. They had to. They had jobs and lives and things to do, things to do other than lie in bed and think about how they were suddenly, unexpectedly, and horribly pregnant. Meredith screwed her eyes shut, trying to pretend she couldn't hear them. There was no way that she was going to work today. Or ever really. She just wanted to disappear.

"Maybe," began Izzie thoughtfully, after another round of furious knocking had run its course. "Maybe she got really drunk last night, and now she's passed out in there and too hung over to hear us?"

"I don't think so…she was already asleep when I got home. Besides, she turned off the alarm."

_No…no tequila_, thought Meredith, scowling at a loose thread on the hem of her pillowcase. _Not a single drop._

"I don't know then," continued Izzie as she knocked absently on the door. "Maybe she really is sick." Her voice rose a few decibels, and she intensified her knocking once more. "Meredith? Can you hear me? Are you okay?"

"Yeah Mer," joined in George. "Are you sick? Should we make you some tea? You know…I got some really good Earl Grey when I did the groceries yesterday. I remembered you'd said you like it. I could go bring it up to you…and…um…"

"George…" Izzie said his name slowly, pulling the word out into a long sound that was full of amusement. That seemed to silence him because Izzie continued speaking, free of further interruptions about tea. She began by sounding rather exasperated, kicking a foot against the door. "Seriously Meredith, just get off your ass for five seconds so that George can see you're still breathing and get over himself already, and I can get to work. Otherwise, I'm letting him break down the door with all his burly, burly strength…" Her voice descended into giggles, and the sound of her laughter seeped into Meredith's room, punctuated by George protesting that he actually had plenty of manly strength and could take the door if he wanted to, thank you very much.

Meredith turned her head slightly, squinting at her alarm clock. It was only five fifteen, and she was already about to break her absolutely no getting out of bed rule. She sighed bitterly, throwing the covers off and rolling out of bed. She nearly tripped on the long legs of her pajama bottoms as she made her way across the room. Without bothering to adjust her tangled clothes or run a hand through the mess of her hair, she unlocked the door and yanked it open. Meredith glared up at her roommates, and George and Izzie just blinked back at her in astonishment.

"Seriously people!" she snapped, her irritation evident in the bright flash and subsequent narrowing of her eyes. "What is wrong with you? I'm awake. I'm alive. Now _please_, just go away." She folded her arms over her chest, waiting for her roommates to leave, only they didn't. They just stood there, their faces breaking out in matching smiles.

"You're awake!" agreed George delightedly.

"About time. What were you doing in there anyway Mer?" Izzie peered through the doorway, frowning when she came across nothing more interesting than the usual rumpled bed.

Meredith's voice was short and uncharacteristically cold. "Sleeping."

"Don't be silly," said Izzie dismissively. "We're interns. It's genetically impossible for us to sleep through any sort of beeping sound even remotely resembling a pager. And your alarm clock? Seriously pager-like."

"Fine," amended Meredith. "I was _trying_ to sleep. And now, I'm going back to sleep."

"What?" spluttered George, sounding altogether shocked. "What about work?"

"Not going," said Meredith simply. George just blinked at her, as if unable to fathom her reply.

"Meredith, you seem to be forgetting that we're slaves to the hospital," said Izzie cheerfully. "That place owns us. Now come on, you barely have enough time to squeeze in a shower." Meredith narrowed her eyes at Izzie before shaking her head. She felt vaguely ill, and the last thing she felt like doing right now was arguing with her roommates.

"There will be no showering," she muttered, running a hand through her hair. "I'm not going to work. I'm going back to bed. End of story."

"Are you sick?" asked George.

Meredith paused, her hand hovering over the doorknob. A wry smile flashed briefly across her face. "Not exactly."

Izzie sighed, bending down to pick up a coffee cup she had set on the floor. She took a long drink, narrowing her eyes at Meredith. "Look, I know you're sad because of Derek, and you want to be all sad face about everything. But you're better than that. Just try to forget about him, and get on with your life." Meredith stared at her blankly, feeling as if she was just about halfway to slamming the door. Derek was the last person she wanted to hear about right now. In fact, she was pretty sure that she hated him. Well, aside from the dizzy with longing, pathetically heartsick way in which she was still completely in love with him… Aside from all that, she definitely hated him. Izzie gave Meredith an encouraging smile, adding, "Besides, maybe McWife will look really bad today. You know…shoes that don't match her outfit, or…"

"Right," interrupted Meredith, rolling her eyes and walking back towards her room.

"Seriously Mer. Don't worry about Derek."

Meredith pivoted back around, her green eyes flashing as they had when she first threw open the door. "Please, stop talking about Derek! He's not the point here." She hesitated for a moment, frowning slightly. "Okay…he's sort of the point. But no. The point is much bigger than that. The point is…" She sighed once more, her voice heavy with frustration. "Not important right now. I'm just not going to work today, okay?" Without giving them a chance to comment, Meredith stepped back over the threshold into her room, and slammed the door. Turning around, she slid down the wall to sit on the floor.

"Okay…" said George slowly, looking up at Izzie. "Did Meredith just freak out at us?"

"I think so," whispered Izzie.

"Well…what do we do? Mer…Meredith?" He leaned forward, pressing his mouth close to the door as he spoke. "Maybe we should remind her about surgery," continued George, his voice soft and desperately searching for a way to be helpful.

"No George. We tried. Just leave it, you're not her mother."

Meredith closed her eyes, letting her head fall against her knees. She was once again feeling way too dizzy. Biting down on her trembling lip, she shook her head, one hand reaching down to cradle her stomach. It was back to doing that horrible churning thing again, starting off as simply uncomfortable and quickly escalating into actively trying not to gag. She could hear the voices of Izzie and George still carrying on in the hallway, but she felt too queasy to actually bother deciphering what they were saying. "Fuck…" she muttered under her breath, using the doorknob to pull herself to her feet. She swayed for a moment, trying to regain her balance without simultaneously fainting and throwing up all over the wall. When she could walk straight, she opened her door once more, stalking straight past George and Izzie.

"You changed your mind!" declared George, as soon as she stepped out of her room. "Izzie, she changed her mind."

"Good for you Mer," said Izzie, following after Meredith towards the bathroom. "Screw McDreamy."

"Exactly," agreed George, his voice trailing off into something that sounded like mumbled disregard for Derek's hair. Meredith walked into the bathroom and kicked the door, once again slamming it shut on the surprised faces of her roommates. She hurried forward, dropping to her knees so quickly that she winced, vaguely aware that she'd just earned herself matching purple bruises. Still, after a second, the pain barely registered. She felt as if her body was trying to turn itself inside out, and she leaned forward, her forehead coming to rest against the cold surface of the toilet bowl.

"Okay you know…she really is being weird today," said Izzie, backing away from the suddenly closed door and turning to frown at George.

"I know…" began George, but he halted almost immediately, a bemused expression crossing his face. "Is Meredith throwing up?" Izzie cocked her head towards the door, nodding slightly.

"Yeah…I think she is."

"Seriously? She's throwing up? Why's Meredith throwing up?"

Izzie just stared at him for a moment, her brown eyes gradually darkening as her expression flickered with sudden understanding and turned serious. "That's not really the point George," she muttered before spinning back around, and opening the door that Meredith had slammed shut. She walked quickly towards the small figure huddled over the toilet. "Mer," she said gently as she sank down onto the floor beside her. She ran her hand up her friend's back, deftly gathering the long loose strands of Meredith's dirty blonde hair, and holding them back from her friend's face.

George hovered in the doorway uncertainly, eyeing the hunched over figures of the two women. "Should I…should I help? Izzie?"

Izzie looked up at him, taking in his anxious expression. She shifted on the balls of her feet, moving to accommodate Meredith, before nodding her head. "Umm yeah, hand me one of those washcloths." George sprang forward, seeming grateful to have something to do, and passed Izzie a small, white washcloth. She just frowned at him. "_Wet_ it first, George."

Meredith wasn't quite sure of when Izzie had come into the bathroom, but as her body finally stopped shuddering and she pushed herself upward to lean weakly against the toilet, she felt Izzie move to steady her. With a long shaky sigh, Meredith reached out and took the washcloth that was offered her. "Thanks," she mumbled, closing her eyes. She felt as if her whole body was in danger of trembling so much that it would just fall apart, and she wanted nothing more than to stay resting against Izzie's shoulder.

"Meredith?" That was George again, his voice as uncertain and anxious as usual. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes. She pressed the cool surface of the cloth to her skin before slowly nodding her head. "Are you okay? What happened? Do you have food poisoning?"

"I…I'm…" began Meredith, her voice thin and almost fragile sounding. "It's…" She couldn't quite bring herself to speak and so she trailed off, her eyes wide and desperate as she glanced over at Izzie. There was understanding there, leaving Meredith to sigh inwardly with something approaching relief, as Izzie nodded her head. George watched as the two women stared at each other for a moment. They seemed to be saying many things with their eyes that he couldn't understand. When they finally looked back at him, it was Izzie who spoke, not Meredith.

"She's fine George. Why don't you go make her some tea or some dry toast or something, and then just go on to work. Oh, and tell Bailey we're sorry but Meredith and I are going to be late today." George nodded his head. Izzie's tone was surprisingly un-Izzie-like, and left no real room to argue. Meredith stared blankly at him, not really listening as he stumbled over something amounting to the fact that he hoped she felt better soon. She gave another vague nod as he disappeared, letting Izzie help her lean back against the tub. "God Meredith," continued Izzie quietly once the sound of George's footsteps had completely faded away. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Meredith didn't answer at first, simply letting the question hang in the air. It wasn't that she thought that there was any point in denying it to Izzie. It just seemed too hard to answer, because answering was one step further into reality. But Izzie was watching her steadily, her eyes trained on her friend's pallid face, waiting for a final confirmation of what she more than suspected. Meredith found her answer spilling from her lips unbidden, just one more thing slipping out of her control. "Yes," she whispered, and the word rang too loud in the cold silence of the bathroom. It sounded too real.

"Oh Mer…"

Izzie's voice was warm and gentle, mingled pity and understanding. Meredith shrugged her shoulders and stared down at her feet, trying to ignore the fact that tears had already started spilling down her cheeks. She hadn't cried yesterday. Not really…no more than a tear or two. Even as she had lain awake in the middle of the night, feeling as if the utter dark of her room was swallowing her whole…she hadn't cried. But now, her shoulders began to shake and she heard herself gasping. It was one of those horrible sort of gasps, filled with a sob that breaks in the middle. Meredith reached up, wiping at the sudden onslaught of tears with a frustrated hand, hating that she was crying. But Izzie just pulled her closer, arms reaching out to fit her into a hug. She was murmuring something kind and soothing that Meredith couldn't quite make out through her own great, shuddering breaths. However, it was the sound itself that was more important than the words, and slowly Meredith felt herself evening out again. Her crying stopped being something utterly uncontrollable, morphing instead into a series of quiet shivers and a few remaining silent tears.

They sat there quietly for a long time, knees drawn to their chests and their heads tilted towards each other. Finally Meredith shifted slightly, sniffling as she did, and Izzie moved to pass her a tissue. "Thanks," mumbled Meredith, quickly drying her eyes and blowing her nose. "And…sorry for…" She waived the tissue sort of aimlessly in front of them. "You know…the whole hysterical roommate making you late thing."

Izzie just smiled slightly. "Don't be stupid Mer. I don't mind." Meredith nodded, her chin bumping against her knees, and she flinched a little as she came in contact with one of her newly inflicted bruises. She cursed softly, shifting positions so that the weight of her head rested against the tub and not her knees, and fell back into a moody silence. "When did you find out?" Izzie's question pierced the quiet denial Meredith had once again been working herself towards, pulling her firmly back towards cold hard facts.

She mumbled her reply. "Yesterday."

"Wow…" Izzie fidgeted with her bracelet, doing her best to hold back her questions. Meredith seemed to want nothing more than to sit in silence, and was keeping her head tilted back and her eyes resolutely closed. Still, Izzie was a curious person, and she'd held Meredith's hair back, and gotten rid of George. (Not to mention the fact that she was voluntarily risking death by Bailey by arriving to work late.) She figured she had earned the right to a few more questions, so she twisted around again to look at Meredith, her eyes wide and inquisitive. "Is it Derek's?"

That got Meredith's head to jerk right back up, her eyes flying open to stare, dark and burning, at her friend. "Yes." Her voice sounded tired, and only slightly tinged with something darker. "Obviously Izzie."

"Right…guess that means you should disregard my whole don't worry about Derek speech."

Meredith let out a short snort of laughter. "Seriously."

As the harsh note of amusement faded, they fell back into silence. Meredith ran her tongue along the edge of her lip. It was sore and slightly worn from chewing it too much. She felt the dull beginnings of a headache thanks to all the crying she'd just done, and so she lifted a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Izzie just sat there, twirling a long strand of her pale blonde hair as she watched Meredith. Neither one of them had any regard for the time, or just how late they were. Time felt like something that had stopped outside the doorway, shed just as easily as all the other things that normally seemed important, but were suddenly not worth mentioning. Meredith had been feeling numb, but that was beginning to slowly seep away. In its place was something colder, something she hadn't let herself feel fully yet. The numbness was giving way to fear. Meredith didn't want to go back to crying, and so, not knowing how else to deal, she found herself speaking again. Her voice was low and breakable, yet it easily shattered the silence of the room. "I don't know what I'm going to do Izzie…" She turned towards her friend, her eyes bloodshot and shining with tears.

Izzie just sighed and reached out, pulling Meredith back towards her once more. "You don't have to know yet. You've got time to think." Meredith nodded slightly, her head settling easily against Izzie's shoulder. "Everything will turn out okay Mer."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Nice try," she mumbled. "I'm a doctor too, remember. That's one of our generic comforting phrases. So nice…and…vague." She spoke slowly, stretching out each word so that it was long and rolling.

"Yeah…I know." Izzie smiled sadly, reaching down and smoothing Meredith's hair like she would a child's.

Meredith took a shaky breath, the corners of her mouth turning tentatively upward. "But thanks anyway."

-----

Meredith wasn't quite sure how she had made it to work. She did know that it was entirely thanks to Izzie though. Everything that happened from the moment when they finally got up off of the bathroom floor, through to the two of them hurrying through the doors of the hospital was just a strange giant blur. The ends of her hair were still damp from a shower that she barely remembered taking. She had let Izzie drive to work, and she had just sat there, simply staring out the window, eating something Izzie had grabbed for her. Strangely it seemed to have no taste, but Meredith figured that was more due to herself than the food. Bailey had yelled when she caught sight of them trying to sneak in and join the other interns, but that had barely registered either. Honestly, the whole day felt odd, as if she had shifted away from herself and was doing everything just left of center, separated from the rest of the world by something hazy and confusing.

She shifted the heavy stack of binders she was holding, resting it on her hip as she waited for the elevator to come. Once Bailey had finished yelling, she had promptly assigned the both of them to scut. Apparently they were supposed to consider themselves lucky if they got to perform so much as a single suture down in the pit. But Meredith didn't exactly care. Sure, the stack of charts and patient histories she was carting around was thicker than several of her old med school textbooks. It was mindless work that she'd normally hate, but it was honestly just about all she felt capable of handling at the moment. She had pulled herself together sometime between getting up off the bathroom floor and driving in to work, but it felt as if she was walking on a very thin thread, and that too much of anything would simply cause it to snap. The elevator doors finally slid open, and Meredith sighed with relief as she walked on. She leaned back against the wall, once again readjusting the grip on her mountain of charts. The elevator was mercifully empty and so she closed her eyes, listening to the low hum of the machinery moving upward.

The ride stopped sooner than she had expected, and she opened her eyes to watch the doors slide open on the second floor. Her breath caught before her mind fully registered what was happening. Derek was standing there, his lips pursed tightly together in concentration as he adjusted something on his phone. He glanced up and caught sight of her, immediately slipping the phone into his pocket as his face split into a warm smile.

"Meredith." He sounded too cheerful, striding onto the elevator and turning around so that they were facing each other. She didn't know why he seemed so happy, so unexplainably happy. She supposed it could just be that the contrast between how normal people felt, and how dull and lifeless people like herself felt was greater than she'd expected. Still, it was unnerving. She couldn't seem to manage to return his smile. She just stared blankly up at him, following his arm as it reached out to support his weight against the slick metal wall of the elevator. Derek was standing closer than usual, near enough for Meredith to feel the warmth from his body, as if he had somehow forgotten their unwritten rules. Their sudden closeness was leaving her overwhelmed, so that all she could do was stare.

Meredith could make out the tiny dimple by his chin like a shadow on his face, and could see the dark blue of his eyes brightening as he smiled. Some small trapped part of her mind was telling her to answer, but she was too busy trying to remember to breathe. Somehow it wasn't instinctual anymore. And so Meredith just stood there, watching helplessly as Derek's expression slowly shifted from happiness towards confusion. "What?" he continued, tilting his head down towards her. "You're back to not speaking to me again?" His voice was both pouting and playful, yet filled with a low undercurrent of something that sounded curiously wounded.

Meredith breathed in, her breath drawing sharply past her lips. She hadn't planned on being silent around Derek, but she hadn't contemplated actually speaking to him either, and her indecision was manifesting itself as sudden unconquerable silence. She felt acutely aware of her stomach, and the fact that, if you wanted to get technical, there weren't two people in the elevator. There were three. (Okay, well…two people and an embryo. But it was _their _embryo.) It was something shared, and the confession was right there, lingering behind her lips. But she wasn't saying anything. She didn't know how to say any of it. Derek was searching her face, his eyes feeding straight into hers. His eyes had a heavy, heady intensity to them that made Meredith feel as if he could somehow search out the secret hidden inside of her, without her having to say a single word. It was unnerving, and she shivered, her shoulders curving inward slightly as she cast her gaze to the ground. "Mer…" he continued, speaking softly, questioningly. In a way, it was almost worse than the staring; the too familiar shortening of her name into a single curling sound. It left her feeling raw, swollen with a bitter longing to tuck her head against his shoulder as she had to Izzie. But she didn't. She couldn't move. She still couldn't speak. She could barely breathe alone with him.

Derek sighed in frustration, his hand reaching up to run through his hair as he turned his body slightly away from her. That motion seemed to free her lips a little, because she opened her mouth, managing a thin gasp of the beginning of a sentence. But the sound was frail, and completely lost beneath the noise of the elevator doors once again sliding open.

They looked up at the same time, both turning from each other towards the opening doors. For the first time that day, Meredith breathed a real sigh of relief. Of all the people in the hospital who could have been waiting there for the elevator, it happened to be the right person. It happened to be _her _person.

Cristina had her hands on her hips. Unlike Meredith, her arms were completely free of charts and binders. She was looking back and forth between the two of them, a skeptical frown firmly in place. "Hey Mer," she said at last as she walked onto the elevator, moving wordlessly past Derek and positioning herself between him and her friend.

"Hi," said Meredith, somehow managing to free her voice for a moment. Derek turned back around as she spoke, moving instantly as if it pulled him. He raised an eyebrow, something between a smirk and a frown crossing his face.

"Oh…so you can talk." Meredith shifted uncomfortably, sucking in a long shaky breath. She opened her mouth to speak, but once again found herself wordless. "But just not to me…" he continued as Meredith stayed silent. She could feel the both of them staring at her; Cristina with curiosity, and Derek with something that was slightly amused and slightly hurt.

"You're not talking to him?" asked Cristina, sounding positively delighted. She turned to Meredith with a grin on her face, but Meredith's eyes were blank. She was looking vaguely down at the floor, her lips parted slightly, but her face expressionless.

"Apparently not," continued Derek when it became clear that Meredith wasn't saying anything. "Any idea, Dr. Yang, why she's not speaking to me?" The doors of the elevator slid open with a clear ding as he spoke, and Cristina shot her boss a disapproving frown.

"I'm sure she has her reasons," she said shortly before taking Meredith by the arm, and pulling her out of the elevator.

Meredith let Cristina lead her down the hallway. She felt as if she were in shock. Actually, the past twenty-four hours felt as if they were nothing more than a giant series of successive shocks. It was rendering her lifeless and useless, so she didn't protest or question at all when Cristina pushed her into the locker room. She just sat down on the empty bench, sighing with quiet relief at finally being able to set down the giant stack of charts she'd been holding.

Cristina leaned back against the lockers, folding her arms over her chest as she frowned down at her friend. "Okay…_what_ is wrong with you?"

"Huh?"

"First, you and Izzie come in an hour after rounds. Plus she's like a freaking mother hen, practically holding your hand and putting on your pager for you. And then with McDreamy and the elevator. I mean, seriously. What did he do? Did you catch him with Satan or something?" Meredith just shrugged, not really listening. Her mind still stuck on the memory of Derek's eyes boring into her. Cristina heaved an exasperated sigh. "Meredith! What is up with the whole I'm-so-frozen-I-can't-even-breathe expression?"

"I'm fine," mumbled Meredith numbly.

"Right. And I'm Santa Claus," replied Cristina, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "You're catatonic Mer." The tone of her voice bit through the fog surrounding Meredith, pulling her out of her memories. She sighed and shook her head abruptly, seeming for the first time since she'd walked into work to actually be focusing on the person in front of her.

"I'm pregnant," she said quietly. Somehow it was easier saying it the second time around. Maybe it was the repetition. Maybe it was because it was Cristina. Meredith didn't really know. She was just grateful that her eyes weren't once again welling up with tears. However, the change it wrought in Cristina's expression was instantaneous, shooting her eyebrows straight up and causing her mouth to hang open.

"Oh…" she said, dropping down to sit beside Meredith on the bench. "Never mind then." Meredith nodded her head, but didn't say anything. After a moment, Cristina twisted around to look at her again. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," muttered Meredith. "Freaking condom add…" She shook her head sharply, looking almost angry. Cristina was watching her carefully.

"Do you need me to do the whole supportive thing right now…with the comforting and the letting you cry?"

"No," said Meredith slowly, pulling her legs up under her. "I'm good." She hesitated, toying with a loose button on her lab coat. "Well…except for the whole knocked up by my boss who's already left me for his perfect wife bit. That part? Not so good…" Her voice was sharp and heavy, a clear contrast from the fragile whispers she'd been using since she woke up. She ran a hand through her hair before yanking it violently into a ponytail. "I mean seriously Cristina. This must be what hell is like." Meredith fell silent, slumping against the lockers and propping her chin up with her fist. Her anger seemed to drain from her as quickly as it had appeared, once again turning her eyes quiet and a little bit lifeless.

Cristina bit down on her lip, staring at the bent form of her friend. When she spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle. "Mer, are you keeping it?" Meredith shrugged a shoulder, turning to look at Cristina.

"I haven't decided yet…" She thought her voice sounded too hollow, hanging uncomfortably in the large empty locker room. "When did you know? I mean, know that you weren't keeping it?"

Cristina shook her head, laughing almost harshly. "The second I saw the damn test."

Meredith's expression changed instantly, growing as hollow as her voice. "Oh…" She let her head drop back down again, pressing her face into the palms of her hands. Cristina sighed and reached out, squeezing Meredith's arm, the gesture flowing surprisingly unstilted for her.

"Just couldn't let me be the only intern capable of claiming she got knocked up by an attending," she said at last, her voice filled with mock-hurt. It caused a slow smile to draw its way across Meredith's face.

"I've always been competitive," she said with a shrug. They leaned back against the lockers, exchanging grins filled with cold amusement and disbelief.

"Yeah well," said Cristina airily. "I'll find a way to top it."

Shaking her head, Meredith picked up a nearby towel, and threw it at Cristina. "Yeah…right. Good luck with that," she muttered, and then she _finally _laughed.

-----

_So, this chapter was pretty much Meredith in shock, reacting, and trying to come to terms with the fact that she's pregnant thanks to a guy who has already left her. Still, she has her friends, and both Izzie and Cristina were trying hard to be there for her, in their very different ways. And George? Well, he had to get kicked out of the bathroom because while he's well meaning enough, he's a little too, well he's a little too George honestly. And for some things, you just need your girlfriends. _

_As for the Mer/Der scene? She froze. Meredith completely froze. She's been so overwhelmed herself that she hasn't sat down and figured out what sort of explanation she owes Derek, or if she feels she even owes him one at all. She hasn't gotten to that stage of figuring things out, she's been too busy being overwhelmed by everything. And then she's suddenly trapped alone with him in a tiny space, and Derek's all smiley and happy to see her. And it's just too much. So she freezes, pretty much forgets how to speak._

_Okay, that's about all I have to say. But I do want to add a huge thanks to you guys who've been reviewing. It means a lot. Seriously. A lot. I put obscene amounts of time into writing my stories because I write at this crippled grandma pace. It's terribly pathetic. But yeah, it takes about seven to eight hours per chapter, so after all that…it's such a great feeling to read what you guys have to say. It really makes it feel worthwhile, so…thanks. _

_Alright, I've got back to back days of exams coming up, and I'm doubting I'll have the same canceled luck I had this morning. Sooo…this probably won't be updated until Thursday or Friday. But I'll definitely have something up before the weekend. Thanks for reading!_


	4. In the Wrong Place

_Okay…first of all, sorry. I know I said that I would update this by Friday. And now…it's Saturday. However, I said that before suffering through two nights of about three hours of sleep each (the joy of last minute finals-cramming) and well, I was quite delusional as to just how creative I could be on three hours of sleep. So yes, the update got pushed back a day. I'm very sorry! However, on the bright side, I am now done with school. It's fabulous, fabulous winter break time. And I? Have a month off! I am beyond excited, and this means lots more frequent updates. So that is good. And many thanks to everyone who wished me luck on the evil finals!_

_Alright, that's about all. I don't think there's much I need to say to set up this chapter. It continues on the same day as the previous chapter, so a few hours have passed, but not days and days or anything. _

-----

The sky had already turned the deep purple of late twilight by the time Meredith finished checking on her last patient of the day. She meant to trudge slowly across the floor to the locker room, to change into her clothes and go home. She meant to leave, to go get some rest. To escape her thoughts for awhile by dropping down into an exhausted sleep. What she didn't mean to do was freeze in front of the OR board. That certainly wasn't what she was planning on. But yet, there she was, staring up at the white surface and the scribbled pen markings. She seemed incapable of moving, the trip to the locker room vanishing completely from the realm of possibility. She was rooted to the spot by the writing on the wall, black words standing out clearly against the white - _Shepherd - OR 4. _It was late for him to still be here, to still be working, and before she really considered what she was doing, she was moving again. Only, it wasn't towards the locker room. She pivoted sharply, turning back towards the surgical floor. She didn't know why she was taking the steps two at a time, climbing up and up and into the gallery. But there she was, pushing open the door and slipping into the dark and empty room.

Meredith shuffled forward towards the glass window at the front. Down in the OR, everything was the pale color of surgical blue, highlighted by the contrast of dark shadows with the glow from the white lights trained on the body. She leaned forward, pressing her hand palm up against the glass, and watching the figures moving below her. Derek was working intently, his eyes trained on his patient's brain as he motioned for something from a scrub nurse. She watched him silently for a long time, taking in every movement, every little detail. She could barely focus on him earlier in the elevator, but now, she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away. Meredith lost track of time; feeling as if the whole world had been whittled down to her and a glass window and Derek Shepherd. There was nothing else that mattered. There was nowhere else to go.

And then he was looking at her.

It was unexpected, and Meredith heard herself gasp in surprise, the sound registering as something unreal in the silence. Derek had turned away, glancing up from his patient for a second to focus on the small lone figure lingering in the gallery. Meredith was the last person he expected to see standing there, with her hair escaping its ponytail to fall in messy golden tendrils around her face. She wasn't speaking to him after all. The thought that she was ignoring him frustrated him. It sent his mind spinning off in circles, trying to come up with reasons why. Still there she was, not ignoring him but rather standing in the half light of the window, her face beautiful despite the heavy air of exhaustion that seemed to hang around her. Derek smiled instinctively, and though it was hidden behind his mask, the crinkling of his eyes gave away his expression. Meredith's lips lifted in response, turning up into the beginnings of a tentative smile. She shifted closer to the glass, leaning her forehead against its surface as she tried to pretend that the way Derek's eyes were trained on her wasn't making her heart skip a beat.

Derek's focus returned to the open brain in front of him, and Meredith's hand drifted down to rest against her stomach. It was so perfectly flat that she almost felt ridiculous pressing her hand against it the way pregnant women touched their swollen bellies. Still, Derek was there, and she found herself thinking that he would make a good father. It was an unexpected thought, springing up out of nowhere into the midst of her mind. But once she thought of it, she couldn't deny it. She didn't even know if he wanted to be a father, they hadn't dated long enough to make it to that conversation. However, he would be a good one. That fact seemed to reverberate within her, almost frustrating her with its intensity. She didn't even know if she wanted a baby, and yet it was coaxing a confession closer and closer to her lips until somehow, it didn't seem so impossible to keep waiting there for Derek to finish surgery. Maybe it was the peaceful silence of the gallery, maybe it was the way he glanced up at her again and again…never for longer than a few seconds, but always with that same smile written in his eyes. Whatever it was, it kept her from walking back out the door and driving home alone. It kept her standing there until the idea of waiting for Derek, of talking to him once the scrub room had emptied of nurses, didn't seem so impossible.

Meredith felt herself fall back into that same strange pattern of time where the minutes and the hours didn't seem to matter. Everything was isolated from the two of them, or maybe they were isolated from the world. Meredith wasn't sure which it was, but it felt as if she were entirely alone with Derek. Even the scrub nurses didn't really seem to be there. They were just figures, shapes, vague blurry details. All that really mattered was the man that she was waiting for. If she was honest with herself, and there in the silent gallery it seemed easier to be honest, she still loved him. _Painfully_. She loved Derek in that intense, forget to breathe, forget to notice everything save him sort of way. She hadn't been close to getting over him, and now…well now, it seemed impossible. And so she just stood there, watching him silently, until the door to the gallery opened once again behind her.

"What are you doing here?" asked Meredith, the words just tumbling from her lips before she had a chance to process what she was saying. She winced the second she heard her voice, quiet but accusing, drift across the previously silent gallery.

"Waiting for my husband," came the reply as Addison stepped forward, letting the door close behind her. She had already changed out of her lab coat, and had a black woolen jacket shrugged on over her shoulders. She raised a skeptical eyebrow at Meredith as she walked down towards the glass. Her heels echoed loudly against the tile floor, completely destroying the peaceful hush that had hung in the air. She frowned down at Derek, one hand resting on each slender hipbone. Her lips were drawn into a thin line, and Meredith braced herself, waiting for Addison to return the question. But she said nothing, not a single word about why Meredith was there alone, late at night, watching Derek work.

However, she might as well have asked the question. Meredith felt the words clearly in every sharp, inquisitive glance Addison cast in her direction. She had to fight back the urge to stammer out a list of utterly unbelievable excuses, or to turn and simply flee, running as fast as she could towards the door. Meredith was grateful that she hadn't changed out of her scrubs yet. They provided a vague sort of excuse for still being in the hospital so late, at least, more of an excuse than standing there in her jeans and sweater would have provided. Meredith closed her eyes, wishing desperately that she could just disappear. But she couldn't. She couldn't even walk away calmly, like a normal person. Her feet felt rooted to the floor. It was as if she had forgotten how to lift them. Meredith cast a wishful glance down at her silent pager, wanting nothing more than for it to suddenly go off and force her to move.

"He's a good surgeon." Addison's words pierced the heavy silence that had fallen once again over the room. Meredith nodded her head tentatively.

"Yeah…" she managed, the word coming out in a frail whisper.

"I'd want to watch him too if I were an intern."

"Yeah…"

Meredith wasn't sure if Addison was trying to offer her an excuse for being there, or if she was simply trying to explain away finding her husband's old girlfriend in the gallery for her own benefit. Either way, the talking made her feel uncomfortable. Well actually, that was a bit of an understatement. It made her skin crawl. It made her want to curl up into a little ball like a child. It made her long for the cold loneliness of her own bed.

"Derek…is a good man," continued Addison, her voice calm and almost conversational in tone. "He's a good husband. Always has been." Meredith just nodded. The words were falling painfully on her ears, and she couldn't bring herself to look at Addison. Instead she stared with wide eyes down into the OR. While previously she had focused in on Derek perfectly, almost with tunnel vision, now she found herself barely aware of what was happening over the table. It was just a blur of motion, a dizzying backdrop for the sound of Addison's voice.

Down in the OR, Derek tilted his head to the side, easing out a crick in his neck. Usually, brain surgery was plenty interesting for him. Usually, an open skull flap was more than enough to keep his attention for hours on end. Only now, he felt as if he were being continually pulled towards the gallery. Meredith was there watching him, and it seemed instinctive to want to return her gaze. He had always found something steady and calming in the pale green of her eyes, but now even that had become this rare thing that he barely got to see. He only had quick stolen glances during rounds, a moment in the elevator where she did her best to ignore him, a few painfully brief conversations here and there. They were cheap little things, nothing that could measure up to the way he used to stare into her eyes; one hand tangled in the golden strands of her hair as it spilled across his chest, her face just a breath away from his as their eyes locked and the green of her eyes filled him.

Everything since was just a pale imitation, and yet he was supposed to be satisfied with it. It left him hungry, and unable to keep from looking up again and again, to find her face through the window. But as he raised his eyes once more, Meredith didn't meet them with that same hesitant smile that seemed to have followed him throughout all of surgery. She was still staring down at the OR, but it was a blank unseeing stare. Her shoulders were hunched and her arms crossed protectively over her chest. There was agitation written clearly in every curve of her body and line of her face. As Derek stared at her, Meredith turned her head to the right, and he followed her gaze across the gallery.

Even in the shadows where she stood, Derek could make out the unmistakable red hair of his wife. She too was staring down into the OR, and when she caught sight of him looking, she smiled warmly at him and raised her hand in a slight wave. His lips moved reflexively in response, but they were hidden behind a mask, and his smile didn't make it to his eyes.

Derek felt as if a heavy weight had suddenly started pressing down on him. He didn't see how he was expected to be happy about finding Addison there. She was always there. _Always_. He went home to her, he was married to her. He just wanted a few minutes in which he could forget about how his life had turned into a complete mess. He just wanted to stare at Meredith uninterrupted, and have her smile back. Just like they used to. Honestly, Derek didn't think it sounded like too much to ask. It was completely innocent. He _was_ working on his marriage after all. But apparently it was too much. Addison was supposed to be enough because there she was, pulling Meredith's attention away from him, and into some sort of intense conversation that had wiped every remaining trace of a smile from her face. His eyes flickered back and forth between the two women, trying to read their lips and make out what was being said.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

The voice of a scrub nurse broke his concentration, and he turned, remembering that he was still in surgery. With a sharp nod of his head, Derek did his best to return his attention to the operating table, trying to forget the mystery of what Meredith and Addison were speaking about.

Addison's voice was still filling Meredith's mind, despite her every effort to shut the other woman out. "I mean, I'm sure you know yourself, how wonderful he is. I'm just…so lucky to have a second chance with him." Every word felt like a barb in her side, and Meredith turned to look at Addison, her eyes brimming with disbelief and confusion.

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked, finally managing to find her voice long enough to speak in more than a broken, one word response. Still, her question was a pained whisper that seemed to swell and fill the room. Addison just shook her head, a slight smile playing across her face. She turned and sat down on one of the many empty chairs, motioning for Meredith to sit down beside her. But Meredith's feet stayed rooted to the floor.

"You're not the enemy Meredith," she said gently. "I don't have to be the enemy. _We_ don't have to be enemies." Her voice was earnest, as if intent on eliciting some sort of response from the smaller blonde woman. Meredith didn't answer. She didn't even turn from the window. She gave an imperceptible nod of her head, but nothing more. "I mean it," continued Addison. "I don't hate you. Honestly, Meredith." Meredith thought she caught the edge of something almost calculating lurking in Addison's voice, hidden far beneath the quiet tone of sincerity. "I'm grateful to you."

Meredith spoke cautiously, finally turning to look at Addison out of the corner of her eye. "Why?" she asked. "What would you possibly be grateful to me for?"

Addison shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not oblivious," she said, a note of laughter falling in the midst of her words. The sound was awkward both in the context of their conversation, and within the suddenly oppressive space of the gallery. It rang false and uncomfortable, but Addison didn't seem to notice. "I know Derek's male," she continued as another slight smile flickered across her face, and she reached up to tuck back a stray strand of hair. "And you…well," she flung her hand out in Meredith's direction, gesturing up and down the length of her body. "You're young, and he obviously thinks you're pretty."

"Oh…" gasped Meredith, catching on.

"Exactly."

The word was crisp and precise, implying a hundred things without saying any of them. "But you have more class than that, and so…I'm grateful," continued Addison. Meredith nodded her head again, unable to find the words with which to reply. She felt caught in the midst of a strange whirlwind of feelings; a bizarre blending of shock and disbelief, sorrow and emptiness. It struck her as strange that Addison would choose this moment, after finding Meredith alone at night in the gallery, watching and waiting for Derek, to complement her on just how well she steered clear of her husband. The contrast was sharp and almost ironic, but then Meredith thought that perhaps that was the point after all.

She figured it was too much to claim to see the accusation of _Meredith Grey - Homewrecker _written in the depths of Addison's eyes. Still, the woman's gaze was a cold pale blue, and it left Meredith feeling overwhelmed and faintly ill. She pushed her hair out of her eyes, shaking her head. "We aren't…I wouldn't…I…" Her voice turned her words into a stammered, barely audible sentence.

"You're giving us the chance to save our marriage," continued Addison, cutting off Meredith completely. "And we're both grateful." Meredith looked back at the OR, instantly focusing on Derek. He was almost done, starting to close, and every movement of his hands felt achingly familiar. The corners of her eyes were prickling, threatening to spill over with tears. Meredith bit down hard against her lip, desperate to keep herself from crying in front of Addison. "Neither of us wanted to throw away the past eleven years." Addison's voice once again broke through the silence, and Meredith nodded her head.

"Of course," she whispered, and the sound was ragged and completely broken. Eleven years…that was clearly a family. A knocked up ex girlfriend? Not so much. Derek was almost done with surgery, but talking to him in the scrub room seemed impossible now. Every ounce of courage and hope she had summoned up to get herself through telling him she was pregnant had completely vanished. Instead she just felt cold and weak and pathetic. After all, it was Addison whom he'd wanted to have wait for him. Addison…_his wife_. Not her. "I understand," managed Meredith, backing away from the window. "I…I have to go."

Without another word, without even a final glance back at the OR, Meredith turned to leave. Addison just sat there wordlessly, letting her go. Down in the OR, Derek looked up in time to catch the back of Meredith's dirty blonde head disappearing from sight. There was a brief flood of light from the hallway, but it vanished with the closing of the gallery door. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he realized that Meredith had left. He caught two of the scrub nurses exchanging raised eyebrows, and forced himself to look back up to where Addison was sitting…to where she was waiting for him. She gave him another wave, and he managed a nod of his head. It was a curt gesture, full of obligation and not much else. But it was something, and it brought a smile to her lips.

The sound of the gallery door slamming shut was loud and jarring, and it seemed to loose the tears that Meredith had been struggling to hold back. She raised both hands, wiping one against each eye as she made her way down the stairs. She felt worse than she had in the morning. Everything that had been confusing before had grown exponentially, into something that was utterly overwhelming. The fact that she had no idea what she was going to do had returned with painful clarity. Fighting back a second wave of tears, Meredith hurried to the locker room. She left without changing out of her scrubs, stopping only to grab her purse and her jacket. She nearly ran across the parking lot, feeling desperate to leave the hospital. She didn't want to risk running into Derek and Addison leaving together. Because in that moment…it would be unbearable.

-----

_Gah…angst. I am making myself sad writing this stuff. I kind of hated Addison a little here because Meredith was going to tell Derek, she really was, and then…Addison came in and ruined that. And Addison's smart, she wants her marriage and she knows how to talk to women she thinks might be sleeping with her husband. Or at least, willing to sleep with her husband. Not that she thinks Meredith is, but she was suspicious, finding her there very late at night. And anyway, this is back in early season two. Back when she still had her Satan edge. Hee. So she was intentionally a little bit cruel._

_Anyway, I should have another chapter up pretty soon. Maybe even tomorrow. It's already partially written because I changed the order of a few scenes around. But yes, more coming soon. Sigh…I really do feel sad now. _

_P.S. - as for the challenge I was given by a reader o write the world's most fluffiest fic, I'm still considering what to write. It'll be Christmas soon, and I'm assuming that will put me in the mood to write something other than gloomy, gloomy The World Turned Over. (Which will be happier at some point in the forseeable future. I swear.) Only…I have no clue what to write. All my ideas are dark and twisty. (I don't do shiny and happy so well.) Any suggestions?_


	5. Wednesday's Child

_Okay so, here's the next chapter. Winter break is a wonderful thing. Instead of spending all morning in biology lab, I spent it writing chapter five. And that? Is a far more fun, relaxing occupation. Hee…so I am happy, and here is some more to read. Glad to see that people understood and appreciated Addie's early season two evilness, because while I tend to find her fairly awesome now, she did start off as a bitch in heels. (Which you know, I thought was possibly even more awesome.) And anyway, that's where the characters are at this point in my story. So…blah, blah, blah, yes she messed up the Mer/Der confession._

_Anyway, this chapter takes place two weeks after the previous one. I harp on that point a lot throughout the chapter, so it should be fairly obvious. But just in case you forget…this stuff? All the words below? Two weeks later. We're moving forward in time because Meredith is being Meredith, and I really think you would all go insane and abandon my story if I spent ten or so chapters describing just how much of an avoider Meredith was being for two weeks. I know I'd go insane, and I'm an avoider myself. So yes, we're moving ahead towards things that I find to be a bit more interesting. Hopefully, you guys shall agree._

-----

Meredith felt as if she had lost her voice. Or perhaps, the feeling was closer to what it would be like to be invisible. She wasn't exactly sure. All that she knew was that, for the past two weeks, she felt as if she had been existing in some strange sort of limbo. Her world had become a monotonous blur in which she woke up ill nearly every morning, forced to remember that she was pregnant, and then spent the rest of the day doing her best to ignore the same fact. Consequently, she said very little to anyone outside of what was necessary for work. Work proved to be a wonderful sort of distraction. Provided she managed to steer clear of both Derek and Addison, Meredith could usually drift quite nicely through her day. And, with the exception of Izzie and Cristina (who prodded her way too often for her taste as to what she was going to do about the baby), she rarely spoke at all. She knew it wasn't healthy…that she needed to decide. But something kept her poised just beyond the brink of making a decision. Stalling was more comfortable than the consequences that came with finally choosing, and so Meredith let herself linger in indecision.

Her indecision was starting to spill over into everything she did. Meredith smiled vaguely as George piled her food onto his tray for her, her attention directed towards scanning the cafeteria for a familiar head of raven hair or its counterpart of flaming red. She wanted to eat her lunch free of reminders that she still hadn't talked to Derek, and that…the one time she'd tried to talk to him, she had wound up stuck in a small room alone with Addison. The memory of that night still left her uncomfortable even two weeks later, although she liked to pretend that it had nothing to do with her sudden lapse into silence. Nothing at all.

The cafeteria was crowded with the midday rush of doctors and nurses, technicians and visitors all trying to find the time and space to sit down and eat for a few minutes. Meredith couldn't spy either of the Shepherds seated anywhere, but the various conversations filling the room were creating a distracting low hum of noise, and she couldn't quite see over the shoulders of a group of taller pediatrics residents anyway. Resigning herself to whatever lay hidden within the cafeteria, Meredith grabbed the corner of George's lab coat to keep from getting separated in the crowd, and struggled with him towards one of the few remaining tables.

"Got it," declared George triumphantly, setting down his tray and turning to wave to Izzie and Cristina, who were still weaving their way through the cafeteria's long line. Meredith just sighed as she slid into her seat, leaning forward to grab her food off of George's tray. "See, I told you we'd find seats," he continued, possessively spreading his lab coat across the two empty chairs.

"Yeah," said Meredith softly, pulling the lid off of a container of pudding, and absently drumming her spoon against the tabletop with her free hand. Her legs felt tired and heavy, and she closed her eyes, wishing the room wasn't so loud.

"Any good cases today?" George's voice summoned her eyelids back open just a few seconds later, and she frowned, shaking her head.

"Umm…valve replacement with Burke." Her voice was heavy and disinterested, failing to pick up on George's eager smile.

"Hmm…valve replacement," he echoed. "That's good. Well, you know, Burke…he's always good to work with. Intense, but still…good." Meredith shrugged and slumped forward, propping her chin up with her fist. The idea that she could forgo lunch for a quick nap in an on call room was floating around in her head, and she poked at her pudding, trying to decide if a nap would be worth the effort of getting up and once more struggling through the swarm in the cafeteria. "Joe's is good too," continued George in an awkward segway away from work. A slight note of nervousness seeped into his voice, which once again escaped Meredith's notice. She just yawned and swallowed a spoonful of pudding. George stuttered slightly as he spoke, saying, "I mean, it's a good place to hang out. Obviously it's not the same place as an OR, but still, I like Joe's. You like Joe's, right Meredith?"

"Joe's?" asked Meredith, her eyebrows knitting together into a slight frown. "Umm…yeah. Joe, he's great…" Her voice was rather absent to begin with, and quickly grew completely distracted. "Damn it," she muttered under her breath as her attention was caught by the sight of Addison walking into the cafeteria, the clack of her heels somehow reverberating above the din. Meredith's first instinct was to turn away and stare intently at the table, which she was halfway to doing before she caught sight of Derek. She still wanted to remain staring at the table, but it was simply no longer possible. Derek was shuffling a few paces behind Addison, a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other.

"Maybe we could go there later if…umm…you're thirsty after work?"

George was speaking, but his voice didn't even register in Meredith's mind. She shook her head slightly, her breath catching as Derek lifted his gaze from the ground. The heavy frown that had been creasing his brow fell away instantly as his eyes landed on her. It wasn't exactly a smile that crossed his face, just a strange twist of his lips that was somehow sad and filled with longing. Their eyes locked, as if they were two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, and it just was right to keep on staring. Meredith didn't mean to stare at him like that, actually she hadn't meant to look at him at all, but her eyes followed where he went. It seemed to be all that she was capable of doing lately, since she had grown mute against her better judgment. Her new tendency towards silence was stubbornly resolute in his presence, and Meredith found herself only capable of using her voice when her words were medical and prefaced by a formal, detached "Dr. Shepherd." And so she was reduced to watching him, her eyes lingering over his familiar features when he was occupied with other things and unaware that she was staring.

Only now, Derek was returning her gaze intently, and Meredith found herself unable to decipher the look in his eyes. All she knew was that she seemed to suddenly be moving in slow motion, the moment of his walking past her table stretching onward and onward until she didn't quite remember what she'd been doing before they started staring. Derek turned his head slightly, following her over his shoulder even as he followed Addison to a newly vacated table. Finally he sat down and time resumed its normal flow. Meredith found herself jarred out of the moment even more so by the sound of a tray being slammed down against the table.

Cristina flopped into one of the empty chairs, raising a single sarcastic eyebrow. "Oh very subtle there Mer," she said slowly, casting an amused glance back at Derek.

"Seriously," agreed Izzie, scooting in beside George and reaching over to grab a handful of his fries. "What was that? Did you finally talk to him?" Meredith shot them both an annoyed look that very clearly stated shut up, while jerking her head (not so subtly) towards George.

"No. Umm…not yet," she said simply.

"What do you need to talk to Shepherd for?" asked George.

"Long story Bambi," answered Cristina as Meredith once again narrowed her eyes. "What?" she continued, directing her question at Meredith.

Meredith just sighed. "Nothing. And I don't need to talk to him." She twisted around in her seat, her eyes turning dark and somber at the sight of Derek and Addison seated together. "At least not yet."

"Right. Ignoring the fact that you're being completely hypocritical, that's going to help you how?"

George looked back and forth between Cristina and Meredith, his expression growing more and more confused. "What are they talking about?" he whispered to Izzie. She just shook her head.

"Nothing George." She waved a dismissive hand in his direction. "Seriously Mer. My vote's for just talking to him already," she added, causing Meredith to groan and roll her eyes. George frowned, confused by the cryptic topic and the scant information provided by Izzie, who was usually spilling over with things to tell him.

"I would vote if I had any idea what was going on," he interjected with an awkward laugh.

"But you don't," replied Cristina shortly. "This is girl talk Georgie. Go and…be a man somewhere." George just blinked, prohibited from protesting by the sudden beeping of his pager. Still mumbling in confusion, he reluctantly got up and left the table. Instinctively, the three women scooted closer together and lowered their voices.

"I don't see why you think I'm being a hypocrite," protested Meredith at once, raising her spoon defensively.

Cristina just rolled her eyes. "Oh please, you were the freaking captain of the aren't-you-going-to-tell-Burke-about-the-baby-squad. It's been what…two weeks already? And you haven't said a single word to McDaddy over there."

"Oh McDaddy," interjected Izzie with a delighted smile. "That's cute."

"No," said Meredith, her voice sharp and completely serious. "We are not calling him McDaddy. That implies being a dad…having a family. And he," she paused, shooting another glance in the direction of Addison and Derek. "Clearly already has one of those."

"Well maybe he wouldn't if he knew," said Izzie softly, her words taking on an almost lilting quality. Meredith just shook her head. Part of her turned ridiculously giddy at the thought of being with Derek again, rushing her headlong into dizzying fantasies about having a baby with him. However, that part of her was very small, just some insignificant sliver of her soul that would pop up unexpectedly. The rest of her felt heavy and dull when she even thought about telling Derek that she was pregnant. He wanted to be married. He wanted to repair things with Addison, and bitter as it felt going down, she was supposed to respect that. Meredith didn't want to destroy what he had obviously chosen for himself by forcing him to choose once again. And even if miraculously he chose her, she didn't know how she would be able to forget that it wasn't _her_ he was choosing. Not really. She hadn't been enough. He'd be choosing her for the baby, for the obligation, and with that she was sure would come all the resentment that follows obligations. Besides, she reasoned, she didn't even know if she was going to keep the baby. There was nothing to tell.

"There's nothing to tell," she murmured, echoing her own thoughts.

Cristina sighed, smacking her drink down hard against the table. "So let me get this straight," she said, jabbing one of George's leftover fries in Meredith's direction. "You discover the freaking secret to the atomic bomb, and you don't say a word?"

Meredith just frowned. "What?"

"The bomb's the baby," said Izzie offhandedly, causing Meredith's eyebrows to knit together further.

"_What?" _she repeated.

"Seriously Meredith, pregnancy's supposed to make you tired not slow," said Cristina. "You tell the McBarely Marrieds over there that he accidentally knocked you up?" She shrugged, looking completely nonchalant as she gestured at the Shepherds with the fry. "It's gonna obliterate them." Meredith sighed, giving a half shake of her head, and once again twisting around to glance at Derek and Addison. They were seated close together, crowded in at one of the smaller tables. Derek's face was in profile, but she could see Addison clearly, and the other woman was talking animatedly, her red hair swishing back and forth as she spoke.

"Right," said Meredith, her voice coming out in a low whisper. She was speaking to her friends, but her gaze remained fixed on the Shepherds. They seemed stable, maybe not as smiley and happy as some of the other couples in the cafeteria, but Meredith thought they seemed stable. At least non-obliterate-able…if that was even a word. She didn't think it was, but lately it seemed impossible to get her mind to work in any sort of sensible fashion. Making up words seemed like an insignificant offense when she was incapable of holding onto her thoughts long enough to decide what she was going to do. If she was even going to have a baby. Everything was all over the place, and utterly impossible to piece together. "Right," she repeated, finally turning back to her friends. "If I have it," she said flatly. "I'm a surgeon. Surgeons don't have time for babies." It was this strange qualifier that she kept on adding to the end of her sentences, and she didn't quite understand why, but the words left her with an acrid taste in her mouth.

"We would help you," said Izzie immediately, smiling at Meredith. "You wouldn't be alone."

"And there's always dermatology," suggested Cristina with fake enthusiasm, earning an exasperated sigh from Meredith and a disapproving frown from Izzie. "Or you know, don't have it," she continued, as if she hadn't noticed either of them. "And keep logging killer hours in the OR."

Meredith just shook her head. She hated this conversation. She felt as if she'd been doing nothing but having this same conversation over and over again with herself, and with the two of them, for the past two weeks, and it always clarified nothing. "I'm just…I just…" she stammered, staring intently at her emptied pudding cup. "I just don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know about Derek. It's a lot, okay? And I just don't know." Meredith's voice was tinged with anger, but it was filled more with frustration than anything else. Her words were met with silence, and a long sigh shared by Izzie and Cristina. They were exchanging a look that was remarkably uncommon between the two of them, and which seemed to reference an earlier conversation. Izzie nodded slightly, clearing her throat.

"Meredith, I know you don't want to decide," she began tentatively as Meredith jerked her head back up from glowering at the tabletop. "And you don't know how to talk to Derek, so you're letting it keep you from choosing. But that's not how the whole pregnant thing works." She shook her head, a sad burst of laughter escaping from her lips. "Doing nothing isn't going to help you escape making a choice."

Cristina nodded her head. "Seriously Mer, you're a doctor. You know how this stuff works. There are things you have to do…either way."

"I know," said Meredith, her voice coming out in a low whine. She knew that they were right, that they were on her side, that everything they were telling her was true. But it just didn't matter. She felt as if she were six again, turned back into a child who stubbornly refused to listen to reason. "It's complicated," she continued, carefully ignoring the mingled pity and sympathy in their eyes. "I'm fine. Seriously, I'll figure it out. Lets just talk about something else." She punctuated her words with a smile that didn't quite make it past her mouth.

She wasn't fine. She was a world away from fine. She didn't know what to do, but the easiest thing to do was to just turn into herself and pretend.

-----

While driving home from work, Meredith didn't quite mean to make the turn towards Roseridge and away from her home. She simply found herself changing lanes, possessed by the sudden desire to visit her mother. Visiting her mother was always difficult, both endlessly frustrating and depressing in turn. So, she didn't quite understand why she was longing for such a visit. But lately Meredith had gotten good at simply moving and doing without thinking, and so she pulled her car into the parking lot and hurried through the rain towards the large front doors of Roseridge. She yanked the collar of her coat up against the raindrops, not bothering with an umbrella. It was a fairly short walk across the parking lot from her car, and anyway, she was used to the rain. It was usually a nuisance, but she didn't mind it so much right now. It seemed to fit perfectly with her mood. And so, by the time she pushed open the door, her hair was damp and raindrops were rolling in little rivers down her face. Meredith wiped her boots on the small rug before crossing over to the expensive carpeting and making her way towards the front desk. It was late evening, and the nursing home seemed sleepy and quiet. Still, the woman seated behind the desk looked up and greeted Meredith with a smile.

"Dr. Grey, good to see you again," she said, setting aside the magazine she had been reading.

"Thanks," replied Meredith, glancing over her shoulder towards the empty sitting room. "Umm…I came to see my mother. Is she around?"

The woman nodded her head. "She's still up…sitting by the fireplace in the den, I believe. Should I get one of the nurses to show you the way?"

"No," said Meredith immediately, already leaning forward to scrawl her signature across the next available line in the visitors' book. "I know where it is." With a tightlipped smile, she turned and walked past the desk, moving down the hallway. The halls were dim and silent, her footsteps muffled by the lush carpeting beneath her feet. Meredith had always found Roseridge eerie in the evenings. The rooms tended to be empty, with most of the patients retiring early to bed, and the sense of fading memories lingered strongly in every corner.

Meredith froze in the entrance to the den. The room was empty save for her mother, and the fire within the large stone fireplace was casting long flickering shadows across the room. Ellis Grey was seated with her back to the doorway, her posture perfectly straight despite the inviting softness of the sofa she was resting on. "Mom," called Meredith cautiously, hoping her mother would turn her head. But the older woman didn't move, and Meredith sighed softly as she walked into the room. "Mom," she repeated as she came around to the other side of the sofa. She paused gratefully in front of the fireplace, suddenly remembering that her clothes were still damp. She sank down against its warm brick surface, tilting her head to the side as she looked up at her mother. Ellis was staring intently past Meredith, and into the golden depths of the flickering flames. One hand fidgeted with her bracelet, spinning the cold metal band round and round her small wrist. But aside from that one nervous gesture, Ellis remained completely still. Meredith swallowed hard, slowly controlling a frown that had started to spread across her face. "So Mom, how've you been?" she continued, filling her voice with a determined cheerfulness. "Sorry I haven't been to visit for awhile. Things have been…hectic." Meredith laughed slightly, but again received no answer. Ellis just kept staring into the flames.

Her laughter faded into another sigh, and Meredith twisted around to watch the fire herself. The yellow light fell warmly on her hair, and she stretched her hands out, rubbing her cold fingers together. "But I've been uh…good," she continued, speaking as if she had received an answer. The words hung awkwardly in the room, and Meredith shook her head, turning back towards her mother. "Actually, that's a lie. Seriously. A total lie. I've been a mess lately. 'Classic Meredith.' Remember? That's what you'd call it."

Ellis jerked her head as if in response, and spoke suddenly. "I'm going to be late." Her voice was filled with its usual crisp intensity, and her blank expression was growing agitated. "I have to scrub in."

Meredith just nodded her head. "Of course Mom," she agreed quietly. "Go scrub in." She twirled a stray strand of hair between her fingers, watching the individual strands of hair twist and separate, and twist back together. She chanced a glance back up at her mother, but Ellis's eyes had once again grown vacant. The two women sat there in silence for a long time, until the heat from the fireplace was no longer so warming as it was uncomfortable. Meredith frowned and shifted positions, and as she did, her mother's gaze followed her. "Mom?" she asked hesitantly, looking up into Ellis's eyes, trying to determine if anything was registering in her mother's mind. "Mommy?" Ellis didn't answer, but she didn't look away. She simply stared down as intently at her daughter as she had at the fire. "Do you remember the day I was born?" The question just sort of came out, frail and slightly wavering, forcing its way past Meredith's lips. Again, Meredith was met with nothing but silence and the soft clinking of Ellis's bracelet as it was spun in continual circles.

Meredith got to her feet, moving forward to sink down into the empty seat on the sofa. She reached out, stilling her mother's hands, folding them closely with her own. "Mommy?" she tried again, her voice filled with something new that was both hesitant and a little bit desperate. "Maybe…you could just remember me…for a little while?" Ellis blinked softly as she studied her daughter's face, but again, she left Meredith with no response. Meredith frowned, her lower lip jutting out into a slight pout, and she gave her mother's hands another warm squeeze. "Right, I know that's stupid. You can't just remember me, and I know we didn't do the whole mother daughter talking thing much…even before," she mumbled, seeming to speak more to herself than to Ellis. "But right now, I could really use…" Her voice trailed off into something somewhere between a sigh and an anxious sort of laugh. She sunk back into the soft folds of the couch, crossing one leg over the other. Meredith's shoulders were slumped forward and her eyes dark with worry. By contrast, Ellis looked stick straight and apparently devoid of all emotion. Still, her fingers were laced tightly together with Meredith's, almost clinging to her daughter. "You managed without dad, right?" continued Meredith, her voice growing low and heavy. She had stopped searching her mother's face, and was simply staring wanly into the firelight. "And I made it. You made it…we both made it. It wasn't perfect, but…"

Again, Meredith fell silent. A slow heavy sigh shook her small frame, and she curled herself even deeper into the warmth of the couch. She let her head drop down against the cushions, lingering near her mother's shoulder, but not quite daring to rest on it. The flames were reflected in their eyes, and there was something calming about the fire. "I'm afraid," said Meredith, feeling almost as if she were speaking from the depths of some dream or trance. "Mommy…" Her voice wavered slightly, and she bit down hard against her lip. She thought she tasted a sudden drop of blood, but she ignored it, choosing instead to keep speaking to herself and the fire and what was left of her mother. "I don't know how I'm going to…if I even should…" She shrugged and closed her eyes. "I've never been this terrified of anything before in my life." She fell back into silence, but this time it was broken by a sudden increased pressure against her hands and the unexpected sound of her mother's voice.

"Meredith…?" Ellis turned towards her daughter, seemingly _seeing_ her for the first time that night. Meredith's head jerked back up, her eyes flying open, and Ellis smiled. It was a quiet expression, as if she was pulling the knowledge of how to smile out from some far dusty recess in her fading memory. Still, she smiled, and her voice was a strange cross between confusion and understanding. "You're having a baby?"

Meredith just blinked at her mother in astonishment. "Yes. Maybe…"

"That's good," continued Ellis softly as a veil seemed to pass in front of her eyes, pulling her back just as quickly as she had emerged. "Kids are a nuisance, but Meredith makes the house less lonely."

Meredith smiled sadly, unable to keep from calling her mother once more in a futile plea to keep her there in the present. "Mommy?" She was leaning forward, watching Ellis intently. Meredith could read the growing distraction in her mother's face, and knew it was too much to hope for another moment of lucidity so late at night. Still, she couldn't bring herself to look away, but rather gripped her mother's hand tightly. They sat there in silence, Meredith simply watching her mother slip further and further back inside herself, until the quiet footsteps of a nurse disturbed them.

"Dr. Grey," said the nurse, and both Meredith and her mother turned their heads towards the door. "It's late…I should be getting her to bed. If you don't mind, of course."

"No, of course not," said Meredith, letting go of her mother's hands and getting to her feet. "That's fine." Ellis looked back and forth between the nurse and her daughter, her light eyes darkening as she returned to fidgeting with her bracelet.

"You need to leave," she said sharply, her voice clear and businesslike. "I have an important surgery in twenty minutes." Meredith and the nurse voiced their agreement in unison, which seemed to ease the older woman's agitation slightly.

"I have to go now," continued Meredith softly, stepping close to her mother again. She reached out and pressed her hand against Ellis's soft dry cheek. "Goodnight mommy…" And with that, Meredith turned and walked away, leaving Ellis to the nurse's care.

It had grown nearly pitch black outside, the parking lot illuminated solely by vibrant patches of yellow lamplight pooling across the pavement. The rain was still falling, the drops splattering cold and heavy against the ground. Meredith hurried to her car, huddling against it as she dug through her bag for her keys. Instead, she found herself pulling out her wallet, her fingers working quickly to extract two cards she had tucked into its folds many days ago. She shuffled into a halo of lamplight, squinting against the rain to read the words printed on them. The first one had been given to her by Cristina, and contained the phone number for the clinic she had been about to use herself. The number was stretched across the length of the card in a bold, glaring font. The second piece of paper was a business card for one of the few OB/GYN practices outside of Seattle Grace that was still covered by her work insurance. She shuffled the two cards back and forth in her hands, tracing a finger slowly along the edge of each as raindrops did their best to turn the crisp papers soggy.

She had to make a choice. The truth felt painfully simple; she _had _to choose. Meredith knew in her gut that she couldn't linger much longer in indecision without driving herself insane…without making things much harder than they were already bound to be. The cards felt tiny and fragile resting in the palm of her hand; ridiculously easy to just let one slip through her fingertips and fall away forgotten. And so she kept her feet rooted to the pavement, blinking back the rain and refusing to move until she did just that.

Meredith didn't quite know how to explain how she chose. It was simply that, no matter how hard she stared, she couldn't bring herself to rip up the first card. And so she tucked it into the pocket of her jeans, and moved impulsively to the second one, shredding it straight down the middle before her mind once again found time to qualify and protest. She let it drop down to the ground in fragments, the pieces of paper landing in a puddle and quickly soaking up the rain. Meredith stared blankly at the puddle, watching as every last fragment disappeared. She didn't move until a sudden crack of lightening split the sky, and jolted her from her thoughts.

Meredith cursed and hurried to the car, slamming the door shut as the rain intensified. She shrugged off her soaking jacket and pulled on an old Dartmouth sweatshirt that was laying in the backseat. It wasn't until she'd had the heat cranked up high enough and long enough to start fogging up the windows, that she finally reached back into the pocket of her jeans. She pulled out her one remaining card, setting it against her knees. The ink was slightly smudged by the rain, but she could still make out the text. An M and a W lay interlaced within the boundaries of a small heart, and beneath the image were printed the words;

_Mercy West Hospital__  
J. Turner, MD & Associates__  
Offices of Obstetrics and Gynecolgy  
_  
Meredith breathed in deeply, the air moving past her lips in a sharp hiss. Quickly, before she had the chance to freeze again, she fished her phone out of the depths of her bag. Squinting in the dark, she dialed the number. She didn't care that it was late. She could leave a message, after all.

Once she hung up the phone, Meredith found herself sighing with something approaching relief. It felt strange in contrast to the constant tension she had been living in the past two weeks. She knew it would be short-lived, with her doubts probably returning as quickly as the next morning. She would be overwhelmed and confused and frightened all over again. But Meredith just sighed and shrugged her shoulders as she backed out of the parking lot.

For now, she could relax. Because now…she had _finally_ decided.

She was keeping her baby.

-----

_Oh my. As some of you guessed correctly, Meredith is keeping the baby. Because it's what I think she would do, which means, for better or worse…this is another baby story. I know there are lots of those, and part of me didn't want her to keep the baby because there are so many of them, but I kinda really like the baby stories. And well, this is going to be an angst-filled baby story, which I suppose is a little bit different. Anyway, that's all there is to that. She's keeping the baby even though it's hard and she's terrified because she can't quite bring herself to not keep it._

_And yeah, this was another chapter with painfully little Mer/Der interaction. I know, and I'm sorry. Mer had to decide for herself on her own, and that turned into her going to see her mother. Because she thinks it's quite possible that she'll end up just like her mother, raising a child by herself. So yes, those are my thoughts. The next chapter will have a lot more Derek. There will be some interaction with Meredith that is more substantial than their usual Poignant Looks of Longing and Woe, and will have some of his perspective as to the past two weeks as well. _

_Anyway, thanks for reading and for the great reviews!_


	6. None Of Us Were Angels

_So, time for another update. This is why I love break. I can sit at home and write for hours. Who cares if that makes me a lazy bum? I rather enjoy being a lazy bum, thank you very much. Anyway, yes. Updating. Now, because many people have commented on Derek and the baby (Why doesn't he know yet? When will he know? Is she going to tell him? And so on…) I figured I will talk about that. I don't want to give away the exact chapter and like…paragraph number in which he finds out, because…seriously, a girl likes to have a little bit of excitement and suspense involved with her story. However, rest assured (unless it's what you were hoping for, in which case…sorry) it will not be this long nine month thing before Derek finds out. I would go crazy writing that. I want Derek to find out. I can't wait for him to find out. He will react…hmmm, not saying how he will react be it good or bad. But, umm…he will react. And actually, he will find out soonish… My sources say at some point within the next three chapters… And that is all I'm saying on that. Tralalalalala… _

_Now, for the chapter. This starts two days after the previous one. And, it starts with Derek. You know, to mix things up a bit. Alright, shutting up now. Here we go!_

-----

Sixteen days.

The number stuck in Derek's head; a heavy weight that he couldn't seem to forget. _Sixteen days_. It had been sixteen days since he had had anything resembling a normal conversation with Meredith. Sixteen days since she had smiled at him, had said hello, had offered him any sort of acknowledgement beyond the bare bones greetings required by work. Derek supposed that he shouldn't care. It shouldn't bother him. He shouldn't need to see Meredith every day. They weren't together anymore, so he should be perfectly fine just letting her get on with her life. And then, he could be perfectly fine just getting on with his. Only…things didn't seem to be working out so easily because there he was, searching the halls of the hospital in the pale early morning light, when he technically could still be at home "enjoying" breakfast (it really did belong in air quotes) with his wife.

At last, Derek found who he'd been looking for. He smiled and, after taking a self congratulatory sip of coffee, headed over to the nurses' station. "Dr. Bailey," he called out cheerfully, prompting the shorter woman to turn around and look up at him.

Her expression was instantly skeptical. "What?"

"Well good morning to you too," continued Derek, setting down his coffee and leaning against the counter. "Just thought I'd stop by and see how my favorite resident is doing this morning." He grinned down at her hopefully, but her expression simply darkened.

"Right," she snorted. "It's five am. Your favorite resident," she continued, placing a disapproving yet amused emphasis on the words, "…was up all night with a very critical patient. Your _favorite resident_ is cranky."

"Oh…" interjected Derek, his eyes widening slightly. "Yes. Sorry about that." Bailey just snorted again, shaking her head.

"You want something, and I don't have all day. So, out with it. What are you after?"

"Um," said Derek quietly, momentarily puzzled by just how quickly Bailey had determined the purpose of his mission. He frowned, not quite sure why he felt suddenly guilty. "I want to request an intern."

Bailey just narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm sure you do."

"I just…"

"Well, who do you want?" continued Bailey, cutting him off. "Stevens? Yang? O'Malley?" She folded her arms over her chest, the corners of her mouth playing up into a smirk. "Maybe Karev?" Derek frowned as Bailey ran down the list of every intern except for _her_. He knew she was doing it on purpose. The look on her face was one that he was growing rather used to. It didn't come just from Bailey, but from the other interns as well. It was annoyance and disbelief mingled with a warning that clearly stated that he would be better off just leaving Meredith alone. And in a way, Derek knew that they were right. But it was in a quiet subdued way that he had a hard time listening to. Actually, he was pretty sure he would have a hard time staying completely away from Meredith unless she spelled it out for him. Loudly. And while glaring at him; her lower lip jutting out and her eyes sparking indignantly. (Besides, he found her to be ridiculously hot when angry, so…) Even then…he wasn't sure how much he would actually listen. He was pretty sure that he'd still find a way back to the nurses' station, the request for her once again just slipping easily past his better judgment.

And so Derek smiled, and ignored the scowl Bailey was shooting him. "No. Dr. Grey actually," he replied, doing his best to be casual and offhanded about it.

"Oh you want Grey?" The question sounded simply curious, but it was filled with layers and layers of implications that weren't lost on Derek. He cocked his head to the side, a grin spreading across his face at the mention of wanting Meredith. He couldn't help it. Just the thought of her made him happy, even if it came hand in hand with getting glowered at by her resident.

Derek cleared his throat and nodded, the grin still lingering on his face. "Well yes, you see…I'm an attending," he said, sounding just a little bit pleased with himself. "And I want an intern."

"No, you want Grey," countered Bailey, failing to look even slightly amused. "Just how is working with you going to help my intern?"

Derek gaped down at her, his mouth hanging slightly open. Bailey was always difficult, but it seemed to him that she was setting a new record today. "Because…this is a good case," he stammered, slowly pulling together his explanation. "She's only been on two neuro cases in three weeks, and she's great at neuro. Mer…umm, Dr. Grey would learn a lot." Derek frowned and ran a hand through his hair. He took a thoughtful sip of his coffee, his usual confident smirk returning to play across his face. "Wait…why are you making me explain this?" he asked, his tone light and teasing. "I'm your boss, remember?"

"So I've heard," muttered Bailey, turning back to the chart in her hands. Derek's face fell, and he watched her uncertainly. She didn't lift her gaze from the chart, simply pulled out a pen and scribbled a few notes.

"Miranda please," said Derek, leaning forward. "She would really love this case." He was half surprised to find himself begging, but the truth was, he _knew_ she would love the case. He wasn't completely sure that Meredith would be thrilled to be working with him, since she had gone out of her way to treat him with what seemed to amount to cold indifference at best over the past few weeks. But he knew in his gut that, as soon as Meredith flipped open the chart, her eyes would light up the way they used to around him. And in the moment, that was all that mattered.

Bailey sighed and shook her head. "You will not make eyes at my intern. You will be professional. You will not put so much as one toe out of line. And if that girl comes back looking even slightly more miserable than normal, there will be hell to pay. Understood?"

Derek nodded, trying to process everything Bailey had just said to him. "Wait…you're assigning her to me?" he asked incredulously. "Seriously?" His face split instantly into a grin.

"Yes, I'm assigning her to you," echoed Bailey dully. "Because, despite that hair, you _are _my boss."

"Bailey, you're a wonderful woman." Derek took another swig of his coffee, but paused mid drink, his eyes darkening from rapidly from blue to navy. He set the coffee back down, and ran a hand through his hair, highlighting the confusion that was evident in his features. "Hold on," he said seriously. "What was that part about her looking miserable?"

Bailey just shook her head and gathered up her things. A small sad smile flickered across her face. "Boy…you're so damn stupid sometimes." And with that she turned and walked down the hall, leaving Derek alone.

He lingered there at the nurses' station, doing his best to concentrate on some paperwork, but his thoughts kept drifting back to what Bailey had said. As far as he was concerned, Meredith looked beautiful. She _always_ looked beautiful. She simply was beautiful. It wasn't that he had completely indiscriminative taste in women. He could tell when Addison was slightly out of it, and when she was her usual flawless self. He could pick up on the heavy exhaustion in the interns coming off call versus those coming into work. It was simply that, no matter how tired or angry or distracted Meredith looked, Derek always thought she looked beautiful. Perfect, even. Sometimes he found himself wishing Addison looked a little bit more like her, and Addison was stunning in her own right, with the sort of body that tended to make men stop and stare. (Derek knew he would've gone insane with jealousy some time in the past eleven years if he were the sort of man who got jealous over little things like that. But he wasn't. He really only got upset when other men slept with his wife, and he figured that he was justified there.) Still, the point was, Meredith always looked beautiful to him. Not miserable.

But, if he really thought about it, there had been moments lately when he had caught Meredith staring at him with something in her eyes that chilled him. He wasn't sure what it was, but it was something empty, overwhelmed…horrified even. It never lasted long, and whenever she realized he had noticed her staring, the strange light would flicker away and be replaced by the makings of a taciturn smile. It was always brief, barely more than an instant, and he hadn't given it much thought. He didn't want to consider the possibility that it was his fault she could look so scarred. Still, the thought was plaguing him now, keeping him distracted enough that he didn't even notice her approaching half an hour later.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith's voice broke easily into his thoughts, and he straightened up to look at her.

"Dr. Grey," he answered, smiling easily at her. She looked normal, her hair falling loose over her shoulders and a bright red shirt peeping out from beneath her scrubs. Still, Derek found himself scanning her face intently, searching for any trace of the misery Bailey had mentioned earlier. All he uncovered was a skeptical frown as Meredith raised an eyebrow at him.

"You requested me," she said, placing a peculiar emphasis on the word. Derek couldn't tell if she was angry or just annoyed, but at least she was speaking to him, not treating him like a blank wall.

"I did," he agreed.

Meredith sighed and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. "Alright. Well…" She held out an expectant hand for the patient's chart. Derek kept it tucked firmly under his arm, his attention returning to studying the depths of her eyes. He was staring at her intently, and Meredith shifted slightly, folding her arms protectively beneath her chest. "Umm…" she mumbled softly, the steel glint in her eyes fading away to be replaced by something raw and conflicted. Her mouth was slightly parted, her expression questioning and uncertain, and Derek thought he picked up on just what Bailey had been referencing.

"How've you been?" he asked quietly, unable to pull away from her gaze. However, the sound of his words had an instantaneous effect on Meredith, jarring her from whatever vulnerable place it was she'd drifted to.

She sounded cross and slightly embarrassed as she answered him. "Fine. I'm fine."

"Fine-fine or Meredith-fine? I know there's a difference," he said with a grin, the words just coming out before he had the chance to check them.

Meredith's eyes flashed instantly. "I'm fine Derek. Period." Her voice sounded sharper than she had intended, and she regretted it as soon as she saw the change it wrought in his expression. She didn't understand the need she seemed to have to be so short with him. All she knew was that her heart felt twisted from the fact that she hadn't told Derek that she was keeping her baby, or that she was even pregnant to begin with. She felt like one big walking secret, and the knot of guilt that created in her stomach came out easiest as anger or indifference. When she gave in to his tendency to speak to her as if she were someone special, it just seemed that much worse to not have told him yet.

"I was just worried…" began Derek hesitantly.

Meredith sighed, her expression softening a little. "I'm fine Derek. Seriously." He nodded, still searching her face, not quite believing her. "Now, did you have anything you wanted me to do?" she continued, once again holding her hand out. Derek gave in this time, not wanting to push her further. He passed the chart to her.

"Surgery's at one," he said, waiting eagerly for her reaction. He didn't have to wait long. Meredith skimmed over the chart before looking back up at him, a gasp of excitement escaping from her. She pushed her bangs out of her eyes, blinking up at Derek.

"Seriously?" she asked. "A corpus callosotomy?"

"Seriously," grinned Derek.

"Wait…I'm actually scrubbing in on a split brain surgery? You're actually…" Meredith found herself stammering, forgetting just about everything else as she eagerly returned to scanning the chart.

"Yes, you're scrubbing in," agreed Derek, feeling suddenly as if he didn't have a care in the world. Meredith was walking, no…nearly skipping, along beside him, firing question after inquisitive question at him, her voice animated and her eyes wide with wonder and excitement. He knew it would be cheap and short-lived, that the luster in her eyes would eventually fade away as surely as post-surgery adrenaline. He would go home to Addison and to _trying_, and that would feel even duller than usual when compared to how utterly alive he felt right now. Meredith wouldn't be his, and she would go back to watching him with wary eyes. But right now, Derek couldn't quite bring himself to give a damn.

Because the way she was right now? That was his Meredith. The one who had saved him in Seattle. And he didn't know how to let that go.

-----

Meredith didn't let herself think about anything other than work until she had made it through the whirlwind of quickly prepping for, and actually assisting Derek, in surgery. But now, she was leaning against the railing of the bridge as she went over post-op notes with him. Honestly, attendings didn't have to bother with the dull, nearly administrative task of writing post-op notes. But there Derek was, leaning next to her on the railing, going over the finer points of severing the corpus callosum again for her as she scribbled away on the patient's chart.

"Seriously," breathed Meredith, finally straightening up and pushing the hair out of her eyes. "That was amazing."

Derek nodded his head. "I know. That's why I wanted you to see it." Beneath his usual cocky grin, Meredith thought she picked up on a thread of something far more earnest and serious.

"Well…thanks." She turned back to her post op notes, not exactly sure how to bridge the gap back to speaking normally after over two weeks of silence. She wasn't even sure it was a good idea to start talking like friends…or whatever it was they had shifted over to during the course of the day. Friends, ex lovers, simply coworkers…all the lines were blurred between her and Derek. _Father of my child_, she reminded herself forcibly, but her body refused to listen to her mind, and it kept her attention focused on yet again going over the now completed post-op notes.

"Meredith…" continued Derek cautiously, breaking the silence that Meredith couldn't bring herself to end. She nodded her head, but didn't look up. "You're good at this stuff…at neuro, I mean." Meredith nodded again, amazed at the sudden hesitancy that was filling Derek's voice. "I wouldn't want you to avoid it because of…" He shrugged helplessly, raising a hand to emphasize the space between them. "The way things are with us," he concluded quietly, and Meredith looked up against her will. Derek's blue eyes seemed unusually vulnerable, and there was a low tremor in his voice that was so completely not-Derek that Meredith was forced to realize that (in some small way) he had become just as broken and conflicted as she had.

"I wouldn't," she said quietly, her voice nearly a whisper.

"Good." Derek sounded instantly relieved, and he turned quickly to look at her, a sheepish grin flashing across his face. "So, what've you been up to?" he continued, apparently eager to change the subject.

Meredith just blinked at him in disbelief. "Huh?"

"What have you been up to?" he repeated. "Done anything interesting lately? Roommates still driving you crazy?"

"Derek, _what_ are you doing?"

"Talking to you. We can still talk, right?" he asked hopefully. He leaned forward, running a hand through his hair as he looked at Meredith, his eyes filled with an intense warm smile that sent a shiver running down the length of her spine.

"What could we possibly have to talk about?" she muttered, ignoring her own very obvious answer to the question.

"Anything. Everything. Go ahead, ask me anything you want." Derek grinned, sounding very much like a little boy boasting to her to go ahead and dare him, dare him to do anything that she wanted. She shook her head, halfway to telling him that he was crazy, before her mind caught on a key word and wouldn't let go.

"Anything?" she murmured, her voice soft and as hesitant as his had been earlier.

"Anything," agreed Derek enthusiastically, thoroughly amazed that Meredith had yet to shut him out completely.

"Anything…" she echoed again. She couldn't bring herself to deny that she was pregnant anymore, not after shredding the card to the clinic into pieces. That had been a decision. That had been a step out of denial and into reality. Still, Meredith didn't quite know how to address the issue…especially not with Derek. And so she found herself doing what seemed to be the next best thing. She turned back to Derek, her voice deathly quiet. "How come you and Addison have never had kids?"

Derek's eyes darkened instantly, shifting from clear blue to a stormy indigo. It wasn't so much anger that was clouding his expression as it was just the contrast of turning away from his previous grin towards something much more serious. Still, Meredith heard her breath hitch, and her fingernails dug reflexively into the tender skin of her palms.

"I don't know," muttered Derek, shaking his head. "We've talked about it a few times…pretty seriously once when we'd both finished our residencies." He shrugged and looked back at Meredith who was watching him intently, her eyes wide and solemn. "It just never seemed like the right time."

"Never seemed like the right time?" she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. "In eleven years Derek? There was never a right time in _eleven _years?"

"Yeah…weird right?" he said, the corner of his mouth twisting up into a sad semblance of a smile. Meredith just nodded mutely. Never a right time… As if an intern pregnant in the first, crucial, hellish year of a surgical internship thanks to her married ex boyfriend constituted anything close to a right time. She swallowed hard, reaching up and fidgeting with a strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail. "Meredith?" asked Derek, his eyes boring into hers, trying to sift through and find just what was turning her so somber.

She shook her head and smiled vaguely. "Yeah. Weird. That's weird."

Derek buried his face in the palm of his hands, sighing as he rubbed his eyes. "Yeah," he agreed as he glanced up again. "And now…after Mark and everything, we…" Derek trailed off as their eyes locked, and they both seemed to simultaneously recognize the reference to sex with someone other than each other implicit in what they were saying. Meredith flushed slightly, turning away, and Derek cleared his throat. "I wouldn't want a…it's just highly unlikely," he muttered, his voice coming out dangerously close to brusque.

"Right," said Meredith quietly. The two of them stared at each other, both with a hundred things they wanted to say lurking just behind the doors to their lips. Only, the doors stayed closed, and they kept staring at each other as the silence twisted into something powerful in its own right. At last, Derek smiled sadly and Meredith shook her head, clutching her post-op notes protectively against her chest. "I should get these back in," she mumbled, gesturing down at them.

For a single second, Meredith thought Derek was about to protest, and (though she hated to admit it) the possibility filled her heart with a sudden lightness. But then he was nodding in agreement, already turning to check something on his BlackBerry. "Okay," he said, looking up to shoot her a brief smile.

And then, Meredith swore she felt her heart deflate. "Right," she repeated as she turned to go. "Thanks…" She hurried across the bridge, her gaze trained on the ground before her feet, doing her best to forget how quickly her surgical rush had been turned into something empty and cold.

-----

_So yes…what have I to say about that… First of all, Derek misses Meredith. He misses her so much that he knows exactly how many days it's been since he last had any sort of actual conversation with her. And he's stuck in his marriage, not quite sure why he's trying, or even wanting to try, but still convinced that trying is what he is supposed to be doing. Still…he misses Mer. He goes out of his way to get her in on a surgery he knows she'll find cool. He wants to make sure she's okay, to have the chance to talk to her again, to simply be near her…even if it's not the healthy ideal thing to be doing. And because of that, he ends up breaking down the wall Meredith built up over the past two weeks due to her freaking out. He gets her to talk to him again, actually talk to him, in a way she hasn't in a long time. And that? It's a start._

_As for Meredith…she's coping. She wants to tell Derek she's pregnant, but she just can't find the words. He's being friendly and happy to see her, which makes her feel in turns both guilty and somewhat at ease…leading her to ask about why he never had kids. Because well…she wants to know. The why of that is hopefully fairly obvious. And she gets an answer that is completely unguarded, but it's not exactly what she wanted to hear. Still…his reply was very much in terms of having children with Addison, as that was Meredith's question. But, in her mind, all the lines are blurred and everything is blended together._

_And wow…I've analyzed myself enough. If you actually read that, do accept my thanks for listening to me ramble. And of course, my thanks to all how review. It means lots to me!_

_P.S. - Since this story gave me the idea, figured I'd mention it here. I've come up with an idea for my fluffy little one-shot challenge. Actually, it's going to be a two-shot…two-parter? Double-shot? Anyway, it's called Upon a Midnight Clear. And, surprise of all surprises, it's Christmas-y. Gee, never would've guessed that from the title. The first half should be up right after I post this, and chapter six to this should be up in maybe two days or so…_

_That's it. Seriously. I swear I'm done rambling now. _


	7. Clear the Area

_Ahh…four in the morning updates. It is clearly winter break. I don't have much to say to set this up. I think it's pretty self-explanatory. However, I'm glad to hear that people don't completely hate my rambling. That is good. I will continue to ramble. (See? It's bad to encourage me. Hee.) Actually, I would probably still ramble anyway. It's just natural for me to be all over the place. Or something… Anyway, yeah…also glad to hear people enjoyed the previous chapter and some stuff from Derek's perspective. He's always fun, and I get to pretend to think like a guy. Which is hard, but interesting. Hee. So yes, this is actually a short opening ramble. This might be due to the four am thing. If the whole chapter makes no sense, this is also due to the four am thing. Blame it on the clocks, people. Or the lack of sleep… Yeah, lack of sleep actually makes much more sense than clocks. Anyway, here we go! _

_-----_

_No need to stay as it's always nothing __  
But your eyes tell a whole other story, and I feel the weight of the world_

-----

"Whoa…you're back here? Are you hiding?" The sound of Alex's voice ruined the perfect silence of the abandoned hallway, and Meredith looked up from where she sat on an old gurney. A flash of guilt shone in her eyes, but it disappeared quickly, and she shook her head.

"No."

"Oh, so you've just set up Camp Intern here in the dark, away from freaking all of civilization for the hell of it?" He raised an eyebrow at the stacks of labs and patients' charts piled around her. It was nearly a fort of paperwork, occasionally interspersed with various snacks.

Meredith clicked her pen indignantly, squinting in the dim light as she skimmed over a lab report. "I just needed a place to do labs."

"Seriously? You know, the hospital actually has some very nice conference rooms. With tables. And light." His voice was filled with a sarcasm quotient usually only achieved by Cristina, and he shoved Meredith's things over unceremoniously to give himself room to flop down beside her on the gurney.

"It's quiet here," she said with a rather hesitant shrug, before reaching over and yanking her bag of chips back out of his hands. "Helps me concentrate. But seriously, you found me. What are _you_ doing here? Civilization proved too much for you too?" She turned and shot Alex a grin just in time to catch a fleeting look of embarrassment cross his face.

"Nothing…"

"Oh you're lying," said Meredith delightedly, grateful for an excuse to set down the lab report she'd been working on.

"So are you," shot back Alex instantly. Meredith's smile faltered, prompting Alex to smirk as he stole a few more of her chips. She didn't answer, just stared uneasily down at the scuffed toes of her shoes, until Alex shrugged and cleared his throat. "Fine…Izzie's been complaining about how she wants those stupid cookies with the red stuff in the center, only the machine by the lockers is out. So…" His voice was both gruff and nonchalant, but his eyes looked uncomfortable.

"You mean the ones with the raspberry filling," corrected Meredith.

Alex gave a noncommittal shrug. "Sure. Whatever."

Meredith's smile returned, stretching once more into a delighted grin. "You're vending machine hunting," she declared. "For Izzie." Alex shrugged again, but his cheeks flushed noticeably. "You and Izzie…" she continued, her voice lilting and her eyes lighting up happily.

"Shut it Grey," replied Alex, finally looking up. His expression was a strange mixture of amusement, annoyance and embarrassment. "It's your turn anyway. Why are you up here? Spill."

Meredith sighed and nodded her head, her features instantly growing somber again. She leaned back to rest against the rough surface of the brick wall behind them, and closed her eyes. "Hiding," she murmured quietly.

"From Shepherd?"

It was her turn to shrug her shoulders as well. "Sort of…it's a long story." She pressed a hand to her forehead, sweeping her long bangs back and away from her face.

Alex's voice was uncharacteristically gentle. "I like long stories." Meredith turned and raised an eyebrow at him. Her eyes were hesitant and uncertain, and she fidgeted anxiously with the tie of her scrubs while she searched his face.

"I'm pregnant," she mumbled, the words soft and almost lost even in the silence of the hallway. She wasn't quite sure why she was telling him, she just knew that she was growing desperate for an opinion beyond the two she'd been confined to for the past few weeks. Izzie had been delighted when Meredith told her she was keeping the baby, and was almost frightening in how sympathetic she was being; smuggling home an arsenal of baby books (that Meredith had yet to even touch), and managing to somehow both distract George and hold back Meredith's hair nearly every time she had to throw up. Cristina had been skeptical at best, but she'd cut out the dermatology jokes and was doing her best to be supportive, limiting herself to only a stray sarcastic comment or two. Still…their opinions were practically etched in stone. Meredith knew their replies without even having to ask, and she needed something different. And so, still fidgeting with the hem of her scrubs, she turned to face Alex.

His eyes were filled with shock, and he let out a low whistle. "Shit…you're serious?"

Meredith nodded her head. "Yeah, two months," she said, a humorless smile flashing briefly across her face. "And I'm keeping it, because…" she paused and laughed disbelievingly, the sound as empty as her smile. "Apparently I'm stupid…or I like pain…or something. So…I don't exactly want to see Derek right now," she continued, her voice quiet and a little bit shaky.

"What? Is that bastard mad at you?" Alex's whole body grew rigid, as if something angry buried deep inside him had been stirred by her words. "If he is, I swear to god Meredith…"

"No," she said quickly, cutting him off. Alex's indignation on her behalf turned her voice very small, and she looked away down the dark and empty hallway. "It's just…I haven't told him yet."

"You haven't told him?" Meredith didn't answer, but simply shook her head. "Are you _going _to tell him?"

She turned back to Alex, her green eyes grown pale and haunting. She licked her lips before answering. "Probably." The word was a whisper; a single strained sound that hung in the air.

"Well are you leaving?" There was something almost heavy and accusing in his voice.

"What?" asked Meredith, frowning at him. She had never known Alex to be so inquisitive.

"Leaving the hospital? Transferring?"

She shook her head, running a finger along the worn fabric of the gurney. She had played that exact scenario over in her mind several times, never managing to achieve a satisfactory solution. "I'm in the best surgical internship in Seattle." She looked up helplessly at Alex. "I'd have to move out of state for an equivalent program, and my mom… I can't leave her, but I don't know how I'd move her." Meredith bit down on her lip, her eyes clouding over. "A big change like that? She's bad enough already these days, so…" Her voice trailed off as she yanked at one of the gurney's many frayed threads.

"So you guess you're staying," finished Alex, when Meredith made no attempt to resume speaking.

"I guess I'm staying," she agreed quietly.

"And what? You want him to find out by coming into work one day three months from now and suddenly realizing his old girlfriend looks like a truck?"

Her mouth dropped open, and for an instant she looked horrified. "No," she moaned, burying her face in her hands. "I don't know what I want. It's going to make things so weird. Besides, he doesn't want kids, Alex. Not after the whole cheating wife thing."

"He said that?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, her voice muffled by her palm. "I asked him why he and Addison don't…"

"Hey," interrupted Alex, cutting her off. "Just because he doesn't want to father the antichrist, doesn't mean anything."

"The antichrist? Seriously Alex?" Meredith lifted her head back up, not quite sure whether to look incredulous or entertained.

Alex raised his hands defensively. "Just trying to stick with the whole Satan theme you guys gave the She-Shepherd."

Meredith snorted in disbelief. "Right."

"Look," continued Alex, sounding surprisingly earnest as he turned on the gurney to face her. "I think the guy's an arrogant ass for what he did to you. But, he deserves to know he's having a kid."

His words were met with a long silence, full of Meredith staring at the ground, avoiding his eyes. Finally she sighed and shook her head. "I know," she said quietly. "He does. It's just…I don't know how to tell him. You know?" Alex shrugged, and once again leaned forward to grab the chips Meredith had been eating.

"Just blurt it out," he said as he popped one in his mouth. "Like you did with me. Makes for a nice shock. Or…" he paused, a wicked smirk curving its way across his face. "Say it in front of Satan. Ask her for an ultrasound for your baby, and then sit back and watch all hell break loose." He wiggled his eyebrows at Meredith, looking very pleased with himself, but she simply scowled in return.

"No. Not happening." Alex just laughed and crammed some more chips into his mouth. "Seriously Alex, she can't know," insisted Meredith, sounding slightly frantic. "You can't say a word."

Picking up on the wild light in her eyes, Alex nodded. "Okay, okay," he placated. "Relax Grey. I'm not ratting you out to the She-Shepherd."

"Thank you Alex," she murmured, closing her eyes and letting her head drop down to rest against her knees.

He tilted the bag of chips upside-down, emptying the rest of its contents into his mouth, before reaching out and mussing Meredith's hair with a greasy hand. "Yeah. Well…I figure you can make a big enough mess of it on your own."

"Wow," said Meredith, finally looking up and rolling her eyes. "You're even more reassuring than Cristina." Alex just laughed, and the corner of Meredith's mouth twitched up into a slight smile.

"I am, aren't I?"

She nodded and the two of them lapsed into a comfortable silence that lasted several minutes. Alex had a bizarre way of calming her down, and Meredith found herself feeling far less tense than she had when she'd curled up in the empty hallway over an hour earlier. Finally Alex glanced down at his watch, and scooted forward on the gurney.

"Seven o'clock. Time to go," he said happily. "You heading out now too?" he continued as he got to his feet.

Meredith sighed reluctantly and shook her head. "I wish. I'm on call."

"Oh okay," he agreed. "Try and get some sleep though," he added, his voice only slightly teasing despite the utter impossibility of getting a good night's sleep while on call. "For the little guy."

Meredith was halfway to rolling her eyes again, but she stopped herself and simply smiled back at him. "Yeah…thanks Alex." He gave her a brief nod of his head, supplemented by a fleeting grin. Reluctantly, Meredith picked up her forgotten stack of labs and fished her pen out of her pocket. She was just about to start writing, when Alex paused in the hallway and cleared his throat. Meredith looked up expectantly. "Yeah?"

"For what it's worth," he said, running a hand over his short hair. "If it were my kid?" He was looking at Meredith intently, his voice completely serious. "I wouldn't care how fucking complicated knowing would make things. I'd still want to know."

Meredith couldn't seem to find her voice, and so she just nodded. Their eyes locked in a brief moment of understanding, before Alex started back down the hall and she returned to her mountain of paperwork.

-----

It was late at night by the time Meredith finally got a chance to wander towards the on call rooms. Her legs felt heavy, as if her bones had been removed and replaced with lead, making every step something close to agony. She sighed and pulled her hair out of its ponytail, before pushing open the door to the nearest on call room. It was dark and she unthinkingly reached for the light switch, flooding the room with a cheap yellow-white glow.

"Oh shit…sorry," she muttered, her bleary eyes just able to make out the shape of someone sitting up in bed, blinking unhappily in the sudden light.

"Meredith?" The voice was low and familiar, and stopped her from backing completely out the door.

Meredith rubbed a hand over her eyes, bringing the man in front of her slowly into focus. "Derek?" He was running a hand through the dark messy strands of his hair, his own eyes still adjusting to the sudden change in light. "Sorry…" she stammered. "I didn't realize you were in here…that anyone was in here really. I was just so tired." She shook her head, her cheeks flushing. "And seriously, I didn't even know you were on call tonight. I'm sorry." Derek just laughed. He was fully awake now, and honestly a little bit amused by the sight of Meredith rambling and wringing her hands together as she stood in the doorway.

"Mer, it's okay."

"No…sorry." She shook her head again. "I'm just gonna go."

His voice was an instant contradiction. "Stay."

"What?" Meredith turned back to look at him, her hand still hovering over the doorknob. Their eyes locked, full of something shared and guilty, which they both promptly ignored.

Derek cleared his throat. "There's another bed," he continued quickly, gesturing towards the second bed squeezed into the small room. Its covers were made; a perfect display of crisp hospital folds. Two pillows rested at the head of the bed, and it spoke of sleep and warmth. Meredith twisted to stretch her tired muscles, trying not to stare at it too hungrily.

Her voice was slow and uncertain. "I…shouldn't."

"You should." He grinned at her, a mischievous glint suddenly sparking in the blue depths of his eyes.

"Derek…" Meredith's voice was low and unamused as she folded her arms over her chest, daring him to explain how this could possibly be appropriate.

"It's just a bed Meredith," said Derek, apparently doing his best to rise to the challenge. "And we're both adults. Besides, it's late, and all the other rooms are probably full." Meredith rolled her eyes at that, knowing that she would probably need to walk just another ten to twenty steps down the hall to find an empty room. Still, her feet felt heavy, and she couldn't bring herself to just walk away. She sighed reluctantly, shrugging her shoulders, but not answering. "Please…just stay Meredith." The plea in his voice was barely disguised, and it was that more than anything else that got her to nod her head.

"It's just a bed," she agreed quietly.

"Exactly."

They frowned at each other, choosing to bypass the lie inherent in their words. Meredith slipped off her lab coat, folding it with more precision than usual before placing it on the lone chair in the room. Derek had dropped his own white coat unceremoniously onto the floor. His eyes followed her, a smile flickering across his lips, as she slipped off her clogs and moved to turn off the light. She shuffled cautiously forward in the dark, feeling for the bed with her hand before dropping down onto it. Slipping beneath the covers, a low grateful moan escaped her lips as the bed gave easily beneath her.

"You're tired," observed Derek, his voice sounding surprisingly close in the darkness.

"Yeah," agreed Meredith softly. She turned over, adjusting both the pillow and the blankets several times before laying still. "Goodnight Derek…"

"Goodnight Meredith…"

Their voices trailed off, sounding thin and insubstantial when compared to the last time they had wished each other goodnight through the darkness. Then everything had been a warm tangle of limbs--their bodies bare and glistening with the remaining sheen of sex and sweat. Goodnight had been this low and husky song; spoken on lips that brushed against skin as they moved, filled with laughter and something that Meredith had called love. Now the contrast made her feel cold and lonely, and she shivered as she rolled over once more, turning so that her back was towards Derek. She couldn't sleep. She shouldn't have agreed to lay down. Every second she grew nothing but more awake. He was too close and too far from her in the same moment, and Meredith dug her teeth into her lower lip to keep from bursting into sudden, unwelcome tears. She lay perfectly still, willing herself to rest until she couldn't tolerate it any longer. Meredith rolled back over, her eyes wide to the darkness as she stared unseeingly in his direction.

"Derek?" Her voice wavered as she spoke, filled with the tears she was holding back.

The bed groaned beneath the shifting of his body, and moments later he answered. "Yeah?"

"Are you awake?" She rolled her eyes at the stupidity of that question the moment it made it past her lips.

"Yeah Mer," said Derek, his amused smile evident in the tone of his voice.

"Oh…okay," whispered Meredith, straining to keep her own voice at something that could pass for normal. "Me too."

"Yeah, I kinda guessed that."

"Yeah…"

She let them lapse into silence again. The velvety darkness felt oppressive, and Meredith flung an arm over her eyes even as a tear slipped past her defenses, burning as it rolled down her skin. Both of them lay listening to the sound of each other breathing; neither approaching anything close to sleeping. Meredith was practically shuddering with the effort of pretending everything was normal and that she had nothing more to do than sleep. Alex's voice was playing over and over again inside her head. _I wouldn't care how fucking complicated knowing would make things. I'd still want to know. _It was a weight in her mind that seemed to weigh most heavily against her tongue, coaxing her to give in and speak. And finally she did, roughly wiping the stinging tears from her eyes before clearing her throat.

"Derek, I have to tell you something." She spoke quickly; her words tumbling together as if she were struggling to get them out before she lost her nerve.

He had been caught up in his own thoughts, but was far from sleep as well, so his reply was instantaneous. "Okay."

"A big something," she continued awkwardly. "Seriously…big. Huge. Scary." Her voice quavered, and she squeezed her eyes shut, still fighting to act like a calm rational adult and not burst into tears. She didn't understand the overwhelming urge to cry that had filled her, but it was burning her throat and her eyes, making her feel hot, dizzy and conflicted. "I don't know how to tell you," she continued, her voice thin and edged in fear. "But, I think you should know. So…so…I'm just going to say it." She barely realized it, but she was desperately trying to prepare Derek for what she was about to say.

"Meredith?" His voice was hesitant and uncertain, but it was filled with a gentleness as familiar as his arms around her. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head fiercely, holding back for one last second. But the darkness hid her face and gave her something to cling to. Meredith stared wildly at the ceiling, one hand pressed to her hot tear-stained face. "Derek, I'm pregnant," she said, nearly choking on the words.

A silence as bold as the darkness filled the room, and though it was barely two seconds long, it felt endless to Meredith. Derek wasn't saying anything, and that was enough to send her spiraling outward, tears spilling unchecked down her cheeks.

"You're pregnant?" When he spoke, his voice was filled with disbelief, but it slowly swung its way towards awe. "Meredith? You're having my baby?" She nodded her head, but the gesture was wasted in the shadows. "Meredith?" His voice was more urgent this time, and it prompted her to reply.

"Yes." The sound broke in the middle, turning into a sob. Even as she gasped and started to cry, Meredith found herself thinking of how much she hated the person she'd become…this weak, pathetic girl who was shuddering with tears simply because Derek was a bed away from her, and she didn't know what he was thinking. Her tears felt bitter and unnecessary, but she couldn't seem to hold them back.

"Meredith, don't cry," said Derek softly, attempting to calm her. "Please…shhh…it's okay." But his words were lost beneath the uneven sound of her breathing and the quavering of her voice. Meredith curled into a ball, exhaustion and the overwhelming release of emotions due to finally confessing leaving her close to irrational. She knew nothing concrete until she felt the bed shift and a body fit in next to hers. "Meredith…" murmured Derek, pulling her into his arms. He pressed his lips to her hair, marveling at how perfectly her arms still wrapped around his neck. She buried her face in his chest, soaking his scrubs almost instantly. "It's okay. Breathe…just breathe." Derek could feel her racing heart against his own chest, and so he clasped her small hand in his and brought it between them, feeling unsure of how to calm her. "Mer breathe," he tried again, and felt her move closer to him. He responded instinctively, enveloping her tiny frame completely in his arms. He ran a hand up and down the length of her back, his voice whispering low in her ear.

Finally, she grew calmer. Tears stopped spilling from her eyes, and her breathing returned to something close to normal. She sniffled, and pulled her hand away from his to wipe at her eyes. "Sorry," she whispered, and her breath tickled his neck.

"What? No, don't be. Why are you sorry?"

"You have a wife," muttered Meredith darkly. "You don't need to be dealing with all of…this." She shrugged her shoulders, and the motion was trapped between them, felt in both their bodies.

"No," said Derek, his thumb reaching out and wiping at her tears. "I _do_ need to be dealing with all of this." Meredith sighed, simply relishing the feeling of the edge of his thumb grazing down the curve of her cheek. She didn't want to speak. She didn't even want to move. All she wanted to do was lie there and pretend that things were as simple as they seemed in that moment--that nothing existed beyond herself and Derek. But finally, she forced herself to speak again.

"Derek…you're not mad? That I told you…that…?" She sounded weak and in desperate need of reassurance.

Derek had still been drying her tears, and his hands moved now to cup her face. "No," he said fiercely, an undercurrent of disbelief running through his voice. "Meredith…_never_."

"Okay…" she answered, her speech reverting to a whisper.

Derek's hands drifted from where they rested alongside Meredith's face, moving to trace the warm outline of her lips. The curving path of her mouth was something etched in his memory, and he didn't need light to guide his hand. As his thumb danced over and over along that familiar path, they both moved instinctively, legs shifting to bring their bodies closer together. Their breathing slowed and became synchronized. "You're having my baby," Derek said quietly. His voice was pure awe--low and reverential.

"Yes…" breathed Meredith.

Without thinking, they both moved to eliminate what little was left of the space between them. Derek's thumb lifted away from her mouth, replaced by the sudden press of his lips against hers. Meredith reached up, her hands running through the thick messy curls of his hair, pulling him down to her. Their mouths opened wider, every motion of their tongues hungry and searching. Their eyes were open in the darkness as if desperate to see all that they could of each other. Meredith untangled her hands from Derek's hair, shifting them down and beneath his shirt. She ran them across the smooth skin of his back, relishing the feel of his muscles moving just beneath the surface as she pulled his shirt off. Somehow she lost her top as well, and Derek's hand pressed against her still flat stomach as he whispered her name. She reached down and lay her hand over his, their fingers intertwining and holding tight for a moment.

But soon, Derek's teeth had found her neck and his hands drifted downward to climb up the curve of her thigh. Meredith moaned as the pressure of him against her eliminated all thought from her mind. She knew nothing save for the fact that her skin burned wherever he touched her, that his fingers raked through her hair and pulled her hips towards him in a way that was achingly familiar.

And so it took a long time for the sound of the pager to register. It had to find its way past the ragged sound of breathing that filled their ears. It had to distract them from the business of untying scrubs and shedding clothing. It had to become more important than their need to feel each other again; their suddenly frantic desire to relearn every forgotten taste and touch. It took a long time, but the beeping was insistent, and finally it broke through.

"Damn it…" hissed Meredith, pulling away from Derek before she fully realized what she was responding to. But as she shifted away from him to grab her pager, the truth of what they had been about to do hit her hard. She stumbled in the dark, cursing loudly, before making it to the light switch and turning it on with a sudden upward thrust of her hand. Her eyes were frantic, and she refused to meet Derek's as she bent down to grab her scrubs.

"Meredith…" His voice was insistent, and her body was still flushed from the warmth of him. The combination forced her to pause in the midst of pulling on her pants.

"Derek, we shouldn't have been doing that," she said, sounding both angry and confused. She turned towards where he had sat up in bed, her eyes going immediately to the gold ring around his finger. Meredith felt a note of panic awaken in her heart, and she nearly spat out the words, saying, "Baby or not, you're married." She was dressing as she spoke, and so missed the flicker of pain that caused in Derek's eyes.

"Meredith…" She shook her head, shoving her feet into her shoes and grabbing her lab coat off the chair. "Mer, please."

Meredith glanced up at him. "What?"

"Stay," he pleaded for the second time that night. She shot him an incredulous look, and he moved to elaborate. "A few minutes…you can't answer a page like that." He had a point. Her eyes were still bloodshot from crying. Her clothing was terribly askew at best, her hair wild, and her lips swollen--screaming of unfinished sex.

"I don't have a choice Derek," said Meredith, her gaze once again returning to her pager. "My patient is coding…_was_ coding. He's probably going to be dead by the time I get there, unless the nurses think of something creative." She yanked open the door. "I can't stay."

"Fine. Go," agreed Derek. "Just…come back." His voice was uncertain, thrown off by the sudden tension coursing through her. Meredith hesitated a moment longer, turning back to look at Derek. His hair was nearly standing up straight and his eyes were intense, but her gaze settled on his bare chest and the long red lines her nails had left there. She had almost slept with Derek. With _married _Derek. She would have slept with him if her pager hadn't gone off. The knowledge that she hadn't hesitated for even a second filled her with a sharp pang of guilt.

"We…" she whispered, shaking her head. Derek was watching her expectantly as her eyes clouded with panic and uncertainty. Her voice was faint, nearly nonexistent. "I have to go." And Meredith turned once more towards the door, taking off at a run towards her patient.

-----

_Okay, so…Derek found out. Finally. That was the most fun I've had this whole story. Seriously. The whole four in the morning thing I was talking about earlier? I would've gone to bed for any other chapter, but come on…Derek was finding out! Who needs sleep? Not me! So yes, thoughts…umm, starting with the Alex bit first. On the show, I adore the Mer and Alex friendship. I just love Alex. He's right up there, just beneath Mer/Der on my love list. So, I wanted a scene with Mer and Alex. And he has his own daddy issues, so that idea of Derek being upset with Mer at all over the baby instantly set him off. At the same time, he also feels strongly that the guy deserves to know. And I think Alex has a point. Derek does deserve to know. Still, he's very fond of Mer, so he wasn't going to go and "tell" on her. He just gave her his opinion, which proved to be helpful for her because so far, she's only had the opinions of other women. And while they wanted her to tell Derek too, they were easier to ignore because they weren't from a guy's perspective. Alex's words could apply directly to Derek, and they did…finally making her talk._

_And yes…Meredith and Derek. Umm…hi. They almost had sex. I didn't know how to put the two of them alone in a dark room in the middle of the night, in the middle of angst and tears and their baby, and not have something happen. I mean…it's Meredith and Derek after all. Mer doesn't know why she keeps crying over the whole baby thing, especially talking to Derek, but she does and bam…she just starts sobbing hysterically. And Derek, he actually steps up and comforts her…says the right things, gets her to stop with the hysteria. Because he's there. He's not storming out, he's not yelling, he's not bringing up his obligation to Addison, he's not even upset. He's making it all about Mer. He's not doing any of the things she had imagined him doing. And seriously? Derek? So just…amazed about the idea of Meredith having his baby. He's in awe of it. He's overwhelmed and still wrapping his head around things himself, but at the heart of it, he loves the idea of her having his baby. _

_After all that, one thing leads to another and their bodies can't not fall back together again. But Mer gets yanked out by her pager, and almost comes out of a daze to find herself barely dressed and thisclose sleeping with Derek. She's overwhelmed, freaked out, guilty all over again… And in the end, the one who ends up running out of that room isn't Derek at all. It's Meredith. (And that is going to be very important throughout the story…umm…thematically. I think that's how the English class people would describe it.)_

_Okay…I think I made up for the short pre-ramble with the mighty long post-ramble. I'm not sure if I'll update this one until after Christmas because I want to finish my Christmas one before Christmas for obvious reasons. But this one will probably have a new chapter the day after Christmas. (Boxing Day….woo! Does anyone even call it that anymore?) So yeah, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to all! Thanks for reading! _


	8. The Heart of It

_Hmm…the day after Christmas. I always feel kind of fat and lazy the day after Christmas due to too much eating and drinking the day before. Oh well, I had a good Christmas. Hopefully everyone else did too. I was very glad to hear that people enjoyed the last chapter. It was a pretty important chapter for the story (obviously because Derek found out), and so it was really great to hear that people liked how that scene played out. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!_

_Now, this chapter feels a little bit different. At least, it feels different to me. It spends a lot of time inside Meredith and Derek's heads because they're both reeling from what just happened between them. So I wanted to spend a lot of time just with their thoughts…I don't know, it feels different to me for some reason. Can't quite put my finger on it. Hopefully it's not a disaster, and you guys enjoy. So please, read away!_

-----

Meredith blinked up at the rain; not moving as the drops spilled across her face and painted the early morning all in gray. She was safe outside, far from the inquiring hallways of the hospital, but she felt cold and anxious. She couldn't go back inside. Her patient had died, and when all was said and done, she hadn't gone back. She had fled because…_Derek_. Meredith moaned distractedly, leaning forward to press her palms against the brick outer wall of the hospital, forcing herself to try and breathe normally. But she gasped and found herself inhaling the rain. It was everywhere--soaking through her scrubs and plastering her hair to her head. It didn't matter though. It wasn't the sort of thing she cared about right now. Honestly, it wasn't the sort of thing that even registered in her mind. Her mind was too busy spinning with painfully vivid memories; every touch of Derek's hands against her skin, every whispered word from his mouth to her ear. They were there whenever she closed her eyes, so she forced herself to stare wide-eyed down at the pavement.

Meredith didn't understand why she was hiding. She wanted to simplify it down into the fact that Derek was married, and that if she went back to him now, she would fall into his arms. He was married and she would know, and she wouldn't even care. That was true. Frighteningly so, actually. She knew it was true in a soul-searing, undeniable way. The way she felt right now, she wouldn't stop to talk. She wouldn't sit down and clarify anything with him. She would question nothing. She wouldn't even let him speak. She was built of a paper thin wall of resistance that would last all of five seconds. It would crumble and falter and give away before she could even lock the door. And then she would be pulling Derek towards her, wanting to feel him completely, and twist that into undeniable proof of how he would be there for her. Always there for her. _And that would be stupid_, Meredith told herself, her thoughts sounding like an angry hiss in her mind.

And so she had run, forgoing the warmth of the hospital to kneel in the gravel and the rain. She didn't trust herself around Derek right now, and she needed to be able to trust herself. She needed to, at the very least, be capable of rational thought. But everything that had happened in the on call room had robbed her of her defenses. Derek had been perfect…too perfect, in a way that felt unreal. The things he'd said were vividly faultless things that seemed to come straight out of her dreams. When he had first left her for Addison, every night had been like that. (Granted her dreams hadn't revolved around a baby then, but they had been swollen with the exact same words, the exact same needs that had left her powerless in the on call room.) Closing her eyes and letting her head meet the pillow had been a surefire way to send her mind spinning into Derek's arms. His hands had burnt imaginary trails down her skin. She had heard him whisper things inside her head that she knew weren't possibly real; promises as concrete as smoke. Even though she had been sleeping, she had known in a vague sort of way, that it was all a dream. In fact, it had been such an exquisite form of torture that she thought it was more the stuff of nightmares than dreams.

Only now, she was apparently living it. Her sudden defenselessness around Derek seemed reason enough to flee. (Although she wasn't so sure if it was a sudden onset of defenselessness, or if she had always been so unguarded…only needing him to act for her to bend and break her walls.) But Meredith knew even that wasn't the heart of why she was standing in the rain. She raised a hand, pushing her waterlogged bangs out of her eyes. The real reason was something she didn't want to analyze too closely because it wasn't something she was sure she could get past. It was something that was cold and dark and small; a single shard of glass embedded deep inside her mind. And it frightened her. Twenty four hours ago…even three hours ago really…she and Derek had been worlds apart. They had been separated by wedding rings and Addison, secrets and silent looks filled with things they couldn't say. But in that room, the world had turned over. None of the other stuff had even been worth mentioning. It had all just dissolved away with her tears, leaving nothing save each other. With three words, a line had shifted. Derek had acted as if she were everything, but she couldn't help feeling that the reason wasn't really her at all.

Meredith placed a hand against her stomach as she turned her face back to the rain again, wishing there were a way to wash away complications as easily as the rain washed away everything else. She wanted simplicity. She wanted Derek. And she wanted him to want her with the same pure intensity that drove her mind in circles. But the only way to be with him was to fight a war through a wall of complications. Her choices were simple; be a dirty mistress again or do her best to break up a marriage. Either that or be alone. Alone with her child…_their_ child. She had feared telling Derek would complicate his life painfully--she hadn't anticipated that the act of speaking the truth would set her mind reeling into confusion as well. Meredith shook her head fiercely, watching the rain fall, and blinking when the raindrops landed in her eyes, until finally a voice penetrated her thoughts.

"Meredith…?"

She turned to find Cristina standing beside her, protected from the rain by both a hood and an umbrella. The expression on her face was one Meredith didn't recognize, some sort of combination of shock and disbelief. She thought it might have something to do with the fact that she probably looked like a drowned rat…not exactly one of her typical looks. "What the hell are you doing out here?" Cristina asked, reaching down to yank Meredith to her feet and force her beneath the umbrella.

"Nothing," murmured Meredith.

"Right, nothing. You wanted to take a shower in the freezing rain? Jesus Mer, are you trying to kill yourself?" Her attention drifted down to the shaking hand that was still hovering over Meredith's stomach. "Are you okay?" she continued, her voice losing its edge and growing uncharacteristically gentle. "Is your baby…?"

Meredith shook her head. "Fine. We're fine."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Fine," repeated Meredith, her voice coming out empty and helpless.

"Okay, people who are fine do not kneel on the ground in the middle of a freaking downpour," snapped Cristina, reverting to her usual personality. She frowned at Meredith, trying to decipher the raw wild look in her friend's eyes. "You look like you escaped from psych," she muttered.

Meredith shrugged, and turned beneath the umbrella so that she was facing Cristina. There wasn't any point in lying. "I slept with Derek," she said numbly. Cristina's eyebrows shot straight up, and Meredith blinked absently before amending, "Well, almost slept with him."

"You _almost_ slept with him?" echoed Cristina incredulously. Her voice was vibrant and outraged compared to the tortured quiet of Meredith's speech. "As in you both decided that it was a bad idea just in time? Or did somebody catch you getting ready to do the McNasty? Oh…was it Satan? Is that why you're so freaking shell-shocked?"

Cristina herded her into a doorway and out of the rain, but Meredith simply shook her head, overwhelmed by both the sudden barrage of questions and the mention of Addison. "No, no, no and no," she murmured, referencing each inquiry in turn. "I, um…got paged."

"Well sex on call can be tricky," said Cristina, the corners of her mouth twitching up into a knowing smirk. Meredith just stared down at the sidewalk, her face hollow and expressionless. Cristina sighed and placed a hand on her arm. "Okay fine, what happened?" she prodded quietly. "Why the almost sex?"

"I told him I was pregnant."

"Finally," said Cristina with a tinge of exasperation, but as she spoke, a frown traveled across her face. "And what?" she continued. "He just jumps into your pants?"

Meredith shrugged, chewing nervously on her lip. "Well…we both jumped."

"You both jumped?"

"Yeah." Meredith nodded her head as she twirled a strand of her soaking hair around her finger. "We both jumped."

"Well, what did he say before the jumping?" asked Cristina, her voice growing sharp and extremely skeptical. "Was he happy? Is he leaving Addison?"

"I don't know," murmured Meredith. "He seemed…happy." She shrugged, and turned to look at Cristina. "We didn't really say much…does jumping imply leaving?"

Cristina narrowed her eyes. "Normally I'd say yes, but this is McBastard we're talking about, so really…anything goes."

"Cristina….he was being nice," protested Meredith weakly. She chewed anxiously on her lip, unsure of how to explain the influx of conflicting emotions that had caused her to seek shelter in the rain in the first place. "I don't know," she tried again. "He was being so…" Her voice trailed off and she shook her head.

"So what?"

Meredith made a face. "McDreamy…" she muttered. It was the closest she could get to the truth, and Cristina seemed to understand though it brought a sudden scowl to her face.

"Oh," she said quietly, her dark eyes flashing. Meredith started to nod, but the gesture was swallowed up by a compulsive shiver. She hunched her shoulders, pulling her soaking lab coat closer to her body. Cristina just frowned at her. "Okay seriously, I know you're Meredith and your natural state is somewhere between depressed and miserable, but what the hell was up with the trying to drown yourself in the rain thing? You just felt up for some hypothermia this morning?"

"Avoiding Derek," answered Meredith, her teeth chattering as she spoke. Cristina rolled her eyes before reaching in her tote--pulling out a sweater and thrusting it at Meredith. She smiled gratefully and peeled off her lab coat, replacing it with a warm layer of green fleece.

"Okay Mer…there are better ways to avoid someone." Meredith just shrugged, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her sweater. "And why were you avoiding Shepherd anyway? Aren't you supposed to be figuring out the sordid dirty mistress-McDreamy-secret baby-Satan triangle?"

"That's not a triangle."

"Shut up."

Meredith sighed, stepping out of the doorway to peer up at the finally lightening sky. "If I'd gone back we would've had actual sex instead of almost sex. Besides I was all…" she shrugged aimlessly. "Crazy…I mean seriously, with all the crying and the incoherency."

That earned Meredith a blank stare. "What?"

"Trust me…you don't want to know." She made a face, and ran her hands through her hair, trying to dry the damp strands. "Can we just blame it on the crazy pregnant lady hormones and be done with it?"

Cristina gave Meredith a long appraising look, her lips drawing into a thin line, before finally nodding her head. "Fine," she agreed. "But he's an ass if he doesn't leave Satan now. Actually no, I already think he's an ass. He'll be…" she hesitated, her brow knitting as if in a struggle to come up with just the right word. She heaved a frustrated sigh as she concluded, "He'll be unforgivable." Her statement was met with nothing but silence and the soft sound of Meredith scuffing the toe of her shoe against the rough edge of the pavement. "Mer?"

"He wasn't going to leave her yesterday," she muttered at last, her voice very quiet and thin. "Before I talked to him."

"Obviously Mer, you hadn't told him about the baby yet. Now he has to leave. I mean what, he's gonna live with Satan while you're pregnant with his kid? Ass. Unforgivableass."

Meredith glanced up, her usually kind green eyes sharpening with annoyance. "Well if he wasn't going to leave before, then what's the point?"

Cristina's face clouded in confusion. "What's the point? _Seriously_?"

"Cristina…" Her voice was as ripe with annoyance as her eyes, prompting Cristina to answer in the same vein.

"Meredith…"

The two women stared at each other, both seemingly at a loss for words. Their silence forced the air to take on a strange sharp edge that didn't fade when Meredith finally shook her head. "Never mind," she muttered darkly, gesturing down at her waterlogged scrubs. "I have to go change anyway." And without another word, Meredith was walking away. She couldn't quite fathom why Cristina, of all people, didn't seem to understand what would be wrong with Derek suddenly leaving Addison because of the baby. And her own failure to grasp, let alone articulate, what it was about that possibility that left her heart so aching and angry was only making things worse.

She wanted Derek. Beyond all doubt, she wanted him. Every inch of her that had been touched by Derek felt painfully alive. It was as if he were imprinted in her flesh, and that was something that she wanted to savor and never forget. Derek returning to her was at the heart of her dreams, and yet the thought that that could suddenly become reality was leaving her with an unexplainable bitter taste in her mouth. She felt at war with herself--raw and shredded from her very center.

Only she couldn't comprehend why.

-----

Derek pushed open the door to the roof, stepping out into the misty air. The yellow of the helicopter landing strips stood out bold against the gray world, but, aside from them, the top of the hospital was completely bare. He took a deep breath and ran a nervous hand through his hair--his fingers trembling in the midst of what was normally a natural even gesture. But it wasn't a surprise that his hand felt shaky. He felt as if his legs wavered with every step, and so Derek forced himself to stop pacing. Instead, he slid down to rest against the closed door, his body fitting easily into a low crouch.

He had waited for her.

For nearly two hours, he had waited in that small room crowded with his thoughts. There had barely been enough room to breathe in there, let alone deal with the realization that she wasn't coming back. He didn't know what that meant; if she was still busy with her patient, or if she simply wanted to get away from him. Derek didn't know. He had finally left the room to look, but he hadn't found her anywhere, and he just didn't know. All he knew was that he had to cut into a man's brain in a half an hour and he couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't concentrate. Well actually, that wasn't completely true. He could concentrate with almost painful clarity, but all he could think about was Meredith.

He was going to have a child. She was having his child. Meredith, not Addison. Derek felt as if a thousand jumbled puzzle pieces had been hurtled towards him at breakneck speed, leaving his mind to struggle with the task of fitting the clues of the past weeks into something coherent. It was a mess that he was sure he was failing to comprehend completely, but the heart of it…that he understood. The heart of it was Meredith. The mother of his child…_mother…father… _He was going to be a father. The words still felt strange, even inside his own head.

But then, everything felt strange now. Staring down from the rooftop, it was almost as if he didn't recognize the city he'd lived in for months. Everything was shifting. Around Meredith, he had felt in control--okay with everything…thrilled even. His fears had lain down before hers. But now, without her near, Derek was moving with undeniable certainty towards something much more overwhelmed. Meredith was pregnant, and he had just cheated on his wife. And he didn't know what that meant. He wanted to feel remorse, guilt…something besides the desire to finish what they had started. But amidst all the confusion, the heavy longing to take Meredith in his arms again was a constant. Meredith and the life buried deep inside of her…that was the only other constant. The baby. Children had been furthest from Derek's mind, but as soon as Meredith had spoken, the idea had taken root within him with a strength that was frightening.

Derek shoved himself back onto his feet, and instantly resumed pacing. His blue eyes had clouded and darkened, growing as stormy as the unsettled sky. As far as he could tell, he had to choose again. It was as if he were rewinding time, once again forced to contemplate the scale that balanced his wife of eleven years, their wedding rings, their vows and their history against his girlfriend of a few months. Against Meredith; the woman he was supposed to forget, but couldn't quite. Only now, the woman he'd forced himself to severe ties with suddenly produced what seemed to amount to an unbreakable bond. And Derek swore he felt that precariously balanced scale begin to shift.

A glance down at his watch had him groaning, and hurrying back down from the roof to see his patient briefly before surgery. He did his best to force the image of Meredith and her tear streaked face from his mind, and to think of nothing save medicine. And for awhile, he was successful. But by the time Derek left the OR several hours later, he couldn't forget anymore. He needed to see her. The desire to see her had swollen from simply insistent to utterly overpowering.

And so Derek was pacing back and forth outside an on call room, waiting for her to answer his page. He couldn't bring himself to wait inside--that felt too passive and he needed to do something. Wearing the floor of the hallway thin seemed like an acceptable option, despite the odd looks he earned from passing nurses. Some distant part of his mind, that was still logical and focused on something besides Meredith, was aware of how strange he looked. His steps were bold and tormented, his blue eyes grown nearly black, and his jaw tense and rigid. But Derek was too caught up in why Meredith had left in the first place, and why she was taking so long to answer now to really care.

It wasn't until he physically crashed into another person that he actually stopped pacing.

"Watch it," came an angry voice, nearly growling at him, and Derek found himself looking down into the scowling face of Cristina Yang. Her black curly hair was doing its best to escape from the messy bun she'd thrown it into, and her dark eyes were sparking with a light that reminded him of Meredith. She was Meredith's best friend after all, and that thought alone had him taking her by the arm and leading her into the empty on call room. "Don't touch me," she spat out indignantly, yanking her arm back from him as soon as the door had closed. "I'm Meredith's friend, not Meredith." Her voice was harsh and filled with as many emotions as seemed to be swirling wildly within Derek's own head.

"Sorry," he muttered, taken aback by her manner. He knew her to be brisk and blunt, but she was radiating a barely restrained fury that almost had him regretting his sudden decision to shut himself in a room alone with her. Still, she seemed like his current best shot. "I was just…I wanted to ask you…"

"About Meredith?" she asked, cutting him off.

Derek nodded. "Yeah…" He looked up hopefully at her, only to find her gaze as sharp and cutting as always.

"Fine," she said icily. "But you want to drag me into an on call room and ask me about Meredith? Then you're not my boss. While we're in here, you're not my boss. Understood?" Derek nodded again, prompting Cristina to sit down on the bed opposite him. He waited for her to continue speaking, but she simply glared at him expectantly.

"You know about…" he began tentatively. Derek was sure she had to know about the baby. If Meredith had told anyone, it would be Cristina. Still, he wasn't sure, and he found his voice coming out cautious and uncertain. "I mean, she told you…"

Cristina just scoffed. "Of course she told me." A small smirk played across her face as she added, "Way before she told you."

"Way before," echoed Derek. "Way before? How long has she known?" He wanted to think that Meredith had come to him instantly, but he could tell by the look in Cristina's eyes that that was far from the truth.

"Ask her yourself," answered Cristina tersely. Derek just let out a heavy sigh, his head falling down to rest in his hands. That motion seemed to affect her because she continued speaking, her voice growing noticeably softer. "She's not stupid…she figured it out awhile ago."

He knew he had no right at all to be angry about that, and so he ignored the automatic clench it created in his gut. Instead, he simply nodded, his chin bumping roughly against his palm. "Where is she?" he continued, his voice low and strained. "I need to talk to her."

"No idea," answered Cristina. "I think she went home already." She smiled blankly at him, her expression clearly stating that she refused to help him find her.

"But I need to talk to her," insisted Derek, trying to calm his own frustrations. His voice was vaguely needy, and it set Cristina's eyes flashing angrily at him again.

'Yeah well, you are not who she needs to talk to now."

"What?" he sputtered disbelievingly. "We need to talk. How could she possibly think we don't need to talk about this?"

Cristina glowered at him. "Don't be stupid," she said thickly. "She obviously _needs_ to talk to you, just not now." She rolled her eyes, looking suddenly as frustrated as Derek. "Meredith's a mess. Give her space."

"She's not a mess," he answered indignantly, prompting Cristina to laugh. It was a short bitter sound, almost grating to listen to.

"Seriously? Not a mess? Please, she has more issues than the rest of us put together--most of them thanks to you."

Derek balked at her. "I didn't…" he began weakly, but Cristina was once again cutting him off.

"Aside from the whole mother who doesn't remember her thing, there's the boyfriend who lied to her." She looked pointedly at Derek. "That would be you."

"I didn't lie to her…"

"You know that ring you're always wearing?" she asked, nearly sneering at him. "I know it's hard to remember, but it means you're married. And there's no way not telling her was anything other than a lie." Derek sighed heavily, the shadows in his eyes growing more pronounced. He knew that Meredith had protective friends, but the sheer volume of anger in Cristina's voice outweighed anything Meredith had ever directed at him. It left Derek feeling defenseless, standing there with his mouth hanging open, struggling to think of a reply. But before he could string two words together, Cristina was speaking again. "And now she's going to go ahead and ruin her career with a baby. And if you think she's keeping it for any reason other than the fact that it's yours, you're even stupider than I thought."

Derek felt as if the ground were dropping out from beneath his feet, leaving him perched in nothingness, and unsure of how to move or speak. He wanted to think that Meredith was fine, but he couldn't comprehend why Cristina would be looking at him as if she actually might hate him if Meredith were perfectly fine. It left him feeling sick to his stomach, and he nodded his head, letting it once again fall down to rest in his hands. "I want to help her," he said in a strained quiet voice, almost a whisper. At first he thought Cristina hadn't heard him because she simply stood up and walked towards the door. But she paused before pulling it open, turning back to fix her dark eyes on him.

"Than try putting her first for once."

Her words weren't exactly angry, but they were heavy and frustrated, and she didn't wait for his reply. She simply walked out of the on call room, leaving Derek alone to try and find some answer hidden in the floor he was staring blankly down at.

-----

_So yeah, Meredith and Derek have a lot to deal with. My thoughts…starting with Derek. (Yeah, reverse order of the story, but isn't it exciting to switch it up like that? Heh.) Derek was wonderfully calm when he was with Meredith and she was crying and just generally freaking out. He hadn't begun to deal with the fact that she was pregnant outside of the realm of taking care of her and reassuring her, because she was so visibly upset that his own thoughts just became unimportant in the moment. Only now, she runs off on him and doesn't come back. So he waits, and slowly finds himself getting hit with everything he hadn't thought about when he was with Meredith--he's having a kid, he just cheated on his wife, is he going to have to choose between Meredith and Addison again, etc…etc… And to make matters worse, he can't find the one person he really would like to talk about things with because she's avoiding him, and so he decides to make do with her best friend. Only Cristina? She has serious Derek issues. She had just spent her morning dealing with the whole Mer in the rain, trying to pull herself together post-Derek situation, which really didn't improve her opinion of Derek at all. This simply escalates when he basically accosts her about Mer. And so Derek gets to deal with bitter angry Cristina who is fiercely protective of her friend, and who seizes the opportunity to tell him things and speak to him in a way that Meredith would never do herself. And she ends up overwhelming Derek because, even though he'd very much like to deny/argue about what she's saying, he can't. Because she isn't saying anything that's not true. _

_As for Mer…she's very much in shock and freaking out. She wants to be rational and talk to Derek, but the way she's feeling, she knows it's just not possible. And so she avoids him by going out into the rain to try and pull herself together. Only, just as Derek is suddenly filled with a thousand thoughts, so is she. And she wasn't expecting this at all. She doesn't know what to assume the fact that they almost slept together means, and the fact that all of this seems to be happening simply because she said she was pregnant is bothering her. And she doesn't get why it bothers her, because she wants Derek so badly…but she wants Derek to want her for who she is, not just because she happens to be having her kid. So she's got a lot of conflicting emotions, none of which she can really deal with yet. _

_And there is a huge difference between the way Cristina is with Meredith and the way she is with Derek. But that should be fairly self-explanatory. One of them is her person, and the other is the one responsible for the majority of her person's problems. So yeah, big rift there._

_That's about it. The next chapter is going to feature the resolution to the unfinished (really barely started) Meredith and Derek conversation. Should be fun! Thanks so much for reading, and please review! _


	9. A Wall Between Us

_Okay, time for another update. (Insert obligatory ramblings about just how much I love winter break here.) So yeah, last chapter was rather filled with angst and sadness. I was very glad to hear people enjoyed the time spent with Mer and Der's thoughts. Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. I was looking over my (admittedly messy) outline for this story, and I'd say this chapter puts us at roughly the halfway point. So woo! Also, this chapter is really rather long. L-O-N-G. It's only one scene, but it's a long scene. You know, because Mer and Der finally get to finish their whole conversation, and they have a lot to say. So, I'm sorry about the excessive length. I tried to keep it somewhere within the realm of reasonable lengths--sorry if this is pushing it. Anyway, enjoy! _

-----  
_Another soldier says he's not afraid to die  
Well I am scared_  
-----

Meredith had spent the night wide awake, staring into the darkness, trying to come to some sort of conclusion about how she felt. It was an odd feeling, to search her own soul, to measure her own strength…and to try to do so objectively. She wasn't used to such careful self scrutiny, and it left her feeling raw and naked in a way she wasn't used to, and didn't particularly like. Still, the endless hours of thought eventually got her away from the mess she had been in the rain, helping her make up her mind. It served to bring her back to some semblance of herself, at least a version of Meredith that could still function. However, she was filled with a cold heavy feeling--hating and dreading what she had decided. That morning she found herself eternally grateful for the eighty hour work limit, and the small benefit it granted her of arriving at the hospital late and missing rounds.

She desperately wanted to avoid the awkwardness of first seeing Derek in a room full of people, of having that moment polluted by the presence of patients and Bailey and her own friends. He had called her the night before, and, with a trembling hand, she had simply silenced the ringer. They needed to talk. Meredith knew that, just as she knew they deserved privacy, a moment away from the rest of the hospital to say what needed to be said. Still, Meredith couldn't bring herself to go find Derek. And when her pager went off after just an hour at work, summoning her to Derek's office, it filled her with a cold dread that left her pale and close to shaking.

Still, Meredith made her way towards his office, only dragging her feet slightly. It was a dimly lit, windowless space, completely the opposite of the glass office of the Chief. Back when they had first started dating, Meredith had loved Derek's office. It was completely private, far more secluded than the on call rooms. It had been their favorite place to steal away to for sneaking in extra moments together on slower afternoons. She hadn't been in his office since they had broken up, and her last memory of that place involved her pressed up against the closed door--Derek's hands tangled in her hair and skimming beneath her scrubs as they kissed lazily. She found herself hesitating as she neared the small room, doing her best to force her old memories from her mind. This time, the door wasn't closed. It rested ajar, and she knocked softly on it before pushing it open.

Derek was seated in the large reclining chair behind the desk, his head falling forward to rest in his hands. However, as soon as Meredith entered the room, he looked up. He was unshaven, the dark layer of stubble emphasizing the heavy shadows beneath his eyes. He looked exhausted, his hair more messy than usual, and with a well of worry evident in the blue of his eyes.

"Hey," he said quietly, standing up and moving around from behind the desk.

Meredith just nodded, closing the door before answering. "Hey…"

"You came," he continued, a clear note of relief evident in his voice. She nodded again, glancing up to meet Derek's eyes, a shy uncertain smile flickering across her face. They stared at each other from opposite ends of the small room, as if both afraid to speak first. Neither moved until Derek finally cleared his throat. "I wasn't sure if you would…" he continued with a shrug. "You never came back yesterday." Meredith shifted uncomfortably, but nodded her head again. "I paged you, and I tried calling you too. You just disappeared." His words were more wounded than angry, with a sadness to them that was unusual.

"I know. I'm sorry," began Meredith, licking her lips as she eyed him cautiously. "It's just…" she gestured aimlessly, shaking her head. "I was a wreck Derek. I needed to think. I mean, we had sex." She hissed the words, her eyes widening as if she still couldn't quite believe what had happened in the on call room

Derek grinned, shaking his head. "Actually, we didn't technically have sex. We…"

His amusement just irritated her, causing her to cut him off abruptly. "Fine," she continued. "We almost had sex. _Technically_. Whatever…" She trailed off, frowning down at the floor.

"Mer, it's just…"

Her head snapped back up immediately. "Look, I was freaking out. Seriously. Freaking. Out. Ask Cristina if you don't believe me." She folded her arms protectively in front of her, her posture turning completely defensive. "I'm sorry, now can we please just drop it already?" The memory of gasping and struggling not to cry in the pouring rain was not exactly comforting, and she wanted nothing more than to forget about it in its entirety. Derek seemed to pick up on her obvious discomfort, because he nodded his head.

"Sure," he said, his voice low and soothing. "We can drop it."

"Thanks…" Meredith's voice was a grateful whisper, and as it faded away, they once again fell into silence. She resumed studying the dark patterns woven in the carpeting, trying to ignore the feel of Derek's eyes boring into her. It was a constant unnerving pressure, making her skin tingle, and the silence feel as if it were stretching and spiraling on for ever. But finally, his voice once again broke through the hushed room.

"So…"

She turned to look at him, nodding slightly, almost imperceptibly. "So…" she echoed quietly.

"So you're pregnant," he continued, awe filling his voice as surely as it had the night before.

"Yeah. I am." Meredith looked awkwardly up at Derek, watching as his face split into a wide delighted grin, his gaze slowly trailing over the length of her body.

"You're really pregnant," he repeated, and Meredith just nodded again, a confused frown traveling across her own face. "And you're okay, right?" continued Derek, his smile lessening slightly to be replaced by a look of concern. He stepped closer to her, head cocked to the side, and lips pursed. "Do you need to sit down, or eat…or anything?"

Meredith just shook her head, smiling at the sudden, unnecessary anxiety in the man who was usually nothing but a calm and collected doctor. "No. I'm good Derek."

"Okay," he agreed. A combination of relief and embarrassment filled his voice, coaxing an even brighter smile from Meredith. With a sheepish grin, he continued in the same vein. "So you're okay? The baby's okay? Everything's fine?" Meredith sunk down into the small couch wedged into Derek's office. It was crowded with messy stacks of paperwork and a spare lab coat, leaving not much room to sit. Still, it was warm and comfortable, and reminded her of him. Meredith curled up into the remaining empty space, her eyes growing quiet and thoughtful as she nodded.

"I assume so," she said slowly. "God, I hope so." She reached down, fidgeting with her watchband in an unthinking nervous gesture, her voice suddenly anxious. "I have my first doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"First?" echoed Derek, his eyes widening in surprise. "You've got to be what? Over two months pregnant…and you still haven't seen a doctor?"

Meredith just shrugged. "No…" She glanced down at her hands, but Derek was still staring at her incredulously, nearly demanding further explanation. "I was…it's…" She tensed slightly, once again shrugging her shoulders. "It's complicated Derek. And when I found out, I was scared." Meredith shook her head sharply, her eyes beginning to mist over. She turned away from Derek to stare at the wall, her voice growing incredibly tentative. "I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't know what I was going to do." Somehow her earlier uncertainty came slipping out. It was more than she'd thought she would admit to him. She wanted to keep her eyes trained on her hands, to simply ignore him in favor of playing with her watchband like some reluctant, petulant child. But things couldn't be that way between them. She knew that, and so she forced herself to look back up at Derek, instinctively searching his eyes for any trace of anger or accusation.

Only she found nothing there. Just concern. "Okay Mer," he said gently, their eyes ones again locking. In that moment of silence, the atmosphere of the room changed, and they began to circle closer and closer to the heart of what they needed to talk about. Meredith shivered, her stomach clenching uneasily, filling her with an old familiar desire to avoid for as long as possible.

"Besides, I'm an intern," she continued with an awkward laugh, pulling away from Derek slightly as the sound of her voice shattered the silence. She was speaking quickly, nervously. "I mean seriously, it's impossible to get an appointment with my schedule. I'm going to be using my only day off in the past two weeks to sit for hours and hours in a waiting room."

Derek frowned at her, looking genuinely puzzled. "You don't have to wait. Just go up to OB/GYN when you have a spare minute, and corner one of the doctors. You work here." Meredith shifted uneasily, her hand drifting from her watch to fidget with a loose strand of hair. He misinterpreted her expression, saying, "Or I'll corner one of them for you, if you want." He grinned at her, his blue eyes warm and happy, but Meredith shook her head.

"Umm, my doctor… I'm going to Mercy West, Derek."

"Wait…you're going all the way over there? Why?" Meredith just shrugged and looked away. "You can get everything you'd need here. No waiting, totally free," he continued helpfully. Derek tilted his head to the side, smiling at her, seeming more than a little bit proud of his suggestion.

"No." Her voice sounded strained--very thin and tense. "People talk here. All the time. And, they love to talk about me Derek." Meredith smiled wryly, shaking her head. "They'll find out soon enough…once I start looking like a walrus." She stifled a groan at the thought of what things would be like then.

"Meredith," interjected Derek. "Nobody's going to talk about you." His voice was full of wishful certainty, but she just scoffed.

"Seriously Derek? The pregnant dirty ex-mistress? _Seriously_?" Her eyes flashed an intense glowing green, filled with an irritated light, and Derek found himself rendered speechless. She was right. As much as he wanted to pretend they didn't, people talked about her. It was largely his fault that they did. Actually, he figured it was almost entirely his fault, and so he gave in and nodded his head. Meredith sighed heavily, her voice losing its edge and simply growing sad. "Besides, your wife works up there nearly all the time." Her words were followed with an anxious laugh, and she lowered her head down to rest against her knees, turning her face away from Derek. "And I really don't need her to know I'm the pregnant dirty ex-mistress right now."

Even with the back of her head to him, Meredith could sense the sudden dejection she inflicted with her words. It settled heavily around Derek; a strange sort of cloak that caused his shoulders to slump forward. He raised a hand, pinching the bridge of his nose before running his fingers back through his hair. That served to make the messy strands even wilder, framing his tired eyes in a web of black. He took a slow deep breath, the sound more akin to a heavy sigh than anything else. "Meredith, about Addison…" he began, his voice soft and low. Meredith simply closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly shut, knowing that she couldn't pull away anymore. They had finally come to the core of what they needed to discuss.

"Mmm…" she managed, forcing the sound out past sealed lips.

She heard Derek stir, and rise from where he had been leaning against the edge of his desk. He crossed the small office, dumping his paperwork unceremoniously onto the floor to sit down next to Meredith. She tensed when she felt the couch shift beneath his weight, and kept her eyes deliberately closed.

"I've decided," he continued, his voice dropping to a quiet hush that accentuated the shaky sounds of their breathing. "I'm going to ask Addison for a divorce. Tonight, Mer. She won't say no." He paused, shaking his head, seeming to speak more to himself than Meredith for a moment, saying, "She can't refuse. Not if I tell her you're pregnant…she'll understand." He glanced over at Meredith, but she was still curled into a tight ball, her face turned away from him. "Mer," he said cautiously, reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder. The feel of his skin on hers caused her breath to draw past her teeth in a sharp hiss, and she had to fight the urge to shiver and just give in to his touch. "It'll be alright." Derek's voice was filled with a bottomless confidence that caused a tear to slip past her defenses. It trailed silently down her cheek, staining her scrubs. "Then we can be together for the baby."

Meredith felt cold, numb even. She was biting the inside of her lips so hard that she thought she could taste blood, and yet she felt nothing. Everything was just empty, filled with the cold dread she had found in the middle of the night. She had almost wished for the other response, a curt, "I'm sorry you're pregnant, but I love my wife." It would be heartbreaking, but at least then she could leave. The conversation would be done. Things would be simple. They would be painful and hard, but they would be simple. And far less hard than this.

"Meredith?"

The sound of Derek calling her name nudged her from her thoughts, and Meredith stirred against her will, lifting her head. His voice was kind, filled with gentle concern. She took a long rattling breath, the sound of it sounding haunted as it filled the room. Meredith gave an imperceptible shake of her head, squeezing her eyes shut with the effort of summoning every ounce of willpower she possessed.

"No." The word was quiet and heavy, and was followed by a long silence.

"No?" echoed Derek at last, his confusion painfully evident. "No…what?"

Meredith shook her head again, her nails digging tiny half-moons into the palms of her hands. "No," she repeated. Her words tumbled out in a thin and anxious rush. "You shouldn't leave Addison. Not like that." Derek didn't answer, and in the second long silence that followed, Meredith forced herself to open her eyes. Slowly, she turned her head towards him…slowly. The motion seemed endless, achingly labored, dragging on as long as the silence that had preceded it, until finally, their eyes locked. Derek's eyes had turned deep navy, darkened by disbelief. His mouth was hanging open slightly--his expression utterly lost and bewildered. And so, Meredith forced herself to keep going, to keep speaking. "You shouldn't…you shouldn't end things just for the baby. You can be there for it without…" She paused and cleared her throat, glancing up at the ceiling and blinking rapidly before returning her attention to Derek. "You don't need to leave her in order to be there for the baby. I would never keep you from your child." Her voice broke, and she stopped speaking to draw in another long and shaky breath. Derek was staring wordlessly at her, his eyes as intense as ever, and Meredith found she couldn't continue meeting them. It hurt too much. And so she turned her attention away, training it on the bare wall.

"Meredith, I…" began Derek. His voice was tight and constricted, as if struggling to control his emotions and produce something resembling a normal pitch.

Meredith just shook her head frantically. She pushed herself to her feet, walking away from the couch and towards the door. "No," she interrupted. "No…let me say this while I can." Her eyes drifted from the smooth surface of the wall, down to a pair of shoes resting in a corner of the room, to an old stack of medical journals, to anything other than the man sitting behind her. "I don't want you to come back because you feel obligated to. Because of the I'm pregnant thing." Her voice started to tremble again, and she took a deep gulp of air, her mind arguing with her body to stay calm. "I don't…" She quavered slightly, finally giving up and speaking through clenched teeth. The sound was sharp and pained, and she wasn't quite sure how she found the strength to keep speaking. "Derek, I don't want us to be together just because it seems like it would be the right thing to do."

The springs of the couch squeaked uneasily as Derek stood up and walked across the small office towards her. He reached out as if to touch her, but seemed to thing better of it, letting his arm drop back to hang limply at his side. "Meredith," he said, his voice low and earnest. "Mer, that's not it. I want to be with you." He smiled sadly, shaking his head. "I've always wanted to be with you. I just…I had to try and save my marriage. I owed Addison that much. But, I've always wanted you." He reached his hand out again, and this time it didn't waver and give up halfway. His fingers found her shoulder, skimming gently down the length of her arm. It was a soft faint touch, but it sent a shockwave through Meredith's body. "And now, you're having a baby," he continued quietly, his voice pleading with her to turn back around. "I should be with you and our baby."

And Meredith finally did turn around, but when she looked up at him, her eyes were aching and wounded. The usually clear pale green had grown stormy, and was glistening beneath a layer of unspilt tears. Her lips trembled before she even began speaking. "Derek, you can't make a decision like this in a day." She brushed a hand roughly against her cheek, shaking her head. "You're just reacting to what I've said. You're not… You're not…" She tried twice to finish her sentence, but she faltered on each attempt. Finally Meredith closed her eyes, turning her face from Derek, and simply rushed the words out before her heart could make her stop. "You're not thinking about what you'd be giving up if you left."

"But Mer, you're all I want." He tilted his head towards her, stepping closer, but Meredith shied away.

"I'm not all you want," she blurted out. Her voice was blunt despite its broken tone, and it built up a wall between them. "I wasn't enough for you Derek," she continued quietly, her voice shuddering. Meredith felt as if she were splintering from within, and she wanted nothing more than to just go ahead and believe him blindly. She wanted to fall back into his arms and leave it at that. But she had sworn to herself in the middle of the night that she wouldn't…not until she could believe him without the whispering doubts that still plagued the back of her mind. And so she swallowed the lump in her throat, and once again forced herself to speak. "I gave you everything I had. I gave you my whole heart, Derek. And it wasn't enough." Derek groaned, the sound coming out low and distressed, and it forced Meredith to once again look up into his eyes. They looked as raw as hers; a perfect mirror save for the change in color. Meredith pulled her arms tight around herself, hating the pain she saw. Seeing Derek in pain hurt her more than the first time she'd watched him leave work arm in arm with Addison. She broke away from his gaze, searching desperately for a way to make him understand her doubts.

"You wanted to save your marriage," she continued, her voice quiet and reluctant. "I understand why. Seriously, I get it. I mean, I hated it…" Meredith sounded rueful, and a sad flicker of a smile flashed across her face. "But I respect it. It was a big decision. You told me yourself it wasn't the sort of thing you could decide in a day." She shrugged, chancing a glance at Derek before quickly looking away again. "This is just as big Derek. All of a sudden I'm enough to give up your marriage for…when I wasn't before?"

Derek shook his head fiercely. "Of course you're enough. You're having my baby, and you're…_you_." His voice was a thousand strands of emotion woven together---disbelief and frustration, confusion and pain. "How is it not enough Meredith?"

"How?" she echoed quietly. Unconsciously, her hand reached down to press against her stomach. She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply, and when she opened them again, her voice had changed. It was no longer faint and wavering, but filled with a stronger edge. "My family fell apart when I was five Derek. _Five_. When you're five, your family is your world." She hadn't wanted to bring her broken family into this. She hated looking into the past, but it was at the crux of what was bothering her. And somehow, it was far easier to say than all the rest. "I'm not going to let that happen again." Meredith pushed her bangs back out of her eyes, finally fixing her attention on Derek and holding his gaze. "I mean what…you're supposed to get a divorce and then everything just returns to normal? Like nothing ever happened? It doesn't work that way. This is real life, not a fairytale." Derek shook his head, running a hand through his own hair. He had simply been standing there, watching Meredith wordlessly, his eyes wide and conflicted as he listened to her. But now, he turned away. His frozen posture swung dramatically towards motion, and he began to pace back and forth in the small office. "We can't just play at happy," continued Meredith, her voice growing quiet. "And then a few years later you realize…" She trailed off, her speech once again turning shaky as she returned from her past to their present. "You realize you were just with me because it seemed like the right thing, and everything falls apart…because it won't just be for us this time." Meredith drew in a long uneven breath. She felt too exhausted to keep forcing herself to speak; it was a constant struggle to argue against every thing her body was screaming for.

The sudden stretch of silence pulled Derek from his pacing, and he turned around, his eyes steely as he stared at Meredith. "The right thing? Playing at happy? You think that's all this is to me?" He nearly spat her words back at her, his own pain coming out as something defensive and incensed. His hand clenched into a fist, slamming with a sick thud against the cold metal of a filing cabinet. The sound echoed loudly throughout the small room, and Meredith stepped back instinctively, her eyes wary as she watched him.

Derek didn't move for a long moment--his body caught in a wave of tension and anger that he was trying desperately not to direct at Meredith. He took an aching heavy breath, pinching the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb. Finally, he gained control of whatever had been gnawing at him, and he turned back towards Meredith. Only now his eyes were brimming with the tears he was holding back, and when Derek spoke, his voice broke in two. "Jesus Meredith, last night meant nothing to you?"

Meredith shook her head, and moved without thinking. She could comprehend nothing save for Derek's pain, and her own inability to keep herself from him any longer. Crossing the room in quick steps, she pressed her hands against his chest. "No," she whispered, bowing her head as she spoke. "That's not true." Her hands were racing up and over the curve of his shoulders, pulling him closer to her as she rested her head against his chest. "I love you as much as I always have." She was biting her lip in an effort to keep from crying, but the struggle was futile. Tears rolled in two silent trains down from her eyes, and though her voice didn't break, she felt as if her heart would.

"But Meredith," said Derek, bending his own head forward to press his lips against the top of her head. "I love…"

She jerked out from beneath him as if his words burned her. Her hand flew up to his mouth, fingers pressing against his lips, silencing him before he could finish speaking. "Don't…" Meredith's voice was a whisper, but her words filled Derek as clearly as if she had screamed at him. "Don't say it," she continued, shaking her head slightly. "I want to be able to believe you when you say it. To believe you _completely_."

"Meredith, please…" The sound was both rough and raw--stripped of everything he thought and imagined himself to be, leaving only what was purely him. "I do."

Derek's voice trembled in a way she never would have imagined possible, and Meredith thought she saw the tears that had been threatening him start to fall. But before she could be certain, her head was dipping back as Derek's lips found hers. Meredith moaned against him, and their hands clasped, clinging desperately to each other. Their lips moved with a painful slowness--their tongues searching out and savoring every corner of each others' mouths. It was as if their bodies were struggling to stretch out the kiss for as long as possible; to simply linger there joined together into infinity. But finally they broke apart, and Meredith shuffled back, uncertainty looming once again in her eyes.

"We can't do this," she whispered. "We can't."

Derek's lips twisted into a strangled semblance of a smile, as if to say okay, he wouldn't force her. It was a pained expression though, as ragged as his voice. "Why can't you believe me Mer?"

Meredith shook her head, her small shoulders shrugging helplessly. "I want to," she said. Her voice was filled with yearning, as if she were pleading with herself to find a way to just give in. "It's just…too much. Or too soon. Or something Derek. All I know is…" She trailed off, biting her lip.

He finished the sentence for her. "Is that you can't." Meredith nodded weakly. Derek sighed and raised his hand, caressing her cheek before moving to trail slowly, lovingly down the loose lengths of her wavy hair. "Okay. Tell me what you need me to do."

She nodded again, the curve of her cheek fitting into the palm of her hand. Her lips were back to trembling, and Meredith found that she once again had to close her eyes to speak. "Try and save your marriage," she said in a small voice. "Find out for certain where your heart is." She lifted her own hand to his cheek, her fingers soft against the rough stubble. "I want you to be sure." Her speech began to quicken, turning into a long ramble of information in an attempt to push the burnt and throbbing core of what she was asking as far away as possible. "It's still a few months until I'll be big enough for anyone to notice. And even longer until the baby's born. Nobody will even know." She shrugged, attempting a cheerful smile, but falling far short. It felt as if she were somehow stabbing herself with her own words. "You have plenty of time to make sure," she continued determinedly. "I mean, to try and stuff Derek. You know? Just like you would be doing if I hadn't told you."

Derek nearly growled in frustration, his hand falling away from her hair. "Then why _did_ you tell me Meredith?" The change in his demeanor was instant, his eyes glinting with mingled irritation and anger as his voice rose slightly. "If you wanted me to just forget about it, why even tell me?"

Meredith looked taken aback. "I thought you deserved to know," she answered indignantly, her voice rising to match his as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I thought you would _want _to know."

He moved his head as if to nod in agreement, but ended up shaking it instead. When he spoke his voice sounded strained close to shouting. "But you're asking the impossible Meredith. I'm just supposed to pretend there's no baby? I'm just supposed to pretend I don't know? That's impossible!" Meredith recoiled from the anger directed at her, her whole body tensing up as she glared at him.

"Funny. You sure pretended you weren't married well enough to fool me." She spat out her words without thinking--her voice cold, and cutting through the friction between them as quickly as if she had slapped him. Derek took a staggering step back from her, his mouth dropping open to gape wordlessly at her. Meredith found herself regretting what she had said as soon as she looked up into his eyes, and saw the slow tortured devastation threaded there through the piercing indigo. His face fell, and she rushed to undo the hurt she had caused him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, closing the gap and pressing her hand against his chest. "I didn't mean that," she soothed. She shook her head, her fingers tracing over the embroidered name on the pocket of his lab coat. "I'm over the whole Addison thing now." Her words were kind and earnest, but they were empty. And neither of them were good enough liars to call her statement true.

"No you're not," said Derek hollowly. There was a resignation to his words that hadn't existed before. "If you were over it, you could believe me." Meredith looked away, staring down at the floor. She found herself hating what she had started, and hating herself for hurting him, despite the fact that he had betrayed her first. But Derek seemed to finally understand because he kept speaking, his voice filling with absolute comprehension. "You wouldn't doubt me."

Meredith just kept staring fixedly at her feet, unable to move until Derek's hand once again reached out. His fingers fitted easily beneath her chin, coaxing her to meet his gaze. For the first time since they had started this, Derek's eyes weren't filled with anger or betrayal or disbelief. They were simply brimming with a quiet sadness and the understanding Meredith had been searching for. She heard a voice speaking that sounded curiously like her own. "I wouldn't doubt you."

"But you do." It was no longer a question.

Meredith nodded, her eyes as sad as his. "I do."

"Okay," answered Derek. Her two words had decided everything--cementing his decision. "I'll do it Meredith." He spoke in a broken rush, and pulled her close to him, pressing his lips to her forehead. "But if you need _anything_, you promise you will come to me?" he said, his voice fiercely earnest against her ear. Meredith could only bring herself to nod. "Then I'll do what you asked."

Derek's words sent them pulling apart from each other. Meredith nodded her head again, the motion quickly growing to feel meaningless. "You'll try," she whispered, backing away towards the door. "Until you know for sure."

Their eyes locked in one last, painful instant. "I'll try."

She pushed the door open as Derek sunk down onto the couch. A moment later, she was on the other side, and it was closing again--forming a wall between them. Meredith staggered down the long hallway, her steps careless and uneven. She felt as if she were walking blind, barely making it into the bathroom before she burst into tears.

-----

_So, I didn't want to write this chapter. Really didn't want to, to the point that I actually spent half of yesterday trying to come up with ways to just put them back together here and make them happy. But then, I'd have to change the whole plot of my story, and blah-de-blah, long story short…I decided I wanted this to happen. Still, it was very hard to write. When I called my story angst-tastic? This chapter was at the heart of the reason why. And trying to come up with a way to write a whole chapter filled with pain gets um…mentally painful? Or something. Yeah._

_Anyway, I have some thoughts. (Feel free to skip ahead, this is just me rambling.) So Meredith…I know a lot of people think she's selfish because she can get wrapped up in her own drama a lot. But I think when it really comes down to it, she's one of the least selfish people on the show. (Um…hand on a bomb, anyone?) So yes, her selflessness is one of the main reasons behind what she's doing here. She was freaking out, and then thinking very hard. And, in the end, she came to the realization that she doesn't want Derek to end his marriage on an impulse. She wants him to be sure and not just rush from Addison to her because now she said she's pregnant. She doesn't want the obligations to a baby to be the only thing holding them together because she knows that won't last. (Personally, I think Mer is being a bit blindly idealistic here--unwilling to take a risk and put herself out there unless she's guaranteed that things will last. And at this point in time, there's nothing close to that sort of guarantee for her.) Her inability to want to take that risk comes largely from fears about having her childhood repeat itself and having a perfect family fall apart around her own child, and the realization that she has no trust in Derek after what happened plays a large part too. She's incapable of even believing him when he says he wants to leave Addison for her, or when he says that he loves her. She desperately wants to believe him and just fall back into his arms, but she has these doubts continually circling in her mind. So Mer sacrifices her own current happiness to make sure that Derek takes the time to really think about his decision. And it kills her to do it because she loves him and wants him, and pushing Derek away hurts him, and seeing him in pain is worse for her than being in pain herself. However, she thinks sending him away (and hoping desperately that he'll return) is the only way she can trust him completely again. And so in the end, that's what she does._

_And Derek…yeah, poor Derek. He really does love Meredith. Now, granted Mer was right, and he was making his decision very quickly. But to him, there really wasn't much of a decision to make. He has always wanted Meredith, and now in his mind, the fact that she's pregnant trumps his obligation to Addison. So he just wants to go back to Mer and be with her and their child, and is kind of naively thinking that he and Meredith can fall straight back into the sort of happiness they had before his wife showed up. But they obviously can't. All the doubts Meredith hurls at him hurt him, but in the end, he sort of grasps how much choosing Addison over her shook Mer's faith in him. And he wants her to be able to trust him again, to believe him when he tells her he loves her, so…he agrees to what she wants. He desperately wants to convince her that he wants her, so he ends up going along with what she asks of him, even though it's a world away from what he wants to be doing._

_So yep…done rambling. I'm glad to hear that people don't mind my long post-update rambles, and (possibly even) enjoy them. Very glad, because it helps me process what I just wrote. However…if you get annoyed with them, do go ahead and give me a nice friendly kick, and tell me to cut them out. Heh…that's all I have to say. Thank you so much for reading, and please review! _


	10. How It Goes

_So technically, I should be sleeping. It's late, and I have to baby sit in the morning. Which…isn't exactly a problem. Because seriously, this two-year-old? She's utterly adorable and easy to take care of. Still, I have to get up very early to watch her tomorrow. So, I should be sleeping. However, I really wanted to get this chapter up tonight. I feel like I've been working on it forever, and ugh…I still don't completely like it. But oh well, hopefully you guys will think it's okay. And then we can move onto the next chapter, which I am excited for!_

_Also, thanks so much for the great reviews for the last chapter. I'm so happy people enjoyed that chapter, and found the situation believable. And yeah, also glad to hear people didn't mind the length. Because this chapter? It's somehow even longer. No clue why. I thought it would be a shorter chapter actually. But it just…ended up being long. So yeah, that's about all for now. Please enjoy!_

-----

Meredith was sitting cross-legged on her couch, her back to the window as bright rays of sunlight streamed through the wide pane of glass, warming the front room. She was still wearing the sweatpants and old Dartmouth t-shirt she had gone to bed in, and she had decided that the puffiness around her eyes from crying had finally gone down completely, but it hadn't quite. Her green eyes were still slightly tinged with red, the soft skin around her eyes a little swollen. She reached a hand up to adjust her messy ponytail before returning to the business of flipping through the book resting in her lap. An hour ago, she had lugged the shopping bag full of books on pregnancy, and babies, and baby names that Izzie had bought for her out from its forgotten place beneath her bed. And now, she was reading them. Well, she was _attempting_ to read them. Meredith turned the page with a hard yanking gesture, almost as if she were trying to rip it out instead of read its other side. She was growing sick of looking at all the photos of pregnant women grinning delightedly downward as they caressed their swollen bellies. She didn't want to read another helpful quotation, set off in a tidy little box, offering tidbits of wisdom from knowing mothers. Meredith sighed with frustration, and resumed turning the pages so forcefully and rapidly that she didn't even hear the front door open.

"Hey," called a voice, and Meredith looked up to see Izzie standing in the doorway, still dressed in scrubs.

"Hey," muttered Meredith, flicking at the corner of a page with her fingernail as she spoke. "Busy call last night?" she asked, forcing herself to at least be conversational, despite her utter lack of inclination to do anything other than glare down at her lap.

"It was good," said Izzie happily. "That was the most sleep I've ever got on call." Meredith frowned, thinking of her own largely sleepless night, as Izzie paused and stretched luxuriously, a contented sigh escaping her lips. "And now, I've got the rest of the day off," she continued, catching sight of the pile of books scattered recklessly across the room. "Oh good, you're finally reading those." She crossed quickly over towards where Meredith sat, flopping down beside her.

"Trying to." Meredith's voice was short and cross, and she frowned as Izzie leaned forward to peer at a picture of a chubby, cherub-like baby.

"Aren't they so cute?" she gushed quietly.

Meredith just shrugged. "Sure." Her fingers yanked on the page with even more force than usual, shredding the glossy page straight down the middle. "Shit…" she muttered, smoothing her hand over the ragged tear. She glared at the book before slamming it shut, leaning forward to grab another one off the coffee table.

"Mer?" asked Izzie. Her voice was questioning and a little bit apprehensive.

Meredith just flipped the book open, staring unseeingly at its pages. "What?"

"Are you freaking out?" She was eyeing Meredith skeptically, a slight frown marking her face as she watched her friend scowling down at a page full of boy names starting with the letter 'E.'

The only response she got was a short clipped, "No."

There was a long pause, full of Meredith flipping her way tersely through the entire alphabet, before Izzie repeated her question. "You're _sure _you're not freaking out?" she pressed.

Meredith looked up at her incredulously, slamming the book shut and getting to her feet. "Yes, I'm sure I'm not freaking out," she said, folding her arms over her chest. "Why?"

Izzie shifted uncomfortably on the couch, twirling a strand of blonde hair around her finger. "Well…you know, you tend to freak out a lot lately."

"I do not," protested Meredith, despite the fact that she knew that wasn't exactly the truth. Still, she had been surprisingly normal around Izzie the past few days, and Izzie was looking rather shifty-eyed. She raised a skeptical eyebrow at her friend. "Izzie…" she said slowly, her voice questioning and her hands on her hips. Izzie shrugged, bouncing back onto the couch into a more comfortable position.

"Okay fine. I may or may not have been put on special, freak-out watchdog duty by Cristina," she admitted in a quick rush, once again emphasizing her poor talent at keeping secrets.

Meredith just groaned in disbelief. "Seriously?" she asked, shaking her head and turning away towards the kitchen.

"But you can't say anything," continued Izzie, tossing aside the pillow she'd been holding. She got to her feet, hurrying after Meredith into the kitchen. "I mean, if you mention it, she will hurt us both." Her eyes were wide and her voice filled with an amused form of seriousness, as she laughed and then shook her head sternly. "Painfully," she added, as a last, convincing good measure.

"Uh huh," muttered Meredith, crossing across the kitchen towards the fridge. "I think she'd just hurt you Iz." Izzie sighed and hoisted herself up to sit on the table, curling her legs beneath her.

"Come on Mer," she insisted. "You can talk to me. Just because you and Cristina have your whole super-secret, 'Oh, we're such cool bitchy surgeons' club doesn't mean…"

"Cristina and I do not have a club," interrupted Meredith, snorting indignantly.

"Okay whatever." Izzie shrugged, not sounding at all convinced. "I'm still very good to talk to. People _love_ to talk to me, you know."

Meredith just turned her attention towards the fridge, wrenching the door open. "I'm fine," she said brusquely, leaning forward to examine the contents within. It was a pathetic display of groceries--a box of old left over pizza rested on the top shelf next to a carton of milk. On the bottom shelf sat an excessive amount of beer. Meredith glared at the beer through narrowed eyes, thinking bitterly that there was more than enough alcohol there to serve half of Joe's. She had just opened the dairy drawer when Izzie's voice rang out clear and decisive, serving to interrupt her search.

"Okay see, that was one of the signs I was told to look for," said Izzie, scooting down the table towards her. "Excessive use of the word fine." She placed a proud emphasis on the word, and grinned happily as Meredith whirled around, her eyes widening with shock and indignation.

"_Seriously?_" Meredith shook her head in frustration._ "_I will kill Cristina," she muttered. The only response she got was a shrug, and so, with an irritated sigh, she returned her attention to the open refrigerator. Her eyes settled on a half eaten can of chocolate frosting, and she leaned forward, fishing it out from where it was tucked way in the back behind the pizza. Moments later she had grabbed a spoon, and was scooping out a mouthful of chocolate.

"Eww Meredith, that's disgusting," announced Izzie, watching her lick the spoon and return it to the container for a second helping of frosting. "Seriously, that's like something George would do." Meredith simply shrugged absently, walking back out of the kitchen towards the couch. "Besides, I use that frosting for cupcakes," continued Izzie, once again getting down and following her. "And now you're eating it, and making it germy."

"Izzie, if it's that big of a deal, I'll buy you a new thing of frosting okay?" She sounded tired and somewhat impatient as she once again opened another book on pregnancy, flipping halfheartedly through its pages.

"You know, you're basically feeding your baby pure sugar," continued Izzie, her voice growing preachy. "Do you really want to feed it pure sugar?"

Meredith's head snapped up, her eyes glinting daggers at her friend. She turned the book she was holding over, opening it to the index. "It's a craving Izzie," she snapped, jabbing her spoon at that exact word in the index. "See, right here…apparently I'll get those." Her voice was unusually cold, and the scowl weighing heavily on her brow warned Izzie not to continue.

"Fine. Cravings. Whatever…" she muttered, flopping back down onto the couch herself and grabbing the remote. Oprah came flashing onto the TV screen, and Izzie watched quietly for awhile. However, by the time the show arrived at a commercial break, she was reading over Meredith's shoulder. "Ooh are your feet colder than normal?" she asked, reaching down to point at a paragraph on old wives' tales. "That means it could be a boy."

Meredith shook her head, turning the page. "I don't know."

"Well, do you want a girl or a boy?" Meredith just shrugged.

"I don't know," she repeated flatly, her eyes trained fixedly on the book. Izzie sighed and sank back into silence. Meredith chewed on her lip. She didn't really like the taste of frosting much at all, and now her whole mouth tasted like it. Setting the can down on the coffee table, she tried to find something in the book that could hold her interest. But, after a few minutes, she had returned to scanning the pages aimlessly--doing her best to ignore the aggravating replay of the day before that kept popping up in her mind.

"Go back Mer," pleaded Izzie after several more minutes of silence. "To the nursery stuff." Meredith closed her eyes, biting back a tart reply, before grudgingly flipping to the chapter Izzie had requested. "Look…" Izzie's voice was soft and hushed, and she leaned her head against Meredith's shoulder as she studied the glossy pictures.

"Mhmm…" managed Meredith.

"Oh can I help you do the nursery? Please? It'll be fun, with cute wallpaper, and stuffed animals, and a crib with a mobile, and…" She trailed off, glancing up at Meredith. "Which room are you going to turn into the nursery anyway?" she asked.

"Actually, I was just going to throw the thing in one of my empty drawers."

Izzie's sat straight up, and looked at Meredith as if she might be crazy. "Seriously?"

Meredith just rolled her eyes. "No Izzie," she snapped. "I'm not _seriously_ going to put my baby in a drawer."

Izzie shook her head. "You know, something really is wrong with you today," she said thoughtfully. "You're all pinched and mean. Only, you're Meredith. Meredith's never mean. She doesn't even know _how _to be mean." There was something slightly hurt in her voice that forced Meredith to look up, and take in the confused frown on her friend's face.

She sighed reluctantly. "I'm sorry Iz." She offered her an apologetic smile, saying, "I just don't want to talk about baby stuff, okay?"

"Okay," agreed Izzie, but her frown deepened. "So…why are you reading baby books then?"

Meredith closed the book, giving it a halfhearted shove, and watching as it fell from her knees to lay splayed on the floor. "Because," she said bitterly. "I'm trying to somehow psych myself up enough to actually go to my doctor's appointment in an hour."

Izzie's response was instantaneous. "But Mer…it's a baby. That _is _exciting."

"No…no, it's really not." Meredith shook her head, leaning back into the couch and pinching the bridge of her nose. "It's overwhelming." She sighed heavily, before closing her eyes, and giving in to her need to somehow address what had happened yesterday. "And, I may have done something incredibly stupid."

"Something stupid?" echoed Izzie, her entire face lighting up. "I knew it. I was right! I _knew _you were freaking out about something."

"Thanks…" muttered Meredith darkly.

Izzie turned sheepish, demurely tucking her hair back behind her ears. "Sorry," she said. "Go on. You did something incredibly stupid?"

"Yes. A stupid Derek thing." She spoke in a flat monotone as if she were unaffected--doing the best she could to convince herself she hadn't spent the whole night in tears over him, and simply refusing to let herself start up crying again.

"Oh. Did you tell him you're pregnant?" asked Izzie, scooting around on the couch. Her eyes were eager and shining; ready for gossip. "Although, I don't see how that would be stupid Mer."

"No. I mean, yes. I told him. But that's not the stupid thing."

"It's not?"

"No, it's not." Meredith opened one eye wide enough to squint at Izzie, who was perched attentively beside her, before taking a deep breath and giving her the bare bones explanation of what she and Derek were doing, and why. She kept her memories of the anger, and the hurt, and the frantic desperate kissing silent though, locked close within her heart. Not only did it hurt to examine them too closely, there were some things that simply needed to remain private--ensnared only in her life and Derek's. Still, the little bit that she did share left her feeling slightly shaky, and she took another deep breath before finally sitting up to face Izzie. "Stupid, right?" she concluded.

Izzie just shook her head. "Mer, no. You did what you thought would be best for you and your baby. That's not stupid." Meredith groaned, once again sinking back into the cushions. "Seriously, it's not," continued Izzie earnestly. "It means you're gonna be a good mom."

Meredith laughed disbelievingly. "Right…have you met my mother? Besides," she stretched her arm out, grabbing another halfhearted mouthful of the frosting. "I can't even bring myself to go to the doctor because I miss Derek, and I want him to come with. I mean, already. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours, and I miss him already Iz. That's pathetic, right?" She frowned at Izzie for a second, before continuing on, not waiting for a response. "Actually, don't answer that. I know it's pathetic." She pointed at herself with the chocolate coated spoon. "I'm pathetic."

"Well," began Izzie cautiously. "Tell him you miss him then. He'd probably come right back. You said you had to convince him to still try with Addison, so…"

"Which. Was. Stupid," interrupted Meredith, speaking slowly and punctuating each word by shoving the spoon deeper and deeper into the can of frosting.

"So go get him back Mer."

But Meredith just sighed, once again shoving the frosting far away across the table. "No," she said quietly. "I can't." She ran her tongue slowly along her lips, her gaze trained deliberately on her tightly knit fingers.

"Why?" For once, Izzie's voice was completely free of its gossip-hungry undertones. It was simply gentle, and oh so slightly probing.

"Because…it would completely defeat the point." She sounded very far away, her eyelashes fluttering softly as she spoke. "Everything that happened yesterday…it would just defeat the point."

She twisted around to look at Izzie--her eyes shining, sad and vulnerable, as Izzie let out a soft, "Oh." Izzie said nothing more, sensing that whatever was at the heart of what happened yesterday was both too complicated and too painful for Meredith to sum up in a simple sentence. She reached out, placing a comforting hand on her friend's arm.

Meredith responded with a dry smile. "Besides," she continued, swinging determinedly back towards the safety of sarcasm. "This way I get to sit around and wait for McDreamy to choose me over her. Again. Apparently, I like pain." Izzie didn't answer. She just stared at her friend, finding herself not quite sure of what to say. But, after a moment, Meredith simply resumed speaking. The sarcasm she had been clinging to vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and her voice merely sounded small. "I can't do this by myself Izzie. I can't." She shook her head, contemplating the one possibility that she had been consistently trying to shove from her mind. "What if he realizes Addison's really great? What if he just never comes back?" Her voice shook slightly, and she reached out, grabbing one of the books from where it lay next to her on the couch. She opened it, flipping through the pages. "I mean, look at all this stuff. I can't do all of this," she said, her voice rising to a high panicked pitch. "Seriously. It's not possible…I can't. I just can't."

Izzie reached out, catching Meredith's wrist and pulling the book away from her before it could lose all of its pages. "You can," she said simply. Her voice was warm and knowing, but the reassurance was completely lost on Meredith, who simply shook her head.

"How? How can I possibly do this?" she asked, her eyes growing more and more frantic.

"You just can," insisted Izzie. "You'll find a way."

"You're just saying that," snapped Meredith, frustrated with her fears and yet utterly unable to calm them on her own. Her head fell forward to rest in her hands, and she muttered, "You don't understand what this is like Izzie. You don't _really_ know."

Izzie closed her eyes, taking a deep determined breathe. "No," she said quietly, as she resigned herself to giving up her own secrets in an effort to help her friend. "I really do know. I've…done this." She bit her lip, as reluctant to return to that part of her past as Meredith was to address her own childhood. However, she could feel Meredith's gaze suddenly trained on her--shocked and inquisitive and perhaps even a little bit hopeful. She swallowed hard, knowing she couldn't throw a comment out like that and then promptly abandon it. "When I was sixteen," she continued with a sad little laugh, her eyes still closed. "I…gave her up for adoption."

"Oh…" Meredith's voice was many things--a rush of understanding, an apology for her own words, a plea for Izzie to keep speaking.

"Yeah," murmured Izzie, her face growing very solemn and pale, before slowly sitting back up and opening her eyes. "Look, I was probably even more scared than you are. The guy found a new girlfriend as soon as I told him, and my mom…she was pretty much always at work or on the phone. I was alone, scared and sixteen, and somehow I did it." She paused and rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes, looking over at Meredith.

Meredith just nodded. The corners of her mouth were drooping down into a slight frown, and her pale eyes had grown dark and serious. "You survived," she said quietly.

"I survived," she agreed. "And seriously Mer, you'll survive too. You can do this." Meredith offered her a half smile, still seeming skeptical. "You're not sixteen. You're grown up…with a job and a life. And you're not alone," she continued earnestly. "You've got all of us."

"Yeah?" Meredith's voice was very small, but Izzie just smiled, suddenly looking more like her normal self again.

She nodded her head, saying, "Mer, trust me. The moment you see your baby, none of this now is even going to matter."

"Yeah?" repeated Meredith. Her voice was soft and wavering, but it was filled with a thick strand of hope that had previously been missing. A gentle wave of relief seemed to be washing over her, easing at least a little of the constant tension she had felt since walking away from Derek.

"Yeah," agreed Izzie as Meredith's head dropped down to rest on her shoulder. The two women sat together in silence, both lost in their own thoughts, until Meredith finally noticed the glowing light of the digital clock on the cable box.

"Crap," she said, moving away from Izzie and springing to her feet. "I'm going to be late."

Izzie just smirked. "Yeah right, as if you've ever obeyed the speed limit. You'll drive there in what? Ten minutes?" Meredith wrinkled her nose, but didn't reply. "Just hurry up and get ready," continued Izzie. "I'll even come and wait with you."

"You will?" asked Meredith incredulously, unable to hide her delight over not going alone. "And waste your afternoon off? You don't have any plans?"

"Yeah well, someone has to make sure you don't re-freak while waiting," she teased, prompting Meredith to turn back and roll her eyes. "Besides, I was going to make cupcakes." She paused, a smirk playing across her face as she leaned forward to examine the now nearly empty frosting can. "But apparently, _somebody_ ate all my frosting."

-----

"So who is your doctor anyway?" asked Izzie, leaning forward to snatch another magazine off the table in the large waiting room. "Is he published? Is he any good?"

Meredith glanced up at her. "I don't know. I think so," she said thoughtfully, opening her purse and fishing out his business card. "Umm…J. Turner," she announced. "Ring any bells?"

"No," said Izzie, shaking her head. "Not really. What do you think of these shoes?" she asked, pointing at a picture in the magazine. They had kept their conversation pointedly lighthearted since leaving the house--both women sensing that the other didn't want to return to the heart of their talk on the couch. Still, even without constant reminders of Derek, Meredith felt her stomach growing persistently nervous and fluttery. Doctors' offices made her nervous, at least, when she wasn't the doctor. She mumbled a response, returning her attention to the article she had been reading. Izzie yawned, stretching back in her richly upholstered chair. "Well even if he's crap, at least his waiting room's nice," she sighed as she drummed her fingers against the armrest. Quickly growing bored with the magazine, her gaze began to flit around the room, coming to settle on a tall man as he entered from one of the offices beyond. He was dressed in a long white lab coat, his brown hair falling slightly into his eyes as he bent down to talk to a woman. Izzie straightened up a bit, elbowing Meredith, her attention now completely absorbed by the man.

The woman he was speaking to was tiny and middle-aged. She seemed to twitter more than speak, her face reddening as he shook her hand. "Oh, Dr. Turner…it's nothing," she said, her voice loud and cheerfully flustered, carrying easily across the room. Izzie's eyebrows flew up in response.

"Meredith…" she muttered, once again elbowing her, a bit harder this time. "You never said your doctor was hot."

"Yeah, I know," answered Meredith absently. "I have no idea what he looks like."

"No. Seriously…look," hissed Izzie, pointing her head none too subtly in the direction of Dr. Turner. "_That's _your gynie doctor." Meredith heaved an irritated sigh--she had been trying to ignore the fact that, at some point, her name would be called, and she would have to go in for her appointment. Looking at her doctor wasn't exactly going to make the game of ignoring any easier. However, she obliged Izzie, following with her eyes to where she was pointing. The man in question had straightened up, turning around to say something to the receptionist. He was broad shouldered, and looked slightly tan, with the vaguest hint of stubble running along his jaw line.

Meredith raised an eyebrow, an amused smile playing across her face. "You like my gynie doctor?" she asked in a low teasing voice. Izzie shook her head noncommittally, still following him with her eyes. "What about Alex, Izzie?" continued Meredith, laughing as she deliberately returned her attention to her reading.

"I'm just saying," she answered airily, glancing back at Meredith. "You don't think Dr. McBabies over there is hot?"

Meredith frowned and took another look at him. He _did_ have a charming, slightly crooked smile, and a deep rolling laugh. She shrugged her shoulders, saying, "Sure." But seconds later, her eyes had widened, and she was turning back to Izzie. "Dr. McBabies, Iz?" she asked incredulously. "Seriously?"

"Yeah well, he's the baby doctor," said Izzie. She pursed her lips together thoughtfully, her voice growing ridiculously serious as she asked, "You think Dr. McHottie would be better?"

"_Izzie_," hissed Meredith, rolling her eyes. "He will hear you."

"No he won't," muttered Izzie disappointedly. "He's going back in." She watched as he pushed open the door leading to the inner offices and exam rooms--disappearing from sight--before turning towards Meredith with a wicked grin on her face. "Damn…I've got to get pregnant too now," she said, prompting Meredith to shoot her yet another dubious look.

"Um…OB/GYN Iz," she said speaking very slowly. "You don't _have _to be pregnant to see him."

"I know that," came the indignant reply. "Just…if I ever happen to bear future children," she continued, doing her best to keep a serious face. However Meredith dissolved into giggles, and that prompted Izzie to do the same.

"You really think he's that good-looking?" asked Meredith after they stopped laughing. Before Izzie could even open her mouth to answer, the sound of Meredith's name being called by the receptionist rang through the room. She wrinkled her nose as she set down her magazine. "Never mind," she continued, getting to her feet and picking up her bag. The smile had instantly vanished from her face, replaced by a look of pure apprehension. "Okay," muttered Meredith, pressing her hand against her stomach, before glancing down and removing it self-consciously.

"You'll be fine Mer," said Izzie encouragingly. "Although…" She paused, smirking up at her, before adding, "McBabies might like you better if you put on some lip gloss first."

Meredith just let out a disbelieving laugh, rolling her eyes and walking back towards the exam rooms.

She soon found herself anxiously pacing back and forth in a narrow room. The nurse had already came and went, and Meredith was left with nothing to do other than twist her watch in nervous circles as she poked about, waiting for the doctor. The exam room wasn't anything unusual--plain white walls covered with helpful color illustrations of fetuses in various stages of gestation. Still, Meredith's legs felt vaguely shaky, and she found herself wishing she could sneak back out into the safety of the waiting room without anyone noticing. Out there, she could count on Izzie to think of something to distract her. But here, inside the small and quiet room, there was nothing save for the frustratingly persistent knowledge that she had sent Derek to Addison herself. She could have had him, but now she was alone. Alone for the next…who knew how many months--maybe forever. _Stop being stupid_, she thought angrily, interrupting her own train of thought. Her mind flickered back to the memory of a sixteen year-old Izzie. _We're not alone, _she reminded herself fiercelyas she once again placed a trembling hand against her stomach--far less self-consciously this time due to the privacy of the closed room. She took a deep breath, looking around for something to keep her mind occupied. Her eyes landed on the folder containing her preliminary medical history--left by the nurse, and now just waiting there on the counter. Meredith took one hesitant breath before snatching it up, and leaning back against the wall as she absently flipped through its pages.

It kept her distracted enough from her own worries and nagging thoughts about Derek that, when the door opened, she was completely caught off guard. She looked up, letting out a gasp of surprise, and promptly dropped her folder. The soft whooshing sound of papers scattering and falling to the ground filled the air, and Meredith paled, immediately dropping to her knees to gather them up. "Sorry," she muttered, her voice full of embarrassment. "I'm probably not even supposed to be looking at that."

"No, it's fine. It's your history, after all," came a friendly voice, filled with a touch of amusement. Meredith glanced up, pushing her hair back, and found herself face-to-face with a surprisingly warm pair of hazel eyes. There was something simultaneously calming and intriguing about them, and Meredith gasped slightly--her face flushing as she stared up into them for a moment--before coming to her senses and remembering the mess she'd made of the file.

"Still…" she continued, springing back into action. She leaned forward to scoop up the last of the loose paper. "It's all out of order now and stuff," she added with a grimace, noting her futile struggle to put the papers back into some semblance of their previous neat arrangement.

"No really, it's fine," insisted the man opposite her. "It'll give me something to do around here for once." He was smiling at her good-naturedly, and she found her embarrassment over her sudden clumsiness lessening. "You must be Dr. Grey?" he asked, stretching out a hand to help her up.

Meredith nodded, placing her slender hand in his notably larger one. "And you're Dr. umm…" She bit her tongue to keep Izzie's nickname for the man from slipping out. "Turner," she finished, handing over her file to him as they both straightened up. "Dr. Turner."

"I am," he agreed with a quick grin, his eyes crinkling slightly. He flipped her file open for himself, dropping down to sit on a low swivel chair as he read over the history--his lips pursed thoughtfully. Meredith found herself growing anxious again in the sudden silence, and she turned around to find herself facing the deep sloping exam table. Despite the fact that it was nothing new, she frowned at it uncomfortably, taking a step backwards. She knew that getting up on that table would make the next several months change from something comfortably abstract into something completely and painfully concrete. And Meredith found herself wondering, with a bitter and somewhat guilty pang, just how long she would have only Izzie (or no one) waiting for her down the hall…instead of Derek.

"I'm pregnant," she announced suddenly, in a struggle to once again pull herself away from her thoughts. Dr. Turner looked up, raising an eyebrow at her over the file, and simply nodding his head. "Well obviously you know that," she continued, frowning at her own comment. "It says so in my file. That's why I'm here after all." She reached up, tucking her long bangs out of the way. "I know I technically should have come sooner," she continued, giving into her tendency to ramble when nervous. "But things were…complicated. With my life, and with my…" Meredith trailed off; realizing that not only had she failed to distract herself from her thoughts about Derek, but that she was also utterly unsure of how to describe him. 'My boyfriend' wasn't exactly applicable anymore, and 'My boss who knocked me up' felt like just a little too much information. "My life," she repeated lamely, looking up at the man who nearly towered over her even when sitting. He had closed her file, and was simply watching her--a very amused smirk playing across his face.

"You're incredibly nervous, aren't you?" he asked. His tone was blunt and straightforward, and it left Meredith feeling a bit taken aback.

"Umm…no," she stammered defensively, but gave up as soon as she saw that simply made him raise his eyebrows higher. She let out an awkward laugh, nodding her head. "I mean…yes. I am. Nervous, that is." She grimaced before adding, "Very nervous."

He grinned at her again, hazel eyes glinting knowingly. "I thought so." He motioned towards the exam table, adding, "Have a seat, Dr. Grey."

Meredith just balked; her feet remaining frozen to the floor. It suddenly seemed like a very large step from the floor to the table--from the intangible through to cold, hard reality. "Meredith," she blurted out. "Just Meredith. I'm the patient, and…we can't have two doctors." She was speaking very quickly, her hands back to fidgeting with her watch. "That would be confusing. And weird."

"Okay Meredith," he agreed, his voice low and comforting. "Call me Josh."

"Josh?" Meredith frowned at him, looking slightly bemused, and still no closer to sitting down.

"Josh," he repeated firmly, leading her over to the exam table. "And we can just be two people--nothing worth getting nervous over."

"Nothing worse getting nervous over," she echoed, casting one last glance at the table behind her.

He nodded. "Exactly."

"Okay Josh," she agreed quietly. And somehow, that really did help a little. Because, before she quite realized it, she was reaching back to hoist herself up onto that table and into reality.

-----

_Okay…see? I said it was long…heh. Also, glad to hear people like my rambling here. I will therefore stop rambling about the rambling, and just purely ramble… Or something. So, hmmm…Meredith. Last chapter, she basically pushed Derek away so that he could figure out what he really wanted. And while she technically knows it was the right thing to do, she also loves the guy. And that pretty much makes it impossible to be all glass half-full, sunshine and smiles Meredith the next day. Because Derek could have been hers. And she gave that up for at least the time being, and consequently, she has some issues. She's feeling grumpy, and freaking out about both being alone and having the fact that she's pregnant turn from this general concept into something much more concrete by actually going to the doctor. And, she manages to make a fool of herself in front of said doctor. However, her doctor, is actually a rather nice guy (who Izzie happens to find charmingly good-looking), and she knows she's got Izzie out there waiting for her too, and so in the end, she's able to just go ahead with things despite the fact that her and Derek's issues are far from unresolved._

_And Izzie…there was a lot of Izzie in this chapter. Much more Izzie than usual. Now I know some people don't like Izzie (although I kind of love her for her occasionally crazy and judgmental ways), so, if that's you, rest assured that none of the future chapters are anything near this Izzie heavy. But, I wanted an Izzie chapter because well…out of Mer's friends, she's the only one who has actually been pregnant. Now, on the show, she obviously hasn't told any of her friends. But here, Mer is freaking out, and she needs to hear something concrete beyond the sort of empty reassurances she could get from anybody (and which is what she thinks Izzie is giving her). So, Izzie tells her story, and…it helps. However, even while being helpful, Izzie was also being annoying. Because Cristina's idea of watching out for Mer and Izzie's idea of the same? Their worlds apart. Izzie's trying to be helpful, and is honestly just excited about the baby because she knows Mer is going to get a happy ending with her baby opposed to her own bittersweet one. So she's excited, and thinks Mer is too when she sees her utterly surrounded by a sea of baby books. But yeah, she's Izzie. She can be a bit grating and…Izzie-like, and so she annoys Mer. But, her heart's in the right place, and she ends up helping her a lot too._

_And hmmm…the McBabies doctor. He is charmingly good-looking. And while he's not there to sweep Mer off her feet and away from Derek, he does have a role to play. Yeah… That's about it. Next chapter will see the return of Mer/Der interaction, and just how they go about the business of being around each other while Derek is "trying." If I don't post again before January 1st, have a Happy New Year everyone! Thanks so much for reading this, and please review!_


	11. Written In Your Eyes

_So…hmm…apparently, as someone pointed out, there is an actual famous Josh Turner. I am endlessly amused by this because, I googled the guy, and honestly…if you're wanting some sort of concrete, visual representation of Dr. McBabies? The guy isn't exactly a bad example. His facial structure is close to what I was picturing, and the hair works too. The eyes are the wrong color and the, er…cowboy boots don't quite fit either. But still…I'm loving this coincidence. Tres amusing and all that sort of stuff. Anyway, as for said doctor, some people seemed to like him and some people seemed to be concerned by him. I don't want to say exactly why I brought him in, but because my own fragile Mer/Der shipper heart goes all haywire whenever anyone male and remotely attractive (and NOT Derek) acts charming around Mer, I will say that she won't fall in love with him. Derek's got her heart pretty much in his pocket. Still, the guy was introduced for a reason… And now, I'm done being purposely vague and annoying! (For now hee.)_

_So yes, last chapter. Very glad that people seemed to enjoy the Izzie/Mer friendship. Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed. Seriously. It, well, it totally makes my day. Actually it pushes me into bright and shiny territory, but don't tell anyone… And yeah, that's about all for now. On to the chapter! _

-----  
_Strange how we are hiding  
It seems like we're secretly fighting  
-----_

Meredith was vaguely aware that Alex was speaking. Something about a brain tumor…excision…frontal lobe…she wasn't completely sure. She knew that he was presenting the case, and that she should be listening, but somehow his voice was just this low humming sound. She had to struggle terribly to get his words to register as anything other than white noise. And honestly, she felt a bit too distracted to fight that hard. The whole room was this insignificant blur. She wasn't even completely sure of whether it was George or Izzie who was standing to her right…and they were fairly different looking. The only thing Meredith could concentrate on at all was a pair of piercing blue eyes that were currently boring straight into her--Derek's eyes.

They were staring at each other. Across the patient's bed, they were staring at each other. Meredith hadn't planned on staring at all. She had simply been rounding. And somehow, caught up in the bustle of taking notes and moving from room to room, she had forgotten that eventually they would have to round on some sort of neuro case. It just happened--all of a sudden she was in the room of a patient recovering from a brain tumor excision. Alex began presenting the case, and his voice instantly started to fade away as Meredith looked up and saw Derek.

He looked unusually strained; his hair falling unkempt across his forehead and a whisper of dark shadows sweeping beneath his eyes. He was nodding vaguely, as if listening to Alex, and yet he hadn't once glanced down at the chart in his hands. That would require taking his gaze away from Meredith, and so far that seemed impossible. Meredith shivered, folding her arms tight across her chest. Derek's eyes were darkened by exhaustion, and that left them so close to smoldering that she felt as if he were pulling her into him via an invisible hook. Some distant part of her mind was telling her it might be a good idea to look away--that Cristina was elbowing her, that people were starting to turn puzzled frowns in their direction.

But she couldn't look away.

There was just too much written in his eyes, and mirrored in hers. Somehow, the search for reassurance and forgiveness, loneliness, their intrinsic need for each other, everything they couldn't quite say--it was whittled down and given meaning in the way they stared at each other. It wasn't awkward. Meredith had been dreading seeing Derek, even as she longed to be near him again, because she already knew how they would stumble over their words. Their conversations would be all long pauses and unfinished sentences, brimming over with uncertainty. It would be unbearably awkward at best, a brutal flashback to the week after he chose Addison at worst. But here, in the crowded room, they couldn't talk. And somehow, that saved them. They spoke better through silence. Meredith had often wondered if that was a problem; if their tendency to speak with their bodies rather than their words was somehow dysfunctional. She figured it probably was, but right now she didn't care. Their thoughts were clearer this way, and they read each other purely, unpolluted by words. She knew it couldn't last long. As soon as one of them moved, they would fall away from this and into whatever strange place they were to inhabit while he _tried _with Addison. And so Meredith wouldn't look away. She felt as if she would be content to simply stand there forever, and was surprised to find herself suddenly walking out of the room

It took her a minute to realize that the reason she was moving was because Izzie and Cristina both had one of her arms, and were nearly dragging her out of the patient's room, and after a ferocious sounding Bailey going on about distracted interns. And even then, Bailey's yelling just washed over her. Meredith simply turned her head, looking back into the room, finding herself completely unable to stop the gesture. Her eyes locked with Derek's again, both staring sadly after the other until the distance between them became too great.

She drifted through the rest of rounds. Bailey paused every so often to shoot her a disapproving scowl, and Cristina kept hissing things in her ear, but Meredith simply kept her gaze trained on the patients. With Derek out of the room, she could concentrate perfectly, and she did. But, she felt cold. The usual emptiness that she tended to associate with loneliness felt much sharper now than it had in the morning, before she had seen Derek. As the group dispersed to tend to their patients individually, Izzie gave her a sympathetic smile, but Cristina pulled her away down the hall.

"Okay, what was that?" asked Cristina. Her voice was an incredulous hiss as she stopped at a nurses' station, and pivoted around to fix Meredith with a raised eyebrow.

Meredith shrugged. "Umm…what was what?"

"Uh…the extremely long round of eye-sex you just had with McDreamy."

"That? Oh…umm, I mean _that_…it was nothing," stammered Meredith. She looked quickly away from Cristina, digging through the pocket of her lab coat for a hair tie. "I was just concentrating on the case. Very hard," she added as she found what she was looking for, and pulled her hair up into a ponytail.

"Right." Cristina's voice was short and snappish, and she rolled her eyes, saying, "Look, I'm a busy person. I don't have time to wait around until crazy-rain-Meredith returns and decides she wants to confess. But, I do have five minutes until I have to get my patient up to CT, so just tell me already."

Meredith sighed, leaning against the counter and peering down the empty hall. "Fine…but, no pointing out how this is stupid and going to backfire in my face." Cristina just nodded, drumming her fingers impatiently. Meredith took a deep breath, wrinkling her nose, and saying, "Derek said he was going to get a divorce."

"Seriously? Okay, _now_ I understand all the eye-sex."

Meredith shook her head. "No," she said quietly. "I…then…I told him not to. I…" she swallowed, still finding it hard to get the words out without choking. "I told him to…stay with Addison."

Cristina dropped her coffee--the mug crashing straight to the ground and covering the white tile of the floor in a wash of dark brown liquid. "Seriously?" she repeated, even as they both jumped back away from the spill. An angry nurse seemed to appear out of nowhere, barreling past them to drop a wad of paper towels into the puddle, snapping for someone to page for a janitor. "Sorry," muttered Cristina. She bent down to collect her emptied mug, but kept her eyes trained on her friend. "Umm…what the hell Mer? _Why?_"

"A lot of reasons," hissed Meredith in an low voice, casting an anxious glance at the nearby nurse. This time, she was the one pulling Cristina away down the hall, and into a small empty room that housed the copy and fax machines. "He wasn't thinking clearly," she said as she closed the door. "I'm not going to wreck his marriage, and then have him realize later he chose wrong, and watch him leave me again." Her voice rose in a thin anxious whine that sounded dangerously close to trembling and just breaking down. And, although it failed to silence the blatant skepticism in Cristina's eyes, it did keep her from saying anything harsh. She simply nodded in agreement. Meredith sighed, punching absently at the buttons on the copy machine. "So…I told him to try with Addison. You know, take his time. Find out what he wants for sure and stuff…" Her voice trailed off, and she waved a vague hand through the air in an attempt to sum everything up.

"Okay fine," agreed Cristina, rolling her eyes. "You two need to do your messed up thing. I get it. But, what about the baby?"

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "The baby?"

"Uh _your_ baby. Remember, the McDreamy spawn you're carting around with you all day?" answered Cristina, looking pointedly at her stomach. "What's he going to tell Satan?"

A heavy silence filled the room--Meredith averting her eyes as she bit the corner of her lip. "Nothing," she mumbled at last, her voice soft and already anticipating Cristina's reaction. "Nobody needs to know anything yet, so…it's… We're pretending I never told him…I guess." She shrugged uncomfortably. "Or something like that.." Meredith trailed off, reluctantly raising her eyes from the ground to find Cristina frowning at her, her face a perfect example of utter disbelief.

"Okay Mer…now that's just stupid," she moaned. "Please don't tell me this was all your idea, so I can at least go kick some sense into McBastard."

"Thanks," said Meredith dryly. "Very helpful. Supportive. Just what I needed to hear."

"Oh god, it was all your idea."

"Cristina…" Meredith's voice was exasperated, and she shook her head. "What else was I supposed to do? Take him back like nothing happened? I mean seriously, what?"

Cristina frowned, pushing her messy curls out of her eyes. "I don't know," she said honestly. "But she's going to find out sooner or later. Might as well get that over with now. Hell, I'd give up a surgery to see the expression on her face," she added with a laugh. "Well…you know, not a great surgery. Maybe an appy or something."

"Cristina," repeated Meredith, sounding frantic and full of denial, completely missing the grin her friend was shooting her. "No. She can't know." She closed her eyes, hating to even try and contemplate what it would be like when Addison found out. The idea filled her with a cold hard dread--something irrational, that made her want to run and hide.

"Look Mer, I'm not denying she's Satan. She is, but seriously, you get that eventually she _is_ going to know you're having Derek's baby?" Her voice was flat and insisting, and it prompted Meredith to shake her head again, harder this time. Cristina sighed and placed a hand on her friend's arm in an oddly comforting gesture. "You can't not tell the hospital. People need to know Mer," she continued gently. "You're going to miss _at least _a month of your internship. That's big. Bailey needs to know."

"No." Meredith's voice was quiet and fiercely determined. "Nobody needs to know. You guys already know, and that's plenty." She glanced down at her stomach. She hadn't gotten any bigger yet, despite the fact that she felt inexplicably fatter. "Besides, scrubs are loose," she added firmly, with a strange resolute twist to her voice as she tugged on the top that hung around her small frame.

Cristina stared at her, blinking softly as realization slowly crossed her face. "Wait…you're seriously not going to say anything to Bailey? Not about your schedule or how you're going to manage to finish the program? Or your leave? Or… You're going to hide it until…when Mer?"

Meredith's response was instantaneous and unwavering. "Until Derek figures out what he wants, or it becomes impossible to hide. Whatever comes first."

"Meredith…" she began, but Meredith just shook her head again, cutting her off.

"Cristina…no. Derek can't possibly figure out what he wants if half the hospital is walking around talking about how I'm having his baby." She sighed, sweeping her bangs out of her eyes. "Besides, he'll figure out what he wants soon enough…and I'll be able to believe him. And everything will turn out fine." She spoke with a forced hopefulness--trying to convince herself that that was exactly how things would unfold, when in reality the uncertainty was already eating her up inside.

Cristina just shook her head; the hard look of incredulity disappearing from her face to be replaced with something that vacillated between sympathy and pity. "You poor, poor thing. You are so…" But before she could finish her sentence, the door swung open, and the room was instantly filled with a loud displeased voice.

"What part of this is my interns hard at work?"

Cristina jumped down from her seat on the fax machine, and Meredith whirled around, her jaw dropping open. "CT was backed up," said Cristina earnestly.

"You put me on scut," added Meredith, with the slightest tinge of defensiveness to her voice. "I'm just waiting for someone to need something."

"Oh you are both lying," said Bailey, looking back and forth between the two of them. "Badly." She shook her head, her chin jutting angrily out at them. "Yang, CT now. If there's a line, you _wait _in the damn line."

Cristina nearly sprang out of the room with a hasty, "Yes, Dr. Bailey." Meredith shifted uncomfortably as Bailey's eyes once again focused on her.

"And Grey, since you can't seem to figure out what to do on your own, bring this to Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, and tell her I need her on a consult down in the pit as soon as possible." She thrust a large and heavy chart at Meredith who simply stood there, blinking at her. Bailey cleared her throat. "Dr. Grey," she said sharply. "Is there a reason why you're unable to do anything other than stare at people today?"

"Umm…no," stammered Meredith, still hung up on the idea that she now had to go and actively search for Addison. "Nothing… I mean, I'm working," she continued, quickly pulling herself back together again. She flashed Bailey what she hoped was a capable and reassuring smile.

"Then why are you _still _standing here?"

Meredith shook her head. "I'm leaving," she said hastily. "This is me leaving right now." And she hurried past Bailey as swiftly as she could, steeling herself to walk down the hall in search of Addison.

-----

"Derek…all I'm asking is if something's wrong," said Addison, her heels clacking loudly as she doubled her pace to keep up with her husband. "I don't see why you're so upset about me asking." He heaved a loud sigh, stopping abruptly and whirling around to look at her.

"Because nothing is wrong Addie," he answered, his voice hoarse and heavy. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm fine before you stop asking?" He shook his head, running a frustrated hand through his thick mess of black curls. "Do you want it in writing?" he asked, his speech brimming with a total lack of amusement, and a variety of sarcasm that was almost cold.

Addison raised an eyebrow, her pale blue eyes hardening defensively, but a moment later she seemed to have swallowed whatever sharp retort she was harboring. "I'm just worried about you," she continued quietly, tucking a shinning strand of red hair back behind her ear. "That's all…"

His reply was as brisk and immediate as ever. "Well I'm fine. You don't need to worry." Derek ran the back of his hand across his bleary eyes. "It's nothing," he insisted, a faint skeleton of his usual reassuring smile appearing for an instant. He turned and started to walk away, but Addison reached out, catching him by the arm.

"Derek, it's _not _nothing. I've been married to you for eleven years, don't you think I can tell by now?"

His head jerked up instantly at that, tired eyes growing rapidly sharp and inquisitive. "Tell what?" he asked, his voice low and questioning, and suddenly filled with unease.

"That something's wrong," she continued insistently as his face relaxed a little.

"Oh…" He shrugged, and quickly followed that with a disbelieving headshake. "We've been going over this all morning Addison. I'm good, okay? We're good." Addison rolled her eyes, placing a perfectly manicured hand on each hip.

"You look like death Derek," she said flatly. He let out a bitter bark of a laugh, trying once again to turn away, but she pressed on. "What? Do you want me to just ignore the fact that you got up…how many times was it…? I think seven times last night? To pace about in the trailer… There's not even any room to pace in a freaking trailer." Addison was studying his face intently, her voice intrusive yet filled with concern. "Or what about the night before when you tossed and turned for hours? Or the fact that you've barely said two words to me, and are walking around like some sort of zombie?"

"Addison," groaned Derek, burying his face in his hands. "Don't do this."

"Come on. Just tell me, and save yourself several hours of me hounding you about it," she joked, as a sad smile flickered across her face. Derek had straightened up again, and was looking at her, his lips drawn into a thin line. "Are you sick?" she continued, reaching up and placing a hand to his forehead. "Because if you are…you could always push a few of your surgeries. Go get a few hours rest first."

Derek reached up and removed her hand from his brow, replacing it with a heavy frown. "Addison, I'm fine," he repeated yet again, struggling to keep from snapping at her. "There's nothing for you to worry about." A glint of a sardonic smile appeared briefly in his eyes as he thought how far from the truth all of this was, and that filled him with a pang of guilt and an even greater desire to change the subject. "Now please," he said heavily. "Stop with all the nagging."

Addison just stared at him--her expression wavering between a confused frown and a small, slightly twisted smile of acceptance. But, in the end, the smile won out and she nodded her head. "Okay," she agreed, giving in to him. "I'm sorry. No more nagging." Derek sighed gratefully, and she leaned forward, stretching her hand out to him. "Truce?" she asked. He glanced down at her waiting fingers uncertainly. His first instinct was to shake his head and walk away--letting himself be propelled by his frustrations and his far from dormant desire to see Meredith. But thinking of Meredith was a painful reminder that he had promised to try, and that sometimes, trying requires giving a little. And so he reached out, taking her long slender hand in his.

"Truce," he agreed, and Addison stepped closer to him, the usually cool blue of her eyes taking a decided swing towards a warmer happier shade.

"That's the first thing we've agreed on in a long time," she said quietly, raising an eyebrow and biting down on the very center of her lower lip, as she swung his hand back and forth softly with hers.

Derek let out a tired sort of laugh and nodded his head. "Yeah. I guess so…"

"We used to agree on almost everything," continued Addison wistfully. "I miss that."

Derek nodded again. "I know you do," he said quietly. "And…I'm trying Addison." There was a certain tinge of reluctance to his words, and he looked away from her, casting his troubled eyes to the ground. But Addison seemed to miss the bold lines of conflicted agony there, or, if she saw them, she didn't want to acknowledge what they could mean. She simply tugged on his hand, smiling at his bowed head.

"I know you are." Her voice was soft and undeniably grateful, and she laced her fingers tighter with his as she spoke. "And I'm…"

"Dr. Shepherd?"

A small hesitant voice interrupted them, and they both whirled around to find Meredith standing there, clutching a large chart to her chest. Her pale green eyes flitted instantly to Derek's face, and then to the hand joined with his wife's, before dropping quickly to the ground. "Sorry," she mumbled, even as he let go of Addison's hand as quickly as if it had burned him. "I didn't mean to interrupt," she continued, her eyes still trained resolutely on the square foot of tile in front of her face. "I just…"

"Meredith, what is it?" asked Derek instantly, as she started to let herself trail off into silence. His voice was uncertain, and yet it curved with a rich warmth that had previously been missing from his speech. It called out to her, almost making it possible for her to forget that Addison was right there. And so she raised her eyes towards the sound to find him searching her face, a hint of worry written in his expression. She tilted her head to the side, finding herself as speechless as she had predicted. However, she could read his anxiety, and a faint flash of a reassuring smile danced across her face. It was instinct, and she barely even realized what she was doing, until Addison's voice came crashing into her mind, the sound colored strongly with annoyance.

"Yes, what do you _need_ Dr. Grey?" Addison was glancing back and forth between her husband and his old girlfriend--the strange ghosts of meaningful looks she swore she saw being exchanged between them filled her with unease. She curled her fingers into a fist, trying to pretend she didn't mind how quickly Derek had pulled his hand from hers.

Meredith started at the sound of her voice, once again hastily tearing her gaze from Derek. "Umm Dr. Bailey asked me to find you," she said, passing the chart over to Addison. "She asked if you'd help her with a consult in the pit as soon as possible." She didn't quite meet Addison's eyes as she spoke, but stared uncomfortably just past her. Being so close to Addison was unnerving. She felt more than simply awkward. She felt dangerously on display, as if she were in a cage at some sort of freak show, and at any moment, Addison would realize just why and let out a horrified gasp that would echo through the hallways. Meredith found herself wanting nothing more than to snatch the thick binder back; to have it to hold protectively in front of her stomach. But all she could do was stand there, and try not to look at Derek as if he were something to her.

"Of course," replied Addison, her voice once again intruding into Meredith's mind. "Thank you Dr. Grey." She sounded cool and distant, filled with an aloof professionalism. Meredith just nodded, mumbling in response as she fidgeted with a button on her lab coat. She knew that was her cue to leave, but Derek's eyes were nothing save a broken plea for her to stay just a little bit longer. And so she didn't move, but simply watched as Addison flipped the chart open, her gaze moving quickly down the page. "Hmm…twenty-eight weeks pregnant with severe blunt trauma to the abdomen," she murmured, speaking mostly to herself as she read. Meredith bit her lip, having to struggle against the rapidly developed reflex that urged her to move her hand from where it rested at her side towards her own abdomen. She was a doctor. She was used to hearing long strands of vitals and injuries read out, but somehow hearing this in Addison's voice was both grating and overwhelming. She dug her nails deep into her palms to keep herself still, struggling to find a way to appear perfectly normal.

The sound of Derek clearing his throat served to jar Addison from her running monologue of injuries. "You should probably hurry then," he said pointedly. Addison nodded her head, and Meredith's first response was simple rushing relief, before she realized how carefully Derek had to have been watching her. Close enough to pick up on the way she bit her lip when Addison started to speak. Close enough to read the clenching of her fists for what it was. Close enough to put it all together, and know exactly what to do. And then…Meredith wasn't exactly sure what to feel.

"Right," agreed Addison, looking up and snapping the chart shut. "I'd better go." She seemed surprised to see Meredith still standing there, almost immobilized, a strange sort of frown drifting across her face. "Dr. Grey?" she asked, her voice both quizzical and disapproving.

"Uh right…" stammered Meredith, flushing as she too was jarred from her thoughts. She gestured behind her down the hall, adding, "I'm…I'm gonna… I'm leaving too." She shifted uncomfortably, glancing briefly at Derek, but before she could move, Addison was once again speaking.

"No rush Dr. Grey," she said sarcastically. "Take your time." She raised a single smirking eyebrow in her direction before leaning forward, and pressing her lips to Derek's cheek. Once again, Meredith found herself staring intently at the floor, trying to comfort herself with the fact that Derek had frowned and not turned into the kiss, but unable to erase the image of his hand, rising to press gently against the small of Addison's back, from her mind. "See you later," Addison continued, her voice growing soft and feminine as she addressed her husband. And without another word, she was making her way hastily down the hall, her heels pounding out their usual staccato rhythm.

Neither Meredith nor Derek moved until Addison had disappeared around the corner. They both simply stood there; Meredith fidgeting with her watch and studying the ground while Derek stared at her. She felt uncertain, wanting to run away and spare them this for now, yet completely unable to move so long as he was holding her there with his eyes. And so Meredith forced herself to meet them once again. "Hi," she said shyly, her voice a quiet whisper.

"Hi," echoed Derek. Everything felt far more uncertain than it had during rounds, now that the burden of communication had moved to speech. He frowned down at her, asking, "How are you?" The roughness in his voice had softened into something that simply sounded bruised, and it filled her with a strange desire to just start crying again.

"Umm…" mumbled Meredith, pulling her hair down from its ponytail and promptly tying it right back up simply to give herself something to do. "Okay I guess. Good…" She tried out the word, and it felt strange on her lips. "Fine," she amended awkwardly, avoiding his gaze in favor of staring down at the ground. "And, you're…?"

"About the same," he said, looking away down the hall, his eyes somber and heavy lidded. "You know," he added with a shrug. Derek's voice was hoarse and remote, but as he turned back towards Meredith, a flicker of warmth appeared in the blue depths of his eyes and a smile ghosted across his face.

"Yeah…I do know." She tilted her head to the side--first taking in the lonely expanse of bare tile floor between them, before her gaze moved to read the deep lines of exhaustion written in his face. "You look tired," she added hesitantly. It wasn't so much that he looked tired, as it was she knew he was tired…exhausted even. But she had pushed him away, and now she felt adrift and uncertain of her place--as if telling him that she knew he was about to drop dead if he didn't rest soon would be too much…too presumptuous somehow.

But Derek simply nodded his head. "I am," he agreed. "Couldn't sleep."

"Right…me neither." They both looked away--neither willing to mention the reason behind their sudden shared insomnia.

"You should get some sleep," responded Derek at last, protectiveness rushing past the awkwardness to fill his voice. "You know, because of…" He stopped himself before he mentioned their child, finding himself full of doubt. He wanted nothing more than to care for her now--to tuck her safely into one of the beds in the on call rooms, so that the tired veil muting the sharp green of her eyes would fade away. And yet he couldn't. He was suddenly uncertain of how to speak to her, and, for the first time in his life, afraid to touch her for fear she'd think he wasn't taking her request seriously. There was a real line between them now--bold and certain--where before that had only been a suggestion of separation. Derek feared that crossing it too soon would cause her to lose whatever last shreds of faith she still had in him. And so he was waiting…hesitating… _Trying_, he reminded himself.Derek anxiously searched her face, the lack of reply unsettling him.

But then Meredith smiled at him. "So should you," she said. He nodded, looking up as their eyes once again met shyly. It was a look filled with diffidence, as they both danced resolutely around the real issues. Meredith tucked the long strands of her dirty blond hair squarely behind her ears, finding herself confused by the memories of Derek's hands--locked closely with Addison's, and reaching up to press against the curve of her back as she kissed him--and the way in which they conflicted with the current emptiness she saw in him. She felt bowled over by the differences, and forbidden from addressing them. Biting her tongue, she moved to walk away, reminding herself that he couldn't sort his own head out if she filled it with her own worries. "I probably should…go," she said quietly, her heart sinking a little despite herself as he nodded his head.

Derek fought to keep the dejection out of his voice. "Okay."

Meredith began to move with heavy steps down the hall, but before she got far, she found herself caught up in a sudden impulse. It wasn't something she could ignore, despite her fleeting effort to resist turning back around. "Derek?" she called, rotating to find him still standing there at the end of the hall.

"Mer?" he asked, concern and curiosity instantly flooding his eyes.

"Yesterday…umm. At the doctor's…" She was stumbling over her words, and trailed off to chew anxiously on her lip.

"Yeah?"

They were supposed to pretend there was no baby. Meredith knew that, and she knew this wasn't exactly how pretending worked. But for some reason, she couldn't stop herself from continuing. Still, she spoke quickly--her words rushed, with only the barest hint of the unexpected happiness she'd felt yesterday at the end of her appointment shining through. "It went fine. Everything, um…it looks good." Derek just nodded his head wordlessly, his eyes dark and, for once, utterly illegible to her. "Sorry," she continued, her voice rapidly growing apprehensive as a consequence of his silence. "I know I shouldn't…that we're…" She swallowed hard, shuffling a bit as she spoke. "I know I shouldn't be saying things after…"

But Derek had finally found his voice, and he cut her off with a fierce shake of his head. "No… Meredith, _always _say things."

Her eyes drifted upward in response, and she found herself looking up into the first real smile that had crossed his face all day. "Always?" she echoed uncertainly.

His voice was as determined as it had been the first time. "Always."

She nodded her head imperceptibly, sounding soft and hushed as she agreed, saying, "Okay."

"Okay…" Derek's gaze drifted down from her face to hover over her stomach, his eyes shining wonderingly. "I'm glad everything's fine," he added, his voice as quiet as hers.

Meredith nearly choked on her words, nodding much more emphatically this time. "Me too Derek." And then they were staring at each other again--face-to-face--but quickly pulling back to their respective sides of the line they had drawn. Both unable to cross it, they simultaneously withdrew into the painful safety of awkward silence. Meredith tore her eyes from him, glancing down at the pager that hadn't vibrated, searching for an excuse. She had none, but she took a step back anyway. "I…I should go," she said for the second time.

And, once again, Derek made himself agree with her. "Okay."

As if on cue, their faces both twisted into grimaces--sad echoes of smiles that never made it to their eyes. Meredith turned slowly towards the other end of the hall, the end that was empty of Derek. She didn't want to walk away, but they had to do this. As much as she hated it, _she_ had to do this. She could see no other means to finding her way back to believing in him. And so this time, although her feet still dragged, she forced herself not to hesitate. To not turn back…

But Derek stayed where he was, just watching her as she walked away.

-----

_So yeah…that chapter. It was only split up into two parts, but it felt like it had a bunch of little scenes in it to me. (Well, I guess because it did have a bunch of little scenes. That might be a good explanation.) Anyway, Mer/Der first, because we love them. So, this was the first time they'd seen each other since they were in his office, and consequently, they both feel awkward and unsure. They have no idea how to act around each other. It's not so bad during rounds because there they don't have to speak, and they've always had this strong physical connection that they're able to sort of fall back on there. But, as soon as they try to actually interact, they're both hit with the awkwardness and their own doubts. And so they dance around pretty much everything--telling each other to get some rest, but completely ignoring the fact that they're why they can't get any rest, not mentioning Addison at all. In the end, they allude to the baby because Meredith was genuinely happy that everything was okay with it, and coudln't help but tell him. But they never flat out state that there's a baby. They didn't make any rules for how to do this trying thing, and so they're both walking blind and are very hesitant. _

_As for Mer/Cristina, Cristina was being rather blunt and trying to get Mer to see that not telling any of the people she works for that she's going to have a baby for as long as is humanly possible…just might not be the best solution. Because well, competitive and strenuous program could potentially conflict with the whole pregnant thing. So, Cristina is putting that above the whole host of emotional reasons behind Mer staying silent, and is trying to help her see that telling the hospital earlier will make things easier for her. But…Mer? She has Addison issues. Addison intimidates her. A lot. So, she has worked this up into a Very Huge And Also Horrible Moment in her mind, is utterly dreading it, and pretty much trying to convince herself that you know…maybe McWife never needs to know. So yep, to sum up…Mer's not being so sensible here. She's going through some denial, and has flat out decided that nobody can possibly know she's pregnant until Derek decides about the trying thing._

_As for Derek and Derek/Addison. The whole thing with Mer has been stressing him out. To the point that Addison was really starting to worry that he was sick or something was terribly wrong because he can't sleep, he looks like hell, etc… So she nags him about it, but in the end just gives in, because she can tend to give up a lot of ground to Derek. And he? Is miserable. He doesn't really know what he's doing, just that Mer pushed him away and basically said that this is what she needs him to do to fix things. So he's doing it, but not really. He's more just in limbo, currently unable to actually try with Addison. His mind's caught up with Mer, and yet he's apprehensive around her in a way that's entirely new to him. _

_And yeah…apparently I had a lot to ramble about tonight but no good way to conclude the ramblings. Heh… Well, thanks for reading guys, and please review!_


	12. Stone Cold

_So…hmmm…hello again. First of all, thanks to everyone who has been reviewing. I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun writing this story, so it's great to hear that people are enjoying reading it! Now, lots of things to ramble about. Some people have been wondering when the angst shall lessen and brighter days shall appear. Well, to be perfectly blunt, that will uh…not be happening soon. We've got at least another eight chapters left in the story, perhaps closer to ten, so…we must continue to sail through the rainy clouds of angst. Actually, the thunderstorms shall get even a bit worse than they have been before we go play in the rainbow on the other side of the storm. Or something like that. (It's 5 am. I'm clearly no good at rambling weather-as-plot metaphors at 5 am. Or ever, really.) But, my point is, I'm sorry…but things are staying angsty (and getting angsty-er) for awhile. Please…stick with the angst, and don't hate me for it? I promise it will eventually get better._

_Also, about this chapter… It needs a bit of setting up. We are traveling forward in time over a month. Why, you say? Well, let's take a moment to remember the level of sheer Mer/Der awkwardness in the last chapter, and then let's stretch that awkwardness on for over a month. Yes…that's what happened. Mer/Der did the Awkward Avoidance Dance of Painful Looks and Not Much Else for over a month, so we are skipping ahead because the story would be dreadfully long and boring if I wrote all that. I catch you up on the past during the story, so hopefully it should make sense. But, I'm not used to writing large jumps through time like this, so I thought I'd point it out ahead of time. And that's about it for now, please enjoy! _

_-----  
There's nothing like doubt tearing your mind  
To leave you muddle up and blind_  
-----

"Thank you for doing this," said Meredith as she once again shifted positions slightly, finding the curving seat of the exam table to be ridiculously uncomfortable. She tucked her hair back behind her ears, adding, "You know…with the extra work, and the whole staying open late thing."

Josh lifted his gaze from her chart, promptly shaking his head. "Don't worry. It's not a big deal," he said gently, before an ever so slightly crooked grin stretched its way across his face. "Just like it wasn't a big deal the…what's it been? Are we on six yet? Seven?" He frowned thoughtfully and scratched his head with the tip of his pen. "The past six times you thanked me," he concluded, his tone friendly and teasing as he winked at her.

Meredith just sighed and tilted her head back. "I know. I'm sorry," she muttered sheepishly. "I'm just really grateful. I mean…I was so bad about the first appointment. Technically, this should be at least my third visit right? And it's only my second, and…" She trailed off, closing her eyes and chewing anxiously on her lip. She was at the doctor's office by herself at eight o'clock at night, and doing her best to stay calm. It came in unexpected waves--the nerves and the loneliness--but, it was far less intense than it had been on her first visit. And Josh was staying true to what he had promised her then; acting more like just another person than a doctor. He kept up a nearly steady stream of conversation, punctuated with quick grins and a surprisingly warm and friendly laugh, that kept her from getting overwhelmed by the (quite terrifying) thought that she was at the doctor's because she was somehow over three and a half months pregnant. Meredith thought that sounded dangerously close to four months. It _was_ dangerously close to four months. She lifted her head back up, staring down at the bare curve of her stomach. It wasn't anything close to large yet, and was still almost utterly invisible in scrubs and her looser clothing. Still…it was far from the flat board of a stomach she'd been used to. It now pushed out into a low and gentle, but definite, arc. Meredith frowned as she watched Josh scoot forward in his chair, moving to fit the fetal heart monitor around her middle. She closed her eyes again, feeling herself slipping closer and closer towards her tendency to try and imagine how different this would be if Derek were right there next to her, holding her hand. She had a hunch that she would like the fact that her stomach had grown, instead of finding it simply overwhelming. But, before she could get herself too worked up, Josh cleared his throat, the low inviting sound of his voice once again intruding into her thoughts.

"And what Meredith?" he prodded gently. She turned her head to the side, opening her eyes to look at him. He was bent over, fiddling with some piece of equipment connected to the monitor. She couldn't make out what it was exactly. From her position, she could just see the top of his head and the strong curve of his shoulders. She blinked thoughtfully, trying to remember what they had been talking about.

"I wanted to do better this time," she said at last. Her voice was quiet and a little embarrassed. "Only, it seemed like the only available appointments were when I was working." Meredith laughed anxiously, rolling her eyes at herself. "I mean seriously, I must have called and harassed your secretary for an appointment at least eight times the past two weeks."

Josh straightened up, hazel eyes shining with amusement. "I know. She told me," he said smugly, as Meredith's jaw dropped open, her eyes widening in shock. "I think her precise words were that I had a very trying and persistent patient."

Meredith just groaned, pressing the heel of her hand to her forehead. "Great," she muttered. "I'm going to be known as one of those crazy pregnant women." Josh laughed, setting down her chart and shaking his head.

He leaned far back in his chair, folding his arms casually over his chest before answering. "Nah," he said, the laughter still lingering in his voice. "Persistent is a good thing. It's why I told her to go ahead and offer you something later."

"And thank you for that," said Meredith again, still feeling a surge of guilt over the thought that he had come back well after his usual scheduled office hours, simply so that she could squeeze in an appointment after she got off shift.

Josh just raised a hand. "No more thanking me," he insisted. "You're an intern. I was an intern. I know you've probably got some pretty hellish hours." Meredith nodded, wrinkling her nose as she remembered that she had to return to the hospital in just over eight hours. "Besides, I'm on call for labor and delivery in the main wing tonight," he continued. "So, it's not like I can go far from here anyway."

"Okay," relented Meredith. "Still I…" But Josh leaned forward, putting a finger to his lips, and flicking a switch. Promptly growing silent, Meredith titled her head to the side, her green eyes growing wide and wondering. "Is that my…" she stammered, as a soft and steady thumping sound filled the small room. "Is that the…" She shook her head, staring intently down at her stomach. "That's the heartbeat." Her voice came out in a gasp, fragile and filled with awe, as a wide smile stretched its way across her face.

"It is," Josh agreed, sounding slightly distracted as he listened carefully, counting the beats. He was quiet for several minutes, a frown adorning his brow as he scribbled in her chart, and the smile slowly slipped from Meredith's face. She found his sudden silence unnerving next to his usual talkativeness, and the sound of the heartbeat echoing in her ears quickly became overwhelming. "It's strong enough to hear now," he added at last, looking up to see that the wonder in her eyes had turned to worry. "Meredith?" he asked, quickly scooting closer to her.

"It's okay, right?" she asked in a small voice, staring down at the hand she had pressed anxiously against the soft slope of her stomach. She felt as if she had forgotten everything she'd ever learnt about medicine, and was simply lost in the sound of the beating heart, stranded and utterly unable to interpret it on her own. "Nothing's wrong?" she continued as she turned to him, her eyes nearly begging for reassurance.

"Nothing's wrong," echoed Josh in agreement, reaching out and giving her arm a squeeze. "It's well in range. It's got a perfect heartbeat Meredith."

She let her head drop back, a sigh escaping her lips. "A perfect heartbeat," she repeated, a smile once again returning to her face. The sound swung from unsettling to its complete opposite, and she found herself thinking that she had never heard anything more beautiful. "Wow," she whispered, her voice a quiet hush. "Wow…"

"I know. Pretty neat right?"

Meredith just shook her head. "No. Neat doesn't begin to describe it." She opened her eyes again, nearly beaming at him. "I mean…I've heard fetal heartbeats at work plenty of times. I didn't think this would be anything special, but I…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders. "I just…I…" she tried again, finding herself unable to put exactly what she was feeling into words. Raising a tiny hand, she wiped it across her eyes, blinking back tears she hadn't expected to shed. "Just wow," she concluded at last, her voice full of awe. "Seriously Josh, can we please leave it on forever?" He smiled and nodded his head, letting the reverberations continue to fill the room for a little longer, as he finished up the last of the notes to her chart. Meredith closed her eyes again, simply relishing the sound, and finding herself, for the first time, able to keep calm without the help of Josh's voice to distract her from her thoughts.

But finally the machine was turned off and put away. Meredith sat up, swinging her legs slightly as they dangled off the edge of the table. "Once again, everything looks good," said Josh as he reached out a hand, helping her slide back down to the floor. Meredith just nodded happily, the smile brought on by the heartbeat still lingering clearly in her features. "But about those hellish intern hours I know you're working," he continued, his hazel eyes darkening slightly. "Make sure they're not too hellish Meredith. You need your rest too."

She winced slightly, an anxious laugh escaping past her lips. "I'm a surgical intern. Rest isn't exactly a word in our vocabulary…"

"Well then you're just going to have to add it," he said, his voice losing its usual lightheartedness as he frowned down at her. Meredith shifted uncomfortably beneath his gaze, and he quickly relented a bit, his expression softening. "Look, I know you want to keep your job, and do it well," he continued gently. She nodded her head, not saying anything. "And you can. I'm just saying, if you feel tired, don't push yourself too hard. I want you on shorter shifts. Take a break, and sit down for a little. Okay?"

Meredith chewed on the corner of her lip, not answering his question. "What was the heartbeat?" she asked suddenly, toying with the silver chain of her watchband, and not quite meeting his eyes.

"Meredith…" He sighed, shaking his head.

"What was it?" she repeated insistently.

"145," admitted Josh, prompting her to smile down at her stomach, patting it proudly. "But a good heartbeat is not license to disregard everything I just said to you," he added seriously, causing Meredith to blink up at him, surprised by how easily he had interpreted her thoughts. "You know that's not how medicine works."

"I wasn't…" she began, but a disbelieving smirk crossed his face, and Meredith nodded sheepishly, giving in. "I'll be careful," she said, trying to push away the thought that it would be impossible to work a shorter shift when she was still refusing to tell anyone she needed shorter shifts.

However, Josh seemed convinced, because he nodded his head as well. "Alright Meredith," he said warmly. "You can go ahead and change, and I'll see you again in another month." He started towards the door, but turned back, a look of sudden remembrance crossing his face. "Oh, and I'll be doing an ultrasound then. I don't know if you wanted the father to be there for that or not, but I thought I'd give you a heads up in case you did."

"Oh…" said Meredith, her voice coming out in a small gasp. She felt suddenly, unexpectedly bowled over by his words. "Right. Thanks." Without really intending to sit down, Meredith found herself sinking into the chair Josh had been using. She bit her lip, shaking her head slightly, just staring at her hands. Derek came rushing back into her mind with dizzying speed. Derek… Of course she wanted Derek there. However, there was the slight problem that, over the past month, they somehow seemed to have forgotten how to talk to each other. And then there was Addison…the other problem. _The wife_, Meredith mentally corrected herself, completely unaware that Josh was staring at her worriedly.

"Meredith?" he asked, crouching down in front of her. "Is something wrong?"

She looked up, blinking softly as she pulled herself from her thoughts to focus on him. "Wrong?" she echoed in a wavering laugh. "No. No, nothing's wrong. Everything's just…great." She shook her head, laughing again. "Really freaking great." She brushed a hand across her eyes, smiling resolutely at him; trying not to be terrified by the fact that she had absolutely no clue what would be happening between herself and Derek in a month.

"I'm sorry," apologized Josh, remorse filling his eyes as he took in the sudden change he'd caused in Meredith's manner. Propping himself up on one knee, he anxiously searched her face. "I didn't mean to upset you. It's just…a lot of my patients like to make a big deal out of the first ultrasound."

"No. It's okay," said Meredith in a small voice. "It _is_ a big deal. It's just, you see…there's a thing. A thing where…um…it'll probably just be me. Der…" Her voice caught on Derek's name, and she cleared her throat. "Der…Derek and I, we're not together anymore. He's with his wife. Trying. That's the thing…the trying." She glanced up at Josh to find him simply nodding his head, his brow knit into a heavy frown. Meredith wasn't quite sure why she was talking, why she was explaining any of this to a relative stranger. All she knew was that the past several weeks had left her feeling so completely confused and bottled up, that now, the words had just started slipping out. "And I hate the trying," she added emphatically. "Which is stupid…because _that_ was my idea. Although, I suppose that's typical." She shook her head, sounding purely frustrated and overwhelmed. "I have lots of stupid ideas."

"The trying?" echoed Josh, confusion evident in his voice.

"Yes," agreed Meredith glumly. "The trying. With the wife." Her expression changed as the word wife left her lips; her eyebrows shooting straight up as she turned from him, pressing her hand to her forehead. "Great," she groaned. "And now you probably think I'm a whore."

"What? No. I don't…"

But Meredith seemed to be talking as much to herself as she was to Josh, because she didn't wait for him to finish speaking. She simply continued on herself, saying, "It's not how it sounds. It's just…complicated. Seriously complicated. Addison? The wife? He never told me about her. But then she came back, and he chose her, and this…?" She glanced down, waving a hand at her stomach. "Me pregnant? Totally not supposed to happen. I'm an intern. Seriously, who is _stupid_ enough to go and have a baby when they're an intern?" Meredith was speaking very quickly, but it didn't help to hide the fact that her voice had started to tremble. And, while she wasn't exactly crying, tears were pooling in the corners of her eyes. She blinked, and a single drop escaped to wind a telltale path down her cheek. "Well…aside from me, obviously," she continued, quickly wiping away the tear. "Like I said, I have lots of stupid ideas."

"Meredith…" said Josh gently, leaning forward to grab her a tissue. "It's not stupid." She accepted the tissue with a nod, but simply wrung it around her hands, nervously twisting it into a useless rag.

"No, it is," she moaned, before taking a deep determined breath, and trying once again to smile. "But, it's okay. Derek…he's figuring out what he wants, which is good. Slutty pregnant intern or gorgeous wife?" Meredith held her hands out in front of her, as if to create a scale for measuring herself against Addison. She let out a broken gasp of a laugh, looking back and forth between her hands. "Hard choice right?" she added cynically.

"Meredith," tried Josh once again, but she just kept staring at her hands, shaking her head.

"I…uh…when I asked him to try with her, I sort of thought that maybe he would've given up and picked me by now," continued Meredith quietly, turning her attention back to the shredded tissue she was clutching. She shrugged, chewing on her lip, before adding, "But he…hasn't."

And with that, Meredith's voice broke.

She just sat there, very small and shuddering, trying to force herself to breathe so that she wouldn't cry. But the room was already blurring with her tears, and, before she could move to wipe them away, she felt herself being drawn into a hug. Her first instinct was to tense up and shy away--to attempt to pull herself together on her own. However, the arms wrapped around her were strong and reassuring, and so Meredith simply gave in, bursting into tears as her forehead pressed against his shoulder.

"It's okay," Josh whispered softly. "It's okay." His words became a strange sort of mantra, as he didn't know what else to say. He didn't really understand the whole story as it had been told in a sudden disjointed rush. But she was slight and vulnerable, her body shaking almost violently against his, and he wanted nothing more than to find a way to lessen her obvious pain. And so he rubbed her back and let her cry, until finally, Meredith's tears slowed to a sniffling trickle. She took a deep shuddering breath, and lifted her head from his shoulder, reaching up to dry her eyes. "Here," he offered, once again passing her a tissue.

"Thanks," she whispered, moving away to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. In the time it took to dry her face, Meredith calmed down, only to have the feeling of being completely overwhelmed be replaced by a quick rush of embarrassment. "I'm so sorry," she said awkwardly, cringing as she turned back towards Josh. "Apparently I'm not only the patient who tells you way too much about her personal life when you never even asked, but I'm also the one who randomly bursts into tears and ruins your scrubs." She shifted uncomfortably, her face flushing as she offered him an apologetic grimace.

But Josh shook his head, grinning at her. "It's okay," he said lightly. "It just so happens that those are my two favorite types of patients." He winked, and Meredith found herself smiling, almost laughing even. "So no worrying, okay?"

"Okay," agreed Meredith quietly. They stared at each other for a minute, smiles still lingering on their faces, before Josh suddenly cleared his throat.

"I've got to be heading over to L and D, so if you're…"

"Fine," interrupted Meredith, anticipating his question. "Yeah. Yeah…I'll be fine." She moved towards the corner of the room where her bag and street clothes were resting, but looked up to shoot him another appreciative smile. "Thank you though for…" She shrugged, referencing her own tears with a displeased scrunch of her nose. "You know," she concluded.

"Any time."

And then, Meredith was once again alone in the silent room. She took a slow heavy breath before reaching around to unsnap her gown. Her body felt just generally shaky despite the fact that Josh had calmed her down considerably, and she hurried to dig her clothes out of her bag as fast as she could--wanting to keep herself occupied and away from the possibility of returning to tears.

Unexpectedly, she found herself hesitating as she undressed, her eyes lingering on the naked curve of her belly. Not quite sure of what she was doing, but following an impulse, Meredith slowly ran her hands down her protruding stomach. "Hey you," she heard herself whisper, her voice almost inaudible as her hands stilled over her unborn child. "Yeah, you in there with the impressive heartbeat," she added, as her mind filled with the echoing memory of that small steady sound. She smiled and shook her head, linking her fingers together. "Yeah… That was seriously impressive. Your mom's proud of you."

Meredith paused at that--a frown flickering across her face as she realized that was the first time she had truly referred to herself as 'mom.' She glanced anxiously over her shoulder, almost as if she expected someone to pop up and point out that she was being stupid, that she couldn't be a mom. But nothing happened, and her stomach felt surprisingly warm and comforting beneath her clasped hands. She chewed nervously on her lip for a moment, before taking a deep breath, and continuing. "That's me apparently. Your mom." She giggled self-consciously, but lifted her hand, patting her stomach as if to reassure the child within.

"I…uh…I miss your daddy. A lot," she continued, her voice growing small. "You probably do too right?" She closed her eyes, realizing that Derek had missed everything that she had just felt. He had missed sharing in the awe of hearing those low rhythmic beats--the first sounds of their child. The faint smile that had lingered on her face flickered and died, but Meredith swallowed hard and kept talking. "Your daddy has to make a big choice, so that's why we're not around him a lot. Okay? It makes your mom sad to be around him when she can't be _with _him, so that's why we've kinda been avoiding him a little. Well…why we've been avoiding him a lot." Meredith ran her hands back up and down her slightly swollen stomach, her voice dropping to an earnest murmur. "He'd be proud too though…if he had heard your heartbeat. I promise you, he'd be very proud of you. And we're both doctors, so it's pretty hard to impress us with just a heartbeat," she added conspiratorially.

She sighed, suddenly filled with a painful longing to have Derek's hand clasped between hers and the curve that spoke of their baby. "I don't know what's going to happen, little thing…okay?" Meredith smiled wanly, trying to strengthen her voice into something reassuring. "I just don't know. We have to wait for Der…your daddy, to figure out where he'd be happiest," she said quietly. "And...we want him to choose us, because your mommy loves him." Meredith hesitated for a moment to wipe the back of her hand across her watery eyes, before quickly returning it to her child. "You'd love him too. I know you would." She sighed again, adding, "No matter what he chooses though, we'll be okay. Seriously…I promise you. We'll be okay."

But Meredith shivered, and wrapped her arms tighter around her stomach--not quite able to believe her own words.

-----

Derek's fork glided across the perfect white surface of his plate, poking absently at his steak like some petulant child refusing to eat their dinner. The truth was, he couldn't concentrate on his dinner. He could barely taste the food, let alone take in the faint sound of violin music permeating the restaurant, or the way his wife was nearly glowing, awash with candlelight. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing here, taking Addison out to dinner. It had been some stupid idea he had come up with when he'd rolled over in bed to face her that morning, and once again found himself thickly covered by a cold and sickening wave of guilt. He wanted a divorce. He wanted out of this. He wanted Meredith. And yet, he couldn't ask for a divorce. The words seemed to linger continually just behind his lips, taunting him, kept back by the knowledge that, for the past several weeks, he hadn't done the _one_ thing that Meredith had asked of him. He hadn't actually tried to save his marriage at all. At best, Derek supposed he could call it pretending to try, but he knew even that was stretching the truth. He had barely bothered to put up a decent show of pretending; doing nothing but sulking and brooding, taking turns between growing short with Addison and ignoring her all together. It was a strange feeling, as if the ground were slipping away beneath his feet, leaving him overwhelmed and uncertain of how to try when he didn't know how to separate his heart from Meredith for a single second. And so Derek had found himself wallowing in the overwhelmingly painful fact that Meredith didn't trust him anymore. He had lost that--apparently needing to try and save his marriage before it could be pronounced dead--in order to get it back.

In some twisted way, that was at the heart of why he was taking Addison out to dinner. They had loved--well she had loved, he would have rather stayed home--going out to dinner in Manhattan. The fancy restaurants, the frighteningly perfect place settings, the getting ready with the heels and the makeup and the solid hour spent doing her hair… He knew Addie loved this stuff. He used to take her out all the time, back when her smile was at the top of the list of things he wanted to see. And so, Derek had decided that it would be the best way to actually try. It would be the best way to make a real effort to recapture what they had lost. It would be the best way that he could guarantee himself the right to look Meredith in the eye and tell her that he had tried to save his marriage, without having to start their new fragile relationship up again on a lie--on the fact that he had never really tried at all, but simply sulked, and turned inward into his own darkening thoughts.

But here, even with the help of candlelight and a deep blue dress that made Addison's eyes pop like sapphires, Derek couldn't bring himself to try. He avoided her gaze, focusing on his barely eaten meal, as his mind drifted back to Meredith…always back to Meredith. Somehow, unexpectedly, she had turned shy and quiet around him, in a way that only seemed to increase with each passing day. It was as if they had slipped into an awkward rhythm of pretending and avoidance, in which she said only what little was necessary for work. Every time he had tried to coax more out of her, he had found himself cut off with a blunt statement of just how fine she was, and, before he even realized what was happening, she would be disappearing with some sort of excuse or another. She hadn't brought up the baby since that very first day, and Derek tried to comfort himself with the thought that perhaps there simply wasn't anything new to tell. But, he would catch the occasional glimpse of her talking in excited whispers to Izzie, her hand flitting to her stomach before she remembered where she was, and promptly pulled her hand away. And nothing was quite as painful to watch as Meredith pulling her hand away. He didn't want her to be hidden away behind loose sweaters and scrubs, as if their child were some dirty little secret not worth acknowledging. _And that's why I'm trying with Addison_, he reminded himself, although, even in his own mind, he thought the idea was pathetically twisted and convoluted at best. Still, Derek forced himself to look up at his wife, and found her frowning curiously at him

"Derek, are you even listening?" she asked, one eyebrow raised as she studied him over the rim of her wineglass.

He just nodded. "Yes. Of course," he said, an awkward smile stretching across his face. "How's the fish?" He tilted his head towards her nearly empty plate, causing Addison to give him a funny look.

"It's still good," she said. "Just like it was good the last time you asked me."

"Right…" Derek cringed slightly, hiding his discomfort behind a quick grin. "I was just checking Addie," he teased. She lifted her eyebrow even higher this time, but after a moment, laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Okay," she agreed, shaking her head so that the long strands of her hair went swinging--red ends skimming over pale shoulders. Her laugh was a sweet bell-like sound, not as delicate or giggly as Meredith's laugh, but still beautiful. Derek took a deep breath, forcing himself to really look at her…to look at her as if she were someone important. He hadn't looked at her like that even once since she had come to Seattle. As he stared at her, Addison slipped back into telling him some story about work, her voice soft and familiar as it washed over him. After eleven years, the sound of her voice was as perfectly memorized as the feel of a scalpel in his hand, or the taste of a good cup of coffee on a morning that just felt way too damn early. She was comfortingly familiar, he'd have to be a fool to say she wasn't beautiful, and she loved him. Derek had seen it clearly in her eyes when he had suggested going out to dinner. If he was honest, he knew it was written all over her, in everything she did. She still loved him. She was sorry, and she loved him. As Derek watched her talk, he was hit with the sudden realization of just how unfair this was to her as well. The whole thing with Mark in New York…even after that, this wasn't fair to her. Putting it on that sort of a scale made Derek feel sick anyway, as if his child were meant to be a twisted revenge for what she had done to him in sleeping with his best friend. Derek swallowed hard, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Meredith, her child, _their_ child…that wasn't revenge. Revenge felt like something cheap and dirty, while Meredith…to him she embodied something high and golden. Something perfect, even…

And so Derek cleared his throat without even realizing it, cutting Addison off in the middle of her story. "Addison," he began tentatively, his voice low and uncertain. "I have to tell you something."

"Okay," she said, looking up and setting down her fork. She was eyeing him cautiously, her lips pursed. "What is it?"

"Umm…" Derek paused, trying to focus as his mind resolutely filled itself with images of Meredith. Meredith, with her long, usually messy hair falling over her shoulders in golden waves, with her delicate features, and the voice that spoke to him in a low sweet whisper. However, despite his countless memories of her, what came to the forefront of his mind in that moment was the look of total apprehension that welled up in her eyes lately whenever she was near Addison. He could hear her voice speaking adamantly to him, insisting that the last thing she needed was for his wife to know. He tried to imagine her reaction if, the next time she went to work, Addison suddenly knew everything. Addison wasn't exactly _kind _to Meredith to begin with. And, in that moment, Derek's voice caught. He couldn't spring yet another surprise on Meredith. He had done that with the sudden arrival of his wife, and it had cost him her faith in him. Despite the fact that he knew it was unfair to Addison, and that all this trying nearly made him feel physically ill, Derek couldn't bring himself to move without speaking to Meredith first.

"Derek, you're scaring me," continued Addison. He glanced up, taking in how wide and wary her eyes were, her voice trembling slightly with apprehension. And as he stared, he felt his last sliver of resolve slip away. Instead, he shook his head, and moved to assuage her fear.

"You look beautiful tonight Addie," he said at last, his words a mile away from what he had originally intended. Addison shook her head, trying to appear unimpressed, but, as she laughed, her voice was filled with pure pleasure. Derek, on the other hand, felt cold. The sick guilt that he had been longing to get rid of all night came rolling back tenfold. As he motioned for the check, Derek realized that, despite all the various justifications he kept making, he had never felt more like a coward in his entire life. He had left Meredith, alone and pregnant, for over a month for the sake of trying, and yet somehow hadn't tried at all. He was starting to realize that the reality of trying couldn't exist within a world that also held Meredith. Something had to change, but still, there he was…another night with his wedding ring still on his hand.

Derek moved stiffly--pulling out his credit card, helping his wife into her coat, walking to his car--every gesture felt tense and painful. But Addison was still smiling from an evening spent doing more than ignoring each other within the confines of the trailer, and so she tilted her head to rest on his shoulder. "We should stop at Joe's for a drink on the way home," she suggested softly, wanting to stretch the night of candlelight, and her shimmering dress, and a husband who had suddenly remembered how to say charming things again, out for a little bit longer.

He just grunted his agreement--wanting nothing more than the numb forgetfulness he could be promised with a few good glasses of scotch.

-----

_And yeah, now…my thoughts. Starting with Derek, because he's annoying me. Personally, I think Derek is being stupid. He's getting very caught up on the same be a good guy/do the right thing complex that occupied him during the real season two. Meredith asked him to do one thing, to find out what he wanted by trying to save his marriage. And so, he's stayed with Addison to do that, but he hasn't really tried. He's sulked and been miserable over being with Addison and been grumpy and lonely and thought about Mer, and all sorts of things, but he hasn't tried to actually step back and see if what he has with Addison is something he could really miss and regret not having in a few years. That was the one thing Mer wanted him to do, and he knows he hasn't done it. It's a combination of things--simply wanting to be with Mer, feeling hurt himself, just sort of existing instead of putting in actual effort with Addison. And because Derek knows he hasn't technically done what Meredith asked of him, he hasn't left Addison. He wants to be able to tell Mer that he actually tried, and he's frustrated with himself for not being able to bring himself to try, and consequently feels as if he hasn't earned the right to have Meredith back. He's currently a big bag of mixed emotions, none of which are too pleasant. And so, he's taken Addison out like they used to go out, because he feels like he needs to physically do something to try before he can give Meredith an honest answer to the question of did you try. He gets that this whole thing is unfair to Addison as well, and he gets close to just telling her, but he doesn't want Mer to get hit with any other sort of surprise. And so, he delays once again, wanting to talk to Mer first, but…this makes him feel like crap because he knows he hasn't handled this as well as he should of._

_And now Mer. She's been avoiding Derek--both trying to give him space, and honestly just hurt by the fact that he's still with Addison. She…well, in the back of her mind, she had thought maybe it wouldn't take so long. And she's kinda surprised that it has, and doesn't know what to make of that. Derek hasn't filled her in on what's been going on in his mind because they're so awkward and avoid-y around each other lately. She wants to have faith that he's coming back to her, picking her this time, but she's feeling shaken. And she's pregnant. And consequently emotional. And this doesn't make for an easy combination. She's at the doctor's for the second time, and he's still not there. And when Josh brings up the next visit, and she realizes she has no idea if she'll be with Derek then or what…it really overwhelms her. She starts to cry and freak out about it, and good ol' McBabies calms her down. Because the guy is nice and charming, and nice and charming guys know to hug you when you cry. He doesn't quite get all the details, but he listens and is understanding and comforting, which was really just what she needed in the moment. Because her friends, well...we shall see how her friends have been in the next chapter. On a slightly happier note though, Mer's starting to just fall completely in love with her child. She didn't expect the heartbeat to be a big deal, but she found it amazing. While she's hiding the fact that she's having a baby, it keeps becoming more and more real for her. And so suddenly she just started talking to her baby and calling herself mom, even though this wasn't anything that she had planned or particularly wanted. Although she's feeling very overwhelmed, and a large part of why is the baby, that somehow doesn't matter. She's nervous and apprehensive, but, at the heart of it, she just loves her baby. End of story. Still…she wants Derek there for this desperately. So, even when she's happy, there's this undercurrent of sadness to that. It's not easy for Mer, and her mind keeps drifting back to him._

_And yeah, that's about all I've to say for now. Thanks so much for reading this long thing. I should have another update up fairly soon. Maybe tomorrow even. Please review!_


	13. Crash and Burn

_So…let's see. Hello again. First things first, thank you all for the lovely (lovely, lovely) reviews. They are my crack. And, I'm so glad to hear that, on a whole, people are okay with the angst continuing to register at high levels on the angst-o-meter for awhile. You know, before we break out the fluff-o-meter. (Which we shall. I swear. I'll even swear it on Mer/Der's future happiness…which is a lot for an obsessed shipper girl.) Mmhmm…onto this chapter then. It's very long. Part of this is that there's a lot of dialogue, which, well, takes up more space with less words than description does…blah-de-blah…but also I just had a lot I wanted to squeeze into this chapter. Actually, this chapter and the one right before it were envisioned as one chapter when I planned out the story. However, I split them because, seriously…way too much for one chapter methinks. Anyway, they were envisioned as one chapter, which means, this chapter picks up pretty much where the other one left off. Same night, just a tad later. Yep, yep…that's all for now. Enjoy!_

-----  
_If you need to crash, then crash and burn  
You're not alone_  
-----

Meredith had gone home to find an empty house; the kitchen free of its usual baking smells, the low buzz of the television absent, the rooms dim and shadowed. It was empty, and in the half dark and the silence, Meredith found she kept hearing the soft thumping sound of her baby's heart over and over in her mind. And it wasn't that that was such a bad thing--there was something beautifully mesmerizing about the heartbeat. It was just that, when she thought of it there in her lonely house, it swung her mind resolutely back to Derek. And she was so tired of thinking about him constantly. Every time she saw him or thought of him, she had to fight off the urge to gasp in pain, finding herself overwhelmed by the knowledge that he still went home with Addison every night…and was apparently doing nothing to change that. Meredith supposed it was naïve to think he would have made up his mind by now, but somehow, when she had asked him to try, she had failed to realize how truly agonizing all the waiting would be. It left her feeling paper thin, as if even the slightest touch would turn her into this weepy thing, leaving her shredded and useless. And to make matters worse, Meredith hated crying. She had never been one of those girls; the sort to sob during chick flicks or cry for hours over breakups and broken nails. But now, it was as if she had no control over the impulse. Actually, she seemed to have no control over any of her emotions lately, and was continually finding herself spiraling out into hundreds of different reactions…none of which she could ever anticipate. It left her feeling less and less like herself.

And so, when Meredith stumbled upon Izzie's hastily scribbled note informing her that everyone had gone to Joe's, and would be back later, Meredith didn't head up to her room like she usually did. She simply pulled her coat on, and made her way back out to the car to meet her friends. It was what the old her would have done, and as she drove the familiar route past the hospital and towards Joe's, Meredith realized just how much she had missed hanging out with everyone there. She hadn't gone since she had found out she was pregnant--not seeing the point when she couldn't drink. But now, as she pushed open the door to Joe's, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she thought she saw the point. Just being back there felt old and normal, comforting somehow. It seemed like the perfect distraction; the chance to spend an evening doing something other than thinking about Derek. And so she smiled when her eyes finally landed on the back of a familiar blonde head.

Pushing her way towards the rear of the crowded room, Meredith came to a large circular booth where Izzie sat with Alex and Cristina. "Hey," she said, watching as all three of them turned to her with shocked faces--matching raised eyebrows and gaping mouths.

"Meredith?" asked Izzie, confusion evident in her voice. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"

"Of course," answered Meredith, frowning at her. "Everything's fine." She shrugged and tossed her bag down onto the empty seat beside Cristina. Looking around the noisy familiar room, she sighed softly. "I was bored, and I miss hanging out at Joe's. That's all." Izzie scooted over and nodded her head, seeming satisfied, but Cristina just raised an eyebrow.

"Mer, you realize you're in a room designed for drinking, and can't drink?" she asked, smirking up at her friend.

"Hey, Grey has plenty of self-control," said Alex, raising his beer to her before taking a hearty swig.

"Thank you Alex," said Meredith airily, ignoring the fact that his comment had caused Cristina to snort her drink back into her own glass. "I have plenty of self-control. Besides, Joe serves stuff besides alcohol." She pulled on the hem of her coat, before pivoting sharply and walking over to the bar, determined to prove that her idea wasn't stupid. "Joe!" she called, standing up on her tiptoes, and waving as she raised her voice to be heard above the din.

"Meredith Grey!" declared Joe warmly, surprise evident in his voice as he turned around to smile down at her. "It feels like it's been forever. Last time I saw you, I think you gave me a list of fifty reasons why Shepherd's a jackass." Meredith cringed slightly, disappointed to see that, within five minutes, she found herself being reminded of Derek. But Joe just leaned forward, elbows resting on the bar as he chuckled softly at the memory. "What's my favorite intern been up to since then?"

"Oh…not much," she mumbled, shifting uncomfortably and staring down at the floor. "The usual stuff. How've you been?"

"Good," he said with a shrug. "About the same as always. So, what can I get for you tonight? In the mood for your usual poison?"

Meredith shook her head, suddenly feeling more than a little bit ridiculous. "Umm…water," she said in a small voice.

"Water?" echoed Joe as he laughed disbelievingly--taking her words for a joke. "What? You've lost your penchant for tequila? Good one Mer. Let me guess." He shook his head, grinning with amusement as Meredith just gaped at him, anticipating what he was about to say, but finding herself utterly unable to silence him. "Next you're gonna tell me you're preg…" Meredith closed her eyes, feeling as if the world were grinding to a halt, Joe's words coming out in slow motion. Somehow, an unexpected hand came to rest protectively on her shoulder, and the sound of Alex clearing his throat cut Joe off and sent Meredith's eyes flying back open again.

He clicked his tongue against his teeth, his voice low yet friendly. "Joe, I really wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you," he said, his hand still on Meredith's shoulder. Joe was glancing back and forth between the two of them; taking in the look in Meredith's eyes that seemed to fall just short of fear, and the way Alex shielded her defensively. He nodded slowly, realization crossing his face, as Alex stepped forward and passed him his empty bottle and a tall glass. "And I'll have another beer and another of whatever that fruity crap Izzie was drinking is," he added. Joe just nodded again, turning away to fill their orders.

"Thank you," said Meredith quietly, tilting her head up to look at him. Alex shrugged.

"It's nothing. You had the whole deer in the headlights thing going on. I knew somebody was gonna have to save you." He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows, looking rather pleased with himself, and Meredith found herself smiling back as she nodded her head. They waited together in silence for Joe to return with their drinks, and when he did, she looked up at him, her eyes wide and pleading.

"Joe, please don't say anything…" she began, but he raised a hand, cutting her off.

"I'm a bartender, Meredith. It's my job to hear peoples' secrets, and never say them again. For the record though, I didn't hear a word." He smiled reassuringly, wordlessly passing her a water and handing the other two drinks to Alex. Meredith let out a grateful sigh, nodding her head. "But Shepherd," he continued, his voice growing curious as his eyes drifted down to her stomach. "Still making lists about why he's a jackass?"

Alex just snorted, shaking his head and saving Meredith the trouble of answering. "Dude, he's a whole other kind of jackass now." She bit her lip, but didn't comment, simply letting Alex usher her back to their booth.

Meredith slipped into her seat, a frown settling over her face as she rested her chin in her hands. "Joe figured it out," she mumbled, glaring angrily at her glass.

"Figured what out?" asked Izzie unthinkingly.

"Meredith just ordered water," answered Alex, sounding slightly amused over her choice of beverage. "Use your brain, doll face."

"Oh…" she said in gasp of comprehension, before turning quickly to Meredith. "Mer it's okay," she soothed. "Joe can know. We love Joe, remember?"

"I guess," mumbled Meredith quietly.

"Seriously, who cares who knows?" asked Cristina as she leaned back, folding her arms over her chest. "You get that this whole not telling anybody thing is stupid, right?" Meredith just shrugged, pulling her coat off and leaning forward to take a tentative sip through the straw. An awkward silence started to settle over the table, but before it could stretch on too long, Izzie spoke up again. Her voice was forcibly cheerful, and Meredith thought that actually might be worse than Cristina's continually blunt, almost abrasive, attitude towards the secrecy about the baby.

"So…have you talked to Derek lately?" she asked inquisitively, reaching forward to grab a handful of nuts from the basket resting on the table.

Meredith swirled her red straw around in the water, poking at the floating cubes of ice, before letting out a quiet, "Umm…" She shook her head and looked up, smoothing her hair back behind her ears. "Not really. I'm giving him space."

"Space?" echoed Izzie, as she shelled a peanut and popped it into her mouth, dusting off her hands.

"Well yeah," said Meredith with a sigh, resigning herself to discussing Derek for at least a few minutes, despite her resolution to push him from her mind for the night. "Last time I begged him to pick me. And seriously, that worked out real well," she continued dryly, rolling her eyes. She took a determined sip of her water, nodding decisively. "So yep, not talking to him. I am giving Derek his space. He is free to make up his own mind...his own damn decision." Meredith slapped both of her hands down on the tabletop, trying to keep her voice light and level, as if it were nothing to talk about this, despite the fact that even thinking about how he still hadn't decided was painfully overwhelming. "And, if he needs a month to decide?" she continued, shaking her head. "That's fine. Seriously. He can have a month. I can give him a month." Meredith had stopped meeting her friends' eyes, and was simply staring down at her flattened hands, her voice quiet and directed more towards herself than them.

"Mer, you get that it's already been _over _a month," said Cristina. Her voice was brusque and almost bored, and she punctuated her statement by taking a long noisy sip from her drink.

Meredith's head snapped up, her green eyes darkening to a stormy gray. "Cristina," she moaned miserably.

"Look, I just don't get why you refuse to see you deserve better than this," continued Cristina with a shrug.

"Yeah," chimed in Izzie. "He should have to be there to hold your hand, to go out and get you ice cream in the middle of the night just because you want some…all that stuff." Meredith shook her head, turning to look at Alex in the hope of finding some kind of reassurance that she was doing the right thing.

But he just shrugged, and agreed with the others. "You deserve better," he said flatly. "Your kid deserves better. Hell, even the She-Shepherd deserves better." He paused to finish off the rest of his beer in a giant gulp, before adding, "Shepherd on the other hand? He deserves worse. The man's got no balls."

"I just…" stammered Meredith, her face flushing. "I mean…I do want him here. It's just…don't you guys get that this is complicated?" she asked, her voice rising into a whine that was both irritated and a little bit desperate.

"It's not, Meredith," said Cristina bluntly, her eyes as annoyed as her friend's. "He's being a total McBastard to you _and _his wife, and you're letting him get away with treating you like you're nothing. End of story."

Meredith watched as Izzie and Alex nodded in agreement. She knew her friends thought she hadn't exactly come up with the best of plans, but the abrupt onslaught from all sides was devastating. It was hard enough just dealing with being away from Derek, and now it felt as if all of her support were crumbling and falling away from her, leaving her adrift in a mess she didn't know how to solve. She wanted them to stop this. Desperately. Before she quite realized what she was doing, Meredith had slammed her glass down hard against the table, and was glaring at them. "Can you guys just shut up?" she growled, feeling as if she couldn't handle a single second's worth more of criticism.

Her request was met with a sudden shocked silence, and Meredith realized just how angry her voice had come out. She glowered down at the dark tabletop in a haze of mingled shame and frustration, trying to ignore the pointed looks and mouthed words she knew the other three were exchanging. However, after a long minute, Izzie's voice rang out.

"Well, somebody's cranky," she teased, speaking in a low sing-song voice in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension.

But that only prompted Meredith to turn and glare at her as well. "Seriously?" she spat out. "_Seriously?_"

Alex quickly cleared his throat. "So, how've you been other than Shepherd?" he asked, his voice firmly sealing the topic shut. "Cut open anyone good today?"

She almost shrugged and didn't answer, but…it was Alex. He never played the peacemaker. Never. He was the type to sit back and enjoy a good argument, to egg people on to their breaking point, to cause even George to snap. Yet, there he was, trying to help her do something other than scream. And so Meredith shook her head, feeling suddenly numb, but finally managing to summon up a dull version of her normal voice. "Um…assisted on a colostomy with Bailey," she said, keeping her gaze fixed on the tabletop. She felt on edge--wanting to yell at them for not understanding, but, at the same time, not really understanding herself. Part of her knew that she and Derek were going about this backwards, inside out, flipped over, just completely screwed up…but she had to try not to care about that. It was a roller coaster gone horribly wrong; one that made her ill and miserable, and refused to let her off. Meredith was sure of that. She'd started this thing. She couldn't be the one to go to Derek and beg for it to stop. It had to come from him or not at all.

Her comment created a vague ripple of hesitant comments--the others puzzled by her mood and unsure of how to respond. After listening to several minutes worth of nondescript conversation about colostomies, Meredith forced herself to look up at her friends. Their eyes were all still watchful, as if they considered her highly volatile, and Meredith found herself searching for a way to bring the conversation out of its awkward rut. Her mind settled quickly on what had been the only real bright spot in her day, and she smiled at the memory before she even opened her mouth. "I…" she began hesitantly, as all three heads swiveled towards her. "I heard the heart."

"The heart?" echoed Alex, his eyebrows drawing together into a puzzled frown.

Meredith nodded almost shyly. "The heartbeat. The baby's heart. I heard it tonight at the doctor's."

"Aww Mer," said Izzie softly, a matching smile crossing her face. "Was it amazing?"

"Yeah," she said with an embarrassed laugh. "It was…I mean, it was this _real_ beating heart. Inside of me, just…beating and stuff." She shrugged, grinning at the memory. "I've got two hearts."

"The baby thing?" asked Cristina, shaking her head. "It makes you disgustingly smiley." Her voice sounded cynical, but there was an undercurrent of happiness to her words that Meredith had learned to detect by now.

"Good," answered Meredith quietly, wrinkling her nose. "Smiley could be nice for a change." She glanced down to where her hands were folded over her rising stomach, once again savoring the sound she could still remember perfectly in her mind.

"Oooh," gasped Izzie in a burst of sudden recollection, her voice loud next to the peaceful silence that had developed. "How was Dr. McBabies?"

"Um…nice," began Meredith blandly, knowing that that assessment fell far short of the truth. "Josh was nice."

"Wait… First name basis with Dr. McBabies already?" continued Izzie, her eyes shining mischievously. She grinned and flashed Meredith a thumbs up sign, adding, "Impressive." Meredith flushed slightly, and stared back down at the table. The turn in conversation brought back unexpected memories of crying against Josh's shoulder while he rubbed her back, his voice low and reassuring in her ear. She smiled quietly to herself, not exactly sure what to make of that.

"Dr. McBabies?" interjected Cristina. "Who's that?"

Izzie answered eagerly, nearly gushing with excitement. "Mer's hot gynie doctor."

"Seriously Meredith? You've got a hot gynie doctor?"

"Well…" she said slowly, nursing her water. "I guess some might possibly call him good-looking."

Izzie just snorted and shook her head. "Uh…yeah, he is. Dr. McBabies? Tall, dark, handsome." She sighed, giggling to herself. "Seriously hot."

Alex groaned, rolling his eyes as he pushed himself to his feet. "And this is the part where I realize how badly I need another beer," he muttered, making his way over to the bar.

"What was he like this time?" continued Izzie, her eyes bright and mischievous, and barely registering Alex's departure. "Was he all charming again?"

Meredith shrugged. "Kind of…" she mumbled. She supposed that comforting dirty ex-mistresses while they cried could fall under the category of charming, but she didn't really want to debate that at the moment. For some reason, discussing Josh with her friends was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.

"Whoa," said Cristina incredulously, turning to stare at her. "You're blushing."

She spat out her reply instantly. "I am not."

"Ooh you are," interjected Izzie with a laugh.

"I'm not," insisted Meredith, glaring down at the table.

"It's okay," continued Izzie, waving a dismissive hand. "I'd blush too if I were paying someone that hot to sit between my legs."

"That's not the point," snapped Meredith. She didn't understand why she felt so annoyed, but the bitter residue left from the prior criticism about Derek, and now the rapid-fire discussion about Josh, were rapidly filling her with frustration. She looked up--taciturn and not even slightly amused--to find her friends smirking at her.

Izzie just laughed again. "Then what's the point? Was he _too_ charming? Do you have a little crush?"

"Seriously Mer," said Cristina. "A hot doc? Is this why you don't care that Shepherd's still off in the woods somewhere trying with Satan?"

At that Meredith closed her eyes, suddenly feeling as if something within her had snapped. She shook her head, eyes flying back open just as quickly as they had shut. "Okay fine, I have a hot doctor," she said, her voice coming out short and angry. "And yes, he was nice, and charming, and wonderful again. But seriously people, that was not the point here. The point was the heartbeat, okay?" she demanded, her voice rising steadily. "The real freaking heartbeat!" She turned to look at Cristina, her eyes darkening as she added, "And I care that Derek is still with her. I hate it. It's _killing _me to be doing this without him." Meredith pushed her hair out of her eyes, letting out a heavy frustrated sigh before continuing. "But…I asked him to go back to Addison. I practically begged him to…I didn't give him a choice. And so now? I don't have a choice! I have to wait while he does what I _asked _him to do, so can we all just shut up about this already, and talk about the damn heartbeat?" As rapidly as her anger had flared up, it faded, and Meredith found her voice failing. She slumped forward dejectedly, burying her face in her hands as she blinked back burning tears.

"Hey…" said Izzie gently, recovering from the shock of Meredith snapping at them fairly quickly this time. "It's okay Mer. We care about the heartbeat." She reached across the table to squeeze Meredith's hand. "We really do," she repeated, her voice comforting and sincere. "It's okay." Meredith sniffled slightly, before straightening up and taking a deep breath.

"Sorry," she mumbled, feeling instantly guilty for yelling at them again. She didn't understand why she kept getting so upset. Her friends weren't exactly being any different than normal, and yet, Meredith felt as if she were constantly restraining the urge to pick up her glass and just hurl it at the wall. "I didn't mean to…" she began, rubbing angrily at the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. "I don't know why I just went all…" She trailed off, shaking her head and looking helplessly back down at the table. "Seriously. I'm being so mean, and I don't know why." She felt as if she were teetering on the head of a pin, and that the slightest push could send her falling off into a sea of myriad unpredictable emotions.

But Izzie seemed to understand completely, and offered her another reassuring smile. "You're pregnant Mer," she said simply. "It's normal. Consider this your chance to get away with being as bitchy as you want."

"Yeah?" asked Meredith weakly, the slightest flicker of a smile crossing her face.

"Yeah," repeated Izzie, as Meredith turned to look at the silent form of Cristina. She raised an eyebrow, scrunching her face up in the form of an apologetic grimace, but Cristina just shrugged.

"Bitch away," she said, suddenly smiling as she bumped Meredith's shoulder with her own. "I like my friends bitter and angry." Meredith shook her head but grinned happily, leaning forward to take another sip of her water. "But more importantly," continued Cristina. "McFetus has a heartbeat. We are thrilled about this. Seriously." Meredith rolled her eyes, starting to laugh, but the sound was cut short by an unexpected questioning voice.

"Who's McFetus?"

The three women turned to find George standing there, his eyes wide and curious, having followed Alex over from the bar.

"You are, O'Malley," said Alex with a shrug as he slipped back into his seat, new bottle of beer in tow.

"No," said George, shaking his head and frowning down at the rest of them. "You're thrilled about the heartbeat? What…there's an actual fetus?" The three women simply mumbled incoherent responses, prompting George to pout. "You guys all know something about a McFetus, and you're not telling me?" he continued, dejection filling his voice. "Izzie?" he whined pitifully.

She glanced up, biting her lip before blurting out, "Meredith's pregnant."

"Izzie!" snapped Meredith, turning to glare at her as George's jaw dropped.

"I'm sorry," she continued quickly. "But, I had to tell somebody! It's too good of a secret. Besides, it's George. He tells me everything." She was speaking in a great rush, as if hurrying to get in an apology before Meredith snapped and slammed her drink down again. "Ooh," added Izzie after a moment, her eyes lighting up. "Plus Mer, he lives with us, so it was only a matter of time until he knew. I was just speeding up the inevitable." At that she scoffed softly, shaking her head, and shooting George a look that was both amused and a little disdainful. "Although seriously, I'm surprised he hadn't figured it out yet."

"Eh…Bambi's always been a little slow," said Cristina with a shrug.

George seemed to not hear them, simply dropping down into the remaining spot next to Meredith. "You're pregnant?" he asked, his eyes still wide with shock.

Meredith groaned, pressing her hand to her forehead, but nodded her head. "Yeah." His gaze drifted instantly down to her stomach, looking for proof. Her shirt was both a little tighter and a little thinner than usual, and, without her coat on, he could see the definite makings of a round curve.

"Whoa. Yeah you are," he said, reaching his hand out and pressing it against her bump.

She just glared at him, slapping his hand away. "There will be no touching my stomach," she snapped, yanking her coat back on and zipping it up. George mumbled a sheepish apology as Alex snorted in amusement.

"Dude. You got slapped," he said, laughing to himself. "Like a little girl."

"Seriously," agreed Cristina as she reached forward and helped herself to a large handful of nuts. "Be careful Georgie Boy. You don't wanna piss off hormonal Mer over here." Meredith sighed, letting her head fall forward to rest in her hands, suddenly wishing bitterly that she had just stayed at home.

"Seriously George, you can't say a word," said Izzie earnestly, casting a guilty glance at Meredith. "Not a single word to anybody other than us."

"What?" asked George, a slight frown crossing his face. "Why?"

Alex just snorted again. "Why do you think? It's Grey and Shepherd. Clearly they're going to do this in as fucked up a manner as possible." Meredith moaned quietly, burrying her face deeper in her hands.

"Wait…and he's still with Addison?" asked George in astonishment. "Does he…"

"Because it's not our thing to tell," insisted Izzie, cutting him off, her voice still blatantly apologetic.

"Meredith wants to be stupid," added Cristina. "So this is us, supporting her stupidity. Shepherd's a bastard for going along with it. But really, what else is new?"

"I'm sitting right here," mumbled Meredith, her voice muffled by her hand, but still quite clearly annoyed. "I can hear you guys."

George stretched out a comforting hand, placing it on her shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it Mer?" he asked hopefully. Meredith looked up, very nearly snapping at him as well. Instead, she forced herself to take a deep breath, and shook her head.

"No," she said flatly. "I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to talk about Derek. And I do not want to sit here and listen to just why you all hate Derek, okay?" She looked pointedly at the other three of them in turn, adding, "I just want to sit here, and drink my _stupid_ water, and listen to you all talk about your normal, normal lives, and leave mine alone for awhile."

Cristina snorted, shaking her head. "In that case? Whatever you do…don't turn around." Meredith simply rolled her eyes and whirled around in her seat, turning to come face-to-face with the sight of Addison and Derek walking into Joe's together. Meredith swallowed hard, willing herself to just turn back around before they saw her. But before she could, as if he had the ability to sense where she was, she found her eyes locking with Derek's. His expression was one of complete and utter astonishment, but he nodded his head slightly in her direction, as she spun back around to face her friends.

"Just…fuck me," cursed Meredith, her voice broken and heavy. "I can't handle this tonight. I cannot watch them be all _them_ together right now," she continued, shaking her head. She slumped down towards Cristina, who slung an unexpected but comforting arm around her back, pulling her into a hug. She sighed and stared down at the messy tabletop, but Izzie was sitting up tall, straining to follow Addison and Derek with her eyes.

"Why are they so dressed up?" she wondered aloud, taking in Derek's dark suit and the blue of Addison's dress that shimmered like water under sunlight whenever she moved.

"I don't know," muttered Meredith. "To torture me?" She straightened up in time to catch Addison heading past their booth and towards the bathroom in the back, the slit in her dress shifting slightly as she walked to reveal occasional glimpses of long slender legs. Alex let out a low appreciative whistle once she'd vanished, which earned him a hissed reprimand and an elbow in the ribs from Izzie. "It doesn't matter," said Meredith, waving her hand absently at the two of them. "We all know that she is hot. She is hot, and I am…" She trailed off, staring down at her concealed stomach. "Fat," she concluded bitterly.

"No…you're very beautiful…" stammered George, but Meredith didn't hear him. Her attention had followed Derek on his path to the bar, watching as he leaned forward to order something from Joe. She sighed softly despite herself. Somehow, even in a suit, there was something slightly unkempt and unrestrained about his appearance. She had always loved that about him--as if there were something in him that was inherently rugged, and simply refused to fold within normal constraints. A part of her--the same part of her that tended to ask "Addison, who?"--wanted to push George out of the way, and just walk over to Derek. But that part of her was very small, because Addison really was just a door away. She had watched her walk in on his arm, and Derek was ordering two drinks, one for him and one for his wife. And that was hard to forget. It made the small part of her that could have possibly handled speaking to Derek just shrivel up and fall away. She now wanted nothing more than to get away from the sight of him waiting for his wife. Hell…she'd climb under the table if she thought it would help. But before she could even think to move, Meredith found herself blinking in utter disbelief. Derek had set the drinks Joe had handed him down on the counter, and had once again sought her eyes out through the crowd. He was walking with deliberate steps straight towards her table. Meredith clenched Cristina's hand without even realizing it, and strangely, Cristina just let her hold it without comment.

Derek wasn't exactly sure why he was walking towards Meredith. His feet started moving before his mind had fully formulated a plan. He knew it was odd to come up to her now, when she was clearly out with her friends, and when they had spent well over a month dancing large awkward circles around each other. But that didn't seem to matter. He kept walking. All he knew was that she was there, sitting with her hair all aglow like ribbons of gold despite the dim lighting. It was the last place in the world he'd expected to find her now that she was pregnant, but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like some sort of perfect coincidence…like fate, even. They had met here at Joe's, and now, on the night when he suddenly felt as if he wouldn't be able to breathe if he wasted another minute apart from her…there she was. It was his chance to fix everything he hadn't been able to do in the restaurant. He wasn't the sort of guy to believe in signs, but this, this seemed like a sign. It seemed like something undeniable. With every footstep, Addison became something more and more distant--he forgot that she had only gone to the bathroom, or perhaps he simply didn't care anymore. All Derek knew was that each step brought Meredith closer and clearer to him, and that that was what he wanted--to go to her, to be _free_ to go to her. And by the time he had made it to her table, he had decided. Well, he supposed that he hadn't technically decided. He had always known that he wanted Meredith. But now that phantom desire had crystallized into something concrete. Now he wanted nothing more than to tell her that he was going to put an end to all the hiding, so as not to miss another moment with her and their growing child.

However, the decision in his heart had yet to find an eloquent path to his mouth.

"Meredith," he began quietly as he reached the circular booth where the interns were seated. Instead of being greeted by the usual warmth of her smile, he found himself suddenly faced with four pairs of unfriendly eyes, while Meredith's remained focused on the table.

"Hi," she said, still without looking up, her voice very soft and flat.

"I…uh…didn't realize you'd be here," he continued, slightly taken aback by her reluctance to even meet his gaze. At that, Meredith _did _lift her head, her usually bright green eyes a steely gray as she looked at him.

"Yeah well…" She shrugged, jerking her head towards the bathroom. "Sorry if I'm interfering with your date."

"What?" asked Derek, raising his eyebrows in genuine shock. "No. It's not a…you're never interfering," he said with a grin that failed to make her smile. She was staring emptily up at him, and Derek shook his head, trying to lessen the hurt in her eyes, and explain that he couldn't care less if Addison saw them together. He had simply been surprised to see her here. "It's just…Joe's?" he continued, gesturing around the crowded room. "A bar? I didn't know you came here now, since you can't…"

"Drink?" snapped Meredith, cutting him off, and Derek found himself wincing at the wealth of anger in her voice. "Yeah. I know that, thanks. I can't absorb the alcohol by osmosis Derek. I'm here to spend time with my friends, and Joe actually will serve water if you ask him." She felt unusually fragile, and she turned away from him once more, not understanding why he was doing this. It felt painful enough waiting around while he sorted out what he wanted; trying not to mind that he never made even the slightest mention as to how things were going with his marriage, but simply left her continually wondering in the dark. But to have to suddenly try and have some sort of civilized casual conversation with him after over a month of silence, when he was so clearly on a date with his wife… Meredith closed her eyes, finding it close to unbearable.

"That's not what I meant," said Derek, glancing around at the other interns. They had all grown utterly silent, and were looking back and forth between the two of them as if this were some sort of tennis match. He wished that they would leave already, and let him talk to Meredith…to explain to her that he couldn't even pretend to try anymore. That he wanted to talk to Addison, and call this whole stupid charade quits. But none of her friends seemed to show even the slightest inclination to give them some privacy, and when Meredith spoke again, her voice was deathly quiet.

"I don't care what you meant," she said, taking a deep breath and turning to face him, her eyes raw and injured. "Right now…can you please just go away?"

Derek simply blinked at her in astonishment. "Meredith…" he began, unable to keep the hurt out of his own voice. "Can we just talk first?"

"We _are _talking."

"I know, but…privately?" he asked, his voice growing hopeful. Meredith looked at him disbelievingly, unable to imagine what he could possibly want to discuss when his wife was probably mere seconds away from returning.

She tilted her head slightly towards the direction of the bathroom. "I wouldn't want you to keep Addison waiting," she said cooly, making her voice as distant as possible in an attempt to numb the pain inherent in what she was saying. And it was then that Derek realized she didn't have even the slightest intention of getting up.

"Meredith…" he tried once more, casting another glance at the other interns, hoping that perhaps they would relent instead and grant him a minute of privacy with her. However, their eyes were all dark and occasionally spiteful--none of them about to move without a sign from Meredith, who was giving them no such indication. "Mer…please," he asked again, still blindly hoping that they could somehow end all of this hurt tonight, despite the fact that Addison was just around the corner, and there was no logical means for them to have this conversation in the middle of a bar without causing some sort of scene.

Meredith shook her head imperceptibly, setting her glass down on the table with a heavy thud. "Derek, don't." She felt herself once again teetering on the verge of too many emotions, and she bit her lip hard to keep from bursting into tears. "Just go," she hissed, her voice wounded and angry, and rising slightly as she spoke. She saw the sudden burst of pain she caused in Derek through the darkening of his eyes, but even as she wanted to reach out and soothe it away, her mind swung back to the memory of Addison walking by in her sparkling fabulous dress, and she felt nothing but confused. They stared at each other for a long time; Meredith unable to find further words to get him to understand that she felt too overwhelmed at the moment to have any sort of conversation, and Derek completely unwilling to admit to a second failure that night by walking away from where she was. A tense and heavy silence settled over the table, as they seemed to argue with their eyes alone, until Izzie finally spoke up.

"Seriously Dr. Shepherd," she said, her voice full of a determined cheerfulness that her friends recognized instantly as fake. "She's very moody tonight, so you probably should just leave her alone right now." Meredith rolled her eyes at that, but didn't bother to contradict her.

Derek nodded slowly, still not seeming inclined to leave. "Okay. But Mer…just for a moment, can we," he began, but Meredith let out a small pitiful moan, feeling unexplainably close to tears, and he found himself suddenly interrupted by Alex.

"Just stop," he said, his voice low and clearly angry. He looked pointedly at Meredith's slumped form, her eyes dark and veiled, her chin propped up with her hands. "You're hurting her. How are you not grasping that whatever it is you want to say to her? It will have to wait. She can't handle it right now. She asked you to leave." Alex had stood up from his seat to glower at Derek, adding, "So try for once in your life to be something other than a total jackass to her, and let her be." Izzie reached up, pulling on Alex's sleeve as she whispered at him, aware that, regardless of everything going on, the man in front of them was their boss.

But, despite the sudden glint in his eye, and the urge to perhaps punch Alex, Derek nodded his head and stepped back with a terse, "Fine." He turned once more to Meredith, his eyes drinking in exactly what Alex had just said--she looked crumpled and bruised, as if she were hovering on the verge of tears. Derek wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, and to fill her with promises that wouldn't break this time. He wanted to be the one to make her whole, but her friends were like a wall around her, refusing to grant him entry. They were utterly impenetrable, and he knew that he should admire their devotion to her, despite the fact that it currently stood in his way. They had been there for the past month when he couldn't say the same for himself.

Derek sighed heavily, realizing that it would have to wait a day. _It can wait a day,_ he reassured himself silently. Tomorrow would bring work for the both of them, and within the walls of the hospital, they could find a moment of privacy. He could have his chance to make things right tomorrow. Despite the fact that waiting any longer sounded bitter to him, Derek finally resigned himself to it. Still, his eyes lingered on her for a long time, his voice growing infinitely gentle as he said, "But Mer…whenever you're ready, I think we should talk." She just nodded weakly, not meeting his eyes. And so, with a final curt nod to the others, Derek turned and walked away. He intercepted Addison on her way back from the bathroom, and within a few minutes, they were walking back out towards the parking lot, leaving their drinks untouched on the bar.

When they had vanished, Meredith simply moaned again, feeling utterly shaken and unable to properly process all that had just happened. She leaned forward, her forehead coming to rest against the tabletop. "Derek wants to talk to me," she murmured, her voice low and almost lost beneath the din of the bar. "That could be a good thing. Except he now goes on really fancy dates with Addison."

"With Satan," corrected Izzie, and Meredith let out a snort of laughter that sent a strand of her hair fluttering.

She shook her head, wincing slightly as she rolled against a discarded peanut shell. "Yes," she murmured. "Fancy dates with Satan. So…do people tend to divorce over five course meals…or trips to the opera…or whatever they were doing…you know, celebrate the divorce?" Her question was filled with a thin strand of hope, but it was met with replies that, while equally hopeful and encouraging, were decidedly vague and uncertain. "Yeah," continued Meredith tiredly, still laying on the tabletop. "Probably not. People tend to have sex after fancy dates though." She lifted her head up ever so slightly, looking at her friends out of one eye. "Oh god, I hope they're not having sex right now," she said, almost more to herself than the others. She let her head drop back onto the table, letting out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob, as she covered her eyes with her hands. "This was stupid," she muttered. "This whole thing… It's so stupid."

"Glad to see you're finally coming around to my side," said Cristina, and Meredith let out another dejected laugh that trailed off into silence. None of the others said anything, but simply sat there, watching her.

"I miss him," she added at last, unable to stop the words from slipping out despite the fact that she had just refused to talk to him, and was sure they all hated Derek. Meredith bit her lip, trying to brace herself for the barrage of insults she was sure would follow. But instead, she only felt four different pairs of hands reaching out--ruffling her hair, squeezing her arm, pulling her into an awkward sort of hug.

"We know," came the reply; four voices somehow blending simultaneously together. And then Meredith finally straightened up, pushing her hair out of her eyes as she blinked back unshed tears, fixing a determined smile on her face.

She could do this. Whatever tomorrow meant, whatever talking to Derek meant, she could do this. Because, in spite of everything, she had the four people in front of her to hold her up. Meredith looked in their eyes and she saw it written there.

They weren't leaving her alone.

-----

_So phew…I feel like this chapter went all over the place in terms of Meredith and her emotions. Let me ramble about her then, as it was primarily all about her. She starts off fairly optimistic, wanting to distract herself from her problems and just sort of pretend that everything is like it used to be in her old normal life for awhile. However, there's so much that she is avoiding and refusing to deal with, that it ends up not being that easy to go back to being her old self. Because well, she's hiding the fact that she's pregnant, and both George and Joe find out in the same night. She's worked the whole secrecy up into this enormous thing in her mind, and so the more people know about it, the less control there is over the secret, and that really unsettles her. And then, she's got her friends. Personally, I love the group of interns. Because, well, they're there for each other. And Mer is currently their weakest link, the one needing the most protecting. And so, they basically circle the wagons around her. It's strongest when Derek shows up because, by now, they all pretty much think he's an ass. (Yeah, George was a bit out of the loop. But come on, he's always out of the loop.) Still, even while they unquestioningly stick by Mer and are loyal to her over her whole plan to not tell anyone, they think she's doing the wrong thing. And they let her know it…perhaps a little more bluntly than Mer can put up with right now. Because…she knows they're right. She knows she's turned this into a giant mess, but she doesn't know how to get out of it without asking Derek for it to end, which she refuses to do. So, she's stuck in it, and they're also none too kind to Derek. On the one hand, she's plenty mad and hurt thanks to him. But on the other, she's utterly in love with him…so hearing her friends just bash him? It hurts her. And, on top of all that, she's got Izzie and Cristina teasing her about McBabies. Which wouldn't be so unusual save for the fact that she just spent her earlier evening crying on the guy's shoulder, and suddenly, she doesn't take their teasing so well. _

_So, in the end, she gets upset several times. She's got her friends ganging up on her in an attempt to get her to stop being stupid, and she's already feeling overwhelmed, so she goes off on them. More than once. And feels guilty about that too, as well as frustrated over her own inability to react the way she used to. She's moody, and sick of crying, and is just exhausted from all of these emotions that she's unable to predict or control very well now that she's pregnant. So, by the time Derek gets there, her plans for an evening of being old Meredith have completely fallen apart, and instead she's just feeling raw and overwhelmed. And then he's with Addison. And they're dressed up, and it's too much for her. She can't think of what he could possibly have to say to her while he's in the middle of some fancy thing with his wife, and is just too emotionally drained to bring herself to get up and walk away from the support of her friends despite the fact that what Derek wants to tell her would be just what she's been dying to hear. Mer's so overwhelmed by this point, that she can't even believe in that as a possible scenario. And so she clings to her friends, and they're there to catch her._

_And Derek…he finally made up his mind. But then went on to be a blunt and blustery manly man, all I want to talk to Meredith. I want to do this now. Now, I say! And really, that? Not so sensible. He's in the middle of a bar, his wife is just around the corner, Mer is close to falling apart. It would make a huge scene to say the least. And he gets completely shot down by Mer's friends, especially Alex who has a brotherly vibe towards Mer, and just can't stand the way the guy has been treating her, and is once again putting his need (to talk to her) above her very obvious need to just be left alone at the moment. And you know, Der needed a wee bit of a yelling at. So yep, that was that. Hmmm…this was a freakishly long ramble. I do apologize for the sheer length of the ramble! And thank you so much for reading, hope you guys enjoyed! _


	14. Succumb to the Pull of Gravity

_Sooo…new chapter. First of all, a friendly word of warning about this chapter. (If you don't want to be warned, just skip down to the next paragraph of me rambling, or…you know…skip straight to the story. Heh…) Anyway yes, because I personally hate anticipation when followed by disappointment, I thought I'd point out that this chapter is not the chapter I think a lot of people wanted. You know, the post-Derek-decision thoughtful, profound and loving conversation between Meredith and Derek about what they've been doing, what they're going to do, etc… This chapter? Is not that. At all. That is coming up before too long, however…if that's what you're hoping for…you may hate this chapter a teensy bit. Or you know, a very large bit. Who knows? I suppose we shall have to read to find out. (Have I built up the angst suspense to suitable levels yet? Hee...I hope so.)_

_Anyway, yes…a few other things to point out. Well, one thing to point out, really. My story picks up right before the Thanksgiving episode in the actual GA world, and while it's clearly an AU from that point onward, we are in the same general seasonal area. My point is that Christmas is referenced in this chapter. We passed Christmas at some point during that long sad month and a bit where Mer/Der weren't really talking, and it didn't get its own lovely chapter because well…it would only serve to depress the story further and not move it forward. However, it's currently sometime in January, and someone makes a comment referencing Christmas, so…just so you're not all and say what about that…it happened. The story simply flashed past that. Oh and obviously, it was an AU Christmas. Not the same one from the show…well, except for Izzie's Izzie-ness. Because seriously. The girl loves herself some Christmas._

_And yeah, that's about it. Thanks again to everyone who has been following this story. And, extra double thanks to those of you who've been kind enough to leave reviews. I love my reviews with a ridiculous unhealthy love, and so thank you, because ridiculous unhealthy loves are clearly the best sort of loves. That's all for now, enjoy! _

-----  
_And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross  
And if you do, you wake completely lost_  
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Meredith felt as if she had spent the entire morning swinging back and forth between a shaky sort of anticipation and utter apprehension. Every time she rounded a corner or walked onto an elevator, she was half expecting to see Derek there, and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. She supposed that whether or not she was okay about talking with him really depended entirely on what he wanted to talk about, and the fact that she didn't know for certain what that was had fixed her to a swinging pendulum of extremes--flitting back and forth between hope and anxiety. Either way, they hadn't yet crossed paths In fact, the elevator she was on was curiously empty, for which Meredith was grateful. It allowed her to slump against the back wall, as she tried to balance on one foot and slip the other out of its shoe. She sighed as it was finally released from its constraints, reaching a hand down to rub its aching arch. As if to complement the shifting feelings over perhaps finally talking with Derek, her body had suddenly decided to feel unbearably sore. She felt as if she had been working twenty hours instead of just six, or perhaps had spent the night on the floor instead of in her bed. Moaning quietly, she arched against the wall, and moved her hand from her foot to her lower back. The dinging sound of the elevator arriving at its destination pulled her from her stretching, and Meredith straightened up with a sigh, giving a self-conscious pull to her scrub top. As she shuffled off the elevator and onto the floor, it wasn't Derek she found herself face-to-face with, but rather a familiar yet unexpected sight. Standing just past the elevators was a tall man in dark jeans and a leather jacket, frowning in confusion at one of the convoluted hospital maps posted on the wall.

"Josh?" called Meredith questioningly as she walked the few steps over to where he was standing. He straightened up in surprise, smiling when he caught sight of her.

His voice was warm and friendly. "Meredith."

"What are you doing here?" she asked curiously. She had been afraid that it would be awkward to see him again after bursting into tears in front of him the night before, but his easy smile instantly destroyed that possibility. Meredith ran a hand through her hair, suddenly smirking as she looked up at him. "Are you stalking me?" she added, her voice light and amused.

Josh grinned and shook his head. "Well, I'm here for two reasons," he said. "The first is a favor for a friend of mine who works here. He's doing research on preeclampasia, and has been hounding me to give him my opinion on the paper he's writing." He paused as Meredith nodded thoughtfully, and shot her another grin. "The second reason is, of course, to stalk you." Her murmur of understanding and agreement contorted into a surprised gasp at that, and she shook her head, laughing at him.

"Good, good," she answered at last, rolling her eyes. "I've always wanted a stalker."

He just laughed in response. "No actually," he continued after a moment, his voice growing serious. "The favor for my friend could've waited another day or so, but I was hoping I might run into you."

"You were?" asked Meredith in astonishment, her eyes wide and puzzled.

Josh shrugged. "Well yeah," he said simply. "I wanted to see how you were doing. You seemed pretty shook up last night."

"Oh…" Meredith flushed slightly, and looked down at the ground. "Yeah…I was, I guess." She gave a small half shrug, fixing a resolute smile on her face as she glanced back up at him. "I'm good now though," she said determinedly. "I'm fine."

"Right. Fine… That's good," said Josh, nodding his head as if in agreement. He paused for a second before raising an eyebrow. "Know what a good rule of thumb amongst doctors is?" he asked, and Meredith just frowned, confused by the sudden change in topics.

"Umm…no," she said, shaking her head.

"Our patients like to lie."

Meredith laughed disbelievingly, once again shaking her head at him. "That would be a _statement,_ not a rule," she corrected airily.

Josh shrugged, a smug smile playing across his face. "Maybe," he agreed. "But it's true."

"It's not…" began Meredith, only to find his warm hazel eyes darkening incredulously. "I'm fine," she spluttered, but found herself quickly giving in under his expectant look. "Okay, maybe I'm not fine," she admitted grudgingly. "But, I _am _better than I was yesterday."

Josh nodded slowly, saying, "Fair enough."

"Yeah…" Meredith spoke softly, her voice trailing off into silence. They both looked down, staring at the floor that stretched between them, until she suddenly cleared her throat. "I go crazy like that all the time now," she admitted with a frustrated sigh. She wrinkled her nose, rolling her eyes at herself, as she added, "I'm this freaking emotional wreck."

"Hey, it's okay," said Josh reassuringly, taking in her worried expression. "That can often happen when entering the second trimester."

Meredith suddenly bit down on her lip at his words, glancing over her shoulder at the not exactly empty nurses' station a few feet away. "Don't say that," she hissed in a low voice.

Josh just laughed, grinning at her. "It's not the end of the world Meredith. It should balance out after awhile. Consider it just an unfortunate side-effect of being pregnant, and don't worry about it so much."

Meredith shook her head, her eyes serious as she repeated, "Don't say that," her voice growing more and more uneasy. She took him by the elbow, quickly pulling him off the floor and into the far more secluded stairwell. By the time the door closed behind them, Josh looked positively bewildered. Meredith sighed and let go of his arm, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "You haven't told anyone here," she began apprehensively.

"Told anyone what?" he asked, his brow drawn into a heavy frown.

"That I'm pregnant," she muttered in a low voice. "Have you told anyone here that I'm pregnant?"

Josh gave her a funny look. "Well no," he said. "I'm not allowed to just randomly discuss your medical history."

'Oh right," gasped Meredith, wincing visibly. "I knew that. Crap." She turned and shot him a forcibly cheerful smile. "Never mind. We can go back outside now." She headed quickly towards the door, but Josh didn't follow.

"No," he said slowly. "Wait a minute. You're hiding something."

Meredith's response was immediate, and visibly flustered. "I don't want to talk about it." As she stayed still, staring at the door, a look of shocked realization crossed his face.

"Jesus Meredith," he muttered. "Nobody here knows, do they?"

Meredith shrugged apologetically. "_Some _people know," she said in a small voice.

"Meredith," began Josh with a frustrated sigh. "You work in a hospital--long demanding hours in a high stress environment. Often in potentially dangerous situations. How do you expect to…" His voice trailed off as he took in the closed off look in her eyes, and the way she was staring pointedly at the floor. "You're not going to listen to a word I say, are you?" he asked quietly. Meredith didn't meet his eyes or open her mouth to speak, but she gave a small shake of her head. "Is this because of the whole…" He waved a hand through the air, and Meredith grudgingly looked up.

"Long sobbing story I told you yesterday?" she muttered, taking in his frown. Josh nodded, prompting her to nod in response. "Yep," she said bitterly.

He ran a hand through his hair, his expression softening along with his voice. "You realize people will have to find out eventually?"

"Yes," snapped Meredith, her eyes flashing and her voice suddenly sharp. "The key word being _eventually_, not now." She appeared to be on the verge of storming away, but instead slumped down to sit on the stairs, her head falling forward to rest in her hands.

"This is really upsetting you, isn't it?" he asked quietly. Meredith nodded without lifting her head. At that, Josh sighed and simply sat down on the stairs as well. She didn't move to say anything, and so for a long time, they sat a few steps apart in silence. He was frowning and staring down at the floor, his eyes flickering between frustration and compassion. "You do understand that, physically, it would be better for both you and your baby to tell people sooner?" he asked at last. Once again, Meredith's only response was a nod of her head. "Good," he continued, scooting up to the step she was seated on. He reached into the deep pocket of his leather jacket, pulling out a rumpled plastic package of gummy worms. "Here," he said simply, after wordlessly ripping the bag open and tilting it towards her.

At that, Meredith finally looked up, fixing him with a puzzled frown. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"They're good," said Josh--as if that were enough explanation--reaching into the bag and helping himself to a handful. Meredith's hand twitched slightly towards the direction of the candy, but remained resting in her lap. Instead she raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"You don't want to continue making me feel guilty with your stern doctor lecture?"

Josh shrugged. "I could," he agreed. "But I can already tell that you're determined not to listen to anything your doctor says. So, have some." He tilted the bag once more in her direction. "Right now, you look like you could just use a friend." Meredith smiled forlornly, but reached her hand into the offered bag, pulling out a single worm. It tasted surprisingly sweet, and did wonders to relieve the aching pain in her stomach that had been reminding her that she hadn't eaten since five that morning. Her smile brightened slightly, and she stretched her hand out again, grabbing a larger handful. They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes as the tension within her body gradually lessened.

"I didn't realize the doctors of Mercy West endorsed such healthy food choices," said Meredith at last, an unexpected smirk playing across her lips.

"Shocking, isn't it?" answered Josh, leaning forward and grinning at her. Meredith just laughed and nodded, her gaze drifting from him down to the floor. As she ate, her eyes landed on his socks, and she let out a snort of disbelief.

"What is it?" asked Josh curiously.

"Nothing," said Meredith quickly, shaking her head but grinning widely. "It's nothing."

Josh just frowned at her. "No, it's something. What is it?"

"It's just…your socks," admitted Meredith with a sudden giggle. He looked indignantly down at his feet.

"What is wrong with my socks?"

"Nothing," repeated Meredith. "They're…uh…cute." She grinned at him again, but Josh was still looking slightly put out, and so she moved to explain. "It's just," she began, waving her hand. "You're this fancy doctor, who works in a fancy office, and is wearing this fancy coat. And…" She leaned forward, taking another look at his socks and wrinkling her nose. "You're wearing what I think are argyle Christmas socks, with what appears to be some sort of reindeer or squirrel-like creature on them." Meredith giggled, and shook her head. "I mean…seriously?"

Josh let out an amused bark of a laugh. "Reindeer _or _squirrel?" he asked disbelievingly.

Meredith shrugged, her voice light and blithe. "Well I was going to go with squirrel, but they're red and green, so I figured I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. Throw a reindeer in there."

"Right, right," answered Josh, nodding as he chuckled softly to himself. "I happen to be horrible at doing laundry, and my mom sent them as a Christmas present so…" He looked up, smirking at her. "Thought I'd be a good son, and wear them at least once." Meredith found herself smiling and nodding in response to his explanation, reaching forward to grab some more gummy worms. There was something nice and freeing about just sitting on the stairs with someone who wasn't so deeply entrenched in the mess her life had become as her usual friends. She thought she might actually be feeling something close to happy, or, if not happy, at least reasonably content for once.

"How was your Christmas?" she heard herself asking, wanting to extend the comfortable conversation on for a little bit longer.

"Oh," said Josh, groaning and shaking his head. "I actually spent it delivering several babies."

"You had to work," said Meredith sympathetically, and he nodded. She looked down at her shoes, shrugging her shoulders. "I wish I had worked on Christmas," she mumbled.

"You got the day off?"

Meredith nodded and wrinkled her nose. "Surprisingly."

"And you'd rather have worked?" continued Josh, sounding more than a little disbelieving.

She just nodded again. "It wasn't exactly a great Christmas." She looked up in time to catch the inquisitive light in his eyes.

"Why?" he asked gently, prompting her to shift uncomfortably and stare back down at the floor.

"This has the potential to be another long sobbing story," warned Meredith quietly, half expecting him to turn away. However, Josh just grinned at her once again.

"It's okay," he said lightly. He ran a large hand down the smooth black leather of his sleeve, smirking proudly. "My coat happens to be waterproof." At that, Meredith found herself laughing, the words to her story somehow coming easily to her lips.

"It was just a crappy day. Izzie…she's my roommate. My roommate who thinks you're cute, by the way," she added, the information slipping out before she realized exactly what she was saying. Meredith hesitated and turned to look at him. Josh had flushed slightly, an embarrassed smile spreading across his face, but he nodded for her to continue. "So yeah, Izzie," she resumed awkwardly. "She was baking all of this gingerbread. I mean seriously, just loads and loads of gingerbread. I used to like gingerbread. But apparently, the baby hates it." She wrinkled her nose at the memory, glancing down at her stomach. "The smell was all over the house, and I could barely go out of my room without getting sick." She shrugged and glanced at Josh out of the corner of her eye, adding, "It didn't exactly make for a great day."

Josh frowned, his expression curious. "How come your roommate with the questionable taste in men wouldn't stop with all the gingerbread?" he asked as a slight smirk curved the corner of his lip upwards.

Meredith laughed and shook her head. "I didn't ask her to," she admitted with a shrug. "Apparently, Izzie really likes Christmas." She scrunched her face up as she remembered the overwhelming experience that had been the holidays with Izzie, adding, "A lot."

"Ahh," said Josh thoughtfully.

"Yeah," continued Meredith. "She really wanted to make this gingerbread house…palace…thing. So, whatever. I wasn't exactly in a mood to celebrate anyway. And so, I cried a humiliating number of times over the fact that Derek was having Christmas with Addison, and watched bad TV in between rounds of rushing to the bathroom to throw up." She raised her eyebrows sardonically. "It was fun. Seriously."

Josh laughed in response to her expression, but as the laughter faded away, his eyes turned thoughtful. "You're really hung up on this Derek guy huh?" he asked, his voice surprisingly gentle.

Meredith shrugged, smiling weakly. "Well, I'm having his baby," she said quietly. "I think that tends to happen." She turned to look at Josh, but his eyes were expectant, prompting her to continue. "It's just…with this whole waiting thing," she stammered, shaking her head. "And Addison. I mean, how am I supposed to compete against Addison?" That earned her a very puzzled frown from Josh, and Meredith sighed, pushing her hair out of her eyes as she looked at him. "She's just…really great Josh. I mean, it's like when you're a little girl, and you're dreaming about what you'll be like when you grow up…you don't think of someone like me." She gestured down at her wrinkled scrubs and scuffed shoes, unconsciously raising a hand to smooth her tangled waves. "You want to be someone like her. Gorgeous. And _tall_," she added longingly. "And she's intelligent and put together and stylish…you know, not plain at all. Striking," continued Meredith, laughing awkwardly. "I get exactly why Derek married her. Seriously…I'd marry her if I were him." She looked down again, fidgeting with the scrub top that was thankfully still just loose enough to hide her stomach. "Plus," she added glumly. "She has the benefit of not swelling up to freakish proportions within the coming months." Meredith looked away, staring at the floor. She didn't like thinking about how, at the core of it, it was her against Addison. It was intimidating…to say the least.

Josh just let out a heavy sigh, turning to study her slouched form. "Frankly," he said, his voice blunt and sincere. "The guy's an idiot if he doesn't want to be with you."

Meredith turned to look at him--eyebrows raised in disbelief--and as she did, she realized just how close they were sitting. She shifted self-consciously, glancing quickly back down at her hands. "Seriously?" she asked, her voice unusually soft and embarrassed, secretly a bit ashamed over how desperately she wanted to believe him.

"Seriously," he agreed, his voice low and warm. But once again, Meredith looked away. She stared resolutely at the white tile of the stairs, unable to simply accept what he was saying.

"Clearly you haven't met Addison," she said dryly, folding her arms across her chest.

Josh's reply was instantaneous, and as ingenuous as before. "I don't need to." He reached out, turning her face with his hand, and forcing her to meet his eyes. "Meredith, you're a beautiful person," he said quietly.

As he spoke, the air between them seemed to change somehow. Before either of them fully comprehended what they were doing, Meredith had tilted her head up towards him as Josh leaned forward, their lips meeting halfway. It was soft and warm--as comforting as their conversations--the sort of kiss a person could melt into. However, it didn't pull on her very soul the way Derek's mouth upon her did, and as her mind drifted to Derek, she instinctively tensed away slightly. The sound of a door slamming shut somewhere far above served to jolt them the rest of the way out of the moment, and they pulled apart, both blinking at each other in astonishment.

"Did we just kiss?" stammered Meredith softly, disbelievingly.

Josh nodded, looking as surprised as Meredith felt. "I think so," he said.

Meredith frowned instantly, turning away. "Oh no," she groaned, holding her head in her hands. "That was wrong…that was bad. That was very bad."

"Well thanks," said Josh with a laugh. "There's _nothing_ a guy likes to hear more than that."

"No," said Meredith quickly, her eyes still wide with shock. "It was a good kiss. Seriously good. It's just…I'm in love with Derek. I shouldn't be…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders, unsure of how to finish her sentence.

"It's just that we shouldn't be kissing," said Josh gently, and she nodded at once.

"Yeah," said Meredith, feeling a rush of relief as she realized he seemed to understand. "We shouldn't be," she echoed.

"And you are my patient," added Josh with a grin, as if it were an afterthought. "I really shouldn't be kissing my patients." Somehow Meredith found herself able to laugh, and she shook her head, smiling at him.

"Seriously?" she teased. "They encourage us to kiss our patients over here."

He laughed as well, but his expression quickly grew serious. "I'm sorry if I…I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It just sort of…" It was the first time she had heard him speak so uncertainly, and he eventually just trailed off, his words cumulating in a shrug.

"Happened," supplied Meredith softly. "It just sort of happened."

He nodded his head. "Yeah."

"Yeah," she agreed. They frowned at each other for a moment before simultaneously turning away, staring down at the floor until the silence threatened to turn awkward. Just before it reached that painful point, Josh cleared his throat and looked back up.

"Can I ask you something? Something personal," he said cautiously. Meredith looked up and wrinkled her nose, but nodded.

"Sure, why not," she said with a shrug. "We've already kissed, so…"

Josh smirked softly before speaking. "This Derek…you light up whenever you say his name. But he's the reason why you're so miserable. Right?"

Meredith sighed and shook her head, realizing Josh was asking her to explain what her friends had always accepted as being due to the fact that he was her McDreamy…whatever that meant. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to find a way to put it into words that were more meaningful. "I don't know," she began, simply thinking aloud. "It's just that he's Derek. And yeah, he makes me miserable sometimes, but he's only able to make me so miserable because he can also make me _so_ happy."

Josh raised a single smirking eyebrow. "That happy, huh?" he said with a sudden grin. Meredith laughed, and shrugged her shoulders, looking down at her hands.

"Look…I was never that girl," she continued quietly. "That big relationship girl. I didn't need that. I didn't want that. I didn't think anything was missing. But Derek…" She sighed and looked up at Josh, her face flushing and her fingers fidgeting nervously with her watchband. "He made me that girl. He made me want all of that. It was like…finding a piece of yourself that you didn't even realize was missing." She grimaced at her own words, shaking her head self-consciously. "And seriously," she continued. "I know that probably sounds like a really crappy piece of high school poetry, but it's true. He's worth all the pain and the waiting. He's worth everything because…" She trailed off, utterly at a loss for how to keep explaining the strange all consuming thing that was her feelings for Derek.

"Because he's the one," supplied Josh at last. And Meredith frowned but nodded her head, figuring that they might as well fall back on a cliché for this. It was impossible to sum up just how badly she needed him in a sentence. At least, not one of her own.

"He said he wanted to talk to me," she volunteered after they had sat in silence for awhile. "So…maybe that's a good thing." Her voice was tentative and uncertain, and she could feel Josh's eyes turned upon her.

"Except what?" he prodded gently, once again surprising her with how easily he seemed to grasp her mind.

"Except I'm terrified," she admitted in a small voice, somehow finding it easy to admit things to him. "Sometimes blindly hoping is better than finally knowing." She laughed anxiously, her hands wound tightly together. Meredith squeezed her eyes tightly shut, knowing that that was at the heart of the apprehension that filled her as she rounded every corner. If she talked to Derek, if she finally truly talked to him, she would have an answer. But, if the answer wasn't her, she honestly had no idea what she would do…how she would manage to be okay. She slowly opened her eyes, looking up at Josh, who had risen to his feet.

"Nah Meredith," he said with an easy shrug, almost as if they were talking about something as insignificant as the weather. He reached down, helping her to her feet as well. "If you love him as deeply as you seem to, you just need to know. Then you can stop doing all this to yourself." He didn't say what _this _was, but Meredith knew instinctively that he was referring to the endless hiding--the carefully crafted web of secrets and halftruths that she was carrying her child in. And she nodded, knowing as well that he was right.

"Yeah…" she whispered, her voice almost lost even within the silence of the stairwell. She looked up, staring into the warm swirl of his eyes, and somehow, that seemed to fill her with a determination she had been missing. "I need to know," she agreed. He nodded as well, smiling softly down at her. "So…um," continued Meredith, wrinkling her nose. "Are things going to be all weird between us now?"

"I don't think so," he said thoughtfully, before a grin flashed across his face, and he asked, "Why? Were you hoping for weird?"

"Of course," answered Meredith with an amused smirk. "Completely screwed up is my speciality." They grinned at each other, simultaneously shaking their heads, before Josh motioned vaguely towards the door.

"I should probably go see my friend."

"Yeah, yeah," agreed Meredith softly. "And I have patients I should go, you know…doctor."

He nodded, and, with one last smile, they went their separate ways.

-----

Derek sighed heavily as he headed away from the OR, pulling off his scrub cap as he walked, and dropping it aimlessly onto the counter of the nurses' station as he passed by. He reached up, running a hand through his flattened hair before moving on to rub his tired eyes. He had spent his whole morning in surgery repairing a subdural hematoma, which, normally, wasn't a bad thing. There was something oddly satisfying about fixing bleeding brains. However, this morning, every moment in the OR had been a struggle. He had felt as if he were at war with himself; having to fight to keep his mind on the open skull flap before him and not on Meredith. _His_ Meredith. His beautiful pregnant Meredith. Derek shook his head, suddenly realizing that he didn't even know if she had gotten any bigger yet. He supposed that she had, but whenever he saw her, she was always in a coat or hidden beneath the loose fabric of scrubs that had never seemed to come in a size quite small enough for her. Still that didn't matter now, he reassured himself, because soon, he would know for certain. Last night, falling asleep next to Addison had been unbearably awkward, especially after whisking her out of Joe's with only the vaguest most incomplete of explanations. But then, there was always something uneasy about going to bed with Addison--something that felt intrinsically like cheating on Meredith, despite the opposite truth told by their wedding rings. And, Derek knew in his heart that it was time to fix things. That strange fragility he had seen in Meredith at the bar had been frightening. Whatever that was…it hadn't been there when they had been together before. Then she had had this shining resilience, this…glow. It had saved him--that quality in her that made her Meredith. She had saved him from reeling blindly after everything with Addison and Mark, and she hadn't even realized she was doing it. And that intrinsic hope or strength or…Derek didn't know exactly how to describe what it was. All he knew was that he hadn't seen it in her last night, and he wanted nothing more than to see it within her again.

He glanced down at his watch, relishing the moment of relief as he realized he had over two hours before his next surgery. Derek wanted nothing more than to get some food, and, ideally, run into Meredith. To talk to her, and set things right. Spotting the near swarm of several gurneys and a few nurses waiting for the elevators, Derek pushed open the door to the staircase instead, quickly checking his email on his BlackBerry as he hurried down the stairs. He had barely made it half a flight when the trilling sound of laughter--soft and bell-like--stilled his feet. Derek smiled to himself, knowing the voice instantly. It was Meredith's voice, her laughter, the gentle murmur of her speech. He couldn't make out what she was saying or to whom; their voices sounding low and mumbled. However, that sweet curving sound…that was her voice. Derek closed his eyes, savoring both the sound and the fact that he had found her so quickly, that she was merely a minute or so away from where he now stood. Curiously, impulsively, he opened his eyes again, leaning against the banister in the hopes of catching a glimpse of her.

And, in that moment, he swore his heart stopped.

Meredith was seated far below him on the stairs, her knees drawn up close to her chest. Derek could only see her profile--her face nearly shielded by the wall of her loose wavy hair--but she was turned towards a man he had never seen before in his life. He couldn't decide if that was better or worse than recognizing the man. All he knew was that he instantly hated him. Because _he_, whoever he was, had his hand cupped around Meredith's face, drawing her closer to him. Derek watched numbly as she tilted her head upward slightly, bringing her mouth to his. They moved slowly, leaning into each other as if savoring the moment, and Derek felt his blood grow bitter. He oscillated violently back and forth between utter disbelief and blind rage; disbelief that Meredith, his Meredith, was sitting there carrying his child and kissing some other man, and a sort of concentrated pure anger at the thought of another man's hands and lips upon her. His own hand clenched instinctively into a fist as the blue of his eyes turned a deep inky black. Derek found himself possessed by the sudden desire to walk down the remaining steps to where they sat, and pull that bastard off of Meredith. His fist twitched again, fingers curling inward. And, in some distant part of his mind that could still process a thought more complex beyond pain and fury, he knew that if he went down there, he'd be punching that man--whoever the hell he was--without even a moment's hesitation.

But, before Derek could take another step, his pager went off--vibrating insistently at his side. He cursed and yanked it from his scrubs, glaring at the tiny screen as he found himself forced to turn away. With one last disbelievingly look at the sight of Meredith in someone else's arms, he walked back up to the landing, letting the door slam loudly behind him as he exited the stairwell.

Derek wasn't sure how he made it down the hallway without bowling someone over. Or, perhaps he bowled several people over, and was simply too caught up in his own mind to realize it. Either way, Derek didn't care. All he knew was that he felt sick. The image of some other man kissing Meredith seemed to be burned into his mind's eye, and it left him feeling violently ill, sick at even the recollection of someone else's mouth upon hers. And so, when he made it to the patient's room, he nearly snarled at the waiting nurse.

"What?" he asked, his voice hard and blunt.

The nurse blinked at him in surprise, briefly taken back by the disappearance of his usually charming demeanor, but after a moment, she nodded and answered his question. "Your patient Mr. Bennigan, post op from this morning's surgery, started having grand mal seizures..."

"Started having?" interrupted Derek as he pushed past her through the doorway and into the room beyond, his eyes coming to settle on an empty bed and a wealth of disconnected tubing. "Where's my patient?" he snapped, finding himself easily irritated as he whirled back around to face the stout nurse. "Why was I paged to a room without a patient?" he continued, his voice rising as he tried to keep from thinking of what could easily still be going on in the stairwell.

"Your intern took him up to CT already," she answered, her hands instantly moving to her hips at the tone of his voice. His intern. _His _intern…Meredith. His intern was Meredith. But no, that couldn't be right. Meredith couldn't be up at CT. She was apparently too busy kissing other men.

"Who?" he spluttered, his voice still hoarse and angry.

"Your intern," repeated the nurse, looking at him incredulously. "Dr. Stevens. She assisted you in the surgery this morning…has been monitoring him since." She spoke slowly, as if she possibly questioned his sanity.

"Oh, right," he agreed, his mind gradually coming around to grasp a thought beyond that of Meredith. "On whose orders?" he barked after a moment--finding it easier to simply remain angry.

"I don't know," said the nurse, already walking back out into the hall. "I think the resident…said you couldn't operate again without the CT anyway." Derek nodded reluctantly, knowing that much was true. "Dr. Stevens called down a few minutes ago," she added, glancing up over her shoulder at him. "She said the new scans show some bleeding that didn't present in the earlier ones, and she wants you to come and take a look."

Derek just shook his head, glaring at the woman disbelievingly. "In that case, you could've paged me straight to CT," he snapped, before pivoting sharply and walking away.

While Derek had thought his first surgery of the day was difficult to get through, it was nothing compared to the sheer agony of his second. His hands moved as if on autopilot, summoning the required instruments out of memory and instinct, and not via actual thought. His thoughts…his thoughts were a mile a way from the cool crisp concentration he usually found within the OR. They were dark things, with raw angry edges, burning within with unanswered questions. Izzie shot him occasional displeased looks out of the corner of her eye, no doubt leftover from his brief conversation with Meredith the night before. And, each time she did, Derek found himself biting his tongue to keep from blurting out the demand to know whether or not Meredith was seeing someone. Izzie would surely know, she was one of Meredith's closest friends. If Meredith were seeing someone… Derek shook his head disbelievingly; finding it utterly impossible to believe that Meredith would be dating someone else now. She was pregnant and she said she loved him…the two realities didn't add up. But the possibility of her just kissing some strange man in a stairwell--as a random freak occurrence--that failed to make sense as well. And so he seethed his way through surgery; flickering between anger and pain, frustration and disbelief.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon that Derek finally saw her. She was leaning against the far counter of the nurses' station, drumming her pen absently as she went over a chart with George. Their heads were bent close together in concentration, and Derek found himself scowling as he watched her. Eventually Meredith glanced up as she sensed the feel of his gaze upon her, and her eyes met his. Her eyebrows instantly raised as she took in the dark frown scrawled across his brow, and she leaned forward, saying something to George. Moments later, George's head had raised too, and the interns were soon muttering to each other in low voices. Derek forced himself to look down at the paperwork in front of him, but the words seemed to swim; somehow contorting in his mind into the image of that man with Meredith. The next thing he knew, she had walked around to where he stood, her hands shoved nervously into the deep pockets of her lab coat.

"Umm…hi," she began, her voice soft and tentative. Derek just gave a terse nod in response--suddenly not able to trust himself to keep from yelling if he opened his mouth to speak. They were surrounded by people; a whole nurses' station just swarming with nurses and interns and residents, all jostling each other for computers and stacks of patients' charts. It was the last place he could possibly want to start yelling…not that he ever wanted to yell at her. She was Meredith, afterall, and the better half of his mind was telling him that yelling at her would accomplish nothing save to make himself feel even worse than he already did. And yet, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were blazing, and it felt as if it were requiring every ounce of willpower within him to just remain standing there calmly. "So," she continued at last, a slight undercurrent of hope pulsing through her words. "You wanted to talk to me?"

Derek turned to look at her; taking in the delicate lines of her face, and the way she was frowning at him uncertainly. Her mouth was parted slightly, tongue flickering nervously across her lips. The images that small gesture summoned within his mind made his stomach twist, as he once again found himself overcome with the desire to punch whoever had been kissing her. He couldn't do this now, not without snapping at her, and Derek found himself shaking his head. "Not now Meredith," he managed, the words forcing their way out past his clenched jaw.

Meredith's puzzled frown deepened, and she shook her head, winding one of her loose waves around her finger as she studied his face. "I thought you wanted to…" she began, but her voice trailed off as she leaned forward, looking up into his eyes. "Are you mad at me or something?" she asked disbelievingly, taking in the tension in his features.

Derek had gone back to glowering at the papers in front of him, but at that, he looked up. "Why would I _possibly _be mad at you?" he asked, his words a crystal clear indication of the opposite truth.

She sighed, seeming to have no idea, but after a moment, a flicker of possibility appeared in her eyes. She twisted around, her back against the counter as she propped herself up with her elbows. "I'm sorry about last night," she said quietly, her eyes still searching his face. "I was a mess. Seriously, I'd already yelled at my friends too many times to count. And then Addison was there, and it just felt weird, and…" She trailed off, scrunching her nose up into her usual apologetic pout. Derek felt the warmth of a faint flickering smile pass through him at that, however, it failed to make it to his face. "I'm sorry," she added again.

He gave a jerking nod of his head. "It's fine," he said tersely.

"Well no," disagreed Meredith, perfectly aware that his demeanor hadn't changed in the slightest. "It's clearly not fine." The pale green of her eyes seemed to shiver and grow infinitely uncertain as she just stared up at him, looking more than a little bit hopeless and lost.

"We can talk about this later," Derek repeated, his voice low as he gathered up the papers scattered in front of him. Meredith blinked disbelievingly as he added, "Now is not the time." He wanted time to think, to clear his head--to find a way to be something other than angry, other than utterly and completely jealous. And so, papers collected in his arms, he turned wordlessly to go.

"Wait, Derek," began Meredith, her voice now just purely puzzled. "What are you doing?"

"Working," he snapped, turning to fix her with a heavy glare, his mouth caught up in a thin line. "This is a hospital. _Occasionally, _people actually do work here Meredith." He felt caught up in a sick and angry knot of jealousy, and it sent him turning away from her again, his legs taking long deliberate strides--impossible for her to match--down the hall and towards one of his waiting patients.

But Meredith didn't even try to follow. She simply stood there and watched him walk away, her eyes wide and uncomprehending. "Seriously?" she muttered disbelievingly, and, although she failed to notice it, her lip trembled as she spoke.

-----

_So…ho hum…cue the innocent whistling. I feel a tad guilty after writing this chapter. Anyway…I have thoughts. I have lots of thoughts. First of all…my Meredith thoughts. So, she starts out still very apprehensive about talking to Derek because she honestly isn't sure what he wants to say. And so, in the middle of her nervousness, she runs into Josh. And…um..hi, yes, they kissed. Might as well get that out of the way. Because he is charming and nice and gorgeous, and was there for her when she was sad, and, whether they flat out admit it or not, they have cute teensy crushes on each other. And, he was comforting her and saying wonderful things, and well, saying such wonderful things to Mer can often lead to inappropriate sexual thoughts (Umm…mind-numbing horror that was MerGe anyone?) However, she's pregnant, so is in a very different place in terms of that than she might otherwise be, and she's essentially waiting for Derek and in love with him, and besides, Josh is her doctor. So, they both kinda pull away in surprise over what happened, and know that it's not really the sort of thing that can happen between them. But, aside from that moment, he's just someone that Mer is able to easily connect with as a friend, and she can say things to him easier because he's not so heavily embroiled in the mess that is her life. And, that ends up helping her realize that she should stop thinking that not knowing what Derek wants is better than knowing what Derek wants, because all the not knowing and the secrets etc.? Not so healthy. And yeah…I must say I like writing Josh, so hopefully you do not all hate him. I get to write him as charming as I want, which is fun, because, as I said, he's relatively free from this mess. So, he gets to be charming. Unlike Derek, who is currently too caught up in all this to be as charming as we know he can. _

_And yeah, that brings us to Derek. So, this is very much a case of really bad, crappy timing. He sees only enough of what happened between Meredith and Josh to assume the worst, and spends the rest of his day sort of (hotly) fuming and being angry and confused and jealous. Very jealous. Because, it doesn't make sense to him. He can't comprehend why Meredith would possibly be kissing someone else. And well, he was ready to break his wedding vows for her, which is a pretty huge thing to him, and he sees her with this other guy and is now just utterly confused over what she was doing, and beyond jealous that someone else was with her. (And he hates Josh btw. Obviously.) So yep, when Mer comes to talk to him, part of him wants to talk to her and find out what the hell that was. However, he's still seeing red, and deep down he knows all he'd be able to do is yell at her right now. And he doesn't want to yell at Mer, especially not when she's pregnant. So, he holds himself together as best he can, and the effort of doing so makes him act strange and sound like an ass. And he storms off to keep himself from yelling at her, but…we shall see how that goes, because Derek is a yeller. Especially about things he cares about. And so yeah, the Mer/Der Secret Baby Conspiracy lives to see another day…because… Well, just because that's the way it goes in my plot, I suppose? (Although, the Conspiracy does not have too many days left in it. I promise. It also has a fun ending. Seriously. I think it's fun, however, I'm easily amused. By myself...which is...sad.) _

_And yeah, that's about it. Thanks for reading. I think I rambled long again…sorry about that. And thanks again! _


	15. Wage Your War

_So, first of all, new episode of Grey's tonight! In like…less than an hour. I must say this here because my family sadly hasn't shown proper excitement over this…despite the fact that I've told them numerous times. Which is dumb…perhaps they haven't realized that GA has both Meredith and Derek in it, and is therefore possibly one of the most perfect shows ever? Sadly, they think I just watch just for The Hair. (And The Hair does play a role. Of course. But you know, there's more. Like um…the occasional shirtlessness of Dempsey?) Heh…anyway, I'm excited, and…what else? Oh yes, I'm also happy that most people actually kinda liked Josh, and…you know…weren't going to kill me over the kiss. That was a nice relief. Anyway, also very glad people enjoyed the chapter. Thanks so much for the great reviews. They make me want to keep writing and writing, so thank you so much. It's very encouraging!_

_Anyway, this chapter is another move forward in time. But a much smaller leap than the over a month leap from a few chapters ago. This an about a week or so leap. Because, you know, we need to get to the good stuff. So, enjoy!_

-----  
_I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed  
I could do most anything to you_  
-----

"So seriously," muttered Cristina as she walked down an empty hallway of the hospital with her friend. "Just give it up already, and tell me."

"Huh?" asked Meredith, frowning in confusion at the sudden change in topic away from surgery. "Tell you what?" She raised an eyebrow, tilting her head to the side. "What are you talking about?"

"Shepherd," said Cristina bluntly, and Meredith winced at the name. She looked away, pulling her hair up into a ponytail--delaying her answer long enough to ensure that her voice would sound reasonably close to normal when she spoke.

"There's nothing to tell," she said stiffly, giving a self-conscious tug to her scrub top. For some reason, it had started feeling curiously tight over the past week…much more so than before, as if her stomach had grown enough to start straining against the fabric in new places. She pulled her lab coat even closer to herself to compensate, not wanting to contemplate whether or not that meant she would soon look too pregnant to be hidden by scrubs.

However, Cristina failed to notice her fidgeting, and simply rolled her eyes. "Oh please," she said smugly. "You always have something to tell, and I always find out. _Always_. So just, save yourself the trouble of wondering when I will, and tell me already."

"Tell you what?" repeated Meredith, her voice carefully innocent.

"You know what," said Cristina impatiently. "What's been going on with you and Shepherd? You haven't said a word about him since Joe's. Something's going on. Why all the dark and angry looks?"

"It's nothing," murmured Meredith, still fussing with her clothing. "There's nothing," she continued slowly, stretching the words out. "Nothing to tell. Nothing to talk about. Just nothing, okay?"

Cristina sighed and shook her head. "Seriously Meredith," she said as she stopped walking and turned to look at her friend. "Stop being purposely dim. It's unattractive."

Meredith simply shrugged her shoulders, and turned away from Cristina. "I don't want to talk about it," she muttered at last, chewing on her lip. And that was the truth…she didn't want to talk, or even think, about how strange things had become over the past week. Everything between Derek and herself had twisted from strange into something that was utterly incomprehensible. She couldn't figure out what was happening even when she deliberately sat down and tried to make sense of things, and so, she avoided thinking about it as much as possible. She shut it off in a far back part of her mind, and simply let it fester there, leaving the rest of her free to somehow make it through each day.

"Ah…so there is something to talk about," crowed Cristina, obviously pleased with herself. "I knew something had happened."

"No. Nothing happened," snapped Meredith, Cristina's insistent questioning finally causing her own bottled up frustrations to start coming out. "Nothing at all has happened. That's part of the problem. It's like him saying he needed to talk to me never even happened. Seriously…He's practically ignoring me. I have no idea what's…" However, her voice trailed off abruptly in the middle of her rant, her scowl flickering and slowly falling away to be replaced by something curious and wondering. Cristina pivoted around, walking back to where Meredith had frozen in place.

"Uh…Mer?" she asked, frowning as she peered at her friend. Meredith didn't seem to notice her, but simply stood there, eyes widening slightly. Her hand lifted up, hovering just above her stomach, and the corners of her mouth twitched upward slightly. "Are you okay?" continued Cristina skeptically, glancing down at Meredith's hand and then up to take in her dazed expression. "Is something wrong?"

"No…nothing's wrong," said Meredith quietly, her voice a near whisper. Her smile brightened, and she seemed to tear herself away from wherever she had drifted to, because her eyes suddenly focused sharply on Cristina. "It moved," she added in a low amazed voice.

Cristina's face contorted into a frown. "It moved?" she echoed.

Meredith nodded excitedly, unable to keep from grinning. "It_ moved_," she repeated, jerking her head down in the direction of her stomach.

"Oh…" Cristina's voice was a sudden gasp of comprehension. "McFetus moved." Instinctively, Meredith glanced over her shoulder up and down the length of the hallway, but, finding the corridor still completely empty, she nodded her head again.

"It did," she agreed, her voice soft and wondering. "I thought I'd felt it move before, but I wasn't sure. Only this time? This time, it definitely moved." She ran her hand down the growing curve of her stomach, desperately wanting to feel that slight fluttering motion within herself again. Cristina just frowned as she took in Meredith's eager smile and the peculiarly bright expectant look in her eyes.

"Okay, here's the deal," she said with a groan, pulling a hand through her tangled hair. "You want us to be all glowy and have a moment? Fine, but you will owe me." Meredith simply nodded, her eyes still trained on her stomach. "What did it feel like?" asked Cristina grudgingly.

Meredith swayed back and forth slightly, her lips pursed together as she contemplated the question. "Like wings," she decided at last. "Like I'd swallowed a hundred butterflies."

"If you'd swallowed a hundred butterflies, they would be dead. Or you would be gagging. They wouldn't be fluttering about and beating their wings magically inside your stomach," said Cristina practically, earning a scowl from Meredith.

"Ruining the moment," she hissed, scrunching her face into a displeased frown.

Cristina simply rolled her eyes in response. "Right. Sorry," she muttered. "McFetus feels just like hundreds of magical butterflies. Fantastic. I'll be sure to remind you of that when you're in labor," she added with a smirk. However, Meredith had returned to grinning down at her stomach, and was nearly oblivious to what Cristina was saying. She shook her head, holding out a hand to stop her.

"It's moving again," she murmured excitedly. "A lot." She ran her hands lightly over her stomach, finding it easier to pick up on the feeling now that she had realized exactly what it was.

"Oh no, next you're going to want me to feel it," moaned Cristina, making her voice sarcastic despite the slight smile that was tugging on the far corner of her mouth.

"Umm…I don't know if you can," said Meredith thoughtfully, frowning as she pressed her hand more carefully against herself. "I'm not sure if it's strong enough…" She shifted her hand slightly as she spoke, her lips pursed together, and her green eyes growing gray and contemplative. "Wait…" Her hand stilled, and she nodded slightly, beckoning for Cristina with her free hand. "Here. Tell me if you feel anything."

"Seriously?" asked Cristina as Meredith snatched her hand, pressing it against the round side of her stomach. "You're supposed to save the rub-my-belly-like-I'm-a-freakin-Buddha sessions for Tinkerbell and Bambi only."

"Oh shut up," snapped Meredith lightly. "You're ruining the moment again, remember?" She laughed, rolling her eyes at Cristina as she finally gave in, her expression turning thoughtful. "Feel anything?" asked Meredith after a moment, her voice surprisingly hopeful.

"I'm not sure," said Cristina. "Maybe…" She frowned, nodding her head. "I think so. It's not very strong, but I think…yeah."

"Way to go, McFetus," whispered Meredith, grinning down at her stomach.

"Oh god," groaned Cristina, pulling her hand back. "You're turning into one of those happy people."

Meredith's reply was quick and defensive. "I am not."

"Uh huh…right. Whatever you say Mer," said Cristina disbelievingly, continuing on in the direction they had been walking. "Oh and yeah," she continued as Meredith hurried to catch up with her. "Now that we've had our _moment_, you owe me some gossip."

"But I'm not a gossip," said Meredith indignantly.

"True," allowed Cristina. "However, your life is _the_ source of gossip for the hospital. So, whatever. It evens out." Meredith frowned, but didn't contradict her--her thoughts flashing bitterly back to Derek. "So spill," continued Cristina after Meredith failed to speak. "I've got to spend the whole day in the pit, so…" She grinned almost evily at her friend. "Make it something good."

"Oh poor you," answered Meredith dryly. "I'm the one who's on call tonight."

Cristina simply shrugged, not at all swayed by this. "You get surgery with Burke today. I get suturing up idiots, if I'm lucky." She turned to look at Meredith, her expression growing sincere and somewhat concerned. "So seriously, why is Shepherd walking around like you accidentally let it slip that his hair does nothing for you?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, but her amused smirk soon faded away into a sigh. She shook her head, feeling as if she were slowly but surely being pulled back to exactly what she had been trying to avoid. "I don't know," she said quietly. Her voice started to tremble slightly, and she swallowed hard, trying to string together a coherent explanation of the past week for Cristina. "One day he wanted to talk to me, and the next, he's acting like…he hates me or something," she stammered, looking helplessly at Cristina. "He's always busy…I tried to talk to him twice, and both times he just snapped at me." She shook her head again, her eyes already starting to burn with the threat of tears; precisely the reason why she had carefully avoided thinking about Derek as much as possible over the past week. She was sick of crying. She wanted nothing more than to find her old self, but it seemed impossible. Even as she tried to fight the urge, she heard her voice turn once more into a pathetic quavering thing, saying, "I just don't know Cristina. I just…he's been lots of things, but he's never been _mean _to me before. Not really, and now…I just, I just don't know…" She trailed off, chewing on her bottom lip as her eyes grew troubled and uncertain.

Cristina heaved a sigh that was as frustrated as Meredith's had been overwhelmed. "Seriously Mer," she said, her tone brisk and businesslike. "If he's treating you like crap, corner the McBastard and find out why. Stop being all McWeepy, and grow a spine."

Meredith's eyes flashed at that, and she crossed her arms just above her stomach. "I have a spine," she said, her voice tinged slightly with annoyance.

Cristina let out a disbelieving bark of a laugh. "Oh please," she said, shaking her head. "Not with Shepherd. You bend over backwards for him whenever he asks, and usually when he doesn't ask too."

"I don't…" began Meredith, only to find herself interrupted immediately by Cristina.

"You do Mer," she said simply. "And I get it, you love him. He's McDreamy; you're all mushy and disgusting when you think of him. Whatever. But that can only go so far." Her voice lost its familiar edge, and turned strangely earnest. She was still as adamant as usual, but there was something uncharacteristically gentle--both coaxing and understanding--to her words. "He has to bend too Mer. It can't be just you every time."

Meredith found she could only nod. Cristina's words seemed to have somehow both evaporated her tears and left her speechless, but there was something strengthening in them as well. "Okay," she finally heard herself say, her voice sounding curiously far away.

"Good," said Cristina, apparently needing to hear nothing more than that. She was halfway to the pit when she spun back around, fixing Meredith with a sudden smirk as she added, "Now go find out why he's got his panties in a bunch."

-----

Derek Shepherd was angry. Actually, he was more than angry. Simple anger had been days ago. Now, it had twisted and grown within him, turning into this tortured burning thing that seemed to scald each one of his thoughts. A distant part of his mind knew that he was being unreasonable, but it was small and easily silenced by the bitter pangs of jealousy he felt whenever he thought of someone else touching Meredith. And, when that wasn't enough, there was that cold wave of fear--which he didn't completely understand--that kept washing over him. Meredith and someone else… Meredith and someone else… Meredith and… The thought had a constant undesired rhythm that seemed to have aligned itself with the very beating of his heart; refusing to leave him alone for a minute. Derek knew the right thing to do would be to talk to her, but the easier thing to do was to simply turn into himself. He was used to that, to moving inward and blindly hoping that things would resolve themselves on their own. And so days had passed in stiff cold silence without Derek fully realizing it. It was simple logic that he was following--simple, but utterly flawed and hopeless. He needed to talk to Meredith, but he didn't want to yell at her. If he tried to talk, he knew he would yell. And so he settled things by not speaking to her; through distance and gruff replies. Until suddenly, unexpectedly, she loosened the lid on his anger herself. Meredith came up to him in the hallway and took him by the arm, yanking him wordlessly into an on call room.

"Meredith, what are you doing?" he asked roughly as she let go of him, turning to lock the door.

She flicked the lightswitch on--the quick flood of illumination revealing an unusually determined light in her eyes. "Getting some sort of explanation," she said simply, looking up at him.

"Funny you should say that," he snapped, surprised to hear his voice come out so bitter. Meredith just frowned, her expression perfectly puzzled.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Derek sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. He closed his eyes--trying to find a way to not be angry--but the week's worth of built up agonizing had rankled within him and was about to spill over, leaving him no other choice. "It means," he said at last, opening his eyes to fix a steely glare on Meredith's confused and expectant face. "Of the two of us, I'm not the one who needs to be explaining things here."

"What?" asked Meredith, her voice incredulous, and her expression swinging between bewildered and frustrated. "You practically got into a fight with my friends because you said you needed to talk to me so badly, but then you spend a week going out of your way to ignore me. That doesn't even make sense." She shook her head, her eyes hurt and confused. "I mean, why Derek? What's wrong?" She was standing close to him, chewing anxiously on her lower lip as she stared up into his eyes, at a loss as to the reason why they had contorted from their usual piercing blue into something infinitely dark and burning.

"I just hadn't realized you had a new hobby," he said, his voice low and cold.

"A new hobby?" echoed Meredith, her frown deepening. "What are you talking about Derek?" Her apparent lack of comprehension was only irritiating him further. As far as he was concerned, it was perfectly clear what the problem was, and, seeing as how she had constituted half of the kiss herself, the fact that she didn't seem to know was infuriating.

"Kiss anyone good today?" he sneered at last.

Meredith just blinked disbelievingly. "What?"

"Well, it's your new hobby isn't it?" continued Derek. "You're thing? Kissing people in the stairwells?"

"What?" repeated Meredith as a sudden look of comprehension passed behind her eyes. "Wait…you saw that?" she continued, giving a confused shake of her head. "How…were you spying on me?"

"Spying on you?" echoed Derek loudly, stepping away from her. "Right Meredith, I was spying on you. No, I was walking down the damn stairs!" She flinched at the sound of his voice, and it seemed to pull her out of the shocked disbelief she had been frozen in.

"Derek…" she began again, her voice much more tentative now; all her own indignation melting away as she realized in a cold rush the reason behind his anger. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…it was just this one little kiss. That's all. Nothing more, I swear. It didn't mean anything." She was wringing her hands together, her lip trembling slightly as she spoke, taken back by the cold hard lines in his face. "It shouldn't have even happened."

"Then why did it happen?" demanded Derek, stopping his pacing to glare at her. "I mean, who the hell was that Meredith? I didn't realize you were seeing someone." He nearly spat his words out at her, feeling sick at the mere thought of what her seeing someone would imply.

"I'm not…" stammered Meredith, her voice shaking. "I'm not seeing anyone. Seriously Derek, I'm not. We were just sort of in the moment…I don't know…"

"In the moment?" interrupted Derek incredulously, and Meredith gave a meek nod of her head, nearly cowering in front of him.

"I was sad," she tried again, her voice still only a faint sliver of a sound. "And Josh was just…being nice to me…" She trailed off, looking up hopefully at Derek. Somehow, a kiss that she had considered to be utterly insignificant had mutated into something horrifying, and it left her feeling dizzy, as if the whole room had suddenly started spinning violently, and the only thing that could make it stop would be Derek understanding. But he didn't understand--she knew that much. His eyes were still bitter as he stared at her.

"No," he said, nearly shouting; the sound echoing loudly throughout the small room. He reached out, taking her roughly by the arm, and pulling her closer. She stumbled slightly, gasping as she fell forward. "Men do not kiss women to be _nice_ Meredith," he continued, his voice turning into an angry hiss. His fingers gripped her slender wrist possessively, his mind still reeling from the thought of someone else being allowed to touch her. She looked up at him; her eyes wide, and her voice fading into a whimpered strand of barely audible apologies. Derek felt his anger start to melt away as he stared down at her trembling lips, and his voice softened into something that was more hurt and confused than enraged. "Who was he?" he asked, and before she could start to relax into the gentler sound of his voice, Meredith felt herself tense up again. "Who's Josh?" He nearly sneered again as he said the man's name, as if the word left an acrid taste in his mouth. "Is he some old boyfriend?" She bit her lip, looking away from Derek and down at the ground, knowing instinctively that he would hate the answer.

Her voice was quiet; barely a shadow of its usual strength. "He's the doctor."

"The doctor?" echoed Derek, not immediately comprehending what she was referring to. "The doctor…_the _doctor Meredith?" he asked, his voice rising disbelievingly. He was almost shouting as he finally spoke of what the two of them had been ignoring for months. "As in the one for our child?"

"Mmm…" she managed, nodding her head even as Derek shook his violently.

"Well that," he snapped, once again returning to pacing the room. "That just makes me feel so much better."

"Derek," began Meredith pleadingly. "He's a good doctor. He's…"

"Oh I'm sure he is," interrupted Derek, letting out a derisive laugh as he leered angrily at her. "I'm thrilled you found a doctor who could give you such a thorough exam."

"Derek…" repeated Meredith, her own voice slowly growing frustrated as well. "It was a mistake, that's all. And I'm sorry." She shook her head, crossing over to where he stood. "But it was just one kiss. Why are you so angry about this?"

"Why am I so angry?" Derek shook his head, not quite sure himself why he felt as if the room were lurching, and everything falling apart.

"Yeah…" she prompted tentatively.

Derek turned at the small sound of her voice, twisting to glare at her over his shoulder. Impulsively, he reached out again, bringing Meredith to him and nearly pinning her between his body and the wall. And as she stood there pressed against him for the first time in months, he felt what he hadn't been able to see…what had been carefully and continually hidden. And as he did, Derek began to realize just why he was so angry. Meredith didn't fit against him the way she used to; close like puzzle pieces, with every curve and groove finding its match in him. She had grown…far more than he had expected--her stomach swollen with the child caught between them. And that was the problem. Meredith with someone else would be devastating enough on its own, but there were three of them now, and something instinctive buried deep within him knew that that wasn't supposed to be threatened. They were supposed to be something solid and impenetrable--a perfect circle. And yet, they were so scattered…so utterly scattered that he didn't even recognize the feel of her new body pressed against him…so utterly scattered that some other man had found the time to press kisses to her lips.

It terrified him that that had happened. It made him want to lash out at anyone, anything. He didn't understand how it could have happened--how he had let it happen, how she had let it happen.

"Just…how could you, Meredith?" Derek asked at last, shaking his head. "How could you sit there, knowing that you're carrying _our _child, and kiss some other man?" His voice was low and broken, with more of the anger directed towards himself than her. However, all Meredith heard was an accusation, and she flinched slightly, her green eyes growing troubled.

She felt as if she were torn between two options. The first was one she had grown accustom to lately; to give in to the tears that he had summoned to the corners of her eyes, to cry and beg him to forgive her. In some vague subconscious way, Meredith knew that if she did…the whole argument would simply fade away. She didn't know where they would end up, but the yelling and the anger would stop. The truth was simple; he loved her too much to stay mad if she cried. However, Cristina's words were still echoing in the back of her mind, and, the more she listened to Derek, the more infuriated she became. She was tired of feeling weak; as if the world were simply happening to her while she crumbled and fell apart. And so Meredith swallowed hard, turning from the first option to the second. There was a strange strength in anger. It wasn't something pleasant. It was cold and rough, but it _was _strong.

"No Derek," she said flatly, pushing him off of her almost violently. "You don't get to look at me like that, when you're the one who has been _living_ with Addison for the past two months."

Derek's expression changed instantly, and he stepped away as if he had been slapped. "What?" he croaked, frowning at her.

"You heard me," she snapped, glaring up at him. "I watch you go home with her every night, and I don't say a word. You see me kiss someone once, and you're acting like I've betrayed you." She shook her head, her voice rising into something as tortured and angry as the pools of his eyes. "I mean, seriously Derek…what? You think there's nothing I love more than you sleeping with her? That I'm happy the two of you are trying to work things out?"

Her eyes felt like needles, stabbing into him as she tilted her chin up and glared. Derek just shook his head disbelievingly, feeling as if the room had once again gone back to reeling madly. "You asked me to try with Addison," he said, his voice frustrated and heavy. The past two months… He had spent the past two miserable months with Addison because Meredith had asked him to--had cried and begged and told him to--and now it was being thrown back in his face. He was halfway to simply gaping at her in disbelief. "You told me to go back Meredith," he said slowly, his speech close to a growl. "You told me to try."

Meredith had turned away, but, at that, she spun back around to face him. "And you sure tried," she said bitterly, rolling her eyes.

"What? You think this has been easy for me?" he hissed incredulously, his voice rising as he finally found an outlet for the past months' frustrations. "That I enjoy lying to my wife about all of this? Lying to everyone about all of this?" Meredith just stared up at him blankly, her face flushed, and her breathing close to panting. She felt shaky, and so she stretched a hand out, steadying herself on the wall. Derek closed his eyes, hating the fact that what Meredith had asked him do so that she could believe in him again had somehow become this painful wedge between them. "I did it because you asked me to," he repeated once more, trying to get her to see how that changed things. It seemed like the crucial difference to him. He had been sent away, and told to save his marriage. To him, there was nothing threatening in Addison. But Josh, this other man, that was terrifying. Derek didn't recall ever asking her to go and kiss the doctor who was supposed to be watching over their baby. And yet she had done it anyway.

Meredith gasped slightly, seeming to need to take a long deep breath before she could look back up at him. "I know I asked you," she snapped hotly. "That's not the point."

"Then what's the point Meredith?" he asked, his voice rising once again. "Because I know damn well I didn't ask you to start kissing other men." He slammed his hand against the wall with a dull thud, trying to let off some of his frustration over the fact that they seemed to simply be going in circles; accomplishing nothing.

"The point is…" stammered Meredith, shaking her head in disbelief. "It's…" The point was too much to sum up in a sentence. It was every night that Izzie had held back her hair while she was sick instead of Derek. It was every time that Alex, of all people, would wordlessly sneak her those little cheesy crackers from the vending machines just because she seemed to crave them constantly now. It was the fact that she was scared. That she felt tired all the time. That he hadn't heard the heartbeat. That the baby had moved, and Cristina had felt it before him. It was the fact that, even if she wasn't alone, she was missing the one person she needed for this the most. Josh wasn't the point. He was so far from the point, that Meredith couldn't begin to comprehend how Derek thought kissing him was the point. That was nothing. Just another blip in the sea of everything that was going wrong and threatening to drown her. And so Meredith shook her head again, backing away to keep from crying. "If you don't know what the point is on your own, then I can't help you!" she spat out at last.

And without another word, she turned and hurried for the door. She heard Derek call her name, suddenly begging her to stay, but she didn't listen. Meredith let her anger and frustration propel her down the hall and away from him as long as it could. Growing exhausted and suddenly afraid that he might follow now, when she desperately needed to be alone, she spun around, her eyes landing on one of the supply closets. Within seconds she was inside, her arms wrapping protectively around her stomach as she stopped fighting the desire in her knees to simply give out. And so she sat curled up on the floor, eyes open to the dark of the closet, as she tried to get the memory of the two of them yelling at each other to stop echoing over and over in her mind.

-----

_So…yeah. Hello again. Mer/Der had a fight. A big fight. Because…this whole thing that they have been doing for two months, with the secrets and the staying apart from each other and the trying…that whole giant mess? It's been eating them both up inside. And they pretty much both hate what they've been doing and are angry about it, but their only choices are to get angry at themselves (which they've already both done) or get angry at each other (which, well, they do here.) Because it's their fault together, maybe a little more or a little less per person, but they both agreed to do this, and they both turned it into this huge overwhelming thing in their lives. And, they were handling it okay until Mer and Josh kissed, and then, all of Derek's jealousy kicked in. Because sometimes, he can be a little too possessive of Mer, especially if he thinks there's a chance of someone taking her away from him. And so he bottles this fear of losing her and his jealousy right up with all his other feelings he's been keeping suppressed since they started the Secret Baby Conspiracy (dun, dun, dun…), and is avoiding her to keep from doing exactly what he ends up doing when she corners him and demands an explanation. And so they fight. Well, in the beginning Derek yells and Mer apologizes because she knows that she kissed someone else and that that hurt Derek. But, right when he's just about got all his frustrations over the kiss out, Meredith snaps. Finally. She finally, finally gets a spine and doesn't just cry. _

_Because, yes, she kissed Josh, but Derek is living with another woman. And it doesn't seem fair to her for him to blow this into a huge thing when he's the one who is actually in another relationship. And so they fight about that too which is a sore spot with Derek because he wanted to get a divorce. Mer was the one who asked him to try, and yeah…he's done a crappy job of that, but he feels like she's taking something that she asked of him, and then using it against him. And in the end, Meredith is frustrated that he's still hung up on the idea of her with Josh…which is utterly frightening for him in a way that he fails to realize is equivalent to him trying with Addison for Mer…when, for her, the real point isn't Josh or Addison. It's none of these outside people, it's just that she's been doing this all without him. And she's terrified. She's terrified of doing this on her own, and he's terrified of what Josh symbolizes, and so…while they say a lot, they don't come to a conclusion yet. Because all this fighting is emotionally and physically draining for Mer, and so she runs away because she doesn't know how to handle it at the moment._

_Oh, and on a happier note, the baby moved. Yay! And Cristina felt it, and, you know, tried her hardest not to show any gushy feelings over it. Because that would be gross. But, she is happy the baby seems to make Meredith so happy. Which it does, because somehow she's able to separate the child from the mess caused by the child, and let one just make her happy even while the other overwhelms her. And yep, that's about it. So yeah, thanks for reading. I have a feeling I was very ramble-y yet again. But I don't suppose that's anything new. Oooh also, these next few chapters, starting with the very next one? They are the ones that I thought up first, and then planned the rest of the story around. So, I'm very excited to write them as I have been planning them forever…and I think they are fairly exciting. Hopefully they'll turn out that way. Because, you know…stuff…happens. Stuff that is…big. And I am being…vague. _

_Heh…anyway, thanks again for reading this thing. Hope you liked it! _


	16. Vindicated

_Soo…hello again. First off, thanks as usual for the wonderful reviews. They make me utterly happy, and so very glad to know that people are enjoying the story. Because, you know, if you guys didn't like it, I'd only be amusing myself. Which…I guess would be okay. But this way, I feel a teensy bit more productive. Or something…_

_Anyway, for once I don't have a whole lot to say upfront. Just that…let's see. This chapter is long. I think. I almost cut it to make it shorter, but…I couldn't think of a good place to cut it. If it feels like too much, please do point that out, and I'll just go ahead and slice the next chapter if it ends up being this long. Also, this chapter picks up the day after the previous one. Early in the morning, after Meredith spent the night on-call. But, I say that within like the first paragraph of the chapter, soo…I'm really just being redundant here. In that case, I will shut up now, and try to get myself to stop typing more and more pointless things. So yeah. Enjoy!_

-----  
_Hope dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption_  
-----

Meredith stood with her eyes closed, slumped against the far wall of the locker room, trying to concentrate on simply standing. Every bone within her felt as if it had turned to lead, and she had stopped bothering with keeping her eyes open awhile ago. It was simply too much work. She couldn't remember a night in which she had gotten less sleep on call than the one she had just been through. She had made it into a bed for a grand total of twenty minutes, and consequently a heavy cloak of exhaustion had settled over her by the time five am rolled around. Sliding down to sit on the floor for a brief ten minute nap sounded beautifully tempting, but she was trying to resist. She knew it would be too short to do any real good. It would serve only to make it that much more painful to stand up again. The voices around her were this vague sort of murmur she couldn't bring herself to concentrate on, and her stomach was painfully sore and aching. She moaned and pressed her hand to her side, thinking it was because she hadn't eaten since sometime early in the previous evening…sometime after she had finally managed to stop shaking from fighting with Derek. She shuddered at the memory, and quickly dismissed the idea of going downstairs to get a bagel before rounds. She would have to move quickly, to hurry and jostle past people, and honestly, that didn't seem worth the effort at the moment. Meredith simply wanted to remain standing there, and continue with her efforts to melt right into the wall.

"Whoa!" came the sudden sound of a familiar voice, and Meredith blinked grudgingly, tilting her face enough to the side to squint at Izzie through her veil of hair. Izzie looked glaringly bright and energetic, smiling with a latte in hand. She was glancing down at Meredith's stomach and shaking her head, prompting Meredith to frown at her.

"What?" she grumbled at last--the sudden movement to speak reminding her that she was painfully thirsty as well.

Izzie shook her head again, reaching out and grabbing Meredith by the arm. "Seriously Meredith, just whoa... You need to come with me," she said, and without a further word of explanation, she had separated her from the wall. Meredith glanced forlornly back at her resting place, but stumbled after Izzie. She found herself being led across the locker room--which was just beginning to fill up with people coming in to get ready for rounds--and straight into the washroom at the far end. "Okay, everybody out!" declared Izzie as she pushed the door open, and kicked the few stall doors that were closed. However, all the doors swung easily on their hinges; proving that the room was empty save for them.

"Iz?" asked Meredith as she found a new wall to slump against. Izzie whirled back around from inspecting the stalls, grinning proudly. "Um…?"

"Phew," she said, giggling to herself. "I had no idea how that was going to work, but it's empty, so we're in luck!"

Meredith just blinked at her, shaking her head. "What are you doing?" She spoke slowly, incredulously, almost as if she feared Izzie had lost her grip on English, or, at the very least, on her sanity.

"It's…" began Izzie, but she promptly trailed off at the sound of the bathroom door being pushed open. "Crap," she hissed as she whirled around, but she turned to find only Cristina standing in the doorway.

"Morning losers," said Cristina, as she leaned against the doorframe. "What are you doing in here?"

"You can come in," replied Izzie, completely ignoring the question. "But guard the door. Seriously…with your life or something. Use your elbows if you have to. They look pointy." Cristina peered around Izzie, shooting Meredith an utterly confused look. Meredith just shook her head, giving a halfhearted shrug in response.

"Izzie this isn't high school," continued Cristina, yawning loudly as she spoke. "We don't have a secret bathroom club. Other people can pee in here if they want."

"I know we don't have a bathroom club," said Izzie dismissively, pausing to sip on her latte. "We have a problem. A Meredith problem."

Meredith just groaned, and swung a hand out in a wide and aimless gesture. "Meredith has lots of problems," she muttered. She turned so her back was to the wall, arching slightly, and bumping her head against the tile. "None of which seem to be getting any better."

"No," continued Izzie flatly. "You currently have one problem. You look pregnant."

"I do not," hissed Meredith immediately, suddenly finding a burst of energy large enough to move away from the wall and over to stand in front of the mirror. "I don't look pregnant," she insisted, her voice growing much less certain as she twisted about to look at her profile. "Do I?"

"Um…yeah, you do," replied Izzie as Meredith sent a pleading glance in Cristina's direction. She grumbled something nondescript under her breath about missing out on all the good cases, but shuffled forward, turning a critical eye on Meredith's midsection.

"Well, you don't look like a truck yet," she said bluntly. "But yeah, you can tell. At least, anybody who bothers to look and has half a brain can tell."

"No…" moaned Meredith, her voice curving into a disappointed sound as she tugged on the fabric of her scrubs, trying to ignore the blatant straining at the front of her shirt. "It's not possible," she continued, shaking her head as her eyes widened with worry. "I looked fine yesterday. How can I look pregnant today if I didn't yesterday?"

Izzie shrugged, staring at a long piece of blonde hair as she twirled it around her finger. "Maybe you popped."

"I did not pop," snapped Meredith indignantly, still glaring at her reflection. "I was up all freaking night. I think I would've noticed if I popped." Izzie just shrugged again, and kept messing with her hair. "Seriously," continued Meredith, her voice turning desperate. "It has to be something else…"

"Well…where'd your lab coat go?" asked Cristina, sliding down to sit cross-legged on the floor. "You're always buried under that thing." She scratched her head, tilting sideways and frowning at Meredith. "It helped a lot. Go put it back on."

The suggestion just prompted Meredith to groan and raise a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. "It's in laundry," she muttered darkly. "A patient threw up on it last night."

"Ah well then…" said Cristina, her voice nonchalant as she leaned back against the wall. "Guess everyone's finding out today, huh?" Meredith didn't answer, but simply turned to stare at her, her green eyes nearly glowing with fear and apprehension as she wrung her hands together, shaking her head. "Calm down Mer," continued Cristina as she took in the frantic light in her friend's face. "It's not going to be the end of the world."

"No," snapped Meredith, suddenly finding her voice again. "It's definitely the end of the world. This cannot happen today."

"Ooh," gasped Izzie delightedly. "I have an idea."

"And why is it the end of the world?" asked Cristina, ignoring Izzie's comment.

Meredith leaned forward, putting her weight on one of the sinks as she stared absently down at the dripping faucet. "I fought with Derek," she muttered, her voice leaden and filled with exhaustion.

"You fought…" began Cristina, but she promptly trailed off as she caught sight of Izzie peeling off her scrub top. "Whoa," she continued, raising a hand as if to cover her eyes. "We don't strip until _after_ nine Iz, remember?" Izzie simply made a face, and so, with a shrug, Cristina returned her attention to Meredith. "So, did you find out why McBastard's been all bitter and hostile?" The sound of her voice summoned Meredith's eyes back open, and she blinked down at the basin of the sink, trying to remember what they were talking about.

"Umm…" she said slowly, leaning forward further and resting her forehead against the cool glass of the mirror. "He saw me kiss Josh."

At that, Izzie promptly choked on her latte, and Cristina's jaw dropped open. "Seriously?" she asked after a minute, sounding more amused than anything else. "No wonder Shepherd's pissed."

"You kissed McBabies?" managed Izzie once she had finally stopped coughing.

Meredith groaned but nodded her head, her forehead bumping against the mirror as she did. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to straighten up and turn around. But, the sudden motion only served to make her dizzy, and she quickly slumped against the wall, giving in and sliding down to sit on the floor. "It wasn't a big kiss," she moaned, frowning at the memory of the fight. "It was this tiny little kiss, but Derek saw. And then he flipped out, so I started yelling about Addison, and it was just this…big, angry thing."

"Wait…" said Cristina, holding up a hand to stop her. "You yelled?" Meredith just nodded, still fussing unhappily with her scrubs. Cristina grinned proudly. "You grew a spine." Meredith gave another half nod that melted into a shrug, a wan smile flashing briefly across her face.

"So, how was kissing Dr. McBabies?" asked Izzie eagerly. Meredith's shadow of a smile died completely, and she simply glared at her; the green of her eyes rapidly darkening as her expression twisted into a bitter scowl. "Okaaay…" continued Izzie, holding up her hands in defeat. "Forget I asked, McGrumpy."

"And then what happened?" prompted Cristina. "Did he forgive you for shoving your tongue down your doctor's throat?"

Meredith turned and glared at her as well, shaking her head. "I don't…know." Cristina raised a single curious eyebrow, and, with a heavy sigh, Meredith continued. "We never finished arguing," she mumbled, staring down at her knee. "I ran away."

Cristina just rolled her eyes. "Oh very mature Mer."

"Shut up," muttered Meredith crossly, her head falling forward to rest in her hands. "I just…" She took a deep breath, letting her eyes close again. "None of this would've happened if I'd just transferred," she said softly, her voice almost a whisper. "None of this would be happening."

"What?" gasped Izzie, sounding horrified. "You don't mean that Mer." At that, Meredith lifted her head up slightly, her eyes still dark and brooding.

"No," she said sharply, her voice somewhat bitter. "I mean that. This would _literally _not be happening if I'd left." Her words were met with an awkward silence, and so she let her head fall back into her hands, ignoring the confused look Izzie and Cristina were sharing. It wasn't so much that she wished she were somewhere else, as it was her simple desire for this to all just stop. Meredith wanted nothing more than to curl up on the floor and fall asleep. Only for an hour…maybe two. She was sure none of this would be quite so overwhelming if she didn't feel so utterly exhausted and sore, but, in the moment, everything seemed to be crushing her. Having no idea how she was going to get through rounds, especially if she apparently looked pregnant now, Meredith glared down past her knees, refusing to let her mind drift away to consider anything more complex than the number of tiles she could count on the floor.

Cristina cleared her throat first, shattering the heavy silence that had fallen over the three of them. She frowned and turned to look at Izzie, asking, "Are you going to put your shirt back on, or are you just planning to distract everyone from Meredith by rounding in your bra?"

"Oh…" Izzie glanced down, seeming to just then realize that she was still shirtless. "No, this is Meredith's shirt," she continued, tossing her scrub top so that it landed a few feet away from where Meredith sat. She leaned forward, picking it up and frowning at Izzie, her expression growing puzzled.

"Uh what, Iz?" she asked.

"It's yours," continued Izzie. "Now, give me the one you're wearing." Meredith just blinked at her, causing Izzie to sigh impatiently. "I'm a medium, and you're a small. Get it yet?'

"Right," muttered Meredith, wincing slightly as she pulled herself back up.

"Yeah. That should work for another few weeks or so," said Izzie. "After that, you're…" She trailed off, shrugging as she gave her friend a sympathetic smile.

"Screwed," supplied Meredith, her voice resentful.

"Well no, you already got screwed," said Izzie lightly. "That's why you're all knocked up, remember?" She laughed at her own joke, but Meredith felt too wretched to even bother with smiling, and so she simply turned and glared, her eyes growing steely and her mouth disappearing into a thin line.

"Please, please _never _try to be funny again," said Cristina as she walked over to the two of them, a disdainful yet amused look playing across her face.

"I'm just saying," replied Izzie defensively. She turned back towards Meredith, who was still dressed and leaning against the edge of the sink. "Shirt, Meredith," she demanded, holding out her hand. "Unless you want to start rounds with a very interesting conversation with Bailey, shirt now." Meredith rolled her eyes, but wordlessly peeled off her shirt. "Aww," continued Izzie, glancing down at her. "Look at you and your cute little baby bump."

At that, Meredith's blank expression twisted into a dark scowl, and she thrust her own top almost violently at Izzie. "Here," she said--her voice sharp and annoyed--before turning and pulling on the larger scrubs. "Is it better?" she continued hopefully, shuffling back over to stand in front of the mirror.

"It's too big for you," said Cristina flatly, and she had a point. It gaped at the neck and hung loosely around her small frame, however, it also served to completely hide her stomach.

"Whatever," muttered Meredith. "Can you tell I'm pregnant?" Cristina shook her head, prompting Meredith to sigh with relief, leaning forward to once again rest her forehead against the cool tile surface of the bathroom wall.

"Holy crap," gasped Izzie, struggling to pull the smaller top down. "This thing is strangling my boobs."

Cristina scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Shut it Barbie, we know your breasts are large," she said dryly.

Meredith smiled vaguely as she listened to the two of them continue arguing, but found herself soon distracted by a sudden twinge that went shooting like fire across her stomach. She gasped in a combination of pain and surprise, her hand flying instantly to her side. It had been an intense flicker of agony, but it had been brief, vanishing and leaving her with nothing more than the constant aching sensation she knew she had earned herself by staying on her feet all night long. A soft frown settled on her brow as she waited with closed eyes to see if it would return. When it didn't, she looked up and found both of her friends staring at her, their faces twin masks of worry.

"Mer, are you okay?" asked Izzie cautiously. Meredith shook her head but straightened up, walking gingerly back over to the mirror.

"Yeah," she muttered, reaching out and turning on the faucet. "It was nothing…just a cramp. I'm fine." But her voice wavered slightly, and she leaned forward, splashing her face with icy water to hide the uncertainty she knew they would see in her eyes. _It's nothing_, she thought to herself fiercely as she straightened up, blinking as the water rolled in droplets down her skin to soak the neckline of her scrubs.

"Are you sure?" pressed Cristina, frowning at her. "Because, you know, you look like crap."

"Oh thanks Cristina," snapped Meredith crossly. "Thank you." She rolled her eyes, staring at her reflection and raising a hand to fuss aimlessly with her hair. "I'm fine," she repeated, still leaning heavily against the sink. "I'm just, let's see…" She frowned, her voice growing frustrated and bitter as she listed things off on her fingers. "Tired and hungry and thirsty and sore and upset over Derek and…maybe tired again." Reaching down to give a self-conscious tug on her new larger shirt, she turned around and stared at her friends. "But seriously, what else is new? I'm fine."

"Okay Mer," said Izzie, laughing incredulously. "I think you need to go sit down."

"No. No, I don't," she snapped, glancing down at her watch. "We need to go round. We're supposed to meet Bailey in four minutes." Her friends just stood still, eyeing her apprehensively. "Seriously, I'm good," she continued, not giving them a chance to question her further. She smiled determinedly, trying to reassure herself as much as them. Because, despite her definite desire to just sit down, she had no idea how she possibly could right then…not without some heavy explaining. "I'll be fine. It was nothing." Finally, they consented; Cristina following her towards the door, and Izzie rushing back to the mirror one last time. She wiggled uncomfortably, trying to yank her shirt into place. "Um…you coming Iz?" asked Meredith, motioning through the open door towards the locker room beyond.

"Yeah, it's just…my boobs can't breathe in here," hissed Izzie, but she turned away from the mirror, walking past them and out the door.

"Her boobs can't breathe?" echoed Cristina in a low voice, smirking at Meredith. "You know, I think you being pregnant is just part of her master plan to get us all talking about her boobs, all the time." Meredith nodded and let out a vague whimper of a laugh. She couldn't bring her mind to manage a reply though, all of her attention being already caught up in the effort of walking and appearing normal; fighting off the constant desire to just wrap her arms around her stomach and sink to the floor.

-----

Meredith wasn't exactly sure how she had managed to make it through all of rounds. She had lurked in the back; both to try and dodge the skeptical frowns Bailey kept shooting her, and because walking fast had suddenly started to make her cramp, and consequently gasp in pain. And so she had shuffled through the hospital at a pathetic pace, her every thought concentrated on the fact that each step brought her that much closer to four o'clock, when she would finally be off. However, four o'clock was still a long way away, and, as far as she was concerned, her bad day was only set to worsen...

She was Addison's intern.

There was no one she wanted to stay further away from than Addison--yet there she was, forced to wait for her. Meredith moaned softly, and cradled her head in her hands, trying not to think of just how easy it would be to simply give in and start crying from sheer exhaustion. But somehow, she kept herself together, or at least…managed to scrape up a semblance of togetherness. She had her eyes directed towards their patient's chart, trying to prep for the case, but she couldn't bring her mind to make sense of anything written there. Her eyelids kept drooping--heavy and low from lack of sleep--and she felt vaguely dizzy. However, just as her eyes started to close completely, Meredith found herself jolted from her dazed state by a sudden bolt of pain in her side, similar to the one she had felt in the locker room. Through sheer willpower alone, she kept her hand from flying instantly to her stomach. She shifted slightly, cautiously; all of her attention instantly zeroing in on her baby. But again, the pain disappeared as quickly as it came, and Meredith didn't know what to do other than force herself to shrug it off. With nothing more to interrupt her, she returned to trying to study the patient's chart.

"Well, good morning Dr. Grey," called Addison several minutes later, her voice surprisingly cheerful. "I hear you're my intern today?" Meredith tilted her head to the side, not bothering to lift it from her hands, and gave an ungainly sort of nod as she watched Addison clack effortlessly towards the nurses' station, her black skirt swishing with every stride.

"I am," mumbled Meredith in agreement, blinking up at the taller woman as she came to stand beside her.

"Excellent…" said Addison softly, sounding almost distracted as she stared at Meredith. "It's a good case." A slight curious frown made its way across her brow, instantly filling Meredith with unease. Addison always brought up a strange combination of feelings for her; guilt and fear being the two most prevalent emotions, but there were also heavy doses of sorrow and jealousy, shame and regret. However, after being told she looked decidedly pregnant in the morning, Meredith felt nothing save for a desperate desire to keep Addison's eyes trained on her face only.

"Oh…umm…" she blurted out, not really sure of what she wanted to say. She frowned as Addison looked up, nodding expectantly. "So, should we go see our patient then?" she stammered at last, trying to keep her voice from trembling.

Addison just shook her head. "Nope."

"No?" echoed Meredith cautiously as a thousand dreadful scenarios raced through her mind, and she found herself wishing that the other woman's eyes weren't so impossibly hard to read.

"No," repeated Addison, suddenly smiling and taking a sip of her coffee. "We've got to wait. There's one more joining our merry group this morning."

Meredith sighed inwardly, instantly filling with pure relief that that was the only reason they were being held up. She wasn't exactly sure what she had expected Addison to say; sudden accusations about her pregnancy, obscure questions about Derek…she didn't know. But myriad possibilities filled her mind, each growing more and more outrageous. Meredith grimaced slightly, feeling more than a bit ridiculous "Waiting…" she said slowly, trying to fill the awkward silence that had quickly bloomed between them. Instinctively, her hand moved to fidget with her watchband. It clinked softly as she spun it in nervous circles, and she licked her lips, trying to manage some sort of friendly facial expression. "Waiting is good. We can wait… Who are we waiting for?" she concluded, wincing as Addison shot her another very puzzled frown.

"My husband," she said simply, gesturing towards the open chart. "It's on the chart. I need him for a consult."

"Oh…right," replied Meredith dully, looking down and finally managing to focus on Derek's name up at the top of the page. Addison was watching her expectantly, and so she nodded her head, trying to wipe off whatever horrified grimace she was sure had just crossed her face. "Derek…I mean, Dr. Shepherd." She flushed slightly from embarrassment, and nodded her head. "That should be…merry," she said slowly, unable to come up with anything else to say.

"It should, shouldn't it?" agreed Addison, her voice dry and slightly ironic, as she raised one perfect curving eyebrow into a slow smirk. She glanced down, tapping her pager with a long fingernail. Wrinkling her nose, she pulled it from where it was clipped to her waist. "Wait here Grey, and snag him if he walks by," she continued absently, hitting her pager hard against the counter. "I've got to get some new batteries." Meredith nodded, and, with another disappointed frown at her pager, Addison spun around and walked off in search of the nearest supply closet.

Meredith's head instantly fell forward again, coming to rest in the palm of her hands. She moaned softly, trying to calm the worries that were slowly building up in the back of her mind thanks to just how awful she felt. Sighing softly, she closed her eyes; consequently feeling Derek's presence beside her first rather than catching a glimpse of his troubled expression as he made his way towards her.

"Meredith," he said gently, even hesitantly, leaning against the counter and frowning down at her. She blinked and looked up, once again not bothering to lift her head.

"What?" she asked flatly, the word sounding heavy and worn as it left her lips.

"About yesterday…" he began, but promptly trailed off, his frown deepening as he stared at her. "Are you okay?" he asked worriedly, taking in her slumped form and slightly shaking shoulders. "You look like you need to sit down."

"I'm fine," said Meredith, perhaps a little too sharply. She bit her lip, forcing herself to stand up straight, and shoot him a tightlipped smile.

He nodded slowly, uncertainly, still studying her face. "You're sure?"

Meredith heaved an exasperated sigh and nodded her head; growing tired of hearing the same comment repeatedly when she wanted nothing more than to sit down but couldn't. "Yes Derek," she continued crossly. "I'm sure." The tone of her voice left him little room to contradict her without arguing, and, after yesterday, getting into another fight with her was the last thing he wanted to do.

And so he nodded his head again, murmuring, "Okay." He glanced down at his hands for a moment--lips pursed and apparently deep in thought--before turning again to look at her. "Meredith, yesterday…" he began again, his blue eyes darkening apologetically. "I shouldn't have…"

"We can't do this right now," said Meredith quickly, cutting him off. Derek's expression grew rapidly puzzled, tinged ever so slightly with hurt, and she heard herself moving to explain. "We're working."

He failed to comprehend what she was implying. "So?"

"So…we're working with your wife," snapped Meredith. "You're her consult, and I'm her intern. We _can't_ do this now." She nearly hissed her words at him, her eyes filling with fear as she caught sight of a familiar head of red hair moving towards them down the hall.

Derek heaved a frustrated sigh, but he relented with a slow reluctant nod of his head just as Addison returned to them, refastening her pager to the waistband of her skirt.

"Ah, good. You found him," she said, leaning forward and pressing her lips to Derek's cheek. Meredith promptly looked away, staring down at the floor and doing her best to ignore the greetings the two of them exchanged. "Shall we go?" continued Addison, smiling at Meredith in an attempt to minimize the awkwardness as much as possible. Meredith found she could only nod, and reluctantly stepped away from the support provided by leaning against the counter. She felt strange; as if she were dizzy…perhaps floating. However, the room didn't spin. It remained perfectly straight, and so, with a deep determined breath, she forced herself to follow after them. Derek's stride had always been long, and Addison was tall as well, but somehow, Meredith felt as if they were nearly racing down the hall. They were already several feet in front of her when a sudden painful twinge in her side forced her to stop walking altogether. It was pure reflex to gasp out loud, but even as she did, she tried to stifle the sound, knowing that it would only make them turn around and look at her. "Hurry up, Dr. Grey," said Addison, glancing down at her watch, her expression slightly irritated. Meredith mumbled an apology, and forced herself to start walking again. Derek was looking over his shoulder at her, his eyes both worried and curious, full of unspoken questions. Meredith silenced them all with a vicious shake of her head, filled with an almost paralyzing desire to act normally around Addison.

However, she had barely made it three feet when another stronger biting pain filled her stomach. The gasp that escaped her lips was louder and utterly impossible to restrain this time, and she stopped short, finding herself frozen in place. She was vaguely aware that both Addison and Derek had turned around again, that Addison was speaking to her in a voice that vacillated between annoyed and questioning. But all Meredith could focus on were Derek's eyes. They seemed to align perfectly with her own; absorbing and reflecting the fear written there. "Meredith?" he asked, his voice somehow both gentle and unbelievably strong. She heard a faint, pathetic whimpering sound slip past her lips as her stomach twinged sharply yet again, and the dread in her eyes escaped to flood her face. "Mer…" he continued, and she found herself somehow leaning into the strength of the sound of his speech; letting it fill her until it blocked out the fact that they were in a hallway bustling with people, that _Addison _was only a few feet away.

"I'm…" she began, her voice weak and shaky, refusing to look anywhere save his face. To pretend that he was the only one there was the only way she could bring herself to speak, and she knew then that she had to speak...she couldn't stay silent any longer. "I'm just going to go sit down after all," she stammered at last; trying not to be afraid, trying to pretend that she was somewhere else…anywhere other than where she was.

"Okay," he said immediately, turning and walking quickly back towards her. Meredith didn't know how he managed to sound so calm, when, inside her head, her mind was screaming at her.

"Dr. Grey," called Addison, her voice still puzzled, still annoyed, still not quite comprehending. "Derek?" she continued when she got no answer from Meredith.

But her voice failed to even register in his mind. Derek was aware of nothing save for the fact that Meredith had staggered to a stop, reaching out and grabbing hold of the wall behind her. "Mer," he repeated gently, having caught up with her by then. "Do you want to go to a chair?" She just shook her head fiercely, her eyes wide--almost frantic--as she stared at him.

"No…" she whimpered in a thin small voice. "I'm just…I can't…" Her words were cut short by another vicious burst of pain, and she cried out loud, unable to keep her hands from her stomach any longer. "I'm just…I'm just gonna sit…down," she stammered at last, sliding down the length of the wall to curl up on the floor, her lip trembling as she moaned softly.

"Okay…" he whispered, crouching down beside her and gently pushing the hair out of her eyes. In that moment, all the arguments and the pain caught between them dissolved away, turning insignificant when placed next to the fear that filled her. Everything seemed to disappear save them. Meredith reached out blindly, needing nothing quite so desperately as she needed his hand to hold. And for once, it was there. He was there. She had Derek. His fingers intertwined with hers; hands clasping and holding tight. "Meredith," he continued as her nails dug into him. "What's wrong? Can you tell me?" He reached out with his free hand, tilting her chin up as she gasped again. Derek's own heart was racing, but somehow he managed to keep his voice even--steady and calming. "Tell me what's wrong Mer."

She shook her head, biting her lip. "I don't know," she whispered, her voice quavering. "Something just hurts. Something…" Meredith moaned in pain once again, her words trailing off as she leaned forward, her forehead coming to rest against his shoulder. Derek bent and pressed his lips to the top of her head, murmuring gentle reassurances to her in a low voice. She seemed to calm down slightly then, and finally, Derek remembered where they were…remembered his wife. Slowly, he turned his head to find Addison standing perfectly still, as if frozen at the end of the hall.

Addison couldn't move. She simply stood there, staring with haunted unseeing eyes at Meredith's crumpled form. It was a sort of horrible delayed reaction that kept her from speaking, and set her mind whirling instead. It was coldly ironic somehow, she was sure of that. Her job was pregnant women. She _knew _them. She was around them constantly, and yet…she hadn't noticed. The past few months seemed to be playing back before her mind's eye with horridly vivid clarity, and Addison realized that, if she had only thought to pay attention, there had been plenty of clues. Her constant tiredness, the sudden change to looser clothes, the slight fullness to her features, the way her walk had shifted a little from its former light purposeful gait--that little skip that annoyed her so--to something heavier. Meredith was pregnant, and had been for months. Right in front of her own eyes. And yet, she hadn't seen it. Denial…willful deceit by her own mind against herself…she supposed it was possible. All she knew was that five minutes ago, Meredith had just been Meredith. The shrill and tiny blonde her husband _still _looked at. But now, when she looked at Meredith all she could see was that the girl was blatantly pregnant. Her body practically screamed pregnant at Addison. And, by the way Derek was crouching in front of her, clasping her hand as if his own life depended on her touch, she didn't even have to consider whose baby it was. She knew it was her husband's.

"Oh my god…" she heard herself finally gasp, and she could almost laugh at how ridiculously long it took her to say even that…if it weren't for the fact that she felt as if she had forgotten how to laugh altogether.

Meredith looked up at the sound of her voice, lifting her frightened tear streaked face from where it rested against Derek's shoulder. She looked at Addison with wide eyes; filled with a thousand things she knew she would never be able to properly express to the other woman. "I'm so sorry," was all she could manage--her voice a broken little gasp spilling over with apologies.

"You're pregnant," replied Addison dully, and the words sounded heavy and foreboding to her. Meredith moved to answer, but she winced in pain once more, and instead turned back with a whimper to burry her face against Derek's neck. "You're pregnant…" repeated Addison, shaking her head. She knew the answer, but for some reason, she needed to hear confirmation. "Derek," she tried, turning her attention to the man whose focus had once again returned to Meredith, watching as he stood and gently lifted her in his arms. "She's pregnant?" It turned in to a question when addressed to Derek; as if, despite all the evidence, despite her own unshakable knowledge that Meredith was pregnant, it wouldn't really become true until Derek himself confirmed it.

He looked up at her then--his eyes distracted--almost annoyed with her for pulling his attention away from Meredith. "Yes Addison," he said at last, his voice flat as he met her gaze for the briefest of moments. And in that single second, he effectively shattered over eleven years of marriage. "She's pregnant." Without another word to her, Derek turned and stopped the nearest nurse, reaching out and snatching her by the arm. "Page me OB/GYN," he ordered, glancing back down at the tiny woman in his arms. The nurse started to nod and walk off, but he stopped her again. "And I want an Attending," he added, his voice coming out brusque and demanding as a consequence of his own churning emotions. "Nothing less."

The nurse's response was as immediate as it had been the first time, although she seemed slightly taken back by the demand. "Of course. Uh…right away." She leaned forward, peering up at Meredith, before adding, "There's an empty room two doors down. If you want to put her on a bed…" Derek nodded instantly, and before Meredith had time to fully process all that had been said, she felt him lowering her gently down onto an empty bed.

"Derek…"

"Shhh…" he soothed, running his fingers through her hair. "You're gonna be okay Mer." His voice was a gentle murmur--like the soft lapping sound of water--and it helped to calm her. "You're going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine…" Meredith nodded and started to blink back her tears, only to find Derek already pressing his thumb to her cheek, and gently wiping them away. Another small whimper escaped her lips, and Derek frowned softly, studying her face. "What is it Mer?" he asked.

Her voice was a tiny trembling thing. "I'm scared."

"I know," he whispered, once again swallowing his own fear so that he could smile at her. "It's okay." She nodded her head, believing him…or at least, trying to believe him. She did feel a little bit better, now that she wasn't forcing herself to keep moving and doing. The thick veil of exhaustion that had followed her all day lessened slightly as her body sunk into the soft folds of the bed.

As if guessing her thoughts, Derek ran a hand along the curve of her face, asking, "How do you feel?"

"Better," she murmured quietly. "A bit better." But, even as she spoke, another sharp twinge ran through her stomach. Meredith tensed, her hand grasping at the curve of her belly, as her face crumbled and fell. She shook her head, adding, "Never mind. It comes and goes."

"I know," he whispered, once again stroking her hair. "I know… Just breathe."

"Doctor?" called a voice suddenly from the doorway, and Derek turned about to find the nurse he had stopped earlier standing there. "May I speak with you out here for a moment?"

He glanced immediately back at Meredith, squeezing her hand. "It'll just be one second Mer," he said reassuringly, and she started to nod her head, but her expression changed mid-gesture.

"No…" she stammered, her green eyes suddenly brimming with guilt. "You have to…you have to talk to Addison."

"That can wait," he promised, but she shook her head sharply, her voice growing agitated.

"No…" she whimpered, her lip trembling slightly. "No, Derek, she wasn't supposed to find out like this. This wasn't supposed to happen."

"I know Meredith, but…"

"Derek, please," interrupted Meredith, eyes wide and voice shaking. Even in the midst of all of her panic, a small part of her mind flickered back to what had happened in the hallway, and it caused her to feel as if she were very nearly being smothered beneath a crushing wave of guilt and regret. "You need to explain," she pleaded. "You need to tell her I'm sorry, and that we…that…"

"Okay," soothed Derek quickly, not wanting Meredith to upset herself in the slightest at the moment. "Okay Mer. I'll talk to her, okay?"

She nodded her head gratefully, seeming appeased by that. "Thank you," she murmured softly, her voice bringing a smile to his face.

"Of course," he said, and he raised her small hand, pressing her fingers to his lips. "Now you just rest, and I'll be back soon. You're going to be okay," he added reassuringly as he leaned down and kissed her forehead, before turning and following the nurse out into the hall.

Meredith watched Derek go with wide eyes, and, without him beside her, she turned warily to stare down at her stomach. Running a trembling hand across it, she repeated his words to her baby in a whisper. "You're going to be okay." Only she didn't know how Derek had made his voice so strong. Her own shook with worry, and she had to bite her lip to keep from crying. "It's gonna…don't be scared," she stammered, shaking her head. "It's going to be okay." But, as she spoke, her stomach twinged uncomfortably again, and the tears she was holding back started to spill silently down her face. "Please," Meredith murmured desperately. "Please…you have to be okay. Please just be fine…" She sniffled and looked up briefly at the sound of a nurse entering her room, before returning her attention to the life within her. "Please," she whispered over and over, until the sound started to seem meaningless. "Please be okay."

-----

"What is it?" demanded Derek instantly as he followed the nurse out into the hall.

"Well, I know you requested an Attending," began the nurse apologetically. "But OB just called back saying that they had an emergency c-section come in, so the on-call Attending is currently off the floor. They said he can come once he's through, and they have a second year resident they can send to you immediately." Derek shook his head disbelievingly, casting a worried glance back through the doorway at Meredith's trembling form. "They suggested paging Dr. Montgomery Shepherd if it's urgent though," continued the nurse, as Derek whipped back around to stare at her. "She's a neonatal Attending on-call right now, and would be more than…"

"I know who my wife is, thank you," interrupted Derek angrily, and as he spoke, his gaze settled on Addison. She was still standing at the end of the hall, her face blank…utterly expressionless, as if she hadn't moved since he saw her last. They locked eyes painfully, and Derek brushed past the nurse, walking towards her. "Addison," he began quietly. "Please…"

She shook her head, her pale blue eyes wide and uncertain. When she spoke, her voice was a low and broken sound. "Derek, you can't ask me to examine her."

"Addie," he pleaded. "I know you're mad, and you have every right to be…"

"Mad?" she interrupted disbelievingly, still shaking her head. "I haven't even gotten to mad yet Derek. I'm still in shock. I mean, pinch me. I don't think I'll feel it. Seriously, when were you planning on telling me you were having a child with another woman? With Meredith Grey?" Her voice trembled almost imperceptibly as she said the intern's name, and she looked away, staring down at the perfect black leather surface of her shoes.

Derek groaned, raising both his hands and pressing them to his forehead. "I know," he moaned, rubbing his eyes. "I know it's not fair to you, and I'm sorry. Be mad at me later. Hate me later, but right now…please, Meredith needs a doctor."

"Derek, you really think what she needs right now is _me_ as her doctor?" asked Addison incredulously. "You think that's going to help her? I'm pretty sure that I'm the last person Meredith wants walking into that room."

"She doesn't want you as a doctor," agreed Derek. "She needs you as a doctor. Her choices are currently you or a second year resident."

Addison sighed heavily, shaking her head. "I just think…"

"Addie," continued Derek, the fear he had held back while talking to Meredith finally seeping into his voice. "She was terrified of you finding out. Utterly terrified. For her to just collapse in front of you like she did, she would…she would have to be…" His voice shook slightly and trailed off, not wanting to voice what he dreaded, settling instead for ending in an utterly hopeless shrug.

"In a lot of pain," supplied Addison in a quiet voice of comprehension, finally understanding the nearly paralyzed look in her husband's eyes. Derek simply nodded, feeling as if he had lost the ability to speak. She took a long deep breath, slowly nodding her head as well. "Okay," she continued, her voice even softer than before. "I'll go. But Derek…she's what? Sixteen weeks? Maybe eighteen?" Addison pursed her lips together into a thin line, her eyes growing somber. "There's no extra-uterine viability that early. If she's in preterm labor…"

"Jesus Addison," interrupted Derek, whirling around to face her. "Don't you think I know that?" His voice was an anguished devastated hiss that had her reaching out, despite everything, to grip his hand reassuringly. "That's my child," he added, his voice coming dangerously close to breaking.

Addison nodded slowly, staring into his eyes. "I know," she heard herself say, her voice sounding quiet and very far away. She didn't know how she was managing to speak, when inside she felt as if she were falling apart, but somehow she found herself comforting him. "Now stop worrying…we don't know anything yet." A wry smile flashed across her face as she added, "Besides, I'm very good at what I do, remember?" He nodded, and the two of them stared sadly at each other for a moment, and consequently, both were taken off guard by the sudden arrival of George O'Malley.

"Dr. Shepherd," he gasped sounding curiously out of breath. Both Derek and Addison turned to look at him, frowning in astonishment. "I finally found you," he continued, straightening up and grinning proudly. "Trauma sent me to find you. There's a fifteen year-old female who took a bullet to the temporal lobe who just came in. You wouldn't believe it, but she was fully conscious when they brought her in," he continued, his voice filling with amazement as he shook his head. "It was wild…" He trailed off abruptly, suddenly registering the two stoic expressions in front of him. "Is everything…"

"Page the on-call neuro," said Derek roughly, already turning back towards Meredith's room.

"But that's you," spluttered George, his voice full of disbelief. "They've been paging you for twenty minutes with no answer. That's why they finally sent me to hunt you down." Derek shook his head, glancing down to see a wealth of missed pages he hadn't even felt register on his pager. He looked back up helplessly, his eyes wide and lost. "Is something wrong?" asked George hesitantly, finding himself filled with unease over Derek's strange behavior.

"Meredith…" murmured Derek softly, speaking more to himself than either his wife or George. "I need to go be with Meredith."

"What? Oh my god," gasped George, as everything before him suddenly fell into place in his mind. "Is she okay? Did something happen to the baby?" As soon as he spoke, he grimaced painfully, his entire face flushing as he turned to stare open-mouthed at Addison. "I mean…" he began, his voice hesitant and utterly unsure.

"Relax, O'Malley," she replied, holding up a hand. "I'm about to go examine her now."

"She knows?" stuttered George, looking back and forth between the Shepherds. "I mean…you know?" he corrected himself apologetically.

Addison flashed him a dry smile, nodding her head. "Just found out actually." Without another word, she pivoted on her heel, and started to head towards Meredith's room. Instinctively, Derek moved to follow her, but she shook her head sharply. "No Derek," she said, whirling around and pointing a perfectly manicured finger at his chest. "You're going with Dr. O'Malley."

"No," he said flatly. "Meredith needs…"

"You are not leaving a fifteen year-old girl down in the trauma bay to die," continued Addison, interrupting him. "You tell Richard he needs to get another neurosurgeon in as soon as he can if you want. But you go, and you start the surgery."

"But Meredith…"

"Is my patient now." Addison looked him square in the eye, her voice calming yet firm. "Go see yours. I promise, I will take care of Meredith," she continued, and Derek finally nodded his head. "Besides," she added, somehow managing to speak lightly. "You'd just be in my way in there." At that, a brief flicker of a smile flashed across his face, and he seemed to snap out of the terrified daze he had been held in.

"Dr. O'Malley," he said sharply, turning to look at George who was still standing there silently, eyes wide. "Run ahead, and tell them to start prepping the OR."

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," he replied, and with one last nervous glance at them, he complied and hurried quickly towards the elevators.

In the sudden silence that followed, Addison and Derek found themselves staring at each other again. Their eyes were brimming with everything they knew still needed to be said, and it was holding them briefly frozen. "Just…" he said at last, shaking his head. "Just give me a minute." And Addison nodded mutely as he brushed past her, walking straight into Meredith's room. She tried not to pay attention as he bent over her, tightly clasping her small hand in his larger one. But it was like standing in front of a train wreck; she couldn't bring herself to look away. And so Addison simply stared, watching wide-eyed as her husband smoothed the stray strands of hair out of Meredith's face, and said something to her in a low gentle voice that brought a smile to her lips. Just when it was getting close to unbearable, Derek straightened up again, and came walking back out into the hall.

"Addie…" he began tentatively, taking in her somber face...her blue eyes that had lost their usual pale light. She just nodded her head, turning to stare blankly at him. "Thank you," he said softly, his expression sincere and grateful. "Thank you for doing this for me."

At that, Addison laughed sadly, almost bitterly; a shiver of a sound like the breaking of glass. "Not for you," she replied, her voice deathly quiet--the first open acknowledgement of just how much he had hurt her. "I'm doing this for the baby."

Derek nodded slowly, his face growing as solemn as hers. "Okay," he agreed in a whisper, and with that one word, he left her standing alone in the doorway to the room.

Addison wavered there for a moment; trying not to be overwhelmed, trying not to dread the knowledge that she had to turn and walk in through the open door to Meredith. She closed her eyes for a split second; unsure of how she had just survived all of that, and equally unsure of how she was going to survive what she knew was coming next. She wanted to go ahead and just let her heart break already for her marriage--but she swallowed hard, and forced herself to put it off for a little bit longer.

-----

_And…hmmm…yeah. We have no more Secret Baby Conspiracy. (Told ya it would be over soon, didn't I?) However, Mer/Der didn't get to end the Conspiracy on their own terms. Not at all. Because seriously, the ideal way to tell Addison is not the way she found out. And…I shall ramble about Addison first! (I have a hunch I have a lot to ramble about, so you know…just a warning that I am feeling very…ramble-y.) So, I know some people aren't Addison fans, however…hopefully you guys feel at least a teensy bit sorry for her here. Because, she's working with her husband and his ex, and she knows it's going to be awkward, and is actually trying to be fairly nice and friendly about it for a change, and then with no warning, she gets smacked in the face with the fact that Meredith is having her husband's baby. And that is a lot for her to take in, and Mer is in pain and Derek is worried about her, so Addison doesn't even get a decent explanation. She's just left standing there, pretty much in shock. Until Derek comes back out to get her to take care of Mer, because he is scared, and doesn't want just anybody taking care of Meredith. The fact that she was in enough pain to just go ahead and let Addison find out scares him, because he knew just how much she was dreading Addison finding out. And so, even though he knows Mer probably wouldn't want Addison to be her doctor, and he knows that he just dropped a huge bombshell on Addison, he goes ahead and asks her anyway. Because he trusts her, and he knows that she's the best. Plus, he's utterly terrified. He forces himself to stay in control around Mer, but when he's not around her, it overwhelms him. So much so that his wife ends up letting what he's done to her alone for awhile to simply comfort him. And Addison finds a way to swallow everything that she's feeling at the moment to go and take of Meredith, despite the fact that she knows it has effectively killed her marriage. But, in the end, she makes Derek do the same thing, and go and take care of his own patient. Because he's spent more than enough time being selfish over things, and Addison doesn't want this other patient to die when technically Derek can go to her. So, she promises him she'll take care of Meredith, and just forces herself to put off her own pain and emotions for a little while longer._

_And Meredith just…really shouldn't have been standing up and working pretty much continually for well over twenty-four hours. It wasn't smart. At all. Neither was continually refusing to sit down or rest or do anything remotely approaching sensible with regards to work and her baby. She was so caught up in keeping the fact that she was pregnant a secret that it ends up very much coming around to bite her in the ass. Because ignoring something that huge for that long? It's just dumb. She shouldn't have done it, Derek should've tried harder to stop her…a lot of things, but, in the end, it's what happened. And so now, Mer is scared and in pain, and doesn't know what's happening. On top of that, Addison knows now. And that is this huge wave of guilt for Meredith that has her just begging Derek to explain to Addison, because she knows this wasn't how this whole thing should've been handled. However, her problems with Derek that were making her miserable? When it really matters, they all just become insignificant. And so, in the moment, they just let go of all the awkwardness and the hurt feelings and everything, because she needs him, and he needs to be there for her. And he finally, finally is. That's not to say that it magically solved all of their problems, because it didn't. But, it did help them realize how insignificant all their arguing and ignoring each other was in the bigger picture. _

_So yes, that's about it. The Conspiracy is over. Addison knows. Mer/Der stop fighting. Etc., etc., etc… Yeah…lots of stuff happened. And we exchanged a bit of the emotional angst for…I'm not sure of what type of angst. But, I think it's a different variety angst. Perhaps… Anyway, thanks so much for reading. Hopefully, you enjoyed! _


	17. How To Save a Life

_So, hello again…welcome to the post-secret baby conspiracy world. Hmm…first of all, thanks so much for the reviews, and for saying you didn't mind the length. I love hearing what you guys think. I more than love it. I adore it, I double love it, I infinity love it, I love it enough to marry it. (I am five.) But yes, I'm so glad people are enjoying this story, and liked the end of the conspiracy. And are worried for Mer and the baby! Because yes, we should be worried…_

_Anyway, this chapter picks up right where the other one left off. Now, I feel I should point out I'm not a doctor. (Um…duh, clearly, obviously, etc.) But yes, not a doctor. And, my fancy medical advisory staff for this chapter? Wikipedia and good ol' Google. So yes, my point is, there is a fair amount of medical stuff in this chapter. Much more than what I usually include (which would be zilch) as I tend to gloss completely over that stuff. But yeah, it's kinda needed here. However, it's fuzzy medicine. I may have occasionally bended my findings to suit what I wanted in the story… So, if you know a lot about medical stuff, and this chapter makes you want to laugh and laugh and roll about on your floor and laugh some more, I do apologize. I tried. Very hard. (Just remember exhibit A, where we all learned I'm actually not a doctor. Shocking! Hee.) And yeah, that's about it. I've never done a chapter like this one before, but be assured, the next one will be back to stuff I know how to write about without needing to have another window open to continually look up things. And yep…enjoy! _

_-----  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came_  
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"So…you're my doctor," said Meredith quietly, her voice suddenly shy. She knew she was stating the obvious, but, right then, she couldn't think of anything else to say. Barely two minutes ago, when Derek had told her, it hadn't sounded that terrifying. Addison as her doctor…she could handle that. It wouldn't be so bad, and it would apparently be best for the baby. Somehow, Derek had even made her smile about it. Somehow…she couldn't remember how anymore though. All she knew was that the prospect of Addison examining her suddenly seemed horrifying, paralyzing even; the sort of idea so daunting that she barely even noticed the intense ripple of pain passing across her stomach. It was an insignificant twinge next to the sight of Addison leaning against the doorframe, her perfectly parted hair swishing slightly as she nodded, her attention trained on reading the chart the nurse had already started. It didn't matter how good of a doctor she was, Meredith was sure this was a bad idea. It had to be, because Addison had barely entered the room, and she already felt as if she were shrinking. She felt pathetically small and hopeless laying there in bed, dwarfed by the glaring white room around her. This was wrong and awkward and unfair and a thousand other things that shouldn't be happening. Only keeping up an insistent chorus of _"It's best for the baby," _inside her mind stopped Meredith from curling into a ball of pain--from begging her to go away and just bring Derek back, to please…bring Derek back. But she couldn't ask Addison for Derek… Meredith forced herself to swallow the lump in her throat, and watch as Addison walked forward across the room. Her heels seemed to echo loudly throughout the small space, pounding out every step that brought her closer, her figure looming into something more and more intimidating.

But, as she reached the bed, Addison simply nodded again. "I am," she agreed at last, settling easily down into the chair that waited there, and crossing one long leg over the other. Her voice was calm and utterly casual--every movement unbearably normal--as if Meredith were just another patient. As if the baby in question were just another baby, and not her husband's child. It left Meredith feeling even more overwhelmed, to lay there and watch Addison remain perfectly poised and unaffected while she herself felt as if her skin were crawling from the sheer painful awkwardness of what had only just begun.

"Okay," she mumbled hopelessly, and at that, Addison looked up from the chart, her eyes locking with the younger woman's. As they did, Meredith suddenly realized that Addison didn't think this was normal at all. Her eyes were the precise opposite of her calm demeanor; deep pools of sadness mingled with doubt and a kind of quiet horror. It was riveting in an unpleasant sort of way, and they both just stared at each other, their minds racing wildly, but volunteering nothing. As if frozen, neither looked away until Meredith was forced to. She found herself wincing in pain again, her hand flying to her stomach and her teeth biting hard into her lower lip.

"Right," said Addison, her voice sharp as Meredith's cry served to snap her out of her undesired reverie. "Dr. Grey…I need you to describe the pain for me, as best you can."

"The pain?" gasped Meredith as she gingerly rubbed the aching curve of her stomach. Addison simply nodded expectantly. "Umm…it comes and goes," she mumbled, staring down at the bed to avoid locking eyes a second time with Addison. "Everything gets really…tight, I guess. And it's just intense and uncomfortable." She ran a finger along the frayed edge of the hospital gown she'd been helped into by the nurse, trying to remember what she had wanted to say. "Oh…" she added at last, and as she looked up suddenly, the dizzying rush that filled her head would have served to jog her memory if she hadn't already figured it out. "And I'm dizzy. But, that was worse before."

"Before?" echoed Addison.

"Umm yeah. Before, when I was standing up. In the hallway…" Meredith's voice trailed off awkwardly as she thought back to just what had happened in the hallway. Her face flushed, and she promptly stared down at the bed again. However Addison just cleared her throat, giving another brisk jerk of her head.

"Okay then," she said, shifting slightly in her chair. "Those would be contractions."

"Right…contractions," echoed Meredith helplessly, letting her head fall back to rest against the pillow behind her. She suddenly felt as if crying might be a nice option. However, she figured crying in front of Addison had a place right at the top of the list of things she could do to make this even more humiliating than it already was. She bit her lip, wishing Derek could've stayed. Then she could have cried freely. Although, Meredith had a hunch that if he had stayed she would feel fine. Well, not fine so much as simply not teetering on the thin line between controlled and hysterical the way she seemed to be at the moment. Forcing herself to take a deep calming breath, Meredith noticed how awkward the silence had become, and instinctively moved to say something--anything--to break it. "You think I would've realized that," she muttered at last, her voice quickly growing frustrated and bitter. "Seeing as I'm a doctor."

That seemed to affect Addison somehow, because, for the first time since she had come into the room, her tone softened…not a whole lot, but the change was noticeable. "It's different when it's actually happening to you," she said quietly as a hint of a reassuring smile ghosted across her face. Happening to her… None of this was supposed to be happening to her. She was a doctor--programmed to think of herself as existing only on the other side of the invisible line between patient and caregiver. She wasn't supposed to be lying there in a bed, potentially losing her baby. At the thought of her baby, Meredith promptly forced her mind to shut down, refusing to let herself contemplate any possibility other than the baby being fine. She tried to answer Addison instead, but could only nod, her eyes wide and helpless as she stared up at the ceiling. "And you're dizzy?" continued Addison suddenly, her voice becoming brisk and businesslike once again.

The reply was a strangled little moan of agreement. "Yes…"

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Umm…" Meredith found herself grateful for the distraction provided by the question, and closed her eyes, racking her brain for the answer. It certainly hadn't been today. "Yesterday," she remembered at last. "Around seven o'clock I think."

Addison frowned--eyebrows arching inward together as her lips disappeared into a tight little line--but she made no comment, simply continued with her questions. "Have you had anything to drink? Any water?"

"I had a Coke," Meredith admitted, her voice growing guilty as she watched Addison's frown deepen. "When I was on-call last night."

"I see," said Addison, suddenly closing Meredith's chart with a sharp snap. "On-call so that means no sleep, practically no food, and no water. Grey, please don't _even _ask me why you're having contractions." Her tone was annoyed and frustrated. Meredith wasn't sure if she could call it angry, but it seemed fairly close. And so she just nodded her head, a low guilty moan escaping her lips as she turned her head to face the wall, blinking back the sudden strong threat of tears. "Nurse…um, your name?" continued Addison, spinning about in her chair towards the nurse that was still hovering in the corner of the room.

"Angela," supplied the woman.

"Right. Angela," said Addison, casting a glance back at Meredith. "We need to get her hydrated immediately. Start a peripheral IV with a saline drip." The nurse simply nodded and left the room, leaving Meredith alone with Addison as her stomach tightened painfully again, her breathing growing shaky as a result. "Breathe Grey," continued Addison as Meredith shuddered, gasping in pain. "Slower than that," she corrected sharply. Meredith's eyes flashed with a bright spark of annoyance as she finally caught her breath.

"I'm trying," she stammered, suddenly feeling defensive.

Addison frowned, looking as if she were about to snap at her, but after a moment, her expression relaxed somewhat. "I know they hurt," she said, and Meredith just nodded, her hand still clutching her stomach. "But the calmer you can stay, the better it will be for your baby. So try as hard as you can to just keep breathing evenly…through the pain. Can you do that for me, Grey?"

"Yes," murmured Meredith meekly, meeting Addison's eyes for a split second before looking away again.

"Good. Now, can you tell if there's a pattern to the contractions, or if they're sporadic?" asked Addison, suddenly standing up and walking across the room.

"Huh?" Meredith shook her head uncertainly, her attention caught on the sight of Addison retrieving a pair of gloves from the box mounted on the wall, and pulling them easily onto her hands as she turned back around. She adjusted them--the sharp snap of latex filling Meredith's ears--before she spoke.

"Is there a rhythm to them," continued Addison, her eyes growing sharply inquisitive. "Can you predict when they'll come at all?"

"Oh…no," moaned Meredith, her hair creating a soft rustling whisper against the pillowcase as she shook her head. "I can't. They just seem to come out of nowhere."

"Okay," said Addison simply. She walked back over, her black pointed heel coming down hard against the peddle attached to the bed. Meredith winced as the surface beneath her shifted, gradually transforming into a low sloping seat.

The scant reply made her nervous, and Meredith found herself once again filled with the disconcerting feeling of forgetting all that she knew about medicine. "Is sporadic…" she stammered as Addison eased her legs up for her, slipping them into the stirrups on either side of the bed. "Is sporadic bad?"

The sound of the nurse coming back into the room, cart full of necessary instruments in tow, gave Addison the chance to look away for a moment--nodding her head in greeting. She forced herself to take a deep breath, once again biting back the impulse to snap at Meredith. It would be so easy to lash out at her; and she seemed to be continually battling the desire to just go ahead and thank her with as much bitterness as she could muster--which, at the moment, would be a hell of a lot--for ruining whatever shred of a chance there had been for saving her marriage. But, at last successfully swallowing the urge, she turned back around. And as she did, part of the impulse died altogether due to the simple fact that Meredith looked utterly terrified. She was wincing in pain once again; face pale and eyes haunted, arms cradling her belly almost desperately.

"Addison…?" she pleaded as soon as she could speak again.

Addison cleared her throat, shaking her head slightly. "No…Meredith," she said slowly, finally using the woman's first name. "A pattern would be much worse. A rhythm to it suggests labor, which is what we're trying to make sure you're not in."

"Okay," whimpered Meredith, the tension in her face lessening ever so slightly. "No pattern…no labor…" she murmured to herself, her fingers dancing across her stomach as if to reassure her baby. "That's good."

"It's good," agreed Addison. "But, I won't know if you're in labor until I check if you're dilated."

Meredith's face flushed instantly. "Oh. Right," she said quietly, staring up at the ceiling.

"You know, just in case this wasn't already awkward enough for you," continued Addison, with something that almost came close to sympathetic amusement in her voice.

But Meredith found she could only groan. "Seriously…"

She turned her head away, staring with what she assumed must appear to be some sort of twisted masochistic fascination as Angela took her arm and prepared to start the IV. However, the truth was that watching the nurse search for a suitable vein gave her something to concentrate on beside the utterly uncomfortable and disconcerting sensation of having Derek's wife leaning forward between her legs. _Satan…McWife… _She didn't want to think about that. Meredith bit her lip, staring even more intently at the sight of the hollow needle moving towards her skin. Just as the tip punctured the vein--as if cruelly timed by fate--another wave of pain accosted her stomach and she flinched, her arm moving reflexively away from the nurse. The needle slipped and she let out a small yelp as she watched the blood bloom beneath her skin, forming a large perfectly oval bruise.

"Relax Grey," said Addison sharply, even as Meredith hissed in pain. "What I need is for you to stay calm, remember?"

"Yes," mumbled Meredith, her voice guilty and apologetic. "Sorry." She forced herself to take a deep breath as the nurse apologized as well, moving the tourniquet to a new position on her arm. And this time, nothing caused her to flinch. She stared with wide eyes, not even caring about the simple pain of the needle moving slowly and certainly into her vein. It was nothing. Painful, but such a little thing. She felt as if she would gladly take a thousand such needle sticks, if it only meant her stomach would relax, stop tightening…stop terrifying her. That was a sort of pain she had never understood before; something deep and fearsome that had her crying out more from the agony of uncertainty than the actual physical hurt. And even as she thought about her contractions, another one hit her, and she had to fight desperately to just keep breathing evenly and not give into the desire to burst into tears.

"Good," came Addison's voice, filled with a gentleness Meredith had never heard before. "You breathe Meredith." She just nodded her head, eyes screwed tightly shut as Addison's voice washed over her and the soreness faded away. When it passed and she could open her eyes again, it was to the sight of the other woman snapping her gloves off and disposing of them at the far side of the room. She blinked in surprise--realizing that she had been so caught up in the pain that she hadn't even noticed Addison standing up.

The memory of what she had been doing came rushing back, and Meredith felt herself fill with apprehension. "Am I…?" she began tentatively--her voice small and uncertain--already dreading the answer and what it could mean.

"No," interrupted Addison, a strange almost strained smile crossing her face. "You're not dilated."

A soft whoosh of air escaped past her lips as Meredith let out a breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding. "I'm not?" she echoed disbelievingly, pure relief filling her body.

"You're not."

"That's a good thing…"

Addison nodded her head, crossing back over and sitting down in front of the bed. "It's a very good thing. It means we can relax a little." At that, Meredith's head hit the pillow and she closed her eyes, her hands running reassuringly over her stomach. She took a deep breath, smiling for the first time since Derek had left to go to surgery. When she opened her eyes again, Addison was watching her hands as they trailed lovingly over the curve of her child, a curious almost blank expression on her face. Meredith's hands stilled instantly and Addison looked up, the two women staring at each other uncertainly for a moment. Slowly, Meredith pulled her hands from her stomach, trying to decide if it was pain she saw in Addison's eyes or something else entirely. But before she could figure it out, Addison cleared her throat and turned away--the air in the room feeling suddenly cold.

"Um…" began Meredith awkwardly. "What do we do next?"

Addison looked back up again, a tightlipped smile firmly masking the medley of emotions that had been on display just a minute before. "An ultrasound," she said simply, tucking her hair back behind her ears. "To check and see if anything beyond exhaustion is causing your contractions. Since you're not dilated, ideally they should start lessening on their own…now that you're resting." Meredith nodded earnestly, letting herself sink a little deeper into the angled folds of the bed. "While contractions this early aren't unheard of," continued Addison, a sudden frown flickering across her features. "They're supposed to just be painless, or uncomfortable at worst. And they usually go away after a bit of rest. However, yours are clearly quite intense and painful, so…"

"They don't hurt that much," volunteered Meredith determinedly, wanting to reassure herself that things were perfectly normal despite the fact that Addison had been with her the whole time--seeing every grimace, hearing every cry.

Addison simply raised an eyebrow, her expression growing stern. "Yours are clearly quite intense and painful," she repeated.

"I…" began Meredith, only to have her words cut short by yet another pang in her stomach. Her breath came in a sharp hiss--her fingernails digging into the palms of her hands. When she looked up again, Addison's raised eyebrow had arched even higher.

"Dr. Grey," she said, her voice suddenly flat and annoyed. "Telling me you're not in pain when you are isn't going help here. I need to know."

Meredith found she could only nod meekly, intimidated by the sight of Addison standing up to tower over her, her pale blue eyes clearly irritated. "Okay," she admitted. "They hurt…" She chanced a wary smile at Addison, but the other woman simply nodded sharply.

"Put your arms behind your head," she stated, and Meredith obliged; moving her right arm easily, but lifting the left--with its stinging IV needle and large bruise--more gingerly. She watched in silence, her face blank and expressionless as Addison and the nurse moved to set up the ultrasound. She was biting her lip nervously, trying not to mind that this was the first time she was seeing her baby; that she was still too terrified to feel properly excited about it, and kept wincing in pain every so often as they finished setting up the machine and smoothed the gel across her stomach. It almost felt surreal, as if she were watching from some distant place as the probe was placed against her bare belly and the display screen flickered to life in scratchy black and white. The image seemed to swim before her eyes, and she found herself too caught up in the spasms of pain that passed through her stomach to decipher what she was used to reading with a natural ease.

"It's alive…right?" she heard herself ask at last in a thin desperate voice, still feeling very much as if she were watching from far away. At that, Addison turned and fixed her with a puzzled frown.

"Yes," she said simply, clicking a nail against the image on the screen. "It's moving about. Can't you tell?"

"Right," murmured Meredith softly, a single tear running down her cheek. She turned and wiped it on the pillowcase, feeling suddenly grateful that it was on the side of her face opposite Addison. "Yeah…good," she continued, shaking her head and staring blankly at the screen. A tortured gasp escaped her lips as another twinge shot sharply across her stomach, and Addison turned back once more to stare at her.

Her eyebrows were still drawn into a frown as she asked, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah…I just," began Meredith, her voice light and breathy. "I had…" Addison was nodding expectantly, and Meredith heard her voice falter, some of the anxiety she had been trying so desperately to control spilling out and making her shudder as she spoke. "I hadn't seen the baby before," she stammered at last, shaking her head. "And now…I can't even see it now." Her voice turned into a sad distressed moan as she turned back and blinked once more at the screen, adding, "Every time I try to…it hurts again, and I can't…" She trailed off, her teeth sinking hard into her lower lip to keep herself from crying out as her stomach tightened painfully once more.

"Hey," said Addison, her voice curiously soft and gentle. "You breathe Meredith. You breathe. That's all you need to do." Meredith nodded her head, biting back the complaint that what she _needed _was to see her baby. But almost as soon as she had swallowed the thought, Addison was speaking again, adding, "And watch my hand." She stretched her arm out, laying a single finger gently against the screen. "That's its head," she said as she traced her finger slowly along the curve of a tiny little skull. "And there's a shoulder, and two little hands…it's got them in fists. See?" Meredith nodded again, her eyes desperately following the path of Addison's finger as it outlined the length of the child. Although she was still breathing heavily, she started to relax a little; the image shifted from a confusing muddle into something both familiar and almost unbearably beautiful. "That's your baby," concluded Addison at last, taking her eyes from monitoring the screen for a moment to cast a glance back at Meredith.

Meredith was still nodding her head, her gaze fixated on the image of the tiny fetus, a weak but definite smile lighting up her face. "Thank you…" she whispered softly, tiredly--feeling her exhaustion once more now that she had calmed down somewhat. Addison just gave a single jerk of her head in response, her attention already back on the screen. "Is everything…" Meredith paused mid-sentence, gasping as her stomach tensed sharply again, her breathing escalating rapidly until she remembered and forced it back to normal. "Is everything alright?" she asked at last, her voice wavering as she spoke.

"I'm still checking," replied Addison, watching the screen intently. "You just relax though. I want your contractions to stop on their own if possible, and the best chance of that happening is through you resting." Meredith nodded obediently, trying not to be alarmed by the knowledge that they hadn't yet lessened in the slightest. She simply focused on the sonogram, staring raptly at the image of the baby. Of her baby…Derek's baby. _Their_ baby. And suddenly, Meredith realized just how cruelly unfair this all was to the woman beside her.

"I'm sorry…"

The words simply slipped from her lips. They had both refrained from mentioning the fact that this wasn't normal; this wasn't a clear cut line of doctor and patient. Things weren't purely clinical and easy. It was a painfully tangled web ensnaring them both, and, even before Meredith had referenced it outright, that fact had hung heavily in the room. But, as the words left her lips, things changed. Addison tensed visibly, her fingers tightening around the probe as her posture straightened…grew almost rigid. She moved her head ever so slightly, but didn't turn around. For a long time she didn't even say anything, simply left Meredith laying there feeling awkward and uncertain.

But then she finally spoke…just one word, and it danced that careful border between a demand and natural curiosity. "Why?"

"Um…" began Meredith, pausing to swallow the lump in her throat. She wasn't sure why she was doing this when she could easily just remain silent. She could just lay there and stare at the ultrasound, and pretend that things were normal. But, everything was a world away from normal. She couldn't even be happy about seeing her baby because, in the back of her mind, there was this whirling white noise that she thought might be the sound of absolute terror. And now that she'd opened her mouth and acknowledged how far from perfect all this was, she couldn't seem to hold back. Even so, her voice was a soft and quiet whisper. "It's my fault you found out like this," she murmured, biting her lip anxiously. "I…uh…asked Derek not to tell you."

"Oh…" Addison closed her eyes, and let out a small almost strangled laugh. "What…ignorance is bliss?"

"Um…we…" stammered Meredith, countless apologies waiting just behind her lips. But, before she could speak, another strong biting wave of pain passed through her body, and everything she meant to say was swallowed up beneath the sound of her groaning in agony. When she had recovered, the words had been forgotten, and she found herself giving voice to the first thought that popped into her head. "That's what I thought when you showed up."

Addison finally turned around then, one eyebrow raised and a hand on her hip. Her mouth hung open for a long time--her eyes bright yet unsure--as if racing through a long list of possible replies. In the end she just smirked, and the expression was both amused and sad. "Ah so this is payback? Satan finally gets what she deserves?"

"No," said Meredith at once, her reply coming out in a horrified gasp. "That wasn't what this was. I just…" Her voice trailed off and she shook her head, trying to find a way to explain. "I wanted him to be certain," she said at last.

"Certain?" echoed Addison slowly, and Meredith saw the look of confusion gradually slide of her face to be replaced by an expression of perfect comprehension. "Oh…" she said, and her voice was soft and heartrending. "You mean he was going to leave me."

"I…" began Meredith awkwardly, but Addison shook her head, suddenly laughing.

"No, that does sound like him. Probably offered almost the second you told him right?" Meredith simply shrugged and looked away, but Addison seemed to see an answer in that small gesture. "I thought so. Derek can be painfully noble," she murmured, sounding almost as if she were speaking to herself instead of Meredith. She had returned to the ultrasound screen, but, after a moment, she let her gaze wander back to Meredith as her eyebrows knit together in a sudden intense expression of curiosity. "But wait, let me get this straight," she said sharply, her voice almost disbelieving. "You _made_ him stay?"

Meredith turned slowly back around. She was starting to wish she had never started this conversation. Derek was…there was just no good way to discuss Derek with Addison. It was stupid to even try. Meredith looked up warily, studying her face. She was expecting anger or frustration…something hostile. But strangely, Addison's eyes weren't exactly angry. They were filled with a sort of painful curiosity stretched over a deeper layer of sorrow, and Meredith realized that Addison wanted…maybe even needed to hear the truth from her. And so she nodded, her voice coming out in a whisper. "Until he's certain… I don't want to be with him as just his obligation."

For some reason, Addison smiled at that. It wasn't a large smile, but there was a flicker there…as if of sudden understanding. "You're more interesting than I thought, Meredith Grey," she said, and the tone of her voice was not quite proud, but…appreciative in an odd sort of way.

They stared at each other for a moment; for the first time both of them simultaneously keeping their gaze unguarded. However, before either of them could come up with anything to say in order to propel their strange conversation on for a little longer, Meredith drew in her breath sharply, arching her back as another wave of pain stretched across her stomach.

"Careful," said Addison at once, stepping firmly back over to the other side of the line--letting herself disappear behind the veil of professionalism, and revert to being only the doctor. "Slower…breathe deeper," she coaxed as Meredith whimpered in pain, freeing her hand from where it had rested behind her head to instead grasp at her side. She just nodded, her lips trembling softly. "Okay, no talking now," continued Addison firmly. "I want you to close your eyes and see if you can try to sleep."

Meredith let out an incredulous snort at that. "Seriously?"

Addison sighed and shook her head, her lips drawing into a thin line. "I don't mean you'll actually be able to sleep. But trying to will help. I want you to get that calm, your body needs…"

"They're not stopping, are they?" interrupted Meredith, a note of panic edging its way into her voice.

"We can wait a little longer," said Addison gently. "Just relax."

But Meredith shook her head fiercely, struggling to sit up straighter. She knew that tone; that soft pacifying way of speaking to blunt the sharp edges and sugarcoat everything. Shaking her head again, she ignored Addison's continued suggestions to just relax. She couldn't. They simply seemed to be giving the fear within her a more and more pointed and painful edge. "Don't," she stammered, her voice shaky and pleading. "Don't talk to me like a patient…please. I'm a doctor. You have to…you have to talk to me…"

"Okay," interrupted Addison quickly, alarmed at how agitated she was becoming. "I'll talk to you." She hesitated for a moment, not fully understanding the sudden pang of sympathy that passed through her as Meredith gratefully nodded her head. Instead of letting herself contemplate it, she took a deep breath, and forced herself to just continue. "I was hoping that they would've stopped on their own by now. Or, at least started to lessen…"

She frowned at Meredith, and the girl gave a slow nod of her head. "But they haven't."

"They haven't," agreed Addison. "If they don't soon, I'm going to have to stop them."

"Okay," whimpered Meredith, biting her lip as she felt another sharp twinge in her side. "Shouldn't we just…go ahead and do that now?"

"No," said Addison immediately. "I want to avoid giving you the drug if possible. It can easily cause complications on its own, so…" She gave Meredith a stern look, her lips still caught in a thin line. "_Rest_. Just lay there and close your eyes and breathe. The baby's not in distress, which means we can give it a little longer."

Meredith just nodded obediently, not knowing what else to do. She laid back down, trying to ignore the way her eyes burned with hidden tears as she closed them. Her breath shuddered past her lips; a soft shaky sound. She wanted to relax, but the only thoughts that agreed to stay within her mind were all uniformly terrifying. Abstract ideas seemed to somehow take physical shape, contorting into images straight out of nightmares. And as she tried to sleep they taunted her, pointing out that if the contractions didn't stop, if she lost the baby--if anything happened to the baby--she could only blame herself. It would be her fault…_all her fault_. She whimpered and closed her eyes tighter, as if that might silence her thoughts. But it didn't. All Meredith knew was a constant rotating wheel filled with the fear of loss, guilt and bottomless uncertainty. She almost wished Addison would just start yelling over Derek, or the baby, or…anything, really; then she could fill her ears with accusations and blot out her own haunting thoughts. However, the only reprieve granted her from her racing mind was the distraction caused by the waves of pain that passed through her stomach, making her whimper and occasionally cry out. And they were no help. Meredith was trying to ignore them; pretending that they were going away.

She lost track of how long she lay there; drifting through the pain and thoughts that were both dark and terrifying. It felt like forever…or a stretch of time that simply was incapable of being measured. However, the soft shuffling silence that had existed for so long was broken suddenly by the sound of Addison's voice. She spoke in a low murmur to the nurse--as if not to disturb Meredith--but the sound yanked her back hard into reality and out of her thoughts. She kept her eyes closed, just listening as Addison spoke, asking, "Angela?"

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Is there any Terbutaline in that cart?" Her question was followed by the sound of things being shifted, of someone searching, and finally an answer in the negative. "Right," continued Addison quietly. "Then I need you to get me some immediately."

Meredith's eyes flew open as the nurse agreed, and her footsteps echoed quickly out of the room and down the hall. "What?" stammered Meredith, looking up uncertainly at Addison.

Addison simply smiled reassuringly at her--and that alone was disconcerting. "Keep resting just like you're doing," she said, her voice calm and measured. "I'm going to go ahead and try to stop the contractions."

But resting suddenly became impossible as Meredith felt a wave of blind panic well up within her. "Try?" she echoed weakly.

"Yes. They're intensifying instead of slowing down, and so I need to stop them."

Meredith just shook her head fiercely. "No," she stammered, her eyes wide. "You said _try_. As in you might not be able to? What happens if you can't stop them?"

"Let's try to stop them before we worry about that," said Addison calmly, her eyes glued to the scratchy image of the baby.

"No," gasped Meredith as her body contracted in pain again. The reawakened fear seemed to make the sensation that much sharper, that much more intense, and she moaned, twisting away to her side as her shoulders shook slightly. "No…" she stammered again, her breathing heavy. "If you can't stop them, that'll be bad."

It wasn't so much of a question as a statement, but still it begged for an answer. Addison found herself closing her eyes as she nodded her head. "Yes," she said quietly.

"As in?" pressed Meredith, her voice thin and desperate. She didn't know why she was asking. She knew what would happen if they didn't stop, but for some reason, she had an overwhelming tormented need to hear it out loud. Addison finally turned around and looked at her, staring down at Meredith's strained and ashen face.

She sighed heavily; knowing that she was simply stating the obvious, but finding herself unable to keep from complying with the woman's wish. "Your exhausted, and if they keep up this intensely, your body won't be able to handle it. You'll end up going into labor."

"Preterm labor," corrected Meredith in a small voice.

Addison nodded sadly, agreeing, "Preterm labor."

"Right…" muttered Meredith as her body seized up again--tight and painful--and she curled inward in shock, a shaky cry escaping her lips. Her hands were clinging desperately to her stomach, and when she finally opened her eyes again, the nurse had returned. She felt as if she were suddenly caught up in a whirlwind where she was frozen, and yet a thousand things were happening all around her, much too quickly for her to focus on. Blinking helplessly, she watched as they attached her to several monitors instead of just relying on the ultrasound. Her heartbeat and her baby's flickered suddenly into something visible as they both pulsed across screens in the bold neon lines of an EKG. The Terbutaline was pushed into her through the IV, and she tried to listen to Addison's voice as she told her not to worry…that everything was going to be okay. However, Addison's gaze never once left the monitors, and that fact alone made the uncertainty Meredith was feeling tighten into something much, much sharper. She wanted to relax and stay calm, to help the baby. But, she felt herself choking on fear; as if the emotion had somehow turned into something cold and thick and slimy, that filled her throat and made it impossible to breathe.

And then Meredith turned her head towards the door, and literally couldn't breathe anymore.

The nurse had forgotten to shut it when she'd returned, and, just beyond the open doorway, a swarm of people had gathered. Some were lingering, some just passing by, but every single head was turned towards her. Meredith felt herself growing faint as the buzzing noise of their voices leapt out of the background and became something concrete. She could hear her name flitting from mouth to mouth…her name and Derek's. Every word spoken seemed to come out scandalous and full of things she thought were secret, and it hit her in a rush. Now everybody knew. _Everybody_. And, in that moment, it was just too much. She cried out in pain, and when it passed, she couldn't seem to gasp a single breath of air. She felt as if she were dizzy, shaking and falling apart, and _everybody _was watching her.

Addison turned around in alarm, looking up from the monitor to focus on Meredith, when she herself noticed the growing crowd beyond the room. "Angela, close the damn door," she snapped, reaching over and taking the ultrasound probe back from the nurse.

"Oh," gasped the woman, turning around in astonishment. "Of course. Sorry."

"Meredith, it's okay," said Addison quickly, but Meredith just shook her head, her chest rising and falling violently. "Calm down. It's going to be fine."

"No," she stammered, practically choking out her words. "Everybody…knows. Nobody was…it was…" Suddenly, everything was wrong and everything hurt. She wanted to hide away and fold into herself, to turn into something small and unnoticeable. Only it was too late. Everybody knew, and nobody was supposed to know… Meredith shook her head, losing what little air she had started to inhale when another burst of pain filled her stomach, and she gasped and started sobbing.

"Whoa…" came a sudden voice--loud and displeased--filling the air before the nurse had time to make it to the door. "What the hell are you people doing? This girl is not your entertainment." Meredith blinked rapidly, trying to focus on the familiar sound even as her lungs felt like they were burning. "Now you've all got three seconds to disappear before I have you doing her post-op notes for the rest of her internship!" A short figure appeared briefly in the doorway, reaching out to close the door from the outside, when Addison looked up again from where she had been bent down, trying to comfort Meredith.

"Miranda?" she called, and Bailey nodded, poking her head into the room. "You've heard?" she asked, gesturing towards Meredith's shaking form.

"The whole hospital's heard," said Bailey sadly, shaking her head. "Gossip travels too damn fast here."

"Then do you think you can help me calm her down?" continued Addison as Bailey made her way into the room. "She's nearly hyperventilating, and she's your intern, so maybe…" Addison paused as an awkward grimace crossed her face. "I just don't think she finds me all that calming," she added.

"Of course," agreed Bailey immediately, trading places with Addison--freeing her to return her attention to the monitors. Meredith simply blinked up at her, still breathing in hard ragged gasps. "Grey," continued Bailey, sinking into the chair beside her intern. "Can you hear me?"

"Dr. Bailey…" managed Meredith, her voice coming out thin and breakable.

"Yeah," she said gently. "That's good. That's me."

Meredith just shook her head violently, moaning in pain again. "You know," she gasped at last. "I'm sorry…I just…" She swallowed hard, trying to speak through the strange combination of sobs and gasps that were shaking her small frame. "You know…everybody knows."

"Shhh," insisted Bailey. "That's okay. Just breathe…slow, deep breaths."

"It was a secret," moaned Meredith, her green eyes darkening frantically. "Nobody was…and now everybody…" She trailed off, her voice turning into a series of gasps filled with the words everybody and nobody.

"Meredith," said Bailey, reaching out and grabbing her hand. "It's okay. It doesn't matter that everybody knows." She shook her head, her eyes sharp and irritated as her eyebrows drew together in a frown, adding, "Don't you worry about the damn fools talking out there." Meredith swallowed hard, trying to focus on Bailey's words--to give herself something to cling to beside the slick and overwhelming wall of fear she had been thrown against. "Just think about the baby," continued Bailey, her voice low and reassuring. "It needs you to breathe, okay? Can you do that? Just slowly…in and out…"

Meredith nodded her head, trying to force herself to slow down despite the fact that she could feel her heart racing, pounding violently against her chest. She took a deeper gasp of air, holding it briefly before letting it out again. She felt as if she'd forgotten what normal breathing was like. Now, the air tasted like her tears, and came in short bitter bursts that burned her throat almost unbearably.

"That's good," soothed Bailey, as her intern finally started to shake a little less. "Keep breathing Meredith. Just like that."

Meredith nodded her head, but let out a sudden gasp that escalated quickly into a tortured cry. She felt as if she were filled with a splintering strangling pain, sharper and colder than anything she had felt before; as if she were melting into a world that was pitch black and filled with nothing save for agony. "Derek…" she wheezed desperately, using her first breath to call for him as her nails dug angry half circles into Bailey's hand. "Where's Derek?" she spluttered, utterly losing her ability to breathe slowly, and simply sobbing through the pain, the sounds twisting into his name. "Derek…I need…I…" She gasped for air but couldn't seem to find any, the ragged sounds of her breathing drowning out everything around her. But as the pain finally lessened, she found herself focusing in on Addison's face, and guilt welled up again alongside everything else. "I'm…sorry," she stammered, shaking her head. "I didn't mean…that. He can stay in sur…he can…I…"

"Shhh it's okay Meredith," said Addison, despite the dull ache that had filled her at hearing another woman cry out so desperately for her husband. "It's okay. We just need you to breathe, remember?"

"No, I can't," moaned Meredith. "I'm sorry… No breathing…I can't…I…" She started coughing, choking on her own sobs, as her body tried instinctively to curl into a ball as if mimicking the pose of the child within her.

"Put her on oxygen," said Addison abruptly, her voice urgent as she stared down at Meredith's wide almost unseeing eyes. Bailey nodded and moved to slip the mask over Meredith's face, as Addison turned back to the nurse. "Push 8 of Diazepam," she ordered.

"You're sedating her?" asked Bailey as the nurse fiddled with the IV.

"No choice," said Addison simply, her attention once again riveted to the monitors, frowning as several began to beep wildly. "She's raising the baby's heart rate drastically. The drugs aren't even going to have a chance to work if I don't." Bailey nodded again, watching with an apprehension she wasn't used to feeling as the sedative was pushed in through the IV to quickly flood the intern's body.

Meredith shuddered and cried out, and then suddenly…just blinked, staring blindly up at the ceiling. She thought she felt a hand running through her hair--soft and soothing--and something cool being pressed against her feverish skin. She wasn't sure though. Somehow, despite all her gasping and convulsing, she felt air making its way into her lungs. It burned angrily, but it was there, and she no longer felt as if she were choking--about to drown. The thick oppressive wall of pain that seemed to originate within her abdomen and spread wildly from there was lessening--dulling and drifting away. Or maybe it was she who was drifting away… She wasn't sure. But something was drifting, and the room seemed to be growing lighter. She blinked again, lazily this time, watching with quiet amazement as the room was swallowed up in a pure white light, and the voices around her became muted echoes she couldn't properly hear. Suddenly, everything was simply soft and not so scary, and all Meredith knew was that she was suspended there in the midst of some sort of faded world.

The two women beside her breathed a collective sigh of relief as she finally stopped trembling, and her expression grew blank and distant. The violently beeping monitors returned to their normal rhythms, and Addison looked down, surprised to find herself holding Meredith's left hand nearly as tightly as Bailey held her right.

"There, there," said Bailey soothingly, stroking Meredith's hair with her free hand. "You're okay. That's right. You're fine…" Aside from the low murmur of Bailey's voice--speaking to her intern as if she were a little girl--the room was almost deathly silent. There was nothing save the sound of breathing, and the low, thankfully rhythmic, beeping of the monitors. They sat like that for a long time, until Addison finally let herself relax somewhat, and turn away from continually watching the various screens surrounding Meredith. "How's she doing?" asked Bailey quietly.

Addison sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Better," she said, sinking back into her chair. "The contractions are lessening. Now I've just got to watch, and hope they stop altogether."

Bailey nodded slowly before looking up from Meredith, and across the bed to study Addison's face. "And how're you doing?"

Addison's face just twisted into a puzzled frown. "Huh?"

"Are you okay?" she continued, her head tilting slightly towards Meredith's visibly swollen stomach.

"Oh…" Addison hesitated, letting out an anxious peal of laughter. "No," she said at last. "No…I'm not okay." She bit her lip, staring down at her hands before adding, "But I think I'll feel better once I go home and…break some of Derek's fishing rods." Bailey didn't say anything--simply nodded her head solemnly--and Addison's expression grew quickly alarmed. "That was a joke," she added hastily. "I was joking."

But Bailey just looked up, and gave her a quiet reassuring smile. "Wouldn't blame you if you weren't," she said softly. Addison seemed to relax at that, sighing and returning her attention to the monitors once again. Bailey glanced back at Meredith's silent form, giving her hand one last squeeze, before rising to her feet. "Unless you need anything else, I've got to go and talk to my interns. They've all managed to turn themselves hysterical over Grey."

Addison shook her head slowly. "No. I'm good here," she said. "Go talk to them. They've got a strange sort of family…those interns."

"That they do."

"All of them loyal to Grey," she continued almost wistfully. "And apparently now, so am I." She let out a sad bark of a laugh as she jerked her head towards the tiny scratchy image of her husband's child, and the monitors she was still watching carefully.

Bailey sighed, and straightened out her lab coat. "Yeah well, you're doing your job," she said. "We're doctors, that's what we do. Our damn jobs, no matter what." Addison just laughed and nodded her head.

"Yeah…" she agreed, her voice quiet. "About those interns," she continued suddenly, turning around before Bailey made it out the door. Bailey looked back and nodded expectantly. "Let them know they can't see her yet. If she's going to be okay, she needs to have nothing upset her for awhile. Give her body the chance to regain some strength for once. And her friends are…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.

"A loud bunch of fools," supplied Bailey. "Don't worry. I'll keep the idiots at bay."

The two women smiled at each other, simultaneously nodding their heads. And then Bailey disappeared out the door, leaving Addison to settle back in her chair, her eyes glued to the monitors.

-----

_And yes, lots of Meredith and Addison together. Because that's about the most awkward combination of people I could put in a room alone together. And they have an okay time of it…sort of. Addison is there to be the doctor, and so, even though she occasionally has moments where she just really wants to be a bitch, she does her best to hold off and just take care of Meredith. So yes, don't worry…Satan didn't have a master plan to kill both the baby and Meredith. And Meredith, well…she's a lot of things in this chapter, and none of them are her normal self. She's in pain pretty much continually, and she's aware of just how awkward it is to have Addison as her doctor. It would always be awkward to have Addison as her doctor, but to have her as her doctor just after the end of the conspiracy? That reaches seriously new levels of awkward. So, along with Mer's fear and pain, she also has a lot of guilt mixed into things. So much so that, even after she just starts asking for Derek because she's terrified and in agony, she tries to take it back because Addison's right there, and how does she ask Addison for Derek?_

_And, on top of her Addison issues, Mer realizes that everybody is going to be talking about her again. Is already talking about her again. This whole secret she built up has completely come crashing to an end, and when she catches a glimpse of the people already gossiping about her, it hits her and is very overwhelming, and you know…makes her freak out more. Which is not such a good thing. And Bailey was there, to yell and just be Bailey-ish about everything. But she doesn't yell at Mer, because obviously…not a good moment to yell at the poor girl. And she's worried about her intern, so she comes and helps out Addison, and is also a bit worried for Addie too, since she got hit with the fact that her husband is having a baby with someone else, and then in the next breath was told she had to go save said baby and other woman. And yeah, that's a lot for someone to handle. But Addison does it, and, for a moment, she even comes to think of Mer as more than just the stupid slutty intern who's obsessed with her husband. Because, she finds out Mer sent Derek away when she could've had him. And, honestly, even if it made a giant mess, it was pretty much the opposite of what she thought Mer would do. That's about it for now. Thanks so much for reading! _


	18. This Grace

_So…this update took a little longer than I wanted it to. Blame that on the evil, evil college I had to go back to yesterday. Winter break is over. And that? Makes me sad. However, I will still try to update regularly, but if it's a day or two longer than usual…please do forgive me. Apparently, just writing fic does not make me a responsible adult. I must instead do calculus homework and other such delightful things. Clearly, the world has its priorities wrong. But yes, back to the actual story. First of all, thanks so much for reading and reviewing. As usual, I'm nine kinds of thrilled to hear what you guys have to say. Glad to hear people enjoyed the Mer/Addie. There's no Addison in this chapter, but there will be some coming up soon, because…well, she needs some resolution of her own after what she had to go through. However, this chapter? Straight to Derek. Which I think is a good thing, as people were wondering where the silly boy had wandered off to._

_Anyway, I'd say that we're about two thirds of the way through the story. Roughly. I'm estimating here. And it should be noted, that I am quite crap at math. Fractions especially. So much so that I have a special cheating calculator with fraction solving abilities. But yes, originally I'd thought this story would be around twenty chapters. However, I expanded several scenes into their own chapters as I went along…hmm which ones were they? We do wonder, don't we? (We probably don't, but you know…Shhh. Let me dream here.) Anyway, consequently we are in a higher chapter number than I thought we'd be for where we are in the story, and we still have a ways to go. However, the remainder of the tunnel is fairly light. It's lacking the cobwebs and the rain and the giant rats that chew on your toes. Basically, it's the largely lighter part of the story, with some (shocked gasp!) fluffier stuff in it. Soo…if people don't want the fluff and stuff, do point that out. I can easily whittle it down to bring us to the inevitable conclusion that much faster. Umm…so if anyone has a preference, do point that out to me. Pretty please and all that. _

-----  
_I should not have hid where my heart can't follow  
Cause this grace gets too far, and too hard to swallow_  
-----

Derek barely knew where he was walking. He was vaguely conscious of the fact that he still had his scrub cap on, and that his hands were still damp from scrubbing out of surgery. But they were small distant thoughts, things he was barely aware of. He could hardly recall the surgery he'd performing. He was positive he hadn't even bothered to thank the other surgeon for coming in and taking over. All he knew was that he was staring at Meredith's room--the last place he'd seen her--and she wasn't there. The room was empty. A freshly made bed in the middle, its folds crisp and untouched, didn't hold the woman he had expected to find there. Whirling around, he felt himself fill with a blind panic as he tried to figure out why the room was empty. Derek turned again, and started to charge back down the hall. He wasn't sure what he was doing or where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get to her, and that she _had _to be okay. He accosted the first familiar figure he laid eyes on.

"Where is she?" he demanded desperately, reaching out and stopping Bailey as she walked by. "Where's Meredith? Where'd she go?"

Bailey frowned at the grip he had on her arm, but her expression softened when she looked up and caught sight of the fear held clearly in every line of his face. "They moved her to another room, where it's quieter," she said, her voice uncharacteristically gentle and reassuring.

Derek nodded his head, the blue of his eyes still drenched with worry. "Which room?" he asked immediately. "I have to go see her."

"Uh uh," replied Bailey just as quickly, shaking her head. "Not right now."

"Yes, now," insisted Derek, his voice filling easily with frustration. He had never spent a more miserable four hours in surgery in his life. Every move of his hand had been torture. Every small sound seemed to have her name buried in it; a strange secret that hissed inside his mind. Every agonizing second inside the OR had been filled with thoughts of Meredith. It wasn't simply that he wanted to see Meredith. It was this all consuming need to see her; the sort of thing that seemed to rate above even breathing. "Where is she?" he repeated loudly.

Bailey folded her arms over her chest, her frown returning as she looked at him. "I can't tell you that. If I do, you're going to be a fool and go barreling straight into that room."

"What?" spluttered Derek, quickly losing what little hold he had on his patience; shaking his head furiously, his voice full of annoyance and utter disbelief. "I need to see her now."

"No. You don't need to see her now," continued Bailey, somehow managing to usher him into a conference room and close the door. "You can't see her right now. _Nobody _can. And you especially can't see her like that." She gestured towards him, referencing his continual pacing and the wild light that seemed to radiate from him.

However, her words stilled him. As she spoke, Derek froze, then slowly rotated back to face her, his eyes growing wide and terrified. "Why?" he asked, and his voice was just a ghost of a whisper. The sudden privacy of the conference room felt strange and unsettling to him; making him fear the worst. He had promised himself all through surgery that Meredith would be okay. But now, he felt as if his legs were shaking, close to trembling violently; he simply sank down into a chair, lacking faith in his own ability to stand. Leaning forward, Derek buried his head in his hands, his usually strong voice turning into a broken plea. "Is she okay?" He swallowed hard, looking back up at Bailey. "She has to be okay. Please…"

"She's okay," agreed Bailey gently. And as she answered him, Derek found he couldn't even speak to reply. He was caught up in a feeling too all encompassing to leave room for simple speech; the heavy leaden feeling that had weighed him down for the past several hours was rapidly rushing away. He felt almost like a shell of himself, but it was a good emptiness; finally lacking in fear and full of something light and dizzying…something like hope.

"She's okay," he repeated at last, and the words had a beautiful sound to them; a perfect melody that brought a smile to his lips. Meredith was okay. His Meredith was fine. His heart stopped splintering into a million pieces, and the room stopped reeling quite so violently. But after a moment, the sweet feeling of relief drained away, and he looked back up at Bailey. "The baby?" he asked tentatively, his eyes once again widening in apprehension as she sat down beside him. He felt cold, his voice nearly breaking in two as he spoke. "Miranda…is the baby alive?"

"Yes," said Bailey, grabbing his shaking hand and stilling it between her own. "It's alive. Meredith's alive. Derek, they're both fine."

"Okay," he whispered, taking a deep shuddering breath as his head fell forward to rest in his other hand. He didn't say anything for a minute, but simply sat there breathing in long shaky gasps. It was the first time he had truly breathed since he had seen Meredith slide to the floor, and he felt as if a great wave of tension were shivering away and leaving his body. When he finally looked back up, Bailey was watching him intently. "They're fine?" he repeated, simply wanting to hear confirmation again.

And Bailey nodded her head. "They're fine. But Meredith's asleep, and she needs to stay that way. She's very weak, and--for now--is not to be disturbed by anyone who isn't actually on her case." Her voice was firm, leaving no room for dispute, and Derek finally relented with a rough nod, finding himself able to agree now that his whole body wasn't a single knot of fear and worry.

"Okay," he said slowly, sinking back into the leathery support provided by the chair beneath him. "Just…what happened?"

"She was having contractions," said Bailey quietly, her expression growing solemn. "They should've been nothing worth worrying about, but the poor child was stressed, dehydrated and exhausted. That just exacerbated them, and started to push her into preterm labor." Derek nodded his head, his eyes dark and pained as her words washed over him. "But Addison was able to stop the contractions, and she's currently stable."

"Currently?" he echoed, a frown drawing quickly across his face.

Bailey just sighed and nodded her head again, thinking back to the sight of Meredith writhing in pain. "It took a full 35mg of Terbutaline to finally get them to stop," she said wearily. "Addison can't up her dosage any more than that without risking severe tachycardia. So she's sleeping, and she needs to stay calm and give her body a chance to fix this itself."

Derek swallowed hard, his voice still far from its regular confidant tone. "If she rests, she'll be alright? They'll both be alright?"

"They should be."

"Okay," he said quietly, repeating the word over and over to himself. "Okay…" He took another deep breath, burying his face in his hands, and groaning in disbelief; simply overwhelmed by all that had happened. Derek stayed like that for a long time, holding himself in one piece by pure force of will, until his breathing finally became normal again, and he noticed the reassuring press of Bailey's hand against his arm. Meredith and their child would be okay. They had to be. He'd make sure they were okay. "Okay," he repeated one last time, feeling as if the word were starting to lose its meaning. Running his hands roughly over his face and back through his hair to pull off his scrub cap, he looked up again, a glimmer of his normal self returning to his features.

"You alright?" asked Bailey inquisitively, leaning forward to peer up at him.

Derek smiled and nodded his head. "Yeah."

"Good," she continued, settling back in her chair and folding her arms over her chest. Her voice swung instantly from understanding to annoyed, and she frowned at him, adding, "Now, maybe you can tell me what possessed you to be so damn stupid."

Derek just blinked at her. "What?"

"Oh, don't 'What?' me," continued Bailey, shaking her head. "I'm not even talking about the whole mess you've created with the very fine woman who happens to be your wife." Her frown deepened and her voice grew incredulous. "I just want to know how you possibly thought you could sit back and let Grey work a thirty-six hour shift."

"I didn't…" began Derek, but she promptly cut him off.

"No. That girl is pregnant. There is no way she should have been working thirty-six hours straight," she said, her voice tinged with frustration. "She shouldn't even be on a twenty-four hour shift. But thirty-six? That is just _insane_," she continued, speaking in a disbelieving hiss.

Derek sighed heavily, shaking his head. "She said she was okay," he said quietly. "She always said she felt fine…" He swallowed hard, his eyes growing guilty and his voice a bit desperate, as he added, "And everything was so complicated. We weren't talking, we… She always said she was fine." He trailed off, shrugging helplessly. "Miranda, it's complicated," he repeated at last.

"Then uncomplicate it for her," she answered flatly. Derek started to protest, but she raised a hand, shaking her head. "No, no," she continued, her voice sharpening. "Look, who you choose to live with is your business. But Grey is carrying your child. Have you been there for her once? Have you done a damn thing beyond asking her if she's fine?" She looked expectantly at Derek, but he just sat there in silence, eyes closed. She let out a disbelieving snort, and turned away from him. "When that girl collapsed, she hadn't slept in over thirty hours. She is seventeen weeks pregnant, and hadn't let herself sleep in over thirty hours. That is not fine. _She_ is not fine. Not about any of this. She is young and alone and terrified."

"But Meredith wanted it to be a secret," said Derek blankly, staring down at the table with hollow eyes. "She didn't want anyone to…"

"Yes, I noticed that," interrupted Bailey, shaking her head sharply. "She went hysterical when she realized everybody knew. The whole damn hospital talks about that girl because of her relationship with you, and it is _hard_ on her. You are older than her, more experienced…you should know better. And she _deserves_ better from you. Not only are you the father of her child, you are her boss. Maybe her friends couldn't have stopped her from putting herself through this, but you could have." She looked back up at him, her expression utterly disbelieving. "And you didn't," she added quietly.

Derek nodded slowly, unable to think of a reply. When laid out flat like that, the truth was simple. He had failed Meredith. He swallowed hard, feeling an oppressive wave of guilt and sorrow suddenly well up within him, leaving him completely speechless.

Bailey was staring uncomprehendingly across the conference room, her face expressionless save for an elusive tint of horror in the dark depths of her eyes. "She almost lost her baby," she continued, her voice vague and distant; almost as if she were speaking to herself, trying to process everything she had just witnessed. But her words drew a strangled moan from Derek's lips, and his head dropped forward again, coming to rest in the palms of his hands. The harshness she had been regarding him with faded somewhat at the sound, and she turned back to him, shaking her head. "I'm sorry," she said, an uncharacteristic note of apology filling her voice. "It's your child as well."

"No," interrupted Derek, rising suddenly from his seat. He shook his head, and began to pace the room once more. "Don't apologize. I deserve to feel bad about this." His feet tread long heavy steps across the carpeted floor, covering the small space quickly and repeatedly. With every step, his mind was racing, trying to combat the overwhelming sense of guilt he was feeling within himself, but finding it impossible. Finally, he stopped walking, and turned to face Bailey again. "I have to fix this," he said simply.

"I'm sure the women in your life would appreciate that," she replied with the faintest trace of a smirk highlighting her features.

Her words brought the memory of Addison rushing back as well, and Derek groaned as he remembered what he had put his wife through. "I just was…" he began, about to try and explain further, but he paused and shook his head. As he did, his mind zeroed in on his future. "Meredith first," he said simply. There wasn't anything else to say. "Meredith has to come first."

He couldn't tell if Bailey approved or disapproved of his sudden statement; her only response was an impassive nod of her head. Slowly, she pushed back her chair and got to her feet, but as she did, she cleared her throat. "3312," she said quietly.

"3312?" echoed Derek a moment before he realized what Bailey was referencing. "Her room number?" he continued, earning himself another nod from her. His face split into a grateful smile. "Oh you're a wonderful woman Bailey," he said, starting toward the door. "Thank you."

"Hold it," she snapped, promptly side-stepping him. He turned to grin at her, but faltered when he caught sight of her expression. "When you go in there, you will not be an idiot," she said forcefully. "You will not upset her. You will not toy with my intern in any way. She physically _cannot_ handle it right now. Understood?" Derek froze at the almost threatening burst of force in her voice, and simply nodded his head.

"Yes…" he said quietly.

"Good." She smiled to herself, turning and opening the door.

Suddenly, Derek found himself feeling apprehensive, and he hesitated, looking back down at Bailey. "She will want to see me…right?" he asked, his voice full of an utterly atypical insecurity.

Bailey just scoffed at that, walking out into the hall. "And now you're trying to piss me off by deliberately being an idiot." She shook her head sharply, shooting him a final smile. "Grey was screaming your name."

-----

Derek wasn't sure just how long he waited outside of Meredith's room. Time seemed to have lost all meaning, day and night didn't matter. All he knew was that soft light that filled the quiet hallway he stood in; his footsteps echoing hollowly as he paced back and forth. Bailey was right. They had moved her somewhere much quieter--onto a private wing to provide her some sort of seclusion from the hospital gossip while she recovered. Still, the hallway seemed to brim with secretive whispering voices, and there wasn't a person that passed by who didn't glance at either Derek or the carefully closed door or both. But he barely even noticed. His every thought was trained on Meredith, until finally…finally, the door opened. He looked up expectantly as the nurse came shuffling out.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she asked in a quiet voice, beckoning him forward with her hand.

"Yes," he said immediately, crossing over to her in a single long stride. "What is it?"

"Dr. Grey's still asleep, but she's starting to stir a little. She'll probably be waking up before too long, and it would be good for her to see a familiar face when she does. So, if you want to go in…?" She held the door open slightly, tilting her head toward the darkened room beyond.

Derek just nodded, not wasting time on a further reply. He moved past her through the doorway, and the nurse closed the door behind him, leaving him alone with Meredith. For a moment, he didn't move; simply stood there as his eyes adjusted to the dimly lit space. And as they did, his breath caught, and he felt his heart drop. She looked so small. He walked with painfully slow steps towards the bed; afraid to disturb her in the slightest. The bed dwarfed her, turning her into this fragile little wisp of a person; both as beautiful and breakable as glass. Derek's breathing was low and ragged as he stood there, staring at her through pained eyes. Even with the heavy veil of sleep covering her, he could see how exhausted she was--her face pallid and worn. His eyes traveled slowly over her--taking in the fetal heart monitor still strapped resolutely around her stomach, and the IV needle feeding into her slender arm. Her arm had an angry bruise on it right beneath the IV, and he couldn't help but wince at the visual representation of her pain, despite the fact he knew it was probably the least of her worries. She seemed almost lost surrounded by all the wires and monitors that kept track of her baby's life and her own heartbeat, and Derek choked back a cry as he sank down to sit in the chair beside her bed. Meredith's hands were folded tenderly over the round curve of her stomach, and he smiled slightly at that, reaching out and brushing his hand against hers.

She didn't stir, and so he slowly let his hand drift from where it had hovered atop hers down to rest against her stomach. He drew in a deep shaky breath, his eyes turning dark and reverent. It was a strange wonderful feeling; knowing the baby lay just beneath his hand, inside of her. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against her stomach and their child. And suddenly, Derek felt as if he were caught up in a spiraling twist of emotions; pure relief and awe, guilt and regret, pain and love. He couldn't remember the last time he had really cried, but now there were tears spilling freely down his cheeks and onto the blanket that covered Meredith. He shook his head, trying to stop them, but finding it impossible. "Be okay," he murmured at last, speaking in a low voice to the baby. "Please be okay… Just rest, and don't hurt your mother." He sighed shakily, his voice wavering as he rested his head gently against the side of Meredith's stomach. "You have a wonderful beautiful mother, and…you're going to grow up to be as wonderful and beautiful as her." His words grew almost inaudible, turning into a sad murmured song to the child; full of love and apologies, and promises to them both that he swore he wouldn't break. And eventually, the words were lost completely, and Derek could only weep. His tears spilled silently down his face as his hand rested protectively over their child. He lost track of how long he lay there; feeling as if he were simultaneously drowning in grief over what he had almost lost and yet filled with something more precious than air because he hadn't. But eventually, Derek felt Meredith stir beneath him, the slender fingers of her small hand running gently through his hair.

He turned to find her blinking up at him, her expression soft and confused. "You're awake," he murmured, reaching out and tracing his hand down the curve of her face. Meredith lifted her hand towards his in response, slowly threading her fingers with his.

"Derek…" she mumbled groggily, sounding heavy with sleep and barely above a whisper.

"Yeah," he answered as his face broke out in a smile. "Shhh, you're fine. You just rest Mer."

"Okay," she agreed, still somewhat dazed from the sedative. She took a slow heavy breath, her hand drifting from his to press against his cheek. Her eyebrows twitched together curiously as she did, and she pulled her hand away, a frown drifting across her face. "You're crying," she observed quietly. "Why?" Blinking rapidly, she tried to clear her mind of the thick fog that seemed to have settled over all of her memories. "Why are you crying?"

"It's nothing," he replied, pulling the back of his hand roughly across his eyes.

"No," she said slowly, her expression growing more and more troubled as she looked about the room, trying to figure out what had happened. "Derek, I…" But her voice trailed off as bits of what she had been through came flashing vividly back to her. "The baby?" she gasped suddenly, her eyes widening as she struggled to sit up. All she could think of was that Derek was _crying_, and something had been wrong with their child; and that alone was more than enough to terrify her.

"Mer," he began, but she shook her head sharply.

"No. Why are you crying?" she demanded. "Did I lose…did the…is the baby…?" She couldn't bring herself to say what she was afraid of, and was halfway to sitting up, when Derek slid over to sit beside her on the bed, enveloping her in his arms.

"Meredith, Mer, Meri…" he tried, struggling to get her to listen to him through her sudden panic. "Mer…easy, it's okay. The baby's okay." He ran his fingers through her hair as she crumpled against him, clinging desperately to the fabric of his scrubs. "Everything's alright." But Meredith just whimpered in response, shaking her head violently. "Look," he continued, his voice low and calming. Taking her hand in his, he pulled it gently from where it clutched at his scrubs, bringing it down to lay against her stomach. "The baby's there," he murmured, his voice a quiet whisper in her ear. "You're both fine. See Mer? I promise, you're both okay." She nodded, but kept her head buried against his chest, and so he pressed his hand firmly over hers, holding it against their child. "That's good…just breathe. Everything's alright."

Meredith nodded again, slowly pulling away to look up at him. "I didn't lose the baby," she stammered at last, her voice a broken gasp of a sound.

"_No,_" agreed Derek immediately--his words full of a gentle force--shaking his head and smiling softly at her. "You didn't." And at that, she fell back against his chest, crying from pure and overwhelming relief. "You didn't," he repeated, and he lowered her backward so that she was laying down again. Meredith clutched at him, scooting over and pulling him down to rest beside her.

"I was so…" she stammered, her voice tiny and full of tears. "So afraid." She shook her head, chewing on her lip as her face grew rapidly tear streaked.

"I know," he murmured, pulling her closer and pressing his lips to the top of her head. "I know. So was I Mer."

"I thought the baby… It hurt so much," she sobbed, her voice turning into a low moan. She let his arms encompass her completely, burying her face against his neck, holding on to his loose dark curls. His voice was a consistent comforting murmur as his hands ran up and down the length of her back, and finally she stopped stammering as his words soothed the trauma of the morning into something she could swallow and breathe after.

"I know," he whispered again as they lay there, foreheads touching; the remnants of their tears still streaking their faces and lingering in the corners of their eyes. Slowly, he reached out and lifted a strand of her hair, twining the long golden length loosely around his finger. She smiled at that, her eyes filling with their usual bright warmth, and he found himself wondering how she could possibly look at him with such love and happiness after he had left her alone for months.

"Derek?" she asked, suddenly wary as she read the change in his expression. "What is…?"

"I'm sorry," he breathed, cutting her off as his eyes darkened to a deep shadowed navy. "I am so sorry Mer."

Her response was a puzzled apprehensive frown. "You're sorry?" she echoed quietly.

"Yes." Derek nodded, his fingers still trailing through her hair. "I left you when I shouldn't have." She started to protest, but he just shook his head, and moved his hand to press a finger gently against her lips. "I did," he repeated, shifting slightly so that he was staring straight into her eyes. "I knew there was nothing left to save in my marriage. That it was dead and all I wanted was to be with you, and still…I went. I left you alone…" His trailed off, shaking his head disbelievingly.

"Derek…" she managed. "It's okay. I…"

"No." He pulled Meredith even closer to him; almost as if he feared she would vanish if he lifted his hands from her for a single second. "It's not okay," he whispered. "I should have never left your side. But I did, and then instead, I what…I yell at you?" Derek's voice grew incredulous and full of anger at himself as he remembered shouting at her the day before; her tiny form trembling in front of him as he yelled. He groaned and closed his eyes, wishing he could take back everything he had done wrong. "What if that's why the baby…? What if that's why?" His voice cracked, and his hand drifted down to press against her stomach.

"Derek," she repeated, shaking her head. "It's not your fault. I was being stupid."

"No," he whispered, opening his eyes again. They stared at each other intently, both faces full of pain. "You're perfect Meredith," he continued softly. "You're beautiful and perfect, and you save me every time. Over and over you save me, and…I've always just let you fall. You deserve better."

"I…" she began apprehensively, unsure of how to respond to his statement. She frowned softly, her expression growing suddenly thoughtful. Reaching out, she pressed her small hand over his trembling larger one, and slid it lower, to the far side of her stomach. "Feel that?" The words were low and enticing, and as Derek stared into the pale green depth of her eyes, he felt something shifting and stirring beneath the palm of his hand.

"Yes," he whispered in amazement. "That's…"

"It's moving," she supplied.

"It's moving," he echoed, his voice still muted and wondering. "The baby's moving."

Meredith shook her head, suddenly grinning at him. "_Our baby_," she corrected.

"Our baby," he agreed. Impulsively, Derek raised himself up on an elbow, his hand still lingering over the baby as he bent down towards her, capturing her mouth with his own. It was a soft kiss, as if he were afraid to break her, but Meredith just moaned and arched up towards him as she parted her lips, bringing him deeper into her mouth. Her hands tangled in the curls at the base of his neck, and when they finally pulled away, she kept them there--holding him just above her. They stared at each other in silence, and Derek was pretty damn sure that, despite the hospital gown and the monitors and the IV, she had never looked more beautiful. "I'm in love with you, Meredith Grey," he said softly, pressing another quicker kiss to her lips before she had time to answer. "And you are not doing any of the rest of this alone, okay?" he continued, eyes darkening as his voice grew solemn.

Meredith just nodded her head. "I would like that," she murmured quietly. "To not be alone…" Her mouth was parted slightly, still warm from his lips, and she stared wide-eyed up at him.

"You won't be alone," he whispered, his fingers dancing wonderingly along the edge of her cheek. "I promise you, I will always be there."

"Okay," agreed Meredith in a small quiet voice, nodding her head. She sniffled and wrinkled her nose before smiling at him. "You're going to make me cry again," she continued warningly. "I cry all the time now. Seriously. It's pathetic."

"No. No more crying," said Derek immediately, his voice filling with concern. "Only happy thoughts. You have to stay calm for the baby. It needs you to rest."

"Rest…" she echoed, rolling the word slowly in her mouth. If she thought about it, her whole body was sore, and she still felt weak and worn out, as if she were hovering continually just beyond the verge of sleep. "Yeah," she mumbled in a soft voice, nodding her head. "I _am_ tired."

Derek smiled, his hand stroking her hair. "I know. Sleep then, Mer," he urged gently. He settled back into the chair beside her bed--giving her more room to spread out--but not wanting to move too far from her at all. She nodded again, shifting slightly before laying still. They drifted into silence, Derek closing his eyes to rest as well. Meredith longed to sink back into sleep and end the exhaustion that was plaguing her, but she couldn't seem to fall asleep. Without the distraction of talking to Derek, she was finally noticing just how sore her throat was. The whole back of her mouth felt lined with sandpaper, filling her with a sick thirsty feeling. She glanced over at Derek, but he had his eyes closed. She smiled softly at his peaceful expression, and simply sat up instead of bothering him, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed to find the floor. The sound of her shifting caused Derek to look up as she rose shakily to her feet. "Meredith?" he asked worriedly, standing up himself just in time to catch her as she stumbled forward, reaching desperately for the support of his arm. She moaned in pain, having been utterly unprepared for the dizziness that was washing over her, or the sudden pounding sensation that had started up at the base of her skull--dull and repeating like the strikes of a mallet.

"Oww…" she whimpered, holding onto him as he lowered her deftly back into bed before she could move far enough to pull out her IV. "Derek," she said weakly.

"Shhh," he soothed, pressing his lips to her forehead. "Easy…just breathe Mer." She nodded, still whimpering slightly, but managing a small smile. "What part of that was resting?" he asked after a moment, hovering worriedly over her.

"Thirsty," she said in a small voice.

"You were thirsty?"

Meredith nodded again. She moved to turn to him, but stopped short, wincing once again from the sudden headache she'd incurred. "My throat hurts," she mumbled grumpily, confused and upset over the unexpected pain.

"So you ask me to get you something," said Derek gently, trailing his hand over her forehead. "You don't get to get up yet Mer."

"But you were sleeping," she protested, embarrassed from having nearly fallen, and sounding suddenly stubborn as a result.

"I wasn't," he countered. "And if I were, you know you'd only have to say my name to get me to wake up."

Meredith started to nod, but trailed off, frowning instead. "I _can't_ get up?" she asked apprehensively.

Derek's voice was soft and gentle. "No," he agreed. "You can't." Meredith let out a frustrated little whine that quickly turned frightened as she glanced around, and seemed to finally comprehend how many monitors she was hooked up to. "Hey, it's okay," continued Derek, sensing her distress. "It's just…Terbutaline is strong, and they had to give you a lot of it."

"_A lot_, a lot?" she asked, still frowning at him. "Derek…how much?"

"35mg," he supplied, knowing that she would freak out if he refused to tell her, but his answer drew a small overwhelmed whimper from her lips anyway.

"Derek, that's…a lot."

"I know," he agreed, keeping his voice quiet and calming. "It's okay though. It just means that it's safer for you and the baby if you're off your feet for a little while, but don't even worry about that Mer. Because _I'm _going to take care of you." He raised his eyebrows, grinning at her in a manner that was both proud of himself and mischievous, prompting Meredith to giggle.

"You are?" she asked almost shyly.

"I am," he agreed easily. "In case you didn't know, I'm actually a very talented and successful doctor. You're lucky to have me taking care of you." He smirked at her, his eyes dancing happily even as she rolled her own at him.

"Seriously?" she asked lightly. "I never would've guessed." She leaned back against her pillows, returning the smirk he'd sent her. "All this time, I thought you were just a hair model."

He stopped smirking, his jaw dropping open instead. "A model?" he stammered disbelievingly, looking slightly put out at the suggestion. "I'm actually a very manly doctor."

"Oh, so models aren't manly?" countered Meredith, nearly laughing at his expression.

Derek's frown deepened, and he shook his head. "No," he said tersely, before looking back down at her, and grinning again. "But the point is, I'm a doctor. A good doctor." He leaned forward effortlessly, snatching her chart from the foot of the bed. He scanned it quickly--squinting to read in the dim light--before nodding his head. "Which means water," he continued, depositing it back where he had found it. "You can have water." He walked back over to the head of the bed, bending down so that his lips brushed against her cheek. "And anything else you want. Want anything else Mer?"

She sighed softly, twisting around so that his lips met her own instead of simply resting against her cheek. "No," she murmured into his mouth, smiling as he complied with her unspoken wish and kissed her again, his hand gently cradling her face. "Just water." He nodded, promising to return soon, before turning and making his way out through the door. Meredith sighed once more, her hands dropping down to rest against her stomach. She rubbed them softly over the baby, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "See…" she whispered, speaking to her child. "I told you that you'd love your daddy. That's your daddy."

Her eyes were closed when Derek returned, and he walked softly, afraid to disturb her if she'd fallen asleep. "Meredith…" he whispered, and as he spoke, they fluttered back open, bright orbs of clear green turning to stare at him. "I brought you water," he continued, setting the cup down beside her bed.

"Mmmm," she murmured in response, moving warily this time.

"Here," he said before she had gotten far, bending forward and shifting her pillows himself. "Do you want to sit all the way up?"

She just shook her head, still needing to lean heavily into him. "No. You hold me," she pleaded quietly. Derek smiled in response, scooting her forward ever so slightly before slipping in behind her, cradling her in his arms. As he did, Meredith sighed happily, twisting so that her head rested against his shoulder. Wordlessly, she held out her hand for the water, and he passed it to her. "Thank you," she mumbled, taking a much needed sip.

"Of course." 

Meredith's eyes soon started to droop heavily again, and she handed the cup back to Derek, settling deeper into his arms. Pulling her closer to him, he lay his hands protectively against her stomach. Her eyes fluttered back open at that, and she twisted around to smile up at him. She didn't know quite what to say, so instead she just stared wide-eyed at him as she placed her hands over his, their fingers instantly moving to lace together. And they stayed like that for a long time; hands locked over the baby and their faces tilted just an inch apart, neither of them saying a word.

-----

_So yes…Mer/Der. Mer made it. McFetus made it. Derek did the worried freak out thing, and had Bailey calm him down. And then, you know, smack him about a bit. Because Bailey can go from being comforting in one sentence to telling you you're a fool in the next. Because she's Bailey. And because he needed to hear it. Derek was utterly worried about Mer and the baby, but he still hadn't stepped back and realized just what a freaking huge portion of the blame for this whole thing fell squarely on his shoulders. Someone needed to point that out, and it couldn't be Mer. Even when he's apologizing to her, she tries to take some of the blame. But he had done plenty wrong, and Bailey herself was disturbed by what she'd just seen her intern go through. She was there to see Mer screaming hysterically in pain when Derek wasn't. And so she wants him to get just how badly he let her down…just how much he wasn't there for her when she needed someone to be there for her. And it finally sunk in past all the hair gel and mousse and what not to his loverly brain. So, when Derek does get to Meredith, and sees her laying there helplessly, it all adds up and he can't help but cry. Because he could have lost her and the baby, and he loves them, and he knows it would've been his fault, and there's just so many things that he needs to let out, so he ends up just weeping while she sleeps._

_And then Mer…she wakes up. And she doesn't remember how she got where she is or what really happened at first because she was sedated and now she's just waking up from being out for a long time, and she's disoriented. However, as things come rushing back to her, she has no memory of the contractions stopping and everything coming out okay. The last thing she was conscious for would be her hysterical and in pain, with Bailey and Addison both beyond worried around her. And now Derek's crying, and in the back of her mind she's afraid she lost the baby. So she starts to freak out, and once Derek calms her down enough to point out that no, the baby's okay…she just starts crying because it was overwhelming and scary for her, and at the same time she is just so relieved that the baby's okay. Only this time, she's not crying by herself. Derek's there, and he understands exactly why she's crying because that's his kid as well, and they were both terrified._

_And then Mer/Der. They have part of the talk that needed to be had. They haven't covered everything because well…there's a lot that went on over the past few months. And in the moment, the most important thing is finding their way back to each other. And they do. So yes, they are fixing them. They both want very much to fix them. And Derek is still as amazed as he's always been over the baby, and is now beyond protective of Mer and their child because he knows just how fragile she is right now. At the moment, she can barely stand without out falling. But finally…Derek catches her. (Woo look at that...literally and figuratively.) And you know, there may be a moment or two of fluff in there as well. Scandalous._

_So yep, that's about it. Thanks so much for reading, hopefully you enjoyed it!_


	19. They Weren't There

_So…hello again. This chapter was hard to write, to put it mildly. Heh… It's got a lot of people in it, which I always find tricky, and it's less angsty than I'm used to. For some reason, angst is just easier on my brain. I don't know why… Anyway yeah, I feel like I've been writing this chapter forever. And ever, and ever, and ever. And I have been, so…sorry it took awhile. I've been very frustrated with the chapter. Grrrr…and all that._

_But yes, in other news, thank you so much to those of you who've taken the time to review. I know I always say it makes me happy, but really…it does. So much. So thank you for that. And…what else. Ooh! This chapter takes place four days after the last one. And hmmm…that's about it. Glad people enjoyed the Mer/Der at the end of the previous chapter. They needed something nice and sweet after all the pain they'd been through. And this chapter has more of them…woohoo? I guess. I'm feeling the urge to just ramble and ramble, so I'm going to preemptive strike my rambling, and just go straight to the story. Enjoy! _

-----  
_You sighed, and I was lost in you  
Weeks could've past for all I knew_  
-----

"Shhh quiet," hissed George, tiptoeing across the room as he glared at Cristina. "You're going to wake her up."

"I'm not," she replied flatly, her chair scraping loudly against the floor. The grating sound stopped abruptly as the chair reached the bed, and she leaned forward in her seat, reaching out to poke Meredith in the arm. She didn't stir, and Cristina turned and shot George a smug glare. "See? She's out cold."

"I'm just saying," he continued. "We're already breaking rules one and three. We don't need to break two as well."

"Oh will you guys cut it out," snapped Izzie, her whispered voice full of annoyance. "George, go reposition the flowers over there for me. They should be in a straight line, not like that."

George frowned at her, but crossed over to the windowsill. "You two could help too you know," he muttered, tilting his head towards Cristina and Alex as he poked absently at the several vases of flowers Izzie had brought in.

"Dude, not a chance," said Alex, glancing up from the stack of post-op notes he'd brought with him. "But go ahead. Do your thing. Keep playing happy housewives with Iz."

"Guys," she whined, shaking her head as she tied a balloon to the foot of the bed. "Seriously, George is right. You could help me."

Cristina let out a disbelieving laugh, her dark eyes incredulous as she looked back over her shoulder to study the room. "Mer isn't you," she scoffed, smirking as she yanked a balloon down to where she sat. "She's not exactly a balloons and flowers sort of girl. I have no part in this." Her face contorted into a disgusted frown as she studied the butterfly shaped balloon she was holding, before quickly letting go, and allowing it to drift back towards the ceiling.

"Oh come on," said Izzie, her hands on her hips. "She's pregnant, so she'll probably be all gushy and in love with the flowers. Besides," she added, her voice turning slightly defensive. "My flowers are nice. They're almost as good as my muffins. You guys are just jealous you didn't get any."

"Right," continued Cristina, shaking her head. "If I woke up to find you'd turned my room into freaking Disney Land, I would not be happy." She leaned back in her chair once more, adding, "_You_ would be dead though."

Alex groaned, resting his chin against his hand. "Just wake her up already, before one of us gets paged."

"We can't," protested George, still fussing hopelessly at the windowsill. "Rule number two, remember?"

"Oh get over yourself Bambi," snapped Cristina, reaching a hand out to poke Meredith again. "She's done nothing but sleep for the past four days. Waking up isn't going to kill her."

Finally giving up on the flowers, he crossed back over to where the others were sitting. "I'm just saying," he began, only to have three pairs of eyes rolled simultaneously in his direction. "Fine, go ahead," he continued, holding up his hands. "Wake her up." Meredith stirred slightly as he spoke, and everyone instantly froze, turning to watch her intently.

"Okay quick," hissed Izzie. "Help me finish distributing the balloons first."

Cristina snorted in disbelief. "Seriously?" she asked, not moving an inch.

"Fine. Whatever," huffed Izzie, flopping down next to the others. She glared around the now brightly colored hospital room. "They're distributed." She was practically scowling at her friends, but as Alex leaned forward and nudged Meredith's foot, her expression morphed into an eager smile. "She's going to be so excited," she continued. "We have to tell her right away."

George turned around and frowned at her. "We already agreed no telling her," he said sternly, but Izzie just made a face.

"She'll want to know," she replied.

"But she's supposed to get to find out first," he countered. "And get to come and tell us, and have us act surprised."

"Bambi's got a point," agreed Alex. "We're not supposed to know." Izzie just shrugged and started to reply, but was cut off by Cristina waving her arm vaguely in their direction as she shushed them. Their voices trailed off as they all turned to focus on Meredith. She was rubbing her eyes, looking slightly dazed and sleepy as she blinked several times, adjusting to the light of the room.

"Huh?" she stammered, suddenly taking in the sight of her friends gathered around her bed.

"You're awake," announced Izzie delightedly, very nearly cheering as Meredith propped herself up on an elbow to stare at them.

"Umm, yes…" she began. "I am. And you're all…"

"Visiting you," supplied Izzie, still grinning.

"Oh…right." Meredith smiled at that, nodding her head, as she added, "I was wondering when you guys were going to come and see me."

"Yeah sorry, Bailey's on the warpath again," groaned Alex, still scribbling absently at his post-op notes.

"She is?" asked Meredith. "Why? What did you guys do?" She looked around eagerly at her friends, only to find her question met with a string of mumbled half-coherent replies, as four pairs of eyes turned towards the floor. "What?" she pressed curiously, shifting so that she was sitting up in bed. "Seriously, what'd you do?"

"Oh you know," said Cristina at last. "Sat back, and let you get away with your mind numbingly stupid idea to hide McFetus." She smirked and rolled her eyes. "Bailey went all sunshine and butterflies when she found out we knew."

"Sorry," muttered Meredith apologetically, before frowning down at her stomach, her eyes growing worried. "Wait…Bailey's mad? About the baby?" Bailey had been nothing but kind to her about the her pregnancy, however, Meredith was pretty sure that she deserved whatever had been said to her friends…and then some. She spoke apprehensively, asking, "Is she gonna come yell at me too?"

"Nah…relax," said Alex with a shrug. "You're safe."

"I am?"

"Yeah. Almost going into labor is apparently the new get out of jail free card," said Cristina, her voice surprisingly gentle.

"Oh," said Meredith softly, wincing at the memory. Despite the fact that she had done well the past few days, it was still too recent for her to think about calmly. Her hand drifted reflexively down to rest against her belly, and she chewed on her lip, having to actively remind herself that she felt fine and things were okay now. "Right…" she concluded at last, still not moving her hand from where it rested above her child. The room grew suddenly silent; the others studying the faint frown that lingered on her face, and finding themselves not exactly sure of what to say. Finally, George cleared his throat and looked back up.

"And we kind of got banned from your room. Until they were sure you were stable," he admitted sheepishly.

"Banned?" echoed Meredith incredulously, the strange statement serving to jar her from her thoughts. She shook her head, puzzled by just how much seemed to have happened in the four days she had been stuck on bed rest, weak and recovering. "Seriously?"

"Those three went postal when they heard about you," said Alex simply, waving an unimpressed hand in the direction of the other interns.

"Shut up Alex," snapped Izzie. "You freaked out too."

He started to reply, but was interrupted by Meredith. Her frown had vanished, and she was grinning at them, shaking her head in disbelief. "You guys freaked out?" she asked, the idea behind their concern filling her with a warm comforted feeling.

"Bambi's the one who lost it," corrected Cristina. "The rest of us were just worried."

"I did not," spluttered George defensively. "You were the one who yelled at that nurse."

Cristina's reply was simply dismissive. "I always yell at the nurses."

"Aw you guys," continued Meredith happily, still smiling at them. She leaned back against her pillows, feeling suddenly more like her old self than she had in a long time. "You were…" she continued, but her voice trailed off as her gaze finally zeroed in on the sheer abundance of balloons and vases overflowing with flowers littering her room. "You decorated…" she finished at last.

"_Izzie _decorated," said the other three immediately.

Izzie just nodded her head. "I did," she agreed, her voice growing eager and excited. "What do you think?" Meredith's smile had faded into a slightly overwhelmed frown, but she did her best to pull it back up, nodding as she pursed her lips together.

"It's very…nice," she said weakly. Both Cristina and Alex snorted at her reply, but Izzie seemed oblivious. She simply leaned forward and tweaked some of the bows tethering balloons to the bed.

"I know it's kind of a lot," she said, her voice turning apologetic. "It's just you're okay, and the baby's okay. It seemed like a good thing to celebrate."

That time Meredith's smile was genuine. "It is," she agreed warmly.

Izzie nodded, eyes suddenly widening in an expression of excited remembrance. "Ooh," she very nearly squealed. "We know…" Her words were cut short by a swift elbow to the ribs from George.

"So um…" continued Alex, clearing his throat and finally looking up from the stack of charts in his lap. "How're you doing Mer?" he asked loudly, partially succeeding in covering up the hissed argument that was taking place between Izzie and George. Meredith looked skeptically back and forth at her friends before answering.

"Good," she said simply. "Much better than before." Wrinkling her nose unhappily, she added, "I'm starting to go crazy from just laying her though." She trailed off and turned to stare at George and Izzie, watching in confusion as they argued in whispered undertones. "What are you guys talking about?" she asked, and they simultaneously whirled around to face her.

"We're talking about…" began Izzie, only to have George slap his hand over her mouth, effectively silencing her. She twisted around to look at him, glaring as she yanked his hand back down. "She _asked, _George," she said pointedly, before returning her attention to Meredith. "We know what it is," she blurted out, grinning broadly at her.

"What it is?" echoed Meredith, her eyebrows drawing together into a confused frown.

"Yeah," continued Izzie. She nodded vigorously, keeping a firm grip on George's struggling hand. "What you're having. We know the sex of the baby."

"You do?" asked Meredith. "How? I haven't found out yet."

"Yes Izzie," added Cristina, her voice full of mingled sarcasm and amusement. "How _did_ you find out?"

Izzie just shrugged. "Seriously, it's not a big deal," she said. "There's a whole bunch of scans in your file from the ultrasound Addison did. And I asked her if what I thought was right was…and, she said yes," she concluded proudly, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she beamed at Meredith.

"Why didn't Addison tell me about…" began Meredith, but she promptly trailed off, finding the answer to her own question in the memory of just how distraught she had been during the actual ultrasound. "How'd you get to see my file?" she continued, her voice growing incredulous, and her confusion over how Izzie had found out serving to distract her from the actual question of the baby.

"Oh, I'm on your case now."

"My case?" echoed Meredith. "But I'm not surgical." She paused, the pale green of her eyes darkening with sudden concern. "I'm not surgical…right?"

"No, you're not," answered Cristina quickly, reading Meredith's unease faster than the others.

"No," agreed Izzie a moment later. "They just thought you might like having someone you knew checking on you, since you have to stay a few more days. And…Addison said one of us could join, if we wanted. So…" Izzie paused, flicking her hands out to the side as if she were on display. "Here I am. Or, you know, I'll be here later. Again."

"Oh…" echoed Meredith, nodding slowly.

"You do realize you gave up perfectly good OR time to play the buffer between Mer and McWife," stated Cristina dryly.

Izzie turned around indignantly. "I did not," she said. "You're just bitter because you lost twenty bucks."

"Um…twenty?" began Meredith questioningly, finding it somewhat difficult to follow their conversation.

"Yes that…the twenty you dropped the other day," answered George quickly. "Right Cristina? Fell out of your…wallet, right into the…um, the street." Alex snorted loudly as George concluded with what he hoped was a convincing nod. However, it simply served to fit the missing pieces of the puzzle into place in Meredith's mind, and her expression grew rapidly incredulous.

"You bet on my baby?"

"Well, no…not bet," began Izzie.

"No. Sort of a friendly competition in the spirit of…the miracle of life," agreed Cristina.

"You bet on my baby," repeated Meredith, her voice much more confident this time. "Seriously people? On my child?"

Cristina relented with a slight shrug. "Okay fine. But it was a small bet."

"Yes," agreed George earnestly. "Small. Teeny. Miniscule. Not even worth mentioning."

They were all watching Meredith apprehensively--apologies waiting just beyond their lips--as she frowned at them for a moment. However, her expression soon dissolved into a smile; shaking her head, her words coming out mingled with the sound of laughter. "Who won?" she asked. Glancing downward, she smoothed her hands over her protruding stomach, adding, "And what is it?"

"You sure you want to know, Mer?" asked Alex.

"Umm…" She ran her fingers through her loose wavy hair, frowning softly. "I think so… I hadn't actually thought about that yet. Maybe I should ask…" But she trailed off as the door to her room swung open, and five heads swiveled to find Derek walking in. "Him," she concluded, her voice turning into a pleased murmur as he nodded to the others and made his way over to her bed. "Hey…"

"Hey," Derek answered, bending down and kissing her; his lips a gentle pressure against hers as his hand reached up to cup her face. "Good morning to you," he said softly as they pulled away, smiling happily at each other. "And good morning baby," he added, bending down and pressing a kiss to her stomach as well.

Cristina groaned, her head falling forward to rest in her hands. "This is worse than the balloons," she muttered, but Meredith just laughed, her fingers running easily through Derek's hair.

"How do you feel today?" he asked as he straightened back up.

"Better." Meredith smiled proudly, gesturing to the pillows she was propped up against. "I've been sitting up this whole time, and nothing hurts." She swayed slightly from side to side, grinning up at him from over her shoulder, her smile turning into a pleased smirk.

Derek nodded, his expression thoughtful as he reached out, unable to keep from running his hand down the length of her messy hair. The monitors she was hooked up to had greatly decreased in number, and she no longer looked as weak and fragile as she had; some of the color had returned to her complexion, and a warm light was once again brightening the green of her eyes. "Good," he said softly, knowing that one word fell far short of how utterly relieved he was to see her smiling and sitting up, capable of moving about without clinging to him while she whimpered in pain.

"Yeah," murmured Meredith. They started drifting back towards each other, Meredith scooting over and Derek sitting down on the bed beside her. His arm slipped easily around her slender shoulders, pulling her close to him. She was halfway to tilting her lips up to his again when she remembered they weren't alone. Turning away, she smiled apologetically as she took in the awkward silence that had settled over her friends. "Um so," she continued, nudging Derek with her elbow.

Reluctantly, he tore his eyes from her. "Your friends are here," he observed, sounding slightly dismayed by their presence.

"They are," she agreed. "And…they decorated." She waved a hand at the heavily festooned room, and Derek just nodded again.

"They did." Meredith smirked as she tilted her head back once more, her eyes meeting Derek's. She was halfway to laughing, and her smile was mirrored in the depths of his own gaze, brightening the deep blue of his eyes. "Nice of them," he added, the corner of his mouth pulling up into a smirk as well. She just nodded, burying her head against his chest to keep from laughing over the balloons. The past four days had been filled with a lot of that; the wonderful sensation, something light and happy, that comes the moment before bursting into laughter. It was like a bright thread that had been woven through the darker fabric of her own fear and pain, marking a path to some place safer…some place where she wasn't broken in two anymore. And as she nestled in the crook of Derek's arm, his hand resting against her stomach protectively--in a manner that had, after only four days, become nearly second nature--she knew it was entirely due to him. Somehow, Derek made it easier to breathe again, easier to simply have faith in things turning out alright at the end. "So what were you lovely people talking about?" continued Derek, and Meredith grudgingly lifted her face from where it had been tucked against the warmth of his body.

"The sex of the baby," she said with a sudden grin.

"Oh." He frowned softly, eyebrows drawing together. "I didn't know you'd found out yet."

Meredith just wrinkled her nose, turning to stare at her friends. They all looked vaguely apprehensive--averting their eyes and aiming for a casual innocence. "I haven't," she said smugly. "They have."

"They _all _know what we're having?"

"Yep," answered Meredith, smirking as she nodded her head. "Want to guess? It's apparently profitable."

George groaned, his head falling into his hands as he turned to look at Izzie. "Great," he muttered in a half whisper. "If Shepherd flips out and kills us all over this, it's your fault. I want that on my tombstone Izzie. My tombstone, okay ?"

She just waved her hand at him. "They don't look mad," she said airily, tilting her head towards Meredith and Derek.

"They look disgusting," corrected Cristina, narrowing her eyes as she watched the two of them speak to each other in low whispered voices, their faces barely an inch apart. "They need to make up their damn minds and either kiss already or separate."

"It's probably a strategy," said George warily, his voice full of largely false concern. "Their plotting our deaths for profiting off their child."

"Yours maybe," said Alex as he shrugged. "We're not the ones who made forty bucks."

"I just…" continued George, turning slightly more apprehensive. However, Meredith finally moved away from Derek, clearing her throat as she looked back at her friends.

"Seriously people, relax," she said, shaking her head. "George, it's fine. I don't care. Go ahead and amuse yourself with my uterus." Still grinning, she turned back to look at Derek, twirling a strand of her hair tightly around her finger. "So…" she continued to him in a low voice.

"So," he answered, tilting his head to the side, and simply staring at her for a moment. "Do you want to know?" he asked at last. "Or did you want to wait?"

"Umm…" Meredith's expression grew thoughtful, absently drawing shapes on the bare stretch of his arm with the curve of her fingernail. She was chewing on her lip, trying to make up her mind. "I don't know," she mumbled at last. "What do you want?"

Derek just grinned at her. "Whatever you want," he said immediately, prompting Cristina to groan and roll her eyes.

"I'm suddenly wishing I were stuck in the pit," she muttered as Meredith turned to look over her shoulder, making a face at her.

"We don't need them to tell us," said Meredith lightly, as her gaze moved to take in Izzie's satisfied, almost gloating, smile. "We have self-control. Don't even," she added, cutting Cristina off just as she started to open her mouth. "We do. We can wait…" Her voice faltered slightly, and Derek raised an eyebrow.

"We can?" he asked inquisitively. "Until it's born?"

"Umm…" Meredith glanced down at her stomach again, suddenly filled with the desire to know whether her child was a girl or a boy. She hadn't really given the question much thought--it would be what it was. But now, she found her mind swimming with a thousand thoughts; names popping up unexpectedly as she tried to guess whether she would be buying pink clothes or blue clothes, whether she was having a daughter or a son. She frowned, and amended her original idea. "Until the next ultrasound," she said hastily.

"Okay," he agreed, leaning forward and resting his chin on her shoulder. "We'll find out then." And at that, Meredith could only beam. While her first ultrasound had been far from perfect, filled with both pain and fear, her second was filled with the promise of having Derek beside her, his hand laced closely with her own.

"Okay," she murmured back in response, doing her best to ignore the looks her friends were exchanging.

"So," continued Derek after a moment, breaking the comfortable silence they had started to settle into. "How'd you all find out before us anyway?" Izzie stiffened visibly; not exactly eager for one of her bosses to learn how quickly she'd shared what was supposed to be confidential medical information about his child.

"It's no big deal," said Meredith quickly, shooting her a reassuring smile. "Izzie's on my case now." She twisted back around, smirking up at Derek. "You know, because apparently your doctoring wasn't enough."

"My doctoring?" he echoed incredulously, smiling crookedly back at her. His voice was full of mock hurt, but his eyes shone warmly, piercing straight into her own. "Since when do you have complaints about my doctoring?" he asked, lowering his voice slightly so that it turned into a husky whisper, his lips brushing against her ear as he spoke. Meredith shivered reflexively, shaking her head, her body leaning even closer into his.

"No complaints," she said softly, her slender fingers curling possessively around his wrist.

"Twenty bucks says if we all close our eyes, they're just gonna go ahead and start getting naked," muttered Cristina.

Izzie laughed and nodded her head. "Thirty," she replied, as Meredith pulled apart from Derek once more, scowling at them.

"We are not getting naked," she snapped, folding her arms over her chest. "Right Derek?" she asked, turning back to look up at him. He just tilted his head to the side, grinning at her.

"_You_ should get naked," he said evenly, his voice as utterly nonchalant as if he were remarking about the weather.

Meredith rolled her eyes, but the corners of her mouth turned up into an amused smirk. "Try and say something that isn't dirty, for once in your life," she said lightly. "If you even can."

Derek's grin simply deepened, but he obliged with a nod of his head. "So, you did an ultrasound?" he asked, turning to address Izzie.

"Oh…no," she said, frowning uncertainly. "I didn't. Your um, your…" She trailed off, looking questioningly at Meredith.

"She saw the one your _wife_ did," supplied Cristina, placing a peculiarly sharp emphasis on the word.

"Right," said Derek flatly. His voice came out more strained than usual, and Meredith frowned as she felt his body tense slightly. She tilted her head back to look at him, and found herself staring into a pair of eyes that had darkened from their usual blue to a stormy navy; a medley of emotions woven tightly into the irises.

"Derek…?" she began, her voice low and questioning.

He didn't answer, just gave a slight nod of his head, seemingly lost in thought. "Um," said Izzie, interrupting the suddenly tense silence. "I just saw the scans from when she…yeah." She shrugged her shoulders, lapsing back into the silence that seemed to center around Derek and Meredith, and radiate outwards. Meredith was still studying his face intently, a slight confused frown taking residence on her brow, while Derek was staring past her, his thoughts apparently existing far beyond the borders of the small room.

"Derek," she repeated quietly, this time nudging him. "What is it?" Derek shook his head, jerking himself back from wherever he had drifted to.

"Nothing," he said, his voice unusually short. His gaze landed on Meredith's puzzled expression, and he shook his head again, a brief smile flashing across his face this time. "Sorry…I just remembered something."

"Okay," she agreed warily, her own eyes growing shadowed as well. Turning her head slightly, she caught sight of the steely expressions on the faces of her friends. They were all staring fixedly at the newly repaired couple, their eyes tinged with everything from skepticism to outright disapproval. "So…" she continued, growing both tired and uneasy of the thick silence hanging like a fog throughout the room.

"I have to fix…there's something I need to take care of," said Derek abruptly. His voice was oddly determined, and he shifted away from her, moving to stand up again. "Will you be okay if I leave for a bit?" he asked, studying the quietly troubled air that draped around Meredith. His eyes were boring straight into hers, and Meredith found herself filled with the strangest feeling; as if he were simultaneously asking more than his words suggested, and begging her to agree to what was unspoken. But Meredith found it disconcerting, and shook it off as best she could.

"Sure," she murmured, nodding slowly. "Yeah…whatever you need to do. I'll be fine." Derek nodded, the motion of his head as fast as hers had been long and drawn out, and before Meredith could fit in another word, he had reached down and pulled her face to his. Meredith gasped into his mouth as his lips pressed against hers. Teeth were scraping and pulling as tongues met in a kiss that felt strangely urgent; the sheer strength and intimacy of the moment at odds with the large number of people in the room.

"Okay," he agreed when he had pulled away, leaving Meredith breathless, and blinking up at him in confusion. "Take good care of her," he added over his shoulder as he walked out of the room, the door closing loudly behind him, and plunging the five interns into a long and awkward silence. Meredith had slumped back against her pillows, and was still frowning, a finger tracing absently along her slightly swollen lips. The others were alternating between exchanging pointed looks and simply studying her uncertainly.

"Well, I'm just going to say it," said Izzie at last, laughing awkwardly. "That was weird."

"Seriously," agreed George instantly, relieved that someone had finally broken the heavy spell that had hung over the room.

Cristina looked up, nodding as well. "Yeah, what was that, Mer?" she asked.

Meredith simply shrugged. "What was what?"

"That," said Cristina flatly as she waved a hand towards the bed. "You two, with the kissing and the McFreakin' Happy Couple thing, and then the flying out of the room."

"Nothing…and he didn't fly," muttered Meredith, once again crossing her arms over her chest. "He's a doctor. He's a busy man."

"Dude's overcompensating," said Alex with a shrug.

Meredith just frowned in confusion. "What?"

"He was an ass, and you got sick," continued Alex flatly. "So now he's trying to make it up to you." But Meredith shook her head; a sharp, suddenly frustrated gesture.

"We're just being happy," she snapped. Her eyes flashed intensely even as they narrowed, and she straightened up again, glaring at them. "What's so wrong with us being happy?" she demanded loudly.

"Nothing Mer," said George instantly, his voice growing anxious. "Happy is…good."

"No. They're clearly not…" began Cristina, only to be cut off almost immediately by George.

"Rule number four," he muttered under his breath, tilting his head towards Meredith flushed face and the frustrated frown that still lingered quite plainly there.

"Right…um," continued Cristina, her voice filling with fake enthusiasm. "Way to go with the…happy thing. It's normal. Not at all twisted or messed up." Meredith shook her head--noting the obvious contradiction between Cristina's tone and words--and her frown deepened as she took in the same half apprehensive, half encouraging smile mirrored in all their faces.

"Rules," she began skeptically. "You guys have rules?"

Alex shrugged, rolling his eyes. "Bailey has rules," he said bluntly.

"She does?"

"Rules for visiting you," explained Cristina, smirking as she leaned back in her chair.

"What?" continued Meredith, losing her previous train of thought. She shook her head incredulously, racking her brain to come up with possible rules. Finally she simply asked, "What are they?"

"Number one," began Cristina loudly. "Only visit her during actual visiting hours."

"Stupid rule," interjected Izzie, shaking her head. "We're doctors. Since when does our free time magically align with visiting hours?"

Meredith shrugged, but Cristina continued on as if there had been no interruption. "Rule number two, don't wake Meredith up if she's asleep. That went well. Rule number three…" She trailed off, frowning as she tried to remember just what came next.

"Don't be idiots," supplied Alex around a mouthful of the granola bar he'd just unwrapped.

Izzie made a face, stretching her hand out to block his mouth from view, adding, "Gross. And four was to not upset you."

"Okay," said Meredith slowly, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "I have rules…"

"There was one more," said Cristina thoughtfully, suddenly giving a jerk of her head. "Right. No telling you there are rules."

"Of course," agreed Meredith, giggling slightly. She shook her head, smiling at her friends. George looked somewhat sheepish, but the other three simply looked amused. Cristina looked particularly pleased that all five rules had been broken. But as she smiled, Meredith's mind drifted back to the suddenly empty half of the bed next to her. The sheet still felt warm beneath her outstretched hand, and she bit her lip--her smile fading and turning into a vague shadow of a frown. "But Derek…" she continued slowly. "What…you guys think he was being weird?"

"No, he was being very Derek," said Cristina instantly, as Izzie nodded her head in agreement. "And you were being very…" she trailed off, shrugging. "Whatever."

"Wait…I was being what?"

Cristina shrugged again, her expression growing bored. "Very Meredith."

"Well I'm me," replied Meredith indignantly. "Seriously, what are you talking about?"

"He's not even divorced yet, right? And already, you two are all sex-happy."

"We are not sex-happy," snapped Meredith, choosing to bypass the first question completely.

"Right," said Izzie, laughing slightly. "You two were all over each other with the rest of us sitting here. Now, completely alone for four days with no sex?" She just grinned incredulously. "Whatever you say Mer."

"Seriously. With the groping and the kissing," agreed Cristina, raising an eyebrow as her expression slipped into a slow smirk. "Shepherd looked like he wanted to throw us out."

Meredith rolled her eyes, quickly growing annoyed as she thought back to just how sore and wretched she had felt for the majority of the past four days. "No," she replied, glaring at them. "There has been no sex. I'm stuck here because I almost went into labor, remember?" Izzie's expression grew quickly apologetic and Cristina's smirk faded. "I probably can't even have sex now," she continued, her voice full of an understated but definite longing. "And, even if I could, I'll never know. So just…stop talking about it," she concluded, flopping back against her pillows with a heavy sigh.

"Umm…what?" asked Izzie. Her brown eyes had widened in confusion, her mouth falling open into a perfect o-shape. "You'll never know?" she echoed, her voice coming out just as puzzled as her expression.

"Addison's currently my doctor," muttered Meredith blandly, staring down at the printed fabric of her hospital gown.

Cristina just shrugged. "So? Ask her."

"I'm not asking her if I can sleep with Derek," said Meredith, her voice coming out strangely high and thin. "Just no. That is wrong. Very, very wrong."

"Well don't include Derek in the question," suggested Izzie helpfully.

Meredith simply rolled her eyes again. "You think?" she snapped.

"Hey relax," said Alex, shrugging absently. "She already knows you want in Shepherd's scrubs, and he wants in yours. The whole hospital knows. It's not going to be surprising."

"It's just…" began Meredith, feeling her face flush slightly. She hesitated for a moment, as if contemplating speaking with Addison, but promptly shook her head, groaning as she said, "No. I can't ask her when the implied other half is her husband."

"Fine. I'll ask her," volunteered Izzie almost mischievously. "I'm on your case now too, remember?" She rocked back on her heels, looking very pleased with herself as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail.

"No you won't," hissed Meredith as Cristina's expression darkened, and she stared disbelievingly at Meredith.

"Back up," she said flatly. "The whole McMarried thing. How long is that lasting?" There was a sharp edge to her voice that made Meredith wince, turning to focus intently on her folded hands as she gave a small shrug.

"I don't know."

"What?" spluttered George incredulously.

"Seriously Mer," said Izzie, her tone as shocked as his. "Haven't you talked about it?"

"Of course she's talked about it. She wouldn't be that big of an idiot to act like she's dating Shepherd again without ever bringing up the matter of the wife," answered Cristina, but her tone was vaguely mocking, filled with her own frustrations as she correctly interpreted the suddenly guilty light in Meredith's eyes.

"It's just…we haven't really talked about her. At least, not since the first night." Meredith shrugged again, chewing anxiously on her lip, and trying to ignore the doubts that had been forced to resurface. "It's complicated," she continued, struggling to rationalize for herself why neither of them had brought up his marriage, or just what the two of them were doing now. They had simply been living in the moment; relishing each other's company, and not bothering to step back and figure out how to straighten out the mess that surrounded their lives. Meredith shook her head, her hand coming to rest against her stomach. "She saved my baby, so…" It wasn't a good excuse, but it was at the heart of why she hadn't demanded explanations about Addison the way she would've before. She shrugged and trailed off, her eyes imploring her friends to understand.

"So you're being an idiot," snapped Cristina.

"No," moaned Meredith, shaking her head more forcefully this time. "He's leaving her. It's implied. Seriously, it's been implied." She straightened up, finding reassurance in the memory of what they'd said to each other when she had first woken up to find him there in her room, of the feelings that had filled every touch and every word since. Nearly every moment that he hadn't spent in surgery had been spent at her side. "Look," she continued, her voice growing stronger. "I know you guys hate him, but Derek wouldn't kiss me like that if he were staying with Addison. He wouldn't say the things he's said…if he were."

Alex just snorted. "It's not that we hate him Mer," he said. "He's got a history. That's all."

"A history?" she echoed, tugging nervously on the patient ID bracelet snapped around her wrist. "Of…?" The word trembled slightly, hanging awkwardly in the air, and not quite needing an answer. Finally, Izzie cleared her throat, and spoke softly.

"Of leading you on, Mer."

"No…he's not," said Meredith, trying to turn angry over their doubt, but instead simply feeling shaky and uncertain. She curled back into the pillows, pulling her blankets up close to her chest; suddenly desperate for warmth. "Everything's fine."

"Of course it is," said George earnestly, and she knew he meant well--that he was just being George--however, when coupled with the silent and doubtful looks that marked the faces of her other friends, Meredith couldn't help but find it completely condescending. She groaned and turned away, not meeting their eyes.

It was Alex who finally spoke; shattering the stiff silence that had fallen over them. "All I'm saying is, Shepherd has no right to ask you to take anything on faith," he said, a gentleness that Meredith wasn't used to hearing filling his voice. "He has everything to prove, so demand some proof."

She nodded her head reluctantly, knowing that he was right…that they couldn't keep pretending that the world reached only as far as the door to her room. There were other things, complicated things…she didn't even know if Derek had talked to Addison yet. There was a marriage and a child, and problems that weren't simply soothed away by staring deep into each others eyes for hours; murmuring stupid pointless things in low whispers between lazy kisses. That alone wasn't a foundation, and Meredith knew they had to start building a real one if everything that had been implied was to cross the gap from murmured promises and into reality. The resolute cheerfulness of the balloons and flowers surrounding her suddenly seemed painfully out of place; she found herself feeling overwhelmed in a way she thought the past four days had helped her forget. Meredith slumped down in bed, staring blankly at her friends. She had to truly talk to Derek, and yet…she wasn't sure how to go about shattering the perfect golden bubble that they'd found each other in again.

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_So yeah, a lot happened in the chapter. I'm still feeling the overwhelming urge to ramble on and on, so…just a warning. I may ramble. Hmm…the interns. So, yes…we didn't actually see how they responded when they heard about Mer and the baby. But they did respond. They freaked out, each in their own special way, and Bailey was none too pleased with them for helping Mer out with her terribly stupid and unhealthy plan. So, this was their first chance to see Meredith as she's doing substantially better than she was. And Izzie brings balloons and is just very Izzie about decorating Mer's room for her. And, they all know the sex of the baby. And you know, they bet on what it was. George guessed right, Cristina and Alex guessed wrong. And Izzie thinks Mer will be thrilled by what it is. And yeah, there actually is a definite answer to what sex it is. Who lost the bet wasn't just assigned arbitrarily, but yeah…if you can tell what it is based on their guesses…I will be very impressed. (Okay, actually only mildly impressed because you do have some pretty good odds.) But Mer is going to wait until she can find out from a newer better ultrasound with Derek instead of just having them tell her, so yes…that's that. McFetus still is sexless._

_And hmm…Mer/Der. So, for the four days we skipped past, they were together a lot. Mer was still pretty sick a lot of the time, but, they were very much doing their happy together thing the way they were at the end of the previous chapter. They've been isolated in a way from everything else because Mer was stuck in her room, and Derek was consequently in that room every free moment he had, and…there just wasn't a lot of exposure to the outside world. It was very much their little cocoon of rekindled love and whatnot. However, they haven't had any sort of talk beyond the first one. They've just been enjoying being with each other, but haven't addressed the actual logistics of the issues that need to be solved…badly. And you see, Addison saved their baby. In a way, that's holding Meredith back from just flat out demanding Derek to tell her what's going on with Addison, and how he's handling things. She's hesitant to even bring the other woman up because she feels in her debt now, yet there she is in Derek's arms, and to Mer…the whole thing just feels very complicated. And so, she's been avoiding the issue, and Derek hasn't brought it up yet either. (I'll refrain from rambling about him here since there was very little written inside his head this chapter. That comes next chapter.) They've just been letting themselves ignore everything save each other and their immediate happiness, and…they could do that in their little cocoon._

_However, this chapter they get more interaction together with other people. All of Mer's friends are there, and Cristina has no problem bluntly referencing Addison as the wife. And Derek reacts weirdly to that. And Mer is suddenly getting opinions beyond her own on what's been going on. She's excellent at just letting herself get wrapped up in Derek, but her friends haven't really moved past the fact that they find him to be an ass. And so, they kind of push Mer back to her senses, pointing out that just existing in happy limbo really isn't the best plan. They have to move past that despite the fact that it may seem tough and unpleasant and perhaps even scary compared to just pretending everything is fine and ignoring everything other than the fact that she's back in Derek's arms._

_So yep, I guess that's about all I have to say. See…I said I was in a rambling mood tonight. Hee. Anyway, I'll try to write some more soon. I have a new exciting plot for a new exciting story floating around in the back of my mind, so, as much as I don't want this story to end (in a while still heh)…I am excited about my new exciting idea. (I have now thoroughly overused the word exciting.) And yeah, thanks so much for reading! _


	20. My Sweetest Downfall

_So, for some reason, this chapter was lots of fun to write. Much more fun than the previous one. I think this may say strange things about me, but meh…can't really explain them without explaining the chapter. And that? Well, it'd completely defeat the purpose of reading the silly thing. So yes…let's sum that up nice and short. This chapter was fun, fun, fun for me, and I am probably a strange person. Okay, good. Moving on…_

_Thanks again for the lovely reviews people. They're the heart of what make me motivated to keep writing. Seriously, it's just great to hear what you guys think. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Reviews are my crack. Feed my addiction, and all that jolly good stuff._

_And yes, this chapter? It takes place on the same day as the previous one, however it's much later in the day. Last one was early morning, and this one is late afternoon. I don't know why I bother to explain this before hand, and then go on to point out the same thing in the chapter. Perhaps this references the above point where I mentioned just how strange I am. I knew I did that for a reason. But yes, I like to be redundant. Please humor me. Hee…that's about it for now. Enjoy!_

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_You are my sweetest downfall  
I loved you first, I loved you first_  
----

Meredith frowned softly, trying her hardest to act as if this were normal; as if having Addison as her doctor wasn't still painfully awkward. She was pretty sure that she was doing a miserable job, but the whole thing just felt so absurd to her that she wasn't sure how she'd even start pretending it was normal. And so she just sat there as quietly as possible, giving short hushed answers to Addison's questions, and sighing inwardly with relief every time the pale blue of Addison's eyes flicked from her face back to her chart. Meredith shifted slightly and looked over at Izzie. She stood just a little behind Addison, her face splitting into an amused grin when she caught Meredith's gaze, tilting her head towards Addison's rigid form. It helped…having Izzie there. It helped more than she had realized it would. The visits of the previous four days had been full of tense uncomfortable silences like the one they were apparently stuck in now. But then, Meredith had only had her own pain and discomfort to distract herself from the tension. Now, she had Izzie discreetly making every ridiculous face in the book whenever Addison's back was turned--trying to communicate all sorts of ridiculous thoughts through the wild wiggling of her eyebrows and widening of her eyes. Meredith's smile brightened, and she found herself forced to suddenly start coughing to keep from laughing.

Addison looked up from the chart at the sound, and raised an eyebrow. "Is everything alright?" she asked, her voice politely curious.

"Umm…yes," said Meredith quickly. "Just had something in my throat," she continued awkwardly, glaring at Izzie as she caught her breath. Izzie just shrugged, and offered her an even more amused smile. "But I'm feeling much better now. Today…you know, much better than before." She sounded tentative, but it kept the three of them from falling back into another unsettled silence.

"Good," replied Addison as she nodded her head. "You've been completely off the meds for close to twenty-four hours, so you should be feeling some improvements."

"Yeah," said Meredith softly, feeling grateful that they had finally been able to stop pumping her full of the drug that seemed to make the room spin, and send her curling up into a ball as she clutched her throbbing head. "I do."

"No pain?" continued Addison. She stared questioningly at Meredith, clicking her pen absently against the thick binding of the chart. "Anything feeling even slightly like a contraction?"

Meredith shook her head, smiling as her hands traced down the curve of her stomach, coming to rest above her child. "No," she said, and her voice softened as she spoke, more than brimming with her own relief. She looked back up, her unguarded smile still clearly visible. "Nothing," she murmured as she felt her baby move within her; filling her with a feeling that was warm and peaceful instead of constructed completely from fear and jagged edges.

The pale blue of Addison's eyes had deepened slightly, growing almost sad as she watched Meredith stare at the proof of her growing child. With a sharp shake of her head, she cleared her throat and forced herself to keep speaking. "Right," she began briskly. "Well, I'm going to keep you here for another day or two, simply for observation. But as long as you remain stable and keep doing as well as you are today, after that, you'll be free to go home."

Meredith sat up straight, unable to keep the eagerness out of her voice at the thought of finally escaping the bed she'd been stuck in, of making it beyond the four walls of her room. No matter how many times Derek visited, or how brightly Izzie decorated, it wasn't home. It wasn't where she wanted to be. "And work?" she asked hopefully. "I'll be able to come back then?" She was leaning forward, watching Addison intently, hoping to find her nodding her head. But instead, she shook it, a brief frown flickering across her face.

"Not at first," she said simply. "Once you're released, I want you to take a minimum of two weeks off. You need to stay away from the stress of the hospital while you recover." Her voice was firm--leaving no room for argument--still, Meredith found herself groaning as she sunk back into the pillows.

"Seriously?" she asked, her eyes growing dark and troubled. She was sure that, by the time she finally got discharged, she would have already missed at least a whole week of work. To miss two more after that… She stared up at her disbelievingly. "But I'm an intern," she pleaded, unable to keep herself from acknowledging how far behind she would be falling. "You want me to stay away for two whole weeks?" Meredith shook her head, asking, "Do you not realize how much I'll miss?

Addison didn't say anything at first; simply scowled down at her nails, lips drawing into a thin line. But when she finally looked up, her voice was sharp and irritated, almost as if she were speaking to an unruly child. "Do you not realize the reason you're in this bed in the first place is precisely because you worked too much?" she snapped.

"I just…" said Meredith instantly, but she trailed off as quickly as she had begun. Her mind was flashing back to the last time she had been on-call, still remembering with perfect clarity how that had ended with her curled up against the floor in the hallway, in too much pain to walk. Her expression grew quiet and solemn, and she finally nodded her head. "Two weeks…" she repeated, her voice just a hair above a whisper.

"Yes," answered Addison, her own voice softening as Meredith relented. She smiled slightly, saying, "Give yourself time to get back into moving around and doing things yourself. You're going to find it much more tiring than it used to be."

"Okay," said Meredith, nodding her head in agreement. "And after that," she continued hopefully. "After that I can come back?"

"Yes. Part-time." Her voice was flat and even, and she closed the chart as she spoke, filling the small room with a loud echoing snap. Meredith's eyes widened once again in disbelief, and she turned to look at Izzie. Her friend just shrugged; offering her an apologetic smile, but not much more.

"Part-time…" she stammered at last, raising a hand to push her hair out of her eyes. "As in forty hours…that sort of part-time? What about sixty?" she questioned, her voice growing thin as Addison's eyes darkened to a deep and frustrated blue.

"Forty hours," agreed Addison decidedly. "That's plenty. For most people, forty hours _is_ a full work week."

"Most people aren't doctors…aren't _interns_…" grumbled Meredith quietly, more to herself than either Addison or Izzie; struggling to swallow her frustrations. She wanted her baby to be okay. There was no doubt about that in her mind. But her desire to be a doctor, a good doctor, was strong as well. She didn't want to be forced to sit at home, with nothing to do as she fell so far behind her friends that she'd never be able to catch up. She glared angrily down at the sheets, tugging them up over her stomach. Addison interpreted her sudden scowling as a further protest, and not simply the frustrated acceptance that it was, and she shook her head in annoyance.

"Grey," she said sharply. "Most doctors aren't also growing another person inside of them. You are. And right now, you can't handle working more than forty hours without risking hurting that other person. It's up to you." Her words echoed loudly through the quiet room, and Meredith ran a careful hand over the sheets she'd been yanking on, smoothing them into place.

"Fine," she agreed in a muted voice. "Forty hours in two weeks."

Addison smiled at that, nodding her head. "Good choice."

Izzie snorted, speaking up. "Not like you really had a choice," she said lightly. "Good luck getting in even forty-one hours now that Bailey knows about McFetus." She rolled her eyes in an unspoken testament to Bailey's nature, and it brought a smile to Meredith's face, the corners of her lips twitching slightly in amusement. Addison, however, looked back and forth between the two women.

"McFetus?" she asked, her confusion pushing her past the distant restrained version of herself she usually assumed as Meredith's doctor. Her expression was incredulous, and a little bit intrigued. "You call your baby McFetus?"

Meredith just rolled her eyes. "_They _call it McFetus," she said, waving a hand in Izzie's direction in a gesture that was mean to encompass all of her friends. "Don't mind them. They have an annoying habit of adding Mc- onto everything."

"Right, right. I knew about McDreamy…" continued Addison, cringing as she tucked a strand of hair back behind her ear. "I just didn't realize there were more words."

"Oh there's lots more," volunteered Izzie, smirking slightly. Meredith closed her eyes, silently hoping that Izzie wouldn't mention McWife or McBitch, or any of the many other names that revolved solely around Addison. "It's a thing," continued Izzie as Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. "And Mer, you do it too," she added pointedly, making a face at her friend. Meredith rolled her eyes again, but relented with a shrug, knowing that Izzie would have no problem pressing until she got an admission from her. She turned back to look at Addison, expecting to find her either disapproving or annoyed. However, she simply looked amused, something almost wistful filling her eyes as she watched Meredith and Izzie talk. Noticing the younger woman staring at her, Addison sighed and shook of the sudden loneliness that had started to creep over her.

"Okay then," she said, offering a genuine smile. "Do you have any other questions, Meredith?"

"Um," began Meredith, frowning as Izzie caught her eye again, shooting her a pointed look. "Not really." Her eyes widened in disbelief as Izzie mouthed 'sex' at her, and she shook her head. "No," she blurted out, her voice loud and clearly directed towards Izzie as she gave another violent shake of her head. Addison's expression grew confused once more, and she turned around to look at Izzie.

"Is there something?"

"No. Nope," said Meredith quickly, speaking loudly in an attempt to drown out any possible future comments from Izzie. "There's definitely not something," she stammered. "There's nothing. Absolutely nothing to say, or do, or anything…really."

Izzie folded her arms over her chest, shooting Meredith a disapproving frown. "She's lying," she said flatly. "Meredith has a question."

Meredith's voice turned hoarse, coming out barely above a whisper, as her eyes continued to plead desperately with Izzie to just shut up. "No questions."

"Dr. Stevens?" asked Addison. She was glancing continually back and forth between the two women, trying to understand why one suddenly looked so apprehensive while the other looked determined.

"Yeah," continued Izzie, turning away from Meredith to look at her boss. It wasn't that she wanted to make things uncomfortable for Meredith. She simply wanted to see her friend happy again, and apparently happy required Derek away from Addison--an issue that all three people directly involved seemed to be trying their hardest to ignore and gloss over. She smiled as innocently as she could manage, more than prepared to nudge them in the right direction…the direction that was obvious to everyone save them. "She asked me earlier when I came in to check on her, but I wasn't sure of the answer." Her voice had slipped back into its more formal, work appropriate tone, and she paused to offer both women a polite smile.

Meredith groaned and fell back against the pillows, suddenly wishing desperately that she had kept her mouth shut. Rehashing that morning's conversation with Izzie when she'd come back to check on her had apparently turned the question of whether or not she would be able to sleep with Derek into a very pressing and important issue. She shot Izzie another glare, trying to will her to keep her mouth shut.

"Oh," said Addison, her voice growing thoughtful. "What is it?"

"It's nothing," muttered Meredith angrily, picking at a loose thread on her gown. "I've completely forgot my question, it was that insignificant."

Izzie rolled her eyes, looking annoyed as Addison turned back to her, one eyebrow raised questioningly. "She wants to know if she can have sex," she said flatly; and as her voice stopped, her words seemed to fill the room, plunging them into an excruciating silence. It was brief, but it was deathly quiet, and the other two women stood frozen; looks of horror mirrored in their faces.

They broke the silence simultaneously.

"Izzie," hissed Meredith in an aggravated undertone as Addison let out a gasp of comprehension, flushing as she turned away slightly. Izzie just shrugged, and Meredith found herself trying to cobble out some sort of stammered and guilt ridden explanation. "No…I don't," she said, shaking her head vigorously, adding, "I'm not even mildly curious about that, and well…sex no." Meredith made a face, feeling her cheeks flush. "I don't even like sex. I mean, who _likes_ sex?" she heard herself splutter, and if she weren't so busy cringing and wishing that the floor would just open up and swallow her whole, she could almost be amused by how blatantly nonsensical and close to insane she sounded. She trailed off, avoiding Addison's eyes, and staring fixedly at her hands as they fidgeted with her ID bracelet, tugging anxiously on the small plastic strip.

"Um…right," said Addison at last. Her voice sounded thin and breakable, as if it came from very far away. She turned back around. Her face was no longer flushed, but instead had taken on a strained ashen quality. She stared just past Meredith; both women intent on avoiding each other's eyes. "I'm supposed to bring that up," she continued, her voice growing even quieter. It was filled with something shy and apprehensive that sounded strange coming from the perfectly poised woman, but Meredith realized in a rush that it was embarassment. "I just…forgot," she concluded awkwardly.

Izzie looked back and forth between them, feeling a sudden unexpected swell of guilt as she watched the way they both fidgeted uncomfortably; unsure of where to look or what to say. "It was really just a sort of vague general wondering," she offered, hoping to lessen some of the tension at least a little. "Nothing more…" Neither of the women seemed to be comforted by her words in the slightest; both knowing how completely they were drained of even the smallest shred of truth. However, by the time she'd finished speaking, Addison had managed to pull herself back together.

She cleared her throat, staring with rapt attention down at the chart she was holding upside-down. "Assuming you stay stable over the next few days and are allowed to go home, then yes…you can." Meredith nodded, but kept her focus on the bracelet she was still twisting around her wist. "It shouldn't be a problem," continued Addison, struggling to bring her voice back to its regular tone. "Just don't be too…um…" Her attempt to do so failed miserably, and she trailed off, her eyes dark and uncomfortable.

"Right," said Meredith, finally looking up and finding her voice again. "Um…of course. I was…yeah, okay. I'll be careful," she stammered uncertainly, feeling herself once again blush an obvious shade of red. "Not that I'm going to," she continued, sounding suddenly alarmed as she glanced at Addison's rigid form. "I just…right, thanks." She trailed off as well, as her gaze finally locked with Addison's. The two women stared at each other for a moment; faces blank and stunned, both minds utterly unable to come up with anything to say.

At last, Addison shook herself free of the strange pained hold the silence had on them, and she nodded determinedly. "Right," she echoed, once again glancing down at the illegible upside-down writing on the chart. "Um…that's about it for today." Her eyes flicked back towards Meredith once more, and the other woman gave a nod of her head. Without another word, Addison passed the chart back to Izzie, and made her way towards the door, her usually steady stride turning into a rushed uneasy rhythm. Neither intern breathed until the door had closed with a definite click, but as it did, Izzie turned apologetically towards her friend.

"What the hell was that?" spluttered Meredith; shaking her head, her eyes wide with disbelief.

"I'm sorry," said Izzie as she shrugged her shoulders. "I didn't realize it would be so…disastrous."

"You didn't realize it would be so disastrous?" repeated Meredith, her voice growing quickly angry. She raised a hand, and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. When she straightened up, her eyes were glowing incredulously. "Izzie…you just asked her if I could sleep with her _husband_," she hissed, still shaking her head as she spoke. "I mean, seriously…what did you expect? She'd laugh, and the two of us would sit down and start comparing notes on Derek?" Izzie shifted uncomfortably, giving another indeterminate shrug. Meredith just moaned, trying to force the memory of the conversation out of her mind. "This thing is awkward enough on its own. Seriously…what the hell were you thinking?"

Izzie frowned, suddenly turning defensive. "Please," she said, folding her arms over her chest. "I _know _Derek's slept in here at least two of the past four nights. You're already doing everything other than having sex, so don't act like it was this huge leap out of nowhere." She sounded as frustrated as Meredith felt, and she yanked her hair up into a ponytail as she spoke, adding, "You two act like you're back together, and if you are, than it's not weird to ask your doctor. It's normal. That's what people do."

Meredith just moaned and shook her head. "It's not that simple."

"Only because the three of you are ignoring the fact that you're trapped in this freaking triangle," snapped Izzie, thinking back to the utter strangeness of the morning, and the whispered bits of gossip that floated freely through the halls of the hospital. But, as she took in Meredith's huddled dejected form, her expression softened. Leaning forward, she nudged her friend with her elbow, adding, "Besides, in a week or so, you'll be thanking me for this."

"What?" asked Meredith disbelievingly. "Why?" She looked up in confusion--unsure of why she would ever thank _anyone _for instigating the conversation that had just occurred--however Izzie simply gave an innocent shrug of her shoulders, her expression irritatingly smug.

"Because," she began slowly, drawing out the word. "You forget. I know _exactly _how horny pregnancy can make you." And with that, she shot Meredith a sudden grin, pivoting about on her heel and flouncing towards the door. "Page me if you need me," she called over her shoulder before the door closed once again, leaving Meredith alone with the frustrated silence that filled the empty room.

Meredith groaned, mumbling crossly under her breath as she sunk back against the pillows. She sat there staring blankly down at her stomach. Some distant part of her mind was marveling at just how much it seemed to have grown in the past week or so, taking note of the way it created a definite swell in the sea of blankets draped over her. That same remote portion of her brain was mentally flipping through the jumbled contents of her closet; vaguely aware that the majority of her clothing might not fit her anymore. However, the rest of her brain, the majority of herself…it was still caught up in reeling frantically from everything that had transpired since Izzie opened her mouth. Part of her wanted to be mad, desperately wanted to be mad. Mad was easy. She could handle mad. However, she was secretly grateful to Izzie despite the awkwardness, and that alone completely ruined her ability to rage blindly at her friend. And so Meredith just sat there; confused, annoyed, more than a little bit lonely. She lost track of time--caught up in trying to make sense of everything that had happened since she'd woken up that morning--and so she wasn't sure if it had been ten minutes, or an hour, or a whole day, but eventually there came the sound of knocking at her door.

"Um…come in," called Meredith, sitting back up in bed and running a hand through her tangled hair. She leaned forward, peering uncertainly at the door--blinking in astonishment as it was pushed open, and Addison came stepping into the room. The taller woman stood frozen in the doorway, her face uncharacteristically apprehensive. She was staring down at the muted leather surface of her shoes, her eyes shadowed and nervous. Meredith just looked at her, racking her brain for something to say, but coming up with absolutely nothing.

"Meredith," began Addison at last, taking a tentative step into the room, and closing the door behind her. Meredith nodded, unable to keep from wincing as their eyes met briefly. She pulled on a loose thread, effectively unraveling a good portion of her blanket's hem, but it seemed inconsequential. Her mind was too busy flooding with guilt to contemplate whether or not it was wrong to damage hospital supplies by letting her nervous hands pull apart the blanket's stitching.

"I'm sorry about earlier," she heard herself stammer, and Addison flinched so noticeably at that that Meredith paused for a second, an odd frown crossing her face as she studied the other woman. But, in an instant, her guilt flared up again, and a babble of apologies came spilling forth from her lips. "I'm really sorry. Izzie…I, we…shouldn't have, and I'm not going to…um… Not going to…"

"Meredith," interrupted Addison, holding up a hand. Her voice sounded dreadfully strained. "I actually wanted to ask you about something else."

"Oh," said Meredith, stopping short and nodding her head. She blushed, wishing desperately that she'd just stayed quiet, and saved them both her awkward attempt at an apology. "Right. Okay," she agreed, looking up and meeting Addison's eyes uneasily.

"I was…I've been…" Addison stammered, her voice growing suddenly soft and shy. She trailed off quickly, glancing down at the floor again. She was apparently steeling herself to speak because, when she looked back up, her question flowed easily from her lips. "Do you know where Derek is?"

"Do I know where Derek is?" echoed Meredith slowly. For an instant, her thoughts flashed to the possibility of that being a trick question meant to pin her as a consequence of their earlier conversation. However, she'd never had much luck with lying or clever replies, and so she just shrugged, shaking her head. "Not since early this morning. He said he had to go…do a thing." She looked questioningly at Addison. In the back of her mind, Meredith had been hoping that his sudden departure had been fueled by an equally sudden need to end his marriage that very instant. She knew it was foolish, and not at all the way her life tended to work, but still, she had been secretly hoping. Only now, staring at Addison's puzzled face, she knew that wasn't what had happened.

"Oh…" replied Addison as she adjusted her glasses. "Okay. I haven't seen him in a few days, so I was just wondering." She spoke quickly, as if possessed by the need to explain why she would be looking for her own husband.

"Oh…" echoed Meredith. Nodding her head, she found herself unsure of whether the apparent utter lack of communication between the Shepherds was relieving or disquieting. She looked back up when she realized that Addison was still speaking; her voice was a soft murmur, almost as if her thoughts were accidentally slipping out in verbal form.

"…I've been avoiding him lately, but I guess I thought I'd see him at work." Addison stopped abruptly; looking altogether horrified and uncertain over the fact that she had suddenly started to speak to Meredith as if the two of them had anything in common, as if the other woman had any desire to hear her concerns. Biting her lip, she took an awkward half step towards the door.

"Maybe he's in surgery," volunteered Meredith suddenly, and that suggestion caused Addison to stop short, turning back around. The look on her face made Meredith instantly uneasy, and she pulled her blankets close to her chest, eyes trained warily on Addison.

She just shook her head, red hair swishing with the gentle motion. "No. I checked the board," she said flatly. "He's not even on it today." Meredith's mouth fell open into a perfect o-shape at that, and she blinked uncertainly, her mind racing and at odds with the definite memory of seeing Derek in scrubs that morning. She looked back up, her eyes meeting Addison's, and finding her own apprehension reflected there.

"That's weird," she said at last, her words coming out as a soft whisper.

Addison simply nodded, her own voice a hollow echo. "Yeah…weird." They stared at each other for a moment longer; both unguarded and finding themselves frightened by the few similarities that seemed to stand out bold and glaring amongst the sea of their many differences. They pulled away simultaneously--Meredith looking back down at the bed as Addison cleared her throat. "Okay…right," she continued, moving once again towards the door. "Just thought I'd ask." Meredith nodded, still not raising her head. Addison's steps echoed through the quiet room, but she spoke again as her hand reached for the handle. "If you see him, tell him I need to speak to him?"

"Um…yeah," stammered Meredith. "Of course."

Addison looked back, smiling over her shoulder with a heartrending awkwardness. "Thanks."

And with that, she left, and the door closed. As it did, Meredith lay back down in bed. She stared up at the ceiling, suddenly missing Derek desperately as she tried to sort out where he was. Amidst all her confusion, she found herself feeling sadder than she ever had before. Only, this time, her sorrow wasn't for herself. Addison's face swam back into her mind, and she closed her eyes, her hands drifting down to cradle her child as she turned to her side and started to cry.

-----

Derek stared out over the water. It was smooth and glassy, the darkening surface perfectly capturing and reflecting what was left of the sun's fading light. In the far west, he could still make out the streaked golds and reds of the sunset, and they shimmered in little ripples towards him; moving soundlessly, not disturbing the peace that seemed to radiate from the heart of the land. He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply to fill himself with the crisp sharp air. And, as he opened his eyes to the water again, he cast his line, sending it sailing effortlessly far out from the shore. Giving a contented nod to his work, he shifted the fishing pole in his hands, leaning back against the trunk of a tree as he glanced up at its bare and spindly branches. It was the dead of winter. Even in Seattle, while there was no snow or brutal cold, the weather was not exactly gentle. Still…so far, the night was free of rain. And, Derek had a hunch that, even if it started to pour, he wouldn't feel pressed to move from where he stood on the bank just beyond his trailer. He needed to relax. He needed to think. And to do that, he needed to fish.

Derek heaved a sigh, running his hand roughly through his dark unruly curls--turning back to stare absently at the water as his mind drifted back to the events of the day. He had left Meredith with her friends. That wasn't what bothered him. The bond between the interns seemed to run thicker than blood. It was the bright flash of familiar red hair he'd come across after leaving her room that had plagued him incessantly. He had watched Addison from clear across the bustling nurses' station, eyes trained on the back of her head. She had been moving continually; drinking coffee while reading a chart, and glancing up every now and then to give orders to a nurse who was walking beside her, nodding attentively. Derek had found himself filled with the desire to charge her down--to disrupt that perfect ordered busyness she'd somehow managed to master over the past eleven years--and demand a divorce. It had been on his mind when he'd left Meredith's room. He needed a divorce. He needed to end his marriage. If he was honest with himself, he should have ended it a long time ago. It was past dead now; just this strange dangling thing that simply struggled on and bound the two of them together. But as he'd stared at her, he hadn't been able to move. His feet had been frozen to the floor, and he'd watched helplessly as she walked away without even noticing him. She had disappeared down the hall and into a patient's room, off to tend to some unknown mother and her child. And it had been that thought that had held Derek immobile more than anything else. Her motions mirrored the way that she had taken care of Meredith and their baby, had saved them and never once said anything bitter to him about it. And that had made him laugh in a way that was utterly devoid of joy. Addison was usually full of at least one, if not more, disparaging comment, and she had no qualms about directing them at him. But with this, there was nothing save silence. Derek had stood there disbelievingly, realizing it had been entire days since they had last spoke, despite the overwhelming wall of things they needed to say.

That fact alone had killed his resolve. He couldn't yank her out from her patient's room to talk to her. He couldn't page her to divorce her. It seemed unnaturally cruel. And, after saving the baby and Meredith, she deserved better. Hell…after eleven years of their life, they both deserved better. He needed to think of what he was going to say. But, in the hospital, Derek had found he could think of nothing beyond Meredith. The desire to simply go back into her room, and stay there for the rest of the day had been close to overwhelming. She made it easy to forget the world; to curl up beside her, feeling as if nothing was important…as if nothing even existed beyond the two of them. And so, Derek had left for the day with little more than a hasty demand to a nurse to clear his schedule. It had garnered him more strange looks and more gossip, but he hadn't cared. He had barely even heeded Richard's grumblings when he'd told him that he'd need a few days off. None of that mattered. All that mattered was finding a way to end his marriage without further hurting Addison, and finally being free to give Meredith what she deserved; a future free of the baggage and complications that had plagued them from their very beginning.

Feeling a sudden tug on his line, Derek found himself jerked from his thoughts. He looked back up, and returned his attention to the water. But, after a moment, the fish neglected the bait, and the tension running through the rod melted away. The remaining rays of daylight had been swallowed up by the night, and the dark sky was deepening the blue of the water, turning it closer to black. Derek smiled slightly, amazed at the tranquility that seemed to flood the water itself; a perfect opposite to the way his own life felt. But, as he stared out over the bank, Derek couldn't help but feel happy despite everything. The back of his mind was filling the space to his right with the small form of a child. He tried to imagine what it would be like; if he would be teaching his own son how to fish, or if the air would be filled with the squeals of his daughter as she labeled all things related to fish and bait as disgusting. Derek laughed suddenly--a soft low sound--as his thoughts flashed back to Meredith's eagerness over all things related to surgery. And he realized, with her as a mother, squeamish might be the very last thing his daughter would ever be. He could see her there too…see Meredith. She looked perfect in his mind, the fading sunlight making her hair glow golden as it spilled in messy waves over her shoulders and got in her eyes. And she would be perfect…at all of this. Derek smiled at the thought of her bending down and picking up their child, holding the small form easily on her hip. And two voices would call out his name; the gentle familiar melody of Meredith's voice, and the unknown sound of their child speaking. It was currently nothing more than a garbled sound of innocence. It was just a vague idea, but it was a happy one. In his thoughts, Derek found everything was happy…Meredith especially. And when they called his name, he would go to them. He would be utterly free to go to them.

He reached into the pocket of his coat, pulling out the ring that he'd stopped wearing, but still found himself carrying with him constantly. The truth was simple; he wasn't free. Not yet. Not until he found a way to finally sever what was left of the vows he'd made years ago. Derek smiled dryly, thinking of how easily it was for him to sever things every day. He was a surgeon. Cutting was built into his bones. Scalpels fit to the curve of his hand like a glove. And yet this cut--this final separating stroke--was holding him paralyzed. He didn't know how to begin. The permanency to it filled the air around him despite the fact that he hadn't even voiced it. In a way, Derek didn't need to. He could already tell. This would be permanent. This would send them miles apart in a way that even a whole continent hadn't quite managed to do.

Derek sighed sadly, thinking back to when he and Addison had been young together. They had been painfully young and naïve in a way that he could almost find laughable now if it weren't for the sincerity that had filled everything they had said to each other then. They used to look up from their textbooks late at night, feeling numb and exhausted from hours of studying. And they would roll across the floor or crawl over the bed to each other; collapsing into a drained heap as their limbs jumbled together and they stared blankly at the ceiling or deep into each others' eyes. On nights like that, they had talked. When the numbers glowing on the clock beside their bed grew painfully small and late, they had always talked. Their hushed voices had filled their apartment with dreams for the future that were simultaneously hesitant and bold. Their versions of the future had changed often; being highly susceptible to both their moods and the sheer amount of studying they had done recently. But one thing had always been constant in the midst of their changing dreams. They had always been together. The idea of a future in which they existed independently hadn't even existed. At the time, Derek would have found the idea absurd. But now, staring out at the water, it was simply the truth. To think of the future was to think of Meredith. The two were inextricably linked, and, even if it were possible to separate the two, and go back to the way things were before…Derek knew he wouldn't do it.

He wanted the rest of his life to be aligned with Meredith's, not Addison's. He felt as if he were racking his brain almost violently, but he couldn't figure out what to say…how to end his marriage without hurting her. And yet, something told him that every day that he let pass with nothing happening would only serve to hurt Meredith. That thought alone was close to unbearable, and Derek sat down on the bank, laying back in the grass. He needed a way to end things. Letting go of his fishing rod, he stared hopelessly up at the stars, forcing himself to think.

No matter how hard he tried, Derek couldn't come up with the words.

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_So yeah…I think this chapter was much sadder than the previous one. And I love writing the sadness. It is my favorite thing. (Hence my strangeness.) But yes, I have thoughts! Addie/Izzie/Mer…I confess, I like putting Addie and Mer together. They amuse me with their awkwardness. So yep, Izzie opens her big mouth because she can be a bit talky, and she really just is hoping that by pointing out the obvious to these people, they can maybe stop being stupid. However, awkwardness ensues. Lots of awkwardness because seriously, there was no way for them to talk about Derek and sex in a calm collected manner. Not then, there's still way too much unresolved drama. _

_So…Addison. She's having a hard time. She's sort of been ignoring Derek lately, and he hasn't exactly been going home or in any rush to find her himself as his attention has been completely focused in on Mer. However, Izzie's comment does have an echo of its desired effect. It makes Addison want to talk to Derek, and, because she has no clue how he managed to simply leave the hospital, she goes to ask Mer if she knows where he is. And, she's very un-Addison when she does so. She's vulnerable and uncertain, and not at all this perfect poised woman that Meredith tends to very much view her as. And that gets to Mer because suddenly that seems a lot like herself, and there are these glaring similarities that stand out between the two women despite how different they are in many ways. And, at the end, Meredith realizes just how difficult this is for Addison. Because…she knows that the woman's marriage is more than likely over, and for her…losing Derek after just a few months was devastating. She can't imagine what it would feel like to lose the past eleven years of her life. And so, even though Mer is very confused about what is going on with Derek and all of that, in the end, it's what happening to someone else that makes her sad and start to cry._

_And Derek…yeah, he very much wanted to divorce Addison when he left Mer's room that morning. However, just as Mer is being held back by the fact that Addison saved the baby, so is Derek. And he doesn't want to just blurt out this demand for an end to their lives together. He wants something to say that will somehow magically make this not hurt for Addison. And really, there's no such thing. However, he plays his stupid boy penis card, and goes off fishing to help himself think. And he ends up not really figuring out what to say, but just generally thinking a lot…about his past with Addison, and about his future with Meredith. And so, even though what he wants is perfectly clear to him and he knows that he needs to get a divorce, he's overwhelmed by the process, and uncertain of how to ask for it._

_So yeah, that's about it for now. They're all still trying to sort out the mess they've made for themselves. Thanks for reading! _


	21. Falling Awake

_So…I finally managed to stop obsessively watching the final Mer/Der clip from Thursday's episode long enough to write some more. Okay…well, I didn't stop obsessively watching it. It went on a brief hiatus, but I may need to watch it one more time before going to bed. Because just…le sigh. It was fabulous._

_Anyway, about my story. This is still the same day. Very long day, no? But, now it's night, so I guess that counts a little. Hmmm… But yes, thanks so much for the reviews. I'm glad to hear people are enjoying the story, and getting understandably antsy for silly Derek to go about fixing things. He is a silly boy, always remember that. Hee. Anyway, that's about it for now. Enjoy! _

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_It's only up to you  
It's the hardest pill to swallow_  
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Addison walked with practiced caution over the darkened ground, making her way from her car towards the silver mass of the trailer. When she had first moved all her belongings clear across the country, and came to live in what was, without a doubt, the middle of nowhere, she had nearly sprained her ankle twice on her way to and from work. Three inch heels did not cooperate well with the rough uneven ground surrounding the trailer. But she had gotten used to moving slowly and deliberately, testing the surface for hidden holes before allowing her full weight to sink down upon the tiny delicate spikes of her heels. It had taken practice at first, but now, she could move effortlessly across Derek's land. Derek's land… Even after several months, in her mind it remained simply Derek's land. She was always just a guest--just a visitor. It was Derek's house…trailer, whatever. It was where she lived, but it wasn't her _home_. It didn't feel like her at all. If she thought about it, she had nowhere to call home anymore. But thinking about that was unbearably lonely. Shaking her head as if to force her thoughts into submission, Addison threw her head back, staring up at the dark and star studded sky. It was beautiful; a velvety blackness pierced with hundreds of diamonds of light. A sad smile played across her face, and unwillingly she tore her gaze from the heavens. As it returned to the earth, she caught sight of another figure, approaching the trailer from the opposite side. Even in the murky darkness of the late evening, she could make out who he was; the outline of a fishing pole resting against his shoulder, the blacker smudge amongst the shadows that marked the presence of his unruly raven hair, and the familiar easy gait with which he traveled closer and closer towards her.

Without realizing it, her steps slowed to a crawl. Addison could barely remember to breathe, and consequently she moved aimlessly, shuffling a little more as she walked, her gaze darting to and from Derek. After days marked by absolute silence and absence, there he was. Simply fishing, as if everything were still normal. She rolled her eyes just before he drew close enough to read the expression, but it was a pathetic empty protest anyway. Because, even though she was annoyed that he was fishing--that he had apparently vanished to go fishing--at least she had finally found him.

They stopped walking at the same time, freezing within a few feet of each other. Eyes shone in the darkness as they stood still and stared at each other. Addison couldn't bring herself to speak, and Derek couldn't think of anything to say, suddenly wishing that he'd stayed down by the bank for a little bit longer. He was surprised to see her standing there in front of him. Jerking his head slightly in a rough form of a greeting, he reminded himself that it shouldn't be surprising to find Addison coming home to the trailer, that it was where she lived. Still, everything felt strange, as if they'd fallen away from their life and into an altered world where they still looked the same, yet felt like perfect strangers. Addison didn't even return his greeting, but simply wrapped her arms around her chest, hugging her dark woolen jacket close to her body. His mouth felt dry, but he finally forced himself to speak.

"Addison…"

The name was a hollow whisper, almost stolen away by the wind, but she finally nodded in response. After that brief burst of sound, silence came rushing forward full force again, holding them immobilized. They stared uncertainly at each other, both somewhat unsure of the other's intentions.

It was Addison who broke the silence this time, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "You smell like…fish," she said simply, a sudden flicker of her old personality shining through as she arched an eyebrow, scrutinizing his damp and muddied clothing. Derek lifted the dead form of a trout in response, its scales glistening in the pale light. A hint of a proud smile ghosted across his face, but it faded away at the sound of Addison's quiet moan of revolt.

"Sorry," he said quickly, lowering the fish. "I'll go put it behind the trailer." He indicated his direction with a tilt of his head, before striding purposely away from her.

"Thanks," she murmured, her voice soft and as deliberately polite as his had been. She walked the remaining feet to the small wooden porch erected in front of her home, an imperceptible sigh escaping her lips as she made it onto the solid sturdy surface of the steps. Pushing the door open, Addison walked into the dark and empty trailer. She glanced around her surroundings hesitantly, feeling unexplainably out of place. She didn't move beyond a trip to the light switch, not even to take her coat off; she simply stood there fully dressed, waiting for Derek to return.

And, it took him awhile. He moved with a slowness that mirrored his wife's halting uncertainty; as if every last second he could squeeze in for himself out alone in the night was precious, possibly holding the answers he'd failed to find down by the water. But, at last, the fish was resting on the low table out back, and he'd set his fishing rod down. He couldn't seem to slow the pace of his natural stride, and so all too soon, he found himself blinking in the bright light that now flooded the trailer. Addison was standing with her back to him, still clutching her coat tightly to her body. She didn't stir in the slightest as the door slammed loudly behind him, but rather remained perfectly immobile. With a shrug that wasn't even half as casual or careless as Derek would've liked, he made his way to the sink--washing his hands as meticulousy as he did when scrubbing in for surgery. The water was scalding hot, but he barely noticed. His mind was too busy racing uncontrollably. Addison was standing next to him, and he had nothing to say. He hadn't had _time_ to come up with anything to say. A part of him wanted to race down to the water, and find sanctuary in the wildness there; to stall, and avoid, and put off for a little bit longer. But it was impossible now that their paths had crossed in perfect solitude. Resigning himself to stumbling forward blindly into this, Derek turned off the faucet, moving to dry his hands on a dishtowel. And, as the sound of the water ceased, Addison finally turned around to look at him. Illuminated by the glowing bulb above them, he saw clearly how tired she was. Her eyes seemed paler than usual, as if sadness were somehow washing out their natural color and sparkle. Her lips were drawn into a thin line that seemed to mimic her posture, as if she seeked to curl herself up and close herself off as much as possible; an animal desperately seeking the safety of its shell.

"Addison," he said gently, calling her name for the second time that night. Once again, she only nodded. The small gesture of her head seemed resigned, and it emphasized the new vulnerability he had filled her with in a way that was physically painful. As he stared at her, Derek finally came to realize that nothing good would come of delaying what he had to do. Even if holding out meant that he could find a way to end them eloquently--to do their marriage justice--it wouldn't be worth it. Lingering on only made the pain worse, he could read the proof of that written clearly across her face. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing the dark curls back away from his eyes as he forced himself to speak. "We need to talk."

She laughed at that, nodding her head again. But, it was a cold and empty laugh; a haunted echo of a sound that was supposed to be happy. After the discordant noise had faded from her lips, she agreed with him, saying, "Yeah…we do." Once again, they stared at each other, and this time both pairs of eyes were pained and brimming with uncertainty. Derek opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it, as if the burst of laughter had freed her words. "You're having a baby," she said quietly. Her voice was low and it trembled slightly; the sentence sounding like an accusation as it hung between them.

Derek simply nodded. "I am."

Those two words struck her hard, shattering the fragile hold she had on her composure. Addison sunk her teeth hard into her bottom lip to stave off the tears that were already burning insistently at the corners of her eyes. She hadn't cried once since finding out Meredith was pregnant, and she had been able to find an odd sort of pride in the fact. She didn't want to lose her hold on that claim, but she could feel sobs building at the base of her throat. Addison shook her head, forcing a deep calming gulp of air into her lungs. It worked--for the time being--and she finally stammered out the exquisitely painful half of the truth. "Without me."

The admission seemed to rob her of her height, shrinking her down into something infinitely small and close to breaking. It propelled Derek forward, his arm looping around her waist, steering her trembling form towards the bed that waited just a few feet from them. Addison thought about pulling away and pushing his hand off, but she felt as if she were no longer quite certain of how one went about standing. Her body quaked, choking on a sob that she just barely managed to swallow into submission, and her knees gave way. Giving up, she leaned into him, letting his steadying hands guide her down to rest on the soft surface of the mattress.

"I'm sorry Addie," he murmured, feeling utterly helpless as he folded her long slender hand within his own. Even her fingers felt as if they were trembling, and there seemed to be no variance in temperature between the cold metal of her wedding rings and her own flesh. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I was wrong to let you find out the way you did, so wrong." Derek was studying her face intently, watching as she shook her head. Her lips had all but disappeared into a thin little line, and she rocked back and forth slightly, at war with herself to keep from crying. "Addie," he tried once more, the sound full of an old and gentle familiarity, but carrying an undertone of pure concern. Her constant shivering scared him, and he wanted it to stop…yet, he suddenly felt as if he'd lost everything he had learnt over the past eleven years about calming his wife. He reached out with a cautious hand, placing it back around her waist again to draw her closer.

While it didn't comfort her, it did get her to cease rocking. She shook her head sharply, finding her voice. "No," she stammered, scooting away from him as she drew her breath in a sharp hiss. "I'm okay. I'm good," she said determinedly, fooling neither him nor herself. Still, Addison turned and offered Derek a strained smile, her eyes shining. "Why wouldn't I be?" she asked, and her voice was high and tense--the perfect compliment to her expression. "You're having a baby. That's great. Really great, Derek. I'm happy for…" But at that, she trailed off, the meaning swallowed up by a small moan. Her lips were trembling too much to form words, and Addison leaned forward, burying her face in her hands as she burst into tears.

"You don't have to be happy for me," he said quietly, his hand hovering uncertainly in the air. "It's okay. It's okay, Addie." But the words felt devoid of comfort, and he shook his head as he stared at her, the ragged gasping sound of her crying filling the room. She said something in response, but she was drowning her own voice out, and her words were nothing save another thin strangled moan. Unable to merely watch her anymore, Derek lost the hesitancy that had taken over his hands, and pulled her back into his arms. She didn't protest this time, but simply slumped against his chest; hating that she was crying, yet unable to stop herself. Her mind swam with old memories of crying in Derek's arms as the strength of his body soothed her, but the recollections came in disjointed bursts, and were all painfully at odds with her present reality. Now, the familiar sensation of his hand running up and down the length of her back only served to double her tears. However, she clung to him still, listening desperately to the low murmur of his voice. And Derek didn't loosen his hold on her as she cried, but kept her pressed close to him, trying to appease her with a hundred apologies that they both knew couldn't truly fix anything.

Time lost all meaning as Addison spilled every last tear that she had been holding back. But finally, she had drained herself dry. She lay there exhausted, sniffling quietly as her damp forehead rested against Derek's chest. With a deep steadying breath, she forced herself to sit back up and separate herself from him. She smiled awkwardly, raising a hand to dry her eyes. Her expression contorted into a frown as she pulled her hand away to find her fingertips blackened by the ruined remnants of her mascara. Wordlessly, Derek turned and grabbed a tissue from the box by their bed, holding it out to her.

"Thanks," she mumbled as she accepted it, doing her best to fix her makeup without a mirror. She supposed it didn't really matter now, anyway. Derek just watched her with a soft smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes. They remained dark and troubled, and he found himself dreading the moment in which she would stop drying her tears, and look back at him, expecting him to speak. It came all too soon; the tissue falling away from her face as she twisted it into a tight shredded knot. They let the silence linger on for a moment, their eyes once again locking. But finally, Addison gave a slight nod of her head, prompting him to continue.

Derek cleared his throat, letting his head fall forward to rest in his hands. "It's… I've…" he began uncertainly, still searching even as he spoke. "I've been avoiding this," he admitted at last, his voice coming out low and ashamed. "I've been avoiding this because I didn't know how to say it." He lifted his head again to look at Addison. She had moved back further onto the bed, her knees curled close to her chest as she stared at him through vacant eyes, her expression giving nothing away. Derek groaned and found himself getting to his feet. He paced back and forth in the small space in front of the bed, once again running his hand through his hair. The ends were standing up wildly, and the light in his eyes seemed equally on edge. "I still don't know how," he continued, his voice plummeting to a whisper as he stopped pacing and simply stood there, staring at his wife. "I don't want to hurt you, Addie…but I know I already have. And, there's no easy way to explain this. There's nothing I…"

"Derek…" Addison spoke softly as well, but her voice was louder than his, and it cut him off completely. She glanced down to where her hands gripped her knees, her fingernails digging into her flesh out of an unconscious need to feel something beyond the broken throbbing of her heart. She bit her lip as she stared at her rings--still shining perfectly--steeling herself to speak. "Just say it," she continued at last; her words coming out as a plea to pull them away from the pain that was currently filling them. "I'm not stupid. We both know what you want, so just…say it, Derek."

Her words were met with silence as Derek nodded his head. Even given explicit permission, the act of actually speaking felt close to insurmountable. Addison was still staring at him, now with a quiet expectancy, forcing him to find his voice. Derek closed his eyes, breathing in deeply as he did. The air felt stale running past his lips and filling his throat, but he swallowed the complaint as he found her eyes once more. "I want a divorce," he said quietly, his hands burying deeply in his pockets. His voice trembled as he stared warily at Addison, but she didn't flinch. Her expression remained stony--lacking even the slightest hint of life or movement. "I…" he continued, his voice growing heavy. "I want to be with Meredith and the baby. I _need _to be with them."

She could tell he was watching her expectantly, and so Addison forced her head to move in a slight nod--a simple display of comprehension. The words were hanging heavily in the room, and filling her completely. Even though she had been expecting him to say just that, it did nothing to make it less painful. The truth came with hard blunt edges, undeniable bullets that hurt on every syllable. "You want a divorce," she echoed at last. It felt ugly to even say the words, but somehow she managed. She was secretly grateful that her voice had chosen that moment to strengthen, and that she was able to do something beyond once again dancing the border of tears. But Derek nodded his head in response, and her sudden strength disappeared as quickly as she had found it. Addison leaned forward, pressing her face against her knees. "Okay," she agreed in a small voice.

"Addison," he said softly, coaxing her to look up. She refused, and kept her face buried against the deep red fabric of her skirt. She couldn't look up. She couldn't look at _him_. It was taking all of her willpower to not cry when she had nothing to concentrate on beyond the vague discomfort that came from pressing her forehead hard against her knees. If she met his eyes in that moment, she would fall back into tears. It didn't matter how desperately she wanted to avoid it. She was his wife… If anyone was giving him children, it was supposed to be her. But even as that thought plagued her, Addison reminded herself that she wasn't his wife anymore. At least, not for much longer. And so she simply sat huddled into a ball, searching desperately to find a way to act okay. "Addie," tried Derek again, his voice tentative as he crossed back over to the bed. With the words finally spoken, he felt as if some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and he now knew nothing but concern for the crumpled woman in front of him. However, his request had forced them apart, and he found himself brimming with boundless uncertainty. Staring at her helplessly, Derek layed a tentative hand on her shoulder. She trembled noticeably at his touch, and Derek shook his head, yearning for a way to make this hurt her less, so that it no longer seemed as if he were ripping her apart. But his hand had rested on her shoulder for barely an instant before Addison flew away as if he had burned her.

She scooted forward without explanation, climbing down from the bed and kicking off her heels as she strode the few steps into their small kitchen. Derek watched her as she opened cabinets--apparently at random--peering up into the dark space of the shelves above her. "What are you doing?" he finally called as she hoisted herself up onto the counter; long arm stretching fully to grasp a bottle resting on the very back of the top shelf. Her fingers wrapped around the cool glass, and she slid down to the ground in one fluid motion.

"Having a drink," she said simply. Addison didn't look at him, didn't even bother with fetching a glass. She just raised the bottle to her lips, tipping her head back slightly as she poured the scotch straight into her mouth, letting it burn a trail down her throat. "My marriage is over," she muttered as she straightened up and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. "I'm having a drink." She took another long pull from the bottle, grimacing at the taste this time. After a moment, she set it absently down on the counter, not bothering to recap it. She turned back towards Derek, staggering slightly from the sudden rush of alcohol. But she soon steadied herself, and strode back towards him. The brief interlude in the kitchen seemed to have strengthened her somehow; she no longer looked so completely crumpled as she stood in front of him.

"Addison?" he questioned as she folded her arms over her chest, surveying him with a look that fell just shy of a glare.

"Would this be happening if she weren't pregnant?" she asked by way of reply. There was something both accusing and demanding to her question, and, this time, it was Derek who looked away first.

He groaned and shook his head. "Addison, she _is_ pregnant. There's no way to know…it is what it is." His reply was meant to soothe her and keep her away from what he was starting to realize as the truth, however, it simply angered her. Her pale blue eyes turned dark and frustrated, and she shook her head, her voice rising.

"No, there is a way to know," she snapped. "Don't give me that crap, Derek. After everything you've done, just…don't. If there were no baby…?" She shook her head, staring straight into him until he finally complied and raised his eyes to meet hers. "Are you leaving for the child, or are you leaving for her?"

He spoke before he fully realized his lips were moving; the answer coming simply and easily when goaded, blossoming into something undeniable. "For her." Addison's breath was a sharp hiss that whistled past her lips, and she blinked at him, unable to come up with any sort of reply. Derek shrugged and shook his head, doing his best to find an explanation to give her. "It would be different. I know it would be different if she weren't pregnant, but it would also be the same. Maybe it would've taken longer, maybe…" He trailed off, shrugging once again. She was nodding her head, her lips drawn into a thin line. Part of her didn't want to listen, didn't want to hear him talk about Meredith. But the other half of her was paying careful attention. Whether she hoped to find solace in his words, or she simply thought the night wouldn't be complete without him placing one last barb in her heart, she didn't know. All she knew was that she had asked, had pressed the issue, and was now listening with rapt attention even as she tried to ignore the way his eyes were lighting up. "I don't know," continued Derek quietly, running his hand through his hair once more. "It would've happened eventually though. In some way… Addison, I just know that I love her. I fell in love with her, and I have no idea how I'd even start…falling out."

She nodded, looking away and forcing herself to just breathe, to not care that her husband loved another woman. Despite the fact that she had seen the way they looked at each other, had seen them together when Meredith was sick, it was a whole other reality to hear the words spoken aloud. "Fair enough," she managed at last, her voice once again failing her as it turned into a small thin shadow of its normal tone. She frowned and pushed her hair out of her face, wishing she had the energy to be angry. It would be easier, to pick things up and hurl them about wildly, only narrowly missing his head. To let her pain out in the sound of an anguished scream. A wry smile flickered at the corners of her mouth as she thought of how easy it would be to scream if the due date were just a month or so later than it was. Screaming would come naturally. While it would hurt in an entirely different sort of way, at least then she could be angry. She could hate her husband, and use her outrage to walk away relatively unscathed. But Addison could count, and had, finding that the days ticked clearly back past her arrival in Seattle. In a way, being robbed of the ability to hate either Derek or Meredith, she felt left with only herself to blame. And so Addison couldn't find it in herself to yell. She could only stand there--feeling like a bitter broken shell of herself--and utterly unable to think of anything to say.

Finally, Derek broke the silence. Reaching out for her hand, he pulled her forward easily to sit beside him on the bed. "I'm gonna miss you, Addie," he said quietly.

"No, you're not," she replied, the broken sound of her laughter once again filling the air. "You'll have Meredith, and soon, you'll have your baby too."

"I know," he agreed, his eyes lighting up again at the mention of them. But, after a moment, he shook his head; wanting her to see that the past eleven years hadn't simply become meaningless to him. "I know, but that doesn't mean I can't miss…" He trailed off, searching her face for a sign of understanding.

And she gave it to him as she nodded, finishing his sentence for him. "What we used to have."

He nodded his head, smiling at the memory of the way they were before. "Yeah…"

Addison sighed as she thought back over how long it had truly been since they'd been the them that was worth missing and worth remembering. If she pushed back the fine layer of denial that had hung over her marriage, the fact that it had been _years _was glaringly obvious. "Derek," she said at last, her voice filled with muted grief. "That's been gone for a long time. We've never been able to get it back. And even if we could…it wouldn't fit anymore. We've changed too much."

"We have," he agreed quietly. Derek scooted back on the bed as he spoke, turning so that he was facing her. Even though he smiled, his eyes were unmistakably sad, and he reached out, gathering both of her hands in his. "You're still as amazing as always though," he continued as she instinctively rolled her eyes and looked away. But Derek pressed on; squeezing her hands tightly as his voice swelled with awe and gratitude. "You saved my child." Addison simply stared resolutely at the wall, and so he leaned forward--two fingers pressing against her chin to direct her gaze back towards him. "Addison…" he implored as she started to close her eyes. With a resigned sigh, she let them flutter back open, pale blue orbs fixating on his familiar face. "I can't ever thank you enough for taking care of them," he continued earnestly, wanting her to understand just how much what she had done meant to him.

But Addison just shrugged and shook her head. "My job, Derek," she said tightly.

"I know," he agreed, suddenly sensing that the topic of being Meredith's doctor was even harder for her than he had expected. "I know," he soothed. "But it's not…it wasn't fair." She nodded slightly at that; his acknowledgement of what she'd been feeling helping a little to soothe the hurt. Derek squeezed her hand even tighter, his thumb grazing gently along the lines of her palm, as he added, "And, I'm sorry."

Addison nodded again, looking away. However, after a moment, her eyes flickered back to his face, deciding to use the opening he'd created to broach the issue of Meredith and her pregnancy. "Um…" she began cautiously, and Derek gave an attentive nod of his head. "After Meredith… After she's discharged, she needs to switch from her doctor to a specialist…just in case." Derek nodded again as Addison's voice quickly escalated from its relatively calm beginnings into something that sounded close to frantic. "But, it can't be me, Derek," she said, shaking her head sharply. "It just…it can't. I'm sorry, but I can't be the one to deliver that baby…"

"Okay," he agreed immediately, rather surprised that she seemed to think he'd suggest putting her through that if he had other options. "Okay," he repeated. "We'll go to…" But Addison spoke up again, unsure of what to say, but suddenly finding silence painful.

"I guess I should, we…one of us should call the lawyer's tomorrow." For a moment, Derek simply blinked in astonishment over the sudden change in topics. But that soon faded into an unimportant fact as he realized that she was trembling again, her voice a small stammered sound.

"I'll do it," he volunteered instantly, but Addison continued to talk uncertainly about settlements and the division of who they'd been. She desperately wanted to stop; she was barely conscious of the words coming out of her mouth anyway. But, she knew if she did, they would finally be at the end. Everything had been said, and they would be over. And she wasn't sure how she was going to handle that. A large portion of her felt numb, but there was one small remaining sliver within her that was filled with life. She was struggling desperately to repress it because that sliver yearned to burst into a fit of tears that begged Derek to stay. She wasn't sure how she was going to live without him. To live finally, completely without him for the rest of her life. And that small sliver of herself that she hadn't yet managed to seal shut was terrified of even trying. It was begging her to cry and cling to Derek, to find a way to make him stay. But, Addison refused to let herself be that weak--to spill all that she had left out on the table. There was no point in trying. The numb part of her, the part of her that wasn't brimming with desperation knew that, even if she did, it wouldn't be enough. Derek wouldn't stay, and she knew that no part of her--the numb or the living--could handle such a final blatant rejection. And so Addison kept talking; fighting with herself through a string of garbled sentences about boxes of their stuff that still remained in New York.

"It's okay Addie," said Derek at last, his voice firm, almost commanding. She fell silent at the sound, blinking helplessly as she stared at him. "_You're _going to be okay," he continued with the same conviction he had used when he stated his love for Meredith. "You are."

Addison just shook her head, suddenly sighing. "We're not Derek and Addison anymore," she said shakily. Somehow, those words blended everything she had been repressing into a single strand and gave it voice. Derek's eyes locked with hers in a moment of understanding, and he leaned forward, his forehead coming to rest against hers.

"I know," he breathed softly, raising his hand to her cheek as he pulled back to look at her.

Her voice was small and sad. "But you'll be happy."

"So will you," he replied fiercely; as if he had a bottomless well of confidence in her. And, in the back of her mind, Addison found herself believing him.

Silence loomed once more as they stared at each other; both realizing that they stood toe to toe with the end of them. And they stared at each other for a long time before leaning forward, their lips coming to meet in the middle of the space between them. Their last kiss was soft and bittersweet; devoid of the passion that used to have them kissing with open mouths, teeth scraping for something to pull on as their tongues wrestled for dominance. Now, there was only something final, something sad to mark the ending of the dream that they had shared when they were young. They tasted each other for the last time with dying slowness, and finally pulled away.

And as they looked at each other, exchanging faded remnants of a smile, the word came simultaneously to their lips.

"Goodbye."

-----

_So…Derek and Addison are over. They are finally, finally over. And it was hard and painful for them to end their marriage because, even though Derek wants desperately to be with Meredith, he's ending his marriage without the additional time he spent in it on the show, and he's doing so without the added catalyst of prom. And, his wife just saved his child and took care of Meredith. He feels terribly in her debt, and so he doesn't know how to just come out and say it. It's difficult for him, and he doesn't want to hurt Addison because there was a time when he loved her very much. And, he still cares for her a lot, but it's no longer what they used to have, and it's no longer something that they can save. And so, he finally tells her that he wants a divorce. _

_And Addison, well…it's not exactly what she wanted to hear. She moved across the country to save her marriage because, despite everything that's happened, she still loves him. But, instead of repairing what they had, she gets to watch him start a family with the woman who effectively stole his heart and killed all chances of getting him back. And, that's hard. She runs through a whole host of emotions that she'd been bottling up over the past few days. Even while that's painful, it's something that she needs to get out to have the hope of moving on. And, in the end, it serves to bring her the first bare hint of closure. _

_But yeah, this chapter was very much their ending. Which, while sad, is a good thing. If you like Mer/Der…which I kinda assume you do, if you're reading a story about them. Heh… Anyway, thank you so much for reading! _


	22. Nowhere Warm

_So, um…hi. First of all, I'm sorry that updates have been a little bit slower than they were when I first started this story. I was on winter break then, and, now that at back in school, it's harder to write when I've already spent a good portion of the day in class and studying. So yeah, updates are a little bit slower. But, I'm still updating, so um…yay? Hopefully? Heh, anyway, thank you so much for the great reviews. I had an idea that people wouldn't be thrilled over the Addison/Derek kiss at the end. I'm sorry. But…it was very short, and now they're over and done with, and just…bye-bye to the Shepherds. So yes, it's all good now. Sorta…ish. Anyway, this chapter moves forward a teensy bit through time. There was the night where Derek asked for a divorce, and then there was a whole other day, and now there's this day, where the current chapter starts. So, not a large leap through time, but…we are occupying the super fancy, literary time machine once again. And yeah, that's about it for now. Enjoy!_

-----  
_I go nowhere high, go nowhere warm  
Until you're by my side, your hand in mine_  
-----

Meredith felt as if the world was spinning wildly around her, yet she was somehow stuck in place, barely moving. She could feel the pulse of the hospital; this living breathing beat of going and doing that flowed through everything and everyone save herself. A nurse kept flitting in and out of her room, bringing various bits and pieces of her discharge papers in and handing them to Izzie. Izzie was talking loudly about some problem of George's as she worked on finishing up Meredith's chart, but the words just seemed to be washing right past her. Cristina was in the room too, alternating between looking bored and disgusted as she scribbled through her own paperwork. Occasionally she would interject with some comment that Meredith was sure was both biting and sarcastic, but she didn't really hear those either. The most she was managing to do was shove the few things of her own that had accumulated over the past week into the bag Izzie had brought her from home. She was packing carelessly, but it didn't really matter. Nothing seemed to matter. She felt strangely numb. Meredith had a hunch that she was actually feeling a lot of things--a lot of scary painful things--but that they had gotten lost beneath this strange anesthetized shell she'd grown over the past few days. It had started with Addison telling her Derek's name wasn't on the OR board. That was odd, and it had just been this bizarre inkling at the back of her mind, but, when he hadn't come to her room that night as he had been doing, it started to grow. It was then this itchy uncertainty that had filled her with doubts. He hadn't shown up at all the next day either, and she'd asked Izzie for him only once. The request had garnered such an awkward stricken look from her, and filled the room with so many pathetic stammered excuses about surgeries…long surgeries, that she hadn't bothered to ask again. She hadn't seen him yet today either, and Meredith knew that if she thought about that with any more attention than she usually delegated to, say…the automatic function of breathing in and out, it would send her into a blind panic.

And so somehow, her body had found a way to go numb. It felt almost like some sort of survival instinct. Stress was bad for the baby; that fact had been drilled into her often enough over the past few days. She had to stay calm. Besides, at this point, Meredith was also pretty sure it was bad for her sanity. She wanted to think that it wasn't like Derek to simply stop coming to see her like that, but she no longer felt certain. The thought that maybe something had happened to him had passed through her mind briefly, but it had vanished with the reappearance of Addison that morning. If his wife was there and walking around like normal, then everything had to be fine. She would've been the first told if anything wasn't. As much as it hurt to think that Derek was ignoring her, the alternative--that something had happened to him--was infinitely worse. And so, Meredith was grateful for the persistent nagging feeling in the back of her mind that told her he was fine. It left her with a hunch that she was supposed to have picked up on something. She hadn't bothered to explain it to her friends. She knew they wouldn't understand, but her mind kept replaying the look he had given her the last time he'd seen her. It had been layered; meant to explain just what he had remembered that sent him from her room so quickly. But Meredith couldn't figure out what that was. The fact that Derek had been insufferably cryptic only served to enhance her bad mood. It was just one more thing lurking beneath the calm layer she had spread over herself; creating a controlled yet vacant outward appearance.

"Meredith?" The sound of Izzie's questioning voice pierced her thoughts, and she looked up from the open bag in front of her, frowning softly. "Mer?"

"Umm…" she answered slowly, trying to guess what her friends had been talking about while she'd zoned out. "I need new clothes," she muttered at last, simply settling for addressing her own annoyance over the clothes she'd changed back into. She glared down at the jeans that no longer came close to buttoning, and the strained fabric of what had been one of her favorite shirts. Figuring that she was probably ruining its shape permanently with her stomach, she tried to adjust it, but didn't accomplish much.

Izzie's smile suddenly turned excited, and she nodded her head. "We can go shopping," she declared delightedly. Meredith just raised an eyebrow, yanking hard on her bag's zipper, pulling it shut. "Actually, you have two weeks off. You could go shopping every day if you want." She sounded absolutely delighted over the idea, and sighed wistfully as she returned her attention to the stack of papers in her lap.

"I could," agreed Meredith dryly, rolling her eyes.

"I mean, two weeks Mer," continued Izzie, unable to keep her mind on her work. "Do you realize how much free time that is?"

Meredith just shoved her bag off the bed, feeling oddly satisfied as it landed on the floor with a heavy thump. "Please, don't remind me," she muttered.

"Seriously?" Izzie raised her eyebrows, tilting her head to the side as she shot her friend a quizzical look. "I would _kill _for two weeks off." Meredith let out a slight empty laugh as she shrugged her shoulders, already dreading the prospect of spending the next two weeks sitting alone in her house.

"Oh please," said Cristina, rolling her eyes as she caught sight of Meredith's expression. "At least you don't have to spend two weeks with only the freaking three musketeers around here for company." Izzie let out a noise of disagreement, and Meredith's mouth drew quickly into an amused smirk.

"Right," she said slowly, nodding her head. "Because you'd rather have two weeks without surgery." Cristina hesitated, seeming momentarily stumped by the statement. But, after a second, she shrugged and kicked her feet up onto the bed.

"You're right," she admitted. "Yours sucks more. Congratulations."

"Thanks," muttered Meredith dully as she glanced down and tugged hopefully on her hospital ID bracelet. "Izzie, are you almost done with those?" she asked, leaning forward to peer at the discharge papers.

Izzie nodded, standing up and walking over towards the bed. "Um yeah," she said absently, skimming them one last time. "You just need to sign there, and fill in…" She trailed off, suddenly looking up and catching a glimpse of Meredith's amused expression. "Right. Never mind. You know how these things work." She handed the forms over, skipping the rest of her usual explanation about how to complete them. Meredith just nodded, clicking the pen against her palm before leaning forward and scrawling her signature quickly across the required lines.

"Done," she said barely a minute later, shuffling the papers into a neat pile and handing them back. Shifting uneasily, she swung her legs over the bed. "Can I go yet, then?" she asked anxiously. "Or does Addison have to come back…?" She pushed herself to her feet, eyeing the door apprehensively.

Izzie shook her head. "No, Addison's not even here," she said as Meredith sunk back down with a sigh of relief. She had been dreading seeing Addison for a second time that day. Her visit in the morning, brief as it had been, had also been unbearably strained. The other woman had seemed tense and exhausted as she rushed her way through the usual questions, her voice hard and pointed. Addison had avoided her eyes, but in the few moments they had met, Meredith had found herself staring into pale, almost haunted, pools of blue. It had been unnerving, and she had collapsed gratefully back onto the bed when Addison had left. The last thing she wanted was to go through that a second time.

"She's not?" she asked, hoping that she hadn't misheard Izzie.

"Nope." Izzie frowned as she adjusted her ponytail. "She said she had some sort of important meeting today, and that you were good to go, and I could just send you home once I got everything ready."

"Oh," said Meredith, nodding her head.

"Yeah. She was a total McBitch about it though," continued Izzie, letting out a derisive snort at the memory. "All bitter and angry. I think she's still mad about the sex thing." She stopped short as if her words had choked her, freezing in place as both her eyes and Cristina's swung straight towards Meredith. They were eyeing her uncertainly, with Cristina pausing to glare at Izzie, and Izzie reciprocating with a shrug that was both defensive and apologetic.

Meredith swallowed hard, doing her best to ignore the reference to Derek despite the fact that the back of her mind was screaming at her. At last, she managed a bland shrug, and leaned forward to pull her coat on. As she did, she caught her two friends exchanging yet another look. She couldn't quite interpret if it was filled with relief or surprise or something else entirely, but it clearly referenced some outside conversation she knew nothing of. It left her confused and uneasy, and Meredith felt a little bit of her outward control slipping away. "What?" she asked at last, her voice coming out hard and accusing.

"Nothing," said Izzie immediately. "We didn't even say anything."

"I know you didn't say anything," Meredith snapped back, letting out an annoyed sigh as she shoved her bangs out of her eyes. "There was a look."

"Nope. No look," continued Izzie unconvincingly, her voice growing thin. "You're imaging things." She glared at Cristina expectantly, clearly demanding help.

"Um…yeah," she agreed with a shrug. "Sure. No look. Stop being paranoid, Mer." But her words fell flat, filled with what Meredith knew was concern. Feeling completely confused, Meredith shook her head, her nails digging hard into the soft skin of her palms.

"Where's Derek?" she asked at last, her voice shaky as she gave in, and addressed the one thing she had been trying to ignore. Only her question was followed by an awkward silence, Cristina and Izzie's eyes once again meeting in a look that was full of hesitancy. It sent chills running through her, and Meredith shook her head harder this time, disbelievingly. "What?" she stammered, glancing back and forth between her friends. "Is something wrong? That was a weird look." Raising a hand, she gestured at their still silent faces. "That was a bad, very bad look," she continued, her voice rising as her eyes darkened with unease. Izzie turned back to Cristina, who nodded imperceptibly, clearing her throat.

"Look Mer," she began, sitting down on the bed beside her friend. Her voice was uncharacteristically gentle, and Meredith wrapped her arms tight around her chest, forgetting to breathe as a thousand horrible possibilities she hadn't even considered before started to race wildly through her mind. "It's nothing to freak out about, but he's not here. His name's not on the board."

"It wasn't there yesterday either," volunteered Izzie, looking as confused as Meredith felt.

"Or the day before," she heard herself add, her voice a soft whisper.

"What? Seriously?" asked Cristina, and Meredith nodded her head.

"Addison told me," she said, and as she spoke, something disconcerting clicked into place in her mind. "And now she's not here either." The words sounded dull and heavy, and Meredith stared blankly at the floor. She wanted to add the two together and come up with something that spelled divorce, but she felt curiously robbed of all of her previous faith in that possibility. And so she just shook her head, trying to force herself back into some numb semblance of normality.

"She had a meeting," offered Izzie hopefully. "So that doesn't mean anything."

Meredith shook her head again, not even absorbing Izzie's words. She turned to Cristina, staring desperately at her friend. "Aren't people surprised that the Head of Neurosurgery just isn't here? I mean, that's weird…right? That's not normal…" Her voice shook as she spoke, and she trailed off, her mind still spinning with dizzying speed through myriad explanations.

"They don't…" Cristina hesitated, hating the pained uncertainty she saw in Meredith's eyes. She frowned as she tried to cobble together the most calming reassuring version of the little she and Izzie knew. "People don't seem worried, so it's not anything bad Mer." Meredith nodded, her face still pale and strained. "He's being an ass though," she added bluntly, her own frustrations with the man seeping noticeably into her voice, and drawing a distant flicker of a smile to her friend's lips.

"I'm just…" she stammered out slowly, leaning forward to grab her bag back from the floor. She felt shaky and confused, as if she were once again being forced to fight the desire to burst into tears. Before she could finish her sentence, there was a knock on the door, and Meredith straightened up to find Richard stepping into the room.

"Hi Chief," greeted Izzie, moving quickly out of his way.

"Dr. Stevens," he replied. "Dr. Yang." He nodded his head at Cristina as well--who greeted him eagerly--before turning to smile warmly at Meredith. "Meredith, how're you holding up?" She didn't respond to his question, but simply remained staring down at her hands, still having to struggle to just stay calm.

"Um…Chief," said Cristina, interrupting the silence before it turned awkward. "Do you know where Dr. Shepherd is?" she asked, her dark eyes unprofessionally demanding. "His name isn't on the board."

"Of course it's not," agreed Richard, his voice remaining friendly as if he failed to notice the accumulated tension within the room. "He asked for a few days off for, ah…" he glanced down at Meredith's stomach, adding, "…personal reasons."

"He did?" echoed Meredith quietly, finally looking up from wringing her wrists together. Her eyes were wide and filled with sadness, but Richard just nodded.

"I assumed he wanted to take you home. Is he here? I want to…" But he trailed off abruptly as he finally registered the menacing, warning looks Meredith's friends were shooting him.

"He's not," said Cristina flatly, and the older man nodded, a scowl briefly darkening his eyes.

"Right," he continued after a moment. "Ah…well, I heard you were being discharged today. Just wanted to stop by and wish you well."

"Thanks Chief…" managed Meredith quietly, staring up at him. She felt as if she were finally slipping back towards the numbness that had kept her safe the past few days, and she welcomed it, her expression growing quiet and distant. The vague pain that lingered in her eyes seemed to unsettle Richard; he shifted uncertainly, peering back out the door into the hallway.

"It's Dr. Karev," he declared, spotting Alex at the far end of the hall, and beckoning him quickly into the room. Alex looked more than a little confused, but Richard was smiling proudly, as if he had created a suitable diversion to wipe the preceding awkwardness from memory. Alex shot Izzie a skeptical look, but she just grimaced and shrugged her shoulders.

"Uh…" he began at last, turning to look at Meredith. "You ready to go, Mer? Izzie said she'd page me when you were, but…"

"Excellent," interjected Richard, seizing the opportunity to head towards the door. "I'll leave you to it. Take care Meredith. You can sit down with Dr. Bailey and I when you get back, and we'll work out your schedule for the rest of your, ah…the next few months." Meredith just nodded, smiling blandly as the door closed behind him. The room was plunged into a sudden silence, all eyes turning towards Meredith who sat perfectly still, staring unseeingly at the closed door.

"Mer?" asked Cristina, but she got no answer.

"Um…" began Izzie at last, turning to Alex and addressing his earlier question. "Yeah, she's ready to go. Are you off yet?" He glanced down at his watch, nodding his head.

"In five minutes. I've got to drop off a chart, but then yeah."

"Okay," agreed Izzie, glancing back nervously at Meredith. "Go ahead, and…meet us in the lobby?" Alex nodded in agreement, and the brief interlude of normal conversation fell apart as he left the room. Izzie turned back to join Cristina in watching Meredith, their eyes identical reflections of concern. "Meredith?" she tried gently, placing a hand on her friend's arm. "Are you okay?"

Meredith let out a shaky sigh, pulling away and pushing herself heavily to her feet. "Yeah," she said flatly as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the door. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Derek's not here, but he said he had to do a thing. So, whatever. He didn't say it was a three day thing, but that's fine." Her voice trembled dangerously as it rose into a thin worried sound, and she swallowed hard, yanking the door back open. "I'm fine," she continued determinedly. "I'm perfectly fine, and the baby is feeling beyond fine, and so…I'm just gonna go." She barely made it two steps before Izzie and Cristina both had her by the arm, herding her back into the room and into the chair by the bed. "What are you doing?" she spluttered in annoyance, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be left alone. She didn't think she could bear to talk about Derek any longer, and she closed her eyes, steeling herself for the questions she was sure would follow. Izzie opened her mouth to speak, only to find Cristina silencing her with a fierce elbow to the ribs.

"You have to wait, Mer," said Cristina gently, able to sense just how poorly referencing Derek yet again would go over with Meredith at the moment. "They've got to wheel you out."

"Seriously?" she asked, rolling her eyes, and lashing out pointlessly at the idea. "I can walk, you know," she added bitterly.

Izzie nodded her head immediately. "We know," she agreed. "It's just…the nurses. Proper patient transport protocol is like their bible or something." She smiled hopefully at Meredith, but she just gave a resigned shrug.

"Fine," she muttered, glaring down at the bag in her lap. "You guys don't have to wait with me," she continued. "It'll probably take them forever to bring a chair around."

"Actually," said Izzie, her smile brightening. "We can take you ourselves. We just need to find one. Hold on, and we'll be right back, okay?" Meredith only nodded, her head falling forward to rest in her hand as they left the room. Doing her best to shut down the screaming pain inside her mind, she forced herself to concentrate on nothing beyond breathing in and out. Her free hand clutched her stomach as she tried to pretend that she didn't feel suddenly and completely alone. She sat like that until she heard Izzie and Cristina's voices, floating clearly towards her as they walked back down the hallway towards her room.

"No." Cristina was seething, her voice pulsing with thinly restrained anger. "I don't know who the hell Shepherd thinks he is, but he's a dead man. I swear, the next time I see him…"

Izzie laughed dryly. "Maybe you can slip when you're in surgery and he asks for a scalpel."

"Seriously," muttered Cristina. "If he thinks…" Her voice trailed off, replaced by the sound of a doorknob turning, and Meredith straightened up, doing her best to look normal despite the fact she couldn't remember what that felt like.

"We got you a chair," declared Izzie, her voice quickly losing the bitterness it had held in the hallway; growing resolutely cheerful for her friend as she gestured down at the wheelchair in front of them. Meredith just nodded, not saying anything as she shuffled forward and sat down.

The trip down to the parking lot was mostly silent. Nearly everyone they passed stopped and stared at her, but Meredith found she didn't even care about that. She felt too lost and confused to bother replying to her friends, let alone worry about what the nurses were saying. She wanted Derek desperately, and she couldn't figure out why he wasn't there, why he and Addison both weren't there. Some small dark sliver in the back of her mind laughed cruelly as it suggested he had changed his mind about wanting to be with her, and was out celebrating the decision with his wife. She moaned at the thought, burying her face in her hands, and promising herself that he had a perfectly good explanation. She just hadn't heard it yet.

She could feel the apprehension radiating from her friends, and caught the looks the three of them exchanged as they passed her off to Alex. But Meredith didn't say anything. She simply nodded in response as they told her to be as lazy as she wanted, Izzie filling her in about the large batch of muffins waiting for her in the kitchen, and promising to come straight home from work to keep her company. But at last, they'd hurried back into the hospital, leaving Meredith alone with Alex. Reaching down, he silently helped her to her feet. Meredith found herself feeling more tired than she'd expected, and she leaned heavily into him as he walked her the remaining few steps to his car.

"You don't have to take me home," she said at last, her voice quiet as he slipped into the driver's seat. "You were on-call all night, and it's out of your way. I can just drive my car back…" Alex took one look at her, and the exhaustion that still hadn't quite vanished from her features, and started the car. "Alex…"

"Meredith," he interrupted, his voice firm yet lacking its usual characteristic annoyance. "Yeah, I do." Knowing that arguing with him would be pointless, Meredith settled back in the seat, and turned her face towards the window. He didn't try to make her talk, and Meredith found herself grateful for the silence that filled the car. It was a short drive from the hospital to her house, and, before long, he had helped her inside and settled her down on the couch. Meredith had flipped through half the channels on the TV before she realized that Alex hadn't left. She set the remote down--the loud sounds of a reality show filling the room--and got to her feet, walking down the hall and into the kitchen. She found him there, leaning against the center island, and biting into one of Izzie's muffins as he skimmed over the paper.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her expression puzzled as she crossed over to him.

He looked up immediately, setting down the muffin. "You need something Mer?"

"Don't you have your own apartment?" she asked by way of reply. Alex shrugged, glancing quickly down at the paper before looking back up, and the realization dawned on her. "You're babysitting me," she said incredulously. "Did Izzie put you up to this?"

Alex shrugged again, a brief grin flashing across his face. "I'm just here for the muffins," he said around a mouthful of one. Meredith rolled her eyes, folding her arms over her stomach.

"I'm fine," she snapped. "I'm not on bed rest. I can take care of myself."

"I know," he agreed, despite the fact that he had his own doubts about just how much she should be up and doing things. "Just thought you might like some company since Shepherd's being an ass again," he added flatly, not even bothering to hide his disapproval or dance around the subject in the slightest. Meredith blinked in surprise, momentarily taken back by the bluntness with which he brought up Derek.

"I don't want to talk about him," she said, sinking into a seat at the table and staring stubbornly at Alex across the kitchen.

"Good." He glanced up, smirking at her. "I don't speak girl talk," he joked. But after a moment, his expression grew solemn, and he added, "You could though. If you wanted to." Meredith just sighed and shook her head, shredding one of the paper napkins that had been laying in front of her on the table. They sat in silence; Alex working his way through both the newspaper and the muffin basket as Meredith ensured the napkin was thoroughly destroyed. But, at last, she looked back up, eyeing him warily.

"You really want to stay?" she asked softly, almost skeptically.

"I _am _staying," he corrected.

Meredith just shook her head. "But…why? I'm bound to be bitter and mean the whole time."

Alex shrugged, turning away to carefully study the muffin he was holding. "I don't have a sister," he said quietly, not meeting her eyes.

"You don't have a sister?" she echoed, frowning slightly in confusion.

"No," he agreed, suddenly looking back up. "And that's a good thing. Who wants to grow up with some whiny little girl who breaks your toys and complains all the time?"

"Umm…" began Meredith as Alex hesitated for a moment, looking almost embarrassed. But he shook his head, cutting her off. "I don't have a sister, but I've got you. And, as far as I can tell, it's practically the same thing. So, I'm staying Mer. Go ahead and be as mean and bitter as you need to be. You'll just be making up for all the toys you never got to break as a kid."

Meredith stared at him, slowly nodding her head. "Okay," she agreed, her voice soft and almost grateful sounding as a genuine smile finally flickered cautiously across her face. Alex nodded, his mouth already full of another bite of muffin. She sat there uncertainly for a moment before clearing her throat, and getting back up. "Want to come watch stupid people with me then?" she asked, referencing the loud shouts and laughter of the reality show contestants that were permeating the kitchen.

Alex folded the newspaper back up, and got to his feet as well. "Sure," he agreed simply, turning to secure the muffin basket under his arm before following Meredith out of the room, and over to the couch.

-----

Derek sat in his car, staring blankly out at the inky night surrounding him. Rain was pouring down from the sky in great sheets that drummed against the windshield and glinted slightly silvery when they were intercepted by the pool of lamplight that struggled brightly against the darkness. Sighing heavily, he leaned forward, his head coming to rest against the steering wheel. He felt physically exhausted; drained from the sheer effort of getting through the past two days. After making countless phone calls to their old lawyer in Manhattan, getting their affairs transferred to a new office in Seattle, and spending the entire day in a stuffy leather-bound room going over the divorce settlement…it was finished. Everything that he and Addison had once shared had been separated and split into two. It would take a few weeks for the papers to finalize, but there was nothing left for them to do. As far as Derek was concerned, it was done. It was over. It was _finally _over. He sighed again as he straightened up, disheveling his hair by running a hand carelessly through the dark strands. He wanted to be happy, to feel relieved and drive back to the hospital to see Meredith. He could tell that that elation lingered just beyond his grasp; tantalizing him horridly. It was held off by the memory of Addison's face, which swam persistently to the forefront of his mind. She had pulled herself together over the past day or so, but it wasn't into anything recognizable. Her voice had barely risen above a frail whisper the entire time they met with the lawyer, her eyes seemingly rimmed with unspilt tears. It wasn't Addison staring back at him from across the wide and polished table--not really--and he hated that he'd apparently pulled her so far from her true self.

Derek groaned and shook his head; finding no solace, no absolution in the confines of his car. A strange heaviness seemed to hang over him, making it difficult to even breathe. Without giving it much thought, Derek grabbed his keys and opened the door, stepping out of the car. He gasped at the sudden burst of cold, and was close to soaking before he'd even clicked the button to lock the doors, but he didn't care. Slipping the keys into his pocket, he tilted his head back, letting the raindrops pelt his face and run into his eyes as he stared at the blackened stormy sky. Straightening up, Derek turned the collar of his leather jacket up, and walked across the long expanse of the parking lot outside the lawyer's office. He knew he needed to clear his head, to move past the guilt that was gnawing at him, and a walk seemed the best way to do that. He didn't care that it was raining. If anything, it only improved the atmosphere; serving as a pretty metaphor for his own inner turmoil. And so Derek followed his feet, paying no mind to direction, but simply moving through the rain out of the parking lot and onto a lamp lit residential street.

Derek wasn't sure how long he walked. It was just a continual trudging pace of one foot in front of the other, his mind persistently dark and brooding. But finally, the angry fog hanging over his thoughts started to lessen slightly and fade away. There was something purifying about the rain. It wasn't the perfect absolution he was yearning for, but it was something. Water was fresh and cleansing, working away at the murky hold the divorce had on his mind. Freeing him enough to realize that the important thing wasn't supposed to be his own pain. It was supposed to be Meredith. He struggled to read his watch, but couldn't make it out through the veil of rain surrounding him. Turning his back to the wind, Derek pulled his phone out of his pocket and read the illuminated numbers clearly glowing _9:42 _before quickly slipping it back out of the wrath of the rain. Cursing at the time--knowing he'd have to fight the nurses to get in to see her so late--he doubled his pace towards the street corner, realizing he had no idea where he'd walked to, especially not when the darkness of the storm served to nearly blind him from his surroundings. But before he had made it halfway down the street, he froze in place, a cold horrid feeling washing over him as a scene from that morning played back in his mind.

_He sat in one of the large leather chairs in the lawyer's office, head bent forward as he stared at the papers, the lawyer's voice plaguing his ears; an incessant droning about divisions of assets. Derek just nodded, mumbling a nondescript response as he once again checked his watch. There was still a good hour left before Addison was supposed to arrive, and he sighed impatiently, turning to urge the lawyer on with the paperwork. The need to be done with this, to put his marriage behind him, felt overpowering. Just as Derek was turning to pointlessly check his watch yet again, a door opened, and he looked up to see the secretary letting Addison into the room. _

_She stood awkwardly just beyond the doorway, her expression blank and unsmiling. "You're here early," said Derek by way of greeting. Addison simply nodded, walking over to sit down across from him at the table. _

"_Um yes," she agreed quietly before turning to reciprocate the lawyer's greeting, a slight smile brightening the corner of her mouth as she accepted his offer of coffee._

"_I thought you said you had some patients," continued Derek, grasping at something to fill the awkward silence that had bloomed when the lawyer left--excusing himself to fetch the secretary back for coffee. Addison just shrugged, glancing down at the smooth surface of the table and the sight of her own hands spread flat in front of her. They were curiously bare; naked in a way she hadn't truly known since well before her wedding night. _

"_I did," she agreed in a faint voice, shivering slightly as she realized Derek was staring at her hands as well, having caught on to her apparent fascination with them. He looked back up as she spoke, and their eyes met uneasily. "I…um…" stammered Addison, shaking her head. "That's done now. I'm having Stevens send her home." Her voice twisted strangely on the word 'her.' It was something unsettling; sounding suddenly pained and close to breaking. But as she spoke, the lawyer returned, sliding back into his own seat with a promise of coffee arriving shortly._

"_Right. Good," said Derek, the significance of what she'd said slipping past him--lost beneath his own desire to finally do what he felt he should've done a long time ago, and end his marriage. Gesturing towards the papers, he offered Addison a quick flash of a smile. "Well, you're here now. We might as well get going." _

Derek cursed again, groaning inwardly at the memory. The strained note that had filled Addison's voice as she spoke of her patient, the way her eyes had darkened as her lips disappeared into a thin line, the way she'd seemed almost puzzled by his lack of response; it all added up now with perfect, blatant clarity. It was Meredith. She'd been talking about Meredith. Derek pushed the soaking strands of his hair out of his eyes, suddenly feeling worse than he had at any point prior to watching helplessly as Meredith slid to the floor. She was at home. Right now, she was at her house, and he had let her go ahead and return there on her own. Derek groaned again, doubling his pace to the street corner, not even wanting to consider what she was thinking.

Blinking angrily, he struggled to make out the name on the street sign; fighting the rain and the darkness of the night to gain some idea of where he was. The rain was falling like sheets in front of him, but, after a few minutes of trying, Derek finally made out the printed forms of the letters. And as he did, he found himself filled with a sudden lightness, a sudden relief. He knew that street sign, knew it intimately. He'd driven down the very road he was standing on countless time months before, back when he had been dating Meredith. It was the cross street to her house, and as Derek glanced hopefully around him, the familiarity of his surroundings leapt out at him. Now that he knew where he was, the storm no longer acted as an obscuring veil between him and his world. The houses, the yards, even the quietness of the neighborhood…it all felt familiar. Shaking his head, Derek pivoted sharply, and started hurrying down the block that he knew lead to Meredith's home.

Derek's initial reaction was to marvel inwardly at the dumb luck that had left him within minutes of where Meredith lived. But as he made his way through the rain, coming at last to the looming sight of her house before him--the windows glowing resolutely against the dark night--he couldn't help but think that maybe it wasn't entirely dumb luck. The rational part of his mind instantly labeled the thought foolish, but the building was shining like a beacon in front of him, and Derek felt as if his feet had led him back to Meredith. Even when he had missed Addison's obvious hints, even when he had walked blindly and aimlessly, something small buried within his subconscious had known where Meredith was. And, it had brought him to her.

-----

Meredith sat on her couch, nestled amongst a sea of pillows and blankets Izzie had arranged for her, flicking absently through the channels on the television. Most of the time, she flicked from screen to screen too quickly to pick up on anything beyond a brief burst of color and sound. She didn't see the point in lingering on a specific show. Even when she purposely tried to watch, she couldn't bring herself to care about the drama unfolding in front of her. She had given up completely, and was now simply changing the channels to have something to do. Alex had gone home a few hours earlier, and Izzie and George had kept her company for awhile, but had disappeared upstairs to try and solve some sort of computer problem Izzie was having. She could hear the voices floating down the stairs--loud and filled with their usual bickering--and she smiled sadly, turning the TV off with a decided press of her thumb. Leaning forward, she picked up one of the remaining muffins from where it lingered at the bottom of the basket. She brought it closer, frowning down at its slightly glistening surface, before letting it fall back into the basket with a soft plop. She had eaten nothing save muffins since returning home, and the thought of consuming yet another one suddenly left her feeling vaguely ill.

Meredith groaned and looked around for something to distract her. She hated the way she felt…listless, and lingering at the border of overwhelmed, continually needing to occupy herself to keep from curling up into a ball and crying over Derek. But the only thing her eyes landed on was her phone--laying innocently on the table in front of her. Cursing at her own inability to keep from leaning forward and picking it up, she flipped quickly through her phonebook, frowning as the small screen soon glowed with Derek's name and number. Her fingertips brushed hopefully over the call button, but Meredith bit her lip hard, managing to hold off on actually sending the call. Part of her wanted to, wanted to _desperately_, however, she didn't really see the point. Reality was pretty simple. If Derek truly cared, he wouldn't have vanished. He would've driven her home from the hospital, and would be on the couch next to her, distracting her from her aching back and the fact that she felt sick from too many muffins. But the seat beside her was empty, the cushion perfectly vacant and free of even the slightest indent to indicate a presence of someone beyond herself. And so finally, Meredith set the phone back down, sliding it across the smooth surface of the table, far away from her. She got to her feet, unable to stay in the same room as her phone without acknowledging that, secretly, she was dreading that if she did call Derek, he just wouldn't answer.

She shuffled into the kitchen, turning to open the fridge and various cabinets, her eyes traveling aimlessly over the stocked shelves. She found nothing of interest there, but she hadn't expected to. Meredith was unable to think of a single edible thing that currently sounded appetizing, and so she let the fridge slam shut, turning to lean against the center island. Moaning heavily, she rested her head and the majority of her weight on the flat countertop; easing the pain in her back as she fought off a sudden stronger wave of sadness. Her eyes were prickling dangerously with the tears that had been threatening her all day, and Meredith lost track of how long she stood like that, struggling to keep from just crying out for him.

But at last, the heavy silence of her thoughts was pierced by the clear ringing of the doorbell. She lifted her bowed head at the sound, blinking back tears as she listened for either George or Izzie to come down the stairs. However, the house remained eerily silent. Meredith thought briefly of calling for one of them, her mind still filled with their earnest insistences that she get them for anything and everything she might need. But she soon laughed the idea off, realizing that she would have to walk past the door anyway just to call to them from the foot of the stairs. And so, with a heavy sigh, she pushed herself away from the counter, wincing slightly. "Yeah…just make the fat pregnant girl get the door," she muttered to herself, pulling the back of her arm across her eyes to dry them. "Nice roommates." But she smiled slightly, knowing they would probably scold her for doing even this on her own. She picked up her wallet as she made her way over to the door--figuring that George and Izzie had ordered food--but as she finally pulled it open, the wallet slipped through her fingers to fall to the ground with a heavy thud.

It was Derek.

Meredith wasn't even sure if she was remembering to breathe. It seemed unimportant because there he was, standing in front of her. "Derek…" she whispered uncertainly, her eyes traveling over his waterlogged clothes as the sound of the rain rushed forward to fill the foyer. His hair was drenched, falling in slick dark curls that spilled unkempt across his forehead. Meredith's fingers itched to reach up and smooth them away from his eyes, but she kept her hands at her sides, clutching resolutely at the fabric of her sweatpants.

"Mer," he said softly, and her gaze flitted to his eyes as he spoke. She couldn't quite make out the expression that lingered there, but it was a raw jumble of emotions that made her heart hurt. He seemed to be filled with a leaden sadness; something broken and exhausted. Part of her wanted to be angry; to slam the door in his face as a consequence of what she had felt the entire day. But it was Derek, and so…she couldn't. Putting up new walls between them would hurt infinitely worse than dealing with the ones that already existed. And so finally, slowly, Meredith nodded her head, pushing the door open a little more.

Derek was staring at her as if entranced; the warm light of the hallway lit her from behind, surrounding her so that she nearly glowed ethereally. Her hair was golden and messy, a bright contrast to the sudden storminess in her eyes. He knew she was angry, but Derek could only sigh, feeling grateful to simply see her again. Her left hand was resting against her stomach, but suddenly she stretched out her right to him, palm upturned, almost like an offering. Derek's arm responded instinctively, swinging forward so that he clasped her small hand in his. Wordlessly, Meredith tugged on it, pulling him inside and out of the rain. And as she did, Derek felt the residue of pain and guilt that the rain had failed to wash away finally lift from him. Feeling the warm softness of her fingers threaded closely with his own, Derek realized that the complete vanishing of his agony over the hours he had spent at the lawyer's was entirely due to Meredith.

She was his absolution. It was her. It always had been, and always would be. Somehow, she didn't even need to speak. She opened a door and let him in to a house, and, simple as that, she saved him.

-----

_Sooo…the divorce papers have been signed. Lawyers have been seen. Assets have been divided. Derek wanted very much to just go ahead with the divorce and let it be over now that he'd finally told Addison , that way he could go back to Meredith and be truly free to be with her, free to take her back home without having this guilt over his wife plaguing him. However, the physical and emotional effort of just charging through with all of this in a very short time leaves him to misjudge how Mer is doing, and think that she gets it, and will be okay for a day or so. Because really, there was only one full day in which he didn't see her. And old normal Mer probably would've been just fine with that. But now she's pregnant and uncertain, and still much more scared than she wants to admit, and even so, she tries very hard to act like she's fine with it. But she isn't. She's hurt and confused and just genuinely clueless over what is going on with Derek. And, the fact that he's not there when she goes home upsets her. Derek gets that it would when he realizes she's already at home. He was planning to be back there by then, just brimming with the news of signed divorce papers. However, things don't go quite as he planned in his mind, and this is worsened by the fact that Mer doesn't know what the hell he's doing._

_And so she just feels very numb and empty and sad as she struggles to do her best not to freak out. Because, now that she's been discharged, the last thing she wants to do is stress herself out enough to end up back in the hospital. She does have her friends taking care of her, and they're about as confused as she is, and much more furious. And Alex stays at her house because well, honestly I just love the Mer/Alex friendship and wanted to include it. Because someone needed to cheer her up a bit, and (at least in my mind) they deal with things in a way that is very compatible. And just…I love Alex. So yeah, he was there, and he did help a bit. But in the end, Mer was by herself again, and all she really wanted was Derek. More than wanted him, she needed the guy. And, he finally gets there just when she's finally starting to break down. Because, whether by luck or fate or whatever, even in the midst of his stupid Derek funk, some distant part of him seems to know where she is, and his feet lead him to her house. And Meredith takes him in out of the rain. And, that's something. They both need to be together because, not only has she been longing for him all day, but simply being near her helps ease some of the guilt that Derek was feeling. _

_And yeah, that's about it. The next chapter will pick up exactly where this one left off. And, it'll be pretty much entirely Mer/Der, to make up for the very little bit of them there's been the past few chapters. So yeah, that's about it. Thanks so much for reading!_


	23. Once I Loved

_So, lets see. New chapter. It's way too cold to even think about going outside today, so I stayed in where it's (sorta, kinda) nice and warm, and did a lot of writing. Which was fun, and brings us to this chapter. Anyway, this chapter picks up pretty much exactly where the last one left off, within a second or so… And, it's pretty much all Mer/Der for a change. Something the real show has apparently forgotten all about. (Grumble…grumble…grrr.) But yeah, what else? Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter. Hearing what you guys think is one of the best parts about writing this, so thanks for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it! And, that's about it for now. Enjoy! _

_-----  
Now I know that, no matter what ever befalls, I'll never let you go  
I will hold you close, make you stay  
Because love is the saddest thing when it goes away  
-----_

The door closed behind them, and Meredith shifted anxiously on the balls of her feet; unsure of what to say, of where to begin. Derek's hair was dripping slow drops of water that fell from the black strands to roll down his cheeks or collide with the slick wet surface of his leather coat. A small puddle had formed beneath his feet, tracking in the rain water. Without a word, Meredith turned and walked over to a basket of clean laundry someone had left at the foot of the stairs--she was guessing it was Izzie because she spotted a number of her own things which had undoubtedly been borrowed over the past week--and pulled a large white towel off the top of the load.

"Thanks," said Derek softly as she handed it to him. Meredith just nodded, watching as he dried himself from the rain. The toweling off of his damp hair made it wild, full of messy curls, and she found herself smiling slightly at the sight. Catching her smile, Derek returned it hopefully, and as he did, her own fell quickly from her lips. She glanced down at her feet, remaining silent. "I, uh…" Derek cleared his throat, setting the towel down and shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. Meredith nodded, but kept her eyes trained on the ground, not sure what to feel now that Derek was standing in her house. It had been months since he had last walked in her front door, and she could hear his uncertainty in the silence that surrounded them, coaxed on by her own inability to meet his eyes. "I thought you'd still be at the hospital," he said at last.

Meredith looked up, a small shaky hand pushing her bangs out of her eyes. "Your wife discharged me," she answered uneasily, her gaze traveling quickly across his face--trying to read him in a split second--before returning resolutely to the ground. She felt tense just referencing Addison, and she was gripping the banister with one hand, the knuckles nearly turning white. She barely heard her name the first time he called it. She heard it the second time, and managed an imperceptible nod of her head, but kept her gaze trained intently on the water-speckled floor.

"Meredith," tried Derek for a third time, and she found herself looking up. It had more to do with the gentle pressure of his hand fitting beneath her chin than any conscious decision of her own, but she gave in easily, raising her eyes to meet his. There was something fiercely earnest and sincere to his gaze, darkening the blue irises into a deep navy, and she shivered at the way he bored into her so easily. Meredith tilted her head slightly, trying not to give in to the soft brush of his skin against hers as his fingertips traced her jaw line, and sent shivers running through her. He wasn't even supposed to be here. He had a wife. "She's not my wife anymore," he continued as if he had heard her thoughts. She melted into the deep low sound of his voice--finally speaking words that she had longed to hear--and could only manage to blink in disbelief. Derek wasn't married anymore. Addison's mood now fit perfectly into place, and Meredith nodded slightly as things started to make sense.

Still, her voice was quiet and cautious as she spoke, as if she didn't dare to believe him completely. "You're not married?"

"No, I'm not," he agreed quickly, his hand still fitting around her face with a reassuring familiarity. "I spent the day at the lawyer's," he continued. "The papers are signed."

"Oh…" Meredith nodded more definitely this time, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. "That's…good, Derek," she said softly, unable to do anything other than stare up at him, temporarily forgetting how she had felt over the past few days as the dark blue of his eyes seemed to swallow her completely, pulling her into him. But the heavy heady silence that drew them closer and closer together was broken by the sound of a door opening upstairs, George's voice calling down to them.

"Hey Mer? Izzie wants to know if that was the doorbell."

Meredith extricated herself from Derek's arms, a frown quickly replacing her smile. "Umm," she began uncertainly, but was cut short as Izzie's voice floated down as well.

"Yeah Mer, who's at the door?" called Izzie, her footsteps echoing softly down the hallway overhead. "Did you order a pizza or something? Because I'm starving."

"No," answered Meredith, glancing awkwardly back at Derek. "No pizza."

"What are you doing up?" continued Izzie, her voice dropping to its normal tone as she started to descend the stairs and caught sight of Meredith at the bottom. "You didn't have to get up. Remember, we're here to be your slaves…" She trailed off as she caught sight of Derek leaning against the closed front door, stopping short on the stairs, and causing George to very nearly crash into her from behind. "Ouch," she hissed, glancing over her shoulder to frown at him as he reached out and steadied her, muttering an apology. "Try not to kill me George," she admonished before turning back around to survey the sight in the entranceway. "And uh…hi, Dr. Shepherd," she added as Derek nodded in response.

"Shepherd's here?" asked George, shuffling on the steps to see around Izzie. His expression darkened slightly, and he looked up at her, lowering his voice. "When did he…why is…when did he get here?"

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Well probably when the doorbell rang, genius."

"Oh…right," he agreed, once again peering around Izzie's shoulder down at Meredith and Derek. They were standing awkwardly a few feet apart, Meredith staring resolutely at the floor, her hand pressed against the small of her back. "Uh…we can just go right back upstairs," he offered, gesturing behind himself towards the second floor.

"Or actually," interjected Izzie, raising her eyebrows in Meredith's direction, trying to guess at what she wanted. "We can go far, far away. We can go to Joe's for a very long time."

George nodded in agreement. "We could sleep at Joe's. He has…booths."

Meredith shook her head, finally looking up at them. "You don't have to sleep at Joe's," she said. "It's fine. You don't have to go." She smiled reassuringly despite the fact that she knew whatever she and Derek still had to say to each other would likely be watered down by their presence. Izzie and George studied her skeptically before tilting their heads together, faces full of identical dubious looks.

"Do you think she wants us to stay?" asked George in a low voice.

"I don't know," answered Izzie, glancing back down at Meredith's visibly tense form. "She looks kinda…" She trailed off, shrugging and wrinkling her nose.

"Yeah," agreed George, looking back at her as well. "She does. Hey Mer," he continued, beckoning to her. "Can you come here for a sec?" Meredith shot Derek an apologetic look before nodding, and starting to climb the stairs. She had barely made it a step when Izzie realized what she was doing, and slapped George's arm.

"Don't make her go up the stairs," she scolded, tugging him after her down to the bottom of the steps. Meredith protested that she was perfectly fine to climb the stairs, but stopped immediately, and let them come to her.

"Yeah?" she asked when they had reached where she stood. She frowned up at Izzie who was looking past her, eyeing Derek skeptically. "Iz?"

"Right," continued Izzie, turning back to her. "Do you want us to stay, or go, or what?" she asked in a hushed voice.

"Umm…" began Meredith hesitantly.

"Do you want him to leave?" interrupted George, casting yet another suspicious look in Derek's direction. "Because, I could throw him out you know, if you did." Izzie snorted in disbelief, reaching out to squeeze his bicep.

"Right," she said slowly, shaking her head. "Meredith has a better chance of beating Alex in a fight than you do of throwing out Shepherd."

"I could take him," insisted George, his voice indignant as he stood up a little taller.

Meredith just rolled her eyes at them, and shook her head. "I don't want you to throw him out."

"Because he can't," teased Izzie, grinning as she ruffled George's hair.

"No," he snapped huffily. "I could. Meredith just doesn't want me to."

"Whatever you say George," said Izzie, her voice thoroughly unconvinced as she offered him a smug smile. "Do you want us to at least say hateful things to him Mer?" she asked, turning back to Meredith.

"What?" Meredith frowned in confusion, her eyebrows knitting together.

"We could," agreed George, scowling once more in Derek's direction.

"Oooh," continued Izzie as her eyes lit up. "We could call Cristina. She called him several not so nice names after you left, and I could try, but…I don't think I'd get the wording right."

George nodded, his expression seeming both knowledgeable and excited. "She could do it over the phone," he said eagerly. "Even over the phone it'd be scary."

Sighing, Meredith ran a hand through her hair. "No," she began, her voice quiet and slightly amused. "I don't need you guys to say hateful things about Derek." She glanced back over her shoulder at him, offering another apologetic smile, before turning back to her friends. "And he's right there, so can we please stop talking about this?" Izzie and George looked at each other, simultaneously shaking their heads.

"Are you sure you're okay, Mer?" asked George in response to her disbelieving expression. "Because well…he's been kinda…" He waffled about for the right term, which Izzie supplied with a roll of her eyes.

"He's been a total McBastard." Meredith started to protest, but Izzie held up a hand, looking at her worriedly. "If we leave you guys alone and go to Joe's, we're not going to come back and find you in tears again, are we?"

Folding her arms defensively in front of her chest, Meredith shook her head. "I'm not going to be in tears." Izzie's expression remained skeptical at best, and one eyebrow hiked up into a high arch. Meredith sighed, her voice dropping to barely a shred of a whisper as she mouthed, "He's divorced."

"Oh!" declared Izzie loudly, glancing over once more to where Derek was leaning awkwardly against the door. "Seriously?"

Meredith nodded. "It's what he said."

"Okay, I hate him _slightly _less than I did a minute ago. But still…Mer, are you sure you want to do this?"

"What…talk to him?" asked Meredith, frowning at her friends. "Yeah…of course." She shrugged, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. "Look…I know it's a mess, but we need to at least talk about it. I'll be fine. Seriously. It's just Derek."

"We know it's Derek," continued Izzie. "That's the problem."

"Izzie…" protested Meredith, her eyes widening slightly, hands slipping down to her hips.

"Okay. Sorry," she relented, shrugging her shoulders. "We're gonna go out then. Give you guys some privacy."

"Yeah," agreed Meredith, nodding slightly. "Okay." Izzie squeezed her arm reassuringly before jumping down past the remaining step onto the ground, and walking into the dining room in search of her purse. "They're uh…going to Joe's," explained Meredith awkwardly, leaning against the railing and looking over at Derek again. She had a feeling that their conversation hadn't been anywhere near quiet enough to keep him from overhearing, and, even if it had been, their blatant huddling in front of him would've left little doubt as to what was being discussed. However, Derek simply smiled and nodded his head.

"Meredith?" came Izzie's voice, calling from the other room.

"Yeah?"

"What did you do with my thing you borrowed?"

"Um," began Meredith, scratching her head in confusion. She had no memory of borrowing anything of Izzie's recently. "What thing?" she called back.

"You know…my thing that I like. My uh…sweater thing?" continued Izzie, her head appearing suddenly in the doorway, shooting Meredith a pointed look. "Can you come help me find it?" Meredith rolled her eyes at her friend's pathetic attempt at subtlety, but acquiesced, and followed her into the other room, leaving Derek alone with George. The younger man was seated at the foot of the stairs, tying his shoes. After a few moments of increasingly tense silence wherein George opened his mouth several times to talk, yet failed to make a sound, he finally swallowed hard and cleared his throat.

"She spent the whole day trying not to cry."

"What?" asked Derek, looking up in surprise at the sound of George's voice, his expression growing troubled. "What do you mean?"

George shook his head, not quite sure how he was managing to find the courage to speak up to his boss. Derek Shepherd intimidated him in more ways than one, and, for the life of him, he couldn't figure out how a guy like him had a girl like Meredith wrapped so securely around his finger; practically pining for him with every breath. He almost wanted to punch the guy for what he put her through, but he knew that wouldn't accomplish anything beyond possibly getting himself banned from the OR. And so instead, he glanced quickly down the hallway, ensuring that Meredith and Izzie were still out of earshot. His eyes scanning over nothing but an empty room, George returned his attention to Derek, saying, "She's Meredith. She's Meredith, and so she'll never admit it to you, but she thought you'd left her again. She's spent the entire day walking around like some kind of zombie."

Derek frowned darkly, looking slightly indignant. "I wouldn't leave," he began, shaking his head. "I was just…" But George rolled his eyes, growing quickly frustrated as he got to his feet.

"Dr. Shepherd, I don't care what you were doing," he said squarely. "It's…it's your business. But Meredith's our business. We're the ones who have to try to put her back together again every time you… Whenever you… Just, every time. And pretty soon, there's not going to be anything left to piece back together."

"George," interrupted Derek with a heavy sigh, but the younger man held up his hand.

"All I'm saying is please, if you can't be in her life for good, if you can't be in this and stay, if you think there's a chance you're just going to leave her again…then, go now, and just let her be."

"I'm staying," said Derek with another sharp shake of his head. "I'm not going to leave her again."

George nodded slowly, his expression still heavy with skepticism. "Okay," he agreed as the voices of Meredith and Izzie floated down the hallway, the two women making their way back towards the door.

"No. You don't need to call Cristina," hissed Meredith for a third time, speaking to Izzie in a low voice.

"I'm just saying…" began Izzie again, but Meredith shook her head, growing a bit exhausted of her friend's continual questioning as to whether she could handle talking to Derek on her own. She was starting to feel as if they all viewed her as some highly breakable invalid, and--were it not for the fact that she herself was apprehensive of just what she'd say when alone with Derek--she would've snapped at Izzie over it. But she was nervous, and so she just shushed her.

"Seriously," she insisted in a low voice. "Whatever he has to say, I can handle it. Now go say hi to Joe for me, okay?" Somehow, she managed to fill her voice with a veneer of confidence, and Izzie relented with a shrug.

"Fine," she agreed as they reached where George and Derek stood. "So, Joe's," she piped, beaming with an uncanny enthusiasm. "Yay!" She flashed George two thumbs up signs, before turning to button her coat. Moments later, he was leading the way out the door, opening an umbrella against the still pouring rain. Izzie tugged her hood up, raising an eyebrow at Derek. "Good luck McDreamy," she added, her voice tinted with sarcasm. "You're gonna need it."

The door closed; shutting out the sounds of the storm along with the cheerful pitch of George and Izzie's voices. In their absence, the hallway suddenly seemed to be filled with a deathly stillness. Derek was watching her carefully, his expression gentle, and Meredith shifted uneasily, growing more apprehensive than she'd expected. She felt awkward just standing there, but she wasn't sure where to begin, and so she turned away, her eyes darting wildly around the room. Her gaze landed on the laundry basket in front of her, and Meredith bent down, hoisting it up and resting the weight of it against her hip.

"Are you sure you can carry that?" asked Derek worriedly, eyeing the large brimming basket, and crossing over to where she stood.

Meredith just rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure," she began, but he'd already reached out, removing it easily from her grasp. Derek cocked his head to the side, grinning at her as she let out an indignant gasp.

"Where do you want it to go?"

"Umm…" she said hesitantly, running her hand through her hair. She'd picked up the laundry simply for something to do, and had no further plans for the clothes. "Kitchen table," she instructed at last, unwilling to tell him to just set it back down. Derek nodded and she followed him through her house, dropping an empty glass off in the sink on her way. "Thanks," she mumbled softly when he had finally placed the basket on the table.

"Sure." Derek smiled at her once again, and she reached out nervously, pulling a shirt from the jumbled pile of clothes. Her hands shook a little as she smoothed out the wrinkles, her mind too busy trying to sort out what was happening to concentrate on folding.

"Sorry about George and Izzie," she stammered at last, glancing up at Derek, and offering him a small grimace of apology. "They're…well, you know how they are." She made another face, setting down the shirt and hastily latching on to a towel, folding it easily in half.

"It's fine Mer," he said quietly. He hesitated for a moment--sensing how jittery she was--and simply stared at her, his gaze traveling over her face and down the length of her body. And as it did, a sudden smile brightened his face, eyes filling with recognition. "Is that my shirt?" he asked, sounding somewhat incredulous as he gestured towards the large gray t-shirt Meredith had changed into once she'd returned home.

"Umm…" She placed the folded towel on the table, her hands running down the soft fabric of the shirt as she chewed nervously on the corner of her lip. "Yeah," she continued uneasily. "Sorry. I don't have, uh…my clothes don't fit anymore. And it was left from…before." Her cheeks flushed and she looked down, embarrassed that he now knew she'd not only saved his shirt, but worn it as well. Giving it an uncomfortable tug, she turned away slightly, adding, "Sorry, I can go change and give it back." But, before she had made it more than two steps, Derek reached out and caught her wrist, pulling her towards him.

"No," he said with a shake of his head, his hand skimming up her arm to rest protectively against her shoulder. "Don't change. It looks good on you." He tilted his head to the side, the blue of his eyes intensifying as he raised his eyebrows, his face split into a teasing grin. Meredith rolled her eyes, but smiled as well, not pulling away as he traced down the length of the shirt's collar--fingers coming to rest over the pointed 'V' that gaped low against her chest. She tensed as his fingertips finally brushed against bare skin; a thousand tiny shocks charging through her body. Gasping softly, she took a quick step backwards away from him, returning her attention to the laundry basket. Her lips pursed into a thin line as she tried to find the courage to steer the conversation back towards the end of his marriage, to what they were going to do now, to all the words that had been building up inside her for months. However, she remained silent, carefully avoiding Derek's eyes.

"Mer," he said cautiously, taking a step closer to her. She nodded imperceptibly, fighting off the urge to shiver as he drew near to her. It was difficult. The air surrounding Derek somehow felt changed; dense and alive, filling her with a phantom tingling as if she were pressed hard against him despite the space that still existed between them. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Meredith finally managed to speak.

"So…um, you're divorced." Her voice came out very small, just a thin little whisper of a sound.

Derek nodded, agreeing, "I am."

"Okay."

He watched as she stared at the ground--her lip trembling ever so slightly--stubbornly refusing to look at him. There was something tense and uneasy to her posture, and her hands never ceased their nervous folding. As Derek looked at her, taking in everything from the almost dejected slump of her shoulders, to the cold pale silence of her features, he realized George hadn't been exaggerating in the slightest. "You really thought I'd left," he said quietly, his tone both shocked and regretful. Caught off guard by his statement, Meredith's head jerked up abruptly as her eyes widened and her lips parted in a soft expression of surprise. Catching her gaze, Derek stepped closer, his own eyes dark and disbelieving. "Mer…you know I wouldn't."

She shook her head, twisting the washcloth she'd been folding into a tight rope. "I didn't know what to think, Derek," she admitted flatly.

"I could never leave you," he insisted.

Suddenly she was laughing--a high bitter sound--as she rolled her eyes. "Don't say that when you already have before."

"Okay," Derek relented, not wanting to goad her into the sharp anger her voice had hinted at. "But…leaving you," he continued, silently willing her to not look away again. She nodded slightly as she stared apprehensively up at him. "That was the hardest thing I ever had to do." Meredith bit her lip, nodding her head more definitely, but turning away to grab yet another shirt from the laundry basket. "And the stupidest," he continued as Meredith closed her eyes, letting his voice wash over her. "And I'm never doing it again." She sighed, feeling as if she were being stretched thin, pulled in every possible direction. The rational, logical part of her brain--the half of her that had made it through medical school--was telling her not to trust him, that he was only lying, and would leave her again the way everyone seemed to leave her…sooner or later. But the rest of her--everything that felt and breathed and _lived _within her--was screaming at her to believe, that she needed to believe in him to truly be alive. Eyes still closed, she finally managed to speak, her voice a hopeful plea.

"Never?"

"Never," he agreed quietly, the words low and serious as they drifted to her ears. Meredith nodded, eyelids fluttering apart once again.

"Okay," she whispered as she leaned forward, pulling a sweater out of the basket, fingers trembling as she shook out the wrinkles, doing a terrible job of folding it. Derek took another step towards her, closing the distance between them, and pulling the sweater from her hands. He thread his fingers through hers, squeezing them tight, desperately wanting to bend down and kiss away the insecurity, the fear and hesitancy, that still lingered plainly on her face.

"I'm sorry Meredith," he said earnestly. "Please…believe me?" Derek's voice was suddenly as uncertain as her eyes, swollen with the fear that she wouldn't believe, that she would push him away. But he forgot his own worries as she looked up, and he caught sight of the tears that fell from her eyes, rolling in shimmering trails down her cheeks. She nodded, but turned her face from him, blinking in a futile attempt to stop her tears. "You're crying Mer," Derek observed softly. That only garnered a fierce shake of her head.

"I'm not," she said, her voice stubborn even as it cracked in two. Smiling slightly, Derek let go of her hand, raising his own to brush away some of her tears, the pads of his thumbs easily wiping away the heavy droplets.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, tilting her chin up slightly as she shook her head again, her face scrunching in an effort to hold off the tears that were intensifying.

"I'm not," she moaned, her lip trembling as she spoke. And as she did, Meredith let her head fall forward, burying her face against Derek's chest as her silent tears contorted into noisy, almost violent, sobs. His arms wrapped instantly around her; one reaching up to hold her head, his fingers threading through her hair, as the other moved to her back, pulling her close so that her stomach pressed against him.

"Meredith," he murmured, his voice growing low and soothing. "Shhh Mer, it's okay." But Meredith just shook her head, nails digging into his shoulders as she clung to him desperately, her crying escalating into sobs that shook her small frame. Feeling how much she shuddered against him, Derek bent forward slightly, lifting her effortlessly into his arms. She tucked her face close against his neck, and let him carry her to the couch without protest.

Meredith felt as if everything were disappearing save her tears; leaving her alone to drown in the same tormented sea that had been growing since the moment she'd first stared disbelievingly at the tiny blue plus sign on a pregnancy test. It felt as if some dam within her had been inexplicably breached, and everything she'd thought she had under control was just crumbling and washing away. There was nothing to do but cry, her hand stretching out desperately, fingers spread in an automatic instinctive plea for something to hold on to. And she felt Derek's fingers lace tightly with her own, enveloping her small hand in his larger one as he brought it to his lips, murmuring something low and gentle, something innately comforting, against her skin.

"Breathe Mer. Just breathe…it's okay. I promise, it's okay." There were fingers running softly through her hair, and Derek's voice gave her something to cling to, an anchor that let her pull herself together enough to straighten up, managing a deep gasping breath.

"Derek," she sobbed, nearly choking on his name. Her eyes were wide; pale green glimmering beneath a heavy sheen of tears that still rolled resolutely down her face.

"Yeah," he said immediately, his own eyes equally wide, alarmed at just how hard she was crying. "I'm right here," he continued as she nodded her head, seeming slightly reassured. "Everything's okay." She stopped nodding at that, letting out a small moan as her expression changed back into one of fear and uncertainty. "Shhh, what is it?" he asked, still stroking her hair. "What's wrong?" Pulling her closer to him, Derek pressed his lips to the top of her head, holding her so that his body absorbed her shaking, reducing her crying down to simple tears.

"I'm…" she gasped at last, tilting her head back to look at Derek. It chilled him to see just how wide and raw her eyes were, but he simply nodded, keeping his expression encouraging. "I'm scared Derek," she stammered, her hand still clutching frantically at his.

"You're scared," he repeated softly, and she nodded her head, reaching up to dry her eyes with her free hand. Suddenly, the words came tumbling freely from her lips as she found a way to give voice to what she had been through during the past few months.

"Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and when I remember I'm pregnant, I'm so terrified that I can't fall back asleep." Derek let out a low pained gasp at her words, aching at the thought of her so fragile and alone in the dark of the night. He tilted his head to the side, studying her closely as she shook her head, a teardrop swinging dangerously from her eyelashes. "I don't know what I'm doing," she stammered in a small voice.

"Mer…" soothed Derek. "That's okay."

"No, it's not okay. I don't know how to have a baby," she continued, her voice escalating into a frightened gasp. "Derek, I don't know…I don't know what I'm going to do once it's born. I don't even know where I'm going to put it!" Meredith was staring at their tightly locked hands, looking suddenly small and helpless. "I haven't done anything for the baby because it was just me, and I didn't want to do it without you. I didn't want to think about having it without you, because…I don't think I can." She trailed off as tears started to spill more profusely from her eyes, her voice breaking down into a series of breathy gasps. "Derek, I can't. I just…I can't. You can't vanish like you did again. Please Derek…you can't not be here." Meredith leaned forward, starting to tremble once more as she pressed her forehead against his shoulder. "I can't do this without you," she cried, her voice a broken whimper. "I'm just so scared, and I can't…"

"Mer. Meredith," murmured Derek, speaking her name over and over until the sound turned into a sort of song--something sad and earnest and full of love. Finally, he laid a hand against her damp cheek, drawing her up to face him. "Listen to me," he said sternly, his voice breaking past her crying and causing her eyes to focus on him. "You are not going to be alone for this Mer. And you _can_ do this. Wecan. I promise, we can." She nodded tentatively, her expression still uncertain. "You're not going to have to do it alone," he continued quietly, his voice tinted with awe as he laid his hand against her round stomach. "We're going to have our baby together, okay?"

Meredith nodded again, a little more definitely this time. "Okay," she whispered.

"Okay," he echoed as she settled back into his arms, her head against his shoulder. She stared down at the sight of his hand resting over her belly, and it was something comforting although it didn't completely erase her fear.

"I'm still scared though," she murmured after a moment, her voice small as she sniffled, blinking away the last of her tears.

Derek just laughed, his chin bumping gently against the top of her head as he nodded. "That's okay. So am I," he admitted, prompting Meredith to turn around once more, staring wide-eyed up at him.

"You are?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah. Mer, it's scary," he said, his voice growing soft and low. "But we can figure it out together--how to be parents. We'll just take it one day at a time."

"Parents…" Meredith echoed, finding the word strange, and a little unsettling. But Derek's hands were reassuring; one still lingering over their child while the other smoothed the damp strands of hair away from her tear streaked face. And the silence they fell into while Meredith caught her breath from all the crying wasn't uncomfortable. But as her heartbeat finally returned to normal, her voice once again grew apprehensive. "You'll be there?" she asked quietly.

Derek let out a low sound of agreement before adding, "Of course Mer."

However, the panicked light in her eyes renewed itself, and she twisted back around, seeming almost to have not heard him at all. "When I have to have the baby," she continued, her voice growing frightened at the mere thought of giving birth. "You'll be with me Derek? For the whole thing?"

"For the whole thing," agreed Derek, hating that she seemed to think it possible for him to be anywhere other than at her side. "Meredith," he murmured, pressing a finger against the very center of her lower lip. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"You wouldn't?" she echoed hopefully; the knowledge that, at some point, the baby would have to come out losing some of its innate terror at the thought of having Derek there for it.

"Not a chance."

And Meredith finally smiled, the corners of her lips twitching hesitantly before making a definite upward turn. Derek's mouth mirrored her own, and they stared raptly at each other, words quickly becoming unnecessary. She felt her breath catch low in her throat as Derek's finger left her lip, and her tongue darted out to replace the warmth that had evaporated with the loss of his touch. With that tiny gesture, his eyes fixated immediately on her mouth, and she followed suit, her gaze drifting down to his lips. When they looked back up, their eyes were close to smoldering; as if a living flame burned somehow just behind the veils of blue and green, turning their eyes into embers that were simultaneously dark and burning bright. Meredith couldn't tell if they moved in slow motion, their faces inching closer and closer to close the space between them, or if their lips crashed suddenly together hard and fast. Somehow, it felt a bit like both; Derek's hands moved quickly, pulling urgently through her hair, but the shivers that ran down the newly exposed curve of her neck were long and drawn out, incredibly slow. Her skin was still moist from crying, and the press of her smooth cheek against his stubbled one was cool and damp, in high contrast to the warmth of their mouths as lips parted hungrily. Meredith moaned softly as their tongues found each other, Derek's teeth coming down against the curve of her lower lip, tugging on it as his hands dropped to her hips to move her forward, shifting her into his lap.

There was nowhere to move save closer together. To pull away wasn't even an option. Meredith had forgotten just how much she needed him--time serving to dull the ache--but his hands sliding beneath her shirt, trailing up over her spine and around to graze against her breasts, filled her with an old familiar longing. Shifting slightly, she kissed him again, harder this time as her fingers yanked his belt buckle undone in a single deft motion. Derek groaned as her small hands slipped even further downward, her name escaping as a rough whisper swallowed up in their kisses. But, after a moment, he forced himself to pull away from her lips, taking a deep breath to keep from simply using the sudden space between them as an opening to remove her top.

"Mer?" he asked in a low voice, and she tilted her head to the side, looking at him inquisitively. He raised an eyebrow, his gaze flitting down to her stomach before moving back up to search her face. "Can you?" Meredith just smiled and nodded, her hair swinging back and forth with the gesture. "We won't hurt the baby?" he pressed worriedly.

"No," said Meredith, leaning forward and giggling against his lips, making a quick mental note to buy Izzie a new pair of shoes. "We won't hurt the baby," she murmured, her voice growing low and soft as her hands tangled in the thick dark strands of his hair.

"Good," moaned Derek, capturing her mouth with his own once again. His voice was full of relief, and Meredith laughed as he moved down, trailing kisses along the smooth column of her neck. She slid him out of his jacket as his hands drifted once again beneath her shirt, this time easing the fabric up over her head, and letting the shirt fall to the floor. Derek looked up, relishing the sight of her hair raining back down in golden strands over her bare shoulders, but as it did, Meredith shifted uncomfortably, her expression growing suddenly apprehensive. Her arms folded self-consciously over her stomach as she eyed him warily, full of the knowledge that this was the first time he had truly seen her pregnant--without the distraction of clothes or a hospital gown and monitors. "Mer?" he asked, taking in the unexpected frown that was dulling the light in her eyes. "What is it?" She shrugged and shook her head, but didn't move in the slightest. "What's wrong?" he pressed, his hands running over her bare skin, trying to coax out an explanation for her sudden sharp change in mood.

"I'm…" she began apprehensively, biting her lip. She studied his face, eyes darting over his features as she tried to guess at what he thought of her now, wishing desperately that she didn't suddenly feel so anxious and so unattractive. Derek glanced down, noticing how she was cradling her naked stomach, and lay his hands gently over hers.

"What?" he asked softly, his thumb tracing reassuring circles around her slender wrist.

"I'm fat," she finally admitted, her voice growing into a thin whine that she despised instantly, cringing at the insecure embarrassed pitch to her words, yet powerless to alter the tone.

"You're fat?" echoed Derek incredulously, a low chuckle escaping his lips as he shook his head. "Seriously Mer?" She nodded, wrinkling her nose and wishing she could hide the stretched skin of her stomach back beneath her shirt. However, Derek just shook his head again, his eyes bright and amused. "You're not fat. You are actually…a very little…tiny person," he continued, leaning forward and speaking in between kisses as his lips trailed over her chest and back up her neck to finally find her mouth again.

But Meredith pulled away uncertainly, still feeling painfully self-conscious. "It's just…" she began, sighing heavily, her face flushing. Derek frowned, not yet used to just how quickly she now swung from one emotion to another, falling easily into either insecurity or tears, or both.

"What?" he coaxed, leaning back against the couch to study her face, watching as she chewed anxiously on her lip. Her eyes darted back to his at his question, and she shrugged uneasily.

"It's just," she tried again, shaking her head. "I looked different the last time we had sex, and now I'm all…" She trailed off awkwardly, glaring down at the round bare curve of her belly.

"Oh Mer," said Derek instantly--finally understanding--his voice growing infinitely gentle and tinged slightly with disbelief. Reaching out, he took her hands in his, pulling them up and away from her stomach. Her eyes were still wary, full of doubt and embarrassment, and she tensed as his hand replaced hers, coming down to lay against the very center of her stomach. "Meredith," he continued earnestly, his voice giving her no option save to listen to him. "You're having my baby. It's not possible to look more beautiful than you do right now." She shook her head, about to protest further, but his eyes had darkened, growing almost reverent, and as his gaze moved back up to her face, she forgot what she wanted to say. It didn't matter that none of her clothes fit anymore, that she felt gigantic and slow and unattractive in every possible way. It was such a minor detail that it shriveled into insignificance as Derek's eyes bored into her as if he never wanted to look away. And somehow, Meredith could believe him. She leaned forward, and he kissed her again, his mouth a hard warm pressure against her lips; burning away all thoughts more complex than _here_ and _now_,and some low breathy version of his name. They fell back into each others arms, shedding their clothes with a desperate heady urgency, freeing their bodies to finally come together again.

-----

_So yeah, lots of Mer/Der in this chapter. While they sort of got back together in the hospital when Meredith was sick, they kept themselves in this happy little bubble that didn't really resolve all that much. And, it kinda had to be that way because Mer was sick, and Derek was worried about her, and they were both just so relieved that she and the baby were okay, that they didn't want to do much more than be happy about that. Plus, Mer was really tired. All of her issues were kinda laying low because she was so exhausted. But now, she's doing better, and the fact that she's felt scared and alone this whole time is something Derek needs to understand. The fact that he pretty much vanished on her for two days right after she thought everything was going to be okay with them served to sharpen all her doubts and abandonment issues, so that when he tells her he's never going to leave her again, it collides head on with all those issues. Because, even while she loves McFetus, she's terrified of how she's going to do the mom thing, and even having a kid with Derek in the picture scares her. When she thinks of doing it without him, it freaks her out, and blah-de-blah, she ends up crying so that Derek can finally start to understand how much she's been through, not just physically with getting sick, but just in her own head, freaking out about the baby. And, he's not quite used to how emotional she is now, because she is pretty emotional and needy right now, however he's really there for her this time, and is able to calm her down and all that good stuff._

_And…what else? Izzie and George were there for a bit, doing the talking about someone right in front of them thing because well, they can be five sometimes. And, Mer's friends are very skeptical of Derek because he hasn't been there. They're the ones who've been helping her while she's been pregnant, and, as far as they can tell, he just tends to make things worse. However, they end up leaving and letting Mer/Der have their privacy because Mer is having his kid, and they know she really wants things to work with him despite the roller coaster he's continually putting her on. _

_And hmm…Derek. He's finally divorced. Yay! Despite his flaws and that he's been far from perfect, he does know how to comfort Mer. And he's starting to redeem himself. He does love her and their baby, but he has this problem where he doesn't always grasp how much he hurts her. Even when George pointed out that Mer thought he'd left her again, he didn't quite believe it because he knows he didn't leave her. He can't imagine just leaving her like that. It doesn't even seem possible to him, so he didn't quite get why Mer would think that. But then when they're talking together, he finally realizes that yeah…that's actually what she thought. And so he's finally starting to really understand where she is and what she's been through, however, he still has a ways to go. It's one thing to say all the pretty things in the world. It's something else entirely to actually be there when it counts, but…that's what he intendeds to do now._

_Yep, that's about it for tonight. That was a long burst of rambling. Hee… Anyway, hopefully people are glad that Mer/Der are finally back together again. Thanks so much for reading!_


	24. New Day

_So, so sorry this chapter took so long to get up. I was planning to post it yesterday, but then…I watched Grey's. And just…gah! My brain refused to do anything beyond freak out and spin wildly because…Meredith! Mer, Mer, Mer…it needs to be next Thursday already. Seriously. So yes, this got delayed while I spazzed like a crazy fangirl. However, this chapter is preeeeeeetty long, so…let's pretend that makes up for the delay. Hee. What else? Oh yes. Thanks so much for the reviews. Mer/Der are back together, let's twirl around, and all that good stuff. I was very glad to hear that people enjoyed their reunion. So many thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. It's interesting and rewarding and motivating and all kinds of good things like puppies and lollipops and sunshine rolled into a big giant bow. Or something… Basically, thanks. Anything else? Umm…this chapter, yeah. This chapter takes place a little under two weeks after the last one, so Mer has been on break for awhile, and Mer/Der have been reunited that same length of time. That's about it for now. Enjoy! _

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_The sky is lit up  
Day will be richer than night  
So don't think of yesterday  
It's here and now_  
-----

Meredith frowned at herself in the mirror, pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail. The smell of food was wafting its way slowly upstairs, and she flicked the light switch off, hurrying quickly into the hall. The inviting aroma was already making her stomach growl insistently, and she rubbed it reassuringly to stop the ache as she made her way down the stairs. She could hear the loud mingling of voices in the kitchen, and found herself smiling despite the fact that it was early and she was still tired. The loud banging of pots and pans and people shuffling about sounded somehow close to perfect. Things had started to feel almost frighteningly perfect lately; her time off from work passing in a dizzy blur that was brightened immeasurably by Derek's presence as opposed to the cold lingering of days she had been expecting. If she really thought about it, she was starting to feel as if she were inching back towards something safe. Her roommates no longer shot Derek dirty looks every time they bumped into him in the hall. Things seemed to magically be slipping back to the way they had been before, capturing a happiness that she had thought was forever lost. Her smile still lingering on her face, Meredith made her way into the kitchen.

"Morning," she called, her eyes widening as she caught sight of the heaping mountain of French Toast Izzie was setting down on the table. "So that's what I was smelling. Sure you made enough, Iz?" she asked, rolling her eyes at the pile as she leaned forward to grab a plate.

"Whoa. No you don't," was the only reply she received as Izzie leaned forward as well, snatching the plate back from Meredith just as soon as she had grabbed it.

Her eyebrows drew together in confusion. "What?" She reached out for the plate again, but Izzie just walked away with it, her smile full of smug amusement.

"No French Toast for you," she called over her shoulder. "Derek's making you breakfast." Meredith's frown deepened, and she walked further into the kitchen, over to where he stood by the stove.

"You're making me breakfast?" she asked quietly, looking up at him as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"I am," he agreed as he moved to shield the stove from view.

"Well, what are you making?" She frowned at being displaced, and tried to sidestep him, peering forward in the hopes of getting a glimpse of what was within the large black pot. Instead, Meredith found herself being pulled into his arms, her view obscured by his lips suddenly pressing against hers.

"Go sit down," he answered as he pulled his mouth from hers, hands settling around her stomach. "It's almost ready. I'll bring it to you."

"Derek, no. What are you…" she tried, only to once again be silenced by the pressure of his lips against her own. The kiss was surprisingly forceful for early in the morning in the middle of a crowded kitchen, but it successfully distracted her from all thoughts about breakfast and the stove. Meredith moaned softly, her lips growing pliant beneath his. But just as her fingers started to twine through his hair, her body responding and moving closer, Derek pulled away again, resting his forehead against hers. "You're being very strange today," she murmured, her small hand running over his chest as she chewed on her lip, her expression growing thoughtful.

"I am simply making breakfast," replied Derek lightly, straightening up and smirking at her. "For my girlfriend. My _beautiful_ girlfriend," he amended, hands still locked around her back. His voice turned teasing as he started to walk her backwards towards the table. "What, Dr. Grey? Is that not allowed?"

Meredith tilted her head to the side, eyes growing bright and curious. "It's allowed," she relented, resigning herself to waiting for her breakfast.

"Good." Reaching out, Derek grasped her chin and smiled down at her, before lowering her expertly into a chair. "Now stay. Don't make me burn breakfast," he continued, leaving her with George and Izzie as he strode back towards the stove.

"Okay…" mumbled Meredith, her expression growing bemused as she watched him once again pick up the large stirring spoon.

"We're terribly sorry," said George, his voice muffled slightly by a mouthful of French Toast. Meredith turned back around at his words to find Izzie nodding her head in agreement.

"We are," she said, although her voice didn't sound that regretful. "I tried to get him to stop, but…" She trailed off, her words ending in a shrug. "He's persistent."

"Umm…what _exactly _is he making?" asked Meredith, worry seeping into her voice. She looked back towards Derek again, narrowing her eyes as she watched him spoon something into a bowl.

George just shook his head. "It's horrible."

"Disgusting, really," agreed Izzie, wrinkling her nose.

"Derek?" called Meredith anxiously, once again receiving nothing more than his usual grin, eyebrows rising as his eyes darkened with amusement. Sighing, Meredith turned back to the table, her fingers drumming impatiently as she waited for him. And eventually, he made his way over, proudly setting a steaming bowl down in front of her. She leaned forward, her expression instantly contorting into a frown as she studied the gloppy contents. "Umm…what is that?"

"Oatmeal," answered Derek proudly, sliding down into the chair beside her and taking a long drink from his coffee mug.

"Oatmeal?" she echoed weakly, poking gingerly at it with her spoon.

Izzie nodded as she reached forward to grab the syrup. "We told you we were sorry."

Meredith just gave a sharp shake of her head in response. "There's no way I'm eating oatmeal," she said flatly, already pushing the bowl away.

"Mer," tried Derek, nudging the bowl back in her direction. "It's delicious."

"It's even worse than your Muesli," she replied, the corners of her mouth curving deeply into a smirk as she turned and leaned towards Derek, closing the already short distance between them.

"What? I thought you liked my Muesli," he answered, filling his voice with a fake injured innocence that made Meredith laugh and shake her head. She turned wordlessly back to the oatmeal, once again prodding it with the end of the utensil, her eyes narrowing as she peered down, examining the contents of the bowl. "Eat it," he coaxed, tilting his head to the side and smiling at her warmly, his voice growing low and convincing. "I read it's good for the baby."

"Aww you read baby books," interjected Izzie delightedly as Derek reddened ever so slightly. Meredith just shook her head, gazing up at him.

"Actually..." She paused as her smile melted once again into a smirk. "The baby wants French Toast." Setting her spoon down in a slow deliberate motion, she added, "and so do I."

Derek did his best to look astonished at her words. "Oh, you want French Toast?" he asked, carefully forcing a frown across his face, before giving in and grinning at her. "I never would've guessed."

"Mmhmm," said Meredith lightly. "You see, some people like to eat food that doesn't taste like cardboard." Derek ignored her protest, simply reaching out to pick up her hand in his, curling her fingers once again around the spoon. Meredith tore her eyes from him at the feel of the cold metal against her palm, glancing down for a second before returning her gaze quickly to his face, glaring at him. "Derek Shepherd!" she snapped indignantly, threatening him with the blunt curve of the spoon.

Once again, his response was a soft smile, although his eyes gave away his amusement at her reaction. "Please?" he asked simply, and his voice was so low and insistent, so utterly hopeful, that Meredith felt herself giving in. She rolled her eyes, scooping out a spoonful of the oatmeal and placing it cautiously in her mouth. She wrinkled her nose instantly, not bothering to hide her grimace at the lumpy unpleasant texture. Swallowing hard, she reached quickly for her juice glass, washing away the taste by draining it dry.

"See? It's good, right?" asked Derek as she set the empty glass back down and turned to him with narrowed eyes.

Meredith just shrugged. "If by good you mean disgusting, then yes, it's good."

"Yeah well, the baby likes it," he replied evenly, leaning forward and pressing his lips to her forehead. "Now eat up, or we'll be late." He turned back to his own breakfast as Meredith glowered at him, but reluctantly took another bite of the warm cereal.

"Mer," hissed George, and she looked back up to find him furtively passing her a piece of French Toast from his plate. Grinning mischievously, she nodded her thanks, quickly biting into the toast.

"Why are you up so early anyway?" asked Izzie, turning to Meredith curiously. "Don't you still have time off?"

"Doctor's appointment," said Meredith simply. "I made it really early because I thought I'd be working, and have to go in to the hospital afterwards." Izzie glanced cautiously over at Derek, who had picked up the paper and was skimming over the front page.

"_Dr. McBabies?" _she mouthed incredulously, her eyebrows shooting straight up as Meredith nodded her head.

"Well yeah," she said with a shrug. "I've got to switch to a perinatologist, so I figured I might as well tell him in person. Besides, I want someone to look at me before I go back to work." She shrugged once more, popping the last of her French Toast into her mouth.

"Uh huh…" said Izzie, her voice still clearly skeptical. "Does he…" She lowered her voice, leaning forward. "I mean, after the kissing? Doesn't Derek…" She trailed off as Derek looked up, amusement showing clearly in every line of his face. "Meredith," continued Izzie, her voice turning into a frustrated hiss as she found her questions cut off abruptly. Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes, running a hand through the loose waves of her hair.

"Derek, can I please have some more oatmeal?" she asked pointedly as she handed him her still full bowl. He glanced down at the contents, raising an eyebrow.

"Seriously?" He tilted the bowl back towards her. "You do realize that the stuff in here right now would be the oatmeal?" he asked, speaking slowly as if he feared she couldn't comprehend him. Meredith shot him a glare as he grinned at her.

"It's cold."

"Right. You just want me to leave so you can talk about me."

"No, I just really love oatmeal," she replied dryly, rolling her eyes again in response to his still lingering grin. "Seriously. I do. It's almost as good as sex." Derek laughed at her comment, but George just let out a worried moan, looking up from his plate.

"Oh god…please don't tell me you're about to start screaming then," he groaned. "It's too early for screaming."

Meredith shot him a puzzled look. "What?" she asked, before understanding slid slowly over her. "Oh." She flushed slightly, watching as Izzie and George glanced at each other, shaking their heads. "I'm not…" she stammered. "I don't…" Their expressions grew increasingly incredulous, and Meredith glared at them, banging her spoon resolutely against the table. "I don't scream." They only snorted down at their respective plates, all three faces surrounding her mirror expressions of disbelief.

"Well," began Derek slowly, drawing out the word. "Last night…"

"Okay fine," said Meredith to silence him, her voice tight with annoyance. "I may occasionally scream. Softly. Very softly, and…why are we even having this conversation?" She looked down abruptly, once again picking up the bowl of oatmeal and brandishing it at Derek. "Oatmeal," she snapped as he leered at her, his eyes darkening with the intense heady look he used only on her. Meredith's expression softened slightly, and she added a mumbled, "please," as he obliged and headed back towards the stove. She returned to glaring at her two roommates as she leaned forward, helping herself to a second piece of French toast.

"Um Mer?" began Izzie politely. "Shouldn't you be saving room for the orgasmic oatmeal?"

"You know what?" hissed Meredith, eyes flashing as her roommates both snickered, shaking their heads. "You people are supposed to be my friends--my nice, kind, caring friends. You're not supposed to pick on the pregnant girl, remember? Especially since her boyfriend has clearly gone insane, and is trying to starve her and their child with a breakfast made entirely of shredded cardboard!"

"Well ah…my mom used to make me eat oatmeal," offered George. "The only way to get it down is by burying it under a crust of brown sugar."

"We don't have brown sugar," snapped Meredith.

"Okay, okay," soothed Izzie, laughing at her expression, and passing her the syrup. "Eat your toast, and tell me how you got Shepherd not to care that you're seeing Dr. McKissyFace today."

"Dr. McKissyFace?" echoed George.

Izzie nodded her head. "Meredith kissed her doctor," she said flatly, prompting George to choke on a mouthful of coffee, the liquid dribbling down his face as he spluttered in disbelief, hands searching for a napkin. "And that's disgusting," she continued, wrinkling her nose as she scooted her chair back from his a little. "It looks like you've got coffee coming out of your pores." He just shook his head, glancing back and forth between Meredith's almost bored expression and the sight of Derek at the coffee pot, refilling his own mug.

"You kissed…when…?" stammered George. "Does he…does Shepherd know?" Meredith just sighed, and nodded her head.

"Yes. He knows."

"He saw them," added Izzie eagerly, eyes glinting. "What?" she continued defensively as Meredith shot her a dark look. "I'm just providing a clearer picture. Most people would call that helpful." Meredith opened her mouth to reply, but George beat her to it.

"He saw you kiss your doctor, and now he doesn't care that you're going back to the same guy?" he asked incredulously.

"Why should he care? We are all adults," said Meredith, shaking her head. "We have moved past that. Besides…" She trailed off as Derek dropped once again into the chair beside her, looking up in time to catch the amused smirk lingering around his mouth.

"Besides, I'm coming with," he supplied.

"Oh…" said George in a gasp of understanding that contorted quickly into one of pure horror. "Oh…no. That, that will be…"

"Epic," offered Izzie, looking delighted.

Meredith just frowned at her. "What?"

"It won't be pretty," she explained.

"No. It won't be," agreed George.

"Destruction will occur," continued Izzie, brandishing her fork through the air as her voice grew low and dramatic. "Limbs will fly. Blood will be spilt. Heads will…"

"Stop being ridiculous," interrupted Meredith, once again rolling her eyes. "We will be fine. Seriously people, stop acting like there's a danger of me mounting my doctor on the exam table." Derek looked up at that, eyes darkening slightly as he raised his eyebrows.

"What?" he asked, his voice growing sharp.

"Yeah, good luck with that one," said Izzie blithely, turning to Derek. "Now she wants to mount him. And he is mountable. Very mountable…" She smiled slowly, looking away from Derek's increasingly frustrated expression to take in the shocked glare Meredith was sending her. "What?" she asked with perfected innocence.

"Thank you," said Meredith dryly, setting her fork back down. "Seriously. Thank you for that. Very helpful." Izzie grimaced apologetically, and busied herself with pouring more syrup on her plate.

"And…look at the time," interjected George in a rush, his voice suddenly frantic as he broke the tense silence that had started to settle over the table. "We have rounds in ten minutes." He practically vaulted out of his seat, and Izzie leapt to her feet as well.

"Crap," she hissed, pulling her coat on as she dashed back to the kitchen counter to grab her keys. "Hurry up George. Bailey's going break our arms, and eat us for breakfast."

"I'm already at the door," he replied indignantly as he stuffed his feet into his shoes.

"Whatever," snapped Izzie. "Go start the car or something. And you two…" She glanced back over at Meredith and Derek as they sat in silence, neither one quite meeting the other's eyes. "Have fun with your doctor." A moment later, she had followed George outside, the door slamming resolutely shut behind her.

Shifting uncomfortably, Meredith wound her napkin around her wrist. She hadn't really stopped to consider just how bad putting Josh and Derek in the same room could get, but Derek's suddenly sullen expression was rapidly clueing her in. "So," she began tentatively, her eyes apprehensive as she studied his face.

Derek cleared his throat, running his hand roughly through his hair. "So, about this doctor…"

"I'm not going to mount him," she defended with a heavy sigh. Not feeling up for an argument, she simply speared a final piece of French Toast with her fork. Popping it into her mouth, she looked back at Derek as she licked the syrup from her lips. "And I don't want to," she added pointedly, offering him a slow suggestive smile, white teeth biting down against the red of her mouth.

Derek nodded, his grave expression finally shifting into a smirk. "Good."

-----

"Can you tie this for me?" asked Meredith, turning her back to Derek and sweeping her hair off her neck, revealing the final tie at the top of her hospital gown.

"Yep," said Derek simply, fingers brushing against her bare skin as he worked the strings into a knot with an easy practiced precision. "All set," he continued, reaching up to pull her hand from her hair, and spin her back around to face him. Meredith smiled her thanks as she looked up at him, shivering slightly in the cool air of the exam room. Feeling her tense against him, Derek ran his hands up over her arms, his expression growing worried. "Hey…are you good?"

"Yeah," she said, glancing over her shoulder at the closed door. She raised an eyebrow pointedly. "Are you good?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be good?"

"Well, you know." Meredith shrugged, tilting her head to the side as she frowned up at him. "I'm just saying," she said slowly, pressing her palm flat against his chest. "Play nice. That's all."

"Play nice?" echoed Derek, looking suddenly amused as his mouth twisted into a smile, fingers drumming against her arms. "With who? I have no idea what you're talking about."

Eyes narrowing, Meredith shook her head sharply. "You do too, so just…behave." She lowered her voice warningly as Derek continued to keep his expression deliberately uncomprehending. "Seriously, just try not to be an ass to him. Josh is actually a very nice guy."

"Uh huh," said Derek, frowning slightly. "Nice guys don't kiss their patients." Meredith took a step back, folding her arms over the ledge created by her protruding stomach.

"Oh really? And how would you know that?"

"Because I've never kissed a patient," answered Derek proudly, clearly thinking he had proven his point. Meredith just rolled her eyes.

"You're not a nice guy."

"What?" he spluttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm a nice guy. I'm a very nice guy." Meredith opened her mouth to reply, but fell silent at the sound of the doorknob turning.

"Just be civil," she hissed under her breath, turning around as the door opened, and Josh stepped into the room. "Josh!" she continued, smiling warmly up at him.

"Meredith," he answered, smiling as well as he walked over to them. "It's good to see you again. You look great." He glanced down at her stomach, adding, "And you've grown. A lot." Meredith wrinkled her nose, nodding in agreement.

"I know." Looking down at her stomach as well, she let her hand settle over its curve. She felt Derek's own hand come to rest on her shoulder in a gesture that was both protective and a bit possessive, and she glanced back up, smiling awkwardly back and forth at the two men. "Um yeah," she continued. "Things have been good for a change. They've been really good. I'm happy."

"That's great," replied Josh, but his attention had shifted to focus on the man standing beside her, his eyes darkening ever so slightly as his expression grew skeptical. "And this is…?" he prompted, causing Meredith to once again whirl around to look up at Derek.

"Right, uh Josh…this is my boyfriend Derek."

"Oh." Josh nodded, not looking all that surprised by the introduction. "So this is the infamous Derek," he teased, grinning at her despite the fact that the smile didn't quite make it to his eyes. Meredith winced, realizing that Josh had no reason to think well of the man who had finally come to an appointment with her. All Josh knew about Derek came from explanations she had given him that were accompanied by relentless tears and hazy damning details about a wife.

"Uh yeah," she said quietly. "That'd be him." Growing slightly nervous, she glanced back up at Derek, catching sight of the scowl that was now scrawled clearly across his brow. "And Derek," she continued, their eyes locking briefly. "That's Josh."

"Right, hello," said Derek, his voice low and terse. "You're the one who kissed my girlfriend."

"Derek!" hissed Meredith, glaring at him before turning to shoot Josh an apologetic grimace. "Sorry. He, uh…"

"She wasn't your girlfriend at the time," replied Josh, looking over Meredith's head as his initial burst of astonishment at the unexpected comment faded away.

"You know…that's a long story," stammered Meredith apprehensively, once again glancing back and forth between the two men. "It's in the past, and the past is…good. And we should just leave it there. Don't go digging up the thing." However, both men seemed not to hear her; still caught up in regarding each other with what amounted to cold distaste at best.

"She was still pregnant with my child at the time," said Derek sharply, his voice growing low and hinting at anger. He was having a hard time finding anything at all redeemable about the man standing in front of them, and he folded his arms across his chest, chin jutting out and his eyes not leaving Josh's face for an instant.

However, Josh glanced down at the chart he held in his hands, nodding thoughtfully. "Right…" Looking back up, he added, "And you were with your wife." Derek turned incredulously to where Meredith had been standing, shocked at just how much her doctor seemed to know, only to find that she had walked away. She was seated on the edge of the exam table, swinging her legs back and forth while scowling at the floor.

"Mer," he said, crossing quickly over to her only to find her avoiding his eyes. "Meredith," he tried again, running a hand over her arm, fingers looping around her tiny wrist. "Come on," he coaxed. "Look at me." Reluctantly, she sighed, and turned her head towards him.

"Are you two through?" she asked, her words heavy with exhaustion.

"Yes. Sorry," mumbled Derek sheepishly, pulling her to him and kissing her quickly yet pointedly. "I'll behave."

"Thank you," she said dryly, her gaze returning once again to the floor.

"Sorry," agreed Josh, offering Meredith his own apology before resuming his perusal of her chart. Meredith nodded, satisfied, yet still feeling tense over the situation. Josh cleared his throat, dropping easily into the chair that waited in front of the table. "Should we go ahead and get started then?" he asked, and she nodded once more. Growing suddenly shy, she ducked her head and stretched her hand out to Derek, pulling him down into the remaining chair that stood to her right. "So, Seattle Grace faxed over your updated history," said Josh, thumbing through the thick addition to her file. "And it looks like you had quite the scare a little under a month ago."

Meredith's eyes clouded over as her hands moved instinctively to her stomach, the memory still paining her and filling her with a sharp fear. "Yeah," she whispered, swallowing to ease the sudden dryness that was assaulting her throat. "It was…not good." Derek reached over, squeezing her hand reassuringly, and, as he did, the tension within her zeroed in on the sensation of his skin against her own, and she held his hand in an almost vice-like grip.

"No…it wasn't good," agreed Josh, closing her file and looking up, his expression growing serious. "Meredith," he began gently. "I'm not saying this to frighten you, but you really should be seeing a specialist now. Not me. It'd just be a precaution, because you seem to be doing great, but…the extra stress your body went through has technically put you at higher risk for future complications." He looked worriedly at her, hoping that his words hadn't alarmed her, only to find Derek glaring at him; annoyed that the man was reminding Meredith of the pain she had been through.

"We know that," he said flatly. "We're switching to a specialist."

Meredith swallowed again, finally finding her voice. "Yeah," she said weakly, trying to block out the possibility of anything else going wrong with her pregnancy. "We are. It's just…I go back to work in two days, and I didn't want to go without someone checking on the baby. Besides…" She shrugged, tilting her head to the side, and offering him a smile. "I didn't want to just tell you I was switching doctors through your secretary. Not since you've been so great about things."

Josh grinned at her, shaking his head. "It was nothing, but that was very sweet of you."

"She's always like that," said Derek, his voice territorial yet also filled with pride. "Meredith's a very sweet person." She turned to look at him at that, torn between smiling and scolding him with her eyes. She sighed as his arm lifted up to wrap around her waist, giving in to the urge to smile for a moment, before clearing her throat and pushing his hand away.

"So umm," she began tentatively, turning back towards Josh.

"So," echoed Josh, a warm smile shooting across his face as he got to his feet. "I'm going to have a nurse come in and do your bloodwork. And when that's done, we'll do an ultrasound. See how everything's doing in there, okay?" He scanned her face carefully, and was relieved to find her once again smiling and nodding her head.

"Okay," she agreed before glancing down at Derek, her eyes drifting down to where he was entwining her fingers with his. "What?" she asked quietly, but he just shrugged.

"Nothing," he said before turning and flashing Josh an empty grin as the other man opened the door to exit the room. "Take your time, doc." Rolling her eyes, Meredith turned back to Derek, loosing her fingers to flick him on the arm. "Oww," he said indignantly. "What was that for?"

"That's for this thing you've been doing," she replied, her voice hinting at annoyance as she wrinkled her nose at him.

Derek just frowned in confusion, grinning at her. "What thing?"

"Oh don't even," she continued, pointing her finger at his chest. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. This thing you're doing with the peeing all over your territory. He gets it. I'm with you." She gestured blatantly down at her protruding stomach, adding, "I think it's pretty obvious."

"I was not," began Derek indignantly, halting abruptly as the door opened again, and a nurse came walking in. Lowering his voice, he continued. "I was not peeing all over my territory." Meredith smiled politely at the nurse, handing over her right arm for the blood to be drawn, before turning back to Derek.

"Right. Of course you weren't. Whatever you say Derek." Her voice was mingled amusement and disbelief, her lips curving upward into a broad smile. "I'm just saying you don't need to be jealous. Just throwing the comment out there."

"Uh huh. I see," replied Derek, blue eyes sparkling as he reached out, playing with a loose strand of her hair. "Well, that would be good to know _if _I were jealous. Which I'm not. At all." He spoke slowly, his face inching closer and closer to hers with every word. Sighing softly, Meredith leaned forward as well, her forehead coming to rest against his.

"Of course you're not," she agreed in a voice that was a world away from agreement, offering Derek a slow smile before suddenly drawing back, her breath hissing past her lips as the nurse slid the needle into her vein.

"What?" asked Derek immediately, searching her eyes.

"It's nothing," said Meredith, recovering quickly from the short stab of pain. "It was just the needle."

Derek leaned forward, his voice growing gentle as he ran a hand through her hair. "It hurts?" Meredith glanced over her shoulder, watching as the nurse removed the needle, sealing the small vials of blood shut one by one and setting them in her cart.

"A little," she allowed, shifting gingerly as the nurse pulled off the tourniquet with a single sharp tug. Derek frowned at that, and reached out, carefully moving her arm towards himself and away from the nurse, leaning forward to study the slightly bloodied skin at the crook of her arm.

"Um…I have to…" began the nurse uncertainly, holding up a band-aid. Meredith glanced up at the woman, reluctant to move her arm away from the soothing brush of Derek's fingertips against her skin, running over her newly sore muscle.

"Here," said Meredith, stretching out her other hand for the band-aid. "He can do it." She tilted her head towards Derek, who nodded in agreement. However, the nurse simply looked skeptical, keeping the bandage clasped tightly within her grip.

"Are you sure?" she asked, prompting Meredith to roll her eyes in poorly concealed disbelief.

"He's a neurosurgeon," she said flatly. "I think he can figure out a freaking band-aid." The nurse colored slightly--handing over the bandage without a word--and promptly left the room.

"_You_ are very cranky today," observed Derek, standing up to lean against the exam table, easing her arm closer to him.

"No…it's just," stammered Meredith uncertainly, feeling some of her unexplainable frustration melt away as his fingers continued to run soothingly over her skin. "Okay fine," she admitted, giving in as he turned to look at her--his eyes dark and skeptical. "Maybe a little bit." Chewing on her lip, she added a mumbled, "sorry," prompting Derek to smile at her once again.

"It's fine. It's adorable," he replied, already pulling the band-aid out of its wrapper. His smile faded as he returned his attention to her arm, his expression morphing into a noticeable frown. Derek brushed his fingers over the skin that bloomed in blues and purples outward from the tiny red hole where the needle had been. "Look at that," he said, his voice frustrated. "That nurse… There's already some bruising."

"It's not that bad," said Meredith gently, but Derek shook his head.

"It's more than necessary," he continued, smoothing the band-aid over her arm. "Figures the guy would hire incompetent nurses."

"Derek," said Meredith, rolling her eyes at him as she tilted her head to the side. "She wasn't incompetent."

"Well, I wouldn't have given you a bruise," said Derek indignantly.

Meredith just shrugged. "And you're also not a nurse."

They leaned closer together--Derek's hand still lingering protectively over her arm--as their mouths twitched and turned and curved upward into identical smiles, their eyes shining with amusement. They didn't say anything for a long moment, simply sitting together as Meredith leaned into him. She closed her eyes, wanting to drink in the feeling of having Derek so close to her, so completely there for her; her darker half filing it carefully away in the far recesses of her memory in case perfection once again failed to last for her. The exam room was so inconsequential, so utterly non intimidating compared to how it had felt on previous visits, and it was all due to the warm hand linked closely with her own, and the low reassuring sound of Derek's breathing as he leaned forward, pressing his lips to the top of her head. She glanced up at him suddenly, her eyes growing excited at a sudden realization.

"You finally get to see the baby," she whispered, unable to keep from grinning.

"I know," he agreed, looking absolutely excited over the idea himself. "I get to see the baby." Derek smiled--the blue of his eyes seeming to splinter out into a hundred colors as Meredith stared up into them--her hand reaching out to find his, and place it over their stirring child, the small motions running like electricity through his fingertips. And they stood like that; unwilling to look away, and not needing to speak, until the door to the exam room opened once more, jerking them back to reality. Derek frowned, but didn't say anything. He simply followed the other man meticulously with his eyes, his expression dark and brooding as he watched Josh set up the ultrasound machine, and spread a cool layer of gel over Meredith's stomach. Meredith wasn't saying a word either, simply laying back with her eyes closed as she tried to ignore the heavy tension that was once again building within the room. But after a moment, Josh's voice pierced the air, and her eyes flew back open.

"There's your baby," he said quietly, adjusting the screen slightly so she could see it from her position.

"There," echoed Meredith, tilting her head back to stare up at Derek. The pale quietness to her features had vanished suddenly; as if a veil had been torn back, leaving her to beam at Derek, her face close to glowing, and her green eyes radiant. At the sight of her expression, he felt his own scowl melting away, and his breath drew in sharp due as much to her smile as to finally seeing the scratchy image of their child. "Derek look," she urged, suddenly tugging on his arm in a manner that was positively childlike.

"I'm looking," he murmured, leaning forward and resting his chin against the top of her head as he took in every tiny detail displayed on the monitor. His eyes filled with awe as he stared at the visual depiction of the life that grew inside the woman he loved, a wonderfully calm feeling washing over him. "It's our baby Mer," he said gently, his voice low and unable to say anything more; caught up in staring at the perfect shape of the tiny child.

Josh looked up, smiling warmly at them. "At first glance, everything looks good," he said reassuringly, scribbling a note on Meredith's chart as he wrote. She nodded, letting out a soft sigh of relief. "I'm going to go ahead and run a few tests to make sure everything's developing properly, so Meredith, you just lay there and relax, okay?" She nodded wordlessly, her eyes still riveted to the screen. The room fell back into silence once again, but this time there was a gentle hush to the quiet, softened immeasurably by the faint yet tender smile that lingered on Meredith's face, intensifying in her eyes. After several long minutes, she finally tore her eyes from the screen. Shifting slightly, she turned to stare up at Derek, only to find his expression a perfect echo of her own.

"Hey," he said quietly as he felt her eyes on him. He smiled down at her, tracing his thumb slowly along the smooth pale curve of her jaw line. "We're having a baby." Meredith nodded her head, reaching up to wrap her slender fingers around his wrist, holding on tight. She felt almost as if she were floating, suspended somewhere high and perfect where everything was safe; beautiful in a way she hadn't imagined possible. Its perfection made it feel fragile--easily breakable-- and she clung to Derek's voice, trying to dull her usual doubts with his presence as she reminded herself of every promise he had made her. Noticing the somber light to her eyes that lingered beneath her smile, Derek drew his thumb from her jaw line up across her lip, frowning softly at her. "Are you okay?" he asked, trying to sift through the layers she lived her life in, and find the bottom one; that one small sliver that was completely her and exquisitely hidden.

But Meredith just brightened her smile, nodding her head reassuringly. "I'm fine," she said, looking away from him to stare at the screen, watching as Josh carefully studied the ultrasound. Derek sighed, knowing instinctively that she was avoiding his question, but he didn't feel like pushing the issue with Josh in the room. He simply stood in silence, his gaze drifting back and forth between the image of their child and the sight of Meredith's fingers still gripping his wrist.

Finally, she looked back at him. She had pulled herself away from the strangely vulnerable place she had drifted to, and was grinning at him a little anxiously. "So…" she began slowly, biting down on the center of her lower lip as if embarrassed.

"So…?" echoed Derek curiously.

"So we have to do…stuff," answered Meredith as Derek frowned, her vagueness confusing him.

"Okay. What kind of stuff?" He tilted his head to the side, brushing his fingertips against her chin, his expression curious.

Meredith's eyes grew veiled, and she grinned at him almost wickedly before shrugging, and saying, "Baby stuff." She wrinkled her nose and glanced back at the screen--smiling at her child--before turning back to Derek. "Like a crib, I guess. And bottles. Just, stuff…" She trailed off, her voice becoming suddenly uncertain as she searched Derek's eyes. "If you want to," she amended quietly. "If you don't want to, that's fine. I can just order stuff online, or maybe I…"

"Meredith," interrupted Derek, stopping her before she could stammer out further anxious possibilities. "Of course I want to."

"You do?" For a moment, she looked genuinely surprised, but managed to quickly swallow her astonishment as Derek nodded his head.

"Of course I do."

"Okay," she said quietly. "In that case, we should probably get diapers too. Apparently we'll need lots of those." She smiled wryly at him, eyes flashing, and Derek grinned in response.

"So I've heard." Meredith rolled her eyes, suddenly laughing and relaxing once again, however, her fingers didn't loosen their grip on Derek's wrist in the slightest.

"Well, I'm pretty much done here…" Josh's voice came suddenly into their conversation, and Meredith turned to find him writing a final note in her chart.

"And…?" Meredith asked apprehensively, trying to guess at whether anything was wrong with her child by the set of Josh's jaw alone. Before she could make up her mind, he looked back up, shooting her a reassuring grin.

"And everything looks great," he said. "The baby's a little small, but that's to be expected with the stress you were under." Meredith nodded, unconsciously digging her nails into Derek's wrist. He simply lifted his free hand in response, smoothing her hair out of her face. "Just make sure you're eating enough," continued Josh, closing her chart with a heavy snap. "Especially since you're about to go back to work."

"Okay," agreed Meredith quietly.

Josh nodded his head, brown eyes brightening warmly. "That's it then, unless you wanted to know the sex of the baby?"

"Oh, we already know," said Derek brusquely as he leaned down, and helped Meredith sit back up.

"Of course. Right, you had an ultrasound at Seattle Grace," said Josh, nodding again as Meredith shook her head.

"We don't know." She frowned up at Derek, narrowing her eyes. "Derek, what are you talking about? Did you look in the file without me?"

"No." He shook his head, a smug grin playing at the corners of his mouth. "But we've been staring at the ultrasound for half an hour. You _don't _know?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"I think I do," she snapped, folding her arms over her chest. "But I wasn't trying to read the ultrasound. I just have a feeling." She turned back to Josh, smiling politely. "Derek doesn't know, but we'd like to know."

"Oh," said Josh, the faintest hint of a smirk shadowing his face. "Okay."

"I know," said Derek indignantly.

Meredith grinned, and looked up at him. "Since when does neurosurgery involve reading fetal ultrasounds?" she asked, giggling softly as she tilted her head to the side.

"I can read an ultrasound," he replied, leaning forward and smirking at her. "Maybe he can't," he added in a low voice, tilting his head towards Josh. "But _I _can." Meredith rolled her eyes, whacking him in the chest.

"Derek…" she intoned, pursing her lips together. He just shrugged and grinned again, turning to look at Josh, who had a thin polite veneer of a smile spread across his face.

"Well, she's only at twenty-one weeks, so don't worry if you can't," he interjected, his voice taking on a rough edge that equaled Derek's. Meredith glanced back and forth between the two men who had once again resumed glaring at each other, before letting out a frustrated sigh, and flopping back against the textured surface of the exam table.

"It's a girl," she snapped, her voice heavy and tinged with annoyance. Her comment was met with a stunned silence as both men turned to look at her. The lack of reply unsettled her, and she started to doubt what she had been suspecting. Her eyes flew back open, and she glared up at them. "Right?"

They both nodded their heads. "It's a girl," they said in unison.

"See? Told you I had a feeling," muttered Meredith, tugging on her gown before sliding from the exam table, her feet reaching down to find the floor.

"You did," agreed Josh, his expression brightening once again into a slightly crooked grin. "Congratulations." Meredith just nodded, twisting a strand of her hair around her finger. "Anyway," he continued, glancing back and forth between her and Derek. "You're good to go. It was great to see you again Meredith." He reached his hand out to shake hers, but she rolled her eyes, and stepped forward onto her tiptoes, pulling him into a quick and slightly unbalanced hug.

"Sorry he was kind of an ass," she breathed in a faint hush of a whisper, still wincing at the memory of the past forty minutes. But Josh just shook his head, straightening back up and squeezing her arm reassuringly.

"Alright," he continued, heading towards the door. "Good luck with your daughter." He smiled fondly at Meredith, his brown eyes warm as he added, "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

Derek's expression--which had turned into an angry scowl at the sight of them hugging--darkened immeasurably at that. "She won't need anything," he answered shortly. Meredith frowned as well, raising her voice to speak over him.

"Thanks Josh," she said with a smile as he nodded his goodbye. A moment later, the door closed with a sharp click, and Meredith whirled around to glare at Derek, her green eyes close to blazing. "Well that was charming, really," she said crossly.

Derek just nodded. "I thought so, yes," he answered, his mouth contorting into a pleased smirk. Meredith's eyebrows rose high in frustration, and she stepped back from him, reaching around to yank fiercely on the ties to her gown. After watching her struggle for a few minutes, Derek walked around behind her, easing the strings from her fingers.

"I can do it," she said, her voice indignant, but Derek just smiled and shook his head.

"Not very well." Meredith sighed, knowing it wasn't worth protesting when it was impossibly difficult to reach around and undo the knots behind her back. Derek worked quickly, sliding the gown down to reveal bare shoulders as she glowered resolutely at the floor. "Mer," he tried as she stepped completely out of the gown, and moved to pull on her street clothes. She turned back around to look at him, but didn't say anything. "Ah…now you're mad at me," he continued, smiling at her. Meredith's eyes just darkened as she slid her feet into her shoes. Folding her arms over her stomach, she stared up at him, her lower lip jutting out slightly. Derek sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Come on. I'm sorry. I was an ass."

"You were," agreed Meredith, finally replying. "Josh was just doing his job. And the kissing…he didn't do it to hurt you." A frown was still tugging on the corners of Derek's mouth, but it lessened slightly at the sound of her voice, and he forced himself to nod despite his own opinion of the doctor. He stretched his hand out to her, sighing inwardly with relief when she accepted it, letting him pull her close. She stared up at him uncertainly, her annoyance melting away as he laced his fingers with hers, his thumb tracing small circles on the back of her hand.

"Sorry," he mumbled, leaning forward and brushing his lips against hers.

"Okay," she whispered back quietly, speaking into his mouth. Meredith let her lips linger there, kissing him slowly, before suddenly drawing back to look up at him. "Derek…" she said, her voice growing light as she stared into his eyes.

He nodded his head, grinning in response to her sudden smile. "Meredith?"

"We're having a daughter." As she stared up at him, the reality finally started to settle in, and she found herself unable to keep from throwing her head back, laughing in a sudden unexpected burst of excitement. Derek's lips pressed against the newly exposed curve of her neck before he lifted her easily in his arms, spinning her so that her hair became a golden flag flying back over her shoulders.

"I know," he agreed, his voice low and happy as he pulled her close to him, setting her carefully back down on the ground. His voice was an excited perfect echo of her own. "We're having a daughter."

-----

_And yeah…where to start? I have no clue. I do have the desire to ramble endlessly tonight though, so...feel free to just stop reading now. I'm about to say nothing of import whatsoever. But anyway, I guess I start at the beginning. Let's see…Derek is excited about the baby. Very much so. The guy reads baby books, and then makes his girlfriend crappy breakfast (sorry, I'm not an oatmeal girl, so neither is Mer) because he wants the baby to have good food. And, Izzie and George were there again, and they've warmed up to him a bit since the last time they saw him because well, he's pretty much living with them now, and they need to make that manageable. Besides, they love Mer, and Mer loves Der, and that means they're going to try to be this big messy family with breakfast and everything. And you know, Mer/Der just got back together, and so they're still largely in the happy stage of being back together. So, they needed something that was fairly lighthearted and fun. Except of course for the Dr. McBabies portion of the meal._

_Because yes, Mer had a brief but genuine friendship with the guy, and she didn't see the point in canceling this appointment she'd made way back before she'd gotten sick. Only of course, Derek is coming. And, he is not a fan of Josh. At all. In fact, he pretty much hates the man on principle. Because Derek…I don't care what he says about not getting jealous. He is ridiculously jealous of any other man being with Meredith. And so, at Josh's office, Derek is a bit of an ass. Even though Mer was really, really hoping that he'd behave himself, especially since Josh had no idea Derek knew about the kiss, no idea that Mer/Der were reunited, he pretty much just had angry Derek sprung on him. And, Derek sorta, kinda tried to behave himself occasionally. But not really. Because Josh kissed Meredith, and, while he's gotten past the Meredith kissing Josh part of the equation, he's definitely not past the Josh kissing Meredith portion. And, he has no real reason to try to, so…he's not exactly friendly to the guy. But, Josh does stand up for himself a bit because while he did kiss Mer, she was single and Derek was married. And he's kinda annoyed that Mer is with Derek because all he knows about the guy is that he lied to Mer about his wife, got her pregnant, and then proceeded to live with his wife for months, making Mer miserable. And, he adores Mer. So yeah…a bit of a clash there, which ends up really getting to Mer by the end._

_And…what else? Meredith is doing pretty good. She's happy, and she's got Derek. However, she's not used to simply having everything fall into place, and she's having a hard time simply believing that it has. Doubts keep springing up in her mind, and part of her is very much in the mindset of oh, well…better enjoy this now because who knows how long it'll last. Because it takes time to rebuild all that trust that got broken, to completely erase all the pain she was put through while Derek tried with Addison. However, they're moving in the right direction. And…they're having a girl. Hee! And, even in the midst of everything else with the Josh/Derek drama and Mer's own issues, they're very happy. They're giddy. _

_That's about it. Sorry I rambled soooo much tonight. I think it's because my brain is still broken from yesterday night. Which…oh my god…Grey's. You are awesome. Tres, tres awesome. Hee… Thanks so much for reading!_


	25. Opposite Directions

_So first of all, this update took forever. I know, and I'm sorry! I've never tried to write during sweeps before, and well…Shonda threw Mer in the water, nearly drowned her, made her hypothermic, and then left us with her flatlining. And just…gah, Mer! Poor Mer. It's one thing to write about Mer/Der when on the show their only problems are snoring and silly little things, but when Meredith is dying? Well, it was much harder to pull my mind away from what was happening on the show, and get it to focus on what's happening in my fic. However, I bribed myself to write with many leftover Valentine's chocolates, and so I've finally gotten the chapter done. (However, I still have a desperate need for it to be Thursday, and for Mer to make it.)_

_Anyway, this chapter moves forward a few days to get to Meredith's first day back at work. That's about all you need to know for this, so just…thanks to everyone who's been taking the time to review. I really appreciate it so much. Enjoy! _

-----  
_We keep ourselves moving  
In opposite directions  
-----_

Meredith ran her hand over the familiar pale blue fabric of her scrubs, trying to ignore the way her fingers were trembling slightly. It felt strange to be back at work after so many weeks away, but, at the same time, it felt exhilarating. The back of her mind was already humming with the prospect of surgery, of scrubbing in, of finally getting back inside an OR. However, despite having gone straight from the locker room to Richard's office, Meredith had already found herself on the receiving end of more curious glances and hushed whispers than she had during the entire scandalized flurry of days following Addison's arrival in Seattle. It was unsettling, and that, coupled with the fact that she was starting her first day back in a meeting with both Bailey and the Chief, was serving to put a damper on her excitement. Clenching her fingers into a fist, she pulled them away from fiddling with her scrubs, and forced herself to look back up with what she hoped was a calm professional smile.

"And you're feeling alright?" Richard asked, his dark eyes serious.

"Um…yeah." Meredith gave a quick nod, her hands already back to fidgeting with her clothes. "I saw a doctor a few days ago. Everything's good. I can be back working."

"Good. And you understand the schedule?" he continued, once again referencing the papers that lay spread on the table between the three of them. Meredith's eyes narrowed instinctively as she stared down at the chart that listed the hours for all of Bailey's interns during the week. She chewed on the corner of her lip, trying not to mind the fact that hers had been completely cut in half.

"Grey?" prompted Bailey, her tone slightly cautionary as she picked up on the hint of displeasure in Meredith's expression. The younger woman forced a tightlipped smile across her face, and turned to her resident.

"What? I mean, yes, Dr. Bailey…Chief," she added as she looked towards Richard. "Forty hours. I understand."

"And not a minute more," said Bailey, looking at her sternly. Meredith gave a meek resigned nod of her head, resolutely determined to try and not care about just how far she was falling behind.

"Less if you need to," continued Richard, his voice suddenly growing low and almost fatherly. "Forty hours is your maximum, not your requirement. Take breaks if you need them. Go home if you need to." Meredith nodded again, feeling as if her entire self was tinged with reluctance as her mind kept up its insistent hum of longing for the OR. "Meredith…" He raised his voice, seeming to see straight through to her poorly veiled unwillingness. She wasn't sure why this suddenly felt so frustrating; she had known the stifling forty hour limit was coming for weeks now. It had seemed bearable then when she sat at home, but now back at work and actually within Richard's office, all Meredith could see was just how far behind she was about to fall. It wouldn't simply be weeks. It would be entire months. She would still be an intern when all of her friends were residents. She was getting left behind. Sighing, she turned away, leaning against her hand as she stared out the window.

"I know this is frustrating," said Bailey quietly, speaking with an uncommon gentleness. "You're just as surgery hungry as the rest of my fools. But you have your whole life to do this. You don't need to rush here. And if you push yourself too hard, and hurt your baby for a surgery, you _will _regret it."

Meredith nodded once more, feeling herself giving in a little to the truth in her words. "Daughter," she said softly.

"What?" Richard looked up--not quite following--as a puzzled frown spread across his brow.

"It's a…it's a girl," she stammered, smiling anxiously as she tucked her hair back behind her ears. "We just found out."

"Well congratulations Meredith," he said warmly as Bailey echoed his sentiments. "You'll make a great mother to her." Meredith colored slightly at that and looked away, hiding her uncertainty by staring at her shoes as she followed Richard to his feet, his gesture signaling the end to the meeting.

"Thanks," she mumbled in a low voice, self-consciously smoothing her scrubs down over her stomach.

"Doctors, now if you'll excuse me, I have another meeting to make it to," said Richard, and, within a minute, he was heading out the door in an efficient administrative flurry, leaving Meredith and Bailey to make their own way out.

"Umm…Dr. Bailey," began Meredith tentatively as the two women walked across the bridge. She glanced down at her boss, who prompted her to continue with a brisk nod of her head. "Where do you want me working today?"

"Dr. Shepherd requested you," Bailey answered flatly, arms crossed over her chest.

"Oh…" Meredith smiled, unable to hide her eagerness at getting to see him all day. He'd left for an early surgery before she had quite woken up, and so her only time with him so far had been a quick, sleep-filled kiss. However, Bailey raised her eyebrows skeptically at Meredith's delighted expression, and the younger woman's smile quickly faltered. "I'm gonna…I'm gonna go find Dr. Shepherd right now then," she added quickly, unable to determine whether her resident was annoyed or amused. But when Bailey simply smirked and nodded her head, she decided it was the latter, and breathed a sigh of relief as she hurried off to find Derek.

It didn't take her that long to find him, but the few minutes she spent looking felt endless. Every step she took seemed to turn some new head in her direction, and she swore she could hear a faint trail of whispering voices following after her. Adjusting her lab coat self-consciously, Meredith slid up to where Derek leaned against the nurses' station, his pen scratching a dark inky path across the surface of a chart. "Hey…" she breathed, minding the staring nurses a little less as Derek turned towards her voice, grinning at her.

"Hey," he echoed as he reached out, tracing his thumb over the smooth surface of her hand. "How's my favorite intern? How'd the meeting go?"

Meredith shrugged, running the hand that wasn't looped loosely around Derek's wrist back through her hair. "Good," she said shortly, her voice thin and unconvincing. Derek's eyes darkened instantly, searching her face as he stepped closer to her. Frowning, she turned away from his careful scrutiny, only to catch a glimpse of yet another group of nurses speaking in hushed voices as their eyes flitted continually towards her and her now obvious belly. She sighed and turned back to Derek, shaking her head.

"What?" he asked, his voice quiet.

Meredith shrugged again, pulling her hand away from his to cross her arms tightly above her stomach. "Nothing."

"Meredith," he pressed, his eyes still focused intently on hers, trying to decipher the reason behind her frown. "What's wrong? Are you tired? Was it the meeting?" She gave a sharp shake of her head; unsure of how to explain the intense knot within her that kept reminding her how far ahead her friends were going to move through the program before the baby was even born. There was a core of loneliness, regret, and frustration there that she didn't understand, and so Meredith turned towards the simpler problem, using it explain away her expression.

"I just don't like being stared at," she said tersely.

Derek just frowned, his eyebrows drawing together in a marked display of confusion. "Oh, now you don't want me to stare at you?" he asked, his voice teasing.

"Not you," muttered Meredith as she rolled her eyes. "Everybody else. _Everybody _is staring at me." Her gaze darted back towards the gaggle of women that still lingered on the opposite side of the nurses' station, watching her in between brief bursts of whispered conversation.

"What?" Derek looked genuinely surprised, his frown disappearing into a grin at the almost melodramatic note to her words. "Nobody's staring at you," he said dismissively, failing to pick up on the women across from them.

"Yeah they are," replied Meredith, her voice tired, and already starting to fill with annoyance. "It's even worse than it was in the morning because I'm with you now."

"Huh?"

Derek seemed unable to follow her train of thought as quickly as she wanted, and that only served to intensify the prickling feeling within her, leading her to roll her eyes once again. Speaking dryly, she added, "They're probably hoping we're going to do something shocking."

"Shocking?" echoed Derek, leaning towards her, his voice still light and amused. "And what exactly did you have in mind, Dr. Grey?" But Meredith's features only darkened further, her lips drawing quickly into a thin line as her eyes flashed. Derek relented, and offered her an apologetic smile. "Mer," he tried quietly. "Who's staring at you?"

"Everyone," she snapped, knowing that she was being dramatic, but not really caring. She had been looking forward to returning to work, but it had barely been two hours, and she already found herself full of a heavy frustrated feeling. Derek's expression started to turn skeptical, and Meredith whirled about to point out the nurses, only to find that they had finally dispersed. Heaving an aggravated sigh, she shook her head, and glanced back up at him. "Whatever," she muttered quietly. "It's nothing."

Derek's eyes were quiet as he nodded, wordlessly leading her away from the long counter and down the hall towards their patient. He could feel the frustration radiating out from her, see it in the way she scuffed her shoes against the floor as she walked, hear it in the sudden shallowness to her breathing. Staring at her bent head, Derek opened his mouth only to close it again, frowning uncertainly as he ran a hand through his hair. Meredith had always seemed to understand the hospital's tendency to come alive over gossip before, and he was having a hard time assigning her current mood solely to the actions of a few nosey nurses. Filled with an overpowering desire to protect her, he wanted desperately to drop her off in the nearest on-call room, so that she could sleep and rest, and he could be reassured that she was okay. However, he knew without asking just what sort of reaction that would provoke in Meredith, and so he kept walking, smiling down at her as he did his best to cheer her up. "If they're staring at you, it's only because you're glowing."

Meredith's head snapped up at that, her green eyes flashing as sharp as her voice. "What?"

"You…" said Derek, tilting his head to the side as he continued to smile down at her, his attention lingering on her curling lips and the indignant way in which she snapped her eyes open--dark lashes stark and straight against pale skin. "Glow…"

"I do not," argued Meredith, her voice growing as incensed as her eyes.

"You do." Derek stretched his hand out to run down the lengths of the loose waves framing her face, seeming not to mind that they were in the middle of a crowded hospital. "It's lovely, and they're jealous," he continued as Meredith's face contorted into a definite scowl. Moving from her hair, he traced the outline of her lips, letting his finger come to rest in the very middle as he shook his head, a brief hint of an amused grin brightening his face. "And even when you try and frown, you're still glowing," he concluded, causing Meredith's eyes to flash even darker before she found the low sounds of his voice pulling on her, forcing her mouth up into a begrudging smile.

"Whatever," she muttered, smirking slightly as she reached up and pulled his hand from her lips. "I don't glow." Still, she tightened her grip on his fingers-squeezing them closely--before letting go, and gesturing towards the door he had stopped in front of. "The patient?" she asked with a jerk of her head.

"The patient," Derek agreed, pushing the door open for her, and following behind into the room. He gestured almost grandly towards a middle-aged man propped up in one of the familiar hospital beds, his right hand draped casually over the remote and his attention directed towards the television mounted near the top of the wall. "This is Mr. Harper." The man looked up at his words, muting the television and turning towards the doctors.

"Morning," he answered warmly, lifting both his hand and the remote in greeting. "And please, call me Roger."

"Hello Roger," responded Meredith, smiling at him before focusing on the chart Derek had passed her.

"And this is Dr. Grey," continued Derek, making his way over towards the older man. "She's going to be working with you today." The two men chatted amicably for a few minutes as Meredith perused the file, before her voice intruded into the conversation.

"Uh…Dr. Shepherd," she began quietly, tracing her tongue absently over her lips as she stared down at the chart, shaking her head. "You want me to…prep him? Because, he already had surgery…" She trailed off, flipping through the pages in search of the exact date.

"On the ninth," supplied Derek as he nodded, sending dark strands of hair falling forward to shadow his eyes.

"Okay…" Meredith scratched her head, glancing back up at Derek. "Yeah…so, you want me to?" Her expression was mingled curiosity and confusion as she racked her brain for an explanation--trying to figure out just what sort of care this man needed when his surgery had been well over a week ago.

"I want you to monitor him," said Derek simply.

"To monitor him…" Meredith glanced over at the one remaining monitor the patient was still hooked up to, arching an eyebrow high in a quiet display of skepticism. "He's been stable for days now. Are you sure…I mean…" She chewed on her lip, frowning up at Derek. "Am I missing something here, Dr. Shepherd?" she asked, once again ruffling through the chart, fearing that she was overlooking something crucial.

But Derek just shook his head, grinning at her. "Not at all. Just sit and relax, and put your feet up in that very comfortable chair, and monitor him." He gestured towards the rather large reclining chair that rested beside the bed, within easy reach of the monitor. "Roger's very friendly," he added helpfully as Meredith's jaw clenched, something clicking into place within her mind.

"Der…" she began angrily, before catching herself. She swallowed hard, offering Roger a tightlipped smile, before swinging her eyes straight back towards Derek. "Dr. Shepherd, may I speak to you outside for a moment?" she asked, her voice full of politeness, yet tinged with something much colder. Derek simply nodded his head, and followed her out into the hallway, closing the door behind them.

"What?" he asked, leaning against the wall as he looked down at her. Meredith shook her head in disbelief, pacing back and forth in front of him as she yanked her fingers through her hair.

"You," she declared as she suddenly stopped her pacing, and pivoted around to face him. "You want me to monitor one patient? One patient who, I might add, had surgery over a week ago, and has been stable for several days now… You want me to monitor that one patient all day long? Seriously, Derek?"

"Well, not all day long," said Derek quickly, grinning at her. "Just until three o'clock. Then you and the baby get to go home and rest." Meredith let out a frustrated groan, still shaking her head.

"This is not cute," she snapped, her voice dry and unamused. "I'm not an invalid."

Derek's grin faded into a frown, and he shook his head as well. "Nobody said you were," he answered gently. He reached out a hand to sooth her, but she shied away, still reeling from the prospect of spending an entire day doing nothing when she could be in surgery.

"But the _monitor_ is monitoring him!" spluttered Meredith disbelievingly when Derek failed to say anything more. He shifted uncomfortably, but nodded in agreement.

"Right. And I want you to watch the monitor."

Meredith stepped forward, and shoved the patient's chart towards Derek, reaching out to point at it with a slender finger. "He's getting discharged tomorrow," she said. "Why would he possibly need constant monitoring at this point?" Her voice was full of an indignant frustration she would never usually dare direct at one of her attendings, but all she could see when she glanced down at the perfectly clean labs and detailed reports of stable vitals she was holding was a waste of time. It was pointless, utterly pointless, and she was at a loss as to why Derek was trying to waste her time so completely.

Derek's expression darkened to match Meredith's, and he took the chart from her, flipping it shut in one easy seamless motion. "Brain surgery takes a lot out of the patient," he said evenly. "And Mr. Harper was having headaches yesterday, so I'd like him monitored carefully before we send him home. Do you have a problem with taking care of your patient, Dr. Grey?" While he knew she was annoyed, Derek couldn't quite bring himself to care; the reassurance of knowing that Meredith would spend the day out of harms way yet still technically working served to dull the effect of her frustrated voice. And so he spoke her name pointedly, filling his own voice with a stern professionalism that made her head spin, and emphasized the fact that she really didn't have a choice.

"No…Dr. Shepherd," she said tersely, the green of her eyes vibrantly angry despite the fact that she kept the rest of her face subdued as she answered him. "I'll get right on that." She reached out and yanked the chart from his hands, refusing to meet his gaze as she spun sharply on her heel, and made her way back into the room. The door slammed shut, and she collapsed against it, still burning within from shock and indignation.

"Umm…Dr. Grey?" came Roger's voice, warm and questioning as he leaned forward in bed to look at her. "Is everything alright?" Meredith's eyes flew back open, and she shook her head.

"No. I mean…yes. It's fine," she muttered, forcing a smile across her face. "Don't mind me," she continued as she crossed over to the chair beside the monitor, and flopped down in it. "You're fine. I'm just here because…" She bit her tongue seconds before volunteering that her boyfriend was an ass, and simply concluded with a bitter, "Whatever."

Several hours passed uneventfully; Meredith alternating between staring at the unchanging monitor, and the flickering colors on the television screen. She spoke very little, choosing instead to focus on turning her frustrations inward, seething in silence. Finally, the door to the room swung open again, and a familiar yet unexpected head poked into the room.

"There you are," said Cristina, kicking the door shut with an absent swing of her leg. "A nurse said you were in here, but…" She shrugged, seeming surprised to discover that Meredith really was doing nothing more than sitting in a chair, staring blankly up at a television. "I was looking for you everywhere." Cristina plopped down into the remaining empty chair, scooting over towards her friend without a second glance at the patient.

"I do have a pager, you know," said Meredith flatly, turning to glower at her.

Cristina just rolled her eyes. "You're very bitter today. Nice… It suits you."

Meredith scoffed, shaking her head as she added, "Yeah…well, you would be too, if Burke were doing this to you." Cristina frowned, and pulled a hand through the tangle of her hair.

"Doing what?"

"_This!_" hissed Meredith, gesturing broadly at the room around her. "It's my first day back, and Derek has me in here just babysitting this guy." She trailed off, and glanced over at Roger, muttering a quick, "Sorry." However the man simply shrugged and smiled good-naturedly, amused by the sudden enraged outburst pouring forth from the small and previously silent woman. "Seriously Cristina," she continued, lowering her voice to a quiet hush as she turned back to her friend. "It's like he thinks I'm going to spontaneously go into labor again just from standing. Of course, he doesn't worry about all the sex, but this…_this_ he worries about. I haven't even ran a freaking lab! Not a single lab."

"I've ran labs all morning," groaned Cristina, leaning back in her chair and stretching her arms high over her head. "My feet no longer have arches." She turned and looked hopefully at Meredith, asking, "Want to switch? I'll sit up here and watch TV with perfectly-healthy-guy." Leaning forward, she addressed Roger. "I'm much less bitter than Meredith," she stated, prompting her friend to turn and glower at her.

"Oh, so what you want is to sit here, and spend hours reading the EKG. An EKG that hasn't once strayed from a normal rhythm in days," spluttered Meredith, shaking her head. Cristina just laughed, an amused smirk twisting her lips upwards.

"That's all you're doing? Seriously? You do realize that if Shepherd asked even one of the nurses to do this, they'd laugh in his face and walk away," she said, grinning at Meredith as the woman returned her smile with a dark frown.

"I know that," she hissed. "But then he goes and calls me Dr. Grey, and what? I'm just supposed to storm off and ignore my attending?" She shook her head, scowling down at the chart in her lap. "I mean seriously," she continued, her voice low and angry as she gave into what had been frustrating her all day. "Do you realize how far behind… I get forty hours a week, Cristina. _Forty_. That's half the practice you guys get, only I'm not even practicing medicine. I'm sitting here, with my feet up, watching TV. I can do this at home. I did do this at home…for two weeks. With better food!" She turned back towards Cristina, who was barely managing to conceal her delighted grin at her friend's ranting. "Derek just goes and requests me, and assigns me this crap. Like he thinks he has the right to just…like he can just…like he's this…" She trailed off, shaking her head sharply as she brushed her hair out of her eyes. "I don't know who he thinks he is," she concluded brusquely.

Cristina tilted her chair back, balancing it effortlessly on the rear legs. "He thinks he's your boss," she said, her voice flat, and full of the knowledge that she was stating the obvious. "And he is. So, suck it up McMommy," she added, leering at her friend in amusement.

"Seriously?" spluttered Meredith, sitting up straight, and turning in her seat to face her friend. "Seriously? I've got nurses talking about me whenever I stick my head out the door, Derek suddenly thinks I'm an invalid, and now you're calling me McMommy? Are you trying to give me an aneurysm here?"

Cristina just shrugged. "Were you this bitter and angry all of your break?" For a brief moment, Meredith's eyes flashed, and her anger seemed to intensify, pushing her close to shouting. But it faded quickly, leaving her to shake her head as she slumped back down, her fierce glare becoming nothing more than a heavy frown.

"No," she said flatly. "But Derek wasn't this much of an ass all break, so…" She shrugged, wrinkling her nose as she propped her chin up with a slender fist.

"Look Mer," sighed Cristina, her voice softening slightly. "The last time you were actually working here, Shepherd watched you collapse and almost lose the baby. Cut him some slack. He's worried about you and McFetus." Meredith hesitated for a moment, seeming to contemplate agreeing. However, the memory of her wasted morning was still stinging, and hard to forget. She swallowed her conflicting emotions, and simply rolled her eyes.

"Whatever," she muttered crossly. "I can't believe you're taking his side."

"More amusing this way," said Cristina with a shrug.

Meredith shook her head, turning away from her friend, and getting up to once again study the pulsing neon lines on the EKG. As she moved, she caught Roger looking at her, his thin mouth twitching up into a curious expression of amusement. "What?" she snapped abruptly before catching herself. Her cheeks colored, and she bit her lip nervously, offering him a small apologetic smile. "Sorry…how are you? Feeling good?" She tapped one small slender finger against the screen of the monitor, adding, "Everything looks good."

"Feeling good," agreed Roger as Meredith looked away, pulling a pen from her scrub pocket to scribble a quick note in his chart. The man cleared his throat, still studying her curiously. "So…excuse me, but you're Dr. Shepherd's…?"

"Girlfriend," supplied Meredith shortly, glancing back up. Clicking her pen, she shoved it back into her pocket, adding, "For now."

"And he's your boss?" continued the patient as Meredith flopped back into her chair. She fought back the urge to roll her eyes, knowing that she could hardly begrudge him his inquisitiveness when she had spent the better part of an hour ranting to Cristina in front of him.

She answered with a small nod of her head. "Yes."

"Well," continued the man, chuckling to himself. "At a guess, I'd say you have a very complicated personal life."

"You could say that," muttered Meredith as Cristina scoffed, grinning widely.

"You don't know the half of it," she said, prompting Meredith to turn and frown at her again.

"Wait…first you're siding with Derek, and now you're ganging up with patients too?" she asked, shaking her head. "You're supposed to call Derek a McBastard, and tell me just how beautifully sane and normal my life is." She pointed her finger at her chest, adding, "You're on my side, remember?"

"Yeah, well…" began Cristina, only to be interrupted by the sound of her pager going off. She yanked it from where it was hooked to the waistband of her scrubs, reluctantly pushing herself to her feet. "Bailey," she muttered before glancing back down at her friend.

"Have fun with that," said Meredith glumly, hoisting her feet up onto the vacated chair. "I'll just be sitting here, trying to remember what an OR looks like." Cristina nodded, offering her a small sympathetic smile before heading out the door to answer her page. As the door clicked shut, Meredith sighed and glanced back over at her patient, fiddling with the strained fabric of her scrub top.

"How many months are you?" asked Roger, prompting Meredith's eyebrows to twitch together in momentary confusion.

"Huh?" She glanced down at her stomach, quickly comprehending what he was asking. "Um…five. Five months." Looking back up, she offered him a shallow smile, lifting both hands to tuck her hair back behind her ears.

"Well congratulations," said the older man, and Meredith nodded.

"Thanks," she said, slipping into awkward conversation with the man that grew less strained as the subject shifted from her and her unborn child to his three children. Roger was a friendly cheerful sort of man, and so the hours passed quicker than she'd expected them to. They were wrapped up in a game of cards when the door to the room swung open yet again.

"You're still here?" came a low familiar voice, and Meredith sighed, lifting her head to find Derek standing in the doorway. "You were supposed to be off half an hour ago." His voice was earnest and clearly concerned despite the relief he felt at seeing her at ease and off her feet. Glancing down at her watch, Meredith realized he was right about the time. However, she said nothing in reply, and simply set down her cards. Derek was smiling softly at her as if he failed to realize that there was anything left from the morning to be upset about. He moved forward to help her to stand back up, but Meredith glared at him, shoving the sharp edge of Mr. Harper's chart between them.

"I was just leaving," she said quietly as she stood up, handing him the file, and reaching back to grab her lab coat. "He's fine. His heart rate remained normal all day, and he had no other complaints." Her voice was terse and almost icy, and she sidestepped Derek as she spoke. "Have a nice evening, Roger," she added with sudden contrasting warmth, turning to smile at the man who was watching the couple curiously, his eyes full of amusement.

"You too dear," he answered gently.

"Good evening Dr. Shepherd," she added, her voice short and close to openly hostile. Derek's face morphed into an expression of utter confusion as he watched her shake her head, her eyes unusually dark as she walked past him without waiting for a reply, letting the door slam loudly behind her. Derek turned back around to face his patient, disbelief still lingering in his eyes, only to find Roger shaking his head as well, chuckling softly.

"What?" asked Derek, at a loss as to why Meredith's bad mood was still lingering, and why his patient seemed so entertained.

The older man looked up, offering him a smile. "You're a great guy, doc," he said warmly, eyes still twinkling. "But for a neurosurgeon, you're not so smart…"

"What?" repeated Derek, his voice taking on a harder, almost offended edge.

"My wife and I have had three kids," continued Roger with a shrug. "And all I can say is you're in for a very long night when you get home."

"Sorry, I don't…" began Derek, uncertainty tugging his brow down as his mind went spinning, trying to sort out why Meredith still seemed so angry. He'd found a way to ensure that her day was utterly free from stress, that she'd been able to stay sitting even while coming back to work. She was healthy and the baby was healthy, and they were both going home to rest. Those were the facts that stood out in Derek's mind, and he found them comforting and reassuring, horribly at odds with Meredith's expression.

But Roger just laughed, and shook his head. "Trust me. The goal is to not make them mad while they're pregnant. It's never pretty." Derek swallowed hard, and glanced back at the door Meredith had slammed shut, frowning as worry slowly washed over him.

-----

_So basically, things are different now that Meredith's gone back to work. One the one hand, Derek has this need to be very protective of her. He's aware that he wasn't there for her at all for the first part of her pregnancy, and he saw how disastrously that turned out, with her collapsing and coming close to losing the baby. He desperately wants to make sure that nothing like that happens again, that she takes care of herself, and that the baby and her stay healthy. And, that's a great thing to want. It was easy when she was just staying at home, but even then…he was protective, not letting her carry the laundry basket herself, making her food, helping her to her feet when she could technically do it on her own. It wasn't that much, and Mer pretty much just found it sweet and was glad to have him back with her. But now, she's back doing exactly what made her get sick in the first place, and internally Derek's a bit freaked. He doesn't want her to get tired at all. He still wants to protect her and be able to know, really know, that she's safe all day. So…he requests her, and then promptly gives her an incredibly boring unnecessary job. He does it for good reasons…so that she can sit down all day, so that she won't be stressed, so that nothing at all will happen to the woman he loves and their child. However, the job he gives her is meaningless, it's way beneath her talents, and is pretty much a total waste of her time. And while Derek gets that she'd rather be in surgery, he's overlooking her annoyance because of this need to keep her protected, even if that means using the fact that he's her boss to force her into babysitting a guy all day long._

_And Meredith, well…this just plays straight into her issues. She's already having to deal with the fact that she feels different now. While she was pregnant before, nobody knew but her friends, and she had all the exact same jobs and responsibilities as the other interns. Now…she's come back, and is pretty much the center of the hospital gossip. In addition to all the looks she's getting from people, she's trying to be okay with the fact that her hours are cut in half. It's going to take her twice as long as her friends. She's going to fall behind, and she has no choice about it. And she wants to be okay about it because on a purely logical level she gets that things were pretty bad with her and the baby for awhile, and that it'd be dangerous for her to work more right now, but…at the same time, she feels like she's being left behind. Everything's changing all of a sudden, and when her friends are all residents, she's still going to be wrapping up her intern year because she's having to cut her schedule so much. And that's hard for her because she does love her job, it's what she wants to do. So, with all of this, she's very eager to get back to work, and get the most she can from the time she's allowed to work. However, Derek then goes and sticks her in a room with this job that is utterly pointless. And, all that does is give her another day to fall behind. She gets that he's doing it out of concern for her, but that doesn't change the fact that she's furious, and feels like she's being sheltered and babied. _

_So yeah, that's about where they are at the end of the chapter. Sorry for the long ramblings at the end. I was just working my thoughts out on the chapter! Hee…anyway, thanks for reading, and I'm so sorry this took so long! (P.S., if anyone read my story Weight of Water, I know I mentioned I wasn't sure if I'd continue that or not, and well…after seeing Thursday's episode, it's just going to stay a one-shot. Because clearly, what I had happen to Mer/Der didn't happen to them, and so yeah…I'm just leaving it like it is. Thought I'd point that out.) Thanks again! _


	26. Breathe Me

_Okay…so, this update took awhile again. Blame it on the dead Mer. And the craziness of sweeps. And then a little bit more on the dead Mer. Apparently, I have issues with writing when she has no heartbeat. But anyway, she has a heartbeat now, and I can manage to return my mind to my version of Grey's. So yes, that'd be the long unusual explanation for the delay in updates._

_What else…first of all, thanks so much to everyone who has been taking the time to review. You really make writing this worthwhile, and are pretty much all around awesome people as far as I'm concerned. So, thank you for taking the time to write up what you thought. I love hearing it. Seriously, love it so much. Love, love, love. But yes…about this story. I realize it is a fairly long story by now. I really hope people aren't minding. When I planned it out, I didn't realize just how long it would take to get through nine months, even with skipping over significant chunks of time. Nine months is a long time…and so yeah, basically, I'm saying I hope people aren't getting bored with this. We're nearing the end, but there are still some chapters left, and they're not pure fluff…they do have a plot to them. So, hopefully it'll take a decent stab at interesting. And…that's enough with the angsty introspective doubts for tonight! Speaking of length and long-ness in general, this chapter is back to being a long one. There's a lot to cover to get us from point A to point B, so…yes. Long. Thought I'd point that out, and…same day as the prior chapter as well. That's about it for now. Enjoy!_

_-----  
I have lost myself again  
Lost myself, and I am nowhere to be found  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again, and I feel unsafe_  
-----

Meredith glared down at the glass in her hands, watching as the smooth surface spun past her palms, sending the water sloshing against the edges as cubes of ice clinked together and collided. The soft sounds were almost lost beneath the louder noises that filled the bar, but staring at her water seemed to make everything else fade away into the background, leaving only her, her drink, and something oppressive and dark that surrounded her and filled her mind. Heaving a sigh, she lifted her head and leaned forward slightly, peering down the long length of the bar. "Joe!" she called, summoning the bartender back over to her.

He looked up with his usual warm smile, and walked towards her, clearing used glasses as he moved. "What is it?" he asked, resting a large elbow on the wooden countertop. "You want some more water?"

Meredith just shook her head, flicking her fingernail absently against the glass. "Derek's a jackass," she muttered by way of reply.

"I know," he agreed. "You've been telling me that for the past two hours." He reached forward and filled her nearly empty glass anyway as Meredith frowned up at him.

"Yes, but I mean it Joe," she continued, her voice insistent as if she feared he didn't believe her. "He doesn't let me do _anything_. Seriously, if it were up to him, I'd be…" She shook her head again, pursing her lips as she racked her mind for the perfect response--something that would make Joe understand just how frustrated, how close to furious she felt. "I'd be laying in bed for the next four months," she finally concluded, her voice bitter as Joe merely chuckled, failing to grasp why she had found the day so devastating. She didn't understand it completely herself. All she knew was that it felt like she had swallowed a thick heated knot of something embittered and angry, and it was now twisting within her, making it impossible for her to do anything other than glower at the world.

"I'm sure it's not as bad as that," said Joe gently, but Meredith slammed the base of her glass against the counter, turning flashing green eyes upon him.

"Yes," she said shortly. "It is. He wants me to be miserable."

"Now…that's the last thing he wants," argued Joe. "Shep can't even come in here without trying to talk my ear off about you and the baby. He wants you happy." Meredith's frown weakened slightly at his words, and she felt a momentary pang of guilt surge through her; knowing that lurking at Joe's to avoid Derek was only worsening things between them…creating problems where, just one day prior, there had been none. "Isn't it possible you're overreacting?" tried the bartender tentatively, not quite sure how to handle her suddenly sharp and angry mood.

"Not possible," snapped Meredith, finding the question condescending, and letting her annoyance at that send her straight back into being mad at Derek. "I'm not overreacting." Her gaze swung between her protruding stomach and the glass of water clenched in her fist, and she gave a quick shake of her head. "If it weren't for Derek, I could be drunk right now, and then I wouldn't mind that he was a complete jackass," she continued crossly, taking a long sip of water, and sucking an ice cube into her mouth. "But no…he goes and gets me pregnant." She crunched down hard with her teeth, wincing slightly at the sudden intense burst of cold as the ice splintered into sharp slivers within her mouth. "And I just really need a drink," she moaned, her head falling forward to rest in her hands. Joe reached out and ruffled her hair as Meredith sighed heavily. "But instead I am sober," she continued, her voice rising as she lifted her head once more, hating that she could still remember the entire day with perfect clarity. She spoke emphatically, wrinkling her nose at Joe. "Painfully sober, Joe. Painfully. Sober."

"And that's a bad thing?" he asked, casting a quick glance around his bar in the hopes of spotting one of her friends.

Meredith just rolled her eyes at him. "Yes," she said flatly. "It means I have to sit here and think about him."

"Right…" began Joe, heaving a sigh of relief as the door to the bar swung open, and he found his prayer answered. Cristina walked in, looking back to roll her eyes at the giggling tangle of limbs that constituted George and Izzie as they made their way through the door as well. Waving them over, Joe shot a pointed look at Meredith's slumped form, handing her over to her friends as he moved to fill their drinks.

"Mer?" asked Cristina, her voice questioning as she hopped up onto the stool next to her. Meredith nodded slightly, turning her head to look at her, but saying nothing in reply. "Ah…" continued Cristina immediately, comprehension filling her eyes. "You're still mad at Shepherd then." Meredith nodded again, straightening up to fish another ice cube out of her glass.

"What?" asked Izzie curiously, leaning forward to peer past George. "Why are you here by yourself?"

"Avoiding Derek," muttered Meredith, picking at the shells that littered the countertop.

"What?" gasped Izzie, her eyes widening as she reached forward, and pushed George's head out of the way, practically sprawling herself across the bar in order to hear Meredith's mumbled reply.

"Yeah Meredith," tried George gently, shifting free of Izzie. "What happened? You never come to Joe's anymore."

"Well I'm here now," she answered flatly, growing suddenly frustrated with her long bangs, and sweeping them forcibly back out of her eyes.

"Okay, but…" pressed Izzie, finding the explanation to be far from sufficient. "Did he do something…or say something, or…?" Meredith just snorted, leaving Cristina to reply.

"She's mad because she was Shepherd's intern, and he didn't let her do anything all day." Meredith turned to glare at her, and Cristina threw her hands up in the air. "What?" she asked incredulously. "Now you care that I told them? Seriously, Meredith?"

Meredith shrugged, and shook her head. "No," she said glumly, relenting and turning back to her glass. She could practically feel her three friends exchanging looks over her bowed head, and she closed her eyes, willing to bet just about anything that, within a minute or so, Izzie would be clearing her throat to say something annoyingly optimistic. And sure enough, Izzie coughed, and leaned forward once again.

"Mer…come on," she said softly. "It was your first day back. I'm sure he just wanted to let you ease back into things."

"Yeah," agreed George, smiling at her reassuringly as he nodded his head. "Tomorrow won't be so bad."

"Right," snorted Meredith, grateful that Cristina was at least remaining silent, simply sitting there and nursing a bottle of beer. "He requested me just so that he could stick me in a room with a perfectly healthy patient, and make me sit there all day." She glared at her other two friends, challenging them to keep on defending Derek.

"Okay…" Izzie tilted her head from side to side, frowning slightly. "Maybe he went a little over the top, but it's sweet Mer."

"It is not sweet," Meredith spat indignantly.

"He was looking out for you," said George, his voice kind and concerned, yet grating within Meredith's mind.

"No," she said sharply. "This was not looking out for me. This was…this was…" She shook her head uncertainly, pointing a finger at George's chest--the tip of her nail just a hair away from digging in in frustration. "We are here to talk about why Derek's an ass," she said, her tone unusually forceful. Every inch of her body felt tired and sore, her lower back throbbing, and serving to intensify the frustrations that were already yanking her wildly back and forth between two conflicting desires--fighting off the urge to either shout at her friends, or simply burst into loud and unexplainable tears. Finally, she swallowed hard, and found a strained but useable version of her voice. "You guys used to have plenty of hateful things to say about Derek all the time. Try reusing some of those now." Izzie shifted uncomfortably, but George nodded obediently, scooting forward to set down his drink.

"That McBastard made you sit all day?" he asked, forcing his voice to turn as indignant and feminine as possible as Cristina suddenly snorted with mingled amusement and disbelief at his impression. "Who does he think he is? What a…" George trailed off momentarily, uncertain of how to conclude his rant. "McBastard," he repeated after a moment, garnering the slightest ghost of a smile from Meredith. "Did that work?" he asked eagerly, once again reaching out for his beer.

"Well…" began Izzie slowly, giggling and shaking her head. "It was a nice try. E for effort, and all that." She let out a sudden laugh at George's wounded look, shrugging before turning back to study Meredith.

"This is not funny," Meredith said dryly, shaking her head as she frowned and rubbed at the ache that ran through her stomach. "None of this is funny," she repeated a little less forcefully, the memory of George's voice, and the goofy grin he was training on her serving to help lighten her mood. Shaking her head, she gave in to the beginnings of a smile, even as she protested one last time. "None of this is even slightly…" However, her words were cut short by the sudden sound of ringing coming from her purse. Meredith's frown returned as she leaned forward to grab her phone, staring at the screen before resolutely pressing down with her thumb and flipping the phone to silent.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" asked Izzie skeptically as Meredith simply dropped the phone back into her bag.

Meredith's response was flat and emotionless. "No."

"Why?" asked George, practically radiating curiosity as he twisted around in a failed attempt to see the phone. "Was that…was that Shepherd? You're ignoring his calls?"

"You think, Bambi?" said Cristina dryly, simultaneously shaking her head and rolling her eyes at him just as Izzie's elbow came flying out to collide with his ribcage.

"Ow," he gasped, frowning as he turned to glare at his friend. "What was that for?"

Izzie looked at him pointedly, daintily flicking a speck of dirt from the soft pink fabric of her sweater. "Just let her be," she cautioned in a hushed voice. "Cristina's better at this part." She glanced over her shoulder almost wistfully at the other two women; they had fallen quickly into a whispered yet animated conversation, their voices rising and falling in a fast changing chorus of frustration, indignance, and sharp bursts of laughter. It was only a barstool away, and yet--to George and Izzie--it suddenly felt close to indiscernible, as if they spoke another language.

"She's very angry tonight," observed George after watching Meredith and Cristina talk for several minutes.

"Yeah." Izzie laughed and nodded her head, leaning forward to scoop a handful of nuts from the basket resting on the counter. "It's gotta be all the hormones." Her words fell on a brief lull in the conversation to their right, and Meredith whirled back around, suddenly glaring at them.

"It is not all the hormones," she said airily, picking up her glass and pressing the cool surface to her lips.

"Mer it's okay," said Izzie with a shrug. "The hormones can make you crazy." She stretched out the last word, her eyes widening as her face split into a broad grin, but Meredith just shook her head.

"No," she said crossly, suddenly sliding down from her seat at the bar, and reaching out to swing her bag over her shoulder. "It is not the hormones. It is not my fault. _This_ is not my fault," she repeated, her voice emphatic. "It's Derek's fault. Derek and his stupid…whatever." She sighed heavily, pivoting on her heel as Izzie reached out to stop her.

"You're leaving?"

"Yes," said Meredith, pulling her arm free from her friend's grasp. "I need to go and…think, or something." She shook her head, running a hand through her hair as she tried to keep from once again snapping at her them for no reason.

"You going home?" asked George, spinning around in his chair to face her. "Want us to drive you, or come with, or something?" His voice was hopeful, and filled with his usual desire to be helpful, but Meredith just shook her head.

"No. I'm going to…I don't know." She sighed, and looked up at them, already busy fishing out her keys. "I'm fine," she said with a forced smile. "I just want to be alone for awhile." She turned around once more, moving quickly towards the door before either George or Izzie could get in another round of protests.

She took a deep breath as she pushed her way out of the bar, stepping out into the cool night air. The darkness surrounding her was more complete than she had been expecting, and Meredith paused for a moment in the yellow pool of a street lamp to squint down at her watch, eyebrows lifting in surprise as she realized it was already close to eleven. She felt another brief twinge of guilt knowing that Derek was probably worrying, but it passed quickly as she slid into her car, letting her forehead fall forward to rest against the steering wheel. She was a strange combination of exhausted and energized; her body sore and worn out, wanting nothing more than to collapse onto her bed, letting Derek's hands work her feet back into something a little less aching, but her mind was wide awake and humming with frustrations. It wasn't something she could quite explain. All she knew was that she was angry, and that, in some convoluted way, it made sense to stay angry. She backed out of the parking lot, and turned onto a street leading away from her house. She felt as if she had something to prove--some sort of independence she had to stake out for herself now, before it was too late--and so she kept on driving aimlessly. It felt almost as if she were seventeen again, refusing to go home just because she could. Granted, this time there was no nameless boy sitting next to her, no half finished bottles of alcohol clinking as they rolled along the carpeted floor. Meredith rolled her eyes and reached for the dial on the radio, smiling in dry amusement as she realized she was at least still playing the music just as loud.

Eventually, she found herself stifling yawns at every red light, and she turned to go home, doing her best to ignore the neon glow of the clock on the dashboard. But as she pulled up in front of her house, Meredith found her eyes swinging back to the clock despite her efforts, and she winced as _'12:25' _broke its way through the darkness. "Dammit," she muttered, getting out of the car, and slamming the door shut. She made her way towards her front door, indulging her mind in the possibilities of Derek either being sound asleep or stuck at the hospital due to an emergency surgery. But, she had barely taken five steps before the front door was flying open, and she felt as if she were once again suddenly revisiting her adolescence.

"Jesus, Mer…" said Derek, his voice rough as he hurried down the stairs towards her. Even in the dark, she could make out something wild in his eyes, and his hair looked unusually ruffled and unkempt. "Where were you?" he asked, grasping her hands in his; holding them tightly as if to reaffirm her existence. "Where the hell…are you okay?" He frowned down at her as he ushered her into the house, working hard to keep the note of panic that had filled him the past few hours from seeping into his speech.

"Yeah," answered Meredith quietly, pulling her hands back, and shoving them deep into the pockets of her jacket. "I'm fine."

"You're fine," echoed Derek, slumping against the wall in a moment of pure visible relief. Meredith frowned and nodded her head, moving past him into the front room to allow herself to sink down onto the couch with a heavy sigh. "You're fine," he repeated again, following her into the room, and coming to stand in front of her. Meredith nodded once more as she stared at him uncertainly; torn between apologizing and returning to the mood that had filled her from the bar through to mere moments ago, when she had looked up and seen the worry in his eyes. But before she could make up her mind, Derek resumed speaking. "Where the hell were you?" he asked, shaking his head as he started to pace back and forth in front of her. "Do you know how worried I've been? I come home from surgery, and what? There's nothing. You don't even leave a note. You're gone for hours…"

"Not hours," interrupted Meredith, suddenly indignant despite the fact that she knew he was right.

"Yes. Hours," said Derek, his voice rising in frustration. "I got home at nine. It's already after midnight. That's hours, Meredith." Meredith sighed and looked away--turning her face from him--and propping her chin up with one fist. "I went back to the hospital to look for you. I tried calling you. I thought…" He trailed off, running a hand through his hair, and heaving a heavy sigh. Her unexplainable absence had been jarring, almost terrifying, and her utter lack of response was quickly turning his tense relief into anger.

"What?" asked Meredith dryly, reluctantly rolling her head in the palm of her hand so that she was looking at him. "Five minutes without you deciding my every move, and you think I'm laying dead in a ditch somewhere? Seriously?"

Derek groaned, biting back the urge to yell at her. "I didn't know what to think."

"Well I'm fine," said Meredith, her voice stubborn as she shoved her bangs out of her eyes in an abrupt gesture.

"I can see that," snapped Derek. He looked away, swallowing hard before shaking his head, and turning back to face her. "Where were you?" he asked yet again.

Meredith shrugged. "At Joe's."

"At Joe's?" he echoed. "You went to Joe's? You haven't been there in months. Why did…"

"Why?" interrupted Meredith as she suddenly got to her feet, walking away from Derek, emotion flooding back into her. "Because I wanted to go to Joe's. I'm in charge of myself, Derek. And, despite what you think, you don't get to decide what I do every minute of every day." Her voice escalated quickly as she spoke, swinging violently from frustrated to undeniably angry, leaving Derek blinking at her in confusion.

"Since when have I decided what you're doing?" he asked incredulously, his own temper lessening because of the sudden onslaught of pure confusion, his mind racing to try and put together everything that was radiating from Meredith, and come up with something coherent.

"Seriously?" she spat, whirling back around to glare at him. "Have you forgotten today?" she asked, speaking slowly--stretching out each word.

"Today?" Derek shook his head, his expression quickly growing incredulous. "You mean this whole thing is still about work?" he asked, taking a step towards her. "About our patient?"

Meredith let out a bitter bark of a laugh, moving backwards to preserve the distance between them. "You don't get it, do you? Have you forgotten how you wouldn't let me do anything?" Derek opened his mouth to speak, but Meredith held up her hand, stepping even further away from him until suddenly, she was the one who was pacing. "I'm not going to sit at home all day, and just…sew stuff, and have your baby, and be this old-fashioned whatever for you," she said, her voice rising so that she was almost shouting. "I'm not going to do it." She cut off unexpectedly to catch her breath, and Derek found he could only stare blankly at her--holding up his hand in a strange duplicate of her body language.

"Meredith, I never said I wanted you to be an old-fashioned…whatever," he said, frowning slightly at her choice of words.

But she barely seemed to hear him; having already caught her breath and gone back to pacing. "I want to be a surgeon," she said angrily. "I _am_ a surgeon. It's not supposed to matter that I'm pregnant. It's not…I'm still me. Bailey and the Chief…" She shook her head sharply, breathing heavily as she glared at Derek. "Everybody… Everybody's making me different now, which was bad enough, but now…you're doing it too."

"No…Mer," tried Derek, his voice gentle and swelling with concern. He took a step towards her, wanting to get her to at least stop the wild pacing that had her covering more than half the room. "Easy," he pleaded. "That's not what I think. Just please…sit down. This can't be good for you." Catching up with her in a single stride, he reached out and gripped her firmly by the shoulders-- unable to keep from growing alarmed over just how flushed her cheeks were, and how hard she was breathing--all short broken gasps as she cradled her stomach instinctively.

"There you go again," muttered Meredith darkly, his strength enough to force her to stand still. Glaring up at him through the black veil of her eyelashes, she let her chin jut out stubbornly. "I am not sitting down. I'm fine." She tried to wrench herself free from his grasp, but his hands wouldn't let her, and so she settled for scowling up at him, hating that he somehow still seemed to be missing the point.

"I'm not asking you to be different," he said quietly, staring down into the green eyes that kept avoiding his. "I just want to know you're okay…I just want you to be safe, Mer."

"Safe?" spluttered Meredith, but, before she could get another word out, they were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. They stepped slightly away from each other, turning to come face to face with George and Izzie. The four of them froze, the newcomers sensing the tension that hung thickly within the room; taking in Meredith's dark glare and Derek's open frustration.

"Okaaay…" said Izzie at last to break the heavy silence that was holding all of them immobile. "We're just gonna go upstairs." She motioned over her shoulder in a broad gesture--approximating the location of the stairwell. "Right away, up there where it's…practically soundproof." George snorted at that, but refrained from pointing out that all four people present knew firsthand just how thin the walls were. Instead, he simply turned, and moved to follow Izzie.

"Wait," demanded Meredith, causing her roommates to turn back around. "Was I at all unsafe tonight?" George and Izzie stared at her--taking in her crossed arms and the suddenly stubborn line of her mouth--confused by her question.

"What do you mean?" asked George as Derek let out a frustrated sigh.

Meredith looked up to glare at him before turning back to her friends. "Apparently," she began, her voice dry and pulsing with anger. "Derek thinks I can't take care of myself. So…tell him. Did I do anything unsafe or stupid tonight?"

"Meredith," muttered Derek, but she ignored him, keeping her focus on George and Izzie. George was shifting uncomfortably--rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet--clearly looking for a way to escape upstairs. Izzie, however, shrugged, and shook her head.

"Stupid? No, nothing stupid. Now…bitchy? Yeah, lots of that," she said, smiling in amusement, and lifting a hand to gesture back and forth between the tense figures of Meredith and Derek. "And I can see you've still got that one going strong." She flashed them both a winning grin, adding, "Nice work."

"Izzie," seethed Meredith, but her friend only shrugged, already backing away with George towards the staircase.

"Goodnight, gotta go, good luck with the whole McAngry Couple thing," she said in a rush, disappearing from sight and leaving Meredith alone with Derek.

"See," said Meredith pointedly, finally turning back around to face him. "I was fine. Now stop treating me like a child."

Derek shook his head, his mind still reeling. "Then stop acting like one," he blurted out before he could stop himself. Meredith's eyes flashed, and she took a step backwards, her mouth dropping open in shock.

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"You run off to Joe's, and then ignore my calls despite the fact that you know I'll be worried out of my mind," began Derek, pacing back and forth as his voice rose, his fears from earlier that night making him terse and unusually angry. "And now you want to bring Izzie and George into this? This isn't even their problem, Meredith. It's ours. And _this?_" He gestured at the space between them, still shaking his head, and trying to sum up how ridiculous this whole argument felt to him. "This isn't how adults solve their problems."

"It's not?" she spat back, his words only serving to continue their escalating cycle of aggravation. "Well…please, do enlighten me, Dr. Shepherd," she added, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes. "How do _adults _solve their problems?"

"Meredith…" he groaned, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead, doing his best to fight the desire to start yelling. "I just wanted you to be safe. When I wasn't there before, you managed to nearly work yourself to death." His words came out in a dark and tortured hiss, serving to summon up the all too familiar memory of Meredith crumpling to the floor, her face twisted in agony. But she flinched visibly, misreading him through the obscuring veil of her own bottled frustrations.

"You really think I'm that stupid?" she asked furiously, pushing past Derek and heading towards the staircase. "That I care that little about our child to let it happen again? Seriously?" Derek hurried after her, and Meredith quickened her pace, halting abruptly halfway up the stairs to turn around and glare at him. "I can take care of myself. I've been doing it my entire life."

"Meredith…"

"No. Stop trying to protect me, or whatever the hell this is you're doing. Just stop. I don't need it." She pivoted back around on the staircase, climbing quickly to the top. Derek stood still; uncertain of whether it would be better to follow after her again, or simply let her be.

"Mer," he tried one last time.

She simply shook her head. "Go away," she called angrily before yanking open the nearest door, and disappearing from sight into George's room.

She slumped against the closed door, coming face to face with Izzie and George, both kneeling on the bed with an ear to the wall. Almost in unison, they stumbled backwards; loosing their balance as their faces flushed with guilt. "Pipes," blurted out George, sitting back up to find both women looking at him skeptically. "We were…we were checking on the pipes," he stammered, narrowing his eyes pointedly at Izzie. "Right Iz?"

"Oh yes," she agreed--catching on, and nodding hopefully. "The pipes…they sound good, Mer."

"Very pipe-like," added George as Meredith simply shook her head disbelievingly, flopping down onto the bed beside them.

"Right," she muttered. Heaving a sigh, she pressed a hand to her forehead, laying back against the pillows.

"Mer?" asked George tentatively as he and Izzie shifted uncertainly on the bed, giving Meredith more room as they frowned down at her.

Meredith shook her head, her hair rustling softly against the pillowcase. "It's just…" she began crossly, pinching the bridge of her nose between two fingers. "I don't know what his problem is. He thinks I'm being childish, but he's the one who refuses to even let me do my job." She tilted her head to glare down at her stomach, letting her hand fall away from her face to come and rest over her child. "Sorry daddy's being such a jackass," she mumbled to her child, flattening her palm, and rubbing it over the persistent dull ache in her side. Her words were interrupted by the sound of a knock on the door, and Meredith groaned loudly. "Derek, don't," she called.

"Mer…come on," he answered back, feeling uncomfortable leaving an argument hanging between them for the duration of the night. "Don't do this." She simply reached behind her, yanking on the pillow she had been resting on, and pulled it over her head as if to drown out his voice.

"Make him go away," she said crossly, her voice suddenly stubborn and petulant.

"Okay, now you really are acting like a child," observed Izzie, rolling her eyes as she looked at her friend. Still, she obliged and got to her feet, heading towards the closed door. "Hi," she said quietly as she entered the hallway, closing the door to George's room behind her. Derek was slumped against the opposite wall--his eyes dark and shining--and he looked up expectantly, only to find himself disappointed by the sight of someone other than Meredith. He simply nodded in greeting. "Mer, um…" began Izzie, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger. "She wants you to go away." Izzie rolled her eyes as she spoke, and held up a hand, cutting off Derek's protest before it even began. Lowering her voice, she ushered him a few steps further down the hallway. "Look, she's being kinda unreasonable. I get that. She was like this at the bar too, and it just gets worse when you provoke it."

Derek groaned, and nodded his head. "I just don't get it."

"Well you treated her like she's incompetent, and suddenly can't do a job she's been doing just fine for months. I get why she's pissed," said Izzie, unable to keep from jumping to her friend's defense when questioned. "But…" She shrugged, tilting her head from side to side, trying to find a way to get Derek to understand what she herself grasped effortlessly. "She's upset, and, right now, she's gonna keep blowing it up into this huge thing because she's pregnant and she's in pain…she's a lot of things right now."

"She's in pain?" asked Derek, suddenly straightening up as his voice grew alarmed. "Is she okay? Is something wrong? What did she say?" Izzie rolled her eyes again at his eagerness, and shook her head.

"She didn't say anything. And she's fine, it's just…lugging a baby around in your uterus? Not that comfortable all the time. The way she's acting right now? Trust me, she's sore and everything hurts…okay?" She shifted uncertainly, hoping that she wasn't going to have to go into more detail than that. Derek hesitated for a moment--brow drawing down into a scowl--before finally nodding as Izzie sighed inwardly with relief.

"Okay," he mumbled, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"Okay," repeated Izzie quietly. "Just give her some time to calm down. Let her sleep, and try apologizing again in the morning." She looked up, suddenly flashing him her usual grin as she added, "You go in there now, and I wouldn't be surprised if she throws something at you."

Derek groaned, but nodded again. "Fine," he muttered. "Just…make sure she's okay, will you?"

"I will." Izzie headed back towards George's room as Derek's voice once again pierced the quiet hallway.

"Um…thanks," he called, and she replied with one last quick smile before disappearing from sight to join the other interns.

Meredith was still laying on the bed with the pillow half covering her face, arms clasped tightly around her stomach. She was turned away from George, who looked visibly relieved to see Izzie; mouthing _'Help' _as he pointed at Meredith. Izzie shifted uncertainly herself before climbing into the bed on the other side of George. "Mer?" she asked, receiving nothing more than a low groan in response. "He's sorry, and he's just worried about you…that's all." Meredith sighed audibly--Izzie's words only serving to fill her with a heavy smothering guilt.

"I don't want to hear it," she mumbled, pulling the pillow back into position as if to hide herself from the world.

"Okay," agreed Izzie gently, wanting to push the subject, but knowing it would be futile.

"Sleep," urged George suddenly, reaching out and patting both his roommates on the shoulder. His mind was already quietly freaking out about just how few hours remained before he had to return to work, and--to his relief--neither woman protested his suggestion. Izzie found the light switch, and they fell into silence as, one by one, they drifted off to sleep.

-----

Meredith jolted awake, blinking up at the unfamiliar darkness. It took her a moment to remember where she was, but as she sat up and found herself to be one third of a knotted mess of arms and legs, she realized she was in George's bed. The soft sound of slow steady breathing was all that interrupted the silence of the room, and she turned to squint at George's clock-radio, trying to figure out why she had woken up. Her stomach rumbled suddenly with a persistence that was close to frightening, and Meredith winced, realizing that she hadn't eaten since early in the afternoon. It was already two thirty in the morning, and she wanted desperately to just fall back to sleep, but the pain in her stomach was only intensifying with each waking moment. Sighing unhappily, she slid her leg out from beneath George's, easing herself off the bed, and quietly out of the room.

She shuffled first to her room--yanking off the rumpled jacket and jeans she'd fallen asleep in--in favor of pulling on her robe. The house was silent with only vague patches of light illuminating the floor beneath the windows, street lamps and moonlight mingling in a soft glow. Meredith rubbed her stomach consolingly as she made her way down the stairs towards the kitchen. She paused at the sight of a familiar figure curled up on the couch; Derek laying on his side, one arm dangling down towards the floor. The scans from the ultrasound were scattered over the table in front of him, just barely visible in the shadowy darkness. Biting her lip, Meredith inched even closer to him, feeling suddenly guilty. She reached out and pulled the blanket that was draped over the back of the sofa down to cover him, letting her fingers run through his dark hair before turning to resume making her way towards the kitchen.

Finding the handle of the refrigerator, Meredith yanked the door open, blinking in the sudden harsh wash of light. She leaned forward to study the shelves as her stomach rumbled painfully once again. "I know," she muttered under her breath as she reached down to rub her belly. "I know you're hungry, and I'm sorry." She absently picked up a carton of milk--wrinkling her nose at it, and setting it back down. Pushing her hair out of her eyes, Meredith sighed heavily, still rubbing a hand over her side. "McFetus," she hissed, trying to will her stomach to stop twisting uncomfortably. "If you'd just stop bothering me for a second, then maybe I could find us something to eat." Her attention landed on a sealed Tupperware container, and she snatched it up, squinting at it in an attempt to make out its contents. "Left over pasta," she decided at last, wrinkling her nose again, and shoving it back into the fridge. "Nasty, right?" she whispered to her child, letting the door to the fridge slam shut, the shadows deepening once more.

Not wanting to bother Derek, she continued her search in the dark, having to struggle on her tiptoes to get even a glimpse of what was stocked in the cabinets above the counter. Eventually, her hand slid around what she recognized as a can of soup, and she set it down proudly by the stove--the idea of chicken noodle soup suddenly taking on a strangely strong appeal. However, after several more minutes of rummaging around in the barely lit kitchen, she had failed to find a can opener. Whimpering softly in frustration, Meredith leaned forward to slump against the table. She lost track of how long she stood there, simply feeling exhausted, sore, and unexplainably overwhelmed, before a voice suddenly filtered through the silence.

"Meredith?"

She groaned in response, forcing herself up onto her elbows. Staring across the length of the kitchen, she could make out the shadowy shape of Derek standing in the doorway, his hair wild with sleep.

"Mer…are you okay?" he asked, hurrying over to where she was still leaning against the table, and expertly shifting her body so that her weight was absorbed by him instead of the rough surface of the tabletop. "Hey," he pressed when he got no response, gently pushing her hair out of her face, squinting to concentrate on her expression through the darkness. "What is it?"

Meredith just shook her head. "It's nothing," she said quietly, forgetting their argument in favor of letting her head droop against his shoulder. "I'm fine."

"Okay," agreed Derek, changing tactics. "But…what are you doing in the kitchen?" Meredith let out a frustrated sigh, still resting against him.

"I'm hungry," she moaned in a thin little voice. "Actually, no. I'm starving, and the baby's making it impossible to ignore." Derek leaned forward--smiling against her hair as he kissed the top of her head--unable to keep from feeling slightly amused by her suddenly frantic tone.

"Alright," he said reasonably. "What do you want?"

"Food, Derek," snapped Meredith, straightening back up, and stepping away from him. "But there's nothing in the fridge." Derek smiled again, knowing her words were far from true, but simply nodding his head.

"Well, forget about the fridge," he said, picking her hand up in his. "If you could eat anything you wanted right now, what would it be?"

"Soup," mumbled Meredith automatically, her gaze drifting back to the can that was waiting forgotten by the stove. "I was going to make soup, but…" She shook her head, frowning as she ran her free hand through her hair. "I couldn't find a can opener, and I always manage to burn the freaking things anyway." Her voice was full of frustration, sounding dangerously close to tears.

"Okay. Soup," agreed Derek, pulling a chair out from under the table. She sank down into the seat without protest, letting her head fall forward to rest in her hands. "I'll make it," he said simply as he moved to the light switch, flooding the room with a warm glow. Meredith only yawned and nodded her head, grateful to have escaped the confusing task of cooking at a quarter to three in the morning. Derek didn't speak as he moved about the kitchen--turning on the stove, and finding the can opener without much trouble. And she just sat there bleary-eyed, a frown tugging on the corners of her mouth as she watched him cook. She felt curiously unhappy, and Meredith decided that it must be the same guilt from earlier seeping back. She contemplated apologizing for everything that had happened since she'd gotten back from Joe's. However, she was uncertain of where to begin, and so she simply sat there wordlessly, only smiling her thanks when Derek finally set a steaming bowl of soup down in front of her.

He leaned forward and brushed his lips against her cheek--the stubble prickling with rough familiarity--before settling down across from her. A lazy smile played across his face as he propped his chin up with his hand, simply watching as she swallowed one large spoonful after another. But eventually, Derek cleared his throat, and straightened up in his seat. "So," he began quietly, and Meredith's head jerked up. "Are we going to talk about this?"

"This?" echoed Meredith weakly, setting down her spoon in favor of wringing her hands together nervously. "You mean that giant screaming match we had earlier? Yeah…I was hoping we could just let that one go." Derek grinned at her and nodded his head, reaching out to still her fidgeting hands by folding them between his own.

"Yeah. That…" he said, his thumbs tracing slow reassuring circles over the back of her hand. "Mer…" He sighed heavily, his grin slowly fading away. "I shouldn't have stuck you with Roger all day." Meredith extricated her right hand from his grasp, buying herself a moment by shoveling a spoonful of soup into her mouth. His eyes were searching hers--deep blue and imploring in the artificial light--and she finally nodded her head.

"You shouldn't have," she agreed quietly, letting her gaze drop back down to the bowl in front of her. Tracing her tongue along her lower lip, Meredith's eyes flickered briefly back to Derek before once again seeking out the neutrality of the tabletop. "And I…I probably shouldn't have hid out in a bar all night," she added, her voice growing even softer.

"Yeah." Derek smiled, his fingers still stroking the smooth surface of her left hand. He was watching Meredith intently, but she was keeping her focus narrowly confined to the bowl in front of her, and the spoon that traveled from the soup to her mouth. He sighed quietly; wanting to fix whatever problem there was, yet wary of pushing her, and causing her to march back upstairs to George's room again. However, even as he sat there contemplating what to say, Meredith looked up, and finally broke the silence herself.

Her question was soft and almost whispered. "Why did you?" Derek frowned and drew a hand through his hair, shaking his head.

"What?" he asked. Meredith rolled her eyes, but elaborated.

"Why did you give me the worst assignment ever? You don't think I'm a…" She cut herself off abruptly, letting her voice drop away into silence.

"I don't think you're a what?" coaxed Derek, trying to discern why she suddenly looked so miserable.

Meredith lifted her head and sighed heavily--surprising him with green eyes that glistened beneath a sheen of unspilt tears. "You don't think I'm a good doctor anymore?" she asked in a thin little voice that wavered dangerously on every word.

Derek let out a shocked noise, instantly shaking his head. "Meredith…no," he said earnestly, shifting closer towards her. "That's not it at all. I was…you're a great doctor." He studied her face, taken back by the doubt still lingering in her eyes. "I think you're a wonderful doctor…kind, and smart, and talented, and it…" His words earned nothing more than a halfhearted shrug, and so Derek found himself losing his own usual reluctance to apologize in the hopes of erasing the hurt that still hung so palpably around Meredith. "It had nothing to do with work," he admitted quietly, his voice growing rough with embarrassment as she finally met his eyes again. "And I'm sorry…I just, I wanted to make sure that you'd be okay."

"Of course I'm okay," said Meredith awkwardly. "You were at the doctor's with me, Derek." Derek nodded and reached out, running his hand down the soft golden waves that framed her face. She shifted slightly--almost uncomfortably--but didn't pull away.

"It's just…" He frowned and shook his head, trying to explain the reason behind what he'd done. "I know you're alright, but…if you weren't? You're my girlfriend, you're my…" Derek sighed, and smiled at her again. "You're _you_, Mer," he said earnestly. "And…okay, no more pointless patients, but it's my job to worry about you."

Meredith wrinkled her nose, but nodded in quiet agreement. "Okay," she said, her voice soft as she turned back to the bowl in front of her. It was empty except for a few stray noodles, and she pushed at them absently with the tip of her spoon. Derek had apologized, things were supposed to obey and fall straight back to normal, but somehow she still felt unsettled.

"What is it?" pressed Derek, laying a hand against her shoulder, and she shook her head, hating how easily he seemed to be reading her.

"It's just…" she began uncertainly, looking back up. "It's just I'm not good at this. I'm not used to being this person, this relationship person."

"Hey, that's okay," said Derek gently, but she gave another fiercer shake of her head.

"No. No, it's not because then I go crazy, and yell at you. And it's just that…" She shrugged helplessly, still shaking her head. "It's just that I used to be fine on my own. I didn't need anybody to worry about me, and nobody did. Only now…" Meredith hesitated for a moment, biting her lip, and looking anxiously at Derek. His expression was grave, eyes trained intimately on her, and Meredith found words pouring out that she hadn't planned on saying. "Now you do. And it's not just you Derek…and I _do _want you to care, but I can't do anything anymore without someone asking about the baby, or telling me to go eat, or sit down or whatever..." She shrugged again, the gesture feeling futile, and followed it by letting her head fall forward to rest buried in the palms of her hands.

"Shhh…I know," murmured Derek, running a hand over her trembling shoulder before deftly scooping her up, and cradling her in his lap. "I know. People just want to feel like they're helping. You're pregnant, and it makes people want to feel helpful. That's all Mer."

Meredith frowned and looked up at him, twisting the edge of his shirt tightly around her finger. "But I just want to be me again, you know," she said quietly. "I don't want all the attention. I just want things to feel normal again."

"Hey, you're still you," said Derek, his voice as hushed as hers, and filled with worry at the shadowy light within her eyes.

"No," mumbled Meredith as she shook her head. "I'm this fat, useless pregnant girl who everyone stares at, and nobody lets do anything. It's pathetic. I don't even know who I am anymore." Her voice was unusually bitter, and she looked away from him, concentrating intently on not crying. The dam she was building up against her tears weakened noticeably as Derek sighed, pulling her closer to his chest.

"People change Mer," he whispered--his words low against her ear--hating that she was shaking with the effort of restraining her emotions as much as possible. "It's part of life. And this…" He let his hands drift down to her swollen belly, slipping them beneath her robe to run over the bare skin of her familiar strained curve. "Our daughter…that's a good change. An amazing one." Meredith nodded, but didn't answer, and Derek found himself realizing instinctively that she was trying to tune him out; as if some part of her desperately wanted to remain hurt and brooding. He stifled his own frustrated sigh, and moved a hand from her stomach to cup her chin, turning her gently so that she was forced to meet his eyes. She didn't look up at first, but he called her name, and she reluctantly lifted her gaze to his. "Come on," he urged, smiling at her. "Having a baby isn't making you any less of a person. Nobody thinks that. It's different, I know. And it's scary, but…you're still you."

Meredith nodded again, touched by his sincerity, and forced to blink back tears as a result. She raised her arm, wiping the back of her hand roughly across her face. "I know," she said softly, unable to shake the suddenly deep rooted knowledge the day had brought that this was changing herself forever. It felt terrifying and fundamentally unhappy for reasons she couldn't even make sense of within her own mind, but she could see the worry in Derek's eyes, and moved to appease it as best she could. "I know," she repeated, this time forcing her mouth up into a weak smile.

"You know?" he echoed hopefully, pressing a kiss to her lips. "You're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay," she agreed despite the fact that she knew there was a lie buried somewhere within her answer. Derek was studying her carefully as if he didn't quite dare believe her, and Meredith looked away quickly, climbing down from his lap. "Sleep?" she asked, making her voice loud and cheerful as she stretched out her hand.

She sighed inwardly with relief as he agreed, taking her hand in his. And Meredith followed him silently up the stairs and into her bed, hating herself a little for playing at being fine when she still felt so alarmingly unsettled and disjointed. But she closed her eyes, and curled up in Derek's arms, promising herself that the strange feeling would pass with sleep, or, at the most, in a day or two. There was no point in trying to explain it to Derek any further. He wouldn't understand. He couldn't. Nothing was changing within him. Nothing was changing who he was.

It wasn't happening to him.

-----

_Okay...so, yeah. Long chapter. First of all, lots of stuff happening to Mer. This chapter is pretty much ninety-eight percent all about her. She's just gone back to work, and returning to her old world, and trying to fit back into the normal patterns she lived before, has done nothing but highlight just how much everything has changed for her. She's got people gossiping about her, people going out of their way to be helpful, people cutting her hours, and, on top of all that, she's got her boyfriend giving her the world's most insignificant job. And, while her initial reaction is simply to be angry, there's a lot more going on with her. While she's known all along that she's having a baby, this chapter is where she realizes just how much she's moving away from who she used to be. People are treating her differently, even her old ways of dealing with bad days (going to Joe's) don't work the same any more. And so she starts out being mad over this, and takes that out in a fight with Derek. She feels crappy, and her day sucked, and she's confused, and so she just refuses to be remotely reasonable for awhile, and buries everything else beneath being angry. But eventually, she gets up in the middle of the night, and she and Derek talk. The anger has faded away, and he's there being perfect, and making her soup, and apologizing, but even with all of that, she can't shake the feeling that now, something's different. And that's kinda freaking her out. She doesn't like it. She wants to be herself, the person she knows and recognizes as Meredith, but she feels like having a baby is pushing herself away from who she used to be and turning her into this new person. And basically, Mer doesn't know if that's a bad thing or not. On the surface, it feels bad because she thought Derek was doubting her, that people just want her to sit down all the time, that she's this lesser, weaker person. And, under that surface layer, it mostly just feels confusing to her. She wants it to just go away, and for things to go back to normal, and...that's what she's hoping will happen. She doesn't want to explain it any further to Derek because she doesn't think he'll get what she's having a hard time grasping herself. She's basically just hoping that she'll wake up tomorrow and feel fine._

_Anyway...that's about it for now. I was going to ramble on for longer, but I am quite literally falling asleep as I write this closing ramble. So...we're just going to wrap up here tonight. Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!  
_


	27. Pulling Your Puzzles Apart

_Okay…so. Here we go again. We're traveling through time! I know. Exciting, right? Heh. Anyway, this chapter moves forward about two and a half months from where we left off. If you're curious, that makes Mer about seven and a half months pregnant. Now, I pretty much say all of that in the actual chapter, but…I do enjoy being repetitive. Anyway, we're moving forward through time to get to the more interesting point where all of the issues from last chapter start coming to a head. So…yay. And, we actually go back to spending a bit of time in Derek's head for a change. We haven't been up there for awhile. Also, this chapter is a little on the shorter side. Not a lot shorter, but not massively looong. I'm sorry about that, I know people have said they enjoy the length. But…we need this to cover what happened during our travel through time, and to set up what happens next chapter. And, I do believe next chapter will be looooong. (See? Multiple O's. That's long!)_

_Anyway, thanks as usual to the people taking the time to review. I love it so much. So, you know, please…make my day. Review. Hee… That's about it for now. Enjoy!_

-----  
_Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
Oh take me back to the start_  
-----

Derek hurried down the pristine white hallway, pulling on his jacket as he walked. He'd never been so happy to have a surgery postponed in his life. Glancing down at his watch, a shallow smile flashed across his face as he realized he was about to escape the hospital while the sun was still up for once. He wanted nothing more than to get home to Meredith. An uneasy feeling had settled over him the past few months, and recently it had grown stronger and stronger, twisting into something heavy and unshakeable. It was Meredith. There was something about her that…he couldn't quite put a finger on it, but there was something wrong. And that knowledge had him coming to a stop just ten feet from the elevators as he caught sight of a familiar head of tangled black hair.

"Dr. Yang?" he called out, not quite knowing what he was doing, but hoping that he came across a little less nervous and uncertain than he felt. The shorter woman whirled around, her expression already slightly frustrated.

"Yes Dr. Shepherd?" she asked, juggling the thick stack of charts she was holding so that it balanced precariously on a hipbone.

"I was…I was just," he began, surprised to hear himself stammering. Cristina raised an eyebrow, her irritation at being stopped shifting closer to a skeptical sort of curiosity. Derek cleared his throat, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. "I wanted to ask you a question," he said, bringing his voice back to its normal confident tone.

Cristina nodded, her frustration returning as she adjusted her grip on the charts she was holding. "Can you make it fast?" she said bluntly. "If I don't discharge all of them…" she paused, jerking her chin towards the charts, "in the next forty minutes, Bailey's not gonna let me scrub in."

"Oh. Right," said Derek, nodding his head at the explanation for the woman's strained and hurried manner. "It's about…it's about Meredith," he added quietly. He shifted his weight uncertainly, glancing down at the floor, almost as if he were suddenly shy. The harsh light in Cristina's eyes diminished noticeably at the mention of her best friend, however her lips remained ensnared in a thin line. She gave a nod of her head, prompting him to continue. Derek sighed, and ran a hand through his hair--his expression growing troubled. "Has she seemed strange to you lately?"

"Strange?" echoed Cristina, frowning up at him. "What do you mean?"

Derek sighed again, and shook his head. "Quiet… She never seems happy anymore. She's always just…there." Worry seeped into his voice as he thought about how strangely lifeless Meredith had become lately. Lately…that felt like a lie. It wasn't just lately. It had been months. The last time he could remember really _seeing_ Meredith had been the day she returned to work. Since then, there had been brief flickers of the woman he loved, but nothing more. It was as if she were living behind a thick obscuring veil; one that strained the joy from her, and left her rarely smiling. And yet, according to her, she was fine. Always _fine_. "Did she say anything to you?" he asked hopefully.

But Cristina just shook her head. "No," she said, her voice softening despite the fact that she still wasn't all that fond of Derek. "She hasn't said anything. But she has been…different," she admitted, having noticed the change in her friend as well. As soon as she spoke, her eyebrows dove together into a sharp scowl, and her voice lost the gentleness it had picked up. "What did you do?" she demanded.

"Nothing," spluttered Derek, looking completely taken back by her words. "I didn't do anything." His shocked expression turned dubious as he racked his mind for any possible offense on his part. "I don't think…"

"Right," said Cristina dryly, cutting him off. She was eyeing him skeptically, her initial feeling being not to trust him. However…Meredith hadn't breathed a single unhappy word about Derek. She shrugged her shoulders, unable to miss the anxiety in her boss's eyes. "Well maybe it's a pregnant…" she began, only to find herself interrupted by Izzie's loud and cheerful greeting. Cristina winced and rolled her eyes. "She's got Izzie throwing her a party tomorrow. How happy can you expect her to be?" She turned and shot a pointed look at the other intern, who had just emerged from the elevators, and was hurrying towards them.

Derek groaned, and pressed a hand to the bridge of his nose. "That's tomorrow?"

"What's tomorrow?" asked Izzie as Cristina nodded her head.

"The baby shower you're forcing on Mer," she said, a bit of an edge seeping into her voice.

"I'm not forcing it on her," said Izzie indignantly. "She's having a baby. That automatically comes with a shower."

"Whatever," scoffed Cristina. "You should just drop it. She doesn't want one."

'Okay…technically, it's not a shower. It's a baby themed party," answered the blonde airily, smiling at the thought. "Besides, Mer agreed to it."

Cristina just rolled her eyes. "Only to get you to stop nagging." She shook her head, once again shifting uncomfortably under the weight of the charts she was holding. "Why are we having it so early anyway?" she continued, her voice flat and drawling as if she found the whole idea bothersome.

"It's not that early," argued Izzie. "She's almost at eight months, and you know in her case she could have the baby that early. Besides, all of us have tomorrow off. All of us. Do you realize how rare that is? I mean, it is _rare_. It's once in a blue freaking moon rare. We need to seize the day."

"Yeah, well…thanks to you seizing the day, the rest of us have to spend our day off watching you go all sentimental over formula and changing tables and crap."

"It's for _Meredith_," stressed Izzie, but Cristina scoffed, doing her best to cross her arms over her chest while still keeping her grip on her patients' files.

"Right. Meredith who asked you not to," she said flatly.

Izzie shook her head, her voice dismissive. "She's in denial. Everyone wants a shower."

"No," snapped Cristina, her eyes flashing as she opened her mouth to protest further. Derek cleared his throat, inching away from the wall their bickering had nearly trapped him against. He had a sense that, without any of their other friends around to mediate, the discordant personalities of the two women were close to crashing. However, the sudden low intrusion of his voice caused them to momentarily fall silent.

"Well Dr. Yang, Dr. Stevens," he said as lightly as he could. "If you'll excuse me…"

"Wait," said Izzie immediately, holding out a hand to stop him. "I was going to ask you…" She trailed off, a soft thoughtful frown crossing her face as she chewed on her lip. "Oh, right. Decorations! I've got to stop at the store tonight, so…what do you think Meredith would like? I saw these cute balloons with storks on them, and then maybe some pink streamers, or…"

"I have no idea," interrupted Derek, looking rather alarmed. "I don't do decorations."

"But for Meredith," protested Izzie, pouting slightly.

Derek sighed, giving in and trying to guess at what Meredith would want. He honestly had no idea, but then again, lately it seemed as if he always failed to understand her. "She'll probably like whatever," he said at last. "Just so long as it's not too over the top." Cristina snorted loudly at that, and Derek couldn't help but feel apprehensive as he noticed that Izzie was back to grinning widely; it was almost as if he could see the wheels turning wildly within her mind like something out of an old cartoon. "Oh and," he continued, the mention of the party serving to jog his memory. "Mer wanted me to tell you there will be absolutely no baby themed games, and that if she can't drink, nobody can." While Izzie's face fell noticeably at the first restriction, Cristina let out a loud groan at the latter.

"Seriously?" she seethed, turning to look daggers at Izzie. "An enema would be better that this party."

Derek shook his head as Izzie opened her mouth and began arguing back. "Well…evening," he mumbled quietly as he backed his way cautiously towards the elevators. However, he went positively unnoticed by the two women, and Derek breathed a sigh of relief as the elevator closed safely around him.

The drive back to Meredith's was a quick fleeting thing, beautifully silent compared to the conversation with her friends. Pushing open the front door, he walked into an equally quiet house. "Mer?" he called, shrugging off his jacket as he closed the door. There was no answer. Everything felt strangely still. "Meredith?" he tried again as he made his way through the house. His voice faded away as his eyes landed on the couch. Meredith was sprawled across it--eyes closed and breathing heavily--fast asleep. A smile lit up his face as Derek walked softly towards her, sinking down to sit beside her curled up form. One hand lay limply against her swollen stomach while the other was tucked beneath her chin. Her face was almost completely obscured; hidden beneath the long loose strands of her hair, still damp and smelling fresh of a shower. "Mer," he murmured quietly, reaching down and lifting the golden sheet of hair back from her face, happy with the fact that--at least for a little while--she looked perfectly untroubled, peaceful… Not wanting to wake Meredith, yet wanting to be close to her, Derek leaned forward and brushed his lips across the smooth surface of her cheek. It was a soft whisper of a touch, but she stirred beneath him. The hand that had rested under her chin moved upward to wrap around his neck, and she mumbled something indiscernible. "Hey…sorry," he whispered as her fingers curled in his hair, and her eyes fluttered open slightly, revealing slits of green. "I didn't mean to wake you. I'll go, you just sleep." Derek started to straighten up, but Meredith tightened her grip on him, pulling the warmth of his body back towards herself.

Still more than half asleep, she shook her head, and leaned into him. "Stay," she mumbled, her voice hoarse and groggy.

"Okay," he agreed, shifting her a little so that he could sit to the back of the couch and let her lay against him. Instantly, Meredith moved to curl up with her head on his chest, her eyelids drooping heavily again as his hand found her stomach, and settled over it. He pressed his lips to the top of her head, smiling down at the tiny woman cradled in his arms. Derek thought she had fallen back asleep, but, after a few minutes, she spoke again.

"Is it late?" Her voice was still quiet and subdued, but it had lost the thick coating of sleep it first held.

"No," answered Derek, running a hand through her hair and down her back. "My last surgery got postponed for a trauma case."

"Oh…sorry," she murmured, but Derek just shrugged.

"It's fine." Meredith sank down in his arms until her head lay in his lap, and she could turn to stare up at him. Derek smiled at her, and her lips flickered ever so slightly in response. "What'd you do today?" he asked. "I haven't seen you since this morning."

Meredith shrugged, the ghost of a smile vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. "Wrote discharge papers," she said blandly. "Then I came home. Took a shower. Fell asleep. It was exciting." She rolled her eyes, and turned away, her voice low and sarcastic. Derek sighed and nodded his head. He requested her as often as he could, probably a little too often--but Meredith hadn't complained yet--and he'd found that being able to see her in the OR was almost as good as knowing that she was sitting down somewhere resting. And it had the added benefit of not irritating her. Still, he knew better than to request Meredith _every _day, and the other doctors had a slight inclination to assign her the easier jobs--that tendency only growing more pronounced as she grew to look more and more pregnant. Derek was studying her profile carefully, trying to see if she was angry, but he could discern nothing more than a vague and muted displeasure. It was her typical response, and as the sleep faded from her features, it came roaring back. The sharp green of her eyes seemed to lessen and almost turn gray, and she shifted slightly--pulling away from him without ever leaving his lap.

"Mer," he pressed, as usual unable to keep from trying. She cocked an eyebrow, her gaze flitting back towards him expectantly. "Are you okay?" She stiffened, and they stared at each other for a long moment, the question hanging in the air. It was unusual for her to not jump to immediate avowals of her fineness, and Derek grew hopeful that maybe…just maybe she was going to give him something more than her standard two word answer.

"I'm fine," she blurted out at last as Derek sighed inwardly. He cupped her face in his hands, and tilted it towards him, strengthened by the knowledge that Cristina also thought she was being strange.

"Meredith…"

She just frowned and slipped from his grasp, moving so that she too was seated upright on the couch. "I'm fine," she insisted, her voice growing clipped. He opened his mouth to protest, but she gave a sharp shake of her head. "Can we just drop this?" she asked crossly.

"Is this about the party?" he countered, prompting Meredith's frustrated frown to morph into one of pure confusion.

"What?"

"Tomorrow," elaborated Derek. "Izzie and the baby shower."

"Oh…" groaned Meredith, pressing a hand to her forehead. "Seriously, don't remind me. I have no idea how I got roped into that."

"Maybe it won't be so bad," suggested Derek gently, but Meredith just pulled her hand down from her face to raise her eyebrows at him.

"Have you not met Izzie?"

Derek chuckled and shook his head. "Come on," he said, reaching out and pulling her back into his lap. "It'll just be you and me and your friends. Just like normal, except, you get presents." Meredith rolled her eyes at the eager coaxing tone his voice took on.

"What if I don't like presents?" she asked stubbornly, but she twisted around to pout at him, a hint of her old personality flashing briefly through her.

"You don't like presents?" Derek asked, lifting his eyebrows in mock surprise. "Everyone likes presents." Meredith wrinkled her nose, and shook her head at him. "Well fine," he continued, leaning back against the couch and stretching as a grin played across his face. "They can just give them all to me then."

His comment brought a rare but genuine smile to her face, and she reached out to slap him on the arm. "You wouldn't dare," she laughed as Derek wiggled his eyebrows in response. Still giggling, Meredith sighed and settled back in his arms, her head coming to rest against his shoulder. Amazed to see her looking happy for a change, Derek tightened his hold on her as if that might keep her mood from slipping away.

"Mer…" he murmured, his voice low as he leaned forward, his lips trailing over the exposed skin of her neck. Meredith just tilted her head and sighed in response, her fingers tangling lazily through his hair. "Go out with me?" he asked, the idea taking up a sudden residence in his mind.

She just laughed--abrupt and incredulous--pulling away to look up at him. "What?"

"Go out with me," repeated Derek, pressing a kiss to the lips that had parted in surprise. "Tonight," he elaborated. "It's still early, and we're going to be stuck here tomorrow with everyone. Let's go out to dinner…just us."

"You're serious?" she asked, one eyebrow cocked as she stared incredulously at him. Derek nodded, hoping that she'd say yes, hoping that getting her away from her roommates and her life and just…everything for a few hours would keep her smiling. "Derek Shepherd," continued Meredith, suddenly smirking at him. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"I am," he agreed, capturing her mouth with his again, a bit harder this time.

"And what if I say no?" she mumbled against his lips, pulling away once more to hear his answer.

Derek simply smirked, looking rather pleased with himself. "Oh…you won't say no."

"I won't?"

"You won't," he echoed lightly, more delighted than he could begin to express to see her still smiling--her green eyes warm and full of laughter.

Meredith pressed her hands flat against his chest, biting down on her bottom lip. "And what makes you so certain?" she asked, earning a quick grin from Derek.

"You find me irresistible," he said smugly.

"You wish," laughed Meredith, shaking her head as she settled back against him. Seconds later, Derek was nuzzling her neck again, his lips warm over the slender column of bare skin.

"Was that a yes?" he asked, his voice low and hopeful. She rolled her eyes, but nodded.

"Yes," she said softly, turning to kiss him full on the mouth. "Only…nowhere fancy," she amended in between kisses that grew softer and softer until her lips were merely touching his. "I didn't buy any fancy maternity clothes." She wrinkled her nose at that, and Derek followed her gaze down to what she was wearing.

"You barely bought any," he teased. And she hadn't. Izzie had finally dragged her out shopping one afternoon, but she had come back with only a few things, claiming to hate everything, and promptly abandoning an exhausted looking Izzie to lock herself in the bathroom. Instead, she lived mostly in scrubs, and things she borrowed from Derek. She had an old faded pair of his sweatpants on--the ends rolled up to keep herself from tripping--and one of his scrub tops. It gaped at the top due to her small frame, but was roomy enough to fit over her stomach.

"I know that," she said edgily, her smile fading as she fiddled with the navy blue fabric.

"Mer…" He fit a finger beneath her chin, angling her head back up towards him. He had to bite back his initial response of asking her what was wrong; knowing that that would only send them through another tense round of denial as she pulled further into herself. Instead, Derek slipped a hand beneath her shirt, his fingers tracing circles over her bare skin as he grinned at her almost wickedly. "I say you wear nothing at all."

And that got her to laugh again, reaching up to yank his hand away from her breast and back out from under her shirt. "You're a dirty man," she scolded, climbing down from his lap, and letting him help her to her feet. Derek just grinned, shrugging sheepishly.

"So…nowhere fancy," he said as they both stood up.

Meredith nodded. "Nowhere fancy." She tugged on her shirt before adding, "but I am going to change." Derek's face lit up, and he leered at her, but she just rolled her eyes. "Into _clothes _Derek," she said blithely, pushing him towards the stairs. "Clothes. Don't get your hopes up."

-----

Meredith wandered slowly down the hallway. Derek was showering, and she could hear the distant sound of running water. She was supposed to be struggling through the mess of her closet, and finding something to wear to dinner. But instead, she was taking slow almost aimless steps down the hall, her feet stilling in front of the room at the end. It was a small room, small enough that neither Izzie nor George had given it a second glance when moving in. However…babies were small, so she supposed that was okay. She leaned forward, reaching a hand around the open door to turn the light switch on, but keeping her feet firmly planted in the hallway. She sighed as the room flooded with light. It was close to empty; just a paint splattered ladder propped against the far corner. Tentatively Meredith shuffled forward, staring up at the newly painted walls. They were a soft peach color, chosen by Izzie after Meredith had insisted she was absolutely not having an entirely pink room until her daughter was old enough to beg for one herself. _Chosen by Izzie… _Meredith frowned at the thought, reaching down to hike Derek's sweatpants back up to her hips. They had an annoying tendency to keep slipping. Turning her attention back to the walls, Meredith's frown deepened. She reached out, and pressed a hand over the dried paint. Izzie had chosen the color, and Derek had painted the room with some help from George and Izzie. But she…she hadn't done anything. On the surface, it didn't look so bad. The three of them had flat out refused to let her in the room while they painted, wanting to keep her away from the fumes and off the ladder. But, she hadn't protested at all. She hadn't protested, and she would have before. Meredith squeezed her eyes shut, trying to forget about how she had leapt at the chance to run clear to the opposite end of the house and close her mind to what they were doing. She hadn't even chosen the color for her own daughter's room. She didn't even want to be _in _the room. Meredith shook her head, and pulled her hand from the wall, wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach. It wasn't that she didn't care. She did care, she just…couldn't.

The room felt simultaneously smothering and frightening; everything it stood for serving to terrify her. Meredith blinked back tears, not understanding why. It scared her, and she wasn't sure why…just that it was probably proof that she was going to be a terrible mother. She felt scared all the time when she let herself pay attention to the humming doubts in the back of her mind, and she didn't know what to do about it. Meredith shook her head again, trying to clear her thoughts. She backed quickly out of the room, and towards the reassuring sound of running water.

Her room felt safer. It was warm and familiar, and reminded her of Derek. At the thought of him, Meredith glared angrily at her reflection in the mirror, wiping away the faint hint of tears with a rough swipe of her hand. She wanted to be happy. She wanted it _desperately_, and yet it felt as if she had forgotten how…as if she could no longer even recognize the emotion without him carefully coaxing it from her. Even then it was a struggle. Reaching down, she hiked up her scrub top. She didn't pull it all the way off, but let the fabric pool just beneath her breasts as she stared at her stomach through the mirror. Meredith wrinkled her nose as she looked at herself. Months ago, she had thought she looked pregnant, but…that was nothing to now. Now she was pretty sure that she just looked huge. Sighing softly, she ran a hand down the prominent curve of her belly, letting it settle at the base. A faint flicker of excitement passed through her as she felt the baby once again moving about, kicking softly, but the rush faded away as her thoughts drifted back to the empty nursery, and she shivered as she thought of just how little time she had left before it was no longer empty.

Heaving another heavier sigh, Meredith shuffled away from the mirror, and over to her closet. Her hands danced over her old clothes, lingering on the soft fabric of favorite sweaters that could no longer make it past her stomach. Finally, she yanked a shirt and pants that would fit her now out from the jumbled mess, and tossed them unceremoniously onto her bed. Wandering listlessly back towards her mirror, she ran a hand through the disheveled waves of her hair. They were scrunched strangely from falling asleep with wet hair, and she pursed her lips together as she tugged on a particularly disobedient lock. Finally giving up, Meredith swept her hair into a messy ponytail, and forced a smile across her face, laughing at how odd and out of place it looked.

Her mind drifted back to Derek as she fidgeted with a tube of mascara, debating whether it was worth the effort to do her makeup. He never seemed to care that she wore so little, if any, and yet she never quite forgot how perfect Addison's makeup always looked. In the midst of all her conflicting confusing emotions, the desire for Derek to be happy lingered on with remarkable persistency. Meredith forced the smile back across her face, determined to be cheerful for once, and not let herself get lost in her usual fog of doubts and insecurities. They _both _deserved that.

She was halfway to uncapping the tube of mascara when the ringing of the doorbell from downstairs reached her ears. Meredith frowned and hesitated for a moment, hoping that she could send Derek to get it, but she could still hear the sound of running water from the bathroom. The doorbell rang again--loud and insistent--and Meredith sighed, letting the makeup fall with a clatter onto the wooden surface of the dresser. Tugging her scrub top back into place, Meredith hurried from the room and down the stairs as the doorbell rang a third time.

"Coming," called Meredith, sounding slightly annoyed as she reached out for the doorknob, and opened her large front door.

She found herself face to face with two woman she'd never seen before in her life. Well, not quite face to face. They were both infinitely tall and slender, and as Meredith looked up at them curiously, she couldn't completely shake the uncomfortable sensation that they were towering over her.

"Finally," said the woman on her right. She was fairly young--Derek's age or maybe a little older--with short sleek hair. Both her hairstyle and her clothing had a crisp, perfectly tailored quality to them, and they were dark, contrasting sharply with the paleness of her complexion. Her voice was impatient, and she drummed well manicured nails against the strap of her handbag as she spoke.

"Is Derek Shepherd here?" asked the other woman. She was older and more matronly, yet had an unmistakable elegance to her. Her eyes were a deep piercing blue that Meredith found eerily familiar, and her long black hair appeared to have been swept effortlessly into a complicated twist at the nape of her neck.

"Um…" stammered Meredith, completely caught off guard by the women on her doorstep. "Derek Shepherd? Yeah…well at the moment he's in the…um… Yes…he's here." She pushed her long bangs out of her eyes, her expression still one of complete puzzlement. "I'm sorry…who are you?" she asked hesitantly, but neither woman answered her question. Instead, they simply swept past her with a loud clacking of heels, coming to a stop in the dimly lit hallway.

"Well, it's…_decent_," said the younger woman to her companion, gesturing at their surroundings. "A little dark, but…"

"Better than hiking through the woods," supplied the other woman, a hint of dry amusement filling her voice. She turned towards Meredith, who was still standing frozen in the open doorway, her fingers clinging to the handle. "Well, close the door. You're letting in a draft." It felt more like a command than anything else, and Meredith found herself complying before walking over to stand in front of them, feeling curiously on display.

"Who are you?" asked Meredith again, her voice shaking slightly. It wasn't that she was afraid of them exactly, but they were making her extremely apprehensive. And the fact that she was standing there in front of a wall of fashion that seemed to come straight from the glossy pages of a magazine, while she herself was barefoot with Derek's clothes practically hanging off her body, was doing nothing to increase her confidence. The whole situation felt eerily familiar, as if she'd been through this before, and she swallowed hard, promising herself that it was impossible for Derek to have yet another wife hidden away somewhere.

"Where's Derek?" asked the younger woman impatiently, once again ignoring her question.

"Um…he's in the shower," stammered Meredith, her hand moving to fidget nervously with her watch.

The older of the two strangers sighed at that, turning from the picture she had been examining back to stare at Meredith. "Fine. And you are…?" she asked. Her voice was rather cool and clipped, and she raised an eyebrow, her gaze settling obviously on Meredith's stomach.

"Mom," scoffed the other woman, rolling her eyes. "She's pregnant, and…" she wrinkled her nose delicately as she took in Meredith's hair, "blondish…" she added distastefully. "It's obviously her."

Meredith could only blink at them. "Her?"

"You're the slutty intern, right?"

"Excuse me?" asked Meredith incredulously, her cheeks flushing bright red.

"Nancy," admonished the older woman, but her voice was utterly untroubled, not holding even the slightest hint of a reprimand. Her eyes were cold and scrutinizing as she turned them on Meredith again. "You're…Miriam, aren't you?" she asked, her tone full of something Meredith thought might be disdain.

"Meredith," corrected Meredith. The woman simply shrugged, almost as if the correction were beneath her. Meredith stared up at them uncertainly for a moment. The two women remained silent and taciturn, regarding her with little more than perfectly arched eyebrows and obvious dislike. Meredith let out a frustrated sigh, folding her arms over her stomach. "Okay, who are you people?" she demanded. "And how do you know Derek?"

The older woman cleared her throat, taking her time to smooth the fabric of her jacket with long slender fingers before answering. "I'm Jacqueline Shepherd," she said primly, yet with a decided edge to her voice--something cold and steely. "His mother."

"Mother…" Meredith managed to choke out, suddenly feeling as if she were falling. The apprehension she'd felt earlier rapidly intensified into something paralyzing as she stared up into the fierce blue of Derek's mother's eyes.

"Yes," agreed Jacqueline icily. "I am." The energy she was radiating seemed to fall just short of hatred, and she sneered down at Meredith's belly. "And you're having _his _baby?"

Meredith's hands flew instantly to her stomach, and she bit down hard on her lower lip. "Um…" she stammered hesitantly, struggling to find her voice. "Derek's…? Sorry…I'm… Well, we're…"

Jacqueline let out a frustrated sigh as she stared down at the petite blonde. Her gaze was infinitely more intense than even the most potent of looks Meredith had received from Derek; ones that left her breathless and tingling and completely unable to move. Only the way Jacqueline Shepherd was staring at her, while equally commanding, was devoid of the love that softened Derek's eyes when he looked at her. Instead, it was bellied with something bitter and disgusted. "I don't have all day," she said sharply, cutting Meredith's stammering short, and sending the younger woman spiraling into something close to despair with a single question. "Are you, or are you not, the tramp who trapped my son, and ruined his marriage?"

-----

_Okay…so. What to say? Meredith first, I suppose. Now…she hasn't really fixed any of her issues with working less, and becoming this different person…having this new part in her life. She's sort of just been pushing her problems away as best as she can, trying to avoid them for as long as possible. And well, it's hard to do that. Especially with the constant reminders Meredith has surrounding her of the fact that she is very soon going to be completely responsible for another person. It's huge. And, trying to avoid all of that? It's emotionally exhausting. It's leaving her as this shell of herself, and Derek's noticing that. It's got him worried, but Mer really doesn't want to talk about it. Obviously, that would cancel out the avoiding she tends to gravitate towards. Plus, she's really not sure how to put it all into words. And, she wants to be happy, but she's stressed. And so it's difficult for her. _

_And Derek is worried, but not really sure what to do. When he tries to talk to her, she automatically closes off. The only way to keep her smiling and happy is to play her game, and avoid things that aren't fairly superficial and flirty. So he's trying to find a way to walk that very thin line, and be there for her on a deeper level, while just wanting to see her happy. And…what else. Oh, Izzie. She has baby issues. Obviously. A part of her sort of wants to live vicariously through Mer, and see her get all the stuff that she didn't get to have with her daughter. And so, she's ridiculously excited about throwing Mer a baby shower, taking her shopping, getting the nursery ready… She's goodhearted about it, but, at the same time, there is a teensy bit of wish fulfillment in there for her. It's keeping her from realizing that Meredith's whole attitude towards the pregnancy thing is very different from her own. (And…you know. Izzie and self-absorbed? They sorta kinda maybe go hand-in-hand.) And then, you know…Derek's mom and one of his sisters show up on Mer's doorstep. And they know things about Mer/Der. Nancy's there because I enjoyed her fabulous bitchiness on the show, but honestly…both of the women are very bitchy and not at all pleased with the idea of Meredith. I know they were mean, but…they were mean for a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but they do have a reason. It wasn't pointless bitchiness. They're both quite mad, the mother especially, and well…we'll see more of why next chapter. I guess that's about all I have to ramble about tonight. Thank you so much for reading! _


	28. Drifting Away Violently

_So, hello. First of all, thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. That was the most reviews I'd ever gotten for a chapter, and it made me so very bright and shiny. So very, very bright and shiny. So thank you so much to everyone who took the time to review. I really enjoy hearing what you think, and I'm very glad people liked the last chapter. As for the last chapter, yeah…Derek's family is currently not so nice. That's a bit of an understatement… They're rather flat out cruel. And yeah, Mer is a mess. And well, I know there's a lot of angst. But…I promise there's a point to all of it. So just, bear with me during the angst I guess is what I'm saying? Because this chapter, well…this chapter is really rather long, and this update is just the first half of the chapter because of the length. So, my point (I do have one) is that…I like angst? I don't know. We'll see at the end of the chapter. Anyway, that's about it for now. Please enjoy! _

-----  
_I'm here by myself  
I just wanna be happy  
I'm drifting away violently  
See through the static, the panic, the silence, the lull_  
-----

Meredith gaped up at Jacqueline wordlessly. She felt as if she'd just been slapped, and her mind was reeling, trying to come up with some sort of reply. She wanted to say something back. She _knew _she should say something back, but she felt as if she had forgotten how to speak. All she could manage to do was gasp in air as her cheeks flushed, staring wide-eyed up at twin masks of disapproval and disgust. "I'm…" she stammered out at last, shaking her head, and shuffling back a few steps. "I'm gonna…I'll go get Derek for you." She nearly choked on her words, but the act of speaking seemed to set her body free. She turned without waiting for a reply, hurrying up the stairs so fast that the small part of her mind that wasn't busy crumbling into pieces was amazed she didn't trip.

Her eyes started to sting as she made her way down the hallway of the second floor, and, by the time she pushed open the door to the bathroom, the corners had flooded with tears. Derek had his back to her, and was pulling on a pair of jeans, a towel slung over his bare shoulders to catch the droplets of water falling from his hair. "Hey, did you think of where you'd like to eat?" he asked, turning around at the sound of her footsteps. He had a smile on his face, but it faded away as he caught sight of Meredith. She stood framed in the open doorway--a pale trembling thing. "Whoa…" he gasped, his voice low and shocked as he instinctively crossed the length of the bathroom to reach her in one long stride. "Mer, what's wrong?" He placed his hands on her shoulders only to feel them shaking beneath him. She shrugged helplessly, eyes welling up, before leaning forward to press her face against the still damp skin of his chest. A small miserable whimper escaped her lips, but she offered him no explanation. "What is it?" he prodded gently, pulling her closer to him, and stroking her hair. She let out a strange strangled sob; free of tears yet full of pain, and Derek felt his heart break a little at the sound. "Shhh…tell me," he pleaded in a whisper, easing her back from his body to look into her eyes.

Meredith shrugged again and shook her head, blinking as she looked up at him. "We never…" she began, pausing to take a huge gulping breath. Derek nodded encouragingly, and she continued on in a rush. "We never said we would…that this was a… Well, I mean… I knew it would happen eventually, but this…this is a lot different than eventually. This is…now." She pressed the heel of her hand to her eyes, roughly blotting away tears as she stumbled over her words, Derek struggling to piece together what she was saying. "I can't do this now," she moaned, her voice apologetic as she gave a fierce shake of her head. "I'm sorry. I can't. They hate me… Already, they hate me." Backing away, Meredith slipped out of his arms, turning around within the bathroom almost frantically. "I've just…I've gotta go," she stammered desperately. "I need to go."

Derek frowned down at her; confused by her words, and alarmed at her obvious distress. She was still shaking, even her lower lip trembling, and so he caught her in his arms again, guiding her backwards to sit on the closed lid of the toilet. "Hey," he said quietly, dropping to his knees in front of her, and folding her small hands closely in his own. "It's gonna be okay." Meredith let out another anguished moan, and shook her head, unable to keep his mother's words from echoing over and over in her mind. The continued presence of the two women downstairs was only adding to her unease, and she bit down on her lip in a desperate attempt to still it. "Mer…I don't understand," he said, at a loss as to why she was so upset. "What happened? Can you try again? Who hates you?"

"Your mother," moaned Meredith, her voice thin and tremulous. She dropped her head to avoid his eyes, feeling suddenly ashamed. "And I guess…your sister. One of your sisters? Do you have a sister named Nancy?" She chanced a tentative glance at Derek to find him nodding his head, his expression one of pure astonishment. "Right…she's here too."

"My sister and my mother are here at your house?" asked Derek incredulously.

"Yeah. Downstairs." Meredith's voice was a quiet whisper as she watched the bewildered light in Derek's eyes darken into something more frustrated. "They want to see you," she added as he groaned, and ran a hand through the sleek wet curls of his hair.

"Great," he muttered, rocking back onto his heels. He was full of barely suppressed irritation, but, glancing back up at Meredith, it all evaporated, and he was left with nothing but concern. She was still trembling slightly, her eyes unnaturally wide and glistening beneath unshed tears. "Meredith," he said gently, getting to his knees once more. He let go of her hand to cup her face in his palm, trying to guess at why she seemed so incredibly shaken. "Take a deep breath," he urged. "This isn't good for you or the baby." His concern managed to draw the tiniest flicker of an amused smile from her, and she complied, seeming to relax a bit. "I'm sorry they just showed up," he continued, his voice apologetic. "They can be kind of determined. But, it's going to be okay. We'll go down there together, and I'll explain things to them, and…" He paused to grin at her, unable to keep from entertaining the idea of his mother taking to Meredith as quickly and completely as she had to Addison. "They'll love you Mer," he promised as she turned and pressed her lips to his hand. "You'll see."

She contemplated the idea for a moment--wishing she could believe him--before pulling her mouth from his fingertips to speak. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes losing their color, and growing gray and solemn. "I can't. I can't go back down there." Meredith shook her head, shrugging helplessly. "You go," she stammered. "I'll just…I'll go somewhere else. I'll…" She trailed off, uncertain of where she would even go.

"Mer, they're my family," said Derek quietly. "I know they're a lot to take in, but…I want them to meet you. They're not going to hate you. Why do you think--"

"Why not?" asked Meredith, cutting him off. "I'm just the…the slutty intern who broke up your…" Her voice cracked as the sting of tears reappeared in her eyes. "Who wrecked your…" she tried once more before giving up, and simply staring down at her lap, a single tear finally escaping to trace a telltale path down her cheek.

"Slutty intern?" echoed Derek. He spoke incredulously as the concern written in his eyes morphed quickly into outrage. "What did they say to you?" he demanded.

"Nothing," mumbled Meredith, taken back by the undeniable anger in his voice. "It's fine." She shrugged, and tried to smile, adding, "It's true, really." Derek shook his head, grasping her hands firmly in his.

"Meredith, what did they say?"

She stared at him helplessly; wanting to speak, but finding herself unable to repeat what his mother had said. A paralyzing combination of guilt and mortification was running through her, making it impossible for her to look Derek in the eyes, and say that his mother thought she was a whore. "Nothing," she whispered at last, her face flushing as she squirmed further backward, wishing she had never even answered the doorbell. "I'm fine. It's not a big deal." Her voice sounded almost bruised--completely at odds with her words. Derek lay his fingers gently over the small slender circle of her wrist, his expression sad and thoughtful.

"It looks like it's a big deal to you. That makes it a big deal to me, okay?" He spoke softly, forcing his anger out of his words, and offering her nothing but concern. Meredith nodded, but didn't look up, pulling her hand from his to run the back of it across her bleary eyes. Finally feeling as if she'd regained some semblance of control over her emotions, she looked back up, and managed a small wobbly smile.

"See?" she asked hopefully. "I'm fine."

Derek shook his head, knowing intrinsically not to believe her. "What happened?" he tried for the third time, but Meredith gave a sharp shake of her head as well. "Mer…"

"No…please don't," she stammered, reaching forward to pull herself to her feet. The motion compelled Derek to take a step back, bending down again to help her up. His hands raced up her arms, slipping beneath the wide gaping sleeves of her top, fingertips tracing intricate patterns over bare flesh. His eyes were dark and searching as he stared at her, and Meredith had to fight the urge to simply melt into his gaze, knowing it would likely lead to loud howling tears. Derek cocked his head to the side encouragingly, clearly waiting for some sort of explanation. "If you do," she continued tentatively, "I'm going to start crying. So please, Derek, just…don't." Everything about her from her voice to her eyes was begging him to drop it, and let her hold onto the small shred of self composure she'd managed to find. Derek sighed uncertainly; again torn between the knowledge that--if he would just push her harder--he would get answers, and his own inherent repulsion to the idea of putting her through something she was opposed to.

In the end, he simply pulled her to him, and wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Do you want them to go?" he asked gently, bending down so that his forehead rested against hers. "This is your house. They can leave right now if you want, and we can go out to dinner like we planned."

"No," sighed Meredith, her voice still unsteady. "They're your family. They flew all the way out here to see you."

"You're my family too," he said simply. He spoke as if this were common knowledge; something as fundamental as the need to breathe in oxygen, or the tendency for it to rain in Seattle. But to Meredith, the words were like a welcome salve over an old and gaping wound. It warmed her from within, stilling her shaking hands and trembling lips, and spreading a soft smile across her face.

"I love you," she whispered in response, her voice tentative and hopeful--almost making a question out of the statement.

"I love you too," he promised, pressing his lips to her forehead as she relaxed in his arms at the sound of his voice. He moved to her mouth, brushing his lips softly over hers--a gentle skimming touch. But as Derek pulled away, Meredith leaned forward slightly, feeling suddenly needy. Sharp and painful doubts had been set spinning in her mind by his mother--things she couldn't express to Derek--but her need for him was something he seemed to understand wordlessly. Without a moment's hesitation, he pulled her even closer, and let his lips come crashing back over hers. Meredith opened her mouth to him as her hands tangled themselves tightly in his damp hair, gaining reassurance from the strength of his body pressed against hers. The towel fell from his shoulders to the ground as her hands left his hair; fingertips obliterating lingering water droplets as she ran them down over the taut muscles in his back. "Mer…" he moaned; a low guttural sound that blotted everything but him from her mind. Derek's hands were already lost beneath her shirt as they went staggering backwards, knocking a hairdryer off the sink, and startling themselves apart at the clatter.

"Oh," gasped Meredith, her face flushed as Derek reached out to steady her. Sighing, she leaned forward; both of them catching their breath as she let her head fall back to rest against his chest. His hands played at the hem of her top, absently slipping beneath again to press against bare skin. But as they did, Meredith gave a slight shake of her head, and pulled away. "We can't now," she murmured. The warmth of Derek's body still lingered over her flesh, and it served to strengthen her confidence; allowing her to tilt her head towards the door in an indication of his waiting family without trembling.

"I know," he agreed, his dejection obvious as he bent down and retrieved his towel, quickly drying off his hair. "I've got to go see them," he added as he pulled on a shirt, his fingers making quick work of the buttons.

Meredith nodded. "Before they come up here," she muttered, wrinkling her nose and sounding suddenly anxious. Derek grinned at her in response as she perched on the sink to watch him dress. She wished that she could slow time, putting off the moment when they had to move beyond them alone in the bathroom. All too soon, he'd pulled his sweater on over his dress shirt, and had crossed back over to her.

"Mer," he began cautiously, laying a hand on her knee, and standing between her open legs. "It's up to you. Do you want…do you want to come with me?" Tilting his head to the side, he studied her carefully. "It's okay if you want to stay up here. I can tell them it's not a good time," he offered--his voice gentle--trying to convince her that he wouldn't care. Thinking back to the way Meredith had looked when she came crashing into the bathroom, he felt wary about even letting his mother and sister near her again. But, at the same time, Meredith couldn't help but pick up on the quiet strand of hope running through him; the desire for the two halves of his family to come together and accept each other.

And so she lay her hand over his, trying to steel herself to go downstairs with the promise that it couldn't possibly get any worse than what she'd just been through. "I'll come," she whispered at last, shifting forward to slide down from the sink.

"Yeah?" asked Derek tentatively, searching her eyes.

Yeah," she agreed, and she tried to fill her voice with confidence, but she clutched his hand desperately as she followed him out of the room and towards the stairs.

Meredith kept Derek's hand in a death grip as they descended the stairs together to find his family still waiting in the hallway. Both women had rather haughty bored expressions on their faces, and were talking together in lowered voices. However, as Jacqueline looked up and caught sight of her son, the cold exterior that had intimidated Meredith so seemed to melt away completely. Her harshness was softened by a warm smile, her blue eyes brightening radiantly as said her son's name. Crossing quickly to the foot of the staircase, she pulled Derek from Meredith and into her arms, kissing him on the cheek. From where she lurked behind them, Meredith found herself grudgingly admitting that Jacqueline Shepherd was beautiful--unable to miss the love and happiness written clearly in the older woman's features.

"Mom," greeted Derek as he pulled back from her, his hand moving instantly to find Meredith's again. "Hey Nancy," he added, turning to look at his sister.

She just rolled her eyes in response, saying, "Sure took you long enough." She arched an eyebrow, her expression slipping into a smirk as she glanced down at the joined hands of Meredith and Derek.

"What are you doing here?" asked Derek by way of reply, a definite edge to his voice. Looking down at Meredith, he found her almost cowering behind him, and tugged gently on her arm, pulling her closer until she was flush against his side. He smiled at her reassuringly, but she just bit her lip, green eyes wide and anxious.

Jacqueline's smile disappeared at his question, darkening into a frown as she watched him wrap an arm around Meredith. "I came to find out if you'd lost your mind," she said bluntly. "And apparently, you have."

"What?" asked Derek as a sharp frown flashed across his face. He held back a groan as Jacqueline shook her head, pursing her lips together in a gesture that--for as long back as he could remember--meant that his mother had a lot on her mind, and had no intention of letting anyone else speak until she'd said her piece.

"You need to ask?" she inquired incredulously, placing a long slender hand on her hip as she stared at her son--sharp and disapproving. Derek opened his mouth to reply, but she shook her head, cutting him off before he could breathe a single word. "As if disappearing to live in the middle of nowhere wasn't bad enough… Now you don't call, you don't write. You ignore your family." She ticked his offenses off on her fingers, scolding, "Don't think I don't know that it was Addie who signed your name on the Christmas card sent to me. I know your handwriting. I ought to. I _raised _you, after all."

"Mom," interrupted Derek, but she just held up a hand. She turned and started pacing back and forth in the dim hallway. Despite the distinct clacking of her heels, Meredith couldn't help but pick up on the similarity between mother and son; the motion a perfect echo of Derek's own tendency to pace.

"No," she continued, and the warmth with which she had greeted him vanished, replaced by an expression that was equal parts anger and pain. "Do you have any idea what it's like to try and invite your son and his wife back home for Easter since he's taken care to miss _every_ other holiday, only to find out that the number you thought was his doesn't work anymore? And then when you try calling his wife's phone, she tells you that they divorced two months ago. Do you know what that's like, Derek? Were you ever planning on telling me?" Her voice wavered almost imperceptibly, and she shook her head, glaring at him. "Not to mention that you're having a baby, and haven't thought to let me know about that either. You're my son, and you don't tell me about my own grandchild?" She halted her pacing, casting a quick glance at Meredith; managing to fit in a brief yet intense look of disgust in the midst of everything else as she asked, "When were you planning on telling me that you're having a baby with some girl I've never even heard of, or were you just going to wait until I found that out on my own too?"

Derek sighed and turned to Meredith who was staring straight ahead, transfixed by the genuine hurt in Jacqueline's eyes. After their introduction, she hadn't expected anything other than cold cruelty, but the deep sense of betrayal the other woman was radiating was acute. She looked away as Derek squeezed her arm, letting her attention drift back to him. Still more than a little wary, she leaned into the support offered by his body. "Mother," began Derek quietly, feeling a pang, not so much of regret, but of guilt over the fact that his desire to escape everything New York now stood for had led him to push his family so completely from his life. "I should've told you. After everything that happened, I just needed to get away, to start over, but…you're right. I should've told you. So…" He paused, and looked down at Meredith again, giving her a reassuring smile. "My girlfriend and I are having a baby--a girl, actually," he continued proudly, unable to keep from beaming as he eased Meredith forward a little. Feeling their eyes swivel towards her once again, Meredith trained her gaze on the floor, instinctively keeping herself as close to Derek as possible. "And this is my girlfriend Meredith," he added, his expression bright and hopeful as he looked at his family expectantly.

"Hi," she mumbled quietly, forcing herself to speak for Derek's sake.

Jacqueline regarded Meredith coldly, looking more than slightly irritated over the younger woman's introduction into the conversation. She turned quickly back to her son, giving a prim little shrug of her shoulders. "Yes, I've already met her," she said dismissively, casting another disapproving look at Meredith. "She's very _young_." Nancy had been leaning against the far wall, languidly examining her manicure, but she looked up at that, nearly sneering at her brother.

"Robbing the cradle Derek, really?" she asked, and Meredith flushed, turning her face towards his shoulder as if to hide herself.

"Stop it," said Derek sharply, positioning himself slightly in front of her. "Talking about Meredith like she's not here and can't hear you? It's not going to happen." His voice was firm, and his eyes darkened as he spoke. He felt as if his blood hummed through his veins, burning with the shock he felt at their blatant disregard for her. Turning back to Meredith, Derek's expression grew first tender, and then concerned. The color had drained completely from her face, and he swore she was shaking again, her nails digging sharply into his arm--clinging to him. "Sorry," he murmured, brushing his lips against her temple in apology. "Do you want to sit down?" She gave a slight shrug, feeling as if she had lost her voice. "Mer," he tried gently, shifting so that he stood in front of her, turning his back on his family, and hiding them from her view. "You look pale. Are you feeling okay?" He swung her hand in his, and she gave another nondescript shrug as Jacqueline cleared her throat pointedly. "Why don't we all sit down," decided Derek, turning back around to lock eyes warningly with his mother. Herding Meredith past his family, he found himself alarmed at just how quickly she followed him without even the slightest echo of her usual protests.

"Is she okay?" asked Nancy, her voice losing its earlier disdain as she followed after her brother.

"What do you think?" he snapped, easing Meredith down onto the couch in the front room. Derek settled himself next to her; one hand resting protectively over her stomach as the other played with her hair.

"No, the baby," continued Nancy flatly before turning to look at Meredith. "Do you feel alright?" she asked, her voice--while still not kind--suddenly grew politely professional. Meredith frowned and looked at her in confusion, saying nothing.

"My very annoying sister is an OB," explained Derek, speaking into Meredith's ear, and drawing a hint of a smile from her.

"Oh…" She glanced uncertainly at Nancy before nodding her head. "I'm fine," she said quietly, laying her hand over her stomach, and lacing her fingers with Derek's. "Thanks," she added, turning back to look at Derek who was eyeing her skeptically, full of concern. "Seriously Derek, the baby's good." She managed another smile, feeling slightly better now that she was sitting down, although she had a hunch that her improved mood also had something to do with the fact that Jacqueline hadn't yet come into the room. Derek's sister on her own was somewhat less intimidating.

"Okay," said Derek in response to her reassurance, turning to furrow his brow at Nancy. "Why are you here?" he asked. "I get mom flying out, but you…?"

Nancy shrugged and grinned at him, her dark eyes full of amusement. "I didn't want to miss the show," she said simply. Leaning forward, her voice grew conspiratorial as she added, "You should've heard mom when she first found out. Sarah had to drive up just to talk her out of staging a full family intervention."

"I don't need an intervention," said Derek sharply, offended at the idea. Nancy shrugged again; not commenting, yet saying plenty to the contrary with her eyes. He frowned and turned from her to find his mother standing in front of them, hands on her hips. Instantly, Meredith tensed, and huddled closer to Derek, not looking away from their clasped hands. Jacqueline was watching her son, her expression both expectant and demanding, and Derek gave a sharp jerk of his head towards an empty armchair. '_Be civil,' _he mouthed harshly as his mother took a seat, crossing one leg precisely over the other, showing no signs of acknowledging his request.

However, after a moment of tense silence, Jacqueline turned to Meredith. "Are you feeling alright?" she asked in a clipped voice.

"Umm…yes," breathed Meredith, still not lifting her gaze from her lap.

Jacqueline continued her questions as a shallow tightlipped smile spread across her face, never making its way to the blue depths of her eyes. "And when are you due?"

"Six weeks tomorrow," said Meredith apprehensively; finding the rapidly approaching date to be nearly as intimidating as the woman seated in front of her.

"I see…"

"Yeah…" Meredith spoke quietly, and as her voice faded away, the four of them fell into another strained silence, Derek fighting back the urge to simply start shouting at his family. Finally, Meredith raised her eyes to him imploringly, desperate for him to say something…anything to destroy the deathly hush that hung over the room.

At her unspoken request, he cleared his throat, and looked back at his family. "Did you have a nice flight?" he asked, his voice still a little harsh.

Nancy shrugged, and leaned back in her seat, stretching out her legs. "Long," she supplied as she stifled a yawn. But, after a moment of reclining, she perked back up, her expression suddenly bright and eager. "Oh, how's Addie?" she asked. Derek's only response was a glare, and Nancy was halfway to muttering a begrudging apology when Jacqueline leaned forward, joining in the conversation.

"Yes, how is Addison?" she asked, turning to shoot Meredith a pointed look, her blue eyes growing dark.

"She's fine," Derek answered tersely. He closed his eyes for a moment, beyond frustrated with his family, and struggling to determine just which thin line he was supposed to walk through this whole ordeal; whether to yell, or explain, or simply try and keep the peace. Meredith was stirring uncomfortably next to him, wanting nothing more than to get as far away from Derek's family as possible.

"Drinks!" she blurted out suddenly, latching onto an idea as three pairs of eyes turned towards her in confusion. "Um…do people want drinks?" she reiterated, her voice growing shaky once again. There was something about the way the women stared at her that made her skin crawl; without a single word, they managed to equate her quite plainly with something unpleasant they might have the misfortunate of scraping off the bottom of their shoe. Still, Meredith forced herself to keep speaking--stammering really--promising herself that she could earn a few minute of solitude in the kitchen that way. "We have, well…water. Umm, there's wine too, and juice. Coffee… And I think there's beer, and…Coke, maybe?" She turned to look at her boyfriend, his tired expression giving way to a smile as he listened to her ramble on about drinks. "Do we have Coke, Derek?" she asked.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I bought some yesterday. When you sent me out at two in the morning with," he paused and grinned at her, his eyes teasing, "your _extremely _reasonable demand for pasta salad, chocolate ice cream, pretzels, and…what was the last one?"

"Chicken wings," supplied Meredith with a smirk, giving in to the way he was looking at her. But after a moment, her grin faded away as--out of the corner of her eye--she saw Jacqueline stiffen in sharp disapproval at the sudden turn their conversation had taken. "Right…" she muttered uncertainly, turning back to the Shepherd women, and getting quickly to her feet. "Can I get you anything?" As she spoke, she swayed noticeably; suddenly lightheaded from standing up too swiftly. She reached out a hand to steady herself, but Derek already had her arm, leading her straight back down to the couch.

"Sit," he said sternly, standing over her worriedly as she obliged, and curled back up. She pressed a hand to her head, surprised to find that she was still as shaky as she had been in the bathroom. But as she leaned back against the soft fabric of the couch, the disconcerting sensation faded, and she breathed a sigh of relief. She frowned softly as she realized Derek had turned from her, and was speaking to his mother and sister, collecting their requests. "And what do you want Mer?" he asked, turning back to look at her.

"What?" She blinked up at him, cold dread washing over her as she realized her plan had backfired, and now Derek was leaving her alone to go get everyone their drinks.

"To drink," he elaborated, concern still etched clearly into every line of his face as he looked at her. _Tequila, _thought Meredith bitterly.

"Water." She fixed a determined smile on her face as she inched forward towards the edge of the couch. "But, I'm fine. I can go get everything. I was just a little bit dizzy, but now I'm good. Besides, it's your…"

"Mer," interrupted Derek, halting the swift tumble of words falling from her lips. He ran a finger down the side of her ashen face, frowning at how wan and pale she still was. "You don't look well. You need to sit. I'll be right back, I promise." He cut off any further protests by bending down and kissing her, glancing warningly at his family before vanishing in the direction of the kitchen. Meredith stared down at her lap, her eyes wide and horrified as she wished with every fiber of her being for the floor to simply open up and swallow her whole.

"That eager to get away?" asked Nancy snidely, breaking the silence as she smirked openly at the intern.

"What?" gasped Meredith, her voice a quiet burst of sound as she looked back up. "Oh, no. I just…nothing," she concluded after a moment's hesitation, unable to come up with even an unconvincing lie. She looked back and forth between the two women, suddenly feeling as if she were being hunted, cornered and trapped. "Well…" she breathed into the silence, avoiding the sharp predatory look in Jacqueline's eyes, reminding herself that Derek was no more than a room away, that she could handle another two minutes alone with his family. Maybe they would even be two silent minutes.

As if intercepting, and promptly moving to shatter her hope, Jacqueline began speaking. "So, Miriam--"

"Meredith," mumbled Meredith for the second time that day--not quite sure why she was bothering when she knew the correction would go unheeded. Sure enough, Jacqueline continued speaking as if she hadn't even heard her.

"Tell us about yourself. How old are you?"

"Umm, I'm twenty-eight," she answered, her voice coming out very small. Her throat felt rough, and she swallowed painfully, trying to ease the dry constriction. Jacqueline was regarding her with raised eyebrows--apparently offended by the number--yet saying nothing. After another long moment of silence, Meredith realized that they were waiting for her to keep speaking. Pushing her watch around and around her wrist in nervous circles, she racked her mind for some sort of neutral fact she could offer. "I'm a surgical intern," she continued at last. "So, I'm usually at the hospital." She wrinkled her nose, realizing sadly that that was hardly even true anymore, and qualified, "Well…not so much at the moment what with the baby almost due." She looked back down at her swollen stomach and shrugged.

"I see," said Jacqueline, speaking slowly and drawing out each word. "That's where you met Derek?" The question felt more like a sharp barb than a simple inquiry, and Meredith flinched a little, weakening under the woman's unrelenting attitude.

"Yeah…sorta," she mumbled, unwilling to point out that they had _technically_ met in a bar as a very drunken, very porny one night stand. Something told her that that would do nothing to strengthen her cause.

"Sorta?"

"I mean yes," amended Meredith, her face flushing. "Definitely. We met at work."

"But isn't he your boss?" continued Jacqueline swiftly, swooping in as if she had been waiting for just such an opening.

Meredith stared down at her lap, nodding imperceptibly. This wasn't supposed to bother her; the disapproval that came hand in hand with dating her boss. It was pretty much inherent in the situation, and she'd had plenty of it when she first started dating Derek, and again when she took him back. But somehow, the scorn in Jacqueline's voice was something sharper…something much more painful. "Yes," she managed at last.

"I see," repeated Jacqueline, once again drawling the words. "That's an _interesting _career move. Certainly not one that any of my daughters needed to make." Meredith turned pure crimson at that, her eyes starting to sting. She balled her hands into fists to stop their sudden shaking, and stared blankly at the ground, just barely managing to hold herself together.

Mercifully, Derek emerged from the kitchen moments later, doing his best to walk while balancing four very full glasses. As soon as he rounded the corner, his eyes went straight to Meredith, desperately searching her face to see if she were okay. He couldn't tell. She was staring down at her lap, her face impassive. Rolling her eyes at the slow shuffling pace at which her brother was moving, Nancy got to her feet, walking over to free him of her drink and their mother's. "So, what are we talking about?" asked Derek as he sat back down on the couch, glancing warily between the three women.

"Work," mumbled Meredith, closing her eyes as she drank deeply from her water, the liquid soothing her throat. She felt stretched thin and close to breaking, letting her head droop down to lay against Derek's shoulder despite the fact that she was sure it was earning her another death glare from Jacqueline. Her eyes were closed, and so…she couldn't see it, and she was trying as hard as she could to pretend that it didn't exist or, at the very least, that she didn't care. She wished desperately that she didn't care, but she couldn't shake the deep-seated knowledge that these people were Derek's family. They'd known him his whole lifetime, just as he'd known them, and surely that meant he listened to their opinions. Believed what they said… She shuddered at the thought of what they were bound to say to him when she wasn't present, almost missing the sound of Derek's voice as he spoke.

"Mer's a great doctor," he said proudly, knowing inherently that she had said nothing about her own talent. "She's going to make a great surgeon." Meredith felt a flicker of warmth within herself at his words, and she smiled slightly though she kept her eyes closed.

"Thank you," she whispered, her voice so soft that it reached his ears alone.

"Well she's got you teaching her," remarked Nancy, her dark eyes bright and amused. "How do you like learning from my brother?" Meredith looked up uncertainly at the question; feeling so scrambled within from their comments that she could no longer tell if the inquiry was one of simple curiosity, or if it were meant to be yet another jab at their relationship.

'Umm…it's good," she answered quietly, teeth pulling nervously on the corner of her lip. "He's--" Her comment was cut short by the sudden banging of the front door being swung open, followed by the sounds of three loud familiar voices. "Great…" muttered Meredith under her breath as Jacqueline's eyebrows shot straight up, and Izzie, George and Alex came stumbling into view. The two men were more than laden with shopping bags, their expressions frustrated as Izzie directed them gleefully towards the staircase.

"Mer?" called Izzie loudly. "We're home." Turning around, she caught sight of the group gathered in the front room, and instantly flung her arms out as if to block George and Alex from view. "Close your eyes!" she declared.

Meredith just frowned at her from her seat on the couch. "What?"

"Seriously Mer, I mean it," she continued. "It's baby shower stuff." She looked at Derek imploringly, adding, "Derek, don't let her peek!" He grinned at Meredith who sighed, and obliged by turning her head away from the trio gathered in her hallway.

"Izzie, this stuff weighs a ton," complained George, staggering under his very full armload before calling out a greeting to Meredith. She glanced back, and smiled wanly at him, which only managed to provoke Izzie further.

"I said no looking," she snapped, pointing a finger at Meredith. "And you," she turned back to George, "you know where my room is. Take everything up there, okay?" George grumbled, but headed towards the stairs with Alex following behind him. "Wait, Alex," she called out.

He turned around with a raised eyebrow. "Yes, slave driver?" Meredith chuckled at that, and he shot her an amused look, but Izzie seemed oblivious--her mind completely caught up in organizing the shower.

"Can you take this too?" she asked as she swung her bag off her shoulder, and added it to his pile. He looked at her incredulously, but held off on protesting--simply adjusting the bags, and heading for the stairs. "Great," breathed Izzie, dusting her hands off as George and Alex disappeared from sight.

"Do all these people _live _here?" asked Jacqueline in a horrified voice, her expression scandalized.

"Just George and Izzie," answered Meredith quietly, fidgeting nervously with a loose thread at the hem of her top.

"Oh _just_ two of them," interjected Nancy, filling her voice with over exaggerated false relief. She looked at her brother, and shook her head. "Derek, you're living in a frat house."

"They're just her roommates," he argued back as it finally seemed to register with Izzie that it was more than only Meredith and Derek gathered in the front room. She walked in, sprawling lazily against the back of Jacqueline's chair, the older woman turning around to look at her with raised eyebrows and a slightly curled upper lip.

"What's going on with the party in here?" she asked, looking past Jacqueline to cast a curious glance at Meredith.

"Derek's family," she muttered, causing Izzie's face to light up once more as she looked down at the woman in front of her.

"Aww, the Shepherds," she declared, grinning at Jacqueline. "How cute!"

"Ah…yes, this is my mother, Jacqueline, and my sister, Nancy," said Derek, tilting his head in their direction as he spoke.

"Great," continued Izzie, looking thrilled. "I'm Izzie…oh! This is perfect. You guys have to come to Mer's shower tomorrow. Seriously. This'll be perfect. There'll be more than enough stuff, and eight people just sounds so much better than six." She was still grinning at them winningly, but Derek felt Meredith's body tense as she leaned against him, and he turned to her, dropping his voice to a low whisper.

"They absolutely don't have to be here. At all," he said simply, reaching out and tilting her face towards him to find himself staring into eyes that were blank and helpless. "Don't think for a second that it would offend me," he urged, knowing that she was more than likely to put up with them for his sake.

"Of course," interjected Jacqueline loudly. She had been leaning forward, listening to their conversation intently, and she shot Meredith a challenging look. "I wouldn't dream of coming to _my _granddaughter's shower if you don't want me there." Her voice was calculating and artificially sweet, and Meredith could only blink at her.

"You're welcome to come," she said quietly, reflexively. Inside, her mind was screaming at her to tell the woman there was no way in hell she was coming to the party, but it felt as if everything within her had weakened. She couldn't even believe Derek because they _were_ his family. All she could do was let herself crumble a little more; giving way, and bending over, and breaking off another piece of herself. Izzie's voice sounded far away, and the happiness within it painfully foreign as her friend nodded her head eagerly.

"Oh yay," she said with almost childlike joy; once again missing her friend's pain in the act of recreating what she never quite got to have for her own daughter. "It starts at four, so…don't be late." She turned to look at Meredith, adding, "I've got to go get stuff ready, and that means, whatever you do, absolutely no coming into my room." She pivoted on her heel and flounced out of the room and up the stairs, leaving the small group in total silence. Jacqueline and Nancy seemed completely taken back by the sight of Izzie at her most boisterous, and it was close to a full minute before the older woman's expression morphed from shock into disapproval.

"Derek," she began sharply, pursing her lips together. "You live here, with all these…? Well that girl can't be more than twenty-five, and…are you _sure_ she's quite alright in the head?"

"She's perfectly sane," snapped Meredith, despite her own aversion to the baby shower and Izzie's newfound and unrelenting joy for it. The idea that Jacqueline would turn from attacking her to attacking one of her friends filled her with a brief burst of anger, giving momentary strength to her fading voice.

Nancy leaned towards her brother, her dark eyes shining. "So what is this, Der? Your attempt at a midlife crisis?" She laughed at his irritated expression, adding, "Don't get me wrong, it's impressive. I just think you're a few years early." Derek's jaw clenched, something within him tightening as he stared blankly at his family. Before he could think to reply, Jacqueline had resumed speaking; his sister and mother falling back into the pattern of speaking in quick succession; something all the women in his family seemed to have mastered.

"Whose house is this anyway?" she asked, turning in her seat as if taking in the room for the first time. "Rather large for an intern's salary."

"It's my mother's," said Meredith quietly.

"I see. And your mother, is she…?"

"She's in Seattle, just not here." Meredith frowned and stared down at the clear surface of her empty water glass, desperately wanting to avoid discussing her mother.

"That's got to be helpful," said Nancy, her voice genuinely kind for a change, "having her so close for all of this. I remember…" Meredith's face fell as the other woman spoke, and she shook her head, twisting in her seat nervously.

"No, she…ah," stammered Meredith. She felt Derek lay a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but she avoided his eyes and everyone else's, instead leaning forward to set her glass down on the small table with trembling hands. "She doesn't know I'm pregnant."

Jacqueline raised an eyebrow, peering at Meredith over the rim of her wine glass. "Really?" she asked. "Is that a trend with this pregnancy?"

"Mom, drop it," said Derek sharply, his eyes full of a warning. "Her mother is none of your business." Jacqueline just laughed disbelievingly, shaking her head.

"What?" she continued innocently, turning back to Meredith. "I'm just curious. Is not informing the grandparents in fashion these days, or were you just too ashamed to let your mother know that your baby broke up a marriage?" Meredith stared at the woman blankly. The whole world felt suddenly far away, the instantaneous angry sound of Derek's voice registering as something faint and indiscernible. Her mind was reeling with the memories of every visit to the nursing home she'd made since deciding to keep the baby, of the few times she'd tried to get her mother to look at the ultrasound scans, to understand enough to want to feel the baby kick, to…anything, really. Anything would've been enough, but there had been nothing at all. And now, apparently her daughter was something to be ashamed of. Fighting back a sob, Meredith got blindly to her feet, brushing Derek's hand away as he reached for her.

"Excuse me," she whispered, pushing past the group, and hurrying towards the stairs.

"Mer," he said worriedly, getting up to follow after her. She just shook her head, wanting desperately to be alone. She was used to being alone. It was safer…something she knew how to handle.

"Don't," she stammered. Her voice shook as she spoke, but she didn't look back.

"Just let her go," suggested Nancy, prompting Derek to whirl back around to face his family. His blue eyes had gone black, and his mouth was set in a thin rigid line. His whole body radiated disbelief, the set of his shoulders tense and angry.

"You have no right to talk to her like that," he snapped, turning to focus on his mother.

"What am I supposed to think Derek? She doesn't tell her own mother when they live in the same city? Clearly, the girl's ashamed, and she should be after what…"

"Hold your tongue," he growled, anger quickly escalating into something harder. Shaking his head, he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Her mother has Alzheimer's," he said, his voice growing deathly quiet. "Meredith visits her nearly every week, but her mother doesn't even recognize her anymore."

"Oh…" gasped Nancy sadly. Jacqueline just sat there staring up at her son, seeming for once to be completely at a loss for words.

"Not that any of that is your business," he continued sharply. "But for you to suggest that she's ashamed to tell her mother…" Derek's eyes darkened even more, and he gave a sharp shake of his head. "Meredith has nothing to be ashamed of," he said vehemently. "But you, the both of you," he glared at Nancy, including her, "you have a hell of a lot to be ashamed of." Without giving them a chance to reply, Derek turned abruptly, hurrying up the stairs, and leaving his family alone in the silent front room.

He made his way down the long hallway of the second floor. The door to Meredith's room hung wide open, but as he walked in, he found it empty. "Mer?" he called, his eyes drifting to the closed door of the bathroom. Crossing to it quickly, he tried the doorknob only to find it locked. "Meredith…" He leaned his head against the smooth wood paneling, listening carefully. He couldn't hear crying, but he thought he heard the ragged sounds of someone breathing. "Please open the door," he continued in a low voice, pressing his palm to the surface as if it would somehow bring her nearer to him. "I'm so sorry…they shouldn't have said any of that." Listening intently, hopefully, Derek let out a pained sigh when he got no reply.

Meredith sat on the other side of the closed door, curled against the cold surface of the tub with her feet tucked underneath her. She closed her eyes, pretending she couldn't hear his voice, pretending that all that was left in the world was breathing. If she could just keep breathing--in and out, and in and out--she was sure she would be okay. Somehow… Maybe, she would be okay. Eventually, her racing heart slowed down, and she brushed three fingers curiously over her eyes, surprised to find them perfectly dry. Everything within her felt raw and abused, and she wasn't sure how she was supposed to go about fixing that. She thought staying in the bathroom forever might be a good place to start, but as she leaned her head back against the edge of the tub, she could no longer blot out Derek's voice. The way he said her name was tortured and pleading, filled with worry; impossible to ignore. And so for him alone she stood up, crossing the bathroom on shaky feet to open the door.

The opening of the door cut his voice off, and they stared wordlessly into each other's eyes. She blinked up at him, her face blank and her eyes unreadable, the complete opposite of the whirlwind of emotions scrawled across Derek's features. He reached out for her almost tentatively as if they were moving in slow motion, fingers finally alighting just beneath her wrist. "Mer," he murmured, breaking the silence, and pulling her towards him. "I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." He wrapped her in his arms, whispering apologies into the tangled strands of her hair. But she remained almost limp against him, her arms lifeless at her side, trying just to remember to breathe. Finally, he pulled back a little to look at her, his heart clenching at the bitter cold light in her eyes; at the way she cried without shedding a single tear. "Meredith please," he whispered, tracing the side of her face with a trembling finger--troubled by her stony silence, and desperate to hear her voice. "Say something to me. Anything."

Meredith frowned, running her tongue along her lower lip. "I'm okay," she said quietly.

He turned away from her at that, dragging a hand through the dark curls of his hair as he paced the length of the room and back to her. "Will you stop doing that?" he asked, and she cocked an eyebrow, questioning him silently. "Stop telling me you're fine when you're not," he elaborated, his face simultaneously earnest and frustrated. "You've been doing it for months now."

"I…" began Meredith warily, shaking her head. She hesitated, unsure of how to finally let down that last inner wall she'd raised so carefully around her heart, afraid of what would happen if she were finally to live completely without it. And so, clinging to what she knew, she smiled at him. "But I am fine," she assured him, struggling to keep her voice light and convincing. "You think that was bad?" She laughed nervously, shaking her head again. "You haven't heard anything until you've met my mother lucid." Derek's expression softened as he stared at her, and he reached out for her hand again, looping his fingers loosely with hers.

"Mer…" He spoke quietly, almost helplessly; at a loss for how he was supposed to help her, how he was supposed to make amends for what his family had done. "What did they say to you earlier?" he asked at last, remembering the pure devastation caught in her eyes when she'd first stood briefly unguarded in the doorway. Meredith felt herself seize up inside again, and she shook her head.

"You should go talk to your family," she said, looking away from his eyes. "They flew from New York to see you."

"No," said Derek flatly. "I have nothing to say to them. They're apologizing to you, and then they're leaving." She drew away from him a little more, balking at the idea of even going back down there to face his family again. Shifting on the balls of her feet, she frowned down at the floor, torn between her reluctance to be the rift between Derek and his family, and the way she still felt as if she were crumbling within as their voices echoed in her head.

"I have to clean up first," she stammered at last, gesturing towards her disheveled hair and blotchy face.

"Okay," agreed Derek, leaning against the doorframe, intent on waiting for her. Meredith just frowned at him, placing her hand flat against his chest and pushing slightly.

"I'm fine," she said again, finding it easier to get out the more she kept repeating it. "Go. I'll meet you downstairs."

"I'm not leaving you alone up here," replied Derek stubbornly, something deep within him telling him not to let her out of his sight right then. But Meredith just rolled her eyes, letting annoyance momentarily replace the pain that filled her.

"I don't need babysitting," she said, her voice just as stubborn. They stared at each other; their jaws both squared and their eyes unrelenting. Finally, Meredith sighed, and smoothed a hand over the mess of her hair. "You hurt them," she said quietly, glancing down at the ground, and then back up into his eyes. "Especially your mother…when you didn't tell them about your divorce, or the baby, or…_me_." She bit her lip, trying not to let the thought that he hadn't mentioned her to them become yet another thing plaguing her conscious. "And--" She shifted nervously, shaking her head. "I don't know…" She shrugged, and shuffled away from him towards the sink. Derek ran his hand through his hair yet again, the thick black strands nearly standing on edge from repeated tousling. A small reluctant part of him knew that she was right, and that there were things left to say to them that could be expressed that much easier if Meredith were absent.

He sighed heavily, looking at her as she yanked her fingers from her hair. "Do you feel okay?' he asked worriedly, remembering how she had nearly fell before just getting up from the couch.

Meredith rolled her eyes, glancing back over her shoulder at him. "I feel great," she said dryly, her sarcastic tone tugging a small amused grin across Derek's face. "Seriously Derek," she continued as she turned back to the mirror. "Go on."

"You're sure?" His voice was still apprehensive, and he walked over to where she stood, turning her around to face him. Meredith rolled her eyes again, nodding her head. "And you'll come down when you're ready?" She gave another nod as he leaned down and captured her lips with his, wanting to erase everything his family had said to her from his memory. "I'm sorry about them," he said quietly as he pulled away, touching her cheek fondly. "They don't know what they're talking about."

And Meredith just nodded once more, feeling the sting of the tears she'd managed to hold at bay finally creep forward to threaten the corners of her eyes. "Go on," she whispered, slumping back against the sink as Derek finally left the room. She dragged her arm over her leaky eyes, wiping away the few tears that had came unbidden when Derek turned his back. Wearily, she shuffled around to face the sink again, staring at her reflection. Her skin was simultaneously too pale and too flushed, and she found it hurt to look into her own eyes. Sighing, she looked away and turned the faucet on, dousing her face in water so cold it had her fingers trembling as she groped blindly for a towel. Making one last valiant attempt to repair her hair, Meredith found herself wishing she hadn't sent Derek away so quickly. The solitude she had been craving was nowhere near as comforting as it used to be; without him there Jacqueline's voice simply resumed playing over and over again in her mind.

She leaned against the sink, resting her weight on the palms of her hands as she tried to steel herself to go back downstairs and face them again. She moved almost robotically, unable to let herself think of anything beyond putting one foot in front of the other as she made her way across the length of her room and back out into the hallway. But as she stepped out into the open air of the house, even that narrowed concentration failed her. Meredith could hear loud voices--angry and argumentative--floating their way up from downstairs. She stood there paralyzed by the blurred indistinct sounds of Derek arguing with his family, and the last bit of strength she'd reserved deep within herself inexplicably snapped.

She couldn't do this.

Like the tension in a tightly coiled spring finally being released, Meredith pivoted sharply, marching straight back into her room. Their voices were swelling louder and louder within her head as she searched blindly through her things, finally finding her purse and her keys. Lowering herself awkwardly to the floor, she fished an old pair of sneakers out from under her bed, and jammed her feet into them. She couldn't do this. That was all she knew. She couldn't do this. It felt like some bizarre survival instinct forcing her from her own house, but she could barely breathe around the people who'd invaded it. Tears seemed to come in reverse; not from her eyes, but welling up deep inside her lungs, leaving her smothered and uncertain, breathing in shallow breathy gasps.

The swell of arguing voices blotted out the sound of the backdoor being slowly eased open and shut. A single broken sob escaped Meredith's lips as she finally leaned against the back wall of her house. She was outside. She was supposed to be able to breathe out here, to feel freer and safer somehow. That had been the vague ghost of a plan in the back of her mind, but…nothing seemed to be changing. Shaking with frustration and exhaustion, she stared at the few faint strands of daylight lingering in the west, before forcing herself to swallow the rest of her tears, and stumble to her car. She leaned her head against the wheel as she slipped the key into the ignition, realizing she had no clue where to go. And she stayed like that for a long time, her shoulders shuddering and her breathing coming in shallow gasps. But finally, Meredith straightened up, and once again dried her eyes. She threw the car into reverse, backing down the drive, and turning sharply out onto the street. She had no idea where to go, but suddenly that seemed unimportant. Blinking back another fresh threat of tears, Meredith forced herself to keep breathing despite the fact that her lungs themselves seemed to be shuddering. Everything hurt, and she just…

She just couldn't do this.

-----

_So yes, here we are. I don't know where exactly to start talking about this chapter, but I do have many thoughts. (My apologies if I get obsessively rambly.) Basically, we've got Mer going all over the place emotionally. When she went up to Derek originally, she was still very shaken by the arrival of his family. But she can't bring herself to repeat what his mother said to her because she's embarrassed and hurt, and she doesn't want him to see her as some tramp who broke up a marriage. She just wants to stay away from them, and avoid. But…Derek goes and calls her his family, which is big to her since she has virtually no family, and she knows these people are important to him. (He did say he'd want them there if he were in a coma after all!) So, she decides to go downstairs for his sake, and just hope that maybe things will get better. Only, obviously, it doesn't. Because Jacqueline and Nancy adored Adds. And Jacqueline's hurt that her son moved clear across the country, and has not spoken to his family in several months, and then she finds out he's divorced, and having a baby with one of his interns, and she feels very much as if Mer has stolen her son and turned him into this completely different person. Which, obviously is not the case, but she's charging ahead and lashing out as Mer as the easiest target, and, in the process, hurting her a lot. _

_And Derek is just…completely concerned for Mer. He doesn't get just how hateful his family was at first because Mer doesn't tell him, and the harshest things they say to her are when he's out of the room, but when they talk about her mother at the end and Mer runs upstairs, he finally gets just how cruel they were being. And he's furious with them. And Mer doesn't know how to deal with all of this. She's got a lifetime of handling everything on her own, and the fact that she doesn't just open up to Derek frustrates him. And she doesn't want to be this person coming between him and his family, coming in between something she never got to have herself. And at the end of the chapter, yeah, she's very much falling apart. She has no idea what she's doing, just that she feels like she needs to get away, she needs to breathe. But yes…none of this is very good for her at all._

_So, coming up? More angst! (Sorry…) But, like I said before, it is going somewhere. I promise. And, that's about it for now. Next week is midterms at school, and unfortunately I will probably need to study for those, assuming I want to, you know, pass. So, the next update may be a little slower due to that, but hopefully not too long. Anyway, thanks so much for reading!_


	29. Nightminds

_Okay, so…I'm still fairly buried beneath mountains of schoolwork. However, I managed to carve out a good chunk of procrastination time to get this chapter up! Now…this chapter is long. I say that a lot, but I actually debated splitting this one again…even though I'd already split this chapter between this part and the one before. But, I decided enough splitting already, or something… So, beware. This chapter is very, very long. I hope it works okay, and you don't fall asleep trying to read the whole thing. And anyway, because it's longish, I'm not going to say much else. Just, thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate it. It keeps me going, and motivated to finish the story when just lazing on the couch doing nothing seems like a nice option too! Hee. Anyway, enjoy!_

-----  
_But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,  
So we can both be there, and we can both share the dark.  
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds  
And into the light at the end of the fight_  
-----

Derek walked slowly down the stairs, just one foot in front of the other; every step slow and methodic, flat and dull. The heavy echoing thuds mimicked the beating of his heart, pretending to be as dull and weary and dark as his thoughts. Hesitating for a long tortured second, he raked his fingers back through the dark disheveled mess of his hair, and tried to will himself to keep walking. One more step and his family would come into his line of sight. His family. The word and the reality felt painfully disjointed now, leaving him buried beneath layers of confusion, outrage and simple hurt. Derek lingered a little longer, his body finally taking over for his mind, bringing him numbly from the foot of the stairs and into the stony silence of the front room.

His mother and his sister sat where he had left them, following his entrance with their eyes. Without giving them any sign of acknowledgement, Derek let his body fold seamlessly down into the curves of the couch, his head falling forward to rest in his hands. The silence was exquisite--dense and silky smooth, seemingly devoid of even the sounds of their breathing--and in that moment, neither woman dared to break it. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like days, but eventually, just as his body had brought him from the stairs, Derek's hands deserted his face, leaving him to face his family. He shook his head, every word coming out low and rough. "I don't even know what to say to you."

The sound of her son's voice seemed to free Jacqueline because she sighed quietly, and left her seat to sit beside him on the couch. "Derek," she began, her voice as gentle as his had been coarse. "Your sisters are worried about you. _I'm _worried about you." He let his head fall forward again at that, but stopped its downward motion by catching his chin with his fist, grunting as he twisted to face her. Jacqueline continued--speaking quickly--as if eager to get as much out before the dark look in Derek's eyes found its way into words. "You seem so different now, and I'm afraid you're not giving yourself time to grieve for your marriage. You're just rushing into this new…life. And this new girl, she--" Jacqueline's voice took on a pointed edge as she broached the already volatile subject of Meredith, and Derek sat straight up as if his slumped form had been full of tightly coiled tension that found itself suddenly released.

"What did you say to her?"

Jacqueline sighed again and shook her head, skirting the question. "If you would just listen…"

"_What_ did you say to her?" He repeated the question with more force--filling the words with something venomous. He stared straight at his mother and she stiffened, blue darkening to black simultaneously in the mirrors that were their eyes.

"Nothing untrue." She spoke unapologetically, her voice clear and intensifying without raising in volume; a reminder that her temper was every bit the equal of her son's.

"Nothing untrue?" repeated Derek, getting to his feet. He crossed the length of the room in five swift steps--every motion terse and frustrated--before rounding back on his family. "You don't even know her. How the hell do you know what's true? You didn't try for so much as five minutes to get to know her before you started judging her." He forced himself to fall silent at that, and give them a chance to reply; using every ounce of his will to still both his body and his tongue and simply let the accusation hang in the air.

And the reply he got was an awkward peal of laughter meant to disguise the slightly nervous unsettled feeling that filled Jacqueline as she watched her son. He seemed so changed to her. Even though he had always been infinitely more reserved than all her daughters combined, the Derek she knew was supposed to be warm and polite. Her son was charming, and cared for his family. Shepherds weren't supposed to abandon each other with nothing more than a few brief words of explanation, and move clear across the country. They didn't divorce. And yet, he had. Staring up at him, she saw nothing save a dark and troubled man. His eyes were angry, and filled with something she had never seen before in him, and couldn't place. He was resolutely closed off, the center of his world having shifted far, far away from New York. That shift had left a long trail in its wake, one full of things that she never would have expected of him, things that made her heart hurt, and wonder why her son had forgotten everything she thought she'd taught him. Jacqueline sighed as her laughter faded away, once again placing the blame for the loss of her son squarely on the new variable introduced into what she had long considered to be a perfectly balanced equation.

"What?" she began, as crisp and accusing as Derek had been. "You want me to welcome her with open arms when she broke up an eleven year marriage?"

"Meredith didn't break up anything," said Derek flatly, his answer immediate.

Jacqueline narrowed her eyes. "Your divorce was finalized just a few months ago, and that girl looks as if she could give birth any day now." She paused and shook her head, and when she continued, her voice was tinged with disappointment. "You had an affair with her."

"It wasn't an affair," said Derek angrily, hating to let the word soil what he and Meredith had been when they first started dating, hating the heavy implications the word cloaked her with. But his sister--who had previously sat close to invisible, for once holding her tongue and deferring to their mother--rolled her eyes and scoffed loudly at that. "It wasn't," repeated Derek, his voice growing louder, the set of his jaw stubborn.

"Really Derek," said Jacqueline coolly. "I'm your mother, not an idiot. What else do you call taking up with some girl when you're still married?"

"She's not just some girl," snapped Derek, glaring down at his mother. "She has a name." Jacqueline just raised an eyebrow, not at all swayed by his illogical denial of what to her seemed completely obvious, undeniably true. Derek heaved a sigh, the sound heavy and frustrated, dropping back down into a chair. His body felt weary, and he slumped in his seat, frowning at his family. "It's complicated," he tried at last. He struggled, but could find no desire to share his history with Meredith with his family. It was private…personal. After the way they had treated her, he expected nothing more from them save attempts to cheapen what he held in his memory as something precious. And so he gave a sharp shake of his head, arms folding over his chest as his expression grew petulant. "Addison cheated first." The words felt childish as soon as they left his lips, and he groaned, knowing instinctively that they would be misconstrued.

"I know she hurt you," said Jacqueline, her tone softening. "What she did was wrong, but it wasn't an excuse for you to break your vows as well. And Addison's sorry. She moved clear across the country for you, and you know as well as I do how she loves New York!" There was a fondness in her eyes as she spoke of his former wife, the woman's one mistake not enough to sullen over eleven years of memories of her coupled with her penitence apparent in giving up the job in Manhattan she had spent years cultivating. Jacqueline leaned forward, and pushed on. "Besides, can you even find what she did to be so unforgivable after having an affair yourself?"

"It's not a question of unforgivable or not," said Derek shortly. "We're divorced. It's over."

"I still don't see how you could divorce Addie," muttered Nancy, scowling at him through the veil of her lashes. Derek said nothing, his thoughts already drifting back to Meredith. He wanted to abandon the frustrations inherent in dealing with his family, and go up to check on her again. But he forced himself to sit still, knowing that she would more than likely not welcome the interruption, would find it smothering. Nancy ran a hand over the sleek surface of her hair, interpreting her brother's silence as an opening to continue. "She was great for you. Without her you've managed to turn into some crazed woodsman who lives in a frat house and knocks up his interns."

"I'm happy now," growled Derek, his voice hoarse; everything about his tone the complete opposite of the emotion he referenced. He got to his feet again, his frustration making it impossible for him to sit still. "Meredith makes me happy." Jacqueline made a soft disapproving sound low in her throat, and Derek whipped back around to glare at her. "Why do you hate her?" he demanded, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, and meeting his mother's steely gaze.

Derek's eyes were pained, and Jacqueline looked at him pityingly as she took a deep breath, promising herself that she wouldn't stop until she'd helped him understand. "You move clear across the country," she began, earning an irritated groan from Derek at the return to her earlier point. She simply held up a long slender hand--soft skin beginning to wrinkle with age, contrasting with the hard perfection of her manicure--and continued speaking. "You live in a trailer off in a forest somewhere, and force Addison to go against everything within herself to live there too. And then you get into a mess with one of your interns, and leave that amazing woman to…what? To live here?" She spoke incredulously, casting another glance around the house that overflowed with interns. "To run around with one of your subordinates, and proceed to throw away the past eleven years of your life?" she continued, her voice rising slightly. "What about your marriage and your vows? How am I supposed to approve of Meredith when she's reduced you to this? I raised you to have morals. And this is just…" She paused and shook her head, still more than a little overwhelmed by the fact that her son had divorced his wife. He was divorced. It went against everything in her own upbringing. She pursed her lips together, staring up into Derek's eyes, and finding his expression unreadable. "Do you have any idea what your father would think if he could see you now?" she added in a shaky voice.

The silence that followed her words was deathly; mother and son staring at each other, completely motionless. "See?" ventured Nancy at last, finding herself unnerved by the sudden thick tension within the room. She tried to grin, tried to laugh, tried to make her voice light. "She's bringing up dad. Told you she was pissed, Der." Derek gave a slight nod in his sister's direction. He knew what she was trying to do, and he felt a brief surge of gratitude for her attempt to ease the tension, but he couldn't seem to say anything. The mention of his father felt hideously akin to having a knife wrenched deep into his gut. He looked away from his family, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, feeling alone and misunderstood in entirely new ways.

"Derek," continued Jacqueline, her voice pleading with him to understand, to become her son again, to just stop staring at the ground. "I know people make mistakes. I know that. I was so proud of you for trying to work past Addie's…even if it meant you moved clear across the country. I _was _proud of you." She glanced down at her hand, twisting her wedding rings around her finger. Her husband had been dead for years, and yet, she had never stopped wearing them. She wasn't sure why she still did; a reminder; a habit; a way to cling to old fading memories. Maybe a little bit of all three. Folding her hands together to still them, she looked back up at Derek. "I know this is different because there's a baby involved, and you want to do the right thing, but there are ways to deal with this without giving up your life. You could have still been fair to Meredith, and taken care of your child without…" She paused, giving Derek an opportunity to speak as she tried to interpret the reasoning behind the bitter darkening of his eyes. He remained wordless and motionless, horrified into silence. Finally, Jacqueline got to her feet as well, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I just--" she sighed. "I just don't want to see you throwing away everything you've spent your whole life working towards for this woman you barely know, just because you're hurt and angry, and feeling the need to get back at Addison."

Derek blinked and drew away from her, feeling almost as if he were falling. "I'm in love with Meredith," he said hoarsely, too shocked by his mother's words to manage anything else.

"You _really_ love her?" asked Nancy curiously, sounding skeptical yet less closed off to the idea than their mother still was. "This isn't a case of 'Damn, she's hot. Oh crap, she's pregnant'?"

"No," said Derek, his voice flat and tinged with disgust. "It's not. I love her, but the two of you seem determined to hate her."

"I don't hate her," snapped Jacqueline, a hand going to each hip. "I just think that you're making a very bad decision. And you're my son, Derek. If I don't say this to you, nobody will."

"Why is this a bad decision?" he snarled, the words coming out broken edged and angry. "Enlighten me, mom."

"She broke up a marriage," insisted Jacqueline immediately, her voice raising to match Derek's; just a hair below shouting. "A _marriage, _Derek. How can you not question her morals? Her integrity? She apparently sees no problem in having an affair with her boss!" She shook her head, her voice growing louder as she finally stopped curbing some of the darker thoughts that had been plaguing her since she'd first heard about Derek's unborn child, the words coming out like the harsh crack of gunshots. "For all you know, she might've gotten pregnant on purpose to get you to leave Addison. Are you even completely sure that's your baby?"

Derek pulled away from his mother as if she had slapped him, his eyes growing steely as the room filled with a roaring silence. He felt as if he were seeing red, and living one breath away from snapping completely. "If you want to have any hope of ever seeing your granddaughter," he began, his voice cold and full of something dangerous, his heart full of Meredith. "You will _never _speak about her mother like that again."

"Derek…"

"No," he shouted. "You walk into _her_ house uninvited, and insinuate that she's a whore? You're unbelievable. Show her some fucking respect." Jacqueline raised her eyebrows; as taken back by her son swearing at her as he had been by her words.

"Respect?" she echoed shakily, furiously, her heart aching for what had been lost. "Addison was like a daughter to me. How am I supposed to respect someone who would knowingly destroy that? Knowingly take away a piece of my family forever?" Through the heavy haze of anger surrounding him, something clicked into place in Derek's mind, and he realized that part of his mother's reaction stemmed purely from hasty conclusions and a lack of knowledge.

"She didn't know," he snapped.

"What?"

"Shut up and listen," he growled, every last shred of trying to be polite to his family destroyed. "I'm not going to bother explaining this twice. Meredith didn't know. She's the only one innocent in all of this. She didn't know I was her boss when we met, and she didn't know I was married. _I_ didn't tell her. We dated when I first moved out here, and she was…" Derek shook his head, his expression softening at the mere thought of her. "She's amazing," he continued as a slight smile played across his face. "She's the kindest person you'll ever meet. She's intelligent. Addison and I didn't make each other happy. We were just existing together out of habit. We weren't living, not really. But with Meredith…" He paused again, taking in his mother's blank expression, and the vaguest hint of a mildly impressed smile playing at the corners of Nancy's mouth. Giving another shake of his head, he sat back down on the couch, and raked a hand through his hair. "And the baby? That happened before Addison came to Seattle, before Meredith even knew about her." Derek groaned and buried his face in his hands, finding it painful to revisit what he'd put Meredith through those first few months even in memory. "I'd already left her to try and fix things with Addison before she realized she was pregnant," he continued quietly. "And when Mer did tell me, she told me to keep trying with my wife…that I shouldn't get a divorce just because of the baby." He let out a short incredulous bark of a laugh, saying, "I mean, the idea that she'd get pregnant on purpose to…what? Blackmail me into being with her? Not only is it impossible, it's nothing short of insane. The program she's in is _hard._ She's risking her spot, and everything she spent the past four years working for, to have our baby. If Richard didn't adore her like he does…" Derek trailed off again, thinking of how difficult the past few months had been for Meredith, and of how many rules had been silently bent for her without her knowledge. Casting a glance towards the empty staircase, he felt suddenly anxious about her continued absence. It was taking her far too long to come downstairs. He looked back at his family, and a frown scrawled across his face as his nerves jangled over Meredith. "Not that any of this is your business," he continued when neither woman made any attempt to respond, but simply stared blankly at him. Unable to sit still any longer, he got to his feet, and headed towards the stairs.

"Where are you going?" called Jacqueline, her son's sudden departure jolting her from her spiraling thoughts.

"To check on Meredith," he snapped, glancing quickly back over his shoulder. "Either leave, or start thinking of ways to apologize to her. _Profusely._"

-----

Meredith sat with her head in her hands, tears streaming from her eyes down her cheeks. They pooled on her palms before trickling in slender shimmering lines down the length of her arms. She tried to take a deep breath, but she couldn't seem to stop sobbing. She shifted so that her hand was over her mouth, trying to at least stifle the harsh broken sound. She had driven barely two minutes from her house before the tears had started to kick in full force, and her thoughts had spiraled resolutely off to someplace bitter and dark. Miraculously, her body had taken over for her, switching into the very same autopilot that got her safely to work at four in the morning when she was feeling dead on her feet. She had driven the only route she could handle unthinkingly, and had wound up staggering uncertainly down the pristine white halls of the hospital, feeling dirty and miserable and painfully obvious, before finding shelter in an empty surgical gallery. The lighting was mercifully dim and comforting, only a faint glow filtering in from the hallway through the open door. However, the plastic seat was stiff and unyielding beneath her, and Meredith shifted uncomfortably as she cried. She tried to take another deep breath, to force herself to calm down, but she couldn't stop crying. It was as if a dam within her had been breached, and the day's worth of pain and humiliation was determined to let itself out through her tear ducts. As a result, she could do nothing more than suck in air in shallow breathy gasps, unaware of the echoing footsteps coming to a sudden halt just outside the gallery.

The figure lingering in the doorway had long legs and red hair, her jacket slung over her shoulders, halfway to going home for the evening. But the sound of muffled sobbing had stilled her feet, and she peered curiously into the empty gallery. Addison lifted an eyebrow in astonishment, instantly recognizing the head of dirty blonde hair. "Meredith?" she called out, the name slipping from her lips before she had a chance to process what she was doing. The younger woman whirled around, her face blotchy and tear streaked. She managed a startled gasp in between sobs, cringing inwardly with embarrassment. Not bothering to reply, she turned back around, and buried her face in her hands again. Her shoulders shook as she tried in vain to calm down; hoping that, if she could just sit still enough, _maybe _Addison would go away.

Addison was shifting back and forth from the balls of her feet to the severe spikes of her heels, reluctant to go and comfort Meredith, but unable to simply abandon the crying woman now that she'd found her. She cast a hopeful glance down the hall, eyes searching for Derek or Yang, or any of Bailey's interns, really. However, the hallway was resolutely bare. There was nothing else to do but go in. With a deep determined breath, she forced herself to walk into the gallery, and down the shallow stairs to the front row of chairs where the intern sat. Meredith stiffened slightly with each staccato footfall, growing positively rigid as Addison lowered herself down to sit beside her, her every movement fluid and graceful.

"Are you okay?" asked Addison quietly, sounding unsure. A frown darkened her brow as she spoke, instantly berating herself for asking such a stupid question. Of course Meredith wasn't okay. People who were okay generally were not found crying hysterically in an empty surgical gallery. However…she simply couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Yes," croaked Meredith as if she were choking on the word. She glanced hesitantly at Addison, unable to decipher much more than a blurry shape; her vision hindered by her unrelenting tears. "I…yes," she stammered. "I'm okay."

"Are you waiting for Derek?" continued Addison worriedly. "Should I page him?" Meredith shook her head fiercely, feeling a surge of guilt at having run away coupled with deep seated fear at the thought of seeing him again now that Jacqueline's words had thoroughly permeated every inch of her body and mind. She sobbed louder--more uncontrollably--and shook her head again.

"No…" She moaned through her tears, balling her hands into fists, and pressing them hard against her eyelids.

"Are you sure?"

"Not Derek," she choked out in response, the thin frantic pitch to her voice filling Addison with unease.

"Did he…" began Addison tentatively, reaching out and laying a wary hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Did he do something?" she asked. The younger woman's shoulder trembled against her palm, and Addison felt a sudden strong surge of anger at the thought of Derek doing something to hurt Meredith, to make her so miserable. But once again, Meredith just shook her head.

"No. He…Derek, he's busy." She stammered out her reply in between short breathy gasps, suddenly leaning forward to cradle her spinning head in her hands. "I just…I just want to be alone." She hiccupped, and sobbed harder, before adding a shaky, "Please…"

Addison looked her up and down for barely half a second before denying her request. "No," she said simply, scooting towards the edge of her seat, and gripping Meredith's arm. "I'd be an idiot to leave you alone right now. You're going to make yourself ill if you keep this up." Without waiting for her to protest, she got to her feet, and eased Meredith up as well. Meredith shook slightly, stumbling against the taller woman, before regaining her balance. She glared down at the floor, sniffling as she dragged a hand across her leaky eyes, still unable to think of much of anything beyond the hateful words that echoed determinedly in her mind. She followed Addison wordlessly, barely even aware of where they were going. All she knew was the violent onslaught of her tears, and the overwhelming knowledge that Derek's family hated her. Derek would probably hate her too before long. It was only a matter of time before his family got to him, and she found herself alone with a baby. Meredith sobbed louder at the thought, turning her face into the smothering safety of a pillow as Addison eased her onto a bed in an empty room, a little ways down the hall from the gallery they'd been in. Instinctively, Meredith curled up, bringing her knees as close to her chest as she could before they were halted by the presence of her stomach. She gasped in a rattling breath of air, struggling to keep from just giving in, and pulling the covers up over her head like a child.

"Meredith…" Addison was speaking to her gently, her voice full of far more concern than Meredith had anticipated. She tried to respond, but managed nothing more than a pathetic whimper, her shoulders still shaking as the intensity of her sobbing left her close to senseless. "Meredith," tried Addison again, raising her voice in an attempt to snap Meredith out of the strange state she'd fallen into. "Can you sit up for me?" She got no reply save more stammered tear-filled sounds and the raspy hitch of her breathing. "Are you in pain?" she pressed on, giving up on waiting for Meredith to comply, and shifting the tiny woman bodily. She hiked the intern's top up, pressing a hand against her round stomach before moving to fit a blood pressure cuff around her arm. "You're not having contractions again, are you?"

The questions about her baby jarred Meredith from her tears more than anything else. "No," she said in a small voice, after managing a big gulp of air. She brought her hand down to the large naked curve of her stomach, still shaking her head. "It's not the baby." Addison frowned at the reading as she pulled the cuff from Meredith's arm--the Velcro ripping loudly--but gave a slight nod.

"Okay," she ventured, unsure of whether she should trust the response. "I want you on your left side though." She breathed a sigh of relief as Meredith complied on her own, sniffling a little as she turned. "Umm…if it's not the baby," she continued hesitantly.

"It's nothing," mumbled Meredith, but she whimpered softly as she spoke, fresh tears still spilling from her eyes.

"Meredith…"

Addison's voice was once again surprisingly gentle, coaxing an explanation from her. Meredith gave a slight shrug, teeth worrying at her lower lip. "It's just me," she whispered at last, instantly feeling foolish, and screwing her eyes tightly shut.

"It's you?" echoed Addison, her brows knitting together. "Are you…what is it?"

"I had a bad day," came the low warbled reply, Meredith pressing the back of her hand to her closed eyes, once again close to tears.

"Okay," agreed Addison softly. She shifted her weight, feeling uncomfortably hesitant and unsure. "Would you like me to see about getting one of your friends in here to talk to? Yang, maybe?"

Meredith gave a helpless shrug. "No…I don't know. I just--" She trailed off, twisting her head slightly to look up at Addison, her expression one of genuine confusion. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" asked Addison, looking as puzzled as the intern. Meredith shrugged again, her voice returning to that thin fragile sound that was swollen with the threat of tears.

"I don't know. _They_ hate me, and if they hate me, you should… And just, Derek's…" She paused and gasped for air, her eyes burning. "Derek, his…"

Addison frowned, and raked a slender hand through the long red waves of her hair, trying not to mind the repeated references to her ex-husband. "Are you sure you don't want me to get him?" she asked. Again, Meredith responded with a fierceness that was unnerving, her voice full of fear and worry.

"No," she moaned, her shoulders shaking once more with quiet sobs. "I just…want to be alone. I'm fine." Addison sighed, but nodded her head.

"Okay," she relented, her mind racing. "You just rest Meredith, and I'll come check on you in a little bit, okay?" Meredith gave a slight nod, the room blurring away into bitter broken cries as the thought of Derek pushed his family to the forefront of her mind. She curled up with her hands clasped beneath her stomach, barely registering Addison's departure.

Addison closed the door, collapsing against the wall just outside the room. Meredith's sobbing filtered out into the hallway--troubled and shaky sounds. Addison glanced down at her phone, freeing it from the clip at her waist. She hesitated for a moment, unable to forget Meredith's adamant reaction, before giving in, and doing the only thing she could think of. Her thumb danced quickly across the keypad, dialing Derek's number.

He answered on the second ring; his voice rough, but other than that, unreadable. "Hello?"

"Derek? It's Addison."

That earned her a frustrated sigh. "What?"

"It's…well," she began, casting a glance through the small rectangular window in the door, looking at Meredith's trembling form, and hoping that she wasn't about to put herself awkwardly in the middle of some lovers' quarrel. "I'm calling because…"

"What, Addison?" he snapped, sounding cross, worried, and distracted all at once. "I don't have time right now. I have to find…"

"Meredith," she blurted out, cutting him off. "It's about Meredith."

"Meredith?" he echoed instantly. "What? Do you know where she is? Please, tell me you know where she is." She didn't reply at first, taken back by just how quickly he gave her his complete attention, just how frantic he became at the mere mention of Meredith's name, fighting off an old pang of jealousy as a result. "Addison," he pressed. "Tell me."

"She's…ah, yeah. She's at the hospital."

"The hospital? Why?" Derek shook his head disbelievingly, gripping the phone so tight that his knuckles went white. He felt as if the ground had suddenly started spinning violently beneath his feet, and he forced himself to take a deep breath. "What happened to her? God…the baby?"

"Breathe," urged Addison gently. "I'm not sure what's wrong, but it's not the baby. I found her crying in a gallery. She was close to hysterical, and her blood pressure's through the roof, but that seems to be about it." Her voice took a hopeful almost happy turn at the end that echoed discordantly inside Derek's head.

"That seems to be about it?" he shot back. "You say that like it's a good thing. How the hell is _any _of this a good thing?" He raked his free hand through his hair, the violent thudding of his heart reverberating in his ears as he thought of Meredith at the hospital. Addison blinked in astonishment, not taking the time to register that his anger was being misdirected at her, and simply replying just as harshly.

"She's not having contractions," she snapped. "She's not in labor. Which, given the way she was acting when I found her, is nothing short of a miracle. So, unless you were hoping to send your girlfriend straight to an OR and your child straight to the NICU, the fact that she's _just _crying is a very good thing." Her reply was followed by a long silence and a longer sigh.

"Sorry," muttered Derek at last. "I'm sorry Addie. I just, today's been…"

"A bad day?" she supplied wryly.

"Yeah," he breathed. "But I'll come on over right now."

"Umm…" Addison frowned, casting a guilty look back at Meredith. "She was very adamant I not call you. But I didn't want to have to sedate her, and I thought…maybe you'd know what's wrong?"

"Great," groaned Derek. "She doesn't want… This is just great."

"What did you do?" Addison spoke sharply, suddenly feeling an odd surge of protectiveness for the intern. "Were you an ass? Because Derek, now is not the time to be an ass to her. I thought you knew that."

"I wasn't an ass," he said indignantly. "She met my mother. And Nancy."

"Oh-- Wait, here? In Seattle? And that didn't go well? But your mother's lovely…"

"No, it didn't go well," snapped Derek, an edge to his voice. He moaned, his knuckles digging angry red marks into the smooth surface of his forehead. "I can't believe this is happening. You know, a little warning from you would've been nice."

"Excuse me?"

"You're the reason they're here. You're the reason they know all this stuff," he said, his voice rising as he finally found an outlet for the day's pain. "What the hell did you say to my mother to get her to fly out here already hating Meredith?"

"Nothing," said Addison instantly, shaking her head. "I told her we were divorced. She wanted to know why you hadn't called, and I said it was probably because of your girlfriend being pregnant. That you were busy taking care of Meredith! That's all."

"_Right_…"

"Derek, I'm serious. And I'm sorry, but…I had no idea they were coming. She didn't mention anything about it."

"You still could've told me that you'd talked," he growled angrily.

"Whoa," snapped Addison, finally growing frustrated. "You don't get to be mad at me for your sudden inability to talk to your own family. I tried to wipe the conversation completely from my mind. I mean, do you have any idea how _humiliating_ it was for me to be the one to tell your mother we're divorced?" Her words were sharp, and met with silence as Derek forced himself to take a deep breath, stifling the desire to simply take the easy route and blame his family's attitude entirely on his ex-wife.

"I'm sorry," he managed at last.

"Thank you," said Addison quietly, rather taken back by the fact that he'd apologized. Derek nodded, forgetting that the gesture was meaningless over the phone as his thoughts returned completely to Meredith.

"How is she now?" he asked, his voice worried yet full of hope. Addison frowned and shuffled over a few steps, peering through the window once more. Meredith still lay on her side, running a hand up and down the length of her stomach. She'd stopped trembling and sobbing, but even from out in the hallway, Addison could pick up on the deep sorrow radiating from her small frame, and the few tears that still leaked unbidden from her eyes.

"Better," she answered truthfully. "She's calmed down a lot, but Derek…you've got to get her through this. All this stress…"

"I know…" He shook his head in frustration, saying, "She just, she doesn't talk. Whenever anything's wrong, she bottles herself up and pretends to be fine."

"So make her talk."

"What? Addison, she _won't_."

Addison rolled her eyes at that, giving a shake of her head that sent her red hair swinging. "Right," she scoffed. "Like she wouldn't do anything you asked."

"I just--"

"I'm gonna go check on her," interrupted Addison, feeling suddenly uncomfortable as she looked back through the window. "She's in room 2712. If you want to come and take her home…it should be fine."

"Yeah," said Derek instantly. "I'm already on my way." He hung up, the line going dead before Addison had a chance to reply.

"Great," she muttered to herself, hanging up her own phone, and reattaching it to its clip. She took a deep breath, self-consciously smoothing her hands over her skirt before forcing herself to walk back into the room. "Meredith," she called gently as the younger woman looked up, instinctively raising a small hand to dry her eyes. "How're you doing?"

"Okay," murmured Meredith absently, her teeth back to worrying at the corner of her lip. She paused for a moment before flicking her gaze over to Addison, her green eyes sharp beneath their sheen of tears. "Can I go?" she asked uncertainly. "I mean…thank you, but the baby's fine, so…?"

"Actually--" Addison hesitated for a second, an anxious note creeping into her voice. "I called Derek. He's going to come take you home." Meredith bolted upright at that, her face paling considerably.

"What? _Why?_"

"Because you were crying hysterically twenty minutes ago, so I don't think it's such a great idea if you drive a car," answered Addison practically, causing Meredith to fall silent.

"Fine," she mumbled at last, folding her hands, and staring down at her lap. She closed her eyes, trying to promise herself that there was no way that Derek would show up with his mother and sister still in tow. Just as she was working on blocking them from memory, Addison cleared her throat.

"So you met the Shepherds?" Meredith looked up in alarm--instantly filling with fear--but found no trace of the hostility she'd experienced earlier in Addison's eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?" continued Addison hesitantly, not quite sure what she was doing, but feeling the need to say something, to help Meredith somehow.

"What?" whispered Meredith, twisting a wavy strand of her hair tightly around her finger in a dirty blonde coil. Her eyes were wide and confused; her fear rapidly being replaced by astonishment. "You want to talk to me?"

Addison shrugged--a slight raise of one shoulder--as she made herself a tentative perch at the foot of the bed. "I didn't really warn Derek, and…I know them pretty well. I just thought, if you wanted…" Meredith frowned, unused to hearing Addison sound so unpolished, so wary. She blinked up at her in confusion; having a hard time reconciling the sudden kindness with the day she'd had.

"But," she began quietly. "I'm-- I'm the reason your…" She trailed off uncertainly, but the remainder of the sentence rang clearly in the silent room.

"Meredith, you're not the reason my marriage fell apart." Addison shook her head, suddenly laughing bitterly to herself. "Even Mark's not the reason my marriage fell apart. It'd be nice if I could blame it all on him, but…" She trailed off, and looked back at Meredith, her expression growing stern. "Derek and I are the reason our marriage fell apart, not you." Meredith gave a hesitant nod, teeth still worrying at her lip. "And I don't hate you," Addison pressed on, earning a weak smile from Meredith.

"They hate me," she said in a small voice, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"They don't _really _hate you."

"Oh yes. They do," continued Meredith, sounding a little bit stronger. She laughed dryly, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "They hate me. With the fiery whatever of a thousand suns." Folding her arms over her stomach, she went back to biting her lip, not quite sure why she suddenly felt comfortable alone in a room with Addison. She offered her a quick wary smile, and the gesture was promptly returned.

"Look, it's not so much that they hate you," explained Addison earnestly, crossing one long leg easily over the other. "It's just that they love Derek. He was the only boy, and he's got five women now who think they know what's best for him, and aren't afraid to say it. They're bossy and opinionated and…" She shook her head, smirking slightly. "Why do you think he flew clear across the country?"

"Well I thought because of you…" began Meredith before realizing what she was saying. She trailed off awkwardly, her cheeks flushing. "Sorry," she muttered. "I didn't mean it like that." Addison just shrugged, looking almost amused.

"It was a large part of it," she admitted. "But with his family, he's never got the chance to really be his own person. It's always been what they wanted. They can be cruel to people who don't fit perfectly into their world."

"Great…" moaned Meredith, wrinkling her nose, and slumping back against the pillows. "That rules me out." She bit down hard on her lip, valiantly trying to ignore the way her eyes had started to sting again.

"Don't," said Addison softly, thinking back to the way Derek looked at Meredith, and the truth inherent in that. "You fit into Derek's world. The one he chose for himself, not the one he was wedged into. And that's what really matters." She paused and smiled at Meredith, realizing that that was the first time she had spoken about the two of them without her heart instantly clenching into something jagged and broken.

"Right," breathed Meredith quietly, still uncertain. However, a fine hairline crack finally appeared in the deep wall around her heart, and the tension that seemed to grip at her violently lessened every so slightly. She relaxed back against the support of the pillows, sighing softly as she stared down at her hands. The two women sat in silence for a few minutes; speaking easily to each other still a new and cautious thing.

The thick quiet was broken by another voice, and Meredith looked up to find Derek walking into the room. "Hey," he said, his voice low and soft as he crossed over to where she sat on the bed. He moved quickly, reaching out to run his hand down the length of her hair, needing to feel concrete proof that Meredith was okay.

"Hey," she mumbled, looking away from his troubled eyes to stare down at her hands again, working her watch in circles around her wrist. Addison was looking curiously back and forth between the two of them, but Meredith didn't notice. She felt suddenly on edge; a strange combination of guilt and anxiety, embarrassment and uncertainty. "Sorry," she finally whispered, the word barely making it to his ears.

"For?" prompted Derek in confusion.

"For disappearing when I said I'd be right back."

Derek just shook his head, willing to forget the way his heart had clenched when he went to check on her only to find her missing. He felt too worried and too guilty over his family to be angry. "It's okay," he said quietly, taking her hand in his, their fingers easily lacing together.

"Umm…" began Addison uncomfortably, seizing the moment of silence to get down from the bed. "I'll be going then." She shrugged her jacket on as she backed towards the door, feeling out of place alone with the couple.

"Addison," called Meredith, her voice suddenly strong and earnest as she leaned forward in bed, peering around Derek. The taller woman halted her backwards shuffle, cocking an eyebrow as she looked up. "I just--" Meredith paused--hand drifting to her hair--one slender finger instantly tangling itself in a loose strand. "Thank you, for…" Halting again, she gave a shrug, unsure of how to finish.

"Of course," said Addison quickly, wordlessly understanding what she was getting at. She smiled uncertainly, nodding as Derek mouthed his thanks, before mumbling a quick "goodnight," and disappearing down the hall.

The silence that grew as the echo of Addison's footsteps faded away into nothingness left Meredith shifting uncomfortably, suddenly unsure of what to say to Derek. She felt curiously like a child who had been caught doing something wrong, and her eyes were guilty as she chewed on her lip. "Can we go?" she asked abruptly, growing frustrated and scooting towards the edge of the bed, swinging her legs over.

"Yeah," answered Derek. He watched her warily as he helped her back up, setting her gently on her feet. Meredith followed ever so slightly behind him as they made their way to his car, scuffing the toes of her shoes as she walked. The memories of the afternoon with his family were once again at the forefront of her mind, and so she slumped down into the car in resolute silence, carefully nursing her own thoughts, and avoiding Derek's eyes. The air inside the car was sharp and tense; with Derek casting repeated glances in her direction out of the corner of his eye, and Meredith studiously ignoring them. She folded her arms tightly around her stomach, trying desperately to pretend that silence felt normal, that it wasn't grating, and full of things they were _supposed _to talk about. Finally growing frustrated, she turned towards Derek, saying his name just as he said hers.

"Oh…you first," she said quickly.

"No," he replied with a grin that felt out of place in the stifling car. "Ladies first."

Meredith frowned, but nodded her head, racking her mind for something to say. She'd spoken to shatter the silence--growing restless with its blatant refusal to feel normal--yet had nothing planned. "Umm," she began at last. "What happened to your family?" She cast a pointed glance at the backseat as if she half expected Jacqueline and Nancy to be seated there.

"I sent them back to their hotel," he said, his eyes darkening close to black at the thought of his mother and sister.

"Oh…" Meredith nodded, staring out the window.

"Mer, I'm so sorry about them. There's no excuse for how they talked to you."

She shrugged, and shook her head, her forehead bumping uncomfortably against the slightly fogged pane of glass. "It's okay," she mumbled. She could feel Derek looking at her disbelievingly, and she tried to strengthen her voice into something convincing. "I'm fine, really."

"You're fine?" echoed Derek. "Then why did you run off to cry in a gallery?"

"I just--" She shook her head again, wincing as her skull rapped against the thick glass. A frown settled over her features as she debated whether or not she could just remain silent. Finally she sighed, her voice cross as she answered him. "I needed some space."

"Meredith," continued Derek, using the advantage provided by a red light to turn and really look at her. She was still pressed resolutely up against the window, her attention trained on the darkened city streets, and her arms folded close to her body, resting atop her stomach. She looked small and bruised, the night shadows hiding her expression. "What's really going on?" he asked gently

"Your family doesn't like me," she snapped, whirling around abruptly to glare at him. "That's what's going on." Her angry scowl flickered for a second before fading back into a soft frown as she turned once more to the window. "Families and I have a long history of not working well together," she muttered. "So, whatever. It's not a big deal. Can we just drop this?"

"No, we can't."

"_No?_" echoed Meredith incredulously, twisting slightly so that she could glower at him out of the corners of her narrowed eyes. "Derek, there's nothing to talk about! They're back at the hotel, and I'm fine. I'm fine with all of it, okay?"

"Which would be great if it were true," he said, growing frustrated. "But it's not."

"What's not? You said yourself they went back to the hotel!"

"_You_, Meredith. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about you. You're not fine."

Meredith sighed angrily, giving up the seclusion of the window to glare directly at him. "I said I was fine," she snapped. "Why are you so hell-bent on not believing me?"

"Because you're not dealing with anything," argued Derek, thinking back to the two solemn almost silent months he'd just lived through with Meredith. "I'll believe you when you realize that saying you're fine doesn't automatically make your problems go away." Meredith just scowled, choosing not to answer. She raised an eyebrow, and stared down at her stomach, ignoring Derek's heavy sigh. They drove in silence again--thicker and more painful than before--until Derek slammed on the brakes, the car coming to a sudden unexpected halt. "Get out of the car," he said, his voice still rough, but no longer quite so angry. Meredith looked up at him in confusion. They were nowhere near her house, but were down by the docks, the long inky stretch of water only a few feet away.

"What?" asked Meredith. "Why?" Derek didn't reply, but simply got out of the car himself, the door slamming shut with a heavy thud. Shaking her head, Meredith grudgingly opened her own door, stepping out into the cool night air. She stalked straight past Derek, still irritated from his insistent questioning, and made her way over to the metal guard rail. She leaned her weight against it, staring down at the dark and choppy waves beneath her, pinpricks of stars and moonlight wavering reflected in the watery depths. She breathed in deeply, the water serving to relax her slightly, even as she shivered from the cold.

"Here--"

She turned to find Derek standing behind her, easing his jacket off, and wrapping it tightly around her. His voice had reverted to its familiar gentle tone, and Meredith sighed shakily, leaning forward so that her forehead pressed against his chest. She hated fighting with him, and so, for a long moment, she simply closed her eyes, relishing the warmth of his jacket and the steady thud of his heartbeat echoing in her ears. He frowned down at her bent head as he felt his shirt dampen with her tears, feeling desperate to do something to fix her. "Come on," he murmured at last, walking her over to a nearby bench. Meredith settled down next to him, blinking her few tears away.

"What are we doing here?" she mumbled.

"Watching the ferryboats."

Meredith frowned at that, staring at the dark empty expanse of water stretched before them. "There aren't any out right now," she said, prompting Derek to shrug.

"One might come along." He turned to look at her, his teasing grin quickly fading away, his countenance growing serious, almost stern. "Meredith…"

"Derek," she interrupted, rolling her eyes. "I'm fine."

"Except you're not," he insisted, pulling his coat closer to her small frame, and tracing the line of her jaw with one finger. Meredith just sighed in frustration, looking away.

"Well, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to say I'm not fine? Is that going to make you happy?" Her voice was sharp and irritated, and she drew away from him as she spoke. She was watching him from beneath the shelter of her long lashes, feeling once again on edge. Derek bristled at her tone, but forced himself to keep his voice calm.

"I just want you to tell me the truth," he urged. "Whatever it is, Mer…" He shook his head, the blue of his eyes almost as dark as the sky overhead. "I just-- I can't remember the last time you smiled." His heart broke a little at the admission even as the cynical mocking grin she forced her mouth into at his words made him smile slightly in amusement. "Please, just tell me what's wrong."

"What if nothing's wrong?" asked Meredith stubbornly.

"Well then we can sit here until you figure it out."

"_Seriously?_" He grinned and shrugged as Meredith's eyes flashed indignantly. "You know, this is your child," she snapped, jerking her chin down towards her swollen belly. "You're going to make your very pregnant girlfriend sit out in the cold in the middle of the night until she talks?"

"Meredith," began Derek soothingly, wrapping an arm around her.

She just shoved it off. "No. I think that qualifies as torture." Wrinkling her nose at him, she scooted purposely over to the far end of the bench. "Next you're gonna want to steal my shoes, just so it can be the whole barefoot and whatever thing."

"Mer, calm down," said Derek, trying hard not to smile at the indignant expression on her face. "I'm not stealing your shoes." He paused and looked at her, his eyes growing solemn. "And we can go home right now if you want, but…this isn't good. I can't keep looking the other way, and pretending I don't notice that you're falling apart."

"I'm not falling apart," said Meredith quietly, her own anger fading away at the pain in Derek's voice.

"Addison said you were hysterical."

"I just--" She hesitated, frowning as she glanced at him before looking quickly back down at her lap. "Your family hates me," she admitted at last, her voice trembling. "Your mom thinks I'm…I don't know, that I'm some cheap whore who scours the hospital in search of marriages to destroy." She shook her head, resolutely avoiding Derek's eyes, and fighting off the tears in her own. Her voice sounded thin and far away, almost unfamiliar.

"You're not," said Derek, his voice at once both gentle and fierce as he moved down the bench to her, taking her in his arms. "She was wrong, and angry at me, and took it all out on you." He bent down, pressing his lips to the top of her head. Meredith leaned back against his chest, trying to convince herself that he was telling the truth. "You know I don't believe a word she said, right?" he asked when she remained completely silent, her body still tense beneath his hands.

Meredith frowned, giving a slight shrug. "You will," she said, her voice a thin whisper that was almost lost to the night wind.

"I will?" echoed Derek incredulously. "You really think that?"

"She's your mother…"

"I know she's my mother," he allowed. "I also know she's wrong." She stayed silent as he pulled her further into his arms, his hands resting over her stomach. "Meredith," he murmured, her name a low troubled sound on his lips.

"What?" She twisted slightly, turning her head so that her eyes found his.

"They can say as many cruel things as they can think of, and it will only ever make me think less of them. Never of you."

Meredith nodded at that, but her eyes were still wide with worry. "It's just," she began, her voice shivering slightly. She hesitated, but Derek lifted an eyebrow inquisitively, encouraging her to continue. "What if they… Well, they really hate me. You want to be in this continual feud with your family over who you're with?" She looked away as she spoke, her teeth digging into her lip to keep it from trembling.

"That's not gonna happen," said Derek simply as Meredith's brow wrinkled in confusion. "If they can't accept you, or if you want me to choose, if you don't want to ever see them again after the way they treated you…I'll choose." She stiffened slightly at that out of reflex, but his next words were the exact opposite of her deepest fear. "And it would be you," he continued. "Don't think for a second that I wouldn't choose you."

"You can't do that," said Meredith immediately, turning around and shaking her head. "I can't ask you to do that."

"You can," he countered, his voice growing low and earnest as he spoke. "I'm in love with you. I've loved you since…I think since the night we met, Meredith. You took one of the worst things that ever happened to me, and turned it into something amazing. You're giving me a child." His eyes were dark as he stared at her--dark and reverent and full of awe. "You can ask a lot of things. And you can ask this if it's what you need."

"No," she whispered, his words leaving her eyes brimming with tears. "You shouldn't ban them from your life." She looked away from him, twisting the fabric of his shirt in her hands. "I-- They're your family. I never really had one, but you should keep yours. I mean, it seems like it'd be a nice thing to have…most of the time."

He laughed bitterly at that. "_Some _of the time."

"Yeah," she allowed, leaning back into his arms, and finally smiling a little. "Some of the time."

"Okay," he said, his voice almost lost beneath the soft rustle of her hair. He stared down at her as she settled against him, black lashes fluttering down over pale skin, and gently closing. She sighed and pulled him closer, part of the vice that held her heart finally lying broken. "Mer," he ventured at last, after they had sat a long time in silence, listening to nothing more than the waves.

"Mmm?" she murmured, not opening her eyes.

He frowned--hesitating for a moment--unsure if he should leave her alone for the night. However, he had finally gotten her to speak, and he couldn't shake the fear that if he simply stopped now, she would be back to murmuring that she was fine, that everything was fine the very next day. "What else is wrong?" he prodded, keeping his voice quiet. She grudgingly opened an eye at that, regarding him skeptically with one narrow slit of green.

"What are you now?" she mumbled crossly. "Some kind of shrink?"

Derek just grinned. "Well, this is a sort of couch."

"Bench, Derek. It's a bench. A very cold, uncomfortable bench."

"Cold and uncomfortable?" he echoed disbelievingly, pretending not to notice his own stiff back and legs. "Why I've never sat on a nicer bench in my life." Meredith scoffed and rolled her eyes, letting out a surprised squeal as he hoisted her onto his lap without warning. "Better?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Better," agreed Meredith, before craning her neck back to look at him. "But I'm still not playing shrink with you."

"Hmm…" His voice was a low sound in her ear, and Meredith shivered despite the warmth of his jacket wrapped around her. "You say that now." She shook her head, her gaze drifting back to the water as they fell back into silence. The silence, however, was short lived, and she clambered down from his lap without warning. "What?" he asked, taking in her sudden bright grin.

"_Ferryboat!_"

She held out her hand to him almost childishly, tugging him towards the railing, and the faint glimmer of lights moving over the water in the distance. It was a small distant glow; something hopeful in the vast darkness, and Meredith stared at it intently.

"Told you one would come by," said Derek proudly, his voice low and just a little bit smug as he wrapped his arms around her. Meredith only nodded, her smile already fading away to be replaced by silent streaming tears, falling unbidden from her eyes. She kept her head turned straight forward, hiding them from his view. And for a long time, tears simply rolled soundlessly down her cheeks as she stared out over the water, blurring her view of the boat into a little golden smudge against the horizon. But eventually, her lip started to tremble, and she shivered sharply as she breathed in. "Meredith?" he asked, feeling the reverberations through his own body. Meredith just shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as tears found a way to ooze out of the corners anyway. "Mer, what is it?" And before she could protest, her eyes flew back open as Derek turned her around, his expression instantly worried as he caught sight of her tears. "Hey," he said gently, using his thumbs to dry her damp skin. "Why are you crying?"

Meredith shrugged, feeling suddenly pathetic. "I don't know," she stammered, her voice thin and tremulous. She pulled away from him, shaking her head back and forth. "I don't know," she repeated, cutting him off as he opened his mouth to speak, her eyes frantic and helpless. "I don't _know _what to tell you. I don't know what's wrong…why I'm not happy. I just don't know!" Her voice broke, and she started to sob, her face scrunching painfully as tears streamed freely down her cheeks.

"Okay," said Derek instantly, moving to wrap his arms around her. She started to turn away, but he tightened his grip, holding her still. And, with a rattling sigh, she simply gave in, and let herself fall into his embrace, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. "Okay," he repeated, stepping closer until her rounded body was awkwardly flush with his. "You don't have to know." His eyes were dark and troubled, but he kept his voice calm. "We can figure it out Mer," he promised. "Whatever it is." She nodded weakly, her world shifting as she let her weight fall onto him until it was only his arms holding her up while she cried. She closed her eyes to the tears, feeling almost as if she were floating; something light and wonderful in the middle of what felt like a sea of painful uncertainty. But as her tears finally faded away to the low soothing song of Derek's voice in her ear--promising her the sun and the moon and everything in between--she found herself back on her own two feet, no longer floating.

"I--" she said as she finally caught her breath, fitting a hand between them to dry her tears. She looked up at Derek uncertainly, but found only encouragement in his eyes. "I'm going to be a terrible mother," she admitted softly, quickly looking away from him.

"What?" Derek frowned, shaking his head. "Why?"

"My mother was a great surgeon," she muttered, still not meeting his eyes. "But she wasn't exactly a great mom. You can't be both…it's not…" She shook her head, her breath drawing shakily past her lips. "And I'm not even a great surgeon. I'm behind. I'm missing stuff." She shrugged, looking back at Derek as she laughed sadly, the sound thin and humorless. "I'm just gonna be crap at both."

"No you're not," said Derek earnestly. "It won't be easy, but it won't be impossible."

"Really?"

"Really. You're gonna be a great mom, and a great doctor."

Meredith scoffed at that, slipping out of Derek's arms, and walking back over to the railing. She stared out at the darkened waves; ferryboat gone from view. "I'm not even excited," she mumbled in a low voice, her words almost inaudible. "I'm not excited. I…" She shook her head, leaning so that her chin was cradled in the palm of her hand as she glowered unhappily down at the inky water. "I don't even want her to be born, Derek," she admitted shakily. "I should be, I don't know, crossing the days off on the calendar or something, right? I should be going crazy over baby clothes, and…" She bit down on her lip, her nails digging into the palm of her hand. "You know…I hid. When you guys did the nursery, I went all the way down in the basement and hid."

Derek walked over to her, leaning against the bare expanse of the railing, and nodding his head. "I know."

"You know?" echoed Meredith disbelievingly, turning to look at him. "How?"

"You told me five times you were going to go do laundry, and then never took any clothes."

"Oh…" Meredith cringed, looking back at the impassive safety of the water. "Sorry," she muttered.

"Mer," said Derek gently. "I wasn't mad."

"You weren't?"

He shook his head, turning to stare out at the water as well. "Figured you needed to hide."

"Right…" Her voice was shaky once again, and she shifted uncomfortably, the railing hard and unforgiving against her elbow. "Derek?"

"Meredith?"

"Why aren't you afraid?"

Derek sighed, raking a hand through his dark hair, the shade almost blending in with the sky. "I am," he admitted quietly. "Completely terrified. I have no idea how to raise a kid. But…" He shrugged, tilting his head to look at her. "We'll figure it out as we go, you know? That's half the fun." He grinned, hoping to get her to relax and believe him, but she just shook her head.

"Oh that's a great idea," she said dryly. "You'd never go to work, and cut someone's brain open with your total plan amounting to figuring it out as you went along!"

"Okay, so…this is a little messier," he allowed.

"Messier than _surgery?_"

"It's real life Mer," Derek said, his voice gentle. "I think everyone's flying blind the first time, and so…maybe we make a few mistakes." He leaned forward, putting his arm around Meredith's narrow frame once more, smoothing her windblown hair. "But, so long as we do our best, and we love her…she'll turn out okay."

"How can you be so sure?" asked Meredith quietly, her teeth back to worrying at her lip as she twisted around to meet his eyes.

Derek just grinned at her. "I'm blindly optimistic?" he tried, earning a matching grin from her.

"I'm serious Derek," she said, her quiet giggle fading away as she placed her hands flat against his chest. He nodded, letting his expression grow grave once more, waiting for her to continue. "It's just--" She hesitated, her voice wary, yet suddenly tumbling out in a rushed and breathless mess of words. "What if I don't love her enough? I mean, I didn't help decorate the nursery. I'm not excited about this _stupid _shower. I'm terrified of the thought of her being born." Meredith looked away from Derek, her lip close to bleeding from chewing on it so much. "What if…" she whispered, tears coming back to the corners of her eyes. "What if that means I don't love her? Not enough… Not like I should…" She trailed off, staring resolutely at the rough gray surface of the pavement.

"Hey," said Derek gently, his hand fitting beneath her chin, and turning her back to face him. Her eyes were brimming with tears, and as she met his gaze, they silently overflowed once more. "Listen," he urged as she started to turn away again. "You haven't done a single thing to make me think you don't love our daughter."

"But, the shower…and the nursery…"

Derek shook his head. "Just because you aren't excited about that stuff doesn't mean you don't love her," he continued, suddenly smiling at her. "It just means you aren't Izzie."

"Yeah?" asked Meredith, her voice gaining the slightest touch of hope.

"Yeah," he echoed. "Meredith…you kept our baby when you thought you'd have to raise her alone." She nodded weakly, smiling a little as he brushed away her tears again. "And remember what she looks like, when we saw the ultrasound? And how scared you were when you were at the hospital?" he asked gently, alluding to the time she'd nearly lost the baby. Meredith nodded again, tracing her tongue slowly over the painful tear her teeth had created in her lower lip, the taste of blood stinging the tip of her tongue. "You love her more than enough Mer."

"You're really sure?" she asked, feeling far less lost than she had in months, yet craving his reassurance once more.

"I'm really sure," he agreed, bending down and capturing her lips softly with his. "And you know I'm right," he added quietly as he pulled away, his heart lightening as Meredith finally smiled back, and nodded her head.

"I know you're right," she agreed. And Derek kissed her again, savoring the feel of her smiling against his mouth.

"Besides," he added, straightening up once more. "You fell for me, didn't you?"

Meredith turned to frown at him, her expression dubious. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, she'll have my DNA," he said smugly, raising his eyebrows as a smirk crossed his face. "She'll be just as charming. You'll be like putty in her hands."

"Derek Shepherd!" said Meredith, suddenly laughing aloud as she reached out and smacked him. He just raised his eyebrows again, a quick teasing grin flashing across his face. "I am not putty in your hands, and _you _are not that charming!"

"Hmmm…" He frowned, his expression a mocking imitation of thoughtful as he looped an arm around her, steering her back towards their car. "Does that mean you need to hear about past examples, or should I just prove it again?" His voice was low in her ear, his lips brushing against her throat as he spoke, sending a shiver down the length of her spine.

"Um," she managed, gasping slightly as she suddenly found herself pressed up against the back of the car. "Your charm?" she asked faintly as his hands disappeared beneath the loose expanse of her shirt.

"No," he murmured as she tilted her neck to the side, her fingers curling tightly in his hair as his mouth found the hollow in her throat, tracing it with his tongue and making her sigh shakily. "The other one," he added at last, working his way back up to her lips.

Meredith cast a quick glance around the dark and empty dock before smirking at him, her eyes heavy lidded. Her voice grew husky as she tugged him back down to her. "Prove it again."

-----

_So yeah…a long chapter. I had a lot of thoughts on the chapter, but I'll see if I can do them more succinctly than the actual story portion. Anyway, first of all, Derek's family. Particularly his mother. Now yes, I know most people hated Jacqueline, and found her to be ten kinds of evil. And, while she is very opinionated, and saying a lot of hateful things, it's simply very misguided. She genuinely finds marriage to be a very important thing, and she views Meredith as someone who got her son to forsake everything she tried to instill in Derek while raising him. And, she's known Addison for years. The woman was very much a fifth daughter to her. Now, she finds that that has all been uprooted, and she's placing a lot of her frustration and pain on Meredith because it's easiest to react that way instead of facing the fact that Derek's actually this very different person who maybe doesn't fit into her picture perfect NY lifestyle. So yes, there was some family drama, which is not completely solved yet._

_And then, there was Addison. She's come a long way in the past few months, and is actually very much on Meredith's side, the complete opposite of Derek's family despite the fact that she lost the most as the result of Mer. And, she's in the position where Mer is once again distressed, and she's alone with her, taking care of her. Only, this time it's not because Meredith is having contractions. It's simply that she's crying and miserable, and generally freaking herself out over the things that were said to her. And, Addison is able to…I guess hopefully get some closure, seeing that she's able to help Meredith and explain things about Derek's family to her, and it doesn't hurt. At least, not as much as she thought it would. _

_And then, Mer/Der… Tralala. Well, they finally talked. A lot. This whole time, Derek has been a bit tentative, not wanting to push Meredith to talk if she seemed against the idea. However, the result was he got a bunch of empty reassurances of how fine she was, and then she disappears, to turn up crying hysterically at the hospital. And, while he's relieved that that's all that happens, he's afraid that something worse could happen if he just lets her keep doing this. So, he keeps insisting that she talks, pretty much giving her no other choice. And Mer gets mad at first, but eventually…she does talk to him. About his family, and about everything that had been going wrong before they showed up. Mer doesn't really understand why she's upset, it's as confusing to her as it is to him, but…she has lots of mommy issues, thanks to her own mother, and the fact that she's behind at her job. And well, they talk. You've hopefully already read that. And, they do get to a better place. Together. Because Derek can understand her very well when she doesn't turn into herself and shut him out completely. And then, you know…they head off to have lots of sex. Because it's very much what Mer needs after the day she went through. To just…be with Derek._

_And, that's my very long rambling!! Sorry for the excessiveness. And thank you so much for reading. Hopefully, the length wasn't too, too bad. I'll try to get another update up as soon as possible, obviously, but I am facing a formidable mountain of essays that need to be written. So it may be a few days. And by few, I probably mean six or sevenish. Once more, thanks so much for reading! _


	30. A Billion Tons of Light

_Okay, so first of all, my apologies! This update took so much longer than I was intending. I was hoping to have it up some time last week, but real life got in the way, and this section has been particularly hard to write. Lots of staring at the blinking cursor and pulling my hair went on. But anyway, it's finally, finally written. We're getting closer to the end. There's about four or five chapters left, six at the most. So yes, it's not ending tomorrow or anything, there's still stuff to be resolved, but…the end is in sight. _

_Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed. I really appreciate it. You guys make all the hair pulling and staring at the blank screen in frustration feel completely worth it. Hopefully this shows up. The site seemed to be going crazy for a few days there, but things appear to be back to normal now. But yeah, enough from me. Enjoy!_

_-----  
From the safety of this moment,  
I reach endlessly from here,  
I reach endlessly. Endlessly.  
This adds up to more than us.  
-----_

Meredith wound the long cord of her hairdryer into a tight coil, setting it absently back on the edge of the sink as she wrinkled her nose at her reflection. She ran a hand through the freshly dried waves of her hair, coiling a strand as tightly as she had the cord, before letting go and watching as the golden hairs spun, spiraled, and finally relaxed. Rolling her eyes at herself, she turned from the mirror, and shuffled out of the bathroom back to her room. She cast a dark glare at her closet, the back of her mind irritatingly aware that she was supposed to be getting dressed for her party. However, that idea was easily stifled as she sank down onto the edge of the bed. Falling back into the soft warmth of several pillows and tangled blankets, she let her eyelids flutter shut; toying with the idea of stealing a nap before the baby shower. Things felt better--less dark than the night before--but she still felt strange, felt not quite like herself, and wanted nothing more than to avoid being the center of everyone and everything for an entire evening. Stifling a yawn, Meredith rolled onto her side, and pulled a pillow close to her, breathing in the lingering comfort it offered her in the form of the familiar masculine scent that was Derek's alone. As if summoned by her thoughts of him, the door to her room creaked open, and she blinked slowly, focusing on the shape of him leaning against the doorframe. A smile danced across her face as she stared lazily, giving him no greeting beyond what was written in the warm glow of her eyes. Derek's lips lifted in response, his gaze roaming up the length of her body. She was dressed in nothing more than a tank top and an old pair of shorts, the shirt riding up high on her belly. Her bare skin seemed to glow almost pale gold in the dim filtered sunlight that lit the room, and his eyes felt hungry; both unable and unwilling to look away from her.

"You're staring at me," murmured Meredith as his gaze reached her stomach, and then rose to seek out the green of her eyes.

Derek's smile morphed into a sheepish grin. "Can't help it. You look beautiful."

"I look fat," said Meredith instinctively, frowning at him.

"You look pregnant," he countered, pausing to glance back at her stomach, his voice growing proud. "With my baby." He straightened up, closing the door with a push of his hand, and walked over to the bed. "And you look beautiful," he added again. Meredith scooted over to make room for him, rolling her eyes as she did. "Beautiful," he repeated over and over in a low murmur until she finally gave in and smiled slightly, indulgently, turning so that her face was buried against the curve of his neck.

"How's it look downstairs?" she mumbled, her voice muffled by his body. "Disaster zone yet?"

"It's--" Derek paused, the corner of his mouth twitching up into an amused smirk. "…interesting."

"Interesting?" echoed Meredith, lifting her head to look at him, and groaning when she caught sight of his expression. "Derek," she continued, her voice growing stern. "How bad is it?" His eyes darted guiltily around the room as he shrugged.

"It's pink," he admitted at last. "Okay, it's very pink." Meredith raised an eyebrow, trying to guess at whether it would be as extravagant as Izzie's rendition of Christmas. "You'll like it," continued Derek as her expression grew more and more skeptical.

"Derek," she said warningly.

"Okay…you probably won't like it," he allowed, grinning at her again as his fingers curled easily around her chin, tilting her face towards his. "But the party could still be fun."

"_Right_…" Meredith pouted, her lower lip jutting out. Derek traced the edge of it with his thumb, chuckling at the stubborn almost belligerent light in her eyes.

"It might be," he insisted. Meredith just cocked an eyebrow at that.

"And if it's not…?"

"I'll think of something," said Derek confidently, still grinning at her. The only reply he received was a dry amused smile--expectant and demanding--as Meredith crossed her arms over her chest, silently urging him to come up with something. "We can hide in a closet," he announced at last. "Or run away. Make a break for freedom. Whatever you want Mer."

Meredith giggled, and shook her head. "Like I can run properly right now," she said, moving her hand to her stomach to emphasize her point. Derek smirked, and pulled her closer to him.

"Closet it is then." Meredith just smiled, letting her eyes close again, her body relaxing against his. Sleep seemed to hang just a hair away from her, and she sighed happily, her breathing growing soft and even as she melted into the quiet darkness and Derek's arms. "Mer…" His voice returned to disturb the silence after several minutes--a hoarse whisper at her ears--forcing her eyelids to flutter apart.

"Mmm…?" The sound hummed past her lips, tickling his neck.

"They sent me up here to make sure you were getting ready." He spoke cautiously, as if afraid the words would flip her from her gentle drowsy mood into something sharper and more irritated. But she just shook her head--hair rustling against the pillowcase--and pressed a single slender finger to his lips.

"Shhh," she scolded, screwing her eyes shut once more. "We're sleeping now." Derek grinned, content to simply stare at her curled up in the crook of his arm, her round stomach a now familiar presence against his side. However, a glance at the clock on the bedside table filled him with a brief surge of guilt, and he nudged her again.

"Come on," he coaxed, brushing the back of his hand against her cheek. Her eyelids snapped apart at that, revealing slits of green that sparked with irritation.

"I'm napping," she muttered, reaching up and readjusting her pillow. "Don't you think that's important?" She cocked an eyebrow, grinning wickedly as she mimicked him, saying, "Sleep Mer. Rest's important for the baby."

"Yeah," he agreed, quiet laughter escaping at her imitation of him. "But you already took a nap earlier."

Meredith turned instantly cross at that--frowning and wrinkling her nose. "Only because I've been locked up here since eleven so I wouldn't see all the _decorating_," she said, rolling her eyes as she overemphasized the word. "I didn't want a nap then. Now I do." She closed her eyes once more in a stubborn resolute gesture, seeming angry save for the small smile that sent the corners of her mouth twitching delicately upward. "Besides," she added after a moment, reaching out for Derek's hand, and moving it to her stomach. "Your daughter won't stop kicking me. If you'd cooperate and sleep, maybe she'd catch on too."

"She's kicking you?" echoed Derek, his voice instantly gentle as he felt the reverberations of their child's tiny feet against the palm of his hand. Meredith just nodded, frowning as she was dealt a particularly hard blow. "Don't kick your mother," he said sternly, propping himself up on an elbow to look at her stomach. "It's not nice. She doesn't kick you."

"Hmmm," said Meredith, giggling as she reached up, and pulled Derek back down to her, turning so that their bodies were nestled perfectly together, his heartbeat a steady presence against her back. "So are we sleeping yet?"

"We're sleeping," he agreed, hardly able to pass over the benefits of laying in bed with his girlfriend versus hauling her downstairs to a room full of people she didn't want to deal with. Besides, if she said she was tired… He pressed his lips against the warm bare skin that lay before him, hands absently tracing patterns over her stomach as their child's kicks finally quieted. Time seemed to drift strangely; they lingered at that hazy border between sleep and waking, their breathing the only sound in the room that was at once both light and dark, reminiscent of both day and night.

Eventually though, the thought that Meredith had been carefully and unconsciously subduing from the moment she'd woken up came roaring to the forefront of her mind--sharp beside her other sleep-filled thoughts, and impossible to ignore. "Derek?" she asked, her voice a hesitant whisper against the pillowcase that nonetheless split the silence. He nodded, his chin bumping slightly against her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

Meredith bit her lip, suddenly balling the sheet up tightly in her fist. "Is your family… Are they coming today?" Her voice shook a little as she spoke despite her determination to remain nonchalant.

"I don't know," admitted Derek, a quick frown darkening his brow. "I haven't talked to them since yesterday." He sighed heavily, shifting on the bed, and reached down to unhook his phone from where it was clipped to his jeans beside his pager.

"What are you doing?" asked Meredith, an anxious note seeping into her voice as she twisted back around to find him holding his phone. Derek paused, his thumb already hovering over the keypad.

"I was gonna call, and tell them not to come." Meredith nodded slowly, but said nothing, her teeth worrying her bottom lip back and forth. Derek raised an eyebrow, trying to interpret her silence. "That's what you want, right?" he asked, his eyes searching hers, yet still eliciting no response. Meredith shifted uncomfortably, her face flushing with guilt and embarrassment as Derek's voice grew incredulous. "Did you…do you want them to come?"

"No," she said hastily, her voice a little too loud in the quiet room. "I just--" She frowned, and forced herself to look up from the pillowcase, using the memory of the night before to free her lips. "I told you I didn't want you to write your family out of your life because of me." Her words ran together a little as she stumbled to get them out as quickly as possible, yet there was a sharp edge to her tone that wasn't subdued by the stammering.

"I remember," said Derek slowly, his phone slipping from his hands to land on the mattress with a soft thud. "But that doesn't mean I have to see them again at your party." Meredith nodded and pulled away from his gaze, turning her eyes towards the bed once more. Reaching out, Derek ran his hand up the slender length of her arm to reach the hair that spilled golden over her shoulders. The strands were silken against his palm as he let the waves wrap around his fingers; holding onto her physically even as he felt her slip back into her familiar pattern of silence, her face close to impassive, but betrayed by the stormy uncertainty in her eyes. "Hey," he tried, his voice coaxing, but not quite daring to expect a reply. "Tell me what you want Mer." Meredith frowned at that--eyebrows darting quickly together and apart--before opening her mouth, and catching Derek completely off guard.

"We're not breaking up any time soon, right?"

"What…us?" spluttered Derek, his eyes dark, incredulous and a little bit alarmed. "No. Meredith, god no. Never." He propped himself up on an elbow, shaking his head emphatically.

"Never?" echoed Meredith quietly. The immediate fierce sincerity of his reply was more than she had expected; thoroughly distracting her from her thoughts. She moved her hand almost shyly to touch his cheek, both unable and unwilling to halt the smile that tugged insistently at the corners of her mouth.

"Never," he promised, finding even the possibility absurd. Meredith tore her eyes from his, quietly angry with herself for her sudden inexplicable desire to burst into tears; something messy and overly emotional. She swallowed hard, keeping the impulse at bay. "Besides," mused Derek softly, his gaze drifting down to her swollen stomach. "Think of all the other babies we still have to have." He grinned, his voice growing teasing to shake off the painful horror that hummed in the back of his mind at the thought of trying to live without Meredith in his life. "Can't work on that if we're broken up."

"Excuse me?" Meredith's head snapped back up, her voice sharp and incredulous. "More babies? You do realize that the first one is still _inside _me!" Her eyes were wide and shocked, all thoughts of tears forgotten.

"Bad timing?" he asked with a sheepish grin.

"You think?" snapped Meredith. "You're supposed to hold off on your crazy _more _babies idea until after we have this one." She paused for a moment, her expression sliding easily into a smirk. "And, you have to be the one who's pregnant next time."

Derek's grin simply broadened, passing over the impossibility of her words. "Next time?" he asked eagerly. "So there's a next time?" Meredith laughed--dismissive yet amused--before shooting him a serious look.

"I had a point," she said. "I had a point, and you made me forget it." She paused, taking a moment to backtrack through her thoughts, her expression growing more and more somber as even the echo of their laughter faded away. "Right," she breathed, her teeth back to chewing on her lip. "I just--" She halted again, this time to look at Derek, who simply gave an encouraging nod, moving so that their foreheads were a hair away from touching. "If I'm going to see your family again, I'd rather it be…" Meredith let her voice fade away to a hum of indiscriminate sound, her cheeks suddenly coloring. Looking away from him, she mumbled, "It's silly and stupid, but I'd rather everyone be…I'd rather have my, well my…"

"Your family here," he supplied, his voice free of even a trace of laughter. Meredith nodded, blinking slowly before meeting his eyes, quietly amazed to find that he didn't dismiss her equating the two very different types of families, but simply accepted it. "Okay," he continued softly, silently glad that she would have the fierce buffer of her friends with her the next time she saw his mother. "I'll call Nancy, tell her they can come for an hour or so."

"Yeah," breathed Meredith. "An hour." She could handle an hour. She had to. The only other alternative--to cower and hide and avoid meeting their eyes once more--would turn the women into a menacing shadow in the back of her mind. They would be another dark thought that, despite all of Derek's reassurances, would plague her in the middle of the night. She gripped his arm, her nails digging little half-moons into the skin, promising herself that she could meet them again without running away.

"You're okay?"

Meredith blinked, turning to focus on Derek. He was watching her warily, his phone back in his hand, yet the call still unmade. "Yeah." She nodded, eyes darting from his face to the phone and back again. "You're calling Nancy?" she asked tentatively, feeling an unexpected but definite twinge of relief at the idea.

"Yeah," agreed Derek, smiling ruefully. "The odds of me yelling on the phone are much less if I call her."

He pulled her closer, one arm holding her flush against him so that her head settled in the crook of his neck. His lips brushed against her forehead as he dialed the phone, and Meredith found herself both surprised and grateful that he wasn't moving away to make the call, but was rather holding her that much closer. She could hear the faint sound of ringing, closely followed by a women's voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey. It's me," said Derek simply, settling deeper into the thick wall of pillows.

"I know it's you. Hold on a sec…" His sister's voice faded away into a faint distant murmur--as if she were speaking to someone on the other end--but, after a few moments of indistinct noises, her voice came back. "Okay."

"What was that?"

"I was in the middle of lunch," answered Nancy airily. "Didn't want to be rude."

"Oh that's rich coming from you," he snapped, bristling as the slight weight of Meredith's body nestled against his made it impossible to forget the day before. His words were met with a long awkward pause, silent except for the sound of his sister drumming her nails nervously against her cell phone, and so he let the subject drop for the moment, simply asking, "You're having lunch with mom?"

"And Addison."

"And Addison? Seriously?"

"Yeah. She called and offered," said Nancy, nodding her head. "Something about the difficulty of finding edible food in Seattle." Derek looked down at Meredith, rolling his eyes in response to his sister. Meredith just smiled slightly, feeling too tense to manage anything else. "Umm," continued Nancy, her voice growing suddenly tentative. "How's Meredith?"

"She's fine," answered Derek, his eyes blackening as his voice hardened. "No thanks to you."

"I know," she said instantly, apologetically. "I'm sorry."

Derek's heavy frown grew curious, and he cocked his head to the side. "If I didn't know you better Nance, I'd say you were being sincere." Nancy just let out a shaky sigh, clicking her tongue against her teeth.

"I am," she admitted, her voice quiet. "Addie told me what happened."

"Oh…"

"Yeah." She paused, and when she spoke again, it was teasingly. "Actually, I'm starting to think that the one I should be mad at is you."

"What?" spluttered Derek indignantly, taken back by the sudden switch. "Why?"

"Oh please, don't try and act innocent," she said dryly. "I heard what you did; letting Meredith keep the fact that she was pregnant a secret from the entire hospital until she collapsed, and then, moments after Addison found out, sending her to save your baby." Derek moaned, chancing a cautious glance at Meredith, only to find that her green eyes were dancing with an amused light. Nancy's voice grew stern as she continued on. "I mean really, Derek. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I…ah, wasn't?"

"That sounds about right," said Nancy with a laugh. But as her laughter faded away, her voice grew solemn once more. "Look, Derek," she said frankly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped down the poor girl's throat like that, it's just…Addie." Derek remained silent, running his hand through Meredith's hair, not quite ready to forgive her so quickly. "She was one of my bridesmaids," continued Nancy, unnerved by the lack of response. "Right there with my sisters. She delivered all three of my babies. She's just-- I had to be on her side, Derek. I had to, and then…turns out she's not even on her side. Sides are over with. If anything, she's on the intern's side."

Derek sighed heavily, feeling a sudden surge of gratitude to his ex wife for the second time in two days. "I know," he allowed, his voice quiet, finally understanding where his sister's reaction had come from. "You'd like Mer, though."

"I'll try to," promised Nancy. "Addison really does, you know, and if she can…" Her voice trailed off, and Derek glanced down at Meredith to find her eyes wide with mingled surprise and disbelief. He grinned at her, brushing his lips against hers as his sister spoke again. "She makes you happy, right? Meredith makes you happy?" Derek lifted his mouth reluctantly from Meredith's, looking straight into her eyes as he spoke.

"She makes me incredibly happy."

"Good," said Nancy quickly, still finding the subject awkward thanks to the persistent memory of the day before. "I'm glad then. And…congratulations on the baby. I, uh-- I hadn't said that yet."

"No," he agreed. "You hadn't."

The siblings fell silent for a moment; Nancy scuffing the sleek leather toe of her shoe along the ground as Derek let his fingers climb slowly up and down the line of Meredith's spine, grateful that some of the tension seemed to have finally left her. They silence dwindled down into something awkward, and, when it did break, it was through both their voices speaking simultaneously.

"Derek?"

"What's mom think?"

"Umm," replied Nancy, deferring to his question. "She's still-- Well, she's not as easy to convince as me. She doesn't want to believe Addison, and so, you know her. She's barely listening."

Derek groaned, pulling Meredith closer to him at that. "I figured as much."

"Yeah, she wouldn't drop it this morning. What was it she kept saying…? Oh yeah, that you're displaying shocking moral ineptitude." Nancy let her voice lapse into a shrill imitation of their mother, serving to bring a ghost of a smile to her brother's face.

"I like the shocking moral ineptitude," he muttered dryly. "Mom should try it some time."

"Right," laughed Nancy. "Just as soon as hell freezes over." As her laughter faded away, her voice grew serious once more. "Listen, Derek. She's still set on going to that shower. Addison and I have been trying to talk her out of it all lunch, but she keeps saying that Meredith invited her, and that unless Meredith revokes the invitation…" Derek sighed heavily, frustration building within him once more in response to his mother's attitude. "Maybe you should talk to mom?" suggested Nancy tentatively.

"I will," said Derek, clearly incensed. "But I talked to Mer before I called you, and--" He twisted slightly on the bed, turning to find Meredith's eyes, silently asking her if she wanted him to go ahead. She shrugged, and gave him a small nod. "She's okay with the both of you coming," he continued.

"Are you sure?" asked Nancy incredulously.

"Yeah. We're sure."

"Okay… That's some girlfriend you've got."

"I know," said Derek simply, proudly; beyond touched that Meredith was willing to give his family another chance for his sake despite how poorly they had treated her. "Try and convince mom to behave though," he added. "I don't expect Meredith to give you guys another chance after this. Hell, I didn't expect her to give you today, but…she is. So please," he paused, his voice growing pleading and intimate. "Don't waste it Nancy." Without giving his sister a chance to reply, he pulled the phone from his ear, and ended the call, turning back to look at Meredith.

"Well…" murmured Meredith quietly. Derek let the phone drop carelessly onto the bed, freeing his hand to pull her closer to him, protective even within the seclusion of their room.

"Well," he echoed, searching the deep green wells of her eyes. "You're sure you're okay with this? Them being here?"

Meredith gave a slight shrug, betraying her true uncertainty, before resolutely nodding her head. "Yeah," she breathed, to which Derek simply raised a single questioning eyebrow. "Trying to be," she amended with a sigh. "I just--" She stuttered uncertainly, pressing her palm flat against his chest. "If I want them to leave…?" she asked at last, her voice tentative.

"They'll leave," he replied immediately, his answer firm and definite. "Just tell me, and they're gone." Derek paused, his expression growing dark as memories of the day before came flooding back. He ran his fingers through her hair, letting the strands slither from root to tip past his knuckles. "And Meredith," he continued, his voice urgent as he watched the web of golden hairs finally pass his fingers and float back towards the rumpled pillowcase. "Promise you'll tell me." Moving from her hair to her mouth, he rubbed the pad of his thumb gently over her lower lip, his eyes pleading. "Promise me you won't disappear again…that you'll tell me instead."

She smiled quietly up at him, the corners of her lips faltering as she caught sight of the deep worry that bellied his gaze. "I promise," she murmured. Lifting a hand to his cheek, her fingers pressed smooth and silken against the rough stubble of his jaw line. He nodded, seemingly relieved, and her smile returned as some of the worry within him slowly melted away. Their eyes met with eerie precision; two puzzle pieces finding their match, and locking perfectly. The silence that filled the room turned heavy and close as they stared at each other, and what little was left of worry turned to want. "Derek," she urged, her voice a low hum in her throat as her hands curled hungrily, enclosing the dark strands of his hair in her fists. He didn't reply with words, but rather lowered his mouth to hers, capturing her lips easily in a slow lazy kiss as his tongue teased her mouth open. She moaned--the sound lost within him--as their tongues jumped to life to fight and twist and stroke, filling her with the taste of him. The next sound she made was a soft shuddering sigh, but it escaped to echo through the room as he left her mouth for her throat; teeth scraping and nipping at the slender column of her neck, followed always by the soothing pressure of his tongue, and encasing her body in an exquisite shivering heat. Meredith clawed at the thin fabric of his shirt with her nails, scraping and impatient. But Derek's hands had slid under her top and beneath the waistband of her shorts, obstructing her efforts, and rendering her usually capable fingers fumbling and useless. She could do little more than arch into the palm of his hand--her breathing rasping and uneven--as her body pulsed so intensely that she swore even her very cells reverberated with want.

Finally, she managed to contort a moan into some strangled senseless version of his name that Derek seemed to recognize. He lifted his head to look at her, the usually piercing blue of his eyes gone beetle-black, and brushed his lips tenderly against the tip of her nose in acknowledgement. She tugged at the neckline of his shirt, letting out a frustrated whimper. "Too many clothes," she managed impatiently, aching to shade the layers between them.

"Too many clothes?" he echoed, cocking an eyebrow as he smirked at her in amusement.

"Yes," she hissed, bringing her hands to the hem of his t-shirt, and yanking up hard. He obliged her, raising his arms and shedding his shirt, letting it fall forgotten to the floor. Not stopping there, they peeled off every last layer of clothing that separated them, Derek's eyes never leaving her body for a second, but rather wandering over her swollen profile; warm and glowing in a way that took his breath away.

Slowly, tenderly, as if afraid she might break, he lowered Meredith back onto the bed, watching as her hair splayed out over the pillows all dark gold against pale skin. She stretched an entreating arm out to him--fingers lacing as their hands clasped--their bodies fitting together awkwardly. Her other hand ran down his back to pull him closer, her breath whispering sharply past her teeth as every heightened nerve in her body seemed to hum blissfully, the sharp craving for the feel of bare skin on skin finally satisfied. Staring hazily up at him, as if through some sort of smoky veil that left everything indistinct save for their eyes, she found herself getting lost in a sea of deep smoldering blue.

Derek's hands lingered on her stomach as they made their way down her body. Despite knowing the feel, the weight, the shape of the ever growing curve of her womb as intimately and completely as if a life thrived within him and not her, he could never cease marveling at it. It never stopped thrilling him. It was his baby laying curled inside of his Meredith. His child. _His_… Because of him, and, without fail, his mind went giddy at the thought. The surge of protectiveness that followed was always equally strong; gathering her closer as if to shelter her as she wrapped her legs around him, her thighs warm and bare and smooth against his body.

Meredith writhed beneath him, every inch of her stretching and shifting to find a way to hold on to more of him, of this and _now_, to forget the uncertainty of later. The rest of the afternoon was a vague unhappy idea that lessened with each moment, yet lingered on like a last thought teetering persistently on the tightrope stretched between sleeping and waking, threatening to follow over into dreams. Derek leaned forward and kissed her again, the pressure of his mouth harder and more insistent as she finally took him inside of her. He groaned her name--the low sound taking on its own melody--and slowly but surely blotted out every last worry with the combination of his mouth and hands and him, catching her up in a glowing web of ever rising sensations. There was nothing left but the feeling of him; of something mounting and burning, shivering and falling, yet perfectly safe, and already caught. And so, at last she let her mind go deliciously blank; everything beyond the two of them ceasing to matter.

-----

_So, this update was a little bit shorter than the previous one, but Mer/Der needed a brief respite away from all of his family drama they've gotten caught up in, and this was it. And the two of them have gotten better since the day before. After they had their huge talk, Meredith is less overwhelmed by things, and is actually talking to Derek when he asks her what's wrong instead of simply bottling up. So, they've made progress. Not leaps and bounds because it has been under twenty-four hours, and she's still quite terrified of his family, but they're finally going in the right direction. That progress didn't just go away over night, things are still getting better for them. And yeah...his family. It's now really just an army of one, thanks to Addison. Nancy was doing the fairly typical girl thing, and going against the girl who wrecked not only her brother's marriage, but the marriage of one of her friends. While she is far from adoring Meredith, after hearing things from Addie herself, she's much less inclined to simply hate Mer blindly. And she feels guilty about how she acted the day before. Jacqueline though...she hasn't come around so easily. She's got bigger problems with the whole thing. And all that? It'll be addressed next chapter, when we'll finally get to the shower. Finally...heh. And hopefully the next update will be up much sooner than this one. Sorry again for the delay btw, and thanks for reading! _


	31. World Spins Madly On

_Okay, so…a slightly quicker longer update to make up for the slower shorter one that came before this. First of all, I'm glad to hear that people are enjoying the fairly McDreamy version of Derek we've been getting of late. I find how much Derek loves Meredith to be one of the things that redeems him despite the fact that he can quite often be a total ass. So yes, this is him getting the turn to be the good guy after spending the better part of the first half of this story being MIA and totally not what Mer needed at all. Anyway, that's that. Thank you as well for the great reviews. I'm so, so happy that people are enjoying the story, and hearing what you guys think is one of the best parts of the whole writing thing. So, thank you for that! As for the actual update, we're picking up pretty much right where we left off. This is turning out to be a very long couple of days, chapter-wise. And this is part one of the baby shower. Somehow this scene has morphed into a giant monster because I've come up with an extra idea I hadn't planned on, but really want to work in. So yes, I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. It won't be in this chapter though. This is part one, and, well…there are three parts to this, part two containing the expanded new idea that hopefully won't blow up in my face. Anyway, enough of me worrying aloud. Onto the chapter!_

_-----  
Woke up and wished that I was dead  
With an aching in my head  
I lay motionless in bed  
The night is here and the day is gone  
-----_

Meredith lay curled beside Derek in a warm tangle of limbs, idly lacing their fingers together and pulling them apart, over and over weaving them together and apart. He glanced down as her slender fingers joined with his once more, squeezing her hand so that it stilled, prompting her to look up at him expectantly. With a reluctant groan, he tilted his head to indicate the bedside clock, the neon glow of its numbers rudely proclaiming that Izzie had wanted them downstairs close to an hour ago.

"We should really get up now."

"Mmmm." Her voice was a soft hum of aloof acknowledgement, and she dropped his hand to lean forward, searching out the proof of the clock herself. "Yeah," she breathed at last. "We should. Izzie's gonna kill me." But instead, she dropped weightlessly back into the warm cocoon of blankets and pillows; her body still feeling wonderfully drunk and pliable as if her bones had all simply changed to rubber. She heard Derek let out a low grunt of reluctant agreement, and Meredith bit down on her lip, swinging her gaze back to him. "In five minutes?" she amended hopefully, wanting to shun the thought of getting up for a little longer. He grunted his agreement once more, but this time the sound was accompanied by a devilish grin. Reaching out, he pulled her closer to him, kissing the top of her head as it came to rest against his shoulder. Meredith sighed contentedly as his lips found her neck, but, just as she closed her eyes, the door to her room came flying open with a loud angry crack.

"Oh you have _got _to be kidding me!"

"What?" spluttered Meredith, eyes opening in shock as she reached instinctively to yank the sheet up to her chin, grateful that they were--for the most part--already under it. "Cristina," she continued, her voice careening into an irritated whine. "We're busy here! And naked. Busy _and _naked!"

Cristina just scoffed, rolling her eyes at her friend. "Yeah, I can see that. I'll be needing to borrow your bleach later for my eyeballs."

"We have got to start locking that door," muttered Derek, scooting up slightly in bed, and prompting Cristina to fling out a hand as the sheet shifted.

"Whoa, stop right there McDreamy. Bleach can only do so much."

"Wait, so now you don't want us to get up?" asked Meredith hopefully, still lodged snugly against Derek's chest.

"Pity," smirked Derek, looking down at his girlfriend. "We were just about to get dressed." Meredith nodded in agreement, doing her best to appear innocent as Cristina glowered at Derek before turning to her.

"Oh, you're getting up," she snapped, raking a hand through her unruly curls. "You know, this is unbelievable. You get sex, and I get stuck downstairs listening to Izzie wax insane about whether the storks would look better hanging by the windows or over the fireplace!" Meredith managed to squeeze in an apologetic grimace before her expression contorted into one of bemused horror.

"Storks? There are…storks?"

"Yes," seethed Cristina, her voice as dark as if she were accusing the birds of bloody murder.

"They're just storks," volunteered Derek somewhat tentatively, instantly finding himself accosted by two flashing sets of eyes.

"Shut up," the women snapped in unison.

"Okay, okay. I was just saying." He held up a hand defensively, and retreated further under the covers in defeat. Turning from Cristina to Meredith, he grinned at her as he pulled her closer, letting his fingers trail up and down the inside of her thigh.

"Behave," she mouthed pointedly, smiling even as she rolled her eyes and pulled his hand away, folding it deliberately with her own, and letting them settle over the rise in the blankets created by her stomach.

"Okay, this is what we're doing people," continued Cristina, carrying on as if oblivious to the looks they were exchanging. "I'm closing the door, and the two of you are going to get dressed." She pointed a finger warningly in Derek's direction. "That means clothes _on, _not off, McDreamy." He opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. "Uh uh. You were sent up here to make sure Mer was getting dressed, but instead you're the reason she's lying there with no clothes. You don't get to complain. You'd be out in the hall already if you weren't naked under there." She made a face as if the thought alone bothered her, and Derek frowned, his voice defensive.

"What? I would not… You can't kick me out." Cristina just smirked challengingly, and he turned to Meredith for reassurance, his voice growing questioning. "She can't kick me out…?"

"Actually, she could. She could probably kick me out if she wanted, and it's my house."

"I wouldn't kick you out," said Cristina dismissively.

Meredith perked up at that, grinning at her friend. "Oh, thank you."

Cristina just shrugged. "Izzie wants you downstairs in ten minutes," she said warningly, and started to back out the open door.

"Ten minutes?" echoed Meredith, her eyes widening in alarm. She raised a hand to the messy halo Derek's hands had worked her hair into, growing aware of her disheveled appearance. "I have to… I can't get ready in ten minutes." Derek placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but she shook it away. "You realize your mother's going to think I'm a porn star or whatever now too."

"You look fine," he insisted, running his fingers through the jumbled assortment of curls and waves that framed her face.

"No, I don't look fine. Your mom already thinks I'm a whore. This is just going to…"

"His mom?" interjected Cristina curiously. "Wait, his mother's coming?"

"Yes," groaned Meredith, turning from Derek to look at her friend. "His mother _and_ his sister. And they hate me."

"They don't hate you," offered Derek, to which she simply raised a disparaging eyebrow. "Okay, Nancy doesn't hate you," he amended. "And I'll take care of my mother." Meredith shrugged--still fidgeting with her hair--and turned back to meet Cristina's inquisitive gaze.

"His family came over out of freaking nowhere yesterday, and Izzie invited them to the shower."

Cristina nodded, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, she has a tendency to do that with people."

"And so I couldn't uninvite them," continued Meredith, still following her own train of thought. "Then I'd be the sad pathetic girl with no spine who can't handle her boyfriend's family, and I'm not that girl. I'm not. I have a spine. I can handle them. I'm just…" She trailed off, frowning vaguely at Cristina. "Whatever… What were you saying? Izzie has a tendency to do what with people?" Cristina just shrugged, looking suddenly uncomfortable.

"Um, you know. To tell them stuff. Don't tell me you've _just _now noticed she has a big mouth."

"Right," giggled Meredith, sounding satisfied with the explanation. She turned back to look at Derek, suddenly slapping him across the chest. He straightened up, his brow darting down into a surprised frown as he caught her tiny wrist, easily encircling it with two fingers.

"What was that for?"

"That was for messing up my hair. I'd actually bothered to do it for a change," she said lightly, pulling her hand free to go back to worrying the loose strands into loops around her fingers. "And you had to go and mess it all up." Derek just grinned, burying his face in her hair, and inhaling deeply.

"Sorry," he mumbled, not sounding the slightest bit apologetic.

"Should've thought of that before having all the sex," said Cristina with a knowing smirk, prompting Meredith to glare at her, her voice growing irritated.

"Don't give me that look," she snapped. "It's the pregnancy hormones. I can't control them!"

"Whatever. Just get dressed already," said Cristina sharply. Meredith wrinkled her nose, frowning at her friend.

"Since when did you get so mean?"

"Right after you decided to ban all the alcohol at this thing."

"Right…" Meredith grinned sheepishly, her eyes both apologetic and amused. "We'll hurry." She let out an abrupt shriek of laughter as Derek--growing bored--shifted under the blankets, and pulled her suddenly into his lap.

"Don't even think about it, McDreamy," snapped Cristina, pointing a warning finger at him. She turned to Meredith, adding, "Mer, don't let him so much as touch a boob." And with that, she disappeared from sight; closing the door, and leaving the couple alone.

Meredith sighed, and, in one long fluid motion, twisted around, kissed Derek lightly on the lips, and slid out of bed to grab her robe. Knotting its tie loosely above the rise of her belly, she shuffled back to where he sat at the edge of the bed, his hair as rumpled as hers. She stood between his legs, twining her arms round his neck, and letting her fingers run through the dark disheveled curls. "So," she breathed as he tilted his head back to look up at her, his chin nudging her stomach.

"So," he echoed, suddenly smirking. "Cristina keeps calling me McDreamy."

"Yeah," agreed Meredith, bending down and kissing him again. She straightened up, raking her hand back through his hair before pulling away. "That's a good thing."

"Yeah?" he echoed, sounding rather proud. He settled back against the pillows--his expression smug--as Meredith made her way to the bathroom.

"Hmmm…yeah," she agreed blithely. "A very good thing." She paused suddenly in the doorway and looked back, grinning wickedly over her shoulder at him. Her eyes were dark and mischievous, glinting in the light. "Except when Cristina says it," she called, and she disappeared from sight, laughing to herself as she watched his smirk fall away.

-----

It was much closer to thirty minutes than ten when Meredith finally let Derek drag her from the bathroom. Even then, she came fussing and worrying all the way, her mind refusing to let go of the memory of just how disheveled she had looked the day before when she'd opened the front door to find Derek's family standing there. And so she left the shelter of her room reluctantly, tugging on her shirt and the wavy ends of her hair until Derek finally reached out and stilled her hands. He walked her deliberately towards the stairs--one arm looped around her back, the palm of his hand coming to rest against the side of her stomach--calmly deflecting and deterring both her need to run back and bemoan the fact that her hair couldn't somehow be red and sleek and effortlessly glamorous--just for tonight--as well as the hundred and one additional worries she managed to drum up in the eight steps it took to make it from their room to the head of the stairs.

"It's gonna be fine," Derek reassured her gently as she froze once more, suddenly reaching out for his hand as she eyed the stairs with the sort of expression one might generally use to regard shark infested waters.

"Right…fine," she murmured unconvincingly. Chewing on her lip, Meredith tried to will away the nervous fluttery feeling that was suddenly filling her. "It's just my friends. It'll be fine." Derek nodded yet again, refraining from mentioning that they'd been over this same point at least a dozen times in the past twenty minutes, and simply squeezed her hand, finally managing to coax her down the stairs. The sound of their descent was apparently a signal of some sort; the house was immediately full of the sounds of shouting voices, rapid footsteps, and slamming doors. They paused in unison halfway down the staircase, turning to regard each other with bemused expressions and matching shrugs. Growing more and more curious, they continued walking until they reached the foot of the stairs, but found nothing more than a rather breathless group of four waiting there for them.

"Finally!" exclaimed Izzie, beaming up at them beatifically.

"Sorry," mumbled Meredith, blushing slightly in apology before she lifted her gaze, and took in the change her house had undergone. Her breath escaped past her lips in a startled hiss, and she reached instantly for Derek's hand again, her nails digging in a little too tightly. Tiny lights, like the ones seen at Christmas, were strung up along the walls running from floor to ceiling. However, instead of white lights, the bulbs were a bright and glowing pink. Great twists of streamers in soft pinks and lilacs dangled overhead, with countless images of little, rosy-cheeked, cherubic babies swinging in their midst. Every possible empty surface had apparently been commandeered for the express purpose of displaying baby themed knickknacks, and a truly alarming number of pastel balloons filled the air--some tethered, and others free to bob about at random. Taking it all in, the effect was suitably bizarre; the house radiated an allover pink hue. "Umm," managed Meredith, her voice a strangled hoarse sound. She met Cristina's eyes, and was immediately forced to look away to avoid bursting into a loud peal of horrified, shrieking, entirely inappropriate laughter. She turned instead back to Izzie, finding the blonde watching her expectantly, nearly bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "Wow Iz," she finally said, her voice still hoarse, still altogether strained. "You went all out."

Izzie beamed, nodding her head. "Yeah… They think it's too over the top--" She gestured dismissively to the other interns flanking her.

"We think it's a freak show," interjected Cristina in a low murmur that was directed at Alex, but reached Meredith as well. She grinned, biting back a sharp snort of laughter, and forced herself to return to Izzie, who was carrying on undeterred.

"But, you know, it's your baby. It's your first baby, Mer, and you only get _one _first baby. It should be special."

Meredith nodded. "Well, this is…special."

"Oh good," said Izzie immediately. "You like it? I hoped you'd like it." Meredith shifted awkwardly, but nodded again.

"Yeah…it's, it's great Iz."

"Yay!" Izzie's face blossomed into another blinding smile, and she seemed to stop just shy of clapping her hands together like a giddy schoolgirl. However, after a moment of wild grinning, she snapped into a completely different mood, her voice growing serious. "We have to go to the den," she announced. She frowned down at her watch, adding, "Right away. You two took _forever_, and now we're running late, so…come on. Hurry."

"Okay," said Meredith slowly, awkwardly as Izzie gestured for her to get off the stairs already. "But…we never use the den. And what's the hurry? It's just us."

"We just-- We need to hurry," answered Izzie, already making her way down the hall. Meredith glanced in turn at Cristina, George, and Alex, garnering nothing more than irritatingly vague shrugs as they each turned and followed Izzie. Still holding onto Derek tightly, Meredith followed as well, a puzzled frown etched permanently across her brow. The rest of the house appeared to have suffered the same fate as the hallway by the stairs, and pink streamers and balloons floated everywhere. Soon enough, they reached the small windowless den located at the far side of the house. It was a secluded little place, right next to the study Meredith used as a storage room for the boxes of her mother's stuff she still hadn't bothered to unpack and sort through. However, the tiny den had clearly been touched by Izzie within the past twenty-four hours, and sported none of the dust-filled dinginess it was usually accustomed to. If anything, the room glowed brightest of all--pink light spilling out into the hall through the opened door. Waving a little too dramatically, Izzie ushered Meredith and Derek in, sitting them down on the streamer bedecked couch that had somehow been kidnapped from the front room, and wedged into the narrow confines of the den.

"Well," said Meredith, feeling suddenly awkward as she looked up to find all of her friends seated expectantly around her. "Um…" Her hand drifted inattentively towards her hair, latching onto a strand, and twisting it into a spiral. She let herself shrink down a little beside Derek; uncertain of what to be doing, and strongly disliking being the sole center of attention even there in their tiny, intimate group. "What am I supposed to do?" she asked at last, glancing from one expectant face to the next, straight down the line of four.

"Presents, Mer," suggested Cristina, her tone giving away the fact that she thought she was stating the obvious.

Looking down, it finally registered with Meredith that the small coffee table currently digging into her shins served a purpose beyond that of making sure that there was no available floor space in the room. A small quantity of gifts lay in a pile atop it; all feather-light tissue paper and expertly curled ribbons. "Oh…"

"Yeah. Go on," urged Izzie, picking up a present, and forcing it into her hands. "Hurry up, before everyone else gets here."

"Everyone else?" echoed Meredith, her fingers freezing midway to pulling of the ribbon. She looked up--wide-eyed and uncertain--a sudden wariness settling in the pit of her stomach. The feeling grew as her question was met with a heavy moment of silence; the other interns turning to stare sharply at Izzie, who was staring down at her lap as she fidgeted with her sweater, seeming to search for an answer in its thick weave.

"Derek's family," blurted Cristina suddenly, breaking the quiet just as it began to morph into something indisputably suspicious. "These are just from us, and so we wanted just us to give them to you." She clasped her hands together behind her neck, settling back into her chair smug and satisfied.

"Right!" Izzie laughed--blushing until her cheeks matched the room--and nodded her head far too vigorously. "The Shepherds are coming, so everyone else is…the Shepherds!"

"Oh…" Meredith gave a resigned nod of her head, her fingers trembling as she picked up her present again. "I forgot," she admitted honestly, having pushed the arrival of Jacqueline and Nancy to the furthermost corner of her mind. Only now, the thought came rushing forward, serving to distract her completely from her friends' odd behavior. She turned and offered Derek a small smile in response to the reassuring hand he'd laid on her shoulder. With a slight tilt of her head--something intimate and lost on everyone save him--she wordlessly promised that she was still okay. They stared at each other for a moment, falling easily into deep pools of dark blue and pale green, but were soon interrupted as Izzie resumed the task of urging her to hurry, hurry, hurry. "Okay, okay." A slight smile spread across her face as she glanced down at the gift resting in her lap, her fingers moving to overturn the card. "It's from Cristina," she announced to the room.

"It is," agreed Cristina, her voice slightly haughty as Meredith set to work unwrapping the gift.

A brief flurry of tissue paper and ribbons later, and she was holding up a large glass bottle. "Seriously?" she laughed, searching out her friend's eyes. "You got me tequila?"

Cristina shrugged. "We've nine months of drinking to make up for once you finally pop McFetus out." Meredith gave a sharp nod of her head, unable to keep from grinning as she set the bottle down on the table.

"This is why you are my person," she declared, something within her relaxing in response to the break from the onslaught of _pink_ and babies, laughing at the old normalcy.

The rest of the small pile disappeared quickly; Meredith's tentative smile morphing into a permanent fixture as, with each new gift unwrapped, she found herself staring down at something she'd had to give up for the baby. By the time their feet were lost beneath a sea of torn wrapping paper, Meredith was thoroughly amused, and face-to-face with a restocked liquor cabinet and more coffee than she could consume in a year.

"Great. So in six weeks, I'm going to have a very drunk girlfriend on a caffeine high _and _a crying baby?" Derek asked, his voice exasperated, but his eyes full of a warm smile.

"Yes," answered Meredith airily, teasing him. "You are. And of course there's all the sex you _won't_ be having." She looked back at her presents as Derek groaned, doing her best to keep from grinning. "Consider yourself lucky."

"I do," he said simply, pulling her closer and kissing her cheek, prompting Izzie to come close to cooing in delight just as Cristina muttered something about McVomit.

"So," continued Meredith, returning her attention to her friends after shooting Cristina a stern look. "Thanks for my presents guys." She smiled and reached out to adjust her many bottles, letting her fingertips trail over the smooth glass. "They're great, really great."

"Don't thank us yet," said Izzie with a wave of her hand. "We got you real stuff too."

Meredith looked up incredulously. "More stuff?"

"Well obviously. You thought all you got for your baby shower was alcohol and coffee? Seriously?"

"I-- I didn't…"

"Don't be stupid, Mer. You get your other presents later."

"Oh…" Meredith settled back against the couch for a moment, but soon grew thirsty as she stared at the dozen or so bottles set up before her. "Well in that case," she muttered, scooting forward, and starting to struggle to her feet.

"What are you doing?" asked Cristina, watching as she teetered back and forth.

"Getting up," she snapped defensively.

"No, _why _are you getting up? Do you need something?"

"Yeah," said Meredith with a shrug. "I need something to drink."

"I'll go," said Derek instantly, easing her back down, and getting to his feet instead. Izzie's expression grew rapidly alarmed, her brown eyes widening until they resembled saucers.

"To the kitchen?" she stammered, shaking her head. "You can't, umm.." She paused to take a deep stalling breath just as the sound of the doorbell rang loudly through the house. "Crap." Izzie glanced around frantically as if looking for someone or something that just wasn't there, leading Meredith to the sudden realization that the room held two less people than it had before.

"What happened to George and Alex?" she asked.

"So, I'm gonna get the doorbell," muttered Izzie, ignoring her. Her voice came out slightly frenetic, but she let out a sigh of relief as her eyes landed on the dark-haired intern seated on the edge of the table, sorting through the liquor bottles. "And Cristina!" she declared loudly. "Cristina can get you your drink!" Cristina looked up--a scowl already firmly in place as she met Izzie's eyes--and Derek shook his head.

"Really, it's no trouble," he said. "I can get Mer what she needs." His words were cut off by a second chime from the doorbell, and Izzie tensed, her mood ratcheting right back up to a wild panic.

"No," she said, flinging out a hand in a halting gesture as she opened the door a crack, and stuck her head out into the hall. "Alex!" she bellowed, spinning back to face Derek just as soon as the word left her mouth. "You need to sit with Meredith," she continued. "She's your girlfriend, and it's your baby, so…it's your party too!" She grinned at him hopefully, anxiously, before turning to glower at Cristina. "Cristina can go to the kitchen," she added pointedly.

"You know what I did to Barbie dolls when I was a kid?" Cristina grumbled, awkwardly getting to her feet, and climbing over the furniture that littered the room. "Decapitated them." She made it at last to the small bit of floor by the door, and looked back at Meredith. "What'd you want Mer?"

"Ah…it's not a big deal," said Meredith, feeling stunned into silence by the strange scene that had just played out before her. "I'm good…really. Where did everybody go?"

Cristina just heaved a frustrated sigh. "What do you want to drink?"

"Uh…water's fine," she said meekly as the doorbell rang again--loud, irritated, and insistent.

"Crap!" declared Izzie, seeming to come to her senses as she suddenly yanked open the door, and disappeared into the hallway. "Alex!" she shouted again. "I told you like fifty times. The backdoor! The freaking backdoor!" Her voice faded away, leaving Cristina staring awkwardly at Meredith and Derek.

"Just for the record, Mer? None of this is my idea." And with that, she too disappeared, leaving the couple alone on the couch.

"So," breathed Meredith in the silence that followed, turning to look at Derek. "This is strange. This is _very _strange. My friends are acting…" She trailed off, shaking her head.

"Strange," supplied Derek with a bemused grin.

"Yeah…" Frowning, she began to worry the slender silver circlet of her watch round and round her wrist. "Is something going on?" she asked sharply, searching Derek's eyes for any trace of guilt or secrets, and finding nothing. He looked as confused as her.

"No idea. Do you want me to go find out?"

"No," said Meredith instantly, letting her watch alone to reach for his hand. "Don't you dare think about leaving me alone in here. If anything's going to scare me into labor it's that stork." She tilted her head towards the poster that had been pinned up on the far wall. It sported an oversized illustration of the bird with a bundle of pink blankets swinging precariously from its beak.

"Okay," agreed Derek, his voice a low chuckle. His hands moved to rub the back of her neck, distracting her from the frighteningly bad art in front of them. "Not counting the stork, are you hating this?" Meredith shrugged, letting out a soft thoughtful murmur.

"It's not so bad. I mean, I think my friends are all losing it, but…it's kinda fun." She twisted around to look at him, amending, "Once you get used to all the pink."

Derek nodded. "It is a lot of pink."

"Yeah, but it also comes with tequila, so…" Meredith giggled, nudging the base of a bottle with her foot. "So, it's okay." Derek laughed aloud at that, pulling her slightly into his lap so that his hands could fit around her stomach. "And you know, I haven't even freaked out about the complete destruction of my house," she continued proudly, gesturing around the room.

He raised an eyebrow, seeming impressed. "You're not freaking out?"

"Well…" Meredith shrugged. "I'm freaking out a little, but it's a nice quiet freak out that I don't think Izzie can detect seeing as she's already gone off the deep end all on her own tonight."

"Just tonight?" asked Derek, his voice teasing. Meredith only laughed, the sound light and happy as she settled back in his arms. However, it died off prematurely at the unmistakable click-clacking of approaching feet and the blur of bickering voices.

"Your family's here," muttered Meredith quietly, just as an unexpected third voice joined the argument out in the hall.

"I should really be going. I've dropped you guys off, and so just…have a nice time."

Meredith twisted around to look at Derek, her expression bewildered. "Is that Addison?" He nodded, the puzzled turn of his mouth mirroring hers.

"Yeah…"

"Nonsense, Addie," came the sound of Jacqueline's voice, cutting clearly through the closed door. "I'm sure Derek would love to see you." There was an awkward pause on both sides of the door before it was suddenly flung open, revealing a rather surprised and overwhelmed looking Izzie standing in the doorway.

"Um…they're in here," she said unnecessarily, tilting her head towards the couple. Meredith shifted uncomfortably--her eyes darting warily towards the women at the threshold--as Derek tightened his grip on her, his hands strong and reassuring. All that followed was long and painful silence, and Izzie, growing acutely uncomfortable, finally clasped her hands together, declaring, "So, this is cute!" Five pairs of eyes turned to regard her sharply, and, for once, she paled under the scrutiny. She shuffled to the farthest corner of the room, realizing that she should probably leave for the moment, but the gossip within her making it impossible.

Nancy looked around, taking in the frozen scene, and with a deep breath, forced herself to take the first step she had promised her brother. "Hi…Meredith," she said gently, her eyes locking with the younger woman's for a moment before Meredith shied away, glancing down at her tightly clasped hands.

"Hi," she replied, her voice quiet, almost inaudible. Derek pulled her closer still to him, his eyes full of a warning as he watched his sister. Not one to usually hold back, Nancy flashed him a winning smile before focusing again on Meredith.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," she said bluntly as Izzie's eyes widened inquisitively. Meredith found she could only nod, at a loss for what to say. Her eyes flitted over to Addison who stood fidgeting with the pear buttons of her blouse, the only other person who appeared to be as uncomfortable as she felt.

"Hi," she said awkwardly, growing aware of the younger woman's gaze. "Sorry, I'm-- I dropped them off, and they said I should come in and say hi. So, um…" She lifted one manicured hand, her smile tightlipped and tentative. "Hi. And congratulations. I'll just let myself out…" Her hand swung from its wave to gesture in the general direction of the exit, but Meredith shook her head, feeling a sudden bond with Addison over their shared unease.

"You're welcome to stay," she blurted out, her voice faltering as she caught sight of Izzie's raised eyebrows. "I'm sorry," she stammered immediately. "That's weird, right? But, I just… Please, don't feel like you have to leave," she continued, stumbling to explain herself. "Izzie made lots of food, too much food probably, and you're… Well, we would…" She twisted around to seek out Derek's eyes as he nodded in agreement, still feeling an overwhelming surge of gratitude for the help his ex-wife had given him with his family. Reassured, Meredith turned back around. "We'd like you to stay," she concluded, offering Addison a small smile; a visible symbol of the strange and tentative friendship that seemed to exist between them as a result of the previous day.

"Right," scoffed Jacqueline disparagingly. She spoke under her breath, but the sound carried easily in the small chamber of a room, and Meredith's face fell noticeably.

"I--" began Addison, meaning to refuse, but feeling a sudden unexpected surge of sympathy and anger twined tightly together. "Thank you, Meredith," she answered defiantly, managing a warm smile. "I'd love to stay." With a bold glance at the other women, she forced herself to weave a path through the claustrophobic room, finally making it to an empty chair. "How're you feeling?" she asked before looking sternly at Derek. "Derek, you're making sure she's resting enough, aren't you?"

"Trying to," he replied, his voice teasing in an attempt to get Meredith to relax into something other than the rigid form leaning against him, every muscle within her tense. "She likes to be difficult." As he hoped, she responded by twisting around to narrow her eyes at him; a flash of her old self returning.

"If it was up to you, you'd have me on bed rest already," she muttered. "But no, I'm fine," she continued, turning back to Addison, understanding and acknowledging the veiled reference to how she had been yesterday as she added, "Much better than before."

Addison just nodded. "Good." And as her voice faded away, a stifling silence once again threatened to engulf the group. With a worried glance at each other, the couple spoke in unison; Derek inviting his mother and sister to sit down, and Meredith apologizing for the tiny cramped room.

"Maybe we should move out of the den?" she suggested, eager to escape the space that seemed even smaller than she'd remembered thanks to the myriad decorations crowding them.

"No!" blurted out Izzie loudly, drawing all eyes to her. "Um…" she stammered, stalling as she repositioned a balloon. "There was a minor decoration crisis in the other room."

"I didn't see anything," volunteered Nancy, smiling warmly at her. "Everything looked lovely, actually. Did you do all of it? I wish my sisters had been as good at decorating when I was pregnant."

Izzie beamed, clearly reveling in the compliment. "Yeah," she nodded. "Thank you."

"Iz," insisted Meredith, growing irritated. "We're kinda dying in here."

"Right…um, sorry," she continued quickly, her laughter loud, anxious, and exaggerated. "It's a crisis though. You know, the usual. Balloons…flying. Streamers, um… Streamers everywhere. Just madness. George and Alex are working on it, and I should… I should go check on that." She nodded to herself, shifting towards the door. "But all of you, stay right here. Especially you, Meredith," she added emphatically.

"Izzie…"

"No, stay! The baby! Uh…the baby needs you to rest." She grinned a little too widely--clearly on edge--before slipping out of the room, and slamming the door shut pointedly behind her.

Meredith grimaced apologetically. "Sorry, ah… She's not normally like this. She's just…" She trailed off uncertainly, returning to fidgeting with her watch.

"Actually," said Derek in a low teasing voice, leaning forward to whisper in her ear. "She's behaving rather sanely tonight. She's usually worse." Meredith giggled, relaxing a little as the familiar timbre of his voice hummed against her ear drum. A smile escaped to play across her face as she tilted her body towards his, letting herself forget for a moment that the only thing that could possibly make the assembled group in front of her _more _awkward would be the addition of her own mother.

Nancy found herself staring at Derek and the woman he claimed to love; unable to miss the way the fear fell away from Meredith as she looked at him, her features lighting up in a way that was hard to ignore, and the way Derek couldn't stop grinning like a fool at her, his hand never leaving its place on her stomach. Nancy was surprised to realize that she too was smiling as she watched them, her brother's words replaying in her mind. _She makes me incredibly happy. _And, with that thought, she turned towards Meredith, her voice finally filled with a genuine warmth. "You sound like you have some great friends," she said quietly. "They must really love you to do all this."

Meredith flushed and nodded her head, picking idly at a stray streamer. "Yeah, well…they're great," she agreed. "They've been great about everything with the baby actually." She glanced about the room, sorely missing the presence of her fellow interns as she sat alone in a room with Derek's past. "I don't know what they're up to right now though. Something strange is going on." She wrinkled her nose, turning back to look at Derek. "Where's Cristina?" she asked, despite knowing the question was pointless; the lack of her best friend beside her resonating sharpest of all.

"Don't worry," he said reassuringly. "Izzie probably roped her into the minor decoration crisis."

Meredith laughed at that, nodding her head. "Right…" She glanced down at her hands, missing the stern look Derek shot his mother, urging her to do something besides sit there sullenly.

The woman sighed--the sound tinged with irritation--but obliged her son. "Did you open your gifts already, Meredith?" she asked in a clipped puzzled voice, glancing down at the table strewn with ribbon and tissue paper, liquor and coffee.

"Oh…those?" Meredith shrugged, smiling at the memory. "Yeah, sort of. Those are some of my presents." Jacqueline raised an eyebrow high in a disapproving arc as she lifted up a tequila bottle, scrutinizing it in the glowing pink light of the room.

"I do hope you realize you shouldn't drink while pregnant."

"Yes, she knows that," snapped Derek, his patience already worn thin thanks to the day before. "She's a doctor."

"They're, um… They're just for fun," continued Meredith awkwardly. "They gave me stuff I've had to give up for the baby."

"Well, that's a fun idea," said Nancy with a laugh.

"Yeah…I, I thought it was funny."

"Wow," interjected Addison, leaning forward to examine the table's contents herself. "You actually managed to give up coffee? So many of my patients just can't seem to do it, and with the hours you've got to work as an intern…I'm impressed."

"Yeah," nodded Meredith, wrinkling her nose at the memory of quitting the drink several months ago. "That was hell at first."

"So these are your only presents?" asked Jacqueline sharply, disrupting the flow of conversation.

"Um…no," said Meredith quietly, meeting the piercing blue of the woman's eyes briefly before looking away. "I don't think so. I mean, it's fine if they are, but, umm…" She shrugged, her words pouring out in a nervous explanation. "No, they were just trying to cheer me up. The whole baby thing's been kinda hard, and I'm not really good at doing the mom thing with the getting excited about the booties, and the clothes and the bibs, and whatever…"

"So they gave you tequila instead? You do want this baby, don't you?"

"Yes…" stammered Meredith, feeling as if she'd just been punched in the gut, and plunged straight back into the horror of the day before. She was once again helpless and uncertain, hating herself for her inability to string words together into a sensible reply. "I-- I just…" She turned to Derek pleadingly, finding his eyes blackened as he glared at his mother.

"Of course she wants her daughter," he snapped. "What the hell kind of question is that?"

The voices seemed to fade away from Meredith, turning into an indistinct roar of white noise. She glanced unhappily around the room, the open door finally registering as her eyes landed on Izzie and Cristina frozen in its frame. Their mouths were hanging open; Izzie a blur of wide brown eyes and disbelief, and Cristina something dark and furious. Meredith shook her head at them helplessly, pleading with her eyes for them to just stay silent, and not leap into the tension that pulsed tangibly in the room. And for the moment, they agreed--their shock keeping them frozen at the threshold. When Meredith finally was able to tear her gaze from her friends to focus on the scene in front of her again, it was to the sight of Jacqueline unclasping her handbag.

"While we're on the subject of gifts," she was saying airily. "Derek, we got you a card. It's just a little something for the baby." She produced a pale green envelope, brandishing it in her son's direction. He stared at it as if it were something revolting, before raising the burnished and bitter black of his eyes to stare at her.

"It's Meredith's shower," he said tersely. "You got _her _a card." His voice was full of a challenge, and, without giving her a chance to reply, he took the card and handed it to Meredith. "Open it, Mer," he ordered, his voice growing a notch gentler, but his eyes still full of something dangerous.

"Okay," she breathed. The word was a frail whisper that trembled even more than her fingers as they slit the envelope's seal. Carefully avoiding Jacqueline's eyes, she pulled out an ornate card with a delivery notice for an even more ornate crib laying within. "That's… Thank you," she managed quietly. "That's, it's nice. We-- Ah, we don't have a crib yet." She handed the card to Derek as Izzie darted forward, unable to resist examining the picture.

As the room fell back into several quiet conversations, Meredith's eyes locked with her best friend. Cursing to herself, Cristina struggled across the room, plopping down onto the armrest next to her. "Where the hell were you?" demanded Meredith as she was finally handed the bottled water she'd asked for earlier.

"What the hell was that?" asked Cristina by way of reply, her chin jutting angrily towards the small cluster of Derek's family.

"Nothing," mumbled Meredith, her voice as sharp as it was quiet. Cristina sighed, giving into her friend's obvious desire to avoid the subject. "Where were you?" Meredith repeated, eyeing her suspiciously.

Cristina cleared her throat. "Um…"

"I swear, if you tell me it was a decoration crisis."

"Well, I wouldn't say _crisis, _exactly."

"Cristina!" snapped Izzie indignantly, the word seeming to summon her attention from the crib over to them. Cristina just rolled her eyes.

"Fine, it was a crisis," she said dryly. "The double-sided tape was malfunctioning left and right. Whatever…"

"Oh, you are so lying," said Meredith. "What's happening out there?" Cristina glanced over at Izzie, but the blonde had returned to her previous conversation. "Cristina, just tell me. I'm trying really hard not to freak out here, but you're all acting so weird, and now Derek's family's here too."

"Yeah, about that," interjected Cristina, still angry at what she'd seen, and unwilling to refrain from commenting if Meredith brought them up herself. "What was up with that?"

Meredith feigned innocence. "With what?"

"With the anger, and the fighting, and the card thing."

"They hate me, remember," said Meredith with a small careless shrug. The gesture seemed nonchalant, but her eyes were pained and sad. "Just remember that. It makes everything much simpler. They hate me." Cristina turned to glare daggers at Jacqueline at that, but Meredith cleared her throat, steering the subject back to the mystery surrounding her party. "Seriously, what's going on?" she asked, tilting her head towards the closed door, and the muffled sounds that seemed to fill the rest of the house. "Did someone break something?" She frowned worriedly, thinking of some of her mother's more fragile expensive possessions.

Cristina shook her head. "Nope, that's not it."

"Then what?" snapped Meredith, exasperated. "Just tell me."

"I would, but…I'd be forfeiting some serious OR time if I did."

Meredith frowned, her voice growing skeptical. "Did Izzie do something stupid?"

"Quite possibly," replied Cristina. "And I just want you to remember that, when this turns into a huge disaster, this has all been Izzie's idea."

"Okay, _now_ I really am freaking out."

"Why are you freaking out?" asked Derek, turning back from simultaneously thanking and apologizing to Addison.

"Oh you know, just thinking huge imminent disaster that Izzie's apparently planned."

"What?" He frowned, twisting around to study the overwhelmed light that bellied her gaze. "What disaster?"

Meredith shook her head helplessly. "I don't know. But Derek, I can't handle this right now." She curled herself tightly against him, sitting halfway on his lap; needing to feel something familiar amidst the sharp uncertainty of the evening.

"Okay," he agreed, his voice gentle and soothing. His eyes sought out Izzie, and called her name. The younger woman looked up in surprise, still managing to be at once both smiley and frantic.

"Don't yell at her," breathed Meredith in an undertone, knowing that--in a way--the evening was as much about Izzie's daughter as it was her own. Derek nodded, and as he opened his mouth to speak, the door to the room came flying open once more. Everyone looked up to find Alex standing slightly breathless in the doorway.

"Everything's ready Iz," he said simply, to which she leapt from her seat, her voice once again high and excited.

"Everybody get up," she declared delightedly, gesturing towards the open door. Her words were followed by a fluster of confused movement and questioning voices, but she continued on undeterred, urging people out the door. Alex fought his way through the room, reaching down to help Meredith up off of Derek's lap.

"Hey," he said, his voice gentler than usual as he took in the ashen color of her complexion and her inability to stop worrying at her lower lip with her teeth. "You okay?" She shrugged helplessly, looking up as Izzie walked by.

"Iz, what's going on?' she asked. "Where are we going?"

"To the kitchen," she replied blissfully. "Everything's ready now. Food's ready…everything's ready!" She sailed past them, but paused long enough to grab a hold of Alex's elbow, dragging him out with her into the hall.

"Careful, Derek," cautioned Jacqueline as she too made her way past the couple. In a single graceful swoop--apparently not challenged in the slightest by either old age or high heels--she bent down, and picked up the card from where it had fluttered to the floor. "You want to hold on to that," she scolded. "I set a delivery date for two days from now, but there's a number on the slip you can call to reschedule if that's inconvenient." She smiled at her son, once again glossing over Meredith, before joining the group out in the hall. Suddenly, Meredith reached out for Derek's arm, yanking him back as the room emptied completely save for them.

Everyone had started to file towards the kitchen with the exception of Izzie and Alex, who hung just outside the doorway. "We should wait for them," she said defensively, correctly interpreting his critical glare.

"Stop it, Iz. You need to give them a moment."

"I was just…" she began, her voice indignant as he urged her away from the room, her ears unable to keep from straining to catch the whispered conversation going on inside.

"No, you weren't just," he said sharply. "Mer needs a moment to breathe, and she needs it with Shepherd. Let them be."

"But everything's all set…"

Alex frowned, taking a firm hold of her arm. "This is supposed to be about Meredith. Tonight's supposed to be about her and her daughter, not you Izzie." She sighed unhappily--a wounded little sound--but he just continued on. "I'm not saying you didn't do a great job setting everything up, but stop trying to make this perfect, and let it be how Meredith needs it to be." Without waiting for her reply, he herded her down the hall, forcing her to give the couple their privacy.

Inside the room, Meredith was pacing back and forth over the sole narrow stretch of bare floor while Derek watched her worriedly. "What is it, Mer?" he asked at last.

"We're sending it back," she said abruptly.

Derek just frowned, not quite following her. "What?"

"We're calling, and canceling the order. I'm not having it in my house."

"The crib?" he asked, to which she gave a sharp nod of her head. "I thought you said you liked it though…? We don't have a crib yet."

"No, Derek," she snapped, suddenly angry. "I don't like it. We're sending it back. I don't want anything from her, and there's no way in hell I'm letting my baby sleep in _that _crib."

"Okay," he said immediately, struggling over the table to reach her. "I'll call and cancel the order tomorrow, okay?"

Meredith nodded, still pacing back and forth, her voice an angry cadence that matched her footsteps. "I just-- I don't know, I…"

"Hey…" Derek reached out and caught her by the shoulders, forcing her to stop her pacing. "We're sending it back," he soothed, running his hands from her shoulders down her back, pulling her closer to him. "We'll send it back. You won't even have to see it, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed weakly, lifting her head from where she'd let it fall against his chest. "Sorry," she added, regarding him warily. "If you like the crib, if…"

"Shhh, I don't like it," he promised, holding her tightly to him until she finally drifted back towards her normal self. "How're you doing?" he asked gently when she straightened up once more.

Meredith shrugged. "I was better earlier."

"I know," he agreed, leaning forward so that their foreheads touched. "Time to hide in the closet yet?"

Meredith laughed sadly at that, shaking her head and pulling away. "Can't," she mumbled, looking around the room. "They all worked so hard decorating everything." Her eyes landed on something she hadn't noticed before--a copy of her ultrasound scan fitted lovingly in a pink frame. "Look," she continued, her voice growing wondering as she picked it up, and held it out to Derek. "They tried really hard to make this nice, so I have to go and eat, and do the whole happy mother-to-be thing." She wrinkled her nose, laughing self-consciously at her own words. "Mother-to-be," she repeated. "Sounds weird." Just as she grinned at Derek, the unmistakable sound of Izzie's voice called out from somewhere in the house.

"Meredith? Hurry up, we're all in the kitchen!"

"See?" said Meredith pointedly, reluctantly making her way out into the hallway with Derek. "We have to go do the thing."

The house seemed changed since her earlier disappearance into the den. All of the normal lights had been either dimmed or turned off completely, and the pink lights that had been strung up shined brighter as a result, illuminating the path with a warm rosy glow. Everything felt eerily silent; a sort of forced hush in the air. No sound emanated from beyond the closed door of the kitchen, but rather a tangible silence that seemed to build, and build, and build with their approaching footsteps.

"This is weird," murmured Meredith, her hand drifting like a ghost towards the doorknob and settling uncertainly. Derek just nodded, placing an arm around her.

"Yeah…"

They stared at each other for a moment, both full of suspicions, and Meredith wanting nothing more than to run back upstairs. "I guess I have to open the door," she said at last, endlessly reluctant.

Derek nodded once more, unsure of what to say. "I guess you do," he agreed quietly. And so, seeing no other choice, Meredith gulped down a deep steadying breath. She gave a sharp twist of her wrist and a push, watching in silence as the door swung slowly open.

-----

_So yeah, that was part one. I've to get up in under five hours and I'm already exhausted, so this is going to be a fairly short ramble for a change, without (pathetic attempts at) deep and thoughtful reflections. (Heh, cue the sounds of wild rejoicing.) Anyway, Izzie has a wild and crazy plan. Meredith's clearly not enjoying it so far. Nancy's starting to come around to the idea of Meredith although Jacqueline hasn't yet, and clearly isn't trying. Anyway, this was the introduction to the shower. Obviously more stuff comes in the next to parts, so, this would be me asking you to be please, patient. I promise we'll get to the drama and the confrontations with the Shepherds before it's all over. But now, I'm thisclose to using my keyboard as a pillow, so…that's it for tonight. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!_


	32. The Fear You Won't Fall

_Okay, so…part two of the party is finally ready. Sorry this took so long. I had lots and lots of problems trying to upload this, and kept getting error messages. So, many, many thanks to AriaAdagio (whose story everyone should read btw, because it's fabulous) for helping me figure out how to get this chapter up. And yeah, other than that, just thanks to everyone who's been reviewing. I really appreciate your feedback, and sorry to keep you hanging for so long as regards just what's behind that door!  
_

_-----  
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you  
Is the fear you won't fall  
It hasn't felt like this before  
It hasn't felt like home before you  
-----_

The door swung open with a shaky creak that moaned loudly through the silence. Meredith felt as if she were moving in slow motion; the door opening endlessly until suddenly, it just wasn't anymore, and she was staring straight ahead at a blinding blur of color. She staggered backwards slightly in shock, and a gasp escaped past her already parted lips. Her fingers managed to latch tightly onto Derek's arm just as the two of them were accosted by a swelling wave of sound, myriad voices crying out _Surprise!_ in unison. Meredith could only blink, feeling as if she were trapped in a daze as she took in the densely populated room. People were squeezed in everywhere, waving and beaming at her delightedly as a cacophony of eager voices accosted her ears with further greetings. An enormous pink cake sat on the very center of the kitchen table, right next to a tumultuous tower of presents so high that she feared the slightest nudge from a stray elbow would result in a potentially lethal avalanche of ribbons and bows.

"Um," she croaked out at last, realizing that all eyes were still on her. Her face flushed and she leaned into Derek, wanting desperately to back right out the door and disappear. "Wow," she managed after forcing herself to take a deep gulping breath, the hand that wasn't clutching at Derek coming to rest shakily over her belly. "Hi…everyone." Derek was frowning at the room, holding onto Meredith protectively; his blue eyes dark and annoyed as he took in both the crowd ogling his girlfriend, and her rather shaky reaction to her apparent surprise party.

"Surprise," repeated Izzie, fighting her way over to them. She was once again beaming madly, and oblivious to the glare Derek shot her. "What do you think, Mer?"

"It's, um… I think it's a lot, Iz," stammered Meredith weakly. "I think you invited half the hospital."

"Yeah well, people kept asking me if we were doing anything for you," said Izzie quickly, shrugging and smiling some more. "So, I thought why not have everyone at your shower! It's okay, right?"

"Yeah," mumbled Meredith faintly, trying to smile. "It's…you sure did bring everyone." She eyed the mob scene in her kitchen as Izzie nodded happily, taking her words as a compliment.

"I know," she gushed. "God, it was impossible smuggling them all in." She turned back around, raising her voice to address the crowd. "Okay people," she called. "There's a big buffet set up in the front room, so go and eat stuff, and we can do the presents in a few hours. And don't forget to say hi to Mer and McFetus!" She beamed at Meredith once more before hurrying away, caught up in her game of playing hostess. Her words seemed to create the equivalent of a dam that had suddenly been breached, and the previously immobile crowd suddenly morphed into a loud and moving entity. Meredith and Derek found themselves separated as a crowd of women immediately rushed her, cooing and gossiping about the baby. Stumbling backwards, she was soon pressed up against a cabinet as a good half a dozen hands reached out uninvited to press against her stomach. Meredith forced a smile on her face, doing her best to answer the sudden bombardment of questions about her due date, and whether the baby kicked a lot, and if she had thought of names yet. Time seemed to flow in painful miserable bursts as she silently urged herself to be a good sport, and not shove away the women who were offering her nothing but kindness and excitement over her baby. But she felt crowded and tired; almost as if she were drowning. Her lower back soon throbbed with a steady, persistent ache that was accompanied occasionally by sharp twinges that ran through her abdomen. Her answers to the women's questions degenerated into halfhearted sighs and nods of her head as her eyes continually scanned the room as best she could, searching desperately for Derek. She caught sight of him at last in the farthest corner, caught up in what looked like yet another heated argument with his mother. And so, with a sigh, Meredith gave up on the idea of him coming to her rescue just then. She turned back to the women that seemed to come in droves, tolerating the unfamiliar hands that kept stretching out to feel the baby through her belly, and biting back the urge to scream as she answered question after insipid question about her pregnancy and the looming prospect of giving birth. But finally, Meredith felt a presence at her side that was familiar, and she turned towards it, filling with relief when she found her best friend standing there.

"Touch her stomach again, and lose a hand," snapped Cristina as a young rather giggly scrub nurse they worked with reached out for a third time to touch Meredith's belly. "She needs to sit down," she continued as the nurse's hand fell back to her side, looking chastised and a little bit afraid. Without further explanation, Cristina took hold of Meredith, and extracted her from the crowd. She steered her wordlessly towards the relative open space by the buffet that had by then been fairly picked over. Meredith smiled her thanks before collapsing into a chair, giving a confused shake of her head as Cristina plopped down beside her.

"How the hell did Izzie manage this?" she muttered, warily regarding the swarms of people milling about her house. "This is insane. I mean, the last time my house had this many people was when I let her throw that party for her boyfriend, and…" Meredith laughed dryly, shaking her head again. "I really should've seen this coming."

Cristina shrugged, reaching over to grab a handful of chips from the buffet table. "You survived the last one, right?"

"Yeah, but last time I wasn't eight months pregnant. I was drunk off my ass, and it wasn't my party. I was perfectly free to go have sex in Derek's car." She giggled a little at the memory as Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Oh please, we heard you having your sex-a-thon this afternoon. And, if you really need to, corner Shepherd, and just drag him back upstairs and go at it again. He won't say no."

"No," moaned Meredith, shaking her head emphatically. "Not happening. I'm not risking his mother catching me naked. It was bad enough when Bailey caught us."

"Wait, seriously? That was the night she caught you guys?"

Meredith just groaned. "Yeah…naked, in his car. It was humiliating. I mean, my boss walks up, and finds me straddling her boss…"

"Shut up, shut up," hissed Cristina, glancing anxiously over her shoulder. Meredith fell silent just as Bailey reached the end of the buffet table--her plate full as she turned to face them.

"Congratulations, Meredith," she said not at all unkindly, politely refraining from mentioning the snippet of conversation she'd overheard.

"Ah, thank you Dr. Bailey," answered Meredith with a glance down at her lap, her cheeks crimson.

Bailey nodded, her voice growing characteristically sharp as she turned to face Cristina. "Yang, I expect to see you tomorrow morning for pre-rounds. On time."

"Right, of course, Dr. Bailey," agreed Cristina before casting a glance at Meredith. "What about Meredith?" she pressed, not wanting to be singled out as a source of possible lateness.

Bailey just quirked an eyebrow, hands coming down on her hips. "Grey?"

"Um," said Meredith quietly, toying with her hair. "I start at twelve tomorrow. My shift's twelve to four." She rolled her eyes at the four hour shift she'd been assigned, the subject still a sore one with her.

"Exactly," agreed Bailey, shooting her interns a stern look before disappearing into the crowd.

"She invited _Bailey_?" hissed Meredith once their boss was thoroughly out of earshot. Without waiting for a reply, she wrapped her arms tightly around her stomach, screwing her eyes shut as she slunk further down in her chair. Cristina felt a sharp twinge of guilt as she watched her friend reluctantly look up every time someone came over to congratulate her; she smiled and spoke politely enough, but the air surrounding her was altogether miserable and overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry," Cristina blurted out awkwardly as yet another group of well-wishers moved away. Meredith let her head loll to the side, tilting a little to look at her as she raised a single confused eyebrow. "None of us realized just how insane Izzie's plans were until we showed up today," she elaborated. "I would've stopped her if I knew it was this many."

Meredith just shook her head. "It's okay," she mumbled, the words a quiet lie. "She was being nice. Everyone's being nice, and it's, ah…nice."

Cristina rolled her eyes, but didn't push the subject, letting things fall back into some thin semblance of normalcy. Growing more relaxed, Meredith finally told her the events of the previous day, gaining some strength thanks to her friend's anger on her behalf. It served to increase her resolve a little, getting her through the next wave of people who came to spew their congratulations, questions, and unsolicited advice. But eventually, Burke joined Cristina, having been one of the many, many surprise guests. She sat with the couple for awhile, however, without Derek beside her, Meredith couldn't quite shake the feeling of being a third wheel. Finally, she forced herself to her feet, muttering something about using the bathroom.

She wandered aimlessly through the crowd on her way back, wishing she'd just stayed hidden in the peaceful solitude of the bathroom, and suddenly found herself standing face-to-face with Nancy and Addison. The two older women stood close together--as if just managing to resist the urge to cling to each other like children--seeming almost as overwhelmed by the cheerful mob as Meredith. The trio blinked at each other for a moment, until Addison gave Nancy a discreet nudge, prompting the brunette into an apologetic smile.

"Hi Meredith," she began awkwardly, wanting to apologize further, but as unaccustomed to it as her brother.

Meredith nodded, her hands moving to the small of her back as it once again began to ache. "Hey…"

Nancy glanced down at her shoes, then back at the pale young woman standing in front of her--the color having drained almost completely from her face--and found herself full of a sudden rush of pity and regret. "I know I said I was sorry earlier," she continued, the words finally ringing genuine and unstilted. "But, I really am, Meredith. I was so rude to you. I didn't know the whole story, and certainly didn't give either of you the chance to explain it." Meredith just nodded again. Her throat felt dry, and, as hard as she tried, she couldn't come up with anything to say in reply.

"Derek's other sisters are much nicer," volunteered Addison into the silence that followed, her voice teasing. "They sent you the worst one." Nancy laughed guiltily at that, and Meredith managed a small smile.

"Right," she breathed, turning to look at Addison. The redhead looked almost as uncomfortable as she had when she'd first arrived in the den; a quiet discomfort visible beneath the usual well-polished serenity of her features. "I, um…" Meredith shook her head, uncertain of how to apologize, or even what exactly she was supposed to apologize for, but unable to shake the feeling that she should. "Sorry," she said at last. "This has to be really weird with the whole…" She glanced unintentionally down at her protruding stomach, shrugging her shoulders. "I mean with Derek and I and the, ah…I'm just making it worse, aren't I?" Meredith trailed off awkwardly, grimacing as she flushed with embarrassment.

"I'm getting used to it," said Addison diplomatically enough before running a nervous hand through her hair, deciding to admit the truth. She spoke in a rush, "Actually…yeah. I was kind of hoping to disappear once Nancy stops freaking out about the fact that she really only knows two of the hundred people here." She looked over at the brunette, shooting her a pointed look.

"Addie," moaned Nancy, sounding suddenly anxious. Meredith just frowned, taken aback by the thought of Derek's sister ever feeling anything less than the overpowering self confidence she seemed to be continually radiating. "Come on, we said this would be fun…like, like being back in college!"

"Oh, get over yourself. I have surgery first thing in the morning. If you don't know how to mingle by now, I really can't help you."

Meredith shifted awkwardly back and forth on her steadily aching feet as the two women standing in front of her reverted to talking like old friends. She bit her lip as a twinge ran through her stomach, moving her hand to rub her side, and getting lost in her own worries. Time was drifting strangely again for her, but she glanced up in confusion when she heard Addison speak her name.

"Besides, Nancy, you're right here with Meredith. _She's_ Derek's girlfriend now. Get to know her already." She smiled at Meredith, looking relieved to have found herself an out. And, with a quick flurry of goodbyes, she left the two women staring at each other in astonishment as she disappeared in the direction of the front door.

"Umm…" Meredith's voice was tremulous in the thick silence that followed, and she stared at Nancy uncertainly; somehow feeling even more unbalanced than she had with Addison present. "This is…awkward."

"Yeah," agreed Nancy. She quirked an eyebrow at her brother's girlfriend, still unable to shake the urge to apologize. "Thanks for letting us come over, after yesterday, I mean."

Meredith just shrugged. "You're Derek's family," she said simply.

"Even so…"

"I don't want him to lose his family because of me," she said in a rush, feeling strangely defensive. "Besides, now he owes me," she continued dryly. "If Cristina ever goes after him with a chainsaw or whatever, I expect him to give her a chance to explain herself." Her words were met with a polite yet confused smile, prompting Meredith to shake her head. "Never mind," she amended before falling silent again. Her hands drifted from her stomach towards her lower back, and her gaze drifted down in the direction of the floor. She chewed nervously on her lip, letting the silence linger on as she studiously avoided Nancy's eyes.

Nancy frowned, fidgeting with her jewelry. "I hope my mother and I haven't wrecked everything," she admitted at last, her voice almost lost beneath the sounds of the party. Meredith looked up, raising an eyebrow but still saying nothing, and the other woman moved to elaborate. "That I can still get a chance to know you. I know Derek would like us to…" She paused, and corrected herself with an apologetic smile. "_I_ would like to get to know you, Meredith."

Meredith hesitated--part of her still wanting very much to just disappear from sight--but finally nodded her head. "Okay," she agreed quietly. "I guess that would be okay."

"Good," said Nancy hastily, clearly relieved. "Good." But as her voice faded away, the women fell back into silence. Meredith sighed tiredly as she once again shifted positions, trying to ease the ache that was filling her.

"Sorry, I, ah…don't know what to say," she admitted at last, her hands returning to the faithful distraction of fidgeting with her watch.

Nancy frowned for the briefest of moments, the expression suddenly replaced with a mischievous grin as if the proverbial light bulb had just gone off over her head. "Well, I'm Derek's sister…known him his whole life. I can tell you just about _anything_ you ever wanted to know about him." She paused, and her voice morphed from the teasing pitch of an older sister into something gentler and more serious. "And, I'm an OB who's had three babies of her own. They're not so much babies anymore as two messy kids and one very sullen teenager, but…if you have any questions…"

Meredith laughed and nodded her head, feeling something within her finally start to relax. "I'm guessing just how bad is it going to hurt is a stupid place to start," she said, and with that she somehow found herself falling easily into conversation with Nancy. Time passed quickly, and it was no longer a struggle to force herself to speak. Questions flowed easily from her lips, and she found herself learning several embarrassing stories about Derek in the process. Nancy proved to be surprisingly protective of her as well, sheltering her from the jostling crowd of people almost as much as Derek would. But at last, her longing to see him grew sharper and sharper. Meredith frowned as she scanned the room--her gaze often blocked by people who towered above her--swearing to herself that she could hear something distant and angry that she thought could be the sound of Derek caught up in an argument. Intercepting her searching gaze, Nancy frowned down at her curiously.

"What is it, Meredith?"

"Nothing…"

"What?" insisted Nancy. "Do you need to sit down?" She shook her head at herself, adding, "I'm horrible. I can't believe I've kept you standing this whole time."

But Meredith shook her head as well. "No, I… I was just looking for Derek," she admitted sheepishly.

As if her words had been a command, Nancy turned immediately to scan the crowd. She was helped not only by her natural height but by the sharp spokes of her heels, seeing easily over heads and shoulders where Meredith could not. Within a few minutes, she caught sight of Derek making his way down the stairs, and waved him over with a long sweep of her arm. Everything about him seemed frustrated and exhausted, but he managed a smile as he locked eyes with Meredith from across the room.

"The two of you together," he stated, his voice teasing yet tired as he finally made it over to them, looping an arm around his girlfriend, and pulling her to his side. "Should I be worried?" The only reply he got was a series of smirks and shrugs as Meredith twisted around to smile at him. "Okay…" he grinned, unable to miss the glint in her eyes. "_Now_ I'm worried."

"Mmm…" she murmured lightly, leaning back against Derek. She closed her eyes, her guard slowly falling down in his presence to reveal just how exhausted she was.

"How'd it go?" asked Nancy, tilting her head towards the second floor, and the conversation she instinctively knew had taken place there between him and their mother.

Derek groaned, rubbing at his face with the hand that wasn't holding up Meredith. "Hellish," he muttered.

"She'll come around," said Nancy sadly, sympathetically, before her gaze drifted down to Meredith's tired form; the intern seemed suddenly very young, clinging to Derek as if, without him, she was in danger of simply keeling over. She shot her brother a concerned look, and he glanced down at Meredith as well, finally realizing just how much of her weight he was supporting himself.

"Mer?" he tried, pressing a hand to her cheek. She sighed and straightened up at his touch, but her hands moved instantly to the small of her back, her head bowing forward. "Hey, are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, umm…maybe we could sit down for awhile?" she asked, her voice coming out small and hopeful.

"Of course, we'll sit down right now," he said, instantly scanning the kitchen for chairs, and finding the room curiously devoid of them; all having been relocated elsewhere to create more floor space for the guests that had crowded in at the party's start.

"Maybe try in there?" suggested Nancy, pointing to the small door that stood ajar at the far end of the kitchen. It led clearly to a pantry that, while not offering any chairs, did have what appeared to be a bench that hadn't yet been claimed by one of the guests. She shrugged her shoulders before slipping quietly away, sensing her brother's desire to be alone with Meredith for a little while.

Meredith moved almost as if she were in a daze, letting Derek usher her across the crowded kitchen and into the small and mostly bare pantry. "There you go. Sit," he ordered gently, forcing her down onto the small empty shelf that served as a bench, kneeling worriedly in front of her. He ran his hands though her hair and down over her shoulders, letting them finally come to settle against her stomach. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice rich with worry as he stared up into her eyes. "I didn't mean to leave you like that. It's just, my mother…" He paused and shook his head angrily, but Meredith shrugged, already feeling significantly better now that she was sitting down, and away from the loud swarm of people that were laughing and talking just outside the pantry.

"It's okay," she reassured him with a small smile. "Your sister was nice. She even told me some stories." She smirked at that, giggling and shimmying her shoulders back and forth, her eyes suddenly bright and teasing.

"What?" asked Derek, his voice cracking. "What stories?"

"Oh, just…stories," she answered airily, giving away nothing. She smiled again, feeling truly happy for the first time since she'd come downstairs. "You know, this is almost like hiding out in the closet after all," she teased, earning a matching grin from Derek as he nodded his head. But he seemed to be lacking his usual levity, and a frown flickered across her face. She reached out worriedly, laying a hand against his cheek as she contemplated the tired air that hung palpably around him. "How was talking to your mother?" she asked, her voice gentle.

He groaned, his eyes once again dark. "She's exhausting."

"Yeah…I know the feeling." Derek smiled wryly at her, a bitter burst of laughter escaping as he nodded his head in agreement. "I'm sorry," continued Meredith, tracing the little lines around his eyes with her fingertips. Derek looked up quizzically. "I know you're fighting with her because of me," she continued. "And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make everything so…" But he just shook his head, silencing her.

"I thought we went over this already, Mer," he said sternly, his frustration with the whole situation seeping into his voice. "You don't apologize for this. You don't feel guilty. She's creating the problem here, _not_ you." Meredith nodded, looking almost devastated thanks to her lingering traces of exhaustion, and so Derek smiled apologetically, steering the subject back to something a little less intense. "How're my two favorite ladies holding up?" he asked with a glance down at her belly and then up at her. "Feeling any better now? I know this is a lot."

Meredith shrugged, letting out a tired sigh that careened into a yawn. "The baby's restless," she muttered as she pressed the back of her hand to her forehead. "This is…this is insane, Derek. This is everyone we work with squeezed into my kitchen."

"I know," said Derek tersely, his eyes apprehensive as he watched her. "I'm not exactly happy with Stevens for pulling this." Meredith just shook her head, shrugging again.

"People like babies." She let her head fall back to rest against the wall behind her, her eyelids fluttering shut. "It's okay. I can make it to the presents easily enough. It's just…I've had more people touch my freaking stomach tonight than in the entire past eight months. I swear I'm this close to slapping the next person who tries it." Looking down, Derek removed his hands from where they rested over her belly as quickly as if he'd been burned, prompting Meredith's eyes to snap open.

"Don't be stupid," she said sharply.

"What?"

"What?" she echoed. "Seriously? You say _what_?" Frowning at him, she reached out and caught his wrists, placing his hands firmly back on her stomach.

"Oh…" Derek laughed, nodding his head in realization as he smirked proudly. "Right. I'm the exception to the 'I hate people touching my stomach' rule."

"You think?" snapped Meredith, grinning back at him. "And stop looking so smug. It's your baby, of course you get to touch the bump." But Derek just smirked some more, his blue eyes glinting teasingly at her as he let his lips curl with a touch of arrogance. "Seriously Derek, stop smirking."

He tilted his head to the side, enjoying her reaction. "Or what, Dr. Grey?" he asked challengingly. "What're you gonna do about it?" Meredith just shook her head, reaching out a hand to let her fingertips trail slowly across his lips. Without a word, she braced herself on his shoulders and dipped forward as much as she could, kissing him hard and deep, her tongue plunging into his mouth.

"That," she giggled as she finally pulled away, leaving him breathless, all traces of the smirk gone.

Derek chuckled appreciatively as he stared up at her from his knees, shaking his head in amazement. "God, I love you Mer," he said throatily.

"I love you too," she said, her voice gentle and melodic as she smiled slightly at him, looking rather pleased with herself for a change.

And as Derek stared up at her while their laughter faded away, he found himself unable to see anything save Meredith; nothing existed beyond the golden tumble of her hair cascading over her shoulders towards him, the shimmering yet sharp light that seemed to flicker endlessly behind the green veil of her eyes, the way that--in that moment--he swore she sat glowing in front of him like something angelic. Nothing existed beyond her. And as he stared, a piece of himself that had been misaligned for years shifted and fell finally into place. It was as if he were caught up in one perfect second that spiraled out into forever to fill his heart; something that defied logic to become endless as he took a deep breath devoid of oxygen, and found his whole world caught up in one tiny woman. He shook his head to clear the haze that seemed to be surrounding them and holding them immobile, but found it would not dissipate. Instead, words he'd thought of saying before--but certainly hadn't planned on saying then--came falling sudden and unbidden from his lips.

"Marry me."

Meredith just blinked, dark eyelashes tracing shadows over her cheeks as she stared at him wordlessly. Her lips were parted slightly in a perfect portrayal of surprise, the sentiment mirrored in the high arches of her raised eyebrows. "What?" she stammered out at last, speaking quietly, incredulously. "Because of the baby?" she asked, her old fear rushing back despite everything they'd been through--visions of her own shattered childhood flashing like a flipbook through her mind.

"No," said Derek softly, his hand finding hers. "No. Because of us. Because I love you." He smiled hopefully up at her, the words that had surprised him almost as much as her seeming to grow more and more right as he continued speaking. "Because I don't know how to be happy without you, and I don't want to have to find out. Because everything I ever thought I lost, I somehow find in you. Because you're how I breathe, and I… I want us to have forever." Derek shook his head again, and found himself staring straight up into her eyes, his whole life suddenly seeming to hang on her answer. "Please…marry me, Mer?"

Swallowing hard, Meredith struggled to see through the tears that had started to pool in front of her eyes. Derek was offering her everything the child she'd once been had dreamed of, and which life had stomped thoroughly out of her. She had learned not to believe in marriage and happily ever after. She didn't trust forever. Her life had seen the steady disintegration of those dreams until they were nothing more than ashes and dust and fragments of forgotten hopes. She didn't know how to believe, but she was even less sure of how to say no. The bench beneath her was sturdy, and yet she felt as if she were falling headlong into the piercing blue of Derek's eyes. He knew fear as he waited, but Meredith knew a rush of things; disbelief, uncertainty, old and faded losses, and finally, hope. Something within her that she had carefully locked up and learned to ignore came pushing forth steadily like a shoot passing through the soil to spring finally into life. After years of telling herself that she knew better, Meredith finally found herself _wanting_ to believe again. Slowly, she opened her mouth to answer, only to find herself still wordless. That dark part of her that had thrived for so long was terrified and resolutely stubborn, and she stared down at Derek helplessly, trying to speak. The moment lingered on into uncertainty until at last she felt a familiar movement deep within her womb--his child stirring inside of her--and she found her voice.

"Okay." Meredith's face split into a sudden smile, and she nodded her head as a single tear spilled over to cut a shimmering path down the length of her cheek. "I will, I… Yes." She laughed then, feeling only happiness as she reached out and grasped his face in her hands. "_Yes._"

Derek looked up at her, his smile equaling hers. "Yes?" he echoed, almost not daring to believe his ears. But the word came again--sweet and beautiful and altogether perfect.

"Yes," repeated Meredith, and she started crying freely as she laughed. "I'll marry you, Derek Shepherd."

"Oh thank god," he blurted out in a rush of relief, rising up a little further to pull her mouth down to his. Everything dissolved into a series of messy, messy kisses, streaked with Meredith's tears and the sound of her laughing in amazement into his mouth. He let his hands twine through her hair, the golden strands looping thickly around his fingers as he pressed his lips to hers over and over and over. For a moment, everything was perfect; there was no world existing beyond the doorway. There was only him and Meredith and the possibility of forever suddenly blossoming into something tangible as she pulled back, settling against the wall, and smiling down at him.

"We're going to get married…" She spoke slowly as if testing out the idea.

"We are," he agreed.

"Married…" Meredith shook her head, laughing again. "Wow." Her hand drifted to his hair, brushing away a curl that had fallen forward over his brow, winding it around her finger. Slowly, Derek reached up and pulled her hand down, flattening her palm between his. He traced the slender lengths of her fingers, his expression suddenly growing troubled.

"I don't…have a ring," he admitted quietly, mentally berating himself for not proposing properly.

Meredith shrugged, still smiling. "I don't need a ring."

"Yeah, you do. I want to get you one. I just--" He trailed off, his face flushing as his thumb ran over her fourth finger as if to mark where the ring should be.

"You just what, Derek?" she asked gently, surprised to hear him sounding so unsure of himself.

He laughed nervously, shaking his head. "I just didn't do a great job planning this, I guess."

"Hey…" Meredith leaned forward so that her forehead rested against the top of his head, her hair tumbling forward as if to curtain them from view. "Stop that. I didn't need a big thing," she murmured. "This was perfect." She dragged his mouth back to hers, kissing him slowly, savoring the way his lips fit flawlessly around hers. When she straightened up, it was to cock an eyebrow at him, her voice suddenly full of laughter again. "Besides, when have you and I ever planned anything?"

Derek grinned at her, the smile that followed her words full of relief. "Good point," he said, bowing his head to kiss her stomach. "But…I do want to get you a ring, okay?"

"Okay." Meredith nodded, but suddenly wrinkled her nose. "Nothing tacky, though."

"You sure?" he asked, feigning disappointment. "Tacky was gonna be my main goal." She laughed, swatting at his shoulder. After a moment, his expression grew serious again and he asked, "Do you want to pick it out with me, or should…"

"I want you to pick it out," interrupted Meredith earnestly as she laced her hands with his again.

He smiled at her. "Okay."

"You can ask Cristina if you're feeling completely clueless," she added with an impish grin. "She'd know… Wow, I have to tell her." Meredith laughed again, her words rushed and excited. Derek just stared up at her in amazement, not used to seeing her as such a blur of laughter and tears and happiness, but already growing rather fond of the sight.

"You do," he agreed.

"Yeah…"

Meredith sighed, her smile softening and slowly fading away. She lifted her hand again to trace down his cheek and along the curve of his jawbone, her eyes growing quietly wondering as they filled afresh with tears.

"Mer?"

She sniffled, shaking her head.

"Mer, what is it?" he pressed.

"It's stupid," she said huffily, growing irritated at the increasing insistency of her tears. She swiped at them with the back of her hand. "It's just the hormones or whatever." But Derek kept looking earnestly up at her, the light of his blue eyes steady and expectant, wordlessly urging her to continue. Finally, she heaved a reluctant sigh before muttering, "You're here."

He just cocked an eyebrow at that. "Of course I'm here." _  
_  
"No," said Meredith as she shook her head. "That's not what I mean. It's… This party is a complete disaster, and I kind of want to kill Izzie, but…you're here. You're here and we're engaged and…." She trailed off into more disbelieving laughter, the sounds mingling strangely with sobs. Derek opened his mouth to speak, but her fingers moved instantly to his lips--silencing him. She forced down a gulp of air, continuing on in a quiet murmur, admitting, "I just… I didn't think you'd be here. When I first found out I was pregnant, I never thought that…" Meredith shook her head again as if fighting with herself to keep from dissolving into something sobbing and senseless. "Seriously, I took that stupid test three times I didn't want it to be true. I thought, you know…that I'd be doing it alone, I guess. I never thought that we'd get here. That we'd be having a baby shower, and be together, and..." She looked down at Derek in embarrassment, surprised to find the corners of his eyes glistening with tears. Sighing shakily, she added, "And I'm just-- I'm glad you're here, Derek."

Derek raised a hand slowly to her cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing at the thick droplets that rolled freely there. "I'm glad I'm here too," he said quietly, his voice a hoarse whisper that throbbed with emotion. There wasn't enough room on the small bench to sit beside her, but he scooted forward--unmindful of the rough floor of the pantry--enveloping her in his arms as she fell forward to rest against him.

Finally, Meredith sniffled again and straightened up, drained of tears. She took a deep breath, shooting Derek a warning look. "If you ever tell anyone how much I've cried in the past twenty-four hours, you will not be having sex for a very, very long time."

He just chuckled, nodding his head. "My lips are sealed."

-----

Jacqueline stood alone in the middle of the crowded kitchen, her slender arms wrapped close about her. She was not used to feeling so unseated; almost as if she'd been transplanted to the other side of the world, not just of the country. Everything about the house she was in was at odds with her lifestyle back in Manhattan, the change so severe that she swore she felt it in her bones. It wasn't that it was truly an unpleasant shift. There was a lively warmth to the atmosphere surrounding her that she couldn't deny. Everything was full of color and laughter and traces of reckless jubilance; hinting at the fact that many of the people surrounding her were still firmly entrapped in their youth. If she squinted just so, and wiped her mind blank of the events of the day before, she could almost call the whole thing infectious. The tall blonde who'd organized everything--while admittedly rather strange and high-strung--played hostess with a sort of wild enthusiasm that was altogether fascinating to watch. And the guests seemed decent enough as well. Not that she thought much of their clothing, but she supposed that that was a whole other story.

Still, despite the jarring liveliness of her surroundings, Jacqueline Shepherd was not having a good time. Her daughter had been distant with her since lunchtime, and was currently avoiding her completely, hidden somewhere in the sea of people. Addison, who she'd secretly hoped to rope in as an ally against the home wrecker that was Meredith Grey, had had nothing but polite things to say about the other women, and was currently nowhere to be found as well. She had managed to get some time alone to talk to her son, but that conversation had quickly dissolved into him berating her for sending Meredith Grey into hysterics the day before. And then, there was the problem of Meredith Grey herself. Jacqueline was trying to like her. Well, not exactly, but…she was entertaining the possibility of maybe trying to like her at some point in the future. It was just that--without even the slightest bit of effort--her mind managed to drum up a laundry list of flaws about the young woman. First of all, there was the home wrecking, which she hated. She had no idea how to begin getting past that one, but she supposed that if both Derek and Addison seemed fine with the idea of their home having been wrecked, she didn't have much to go on. It had been their marriage after all, not hers. Still…it certainly didn't win Meredith any points in her favor. And then, the girl was sleeping with her boss. That thought alone sent a thousand synonyms for slutty running through Jacqueline's brain. If she was going to be fair and logical about things, Derek was probably as much to blame for that as Meredith, but…he was her son. That was a good a reason as any to disregard fairness and logic. And, as if that weren't enough, there simply was nothing fascinating about Meredith Grey. Nothing catching. Nothing that could explain why her son suddenly claimed to love her more than life itself. At best, the girl was shy and timid. She obviously was intelligent, but there was something about her that just seemed weak--as if she were either unable or unwilling to defend herself. She didn't seem like a match for her son, but rather his inferior who could offer nothing in personality to make up for the fact that she was the sort of woman who destroyed marriages.

And yet, Derek defended her as if she were something rare and wonderful. His voice took on a tone that Jacqueline didn't recognize at all; something almost reverent. The contradictions sent her mind spinning wildly in confusion, and as she drifted aimlessly through the kitchen contemplating the couple, her gaze suddenly alighted on them.

They were located clear across the room, separated off in a small pantry. The door stood open, the molding like a picture frame around them, capturing their bowed forms in a portrait of happiness. Jacqueline had never watched them together unawares before, and she suddenly found herself unable to look away. There was something hypnotic about the sight of them together, ensconced in their own private world. The curve of Meredith's lips spoke of hope and happiness and love, and there was an endearing gentleness to her that Jacqueline had missed before. Letting her eyes drift down to her son, she found him on his knees. One hand lay over the large swollen weight of Meredith's stomach while the other stretched up idly towards her hair. His gaze never drifted from her face, but stayed fixed there like a star pulled into orbit. The look in his eyes was one Jacqueline had hoped to see from her son for years; a mingling of love and devotion that, if she were completely honest with herself, had always been a little bit lacking in his marriage. It wasn't that she doubted that Derek loved Addison, or _had_ loved her…she supposed. But the way he was staring at Meredith was something else entirely. The man looked as if he'd just promised to fetch her the moon, and fully intended on keeping his word.

It took Jacqueline's breath away to see her son so happy, and she fiddled with her rings as she watched the couple interact, idly drifting closer towards them. Confusion filled her. It started in her chest as a sharp pang laced with guilt, but soon mellowed out to drift through her mind as an annoyingly persistent little thought. Jacqueline Shepherd was a woman prided herself on never being wrong, but, staring at them planted an inkling of doubt deep in her mind; a seed of possibility that maybe, this one time, she was. She shuffled a few steps closer, flirting with the idea of at least apologizing to Derek. She was deeply disappointed in him, but…he was her son. And as Jacqueline stared, trying to reconcile her medley of emotions over his divorce, her need to not lose her son, and the bafflingly intense way Meredith and Derek looked at each other, her mind finally drummed up an idea that she could accept. It seemed to be a missing puzzle piece of sorts, perfectly explaining everything that was going on: this was a rebound.

That had to be it. It would explain the enraptured looks, the intensity. She frowned to herself, nodding her head. After eleven years of marriage, who wouldn't mistake the sharp excitement of a new attraction for more than it was? Derek's heart had to have been tightly coiled by everything that had happened, and she only had to wait out the rebound--the wild, whiplash rebellion against good sense--to get her son back. This thing wouldn't last; it was too bright, too all-consuming to do anything other than burn out fast. And when it did, things could start to fall back towards normal again. All Jacqueline had to do was tolerate the idea of Meredith Grey until that happened, and perhaps speed the inevitable along if she could.

Having finally settled on a plan, she squared her shoulders. A vague scent of desperation seemed to hang around the whole thing, but she blotted the unwelcome odor out, studiously ignoring the tiny whisper in the back of her mind. It didn't feel quite like the truth, but it would have to do. It was something to hold on to. She took a few steps forward--intent on speaking to Derek again--when a hand reached out and caught her roughly by the elbow.

"Don't even think about it," said a female voice. The woman spoke quietly, but the words pulsed with something bitter and angry. As Jacqueline turned to see who had her arm in a death grip, she found herself staring down at a slight woman with wild black curls, and instantly filled with recognition. She'd met the woman earlier, in the den before the party had started. Cristina…she thought her name was. One of Meredith's friends.

"Excuse me?" asked Jacqueline stiffly, moving to pull her arm away. Cristina just gripped her that much tighter.

She scoffed bitterly, "You heard me. You're not going in there."

"I never said I was going--" began Jacqueline, denying her intentions of disrupting the couple. However, her words trailed off before they'd barely even started. Cristina was staring at her scathingly, seeming to effortlessly understand that she was lying. Clearing her throat, Jacqueline stood up a little straighter as she changed tactics. In a curt voice, she asked, "Why not?"

Cristina let out a strange bitter peal of laughter. It was almost triumphant, as if she'd been hoping for just such an opportunity. "Because," she said with a shrug, "Meredith doesn't like people." Her eyes raked disapprovingly down the length of Jacqueline's body, her lip curling slightly into something resembling a sneer. "And she certainly doesn't like you. Her party's nothing but a mob scene, and she's forced to pretend she's happy about it because she's Meredith, and she has this thing going on where she likes to suffer rather than speak up and possibly hurt her friends' feelings."

"That's…" tried Jacqueline, sighing in irritation.

"Oh, I'm not done," snapped Cristina. She crossed her arms over her chest, shifting so she stood between Jacqueline and the pathway to the pantry. "You," she quirked an eyebrow, eyes flashing, "You have been nothing but a bitch to her, and have plans to do nothing but continue being one." Jacqueline started to stutter out an indignant defense, but Cristina just shook her head and plowed on, speaking derisively, "Please, don't be Satan _and_ a liar. I know you'd love nothing more than to go rip them apart right now, but you can't. Whether you want to admit it or not, they're going to be a family, and they need this. They both do."

"But he's my son," said Jacqueline huffily. "I'm his _mother_."

Cristina snorted. "He's a grown man, and frankly, I don't care who the hell you are. You're not going in there." She glanced over her shoulder at Meredith--finding her with her head bent towards Derek, their foreheads touching--and her eyes flashed with a fierce sort of loyalty. "You're not wrecking this for her. Not now."

"Meredith invited me!" The words came out in a defensive splutter, Jacqueline's usual certainty faltering in front of the strange angry woman staring challengingly up at her. "She wants me here."

"No," said Cristina, looking at Jacqueline incredulously. "She doesn't want you here. She wants nothing to do with you. The only reason you're here is because there isn't anything Meredith wouldn't do for Derek, which should give you an idea of just how much she loves your son." She crossed her arms over her chest, her voice growing brisk in anger. "And if you were a decent sort of person, you'd be happy he found someone who puts his happiness so consistently above her own."

Jacqueline's chin jutted out, her blue eyes sparking. "He had that," she said stubbornly. "He had that before her. He had a marriage."

"Right…" laughed Cristina, the word coming out mingled with a bitter peal of disbelieving laughter. "And that worked out real well for him." She paused, her voice taking on an overly sweet, mocking tone. "Nothing says 'Honey, I want you to be happy' quite like screwing your best friend."

Jacqueline just glared at her. "This is ridiculous," she huffed, straightening her jacket, and moving to sidestep Cristina.

Cristina simply moved right back in front of her. "You're _not_ going in there," she reiterated, her voice gaining a harsh solemnity, something low and foreboding.

Jacqueline stiffened visibly, falling back a step. She started to move away, apparently deterred at last. However, halfway to leaving, she froze and turned slowly back around. Cristina stood just as she had been, arms crossed over her chest like some sort of wild and angry-haired sentry.

Jacqueline arched an eyebrow high into a single expressive arc; amazement and frustration mingling plainly on her brow. "Just who do you think you are?"

Cristina glanced over her shoulder at Meredith's oblivious form--still happily ensnared in a tiny perfect world that held only herself and Derek--before turning back to lock eyes once more with the other woman.

"I'm her person," she said simply, ignoring Jacqueline's obvious confusion.

She spoke the words as if they were answer enough. And they were.

_-----_

_So yeah, that was part two. I think I may ramble a lot…because it's not insane o'clock yet, so I'm not falling asleep as I type. And well, I do enjoy rambling. Anyways, Mer first I guess. So this chapter is almost all her. Because it's her party. And it's really not the sort of thing that she wants at all. It's very much what Izzie would like, and the whole surprise party that Izzie threw for her was, in a way, rather selfish. (What…Izzie? Selfish? Why, I never…) But yeah, Mer is just trying to go along with it because Izzie did tell her about her daughter, and she gets that a lot of this is probably related to what Izzie felt she missed when she was sixteen. Besides, everyone is really excited and happy for her, and she almost feels guilty for not really being able to get into the whole thing. So yeah, the party? Very overwhelming and exhausting for Mer. She's uncomfortable. She's in pain. She just wants to hide, and have the whole thing be over already. However, it does give her time to talk to Nancy a little bit. And…they don't hate each other. They definitely started out on the wrong foot thanks to Nancy, but…they're making progress._

_And Cristina did a lot of rescuing Mer this chapter, first with the crowd of people overtaking Mer at the start of the party, and then, without her knowing, from Jacqueline. She's guilty over just how crazy the party ended up being, and well, Mer's her person. Seriously. And she really has come around to the idea of Mer/Der despite tending to grumble about/tease them. She just doesn't want to endorse them too mushily to their faces, but she can do it to Jacqueline. And well, Jacqueline is not so nice, to put it mildly. However, she starts to get it when she's sort of spying on Mer/Der in the pantry. Basically, she sees him proposing to her, and, in that moment, you'd pretty much have to be blind to miss how in love they are. She starts to get it, that Derek's happy, that maybe, just maybe, she's been wrong about this whole thing. However, she doesn't want to be wrong, and she switches into the defensive. She doesn't know she saw them getting engaged, and so she's able to decide that the looks she saw aren't this huge love, but rather this intense, heated fling that's happening because Derek's finally free from his marriage. She's thinking it's something that's going to just blow over exactly while they're promising each other that they'll be together forever. And well, she doesn't quite believe her theory herself because she saw how they were, and that image is still very much in her mind. But, for now, she's clinging to the idea._

_And yeah, Mer/Der. He…asked her to marry him. However, he didn't mean to. Had no ring. Definitely wasn't planning it. Derek just looked up at her, and the words sort of came pouring out. At first, he's almost as shocked as her. And at first, they're both terrified by what he's just asked, but, by the time Mer says yes, it's become exactly what they both want. And well, they're happy. They're about to have a baby, they're engaged. For once, they're not the problem in each other's lives. They're the good thing._

_So yes…coming up, part three of the party, in which there are many, many presents to be opened. And things that need to be said are finally said. And yes, lots of drama. But anyways, that's about it for now. Thanks so much for reading!  
_


	33. I Fought The Angels

_Okay_, _so…this took forever. I haven't abandoned the story, but I have had to work much, much more than normal lately. So, I've had a lot less time to write. Anyway, my apologies for that. And thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I'm really glad you guys liked what happened, I was so nervous about writing him proposing. But yeah, this is super late in coming, so lets just go straight to the story!_

_-----  
Run conversations in my head  
Write my own scripts to dish the dread   
And if I speak out loud  
I will have to change the rules  
----- _

When Meredith and Derek finally emerged from the pantry, the party was every bit as loud as it had been before. People milled about laughing and talking and occasionally tripping over the many strands of pink lights that ran crisscrossed throughout the rooms. It was loud and bright and just as potentially overwhelming as before. However, Meredith found she didn't mind. For once, she was just holding Derek's hand, not clutching it in a death grip. Breathing in deeply, she glanced up at him, her face brightening into a smile as their eyes met.

"Guess what?" she asked.

Derek cocked his head to the side curiously, staring down at her, "What?"

"I don't even mind the insanity anymore," she said proudly. "I mean, it's still crowded, but…I'm not freaking out." She grinned up at him, and, for a moment, his smile matched hers, but it promptly fell away, darkened by a shadow of a frown.

"You're sure?" he asked.

Meredith nodded, still beaming at him.

"Because…" Derek suggested, his voice hopeful. "We could go back in the pantry if you're not."

She shrugged, "No… I'm good. The pantry really wasn't all that comfortable."

"You're sure?" he repeated. "Because, we could even go upstairs. There are beds there," he winked, leering down at her, "and I've heard they're very comfortable."

Meredith folded her arms over her chest, her expression growing instantly skeptical.

"Derek…"

"If you need to," he amended hastily. He dropped his hands to her stomach, adding, "You know, for the baby," even as the heavy-lidded look to his eyes strongly hinted at a different reason.

"Derek Shepherd," she quirked an eyebrow, "what is up with you?" Lowering her voice slightly, she twisted around in his arms to face him. "And it better not be you trying to use your daughter as an excuse to go get laid."

Derek's eyebrows shot straight up, his mouth parted slightly in shock as a guilty look flashed across his face. However, in the next instant, he slid effortlessly into a grin that only hinted ever so slightly at the fact that he was up to something. "I am shocked, Dr. Grey," he teased, kissing her neck haphazardly as he walked her backwards through the room, mindless of the people around them. "Shocked that you think I could be guilty of something so vile, so base as--"

"Oh shut up," she laughed, moving to kiss him as her back met the wall and he leaned forward, bracing himself with an arm on either side of her. Derek dipped his head down towards hers, their lips pressing hard together as she reached up and let her fingers slide through the curls of his hair, holding him closer.

"We're engaged…" He mumbled into her mouth just as they started to pull apart, his voice a low hoarse whisper that warmed her from the inside.

"We are," she agreed quietly, still filling with wonder at the mere sound of the words. She ran her tongue slowly along the curve of her lower lip, lost in thought until she glanced up again and met Derek's eyes. "What?" she asked innocently, laughing at his expression.

"I think," he began, keeping his voice carefully casual, "that once you get engaged, you're supposed to go have sex right away."

Meredith raised an eyebrow, her lips twitching at the corners as she stifled a laugh. "Oh really?"

Derek nodded seriously, bending down to kiss her again. "Really," he agreed. "It's, ah…" he paused, his mouth dragging over hers, "…a rule."

"A rule?" she murmured back before catching his lower lip between her teeth, and pulling a groan from him. She tilted her head to the side, letting his lip slip from her clutches as she grinned, speaking pertly, "Well, you would know." He just chuckled low in his throat, shaking his head at her.

"In that case," he said, closing the gap between them, pressing a fleeting kiss to the tip of her nose. "You should definitely listen to me." Scooting even closer still, until her belly was pressed firmly against him, Derek allowed a cluster of people to weave past, ignoring the curious looks the two of them were earning as they stood pinned to the wall. Instead, he focused on trailing kisses down the length of Meredith's jaw line until he finally reached her lips once more. "We need to--" he continued, punctuating his words with kisses, "preserve the… moment, or… something like… that."

Meredith just giggled into his mouth and pulled back, the pale green of her eyes sparking mischievously. "Preserve the moment?" she echoed. "You're starting to sound like a woman."

He shot her a wounded indignant look. "I am not."

"Hmmm…right," she smiled blithely. "Whatever you say."

"And if I say we should go upstairs?" he tried.

Meredith's smile blossomed into a grin, and she shook her head disbelievingly. "You want us to have celebration sex right now? Seriously?"

Derek shrugged. "Just throwing out an idea."

"Right…and what made you think that this could possibly be a good idea?"

"Well," he began slowly, his mouth curling invitingly as he smirked at her. "Did I mention that the idea included sex with you?"

She flushed and bit her lip, staring up at him almost adoringly for a moment before remembering just where they were. She promptly backed away, rolling her eyes as she hissed, "Your mother is here. Your mother _and _a hundred other people." Derek opened his mouth to protest, but she just shook her head. "I don't like random people walking in on me naked, and you know _someone _would walk in. We can celebrate later." She raised up on her toes, pressing her lips lightly against his. "Okay?"

"Okay," he agreed, his voice tinged with reluctance. He shifted his weight to envelop Meredith in his arms again, unwilling to do anything other than hold her and touch her and marvel at the fact that she had somehow agreed to be his wife.

"Cristina…" she mumbled suddenly, the word spilling from her lips as he moved in to kiss her.

Derek pulled back slightly, frowning as he raised an eyebrow, correcting, "…Derek."

Meredith just rolled her eyes. "No, I have to tell Cristina," she said eagerly, back to grinning again. "Where is she? She's going to--" She trailed off, a sudden pained look crossing her face. "Oh god…" she muttered to herself.

"What?"

"She's gonna start calling me the She-Shepherd."

"The She-Shepherd?" echoed Derek, looking amused.

"Yeah…" Meredith shrugged, wrinkling her nose at the thought. "It's what we used to call Addison."

"Seriously?"

She nodded, already twisting about to look for her friend. "At least on good days," she said absently.

"And on bad days?" he questioned, growing intrigued.

"Oh, you know…Satan, Satan's Whore," Meredith rattled off, not really paying attention as she continued to scan the crowd for Cristina. "Stuff like--" she stopped short, her mind seeming to just then catch up with her mouth as she whirled back around to face Derek. "Oh god…don't tell her that," she blurted out, her eyes wide and worried. "I don't need her to have _more _reasons to hate me."

"Mer," said Derek gently, brushing the back of his hand against her cheek. "Addison doesn't hate you."

"Yeah, I know, but…" Meredith shrugged, the green of her eyes tinged with guilt as she chewed on her lower lip. "She might if she knew, and she's been so nice lately." Her voice turned into a moan, and she shook her head. "We were all really rather rude and horrible. It's embarrassing." She glanced up at Derek, who simply looked amused, and crossed her arms over her stomach. "What is so funny?" she snapped.

He shrugged, eyes full of laughter.

"Derek, this is not funny," she groaned, her mood shifting towards irritated. "I can't believe I told you."

"Mer," he said paiteintly. "I already know your mouth, while cute, is surprisingly dirty. Nothing you came up with could shock me," he paused, amending, "at least, not anymore."

Meredith rolled her eyes even as relief filled her, and she slid into a slow teasing smile. "Good," she said, her voice as brisk as her gaze was languid. "Because you didn't escape either, mister."

"What?"

"Your names were worse."

"My names?" he repeated, sounding a little incredulous. However, Meredith only nodded. "Worse than Satan?"

She nodded again, "Oh yes."

Derek tilted his head to the side, his eyes searching hers. "What were they?" he challenged.

"I'm not telling you," she said simply. "We just got engaged, and I'd like to do my part to ensure we stay that way." He grinned as she shook her head, her lips pressing into a stubborn line that promised silence.

"That bad, huh?"

She raised a shoulder in a slight, uncertain shrug. "Just help me find Cristina already so I can tell her," she entreated, powerless to stop the strange giddy rush that kept bubbling up inside of her at the thought of marrying Derek--something foolish and girly that made her giggle and shake her head.

"Okay," he agreed, relenting and pressing his lips to her forehead. "You want to tell everyone tonight?" he asked eagerly, his own voice full of excitement as well.

But, at his words, Meredith balked, staring blankly up at him. She stayed frozen for close to a solid minute, her eyes wide and fearful.

"No," she managed at last, her voice small.

"No?" He brushed a hand against the smooth plane of her cheek, fingers curling around the tendrils of her hair. His voice was gentle, but bellied by uncertainty at her sudden change in mood.

"No," Meredith repeated, sounding a little less shaken. She sighed and grasped his hand, offering him an apologetic grimace. "I don't want your mother to know until there are several thousand miles between me and her." Derek simply nodded, offering her his silent agreement, and so she continued on hopefully. "I'm not telling people…I'm telling Cristina." Meredith's smile was entreating, and her words twisted pleadingly, "Can we wait a bit for everyone else? Please?"

"Of course," he said softly, his eyes piercing straight into hers as if a common thread connected them. He pressed his forehead to hers, the touch a gentle intimate whisper of contact. "We'll do this exactly how you want to do it," he promised. And then, in a breath, his expression morphed into a teasing grin. Leaning to the side, his voice became a low whisper against her ear, "We can even elope if you want. Right this second."

Meredith just laughed, shaking her head incredulously. "What I want is for you to help me find Cristina."

"Okay," he agreed, reluctantly stepping back to free her from her position against the wall. They wove together through the house in a searching silence, calm save for the strange indecipherable looks he kept casting at her with growing frequency.

"What?" blurted out Meredith at last, a hand on her hip. Derek just looked at her curiously, sporting a mask of practiced innocence that she saw straight through. "What are you up to?" she insisted, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nothing…"

"Oh please. You have that evil mastermind thing going on," Meredith pointed her finger at his face, "all plotting and scheming." She grinned at him over her shoulder, mischievous, teasing and insistent as they made their way from the kitchen into the hall. "Out with it."

"Well," he began slowly. "Once you tell Cristina, it's official right?" Meredith's eyebrows just hiked up even higher, her smile plummeting down into an open mouthed gape of pure incredulity. "I have four sisters," he muttered, flushing slightly. "No judging, just answer the question."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but nodded. "Yes."

"Good, so…" he rubbed his hands together, suddenly smirking at her, "if I have a person I need to tell too, and we just tell Cristina today, technically we have to have the same celebration sex twice, after mine and after yours."

"You have someone to tell?" asked Meredith curiously.

"Oh…" Derek shrugged, his voice nonchalant yet full of laughter and something devious. "I probably have about seven or eight people, and I'll need to tell them each on separate days."

Meredith let out a short snort of shocked amusement. "Shut up, and help me find Cristina," she said, swatting him even as they shot each other slow appraising smiles that hummed with promises and lust.

Reluctantly, Derek tilted his head towards the far side of the front room, having already caught sight of the intern several minutes earlier. "She's right over there," he admitted. Following his line of sight, she spotted Cristina standing with Izzie and George, gathered around a nearly demolished buffet tray.

"Great. Thank you," she said lightly. "Now go away."

"What?" Derek frowned, the corners of his eyes crinkling in confusion.

Meredith sighed, shaking her head. "I can't talk about how charming my boyfriend is _with _my charming boyfriend standing right there…" She trailed off, a strange look of muted delight crossing her face. "Fiancé," she corrected herself, giggling as the word rolled easily off her tongue.

"Well actually," said Derek, tracing the slender circle of her wrist with his thumb and forefinger. "I'm happy to discuss just how charming I am with you whenever you feel like it."

"How very big of you," she shot back, tilting her head to grin broadly up at him. "Now go away. Please?"

"Okay," he agreed, kissing the top of her head before walking away, smiling to himself as she made her way eagerly across the room towards the other interns.

"Hey," Meredith blurted out as she finally reached them. She was beaming, her hands clasped tightly together in tense excitement, looking almost more like Izzie than the blonde herself.

"What happened to you?" asked Cristina, her voice ripe with confusion as she turned and caught sight of Meredith's blindingly intense smile and the dreamy wandering sheen to her eyes.

Meredith just shrugged, and even that small action seemed lighter than normal, supported by an uncharacteristic thread of something purely giddy and delighted. "Nothing happened to me," she answered laughingly, her face splitting once more into a smile. "Why would you think something happened to me?"

Her question conjured up three nearly identical looks, masks of skepticism and uncertainty turned in her direction.

She frowned slightly, but didn't really seem to mind. Instead, she shot Cristina a look, tilting her head away from the group.

"Uh…" Cristina quirked a puzzled eyebrow, not catching on immediately.

"Are you okay?" interjected Izzie, interrupting the silent exchange of pointed glances and half shrugs that the other two women had been engaged in.

"Huh?" Meredith blinked and looked back over, reflexively nodding her head. "Oh…yeah," she said softly as she forced herself out of her dizzying thoughts and into the conversation in front of her. "I'm great. Derek's great. The baby's great," she said, the words tumbling out of her mouth way too fast, seeming to bypass her brain and head straight for her lips. She took a deep breath, trying to slow down, "Actually," but, as she paused her smile widened once more, and then she was off again, trying to contort her thick core of happiness into something coherent, and failing miserably. "We're better than great. This is a great party. It's all just so--" She trailed off, her voice tumbling and breathless, shrugging as she grinned to herself.

"Great?" supplied George wryly, simultaneously bemused and entertained.

But Meredith just nodded again, hardly even registering his expression. "Yeah," she agreed, some small sensible part of her knowing full well that she was sounding ridiculous, yet powerless--and completely unwilling--to stop herself. She simply indulged in yet another smile, her eyes lighting up.

Cristina cleared her throat, still a perfect portrayal of incredulity, "Even with the hateful mother, and the snob of a sister, and the ten thousand people Izzie decided to tack onto the guest list? Seriously?"

"Hey!" interjected Izzie. "There's nothing wrong the guest list. Meredith just said it was great."

"Yeah, and Meredith's clearly delusional."

"No she's not. Meredith, are you delusional? Mer?"

Meredith just shrugged, skirting the questions. "I'm cheerful," she said stubbornly. "It's my party and I'm cheerful. Why is this such a strange thing? You think I can't be cheerful?" She stared challengingly at her friends as the light in her eyes darkened defensively.

"Last I checked, cheerful wasn't a synonym for deranged. Unless of course we're talking about the freaking Bobbsey twins here," said Cristina, tilting her head towards Izzie and George.

Izzie scowled at her, and George cleared his throat, his voice gentle, placating. "Ah, no…you can be cheerful, Mer. It's good that you're cheerful."

"Exactly," agreed Izzie forcefully, giving an emphatic nod of her head. "Cheerful is good. We understand it. Cristina may not, but we…do."

"Okay then," said Meredith slowly, smirking a little as she cast a sidelong glance at Cristina, some of her giddy joy peeling off to be replaced with dry amusement at their replies. She bit her lip to keep from giggling. There was a reason her best friend was Cristina, and not Izzie or George, after all. "Cristina, I need you to come and…help me with something," she tried, no longer babbling inanely, but still feeling utterly unable to come up with a convincing excuse.

However, Cristina just shrugged, not at all concerned with being discreet. "Sure." She pointed a finger back and forth between Izzie and George, reiterating her earlier statement with a simple, "Deranged."

Izzie huffed as she watched the two of them walk away, folding her arms over her chest in disapproval as her lower lip slipped out into a pout. "There's something going on," she muttered to George. "Mer's up to something."

He only shrugged. "Maybe she's just happy."

Izzie let out a disparaging scoff of a sigh, rolling her eyes.

"That's a good thing, Iz," insisted George.

"No," she said shortly. "Mer's never that happy. Ever." She frowned as she followed Cristina and Meredith with her eyes; the women had crossed to the far side of the room, and stood separate from everyone else. Even from across the room, their conversation appeared animated and clearly intimate, and Izzie sighed again as she felt an old familiar pang of jealousy. She was Meredith's roommate, and yet it was always Cristina who got to hear everything first. It was always the two of them off together in their super secret world. She scowled softly, another sigh escaping her lips. "Something's going on," she repeated, turning squarely to face George as if challenging him to deny it.

"Izzie," he tried--puzzled, confused, failing to see anything worth getting worked up over.

She just tugged insistently on his arm, spinning him around to get a better view of Meredith and Cristina, who still stood together, laughing. "See?" she insisted. "I bet she's telling Cristina right now. Whatever it is…"

"So?" George frowned at her. "If there's something to tell, we'll find out when Meredith tells us."

"Right," muttered Izzie darkly. "Or it'll just be another Meredith and Cristina thing, and they'll never tell us."

George quirked an eyebrow as a knowing look finally crossed his face, and he nodded, amused, understanding, and a little bit smug, "You're jealous."

"I'm not jealous," she huffed. George just raised his eyebrow even higher, and she threw her hands up in exasperation. "I just don't get why everything is always, '_Oh,_ we're Meredith and Cristina, super secret best friends,'" she whined, knowing she sounded bitter, but not really caring.

"It's just their thing," offered George, trying to be helpful, but Izzie's only response was to roll her eyes and start to walk away. "Iz," he pressed, trotting forward a few steps to catch up with her. "What're you doing?"

"Talking a walk," she said blithely, casting another glance at the sight of her friends tucked away in the farthest corner of the room.

"You're spying on them," he countered.

"No." She shook her head decisively. "I'm walking through _my_ home, where I pay rent."

George sighed as Izzie pulled her arm back from him. "I am so not involved in this," he muttered.

"Whatever," she said absently, her curiosity already more than piqued by the secretive way her friends were bending their heads together. She drifted closer--grateful for the crowds of people concealing her from view--straining her ears to tune into their conversation.

"Seriously Mer, just spit it out already."

That was Cristina, obviously--sharp, brisk, impatient. She had to struggle harder to hear the reply, the quieter pitch of Meredith's voice being easily blotted out by the background hum of party noises swelling throughout the entire first floor. But, a few steps closer, and Izzie heard it, the sound starting with a gentle sigh.

"Fine," muttered Meredith. "I was just trying to build the suspense, make it more climactic or whatever. But Derek and I, we--"

"If this is gonna be another weird story about pregnant sex, I really don't need to--"

Izzie leaned forward, intrigued, and caught sight of Meredith rolling her eyes. "No," she huffed, cutting Cristina off. She hesitated for a moment, her face brightening once more into its now familiar grin. "We got engaged."

Cristina's eyebrows shot straight up as Izzie's mouth dropped open in shock.

"Seriously?" asked Cristina. Meredith just nodded, looking at her eagerly. "You're gonna be a McWife?" Izzie bit down hard on her lower lip to keep from letting out an excited squeal, a gasp, any form of acknowledgement, really as Cristina held out her hand, palm up, stating, "Let's see it, then."

"I, ah…" Meredith glanced down at her hands, wiggling ten bare fingers. "I don't have one yet."

"What? You mean McDreamy _didn't _get you a rock big enough to live under?"

Meredith shrugged, shaking her head. "I think it was a very spur of the moment thing," she explained. "I don't really need a ring, but…he wants to get one, so…whatever."

Izzie leaned even farther forward, catching sight of the two women squeezing each other's hands tightly--as if they knew it was typical to hug, but neither really felt like going through the trouble. She sighed inwardly, her excitement close to bubbling over as she did her best to stifle the urge to burst into the conversation herself.

Cristina was regarding Meredith skeptically, one eyebrow raised, her eyes dark and serious. "You're not freaking out?"

"No," breathed Meredith, shaking her head. "I'm not. That's weird, right?" Cristina just shrugged, and Meredith sighed, adding, "I'm sure I'll freak out later."

"Good," smirked Cristina. "Try to do it once I've gone home." Her expression remained hard and intense, but her voice softened into something so uncharacteristically gentle that Izzie almost started forward in shock. "You're happy, though?"

"Yeah," answered Meredith, her voice still quiet, but spiraling out to fill her smile with something bright and breathtaking. "I really am."

"Then I'm happy for you, McWife," said Cristina, placing a smarting emphasis on the final word.

Meredith glared at her, pulling her hands back to fold her arms stubbornly over the rise of her stomach. "You don't get to call me McWife."

"You're marrying McDreamy, right?" challenged Cristina, to which she could only nod. "Then you're McWife."

"You're marrying McDreamy?"

Somehow, the words came flying out of Izzie's mouth without her permission. It was as if they had been pressing full force against her lips since the moment she'd first heard them, weakening her resistance little by little until she was unable to suppress the urge to speak any longer. Her impulses took control, and she nearly shouted, her voice bouncing loudly through the crowded room, reverberating with shock and excitement. She gasped in a stunned, belated apology, biting her lip as Meredith and Cristina whirled around to finally catch sight of her.

"_Izzie…"_ hissed Meredith, filled with shock and frustration as she glared at Izzie. She opened her mouth to shush her, but the words were already traveling from person to person around the room, repeated over and over like some insistent echo trapped in a cave. She blinked, but could manage nothing more than that, feeling suddenly paralyzed as she found dozens of eyes once again fixated on her. It was as abrupt as the bursting of a balloon, her eager, giddy rush of emotions paling and growing cold. Yet again, a chorus of voices was surrounding her, drowning her, suffocating her with a thousand questions and congratulations.

"Yeah…" she managed to force out at last, giving a shaky nod of her head. She was scanning the room desperately for Derek--feeling as helpless as a deer suddenly caught immobile in the harsh glare of headlights--but found her eyes locking with the wrong pair of deep blue eyes. And, while her excitement had already drained away, this was like a bucket of ice water suddenly plummeting down over her, fusing with and destroying the warmth in her veins. Jacqueline was staring at her--her face a quiet mask of polite shock, but her eyes were something dark and furious, and Meredith found she couldn't look away. She could only gape as the bubble she'd been living in since saying yes shattered into a thousand pieces. Every last ounce of pain and tiredness awoke again within her with full force as she faced the eager crowd, and its dark-haired, blue-eyed, hateful center.

"Yes, we're getting married," came another voice, its deep familiarity filling Meredith with instant relief. She turned slightly to find Derek already beside her, pulling her flush to his side as if he were her shield. Meredith simply leaned into him, her innate desire to proclaim that she was fine faltering in the face of his mother and the smothering weight of her own renewed exhaustion. She let him field the questions and congratulations, barely even listening to what was being said until the flash of a camera suddenly went off in front of her face, jarring her from her daze.

"What the hell?" she snapped, bypassing all other reactions, and heading straight for irritated. She rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes as spots swam in bright blurs before her, slowly fading away to leave her blinking angrily at George. He smiled apologetically from behind a camera.

"Sorry," he muttered, lowering the camera. "And congratulations," he added with a genuine smile--his eyes warm and kind--killing Meredith's sharp retort before it even reached her tongue.

"Thanks," she muttered. She turned from him, sullenly regarding the crowd of people, the constant chattering voices, unable to forget the way Jacqueline had looked at her. She lost track of how long she stood at Derek's side, saying little and leaning hard against him, desperately wishing the party could just be over already. One hand braced her lower back as if to ward off the stress and the pain that seemed to follow it in waves, her head slumping dejectedly against Derek's shoulder. A wan smile flickered across her face, but that was all, her mind was too caught up in worrying about the storm that was sure to come now that Jacqueline knew. She was caught up in the fantasy of simply pushing past the crowd of people and out into the unadulterated silence of the night--barely tuned into the voices around her--when Meredith suddenly found herself being led across the room.

"What…?" she began uncertainly, grudgingly shaking herself free from her thoughts and turning to face Izzie, who was tugging eagerly on her arm.

"Presents," explained the blonde simply before moving away, directing the guests to sit in orderly little rows around a single, oversized armchair.

"Oh god," muttered Meredith as she caught sight of the chair in question. Somehow, she had missed it during the first half of the party, or…it was some horrendous creation Izzie had kept out of sight until then, either way…she stopped short, just staring at the thing. The entire chair was nearly lost beneath a sea of wrapping paper and streamers, done up to resemble a giant present itself. "Don't tell me I have to _sit _in that thing," she hissed in an undertone, looking desperately at Derek.

He cringed, shaking his head. "We could still make a break for it," he whispered, shooting a furtive glance in the direction of the front door. Meredith frowned, letting out a resigned burst of laughter. People were already holding onto their gifts, watching her expectantly, eager for her reactions to the parade of tiny clothes and baby's toys that was just waiting to start.

"Right…" Her voice was a weary sigh, and she kept a tight grip on Derek's hand, dragging him with her into the fray.

Still, the soft support of the chair beneath her was a relief after standing for so long, and the presents were amusing at first. Derek sat on the armrest of the chair, apparently entertaining himself by leaning forward now and then to whisper the most inappropriate things he could think of straight into her ear. It kept her laughing as she unwrapped present after present. But eventually, the constant barrage of little pajamas and tops and itty bitty pink socks grew tiresome. She was running out of things to say, of ways to pretend that she was excited about the washcloths and the mobile and the baby bathtub, that she cared about all the toys. Her body felt like a single, dense knot of misery, and Meredith just wanted it all to stop. Still, the pile was far from dwindling, and so she kept unwrapping and unwrapping and unwrapping. She only froze once or twice, when her eyes locked with Jacqueline's. For once, Derek's mother wasn't saying anything bitter. She wasn't saying anything at all. She simply sat there amidst the other guests, straight and stiff as a rod, her eyes following Meredith's every move with the watchfulness of a hawk. She radiated a quiet disapproval that went unnoticed by most--the wrapping paper and the constant chattering of the guests serving as a sort of smoke screen--but Meredith felt it. She could ignore it for the most part, avoid Jacqueline's eyes, but even then it was still there, still wearing her down mercilessly until she felt paper thin. And, the few times their eyes did lock, it took every last ounce of her dwindling strength to simply sit still--to keep from bursting into tears, or screaming, or both.

Jacqueline was hardly aware of her effect on Meredith, on her son's fiancée… She frowned at the thought, her mind still trying to accept the fact that the miserable, unsmiling girl seated in front of her was apparently marrying Derek. She watched her with a horrified sort of curiosity, Cristina's earlier anger and her own common sense keeping her from making a scene in front of the hundred or so guests. But, even in her stiff silence, Jacqueline's mind was raging at her. She could handle Meredith as the bland, highly inappropriate, altogether too young girlfriend of her son. She could. She might not like it, but she was prepared to handle that relationship for as long as it lasted. Which, she had to admit, she'd thought wouldn't be that long, despite the child.

But, as his fiancée? His…wife?

She glanced back at Meredith--taking in her listless eyes and the pained smile that was more of a grimace than anything else--and found herself wondering, yet again, if her son had lost his mind. She sighed and shook her head, amusing herself with the fact that at least Derek no longer believed in marriage as an eternal commitment. The end of his first marriage was proof enough of that.

-----

Eventually, the party started to wind to an end. Guests left, uttering final rounds of congratulations as they made their way out the door. A strange quiet took over the house--a silence that felt muffled and somehow more pronounced than normal--as if the sudden absence of a hundred voices left behind an overpowering lack of sound--something oddly loud in its own way. Meredith sat slumped in a chair as her friends moved back and forth around her. Derek, Alex and George had all disappeared, carting some of the larger presents up the stairs to the nursery. Izzie and Cristina shuffled back and forth between the kitchen and the front room, picking up the dozens of plastic cups and paper plates, gathering the shredded wrapping paper into huge garbage bags, and talking quietly to each other about a tricuspid valve replacement they'd both scrubbed in on the day before. Meredith had tried to get up and help them once, but had instantly been admonished, and told to sit back down. Izzie had frowned and fussed, telling her that she looked much too tired, and that this was her party, so she should put her feet up and rest. And so, she had returned reluctantly to her seat, and sat there plucking idly at a long, perfectly coiled strand of pink ribbon--letting the delicate curls twine around her fingers--only half-listening to their conversation. Nancy and Jacqueline sat beside her. The older woman had claimed they were waiting for a taxi, but Meredith couldn't help but think she was really waiting for Derek to come back downstairs so that she could pounce on him. Question him about the suddenly impending marriage that loomed like the unmentioned elephant in the room.

Meredith sighed and cast a cautious glance at the two women. Nancy had offered her a stunned, but seemingly heartfelt, congratulations on her engagement, but Jacqueline hadn't said a single word. She just sat there--brooding and angry--her mood a storm cloud hanging darkly around her. The silence was unnerving, but, while Meredith could handle speaking to Nancy now, she lost even that ability with Derek's mother sitting like a statue between them. And so she just sank deeper into the warm folds of the chair, staring down at her lap again as the seconds seemed to slow into something long and aching. As she shifted in her seat, frowning at the pain that still twinged through her on occasion--aftershocks from the stress of the party, running their way from her feet all the way up to the throbbing nape of her neck--Jacqueline looked up, and cleared her throat.

"Let's see the ring."

Her voice rang out distinctly, causing Meredith's head to jerk upwards in response, taken aback by the statement. "...What?" she stammered.

"The ring," repeated Jacqueline, stretching out her hand. "Let's see it."

Nancy stiffened noticeably in her seat, and Meredith swore she felt the tiny hairs on the back of her neck bristle like the fur of some cornered animal. She tried to smile, swallowing the bitterness and answering dully, "I don't have one yet." _And you know it, you miserable bitch_, she thought, biting down hard on her lip to keep the words from slipping out.

"Oh," said Jacqueline coolly, arching her eyebrows high in a perfect expression of astonishment. "You don't say..." Nancy shot her mother a warning look, and got to her feet, bending down to gather a stack of crumb-filled paper plates in her hand.

"Mom--"

"Nancy, I was just curious," defended Jacqueline dismissively, giving a little wave of her hand. "I remember Derek got Addison such a lovely ring--with a huge diamond, wasn't it? Princess cut, right?" She let out a thin little trill of a laugh, adding, "Nearly weighed her hand down."

Meredith stiffened, staring down at her own bare hands. The words fell on her like boulders after everything else, crushing her with more weight than they were worth. She let out a shaky sigh, willing Derek to come back down the stairs already, for Izzie and Cristina to suddenly need her in the kitchen, anything other than having to sit there and listen to further proof that she wasn't Addison, and never would be.

"Mom, really. Stop it. Just leave her alone." Nancy's voice was sharp and exasperated, and Meredith glanced up in surprise, shocked to find herself being defended at all.

"You act like I'm attacking her," said Jacqueline, still indignant. Her voice had a flawless veneer of politeness spread over it, but beneath the words ran something dark and cold and maybe angry, pulsing with a snarled ugly mess of confusion and frustration. "I'm just trying to find out why she seems so unhappy," she continued lightly, turning to face Meredith. "What is it, dear? Were you expecting a big ring too?"

It was fake nice at best, something infinitely condescending that made Meredith's skin crawl and her blood feel as if it were suddenly boiling in her veins. She bit her lip, sucking in a deep, steadying breath that hissed angrily past her clenched teeth. She found herself missing the tense uncomfortable silence that had lingered previously. "I wasn't expecting anything," she said tersely, raising a hand to rub two knuckles hard against her aching temple.

"But you are happy now?" continued Jacqueline, unable to resist the urge to just keep pushing; simultaneously fascinated and annoyed by the young woman's apparent inability to smile, and still seething over her sudden engagement. "Now that Derek's agreed to marry you?"

Meredith shifted uncomfortably, her eyes narrowing. "I was happy before that too," she said, her voice short and snappish. She was about to fade once more into silence, and simply let Jacqueline's words fester in her mind, when she suddenly shook her head. She couldn't keep quiet. Something buried deep within her wouldn't allow it. She felt too frustrated and too sore to continue on trying to appease a woman who clearly hated her, and so she straightened up in her chair, her tone suddenly much harsher than anything Jacqueline had heard from her before. "And he didn't agree to marry me. _I _agreed to marry him. You got it backwards," she said, scraping together only the thinnest trappings of politeness to cover her anger. "And we're both _incredibly _happy, thank you."

"Really?" managed Jacqueline, her voice mingling with a stunned, humorless note of laughter. She frowned, taken aback by the sudden sign of life in front of her. Her eyes darkened, and--feeling unexpectedly cornered--she threw back the first thing she could think of. "Because I've never seen a woman look so miserable opening presents for her daughter in my entire life."

"Seriously?" spluttered Meredith loudly as something within her finally snapped, every last thin thread of patience fraying and breaking at once. She got to her feet--anger propelling her upward without her usual struggle--and turned to glare at Jacqueline, mindless of everything other than the cork shooting out of the bottle of her suppressed emotions. She sucked in a deep breath, barely even seeing Jacqueline through the blurry obscuring haze of her anger, her words finally breaching some internal dam to come pouring out in an ugly torrent.

"Now you don't like me because, what? I'm just not cheerful enough?" She shook her head violently, her voice already unsteady, holding the threat of tears in its pitch. "This is stopping now."

"What?" began Jacqueline, scooting to the edge of her seat, bristling defensively. She was halfway to protesting when the petite blonde held up a trembling hand, barreling on.

"Look," Meredith shrugged, and even that small motion was hard edged and erratic, "I get that Derek and I are complicated, and hard to understand, and that this all came out of nowhere for you. The divorce, and the surprise girlfriend," she gestured down at her stomach, "the baby, and now the whole marriage whatever. It's a lot. I get it. I've _lived_ it. Trust me, I know that it's a lot. And I'm _sorry_. I really am. Derek should have told you. And," she laughed dryly, "I'm sorry I'm not smiley enough for you, or whatever the hell your latest problem with me is. But being pregnant? It sucks." She braced her lower back as she spoke as if in testament to her next words, her voice rising loudly as she asked, "Did you ever think that maybe I'm not smiling because, oh…I don't know, I'm in pain? Or because opening a hundred presents from people I barely know actually isn't fun for me? I don't like big parties, and I didn't want one. And I certainly didn't want you here the whole time trying to ruin this for us. But--" Meredith paused, sucking in a deep shaky breath. Her face was flushed with ugly streaks of red, her eyes glittering with tears. "But I _am _happy," she stammered, her voice low and shaky. She staggered slightly, reaching out to steady herself against the back of a chair as the room started swimming. Everything within her seemed to be suddenly trembling, and Meredith drew in another long rattling breath, holding herself together through the force of her will alone. "Derek and I," she continued tremulously, fingernails clutching at the fabric of the chair in a desperate struggle to keep her balance. Her teeth were digging painfully into her lower lip, and she let out a tortured gasp as something sharp stabbed right through her. But, in another second, the feeling passed, and the room stopped reeling quite so violently. She sniffled against the threat of tears, willing herself to speak. "We're happy," she said forcefully, her heart beating heavily against her chest, seeming to force its rhythm into her voice. "What we have makes us happy. It is not this cheap thing. Maybe we did start out kind of crazy. And maybe from the outside we don't look perfectly appropriate, or fit into your perfect box of a world. But that doesn't make what we have wrong, it doesn't make me some whore who seduced her boss and broke up his marriage, and if you can't understand that--"

Meredith trailed off abruptly as the room started to swim again. Her whole world was a bleary wash of red and pain, Jacqueline nothing more than some stunned immobile blur in front of her. She leaned forward, bowing down so that her forehead rested against the back of the chair she'd been leaning on, trying to stave off some of the pain and dizziness that simply seemed to ratchet up right along with her anger. Three deep breaths later, the room was deathly silent, and when Meredith finally straightened up, her own voice was quieter too. She swallowed, her throat dry and hoarse even as tears ran in thin streaks down the sides of her face. "I've tried to be nice to you for Derek's sake," she said stiffly, her hand moving on its own to rub futilely at the headache pervading every square inch of her skull. "I've tried, but you have done nothing other than insult me from the moment you showed up at my door. And…I can't do it any longer. I can't, so…" she sighed, her voice suddenly low and uncharacteristically commanding. "You have a choice. You are either done trying to hurt me, or you are leaving right now, and this-- this relationship or whatever, is over."

"You're, you're…throwing me out?" asked Jacqueline, quiet, stunned, not quite comprehending the sudden tirade that had poured out of the tiny, seemingly meek woman standing in front of her.

"Yes," said Meredith, filling her voice with a confidence she didn't feel. "If you can't…yes." She shifted her hands to her lower back, trying not to crumple into some pathetic weepy mess. Trying to simply keep standing as dizziness consumed her again in a wave, forcing her to jerk her hand from bracing her back to clutch at the chair in front of her.

"You can't just throw me out like that," stammered Jacqueline, fear rippling through her and blotting out everything other than the sudden threat. She shook her head, her eyes frantic and uncertain despite the disbelief that lingered in her voice. "What would Derek say?"

Meredith's head was bowed, but she looked up at that, blinking unsteadily at the other woman. "He would understand," she hissed, her voice low and broken. "He _does _understand." She swallowed hard, smothering her own fears and doubts to let the conversation of the night before slice unheralded straight through the present. "Derek, he-- He told me he would choose if I needed him to, and I am not having someone in my life who treats me the way you have. Certainly not in my daughter's life. I swear, she is not going to go through anything like what I--"

But Meredith trailed off abruptly, biting her lip as her back seized up in pain. She stood frozen for one long, horrible, grating second before her body relaxed again, plummeting her straight into another bout of dizziness that robbed her of her defenses. She clawed desperately at the chair, bracing herself not just to keep on her feet, but to keep speaking, to finish what she'd started. "I'm sorry," she whispered at last, finally meeting Jacqueline's eyes as tears started to stream uncontrollably down her face. "But if you can't get over whatever the hell your problem with me is, and try to accept that I love your son, then I need him to choose."

Silence fell with the force of a death blow; Jacqueline simply staring at her speechless, and Meredith leaning heavily against the chair in front of her, feeling as if she were floating and frozen and falling to pieces all at once.

A sound that could only be described as a catcall pierced the silence, and Meredith turned shakily, suddenly realizing that they weren't alone. Nancy stood immobile a few steps from the doorway, still clutching the stack of paper plates she'd gathered before the fight. Izzie and Cristina had wandered in from the kitchen, and Cristina was beaming at her, looking like it was all she could do to keep from clapping.

"About time," she said as Izzie looked down at her incredulously, hissing some sort of warning in an undertone. Cristina just shrugged, and glanced back at Meredith, adding, "Seriously, I was starting to wonder who you were, and what you'd done with Meredith."

Meredith could only blink, letting out some almost inaudible murmur, just a shadow of a reply. She wanted to laugh, to let Cristina's absurd, inappropriate, completely ridiculous comment free her from this horrible, lingering impasse. She wanted to forget that she had just given Derek's mother an ultimatum. Had given Derek one, really. She wanted to forget that Jacqueline still hadn't even bothered to reply. But she couldn't. The truth was something harsh and burning--seared into her mind's eye. And so she could only stand there on shaky legs, blinking helplessly as tears streamed down her face, the room sliding in and out of focus. Nobody seemed to know what to do or say. It was as if the whole world was frozen; everyone holding off even on breathing until a door slammed shut upstairs, and moments later, three pairs of feet came thudding down the stairs.

Derek stopped first, halting halfway down the staircase and forcing George and Alex to come to an abrupt stop behind him. But he paused only for a moment--the frozen room presenting itself to him like some sort of grotesque snapshot--before he started moving again. Meredith was crying; that was the only thought that had any sort of permanency to it. She was standing there, tears streaking down her face, and nobody was making a move to do anything. They all seemed made of stone. He snorted angrily as he hurried down the rest of the stairs, incensed, disbelieving, striding roughly past Izzie and Cristina to reach his fiancée. Her face was a blotchy pattern of bright red over ashen white, tears tracing long glimmering trails over her cheekbones as her lip trembled, teeth digging in hard enough to pierce the skin and draw a single drop of blood. He reached out, gathering her hands in his and squeezing them tightly.

"Meredith," he whispered, ignoring everyone other than her, speaking to her softly, gently. "What happened?"

"I--" she stammered, the familiar sound of Derek's voice freeing the tense hold on her throat. But even as she tried to speak, she started to cry; her body suddenly wracked with the sobs she'd previously been able to hold in. "I'm sorry," she moaned, shaking her head frantically as she looked up at him. "I didn't mean…I just…" She trailed off, leaning forward to rest her head against his chest to hide her face, simultaneously horrified and unconcerned by the fact that all of her friends were standing there watching her fall apart.

Derek frowned and pulled her closer, feeling her trembling against him. Something angry and protective coursed through his veins, and he glared at the assembled crowd over the top of her head. "Anyone want to tell me what the hell's going on?" he demanded.

"It's nothing," stammered Jacqueline, despite the sudden fear churning deep in the pit of her stomach. She shook her head and laughed, the sound pure nerves. "It's ridiculous, really," she continued. "She's saying she wants you choose…or some such nonsense. That you promised you'd choose, which is just ridiculous because--" She trailed off--digging her nails deep into the palms of her hands--watching in quiet horror as her son's expression contorted from one of frustration to pure disgust as he stared at her, and, in a split second, morphed into something just shy of reverent as he turned back to Meredith.

"Mer," he coaxed, running his hands up and down the length of her arms as she staggered slightly and fell against him.

She looked up, her eyes wide with doubt and uncertainty. "I'm sorry," she repeated, starting to cry all over again. "I didn't… I didn't mean to make this into a big thing." She hiccupped, and shook her head frantically, still flirting with dizziness and the thought of crumpling to the floor in a heap. "I just, I just couldn't, Derek. I couldn't. She's so…" Meredith shrugged helplessly, "I'm sorry." Her voice descended into an incoherent stream of apologies punctuated by harsh ugly-sounding sobs.

"See? This is ridiculous," said Jacqueline, after spending a long, tortured minute watching Derek ignore her completely to soothe Meredith. Her voice shaky and unconvincing, speaking out of fear and a desperate need for her son to agree with her. He had been in the process of drying Meredith's tears, but, at the sound of his mother's voice, his hand froze in midair. "I didn't do--"

He nearly snarled as he turned towards her, his eyes harsh and incredulous. "Then why is she crying?" he demanded.

"Derek, I don't know, she just started. She--"

"No," he said, letting go of Meredith, and crossing over to where his mother stood in two long strides. "Don't act like you don't know why. The woman I love is crying because of what _you _said to her. Because of how you've treated her since the moment you met her." He ran a hand through his hair, his voice rising until he was no longer speaking, but shouting at her. "What, mom? You think I'm just going to be okay with that? I feel like I don't even know you anymore! Meredith and I are having a child. She's going to be my wife. If she wants me to choose--"

"Derek--"

"No," he repeated, his voice a harsh angry bark. "I will always choose her. Always. The one time I didn't, I made the biggest mistake of my life. One that I am _never _making again."

Jacqueline just stared at her son, at a loss for words, and, in the thick leaden silence that followed, Meredith staggered forward, gasping in pain. The floor and ceiling were once again doing flip-flops with each other, sending her world reeling even as her head throbbed with a dull ache and something piercing shot through her side. She had to lay down. It wasn't a question anymore in her mind. She had to lay down or risk something awful happening. She turned blindly towards where she thought Derek was, but he already had a hold of her arm. His heart was thudding violently against his chest as he took in the hand clutching her belly, praying desperately that she wasn't about to crumple to the floor in a repeat of the most terrifying moment of his entire life.

She swayed slightly, but didn't fall. Instead, she turned towards him, her eyes still watery. "I--" she tried, her voice small and shaky. "I think I should lay down."

"Okay," he agreed instantly, filling with relief to see her straighten up instead of double over in pain. But she stumbled again, pressing a hand to her head, and Derek bent down, sweeping her up into his arms.

"Derek," she murmured, but he just shushed her, not about to set her back down. And so Meredith twined her arms around his neck, some of the dizziness subsiding as she let her head slump against his shoulder.

He carried her wordlessly towards the stairs, stopping at the foot to turn and face his mother. "You need to leave," he said simply.

Jacqueline just blinked. "What?"

"Meredith wants you gone," he stated, tilting his head towards the tiny woman cradled in his arms. She offered no words to the contrary--her face buried against his chest, tears staining his shirt. Jacqueline opened her mouth to reply, but Derek shook his head. "Go." And with that, he turned his back on his mother, carrying Meredith up the stairs and out of sight.

-----

_So yes, Meredith finally said something. She started off happy and doing really quite wonderfully, still caught up in her happy little bubble of just getting engaged. But, once everyone at the party hears, things start falling apart for her. She gets more than a little bit stressed out by the whole thing, and Jacqueline is completely blown away at the idea of Derek and Meredith getting married, especially since she'd just been trying to convince herself that they were nothing more than a fling. So there's a lot of ugly feelings flying around, and Meredith had a boatload of suppressed emotions about the whole thing, and eventually…she just snaps. And yeah, big fight. Way too big of a fight for her at the moment. All of the stress had been overwhelming her the whole day and making her feel crappy. And, after pretty much getting hysterical over Derek's mom, she feels like she's falling apart. However, this time she doesn't wait until she gets to the point where she actually collapses on the floor. She says she needs to lay down, so…Derek takes her upstairs, leaving a huge rift between him and his mother. _

_And yeah, that's about it. The party's over. I'd like to promise a speedier update next chapter, but…these next two weeks are the last two of the semesters. I have a giant pile of final projects and exams breathing down the back of my neck, which I'll have to deal with. So, I'm sorry ahead of time if it takes a bit to get the next update up. As soon as the semester's over though, I should be able to update much, much faster than I am at the moment. And yay, we're nearing the end! I'm sorry this story is taking so long to finish! It's so nice and fun for me though (especially after the latest episode) to have Mer/Der at a place where their problems are an outside thing instead of each other. Anyway, thanks for reading! _


	34. Tears and Rain

_So, wow. This took forever. As in a very, very, very long time. I'm really sorry about that. I was stuck studying for finals, and then it took me forever to actually get this chapter written. It had zero desire to be cooperative. But, it's rather long, so hopefully that makes up for it a teensy bit. And it should take nowhere near this long to get the next chapter up. And yeah, basically I'm just sorry it took so long! And I really appreciate everyone who's reviewed and stuck around for this chapter. Thanks so much. And yeah, straight to the story. This picks up a few hours after where the last chapter left off._

_-----_

Meredith sat in the passenger seat of Derek's car, her arms folded over the bulge of her stomach as she glared out past the rain streaked windshield. The hospital parking lot was dark and glowing with pools of lamplight, Seattle Grace rising large and silent before them as Derek put the car in reverse, backing out of the empty lot. She shifted in her seat, drumming her nails against the armrest as she cast a cautious glance in his direction, quickly averting her eyes before he could return the look. A strange silence permeated the interior of the car--that and the rain that was pouring relentlessly down around them while they remained dry combined to make Meredith feel as if she sat isolated from the rest of the world in some tiny, helpless bubble. She shivered involuntarily, and, without a word, Derek reached over and cranked the heat up for her with a twist of his wrist. A flicker of a smile passed across her lips--a faint whisper of gratitude--as she rubbed her hands together in front of the vent, trying to figure out at just what point in the past three hours they'd fallen into this awkward, stilted version of themselves. At a guess, Meredith supposed it would be after the pain and the dizziness and the worry had subsided enough for her to fully process what had happened, to come the realization that this wasn't just a bad dream, that she had actually forced Derek to choose between her and his own mother. It had been a horrifying abrupt truth--like something cold and bitter smacking her in the face--and she hadn't known what to do. She didn't know how to bring it up, how to deal with it, and so she'd simply gone silent. She couldn't quite remember if it had been an instantaneous drop into not speaking, or if she'd dwindled away a few words at a time. Meredith shifted uncomfortably, deciding it didn't really matter. All that mattered was the thick sense of guilt that hung over her, seeming to coat every inch of her body, inside and out. She'd made him choose, and he'd chosen her, and now… What was she supposed to say now? She closed her eyes, feeling the heavy weight of Derek's eyes upon her, the sensation only serving to tighten the guilt and worry within her. He was sitting there, driving her home without protest, without a single word of complaint despite the fact that she'd shifted to answering him with nothing more than barely noticeable jerks of her head.

"I…" she stammered, forcing the single syllable out to relieve her guilt without a plan for anything else. She hesitated and Derek glanced back at her again before returning his focus to the road. Meredith swallowed hard--her throat feeling far too dry--as she tried desperately to come up with something to say. "Ah…well, that was neurotic of us," she said at last, her voice teasing yet thin and anxious.

"Huh?" asked Derek, his brow knitting itself into a frown.

"Neurotic," she repeated hoarsely. "And pointless. Very pointless."

The car slowed to a halt as they reached a red light, and Derek twisted around to face her. "What was pointless?" he prodded, his eyes searching her face worriedly.

"Us going to the hospital in the middle of the night," she muttered, feeling strangely disconnected from the words coming out of her mouth. She sank further down in her seat, scowling out at the rain from beneath the dark veil of her lashes. "Very pointless."

Derek heaved a sigh, but quickly swallowed his own frustrations to turn and comfort her. "Mer," he soothed, reaching over to brush at the strands of her hair with his fingertips. "It wasn't pointless. You were in pain. You were dizzy and having contractions, and--"

"Braxton-Hicks," she corrected, a definite edge to her voice as she shied away from his touch. "It was nothing."

"What about your blood pressure?" he pressed.

Meredith just scowled at him. "It was nothing," she repeated hotly.

"We don't know that yet," Derek muttered as the light changed. He slammed his foot down hard on the gas, the car jolting violently forward into moving again. Meredith hissed under her breath, and he instantly mumbled an apology. They sank back into silence, Derek continually glancing at her out of the corner of his eye; halfway convinced that she should still be at the hospital despite the fact that everything _had_ stopped, and Meredith was sitting beside him looking fine. Inexplicably furious…but fine.

Meredith chewed on her lip, the guilt building again as she felt his eyes worrying over her. He wasn't supposed to be this attentive, this concerned--not after she'd made him cut his family out of his life. She wanted to take it back, but she didn't even know how to bring it up. Her throat grew dry again and the seat increasingly uncomfortable, so that--by the seventh worried glance he cast at her--she felt miserable and buried alive beneath the guilt. "Stop it," she snapped, her hand hitting her thigh with an irritated smack. Derek just quirked an eyebrow, looking lost. "Stop staring at me like you think I'm about to break," she reiterated, her voice thick with misplaced frustration. "I'm _fine._"

"Right," said Derek heavily, something aggravated seeping into his own voice. "And that's why Dr. Harrison put you on bed rest?"

Meredith tensed, her jaw suddenly clenching. So much for blotting out _that _technicality. Anger flared up unexpectedly at the thought. "No," she muttered, staring down at her stomach. "She put me on bed rest because _someone _had the brilliant idea to go to the hospital in the middle of the night while our doctor just happened to be on call _and _asleep. We woke her up, Derek." She turned to glare at him, seething irrationally. "It's her revenge!"

"She put you on bed rest to get revenge?" asked Derek, unable to keep amusement from filling his voice as he turned to see Meredith flushed and scowling. She just nodded emphatically--her eyes wide and incensed--and his grin broadened despite himself. "Right…because that's exactly how it works," he teased gently, laughingly.

Narrowing her eyes, she replied with nothing more than a scathing look before slumping back down in her seat. Crossing her arms over her stomach once more, she went back to staring at the rain in a deep and brooding silence; sulking and seething internally until it all came bubbling out at the next red light. Derek turned to look at her, and she shook her head. Yanked her fingers through her hair. Blinked away the sudden stinging threat of tears. "Bed rest!" she snapped disbelievingly.

"Yes…" agreed Derek cautiously; shying away a little as if the tiny woman next to him was some sort of cornered animal, her next move obscured from him by a veil of frightening unpredictability. "It won't be so bad--" he tried, only to be cut off.

"I was supposed to go to work tomorrow," Meredith muttered, not hearing him. "For four hours…which," she shook her head, "is _pathetic _itself, but that's not really the point."

"And now you won't have to," he soothed, his voice a low hum that melded in with the murmur of the rain and the engine.

Meredith just sighed, the sound thick and exasperated. "I want to." She pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead, leaning back into the curve of the seat as she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the irritating way the leather was sticking to her neck. "Four more weeks, Derek," she muttered, giving into her frustrations and letting them carry her far, far away from worrying about his mother. "I was supposed to have four more weeks before I let you convince me I'm too pregnant to be useful. That's a whole month!"

Derek tapped out an uneven rhythm on the steering wheel with the pads of his thumbs, filled with a sinking feeling that, no matter what he said, no matter what comfort he tried to offer her, right now…it would be the wrong thing. The pale green of her eyes was uncharacteristically dark--something brooding like the storm--and the glow of lamplight shining in through the rain-splattered windows turned the shadows that bathed her into a lattice of light and dark. He tightened his grip on the wheel as she wrapped her arms that much closer to her swollen stomach, her teeth leaving angry marks on the soft skin of her lower lip. "You'll still be useful…" he tried at last, his voice low and uncertain as if testing out her response before saying anything else. Meredith didn't reply, just tensed slightly, her shoulders hunching forward. "You're growing another person," he added, watching her out of the corner of her eye as she nodded grudgingly. "And your BP _was _high. That's not something you just ignore."

"One high reading does not make you hypertensive," she snapped, turning immediately defensive.

"No," allowed Derek. "But it was high yesterday too."

"What?" stammered Meredith, confused.

"Addison took it when she was with you, remember? And it was--"

"Okay, first of all," she interrupted, her voice rising. "Two readings only a day apart? Still not enough. And second of all, that one doesn't even count! I was upset when she took it, obviously my blood pressure would be up."

Derek sighed, nodding his head. "It probably is nothing, but…with everything else on top of that?" He shrugged. "All it means is you have to rest for a little bit."

There it was again; Derek being too kind, too understanding, too completely perfect. This wasn't what she deserved. Not after the party. It was disconcerting and hard to trust. "I thought you'd at least be mad about the no sex part," she shot back bitterly, feeling desperate for something she could understand.

"Meredith…" he groaned, chancing another glance at her before turning his focus back to the road.

She didn't answer. She couldn't. Jacqueline's voice had gone back to echoing around in her head, forcing her to stare intently at the rain to keep from crying.

Derek tried to satisfy himself with brief peripheral glimpses of her as he drove, but it wasn't enough. Her face was to the window anyway, and all he could pick up on was the sense that something was wrong. He forced himself to stifle the suggestion that they go back to the hospital, and instead settled for twisting around in his seat to look at her again as soon as they stopped at the next red light. "Of course I hate the no sex part," he agreed gently, reaching out to brush her cheek with the back of her hand. She stiffened under his touch, but he pressed on. "But it's not a big deal. It's nothing if it means you'll be okay." The light changed to green far too quickly, and his hand moved reluctantly back towards the wheel. "I _need_ you to be okay," he said, feeling almost as if he were pleading with her.

"Right," she mumbled, still staring out at the storm.

Then they were moving again, and somehow the silence within the car was even more pronounced than the sudden clap of thunder booming far overhead.

"It won't be that bad," Derek promised at last, his words sounding strange after the stifled silence that had proceeded them. Still, he flashed her a quick hopeful grin. "Think of it as a mini vacation."

"Six weeks stuck in bed is not a mini vacation," Meredith snapped, her voice coming out harsh and angry and far too loud. "It's hell, Derek. That's what it is." She turned away, letting her head come to rest against the window with a dull thud. Derek didn't say anything, and she closed her eyes, feeling a fresh wash of guilt pour over her in a wave. She was being horrible. She had no good reason, and yet…there she was, being horrible. Meredith shivered again, squeezing her eyelids even tighter together; a safeguard against the continual urge to cry. She lost track of how long they sat in silence, but eventually the car slowed to a halt, and she felt a familiar hand reach out and intertwine with her own. Derek's fingers dwarfed hers, and he rubbed at her knuckles with the pad of his thumb, every motion gentle and soothing.

"Hey…" he said quietly as her eyelids reluctantly fluttered open again. She turned to glance at him, finding the blue of his eyes clouded over with worry. Something within her softened, and the corner of her mouth twitched up into a tiny apologetic smile.

"Sorry," she whispered, the word a thin mumbled sound almost lost beneath the louder sounds of the storm.

Derek just shook his head, folding Meredith's hand in his and bringing it to his lips. "It's okay."

"No," she muttered, pulling away from him to sit up straight again. "No," she repeated, her voice rising. "It's not. I was being mean." Her lower lip slipped out into something stubborn and pouting that only served to make him smile and shake his head again.

"You're allowed to be mean right now," he said gently, leaning over and kissing the side of her head. "Nothing about today's been fair to you." He kissed the tip of her nose. "You get to be a little unreasonable. Or a lot," he grinned at her, "your pick."

Meredith just shook her head, his words leaving her eyes stinging with tears. "No, I don't," she moaned, her voice a small and quavering thing.

His smile fell away in an instant, and he raised a hand to her cheek--a gentle, questioning gesture. "What?"

"Not to you, I don't…" she choked out, feeling as if the guilt had somehow become a thick lining, coating her throat and making it difficult to breathe, let alone speak. Their eyes locked for a moment--hers wary, his searching. There was something sad and vulnerable in her gaze--full of doubt and apologies she wasn't sure how to make. But, as Derek stared, piecing everything together to realize that she was agonizing about his mother, Meredith pulled away to look out at the rain.

"Meredith," he tried, his fingers skimming down her sleeve. She just shook her head, and, as she fixated on the window in a nervous attempt to avoid his eyes, she finally saw through the dreary gray of the storm. They were parked in front of her house.

"We're home," she blurted out, her voice rich with relief. "Great." The words had barely left her lips before she was climbing out of the car and into the rain. Every drop that fell was fat and heavy, soaking her thoroughly before she'd taken more than two steps. She just shrugged at the storm, tilting her head towards the sky so that the tears that had been threatening her for the past hour could fall unnoticed, hidden by the rain. Busy breathing in the damp air and the steady drumming rhythm of water hitting rooftops, she was caught off guard when Derek reappeared at her side. "What?" she muttered as he caught her by the elbow, forcing her away from the strange relief that seemed to come with the rain.

He just tilted his head towards the steps looming in front of them. "Maybe I should carry you," he mused, eyeing her worriedly.

"It's not strict bed rest, Derek," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm allowed to walk to my bed on my own, remember?"

Derek nodded--resigning himself to letting her do it on her own--but watched her like a hawk, his heart squeezing into something tense and painful until she made it safely to the door. He leaned forward to let them in, only to have the door yanked open from the inside just a second before his key met the lock.

Izzie was waiting for them on the other side of the threshold. She looked a little paler than usual, with something frazzled lurking in her eyes. "Oh thank god," she said, her voice a loud gasp of relief as she reached out to pull Meredith into the house. By the time Derek had closed and locked the door, she was already brushing worriedly at the raindrops falling from Meredith's hair and clothes. Shaking her head, she glanced back and forth between the couple, her words pouring out in a rush. "I know you said you'd call if it was anything serious, but it's been hours now and I was starting to get really worried." She looked down at Meredith who stood immobile, her back pressed up against Derek's front. "Everything's okay, right? You and the baby? You're both okay?"

Meredith stayed silent, offering Izzie a half smile and the faintest hint of a nod, but nothing more. Her gaze flicked across the room as George emerged from the kitchen, making his way towards them too.

"Hey, what happened at the hospital?" he called as Izzie, unsatisfied with Meredith's lack of response, turned to look at Derek.

"She's okay, right?" she pressed.

Derek nodded, his hand resting on Meredith's damp, rain soaked shoulder. "Yeah," he agreed despite the fact that he wasn't so sure himself. There was something sad and worrying that he didn't quite understand, but that seemed to be radiating from her. "She needs to take it easy though. The doctor put her on bed rest," he added, feeling Meredith tense up at the words.

Izzie's eyebrows shot straight up. "Bed rest?"

"Yeah," muttered Meredith, finally speaking. Her voice was low and hollow, her eyes almost gray. She folded her arms over her stomach, shivering as drops of water fell from her hair to roll in icy trails down the nape of her neck.

George cleared his throat, glancing worriedly at Meredith before turning to Derek. "Dr. Shepherd, ah…Derek… Your sister came back after you guys had left. She's in the kitchen," he shrugged awkwardly, "and wants to talk to you or something." Derek nodded as Meredith's blank expression quickly descended into something dark and uncertain. She cast a wary glance in the direction of the kitchen, afraid to face Nancy after throwing the woman's mother out of her house.

"I'm supposed to be laying down," she said quietly, her words coming out in a quick spill of sound as she pulled away from Derek.

"Okay," he agreed, eager to get her off her feet, and relieved that he hadn't had to suggest it himself. "I'll take you upstairs." He glanced back at George. "Tell Nance--"

But Meredith shook her head immediately, twisting around to face him. "No," she hissed. "No…you have to go talk to your sister."

"I will," he agreed. "After I get you in bed."

"No," she repeated, her voice balanced somewhere between urgent and annoyed. "You have to talk to her now."

"Mer," he pressed, prompting her to roll her eyes. "I don't want you to--"

"I can get upstairs fine by myself," she snapped impatiently. She cast another worried glance at the kitchen, wanting to disappear before Nancy decided to wander out into the hallway. She yanked her hand from Derek's, cutting the discussion short by starting for the stairs.

He ran a hand through his hair, holding in a frustrated sigh as he watched her walk away. "Look after her until I get there," he said to George and Izzie in an undertone. They just nodded, already moving towards Meredith.

"Not you guys too," muttered Meredith as her friends caught up with her easily, each looping an arm around her.

"Us too," said Izzie, her voice cheerful yet bellied by something Meredith couldn't quite place. It was oddly nervous. Uncertain... Maybe apologetic.

"This is ridiculous," she continued, skimming over Izzie's mood and back to her own frustrations. "I can walk up the stairs by myself."

"Probably," said George even as he tightened his grip on her. "But we're not risking it. Four hours ago you needed Shepherd to carry you, and I'm pretty sure he'll kill us if we let you so much as trip."

"Fine," Meredith relented--the one word coming out tired and grudging--knowing that, even if she protested up the whole flight, they still wouldn't let go. And they didn't. They held onto her tightly well past the staircase, shepherding her down the hall and into her bedroom.

She slumped down onto the edge of her bed, ignoring the worried glances being exchanged over her head far more successfully than she managed to ignore thinking about what was happening in the kitchen. She groaned and tried to let her mind go blank. It couldn't. Or…it wouldn't. It flat out refused to cooperate, choosing instead to fill up with choppy unsettling thoughts about Derek and his family. She just wanted to go back, to turn back time to that moment in the pantry where the world ceased to exist beyond the blue of Derek's eyes. Back to before sobbing either-or choices, to before the promise of six hellish weeks of bed rest, to before awkward silences rammed full of enough guilt to make her want to cry. She shook her head, sighing heavily, and bent forward to try to reach her feet. Her hand swiped blindly through the air, fingers searching for the heel of her shoe and missing by a good six inches. She tried again. Grabbed a hold of nothing but air. "Dammitt," she hissed--her patience already worn paper thin--before trying a third time. Again, she missed. Giving up altogether, Meredith slumped forward. She buried her head in the palms of her hands, her shoulders trembling visibly. None of this seemed anything close to fair. She had no idea what she was supposed to be feeling right now, but she'd never guessed it would feel so…messy. Her throat was slick with sobs she was somehow managing to suppress, her whole body shaking with cold from the damp clothes that clung to her. She didn't even register the voices of George and Izzie as they talked to each other in concerned whispers. Didn't hear her bedroom door opening and closing, or the sound of George's footsteps padding away down the hall. Didn't register a thing outside her own mind until Izzie knelt in front of her, reaching out wordlessly to pull off her shoes.

She lifted her head, blinking in confusion only to find Izzie already straightening up again, leaving her barefoot. Her breath was a sharp hissed intake of relief as she wiggled her toes--her feet still sore and swollen, but infinitely less pained than they had been wedged into her shoes. Izzie was being mercifully silent for a change, shuffling over to the dresser to fish out a pair of sweatpants and an old worn thermal without so much as a single intrusive question. The silence lingered on just as it had in the car, thick and complete, until Meredith started to feel that maybe it was her. Maybe she was spreading this hushed oppressive blanket over every room she entered, clamping down on vocal chords and halting the normal flow of conversation. She looked up at Izzie inquisitively, but, after meeting her gaze for a fraction of a second, Izzie quickly looked away. That same uncharacteristic nervousness that had filled her voice in the stairwell had somehow seeped into every inch of her. Something seemed off. Izzie wasn't quiet. Izzie wasn't nervous. And yet, she was.

"Come on," she prodded hesitantly, holding out the thermal, and there it was again. That wary flicker of…something not-quite-Izzie. Meredith frowned, but let it go. She simply raised her arms, letting Izzie help her out of her drenched clothing and into the dry pajamas. She was too tired to worry. Or, perhaps more accurately, she was too full of worries to tack on yet another one. Derek was still downstairs, still with Nancy discussing whatever it was she'd come back to talk to him about. Whatever it was… Right. That would be her. Her and her sudden ability to kick his mother out of his life. She groaned at the memory, grateful to find Izzie pivoting around and padding out of the room. She needed peace. She needed sleep. She needed the forgetfulness that came with it. However, just as she started to let her eyelids droop closed, the blonde returned. She carried with her a large fluffy towel, and, with another, nervous, unsettling glance, went to work drying Meredith's hair. The strands were clumped together in sleek tendrils, water pooling at the ends in thick droplets that threatened to soak her shirt. Izzie gathered her hair up effortlessly; wringing out the excess water, fussing and fidgeting with the towel. Meredith just sat there, lost in thought and quietly compliant until Izzie started muttering something to herself about going to get a hairdryer.

"Iz," she said, raising a hand to ward off further attack from the towel. "That's enough."

Izzie reluctantly lowered the towel, watching as Meredith scooted back along the length of the bed. She sunk down into the pile of pillows that led up to the headboard, her eyes closing as her body seemed to melt into the warmth of the bed. Everything hung in a perfect stillness for a moment, but then, the bed shifted, groaning beneath the stress of additional weight. Reluctantly, Meredith opened her eyes to find Izzie seated on the far side of the bed. Derek's spot. She bit down hard on her lip to cut off the fresh spurt of worries that came with the thought of him, the instant barrage of fear and doubt and plain old confusion. Instead, she stared at Izzie, watching as she smoothed out the wrinkles on the pillowcase. It was as if she were feeling desperate to fall back into her favorite roll of mothering Meredith, but kept meeting some invisible barrier. And all she could do was absently adjust the pillows; offer tiny touches like tokens of apology.

"What's wrong?" asked Meredith at last.

Izzie looked up, seeming startled out of her own thoughts. She just shook her head, offering Meredith a big, bright grin. "So, McDreamy was really great, huh?" she asked, her voice quiet and hopeful. "With the proposing and the standing up for you?" Her smile brightened even more until it was as nervous as her voice had been.

Meredith shrugged. "Yeah…really great," she said in a hoarse whisper, sounding just as displaced from her normal self as Izzie.

The two women stared at each other, as if simultaneously trying to decide whether to call the other out on skirting the truth, and both deciding against it. Izzie just went back to annihilating every single wrinkle in the pillowcase, and Meredith followed the motions with her eyes, finding them almost hypnotic.

"I'm sorry…" said Izzie at last, the words gushing out without warning. Meredith looked up, surprised to find her friend's eyes glinting dark beneath a sheen of tears.

"…What?"

"I'm sorry," repeated Izzie more urgently. "I thought," her voice trembled for a moment, and she laughed nervously as she gulped down air, "I thought I'd made you go into labor early."

Meredith just quirked an eyebrow. "Seriously? That's why you've been walking on eggshells for the past half hour?"

Izzie nodded, a single tear spilling down her cheek. She wiped it away with a hasty brush of her hand before it reached her jaw line.

"Well, you didn't," said Meredith softly, splaying her hands flat against her stomach. "I'm not in labor, so…"

"Right," managed Izzie, the sound caught somewhere between a laugh and a cough. She cast another wary glance at Meredith. Glanced down at her hands. Sucked in a deep rattling breath. "And everybody found out," she said, speaking so fast that her words ran together, becoming almost indistinguishable from each other.

"Everybody found out," echoed Meredith, trying to follow Izzie's train of thought, and not quite managing.

"That you got engaged," moaned Izzie dramatically.

"Oh, right…" Meredith shrugged, past being mad at Izzie for blurting out the news to the entire party. "Whatever, Iz. It's fine."

"Nooo…" Her voice warbled for a moment, and then quickly descended into a frantic sort of apology. It was full of enough references to the other interns to make Meredith pretty sure that they'd all laid into her after she'd left with Derek. It seemed to encompass everything; the party, Jacqueline, the proposal, the presents, the this, the that…enough so that Meredith stopped trying to follow along, and just gave Izzie's shoulder an awkward pat as she finally came to a slow, shuddering halt. "I'm sorry," Izzie repeated a final time, still teary-eyed and uncertain.

Meredith nodded, offering her a weak smile. "Thanks…" She sunk further down into the pillows, holding her breath as she held onto the hope that, now that Izzie had gotten everything she needed to say out, she would just let her be.

"Are you and Derek okay?"

No such luck. She frowned, not quite sure if the sudden pinprick of annoyance was directed at Izzie, or the question, or both. "Yeah," she muttered, the word more of a cap on the topic than an actual answer.

Izzie hesitated for a moment, her mouth opening and closing. She nodded. Slid off the bed. Shuffled her feet. "I…" she began, but promptly clamped her mouth shut yet again, still too full of apologies to press the subject. "I'll let you get some rest," she said at last. Izzie's footsteps echoed away across the room, but came to an abrupt halt in the doorway. Again, she hesitated, twisting about to glance at Meredith. She took a deep breath, her voice quiet, adding, "You're worth choosing, Mer. Stop feeling guilty about it."

Meredith just shrugged, closing her eyes and twisting onto her side, turning her back to Izzie.

-----

Derek sat at the kitchen table, his hair still damp and sticking to his neck in little irritating clumps. A mug of coffee sat in front of him, and he lifted it unceremoniously to his lips, gulping down a mouthful. It was black and burning, scalding the back of his throat as he swallowed. Flinching slightly, he set the mug down, letting his eyes flick over to his sister.

Nancy was ignoring her own mug of coffee. Instead, she twisted her rings round and round on her fingers in a nervous gesture that somehow reminded him both of Meredith and his mother. Feeling his eyes on her, she looked up, and spun her rings that much faster. "I, ah…I took mom back to the hotel," she said quietly.

Derek nodded, returning his gaze to his coffee. "I figured."

"Our flight's tomorrow morning. She wanted to leave tonight, you know, after what…" But Nancy trailed off, the memory of the evening already hanging too heavily in the air between the two of them. "Our flight's at eight," she finished at last, her voice clipped as she went back to fussing with her rings.

Derek just nodded, staring intently at the table until he felt as if every single scratch and every last stain on its surface were imprinted into his memory.

"She cried, Derek." The words came out in a rush as if she hadn't planned to disclose that fact, and was every bit as surprised to hear of it as Derek was. And he was surprised. His head jerked up immediately, seeking out his sister's eyes.

"Mom cried?"

"Yeah…" The answer was a whisper, something almost swallowed up by the hum of the refrigerator and the continual splatter of water dripping from the kitchen sink.

Derek shook his head, his own voice tinged with disbelief and sounding far away, pulled out of the faded vault of old worn memories. "She hasn't cried since…" He trailed off, coughing and shrugging his shoulders, not wanting to return to that particular memory.

"Since dad died," Nancy finished for him quietly.

"Yeah." The siblings stared at each other for a moment--their faces slack and expressionless, but their eyes shining with old shared hurts. It only lasted a second, though. Just a single second, and then Derek was falling away into something dark and scowling, his voice taking on a bitter edge. "That doesn't make it okay," he spat. "I'm not going to forgive her just like that, Nancy. Just because she finally shows a single shred of remorse. That's not how it works."

"I know," began Nancy quickly, trying to placate him. "It's just…"

"No," he snapped. "It's over. It's _done_."

"Just like that?" She laughed sadly, shaking her head. "You're…what? You're never coming home again?"

"I promised Meredith," he said thickly. "You want me to hurt her again?"

"No! I… Of course not."

"Then, no. I'm not going home again." He leaned forward, catching his head in his hands, and rubbing his face roughly against his palms. "I can't, Nance…" he mumbled, his voice muffled by his hands, yet filled with a hint of an apology. He glanced back up again, looking strangely disheveled and bleary-eyed. "Besides, I've nothing left to say to mom at this point." Derek coughed and took another long gulp from his mug. He felt tired, his body aching now that he finally could relax a little. All the tension he'd held in him at the hospital, all the sharp-edged fear over Meredith and the baby… It had faded into a dull worry, and in its place was something stressed and achy that made him just want to collapse into bed with a groan. Pull Meredith close to him so that she was a solid reassurance beneath his arms and not just a disquieting thought in the back of his mind. Just have this day be over with.

Nancy was still speaking, doing her best to relinquish her usual role of the troublemaker and the instigator, and play the part of the diplomat. But Derek was only half tuned in, letting her voice meld together into a stream of sounds, everything flowing past him until he heard Meredith's name. It jerked his head back up, pulled him right back into the conversation.

"What?" he asked, frowning, trying to figure out what was being said.

"How is she?" repeated Nancy, her frown matching her brother's. "What happened at the hospital?"

"She's…" he shrugged, shaking his head. "I don't know. She could be fine, or--" He swallowed hard, struggling to get past the sudden lump in his throat.

"Or what?"

"She could have PIH or pre-eclampsia," he recited dully, giving another fierce shake of his head. "The doctor said it's too soon to tell. She's been fine. Her blood pressure's been fine, but it was high yesterday with Addison, and it was high again tonight."

Nancy frowned, drumming her fingers absently against her mug. "How high?"

"One forty-five over ninety…"

Nancy tilted her head from side to side, her lips drawn into a thin contemplative line. "It's not great, but it could just be stress. The past two days haven't exactly been easy for her."

"No, they haven't," snapped Derek, his voice sharp and dipping back towards angry. The air seemed to hum with tension, his eyes sparking defensively, but Nancy just bit down on her lip, lowering her gaze. It was a tiny gesture, but one that he knew by now as an apology. The anger deflated straight out of him like the air let out of a balloon, and he slumped back down towards the table. "Either way, she's on bed rest," he continued dryly, shaking his head. A hint of a smile teased the corner of his mouth as he thought back to Meredith's ranting, adding, "And furious about it."

Nancy answered his smile with one of her own, reaching across the table to lay her hand over her brother's. "It's going to be fine," she said gently. He let out a short bark of laughter, the sound entirely unconvinced. "I mean it," she insisted, tightening her hold on his hand. "The longer she can keep the baby in, the better, but really, Derek? Worst case scenario?" He nodded, tilting his head towards her and listening intently, trusting his sister in a way he couldn't trust their own doctor. "Say she ends up eclamptic…"

Derek just groaned, burying his head in his hands.

"No, says she does," continued Nancy. "She's already, what? Thirty-four weeks?" He nodded. "Then they can induce her. They could've done it tonight, and chances are the baby would've been perfectly fine."

"Right…" he grunted, his hands gripping the edge of the table hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

"She's not going to lose the baby, and you're not going to lose her," promised Nancy, doing what she could to soothe away the worry that still gripped at Derek round the edges. She looked up at her younger brother, a sudden proud smile stretching across her face. "You've seen to that."

He nodded again, but didn't reply. He just stared at the table. Stared and stared…his eyes dark, clouded over with the apprehension he let build up inside himself, turning a small flicker of doubt into a mountain of fear.

Nancy got to her feet, her chair scraping against the floor as it scooted backwards. She strode over to him, her heels clacking loudly with each step. "Stop it," she urged, her voice low and insistent.

Derek just blinked, confused. "What?"

"Stop sitting down here worrying yourself sick, and _go._ Take care of her. I have a plane to catch in," she glanced over her shoulder at the glowing numbers on the microwave, "five hours, anyway."

"Yeah," agreed Derek, getting to his feet as well. He looked down at his sister, unsure of what to say; wanting to apologize for lifting himself right out of their family, and, at the same time, completely unwilling to apologize. And so he frowned. Shook his head. Ran a hand roughly through his hair. "Nancy, I'm…" he began only to trail off into another helpless shrug.

"I know," she said quietly, fiercely, reaching out and squeezing his hand once more. "I know."

And she left without another word, the door closing behind her with a chilling sense of finality. Derek took a deep breath, sucking in air as if it would somehow steady him, fix everything that seemed to be shaken up within him. It didn't. Everything still felt raw and disorganized, but he forced himself up the stairs and down the hall anyway, coming to a halt outside his bedroom.

The door was open, and all the lights were out except a single lamp. It cast the room in a pale golden glow that spilled gently over Meredith. She lay on her side with her back to him, perfectly motionless as if she were sleeping. But she wasn't. Her breathing was too faint, and the room felt too charged somehow…too full of her for her to be unconscious. Slowly, he walked further into the room, pulling the door shut behind him. He crossed over to the bed, shedding his jeans and his sweater as he went, climbing into bed in nothing more than his boxers and a faded t-shirt.

And then his arms were around her, pulling her towards him until their bodies were spooned together. "Meredith," he murmured, his voice humming against her shoulder blade as his hands splayed flat against her belly.

"Yeah?" she whispered back. The sound was more a sniffle than anything else, and Derek raised up on an elbow, suddenly realizing that she was crying. Something deep in his gut clenched, and he rubbed at her arm, feeling completely helpless.

_Go. Take care of her._

What was he supposed to do? He closed his eyes, wracking his brain. She seemed to unravel so quickly now, in a way he wasn't used to. "The baby's fine," he soothed at last, letting his hand fall back towards her stomach. "And I know you don't want to be on bed rest, but we'll get through it." He pressed his lips against her neck, breathing in the faint floral scent of her hair. "Think of all the movies you can watch. Or," a smile crept into his voice, "you can get addicted to some hideously bad soap opera. Read all the trashy magazines you want. Make me do your bidding."

Meredith laughed weakly, still sniffling. "I know," she answered, but her voice quavered even more than before, full of enough tears to make Derek's heart hurt. "It'll be fine." He clutched at her tightly, his voice growing low and husky, full of worry.

"Then why are you crying?"

She shook her head, blotting her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'm not."

Derek shifted, the bed groaning as he stirred and pulled her even closer to him. His hands roamed up the swollen curves of her body to catch hold of her hand. It was damp with tears, and he clasped it tightly between his own. "Right…" he breathed as the hand he held started to tremble. "Mer--"

And then she was twisting around on the bed to collapse against him. Her face buried against his chest and she sobbed--loud, harsh, choking sounds that made her earlier tears seem barely worth mentioning. She had one hand fisted in his hair, clinging to the dark strands as if they somehow grounded her while she fell apart. The other hand was still trapped between his larger ones, their fingers tangling together as her tears stained his shirt. And Derek pulled her closer still, until there was no space left between them. He gave up on trying to figure out how to comfort her and simply did what felt right. Their legs slid together, his wrapping over hers, and he rocked her while she cried. Her name turned into a song that fell over and over from his lips until both of them lay damp with her tears, until finally, _finally,_ Meredith quieted. Until she rested curled in Derek's arms, still and silent save from the occasional shudder that ran straight through her and into him.

"What was all that for?" he asked gently, his fingers moving absently, tracing patterns over her arm. Meredith just gave a violent shake of her head, saying nothing. Derek bit back a sigh, and instead reached over, turning off the bedside lamp. Darkness curved around them instantly. It was something velvety and complete--strangely protective. He ran his fingers through her hair. Down over her breasts. Back to her stomach to hover over their child. "Tell me," he urged.

Meredith swallowed hard, steeling herself to speak. She stared out at the indecipherable blackness surrounding them, grateful that he couldn't see the tears that had started rolling down her cheeks again. "I…" she started, her voice shaking. She trailed off as quickly as she'd begun, gulping down air like a fish yanked out of water and onto land. She felt Derek nod, his chin bumping gently against the back of her head, waiting for her to continue. Meredith screwed her eyes shut as if the darkness still wasn't dark enough, still wasn't safe enough. "I'm sorry I made you choose," she whispered. "I shouldn't have… She's your mother, and I need-- I need to learn to accept her." Her voice wavered again--still ripe with tears--and she dropped away into silence.

"No," blurted Derek, her words making his gut tighten up in fear, finally understanding why he'd done what he'd done himself. "You do _not _need to learn that," he said fiercely. He shifted so that he could feel the steady thump of her heartbeat through her back, his voice growing low and determined. "To accept being treated like that just because she's my mother? No, it's not happening, Meredith."

"But it's your family," she moaned, unconvinced. "I shouldn't have asked you to do--"

"I offered to," he interrupted.

"I still shouldn't have," she continued, shaking her head. "And don't tell me it's okay because you have me and the baby. That's different, and," she shrugged, her voice growing incredulous, "you can't just cut your family out of your life like that!"

"Mer--"

"No, you need to talk to her," insisted Meredith almost frantically, her fingers worrying at the clasp of his watch. "You need to fix this. Tell her I take it back. Tell her it's because I'm pregnant and hormonal and," she sniffled, "crazy right now."

"Not telling her that, Mer," he mumbled. He chuckled slightly, adding, "Even if you are pregnant and hormonal and crazy right now."

"Derek, I'm serious," said Meredith, her voice taking on a desperate whine.

"So am I," he said simply.

She shuddered, but didn't answer. The room seemed to grow darker still.

"What are you afraid of?" he coaxed, his lips brushing against her ear as he spoke, his words low and hushed. She stayed quiet, nothing more than a tiny trembling weight curled against his chest. "You stood up for yourself," he continued, feeling as if he were stumbling along blind, trying to find out what was bothering her by latching onto possibilities at random. "I'm not mad at you for doing it. _I _should've done it the moment she showed up." Meredith just sniffled, wrapping her arms tightly about herself. "Talk to me," pleaded Derek.

She swallowed hard, her nails digging into the flesh of his arm. "What happens when you wake up one day, and you miss your family, and you realize that it's my fault?"

"It's not your fault."

"Derek, what happens?" she insisted. He heaved a sigh, trying to figure out how to answer her. "You resent me. That's what happens," continued Meredith, not waiting for him to reply. "And then-- And then you…" She trailed off, her voice rapidly disintegrating into a shaky whisper.

"And then what?" asked Derek, his voice as hushed as hers.

"And then you leave me."

Her voice was barely audible, but it was loud enough to cut straight through him, and fill his eyes with something that stung an awful lot like tears. He clutched at her reflexively, shaking his head. "No," he said thickly. "I'm not going to leave you. Just… _No._"

Meredith seemed to relax a little at his words, but she still held his arm in a death grip. "You might," she said, and her voice was tinged with doubt.

"Come on," said Derek gently, cradling her against him. He cleared his throat, not sure how many times she needed to hear it, but willing to say it until she believed. "I love you, and that is not going to go away. _I'm _not going to go away. Okay?"

"Okay," she whispered back, her head tilting to rest against his shoulder. She could either keep falling, or she could believe him. Maybe it was the exhaustion or maybe it was something else entirely. All she knew was that, for once, it seemed easier to just believe. "Okay…" She could feel Derek smiling at her answer, his hands dancing lightly over her body before settling just as they always seemed to, over the roundest part of her stomach. She chewed on her lower lip, forcing out a final question rather than giving in and letting the warmth of his body lull her to sleep. "What about your mother?"

Derek sighed, but the sound wasn't frustrated, just thoughtful. "I'm not apologizing," he said at last. "You're not apologizing. Not for any of this. But," he pressed a kiss to her shoulder blade, "I'll listen to her. If she really wants to apologize, I'll at least listen, alright?"

"Alright…"

"But you have to promise me, no pretending to be okay about her if you're not. She has to fix things with you before anything else can happen, and if she tries to, and you still don't want to have to deal with her? You don't have to. No resenting."

"No resenting," Meredith echoed, a smile creeping into her voice.

"None."

"Well," she murmured, finally sounding somewhat close to happy. She twisted about in his arms, her fingers winding through his hair. "Sounds like you've got yourself a deal, Dr. Shepherd."

"Yeah?" he asked, tilting his head to the side to capture her lips with his.

"Yeah," breathed Meredith. She moved slowly down his jaw line until she reached his neck, her mouth warm and wet against his skin. Derek moaned, his hands raking through her hair as she shifted closer, her body pressing hard up against his.

Derek groaned. Coughed. Pulled away slightly. "Just how long do I have before you start rubbing in the fact that we're not allowed to have sex?"

"About ten seconds," whispered Meredith before burying her face in the crook of his neck, dissolving rapidly into giggles.

-----

_And yeah, that was that. It was a lot about Meredith dealing with feeling guilty about forcing Derek to choose between her and his mother because it was very much a heat of the moment thing to even bring that choice up. And, even though the woman's been horrible to her, even though Derek brought the possibility up in the first place, she feels guilty for making him actually follow through on that. Because it's his family, and Meredith has a lot of issues when it comes to families, particularly mothers. So yep, that's about it. I'm being very non-rambling tonight. But, the story is getting close to ending. You can actually count the remaining chapters on one hand. Which, I think I might have said before, but it's actually true this time. So, yay for that, I suppose. Anyway, thanks so much for reading and for putting up with my very, very bad updater behavior!_


	35. Return to Innocence

_So, I managed to get this chapter written a little faster than the previous one. I've finally gotten somewhat over that horrid travesty of a finale. At least, enough to be able to get back to writing fic. Writing happy Mer/Der is sorta like therapy in a way… Anyway, this chapter moves forward a few weeks in time. Thanks again to everyone who's been taking the time to review, I really appreciate it. And yeah, enjoy the update!_

_-----_

Jacqueline paced down the length of the pavement, her heels pounding out a steady rhythm of clicks and clacks as she moved. She paused when she reached the end of the block, tilting her head back to glance up at the sky. It was an expanse of muted gray overhead, echoing the dingy plane of cement beneath her feet. A sigh escaped her, dwindling away into the distant hum of traffic, and Jacqueline forced her gaze back down towards the ground. She could do this. She _had _to do this. She picked up her pace as if that would make things easier. Walked faster and faster until her heels produced an angry blur of sound. Even so, it took another four lengths around the block before she finally stalled in front of the familiar house. She pursed her lips at the sight of it, just able to make out the fuzzy glow of a television set through the large front window. Instinctively, she took a step back, turning away to dig through the contents of her large leather handbag. Fingers closing tightly around the slick compact body of her cell phone, she pulled it out and dialed the number Nancy had given her. She knew it was pointless to call. Knew well before the first ring. She'd called over and over the past three weeks, only to be sent straight to voicemail every time save one. That one time he had answered, he'd sounded gruff and distant--nothing like her son. He had barked out something about not having time for her and whatever the hell it was that she was trying to pull now. That he needed to focus on Meredith, and that really, he had nothing to say to her after how she'd treated the women he loved. And then he'd hung up. Without a goodbye--without giving her so much as a chance to explain herself. Just an abrupt end to the conversation…if it could even be called a conversation, one sided as it had been. Jacqueline blinked rapidly at the memory, pressing the phone that much harder against her ear. She was done crying, hadn't cried since that first night Derek had thrown her out. Still, the corners of her eyes prickled at the memory. It was difficult for her to decide if she was more appalled by the long hour she'd spent sobbing bitterly into a hotel pillow--Nancy in the background, alternating between berating her and trying to comfort her--or by everything that had come both before and after that moment. Either way, it left her with a sick hollow feeling as if all of her organs had somehow been removed, only to be replaced with water--icy cold and churning against the emptiness within her. She had to fix this. She had to try. She'd spent three weeks living with a devastating void that she thought was regret. It was something sucking and empty just beneath her lungs, and she didn't want to even try to imagine a lifetime of it. No. It had to be fixed.

And yet, she couldn't help but try, couldn't help but want to keep the house at a distance for a little while longer. If Derek would just answer the damn phone, she could handle this. She could catch another cab over to that hospital. It was midday, she couldn't imagine him being anywhere else. And if she could just talk to him… Just get a chance to talk… Jacqueline wasn't a woman who apologized often. The words had a way of getting stuck somewhere in her throat, or of simply refusing to even form in the first place. But to Derek, she could apologize. She'd beg if she had to in order to get him to listen. Of course, he'd have to pick up the phone in the first place for that to happen. Eventually, it simply clicked over to voicemail. The ringing in her ears was replaced by the low friendly tone of her son's voice, requesting the caller to please leave a message. It bared no resemblance to the way he'd spoken to her last--a bitter angry rush of words--and only deepened the hollow void she felt in her chest. Sighing, Jacqueline hung up, dropping the phone unceremoniously back into the depths of her bag.

She was left with nothing else to do but face the house looming in front of her, and the woman she was almost certain was somewhere within. Jacqueline craned her neck forward, trying to catch a glimpse of Meredith through the large window, and failing. All she could see was a shape that she thought was the back of the couch, and the flickering glow of a television screen. She heaved another sigh--heavy sounding and thick with frustration--forcing herself up the first step towards the door. She could do this. Another step. Just apologize… Two more steps, her hand gripped the railing. It couldn't be that hard. She cleared the final step up onto the porch. To Meredith.

She could apologize to Meredith.

But Jacqueline's feet stalled then. A good three feet of the porch still spanned the space between her outstretched arm and the doorbell. And she was frozen. A thin, high-pitched whirring sound hissed out through her teeth as her arm slapped back down against her side. She frowned at herself. She was being stupid, ridiculous, childish. Her internal thoughts built up into some sort of angry, shouting thing--urging her forward with an inaudible roar--and yet her feet stayed rooted to the ground. Her mind balked at the idea of apologizing to that girl, that-- No… Somehow, she managed to clamp down on the thought, forcing herself to replay the litany of good things Nancy had told her, the things she'd seen with her own eyes and tried to stuff away and forget.

She could do this. She could get along with Meredith Grey. She could apologize.

_She could. She could. She could._

It was becoming some sort of painful mantra; twisting its way through her like barbed wire snaked in one ear and out the other. Jacqueline turned away from the door for a moment, rooting through her purse until her hand clamped down around her wallet. And then she was yanking it out and unclasping it, moving past her credit cards and her checkbook to flip through the photos collected at the back. Her children teased her about it, told her that that little touch was far too grandmotherly for her. She didn't mind. A soft smile crossed her face as she leafed her way through all of them, taking in the faces of fourteen smiling boys and girls. In age they ran the gamut from three to seventeen, and she forgot the tense unease filling her as her finger skimmed gently over each face, making her way towards the very last picture. Fourteen grandchildren. Fourteen, and there was going to be a fifteenth soon enough. There might already be one for all she knew. That was supposed to mean a call from Derek--his voice rich with excitement and pride as he told her just how many pounds and ounces her granddaughter weighed, a trip out to see the baby, another picture for her wallet. She didn't expect Meredith to want her help the way her own daughters had, but there was supposed to be a fifteenth picture.

She took the last few steps towards the door, forcing an arm out, her thumb coming down hard against the bell. There _had _to be a fifteenth picture.

-----

Meredith lay on the couch, a quiet snort escaping past her lips as she stared at the television. She'd taken to amusing herself by watching General Hospital--comparing it to life at Seattle Grace, keeping long mental tallies of all the medical inaccuracies, hoping it would somehow squelch the burning desire she felt to be back at work already. It didn't seem to be helping. As the show cut to a commercial break, her mind switched straight back to the hospital, trying to decide exactly what she'd be doing if she were at work. She felt a little too much like Cristina, laying there fantasizing about getting to scrub in on a subdural hematoma. A ruptured saccular aneurysm. Even an appendectomy. Hell, she'd take sutures in the pit right about now. Sighing wistfully, she turned back to the plate that lay propped up by her swollen stomach, snatching a bite of a greasy slice of pizza. Her whole world seemed to have been reduced to food and TV and trashy magazines. The low table in front of her was covered with snacks. Some were normal--chips, the rest of the pizza, a giant bottle of water. But some--her gaze flitted over to the chocolate bar she'd been dipping into a jar of mustard--were…not so normal. Scattered in with the snacks were the magazines with their bright glossy photos and headlines screaming gossip. A few issues of The New England Journal of Medicine lay amongst them for good measure, but, despite her desire to be back at work, Meredith couldn't seem to get her mind to focus enough to make sense of the articles. She felt sluggish and tired, finding it easier to read about celebrity baby drama than the pros and cons of surgery versus endoscopy when treating chronic pancreatitis. Wrinkling her nose at herself, Meredith let her eyelids droop shut, only to have them fly open again as the ring of the doorbell cut through the gentle hum of voices coming from the television.

Meredith reached up, moving the plate off her stomach to set it on top of a stack of magazines on the table. She swung her feet off the couch and onto the floor, slowly sitting up. Twisting around, she glowered in the direction of the front door before pushing herself to her feet with a groan. Her hands moved absently to adjust the mess of a ponytail she'd piled her hair into that morning as she made her way towards the hall. Her curiosity peaked slightly as she tried to remember if either Izzie or George got off early today, and had somehow managed to forget their keys. Or if Alex or Cristina were coming over once again on their lunch break to check on her. She rolled her eyes, deciding it couldn't be Derek. He worried too much, and--even if he'd found a way to lose his key--she figured he'd sooner climb in through a window than cause her get up off the couch. Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, she reached out for the doorknob with the other, unable to come up with any further possibilities for who could be standing on the other side.

Her jaw dropped when she found herself face to face with Derek's mother. Jacqueline stood on the porch, looking calm save for the nervous, jerky movements of her fingers as she fiddled with the clasp on her handbag. Her eyes widened slightly at the sight of Meredith, almost as if she hadn't expected her to actually answer the door. Meredith just leaned against the doorframe, blinking, her mind completely unable to string together any form of greeting. His mother was back. Jacqueline Shepherd was once again standing there looking perfect while she opened the door in yet another pair of rolled up sweatpants and a shirt she'd stolen from Derek. The fog that seemed to settle over her mind whenever she tried to get any studying done came rolling back in, leaving her feeling as if she couldn't even think. All she could do was gape--nothing more. They stared at each other in silence for what felt like an excruciatingly long moment before Jacqueline ducked her head slightly and cleared her throat.

"Hello…Meredith," she began. Her voice was tinged with an unfamiliar hesitancy that left Meredith frowning in confusion. "I, well… I--"

"Derek's at work right now," Meredith blurted out, her grip on the doorknob tightening.

Jacqueline just shook her head, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "No, I wanted to talk to you," she replied, her voice as crisp and manicured as every despite the apprehension that seemed to be woven into every word. "If that's alright…?" Jacqueline flicked at her wedding rings with her thumb, worrying them back and forth around her finger. She seemed to be waiting for some sort of reply, but Meredith remained silent, doing nothing more than quirking an eyebrow. When the lack of conversation started to twist into something stifling and awkward, Jacqueline cleared her throat. She swallowed hard as if to force away a sudden lump. "I want to…apologize to you," she managed at last.

"You want to apologize to me?" echoed Meredith, her voice skeptical.

"Yes."

Meredith nodded slowly, almost imperceptibly. "I'm on bed rest," she said abruptly. "I've got to go sit back down." With no further warning, she turned away from the older woman, walking back towards the front room. However, she left the door wide open--a gaping entry into the house. After a moment of hesitation, Jacqueline forced herself across the threshold. She closed her eyes, steeling her resolve. _She could do this. _Closing the door behind her, she made her way over to where Meredith was sitting on the couch.

Meredith looked up uncertainly as the sharp click of Jacqueline's heels announced her arrival. She wasn't sure what she was doing, why she'd let her in, why she hadn't just slammed the door in her face, but...it was too late for that now. Reluctantly, she reached for the remote and turned off the TV. She could do this, she promised herself. For Derek…she could listen to this woman's apology. For Derek… She smiled at the thought of him. For the past three weeks, he'd been nothing short of perfect. She was miserable stuck at home, and yet…he somehow made it bearable. He would come home after putting in a good twelve hours at the hospital, and wordlessly drop off a new stack of DVDs and magazines on the couch for her to discover in the morning. He'd taken to texting her throughout the day, sending her messages so inappropriate that she'd laugh out loud, momentarily forgetting how fat and sore she felt. And the one time she'd sat there on the phone, going on and on to the nurse about how it was an emergency and she had to be put through to Dr. Shepherd despite the fact that he was in surgery, only to tell him that she was desperately craving pickles and strawberry cream cheese… He hadn't complained. Hadn't pointed out that it was _slightly _inconvenient to be interrupted with a request for food while in the middle of a man's brain. He'd simply laughed and said okay, and somehow managed to squeeze in a trip to the grocery store between surgeries. He'd been perfect, and it left her feeling a little dazed and guilty at times. But mostly, it just left her feeling happy. She reached up absently to brush at her bangs, only to have her thoughts interrupted by Jacqueline's soft gasp of surprise.

"He got you a ring."

"Huh? Oh, right…" Meredith pulled her hand in front of her, smiling despite herself at the sight of her engagement ring sparkling brightly in the light. "Yes," she agreed quietly. "He did."

"It's lovely," ventured Jacqueline, leaning forward slightly to inspect the diamond. Meredith quirked an eyebrow, momentarily uncertain whether the remark was meant as sarcasm or a compliment. But Jacqueline's voice didn't cut the way it had before, and--despite the confusion that drummed up in her--she decided the woman was being sincere. "Really lovely," repeated Jacqueline, her voice no more than a quiet murmur. She sat there staring as if transfixed by the ring--reality finally solidifying into something undeniable for her. The process had started the moment her own son had thrown her out for the sake of a woman he'd known for less than a year. But, faced with the sight of Meredith sitting in front of her, nine months pregnant with her son's ring on her finger and his child inside her, it became something she couldn't ignore. Derek was marrying Meredith. Her son had made his choice, his family, and…she could either accept that and try to fix things, or find herself forgotten.

Meredith just nodded, her hand drifting down to rest over her stomach. She shifted uncomfortably as Jacqueline continued to stare at the ring--seemingly lost in thought--and finally cleared her throat expectantly.

Jacqueline's head jerked up, her blue eyes as piercing as ever, but bellied by something awkward. Something almost unsteady. "Ah," she began, clasping her hands together. "Why are you on bed rest? Is everything okay?"

"Oh…yeah," said Meredith absently, nodding once more. "It's nothing. I have PIH."

Jacqueline just looked at her in polite confusion.

"High blood pressure because of the baby," she elaborated with a wave of her hand. "But it's actually been getting better since the doctor made me start resting all the time, which is hell, but…" She trailed off, suddenly frowning and shaking her head. "Never mind," she continued abruptly. "You don't have to do the thing."

"The thing?" echoed Jacqueline, puzzled.

"Yeah, the thing," repeated Meredith, rolling her eyes. "Talk, ask questions, pretend you care."

"I'm not," stammered Jacqueline, taken aback. "I was just--"

"I think the fact that we don't like each other has been pretty well established."

Jacqueline paused, impressed despite herself by the girl's bluntness. It seemed completely at odds with the meek uncertainty, the hesitancy, the deer in the headlights manner that had marked their first meeting. It was a toned down echo of that same forceful Meredith who'd stood there and told Derek he had to choose--the gasping and the tears having been replaced by a quiet sort of confidence. And it was starting to grow on her. Jacqueline was surprised to find herself smiling, giving an appreciative little nod of her head. There was no point in denying the statement after the way she'd acted on her first visit. Instead, steeling herself with another deep breath, she dove straight into the heart of the matter.

"I miss my son," she said simply. "I've missed him ever since he moved out here and," her voice grew disapproving, "decided to stop calling, but…" She paused, shaking her head. Her eyes locked with Meredith's. "I don't want to miss him forever."

Meredith shifted uncomfortably--lifting her feet up onto the table--not quite sure of how to answer. "I'm not going to stand between you and Derek," she said at last. "If that's what you're asking… What I said at the party," she bit her lip, giving a slight shrug of her shoulders, "well, we've talked since then. He's perfectly free to do whatever he likes, the whole family thing…whatever that is. I don't care."

"Oh…" The word came out as a slight gasp. The ultimatum had been lifted, and yet her son was choosing to act as if it hadn't. She pursed her lips together, trying to hide her astonishment, trying to hide the twisting feeling that grabbed at her heart. "Right." Her voice was unusually soft, and Meredith was staring at her, her green eyes wide with confusion and a sort of vague curiosity.

"So we're good then?" she asked, her hand drifting slightly towards the remote.

"No," Jacqueline blurted out, fiercely earnest. "No," she repeated, the word mutating into a tired sigh. "He won't talk to me. He won't give me a chance to apologize." She glanced down at her lap, fidgeting with her rings. Her posture was rigid and her expression as severe as ever, everything within her revolting against the idea of laying her weaknesses flat out in front of Meredith. Gritting her teeth together harshly, she cleared her throat, and forced herself to keep talking. "He's ignored all my calls but one, and he answered only to tell me that he wanted nothing to do with me after how I--" She stopped speaking abruptly, her voice again catching in her throat. Glancing away, she suddenly seemed to develop an intense interest in the cover of the nearest magazine. She could do this. She _had_ to"After what happened." Jacqueline forced the words out at last--her eyes boring into the magazine--sounding almost robotic.

Meredith stayed silent, her gaze drifting down to her belly as her child shifted within her, dealing her a particularly heavy kick. She frowned softly, her hand moving to rub the strained wall of her stomach.

Jacqueline still appeared to be scrutinizing every last square inch of the tabletop, everything about her seeming strained, uncomfortable. She cleared her throat again, forcing herself to swallow her pride and look at Meredith. "And he's right," she said quietly as their eyes locked. "I need to, well…like I said, I'm apologizing. To you."

She fell silent, waiting for some sort of reply. And again, she found herself filling with astonishment as Meredith's expression suddenly became one of equal parts understanding and amusement. "Oh," she laughed, nodding her head. The sound was infectious and she quirked an eyebrow, her green eyes sparking. "This is your grand gesture thing. Flying out to apologize to me." She smirked and glanced back down at her stomach. "You get Derek better than I thought."

"So do you," admitted Jacqueline, once again finding herself reluctantly impressed by the young woman. The words came out much less grudgingly than she'd expected. She studied Meredith's face, hoping that she was finally getting somewhere with her. But, although she was smiling slightly, she already seemed to be folding back into herself--recoiling exquisitely from the possibility of forming any sort of connection. "He loves you," continued Jacqueline, and the quiet smile that lingered around Meredith's lips seemed to leap straight into her eyes, brightening her entire face. "You love each other." The words came slowly, almost as if she were just realizing the truth in them. "That should've been enough. It _is _enough, and I tried to pretend it wasn't."

Meredith frowned, reaching up to wind a strand of her hair tightly around her finger, fussing at the strands with the pad of her thumb. Again, she found herself dipping into something puzzled and uncertain; at a loss when it came to dealing with the woman's confession. She toyed with the idea of just walking away with some half-assed excuse--cutting things off before they got too intense, too personal--but that, well… That would involve getting up. She wrinkled her nose at her swollen stomach, not yet uncomfortable enough to force herself to struggle to her feet. Still, she remained silent, and Jacqueline felt the muscles spanning from the back of her neck to her shoulders tensing up in fear. It was intimidating, unnerving, and yet…entirely unintentional. Meredith simply looked at her, oblivious to the woman's sudden nerves.

"It's just…he's changed so much," Jacqueline blurted out, apprehension serving to send one of her own walls crumbling down. "And I wanted to blame it on you…" Meredith quirked an eyebrow at that, curious. Jacqueline sighed, "I don't-- I don't believe in divorce." She smiled sadly, her lips a thin little line. "I thought I'd raised Derek to feel the same way. Maybe that makes me foolish and old-fashioned. Uptight…" She trailed off, her slender shoulders giving a graceful little shrug. Her gaze drifted from Meredith down to her own clasped hands, moving to fidget with her wedding rings. The gesture seemed almost indulgent somehow, and her eyes grew distant, wistful. "My husband died over thirty years ago, and I've never taken them off," she said when she noticed Meredith watching her.

"You never wanted to remarry? Never got lonely?" asked Meredith quietly, the questions slipping out before she could stop herself.

Jacqueline glanced back up, the fierce blue of her eyes suddenly muted, growing softer, sadder. "Oh…" The word slipped out like a sigh. "I got lonely. I wanted to fall in love again, but…I had five children, and I believe…" She seemed to pull away slightly, no longer speaking to Meredith but to the deep well of her own memory. "No, I _know _that when you fall in love with the right person, that's it. You're ruined. Anyone after pales in comparison." Her voice grew softer still, to the point where the very sounds seemed to ache, saying, "That was Nathaniel Michael Shepherd for me, and…" She sighed, pulling herself back to the present as her eyes locked with Meredith's once more. "I thought that was Addison for Derek. I wanted to believe that he'd married the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. They used to be so happy, and I thought he was being rash…throwing that all away. That you'd seduced him." Meredith stiffened slightly, but Jacqueline held up a hand. "You're young. His intern, even. And this is all so fast. I thought you--" She pursed her lips together, shaking her head. "But, I was wrong. You're that person for him, the love of his life… I know you are. He couldn't have done what he did. Wouldn't have chosen if…" Jacqueline trailed off with a shake of her head; something deep within her changing, something tightly coiled and twisted finally starting to relax.

Meredith looked away in the silence that followed, uncomfortable. Her tongue darted nervously out over her lower lip, unsure of how to respond.

Jacqueline cleared her throat, surprised to find it was no struggle to get out the apology she'd internally revolted against. "I just want to say that I'm sorry, Meredith. I was rude to you and judged you, and…I'm sorry."

"Thank you." She spoke quietly--the words just slipping out--her voice soft and delicate. It was little more than a whisper; still unsettled by the woman in front of her despite the fact that she found herself believing what she heard. It was too much, too confusing after everything that had happened at the party. It was like trying to build a house after the foundation had already been broken beyond repair. And so she sat clamped down in silence as if in an act of self-preservation. She looked at Jacqueline, her uncertainty written plainly in her eyes.

"So," asked Jacqueline lightly, speaking just as the seconds started to grow into something long and torturous. "Are you excited about the baby?" She glanced down at Meredith's swollen stomach, which strained noticeably even against the looser fabric of Derek's shirt. "You've got to be due almost any day now, right?"

Meredith just blinked. "Excuse me?"

"The baby looks like it's already dropped," she elaborated, trying to remember if she'd been told the exact due date before.

"No, I heard what you asked," said Meredith flatly, drawing back a little. "What are you _doing?_"

"What am I doing?" echoed Jacqueline, her expression morphing into a puzzled frown. "I'm talking to you. You're going to be my daughter-in-law after all. I know we got off to a bad start, but I thought maybe we could be friends?"

Meredith stared at her blankly, her mouth gaping open slightly. She shook her head, feeling suddenly stifled, something panicky swelling within her. "I'm marrying Derek, yes. But we're," she gestured between them with a flick of her wrist, "we're not family. And we can't be friends. I can't… I'm," she shook her head, "I'm sorry. I just can't." She spoke rapidly, nervously, hauling herself to her feet at the same time.

Jacqueline stared at her, taken aback by the abrupt change in the young woman just as she'd started to warm up to the concept of Meredith Grey as the wife of her son. "Okay," she agreed meekly. "I just--"

Meredith shook her head, filled with a sudden desperate need for an escape. "I'm sorry, but I have to go," she continued, thinking frantically. "I have a thing… I have, um…a doctor's appointment," she decided at last. Jacqueline got to her feet as well, recognizing the words as her cue to leave.

"I won't hold you up," she said, clacking her way briskly towards the front door. "My flight's in a few hours anyway."

"Oh?" asked Meredith, relief slipping unintentionally into her voice.

"Yes," Jacqueline said. Her eyes darkened until they looked sad and uncertain, her wrinkled hand moving needlessly over her sleekly styled hair to give a nervous pat to the knot it had been twisted into; everything about her at odds with the way she'd first appeared to Meredith. "I wasn't exactly sure of my welcome," she said. And while her voice was still clipped, still proper and manicured, it descended suddenly into something pleading and desperate. "Will you tell Derek I say hello?"

Meredith started to frown--hanging silent in uncertainty.

"Please…?" begged Jacqueline, and that one word was so full of the fear of loss that Meredith found herself nodding her head immediately.

"I'll talk to him."

-----

Meredith wandered absently around the surgical floor of the hospital. After Jacqueline had left, she'd settled back down on the couch for a few minutes only to find she couldn't keep still. Their conversation kept replaying in her mind, kept confusing her, kept filling her with a medley of varying emotions until she felt that she was about to pull her hair out in frustration. And so she'd decided to use her own excuse, guiltily leaving the comfort of the couch to drive herself to the hospital. The busy familiarity of the place filled her with a sharp sense of relief, and she wandered about aimlessly, hoping to find one of her friends.

"Hey!" called out a familiar voice, and Meredith turned around to see Cristina emerging from a patient's room, chart in one hand and a pen in the other. "What are you doing here?" she asked as she made her way over. "Doctor's appointment?"

"No," muttered Meredith sheepishly, following her over to the nurses' station. "Avoiding Derek's mother."

Cristina quirked an eyebrow, looking up from the chart. "The wicked witch of the east?"

Meredith sighed, leaning heavily against the counter. "The one and only."

"Seriously? She flew out here again?" Meredith nodded, and Cristina's eyes darkened with concern though her voice remained teasing. "Want me to go beat her up for you?"

"No," said Meredith dismissively, rolling her eyes. "I don't need you to beat her up for me." She hesitated, chewing on her lower lip as her expression grew uncertain. "She apologized. Said she wants us to be friends, which is just…" She trailed off, once again balking internally at the idea.

"Wait. She completely trashes you, and then decides she wants to be _friends_?" Cristina's voice was sharply skeptical and dripping with sarcasm. "How touching."

"Yeah…" Meredith frowned, propping her chin up with a fist. "She said she misjudged me, and that she sees that Derek and I are in _looove…" _She let the last word drag out, over-exaggerating the vowel only to conclude with a snort. She shrugged her shoulders, adding, "I think she just wants to be sure she gets to play grandma. Dress my baby up in some hideous couture onesie. Whatever… She's apologized. We can coexist peacefully on rare occasions."

"Oh yeah?" interjected Cristina, her eyes sparking with amusement. "Like what?"

Meredith chewed on her lip, growing thoughtful. "Like the wedding, I suppose," she decided at last.

Cristina just snorted. "And Christmas? Thanksgiving? Umm, Easter?" She listed them off on her fingers, grinning wickedly. "Every year?"

"Oh I don't do holidays," snapped Meredith. She glared at her friend, suddenly reaching over and snatching the chart from her grasp. "Cardiomyopathy," she announced as she scanned the first page. "This I can do." Cristina frowned, holding out a hand for her chart. Meredith just backed away from the nurses' station, laughing as she propped the chart up on her stomach instead and continued reading.

"You really have gotten huge," observed Cristina. "Like an SUV."

Meredith frowned and looked up from the chart. "More like a beached whale," she muttered.

"Whatever. Give me back my chart."

"No," said Meredith flatly. "You just compared me to a car. I get to read the chart."

"That's not a bad thing," Cristina rationalized. "Guys like cars just as much as sex." Meredith let out a laugh, her eyes bright as she flicked to the next page.

"Interesting," she mused, backing away a few more steps.

"Are you actually trying to steal my patient?" asked Cristina incredulously, pushing away from the nurses' station to walk over to her.

"Cristina, I'm fifty-two years pregnant here, and on bed rest. How could I _possibly_ steal your patient?"

"Right, bed rest," said Cristina slowly, smirking. "Where's your bed?"

"That's just what I want to know," interrupted a voice from behind them, causing both women to whirl around, their expressions instantly guilty as they turned to face their boss.

"Oh, I'm not here," stammered Meredith, quickly shoving the chart back into Cristina's hands.

"Then how come I'm looking right at you?" demanded Bailey, hands moving to her hips.

Meredith blinked, her cheeks flushing. "Umm…that's a good question," she stalled. "A very good question _with _an answer. And the answer is that I'm just-- I'm…" She shook her head, glancing helplessly at Cristina. "I need to…?"

"She needs to see Derek," Cristina blurted out.

"Yes, Derek!" agreed Meredith, latching onto the idea. "I need to, ah… Dr. Shepherd," she amended as Bailey simply scowled up at her. "I need to see Dr. Shepherd."

"Because that's his baby," observed Cristina helpfully, grinning as she tilted her head towards Meredith's stomach.

"I'm not a fool, Yang. I know that's his baby. Even if I didn't know, that wouldn't last long. The man can't seem to talk about anything else."

Meredith grinned despite herself. "I need to see Derek," she repeated quietly, her quick excuse morphing into a genuine desire.

"You need to be at home resting," countered Bailey. "That's what you need."

"Is he in surgery?" Meredith pressed, her voice hopeful. Bailey's expression darkened into a scowl, and her two interns shuffled backwards a few steps. "I could sit in the gallery," continued Meredith hastily. "_With _my feet up." She grinned guiltily, her eyes wide and pleading.

"He's in surgery," said Bailey dryly, giving a shake of her head.

"OR three," Cristina volunteered. "I can take her there. Make sure she doesn't give birth in an elevator."

"You can go take care of your patients," countered Bailey, her voice rising dangerously. "Before I take them all away and put you on scut."

"I… Or I can do that," stammered Cristina guiltily. She nodded her head, shooting Meredith an apologetic look. "Right away, um, Mer--"

"You're going," interrupted Bailey.

"I'm going," came the quick scurried reply as she turned and disappeared down the hall.

Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat, growing apprehensive as her boss's attention returned to her. "I could just sit in the gallery," she tried again, desperate to avoid returning to the loneliness and boredom of her house, to the racing thoughts about Derek's mother. "I could learn a lot by observing."

"You could also be at home resting. You're about to have a baby."

"I'm still a surgeon," Meredith blurted out. The words came rushing past her lips fierce and determined, yet every syllable was a question.

Bailey hesitated, halfway to just sending her intern home. But there was something desperate lurking beneath the pale green of Meredith's eyes. Something begging for reassurance. "Fine," she said at last. "Go, but you sit down and you _stay _there."

Meredith's face blossomed into a smile, relief rushing forward to replace the worry in her eyes. "Thank you, Dr. Bailey," she said.

Bailey frowned but nodded her head. "And you're feet had better be up in a damn chair the whole time," she shouted after Meredith as her intern made her way towards the ORs.

The gallery was completely empty for a change, and Meredith found a seat in the front row. She rolled her eyes at herself, but pulled another chair around, propping her feet up on it. Her gaze swung straight to Derek. A smile played across her lips as she watched him work; the sight of him at the head of the table always doing something to thrill her. As she stared, her mind drifted back to months ago…replaying the memory of waiting in the very same gallery, trying to work up the nerve to tell him that she was pregnant, only to be scared off by his wife. And _now_… She glanced down at the ring on her hand, giving a slight shake of her head in disbelief. As her attention drifted back to the OR floor, Meredith found Derek glancing up to see her sitting there, his eyes instantly filling with concern. She just shook her head, smiling reassuringly, but the worry scrawled plainly across what little of his face was visible beneath the mask hardly lessened at all.

He glanced up at her continually throughout the remainder of the surgery, and, as soon as he could, stepped back and told a resident to close. With a final glance up at Meredith--his eyes still deep wells of concern--he motioned for her to stay where she was. She rolled her eyes, but gave a slight nod of her head as he strode away to scrub out.

Derek seemed to make it up to the gallery in record time, his hands still slightly damp as he slumped down into a chair himself, leaning over to kiss her.

"Mer, what are you doing here?" he asked, puzzled and worried. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I feel fine. Well…" she wrinkled her nose, "enormous, but fine. I just needed an escape." She flashed him yet another reassuring smile, but he was still watching her intently, scooting closer to her. His hand brushed over her stomach, his fingers locking with hers.

"You're sure? Because this is definitely not laying down in bed…" He frowned, shaking his head. "Did you drive here? You could've called me, you know. I--"

"Derek!" Meredith interrupted, her voice a peal of laughter. "I'm sitting down. Resting, even. I've got my feet up. It's all very relaxed." She smiled brightly up at him as she gestured towards the chairs. Her eyes were warm and mischievous, and Derek found he was grinning despite himself.

"I can see that," he agreed.

"Yes, and…" she leaned closer to him, dropping her voice to a heavy whisper. "When I go home again, I'll take a very long nap." She let one eyelid slide into a slow wink, adding, "Just for you."

Derek laughed aloud, shifting to put his arm around her. "Just for me?" he echoed.

"Yeah…" Her voice dwindled away into a sound caught somewhere between a sigh and a yawn, and she tilted her head down to rest against his shoulder. "Do you have to run off to another surgery right away?" she murmured, the question barely above a whisper.

He leaned forward, kissing the top of her head. "Nope."

"Good," Meredith sighed, letting her eyes close. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Derek watching her fondly as she rested against him. One hand played absently with the messy strands of her hair while the other stayed in place above her stomach. Without warning, she jolted back up, catching him off guard as she turned to look at him. "I saw your mother today," she stated.

Derek blanched. "What…?" he croaked, his voice hoarse with disbelief. "You're joking, right?"

Meredith just shook her head, her lips pursed together.

"She…what? She went to the house?" The blue of his eyes turned into something dark and smoldering, his words tinged with anger. "Is that why you came here? To escape?"

"I, well…" stammered Meredith, hesitant. "Not exactly."

He scowled, shaking his head. "What did she say to you?" he pressed.

Meredith sighed and laid her hand gently over his. "She said that she's tried to apologize to you several times, but that you wouldn't listen. So," she shrugged, "she figured the time was now for drastic action."

"And so she flew out again," stated Derek. He was watching Meredith intently, surprised to find no echo of that same crumbling unsteadiness that had filled her that last time she'd been left alone with his mother. She seemed…fine. Completely normal. Almost amused by his reaction.

"Flew out for the day," Meredith agreed, and her voice was still light, still untroubled. "I think she's already on her way back. Said she didn't want to intrude."

Derek just snorted. "How considerate of her."

"Yeah…" smirked Meredith, rolling her eyes. She smiled at him, but Derek was already back to frowning again, the look in his eyes distant and troubled. "Derek," she continued, her voice growing calm and serious. "She apologized to me."

He lifted an eyebrow, repeating, "She apologized…"

"She did," agreed Meredith quietly. She shifted in her seat so that she was closer to him, leaning forward to place her palm flat against the rough stubble of his cheek. He tilted his head questioningly, his lips brushing gently against her skin. "You can stop hating her for me," she continued, her fingertips tracing patterns over his cheekbone.

"I--" began Derek, his voice muffled by her palm but still clearly defensive. Meredith just frowned, sliding her hand down his face so that she could press a finger to his lips.

"Ignoring all her calls?" she questioned. "Not exactly what I thought we'd agreed on." Derek's frown only intensified, his eyes deepening close to black. "Listen," Meredith insisted, still not giving him a chance to speak. She shook her head, trying to piece the jumbled mess of thoughts she had concerning Derek's mother into something coherent. "I just--" She sighed. "Don't hate her for me. I can't imagine if two days of bad decisions meant I never got to see our baby." Her gaze dropped from Derek's eyes down to her stomach, her free hand splayed flat over the swollen bump. "If I had to live the rest of my life knowing that she was growing up somewhere without me. Never wanting to see me. Hating me," she added, her voice trembling slightly.

"Mer," he interjected, but she shook her head fiercely.

"I can't imagine that, Derek. She's not even born yet, and already…I can't even imagine it." Meredith bit her lip, her hand falling away from his face to twine her fingers tightly with his. The anger in his eyes had faded away. He was staring at her as if caught somewhere halfway between wonder and disbelief. As if, despite the way that she was clinging to him, he couldn't quite believe that she was truly his.

"Mer…" he repeated, and it was a low hushed sound, full of awe.

"Families do stupid things all the time, right?" Meredith continued, and her voice was momentarily light, teasing. In the next breath, it grew low--her words ardent and aching. "But you have a mother who _wants _to see you, so don't…" She looked up at Derek, her eyes shinning. "If you can just--" And she trailed off again, biting down on her lip as she stared at him.

"Okay," Derek said, his voice rushing forward to fill the silence. He leaned down until their foreheads touched, lifting his hand to cup her cheek. "Okay…" The word was caught somewhere between them, the sound was low and humming as he stroked her skin with the pad of his thumb. They stared straight into each other, holding tight until the fierce light mirrored in their eyes started to fade away. He straightened up, tossing a careless smile in her direction, adding, "You almost sound like you like her."

"No," snorted Meredith, reflexively rolling her eyes at the thought before suddenly clapping a hand over her mouth, eyes widening. "Sorry," she said, shaking her head as Derek's grin only widened. She ducked her head, closing her eyes as she swallowed the urge to just dissolve into giggles. When she straightened up, she'd grown calm again, serious. She reached out for his hand again, speaking quietly. "I want to like her for you, but after what…" Meredith trailed off and shook her head, her eyes clouding over. "I just-- I can't promise you that I'll ever really like her or want to be around her." She looked up at him, and there was something in her voice that was pleading, wanting him to understand her.

Derek just nodded, absently tracing the lines in her palm. "I'm not asking you to," he said, his voice growing as serious as hers.

"I know…" Meredith paused, swinging back towards something lighter as she added, "_But_, I am willing to try tolerating her." Derek's face split into a grin, the blue of his eyes suddenly sparking with amusement as he watched her grimace and shake her head. "That's probably the wrong word," she mused. "I'm, ah… I'm willing to get to try to know your mother." She paused again, adding, "In small doses. _Very_ small doses."

"Small doses?" echoed Derek, still grinning at her.

"I don't mix well with families," she said, defensive.

Derek just laughed, pulling her closer to him so that his voice was a low teasing hum against her ear. "How about once every other year?"

Meredith giggled, a weight seeming to fall off her shoulders and leave her feeling light and dizzy and ridiculously happy. She smirked, "I knew there was a reason I agreed to marry you after all."

-----

_And yeah, there's finally a bit of resolution with Derek's family. It's never going to be perfect because I don't think Meredith is someone who trusts other people easily, and Jacqueline's done a hell of a lot to completely destroy her chance at being let in. But…Mer doesn't want to do anything to create this big wall in Derek's life, and separate his past life with the family he grew up with from the one he has now with her. She's convinced that it'll eventually just lead to bad things between them, and maybe she's right… So, she's being pretty forgiving for his sake, and because Jacqueline is sorry. In her way, she is. Heh…I know a lot of people have said they hate her character, but hopefully she's somewhat less of a villain after this chapter. I'm not sure, it was hard to write from her perspective. She was very set in her ways and convinced what she thought was right, and that led to her being very hateful to Mer, but…this is her slowly coming around, and realizing she was in the wrong. Derek actually going ahead and cutting her out of his life like that did a lot to convince her that Mer/Der really are in love, and it's not the cheap thing she thought it was. And, a lot of this is fueled by her rather desperate desire to not be cut entirely out of her son's life, to not miss out on the life of his child, but…she starts to come around to Mer as well. She didn't expect to, but Meredith's finally less stressed out, she's no longer doubting her own relationship, she feels better…she's just a lot more confident in that respect than she was when Jacqueline first showed up. So, she holds her own a bit more. And, hopefully this chapter has them reaching some sort of understanding. It's never going to be perfect between them, it's never going to be what it could've been had Jacqueline managed to be less hateful and judgmental in the beginning, but there no longer has to be this giant wall between the two of them at all times. So yeah, rambling a bit here I suppose, so I'll bring it to a close. Pretty much all the loose ends are wrapped up by now (I hope!), but Mer still has to have her baby, of course. And that's about it for now. Thanks so much for reading, and hopefully I'll have another chapter up fairly soon._


	36. Keep Breathing

_Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you guys were happy with how the Jacqueline/Meredith thing turned out. Anyway, like I said before, we're nearing the end of the story, but this part's a nice long one. It's setting up stuff, and it's long, (I hope not too long, but I always seem to be a bad judge on that one.) And really…I guess that's all there is to say for now. _

-----

Meredith shifted slightly in bed, turning her head to face Derek. The room was close to pitch black. Just a faint hint of light seeped in through the open window from somewhere out on the street, but it was enough to separate the shadowy shape of his profile from the other shadows filling the room. He lay perfectly still, the slow in and out of his breathing adding something soothing to the silence. Biting down on her lower lip, Meredith eased herself closer still. Her hand moved towards his cheek, reluctant. He didn't stir as her fingertips grazed slowly over his stubbled skin, traced the curve of his ear, trailed down to press against his lips. She sighed and lifted her hand back up and away, her fingers curling tightly into a fist. She cast a glance over her shoulder. The clock on the bedside table glowed red with the time. _3:18 _Her eyes slid shut, her tongue tracing the curve of her lower lip as she counted backwards. It was 3:18...that meant he'd been asleep for just over two hours. Two hours after putting in forty at the hospital, and she was about to wake him up. She groaned and flopped back down against the mattress. He shouldn't have to wake up after only two hours. It wasn't fair. He'd come stumbling into the house, exhaustion hanging thickly over him like a cloak. Woken her up with his sleep deprived clumsiness as he shrugged off his clothes and slipped into bed behind her. Drifted off before she could even mumble goodnight back. Meredith cast another glance at the clock. _3:22_ She could wait a little longer…another hour. He should sleep.

But then there was the pain… She'd felt sort of sick and crampy all day, but the pain that had woken her up again shortly after she'd drifted off to sleep in Derek's arms was been different. It kept coming in tight twisting waves. _Contractions. _Meredith tried out the word, finding the sound of it almost more unsettling than the pain. The real thing. The real having a baby thing. She shook her head, disbelieving. She was supposed to have eight more days before this happened. Eight more days to somehow come to terms with the whole concept of shoving an entire person out of a small hole. A very small hole. A very small, incredibly tiny hole. And a whole other person. Nine months was not nearly enough time to wrap her mind around that one. She glared up at the dark smudge of a ceiling overhead. The baby owed her eight more days. Eight more days to convince herself that yes, she actually _could _do this. Eight more days to, well…to get ready somehow.

At the very least, Derek was supposed to have had a good night's sleep.

Meredith closed her eyes decidedly. She could at least give him another hour.

She gasped, her teeth biting down hard against her lower lip, her hand flying out instinctively to grip Derek's shoulder. He groaned--the sound low in his throat--shifting and resettling at her touch. His face was still mashed against the pillow, still unawares beneath a mask of sleep when Meredith's body relaxed back into the bed. She wrapped an arm around her stomach, rubbing at it gingerly. She blinked bleary-eyed as the clock swam back into focus. _3:29_ That would make the contractions just under fifteen minutes apart. Some distant part of her mind still remained sharp and untouched, divvying up the time she'd spent laying awake into tidy sensible intervals. There were the long stretches of staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, her body practically humming with fear and nerves and some sort of strange, intense anticipation. And then there were the sharp, tightening, twisting waves of pain.

But they weren't so bad. Okay, they hurt like hell, but she hadn't done more than gasp yet. A proud smile flickered across her face as she glanced back at Derek. She hadn't been loud enough to wake him up; Mr. You-yawned-too-loudly-and-now-I'm-awake was still out cold. Even with all of her poking and prodding. Her constant shifting. He really was tired, then. Ten car pile-ups had a way of making surgeons lose sleep, and she was pretty sure that Izzie and George were probably both still at the hospital. Still doing the grunt work of cleaning up what Cristina had described to her on the phone as a blood orgy.

Meredith bit her lip. He should sleep. After hours and hours of back to back surgeries…he really should sleep. This whole having a baby thing would probably take hours anyway. And yet…there she was, inching herself across the mattress until their bodies were touching once again.

"Derek," she whispered guiltily. One slender finger traced the rough plane of his cheek as she spoke. He shifted slightly, muttering to himself. Flung an arm out to pull her closer. Nestled against her, his head burying in the space between her chin and her chest. Meredith sighed and pressed her lips into the dark disheveled mess of his hair as his breathing slowed back to the steady pace of deep sleep. "Derek," she repeated, a little louder but still just as hesitant. "Come on, please… I know you're tired, but--" Her body stole her words away, the syllables degenerating into a low moan as another contraction coursed through her unexpectedly. It went on a little longer. Grew a little more intense… And then, "Wake up!" she snapped, suddenly smacking him hard across the chest.

Derek grunted, jerking away from her. He pressed a hand to his face. "Page the resident," he mumbled groggily, the hoarse muffled tones of his voice clear enough to be cranky.

"I will not page any resident," Meredith hissed, indignant. She shoved her arm out, her small fist meeting his bicep with a hard smack.

"What the--" His eyes fluttered open, blinking to see in the dark. "Meredith…" All traces of annoyance fell away as he spoke her name, and the sound came out rich and warm and hazy. He grunted again, scrubbing a hand over his face, snuffling slightly as he started to shake off the thick fog of sleep. Shifting forward, he pressed his lips to her throat--sloppy and sleepy as he breathed in her scent. "What is it?" he mumbled.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her hand rubbing up his arm and around to the broad plane of his back. He felt exhausted. Just touching him, hearing him… She could tell he felt exhausted. Meredith bit down on her lip. "I know you've gotten pretty much no sleep in the past two days, but--" She leaned forward, kissing his temple.

"But what?" Derek coughed and pulled away, propping himself up with an elbow. "Do you need me to get you something? Water? More tortilla chips?" He flashed her a sleepy roguish grin as he referenced her latest craving.

Meredith just shook her head. She reached out, splaying her hand flat against his chest. "I need you to take me to the hospital."

Derek jolted upright at her words, eyes widening. "Okay," he said, quickly leaning over her to turn on the lamp on the bedside table. A soft pale glow filled the room, swathing them in light. He shifted to sit cross-legged, the bed groaning as he moved. She looked fine; very calm, with a little half smile playing at the corners of her mouth. But still… Derek could feel his heart pounding against his chest like a jackhammer, threatening to leap into his throat. His hands were already on her, racing up her arms to cradle her face. "What is it?" he urged. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Meredith said. She shook her head, her hair rustling softly against the pillowcase. Her face split into a wide disbelieving grin, and she reached out impulsively to grab his hand. "We just have to go do that whole having a baby thing."

The baby thing…

Relief coursed through him in a giant wave. He sucked in a deep breath, still shaking off sleep, and with it came a great swell of excitement. She was okay, they just had to go have their baby. "You're in labor?" The words hung somewhere halfway between a statement and a question. Meredith didn't answer, busy struggling to sit up. He leaned forward, his arm slipping behind her, and practically lifted her to the edge of the bed.

"Yeah," she said at last, turning to give him a faint smile. "Apparently."

"Wow… Okay." Derek cupped her cheek, about to pull her to her feet when she held up a hand. She reached out for him with the other, her nails suddenly digging sharply into the skin of his forearm. He watched helplessly as her eyes squeezed shut, her lips puckering together. "Mer? Are you--?" He stopped speaking as she let out a high thin gasp--the sound twisting his heart into what felt like a tight and clumsy knot. He swallowed hard, rubbing her lower back. She felt tense. Rigid beneath his hand.

"I'm okay," she said quietly, her voice a little weaker than it had been. She winced, her hand moving gingerly to cradle her stomach.

"Mer…" His voice melted and he pulled her to him, enveloping her in his arms. She wasn't supposed to hurt. She wasn't supposed to ever be in pain. Not while he was there… He kissed the top of her head, his hand still rubbing at her back. She just lay against him, breathing. "Mer," he repeated, low and tremulous. The one word was rich with worry.

"Hey," Meredith said, giggling slightly at his tone. She lifted her chin up, kissing the underside of his jaw. "I'm good."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

Derek just rubbed her back some more, disbelieving. "But you looked so…"

"Well you try smiling with a contracting uterus."

"Right… Sorry." He leaned forward. Kissed her cheek in apology. Returned to rubbing her back in slow even circles.

Meredith cleared her throat. "Ah…Derek?"

"Yes?" His voice flooded with concern, but he looked down to find her grinning cheekily.

"Hospital," she reminded him.

He nearly vaulted out of the bed at that, tripping and cursing in an attempt to relocate his discarded jeans as quickly as possible. He felt jittery and almost painfully awake, hopping on one foot as he jammed the other down the leg of his pants.

"That's backwards," Meredith called out lightly. She smirked, biting back a laugh as she stared at him. Derek was standing in front of her in his boxers and a black t-shirt, his hair a disheveled mess and his right leg stuck in the left hole of his jeans. His left leg was bare, pale skin glowing almost ghostly in the dimly lit room. The length of fabric that constituted the actual right half of his pants flapped uselessly in the air at his side. Derek let go of the waistband and the jeans plummeted straight back to the floor, pooling around his ankles.

"Fucking pants…" he muttered. He lifted his right leg up and out of the mess. Scowled down at the heap of denim on the floor. Bent over at the waist to snatch the pants up and shake them out, finally pulling them back on again in one fluid motion. "There," he said at last, his fingers making quick work of the button at the top. He glanced over at Meredith as he backtracked to the point where he'd kicked off his shoes only to find her grinning at him like the Cheshire Cat. "What?" he asked, already jamming his feet back into the shoes, not bothering with the laces.

She was rubbing her stomach almost lazily, watching him from her seat on the edge of the bed. "You can take a breath," she said with a shrug. She glanced back over her shoulder, eyes searching out the clock. "They're still almost fifteen minutes apart."

"Still?" Derek asked, wiggling his foot to get it all the way into its shoe.

"Yeah. I was timing them while you were sleeping."

He halted with an arm halfway down the sleeve of his sweater. "While I was sleeping?" he asked, indignant. Meredith just nodded, quirking an eyebrow at his sudden frown. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I did," she said flatly. "That's why you're awake right now." He pulled his sweater the rest of the way on, crossing back over to stand in front of her.

"When they first started," he elaborated, cupping her face in his hands.

Meredith shrugged, taking his hands in hers and pulling them away from her face. "Because you hadn't slept in over two days."

"Doesn't matter," he said brusquely. She smiled, trying not to roll her eyes at his obvious need to be the guy. To do the protective, manly man thing…whatever that was.

"Derek, we both know this will probably take hours," Meredith rationalized. "Actually…I bet we could both go back to sleep for awhile, and still get there with plenty of time." Her water hadn't even broke yet. She frowned, giving a little shake of her head. She was being paranoid, wanting to get there so soon. They were just going to end up stuck in some hospital room for hours anyway. Waiting…

"No," he said, his hands coming down as two heavy weights over her shoulders. "We're going to the hospital now. I'm not taking any chances with you." He tapped her chin lightly, straightening back up. "So, to the car?"

Meredith ran her fingers along the hem of her shorts, plucking at the fabric. "I'd like some pants first."

He glanced down at her bare thighs, running a hand though his hair. "Right. Pants…those are--" He trailed off as he turned to look helplessly back and forth between the dresser and the closet, wishing he paid more attention to what she did with her clothes.

"In the dresser," supplied Meredith. She reached up to grab his arm with both hands, using it to pull herself to her feet.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked as he watched her make her way across the room.

Meredith paused and turned back. Smirked at him over her shoulder, the corners of her mouth curving sexily as her gaze roved down over his lower half. "After watching your attempt at dressing yourself, I'm not about to let you help me."

Derek let out a burst of laughter, the sound coming from deep in his throat. He gave a rueful shake of his head before padding across the room after her. Leaned against the side of the dresser as she rummaged through her things. Grew puzzled as shirts and pants in myriad colors were tossed in long arcs over her shoulder to land in a heap on the floor.

"Ah…Mer?" he tried after a few minutes.

She clicked her tongue against her teeth and let out a little hum of acknowledgement. The sound was sharp and irritated, and she didn't look up from her search, seeming to grow more and more annoyed with each item she cast away.

"Is, well…is something wrong with all those pants?" Derek asked tentatively.

"Yes."

"Yes?" he echoed, feeling as if he were creeping up to a sleeping lion and poking it with a stick. Meredith didn't answer, just kept yanking things off the shelves. He took a step back, surveying the pile at their feet. Crouched down and pulled out a pair of stretchy black pants. "What about these?" he tried, holding them out to her.

She twisted around, one hand cradling her belly and the other suddenly clutching the door tight enough to turn her knuckles white. "No," she hissed, teeth gritted.

He frowned. "They'd look hot."

"They don't fit," Meredith snapped, still gripping the edge of the door like her life depended on it.

"Oh…" Derek let go and the pants fluttered back to the floor. "Well--"

"Derek…" moaned Meredith, cutting him off.

"Yeah?" He spun back around from examining the pile to find her bent forward, her forehead pressed against the hard edge of a shelf. "Hey…what is it? Another contraction?"

She nearly growled at him. "Stop. Talking." Her voice hitched, breaking down into an unsteady whimper.

"Okay," he whispered, reaching out and rubbing her arm. She stayed leaning into the dresser. No longer whimpering, but sucking down air in deep panting breaths. Sucking and panting, trembling a little. Slowly, she straightened back up, letting go of the door first and then her stomach. Derek just watched her, hesitant.

"I--" Meredith began, shaking her head. She blew at the hair dangling in her eyes before raising a hand and shoveling her bangs roughly back off her brow. "Pants. I need pants."

"That you do," Derek agreed quietly. She glanced up over her shoulder at him. Her lips twitched slightly. It was a little half smile of apology. Or maybe just a contemplative frown. He couldn't tell… He tilted his head to the side, more cautious than before. "Can I help?"

Meredith nodded, her hand still resting atop her head, tangled up in her disheveled bangs. "We need to find my gray pants," she stated.

"Your gray pants?"

"Yes," said Meredith emphatically. Derek just nodded, slowly, uncertainly. She gave him a definite frown that time. "They're _gray_," she reiterated, her voice louder as if that should clear up the matter. "With blue stripes down the sides." She shook her head, frustrated. Turned back around to glare at the nearly emptied wardrobe. "I wore them two days ago," she snapped, sounding suddenly close to tears. "And now, _now_ they've disappeared!"

"Two days ago," he repeated, racking his brain for something helpful to say. Suggesting another pair of pants was clearly out of the realm of possibility. "Um…did Izzie do the wash?" he said at last. "Maybe they're down in the basement…?"

Meredith's eyes lit up, her face splitting into a smile. "She was switching stuff when she got paged," she said. Her grin broadened as she stepped away from the dresser, suddenly seeming delighted again. She picked her way over towards the hall, still cautious and unsteady. Pausing in the doorway, she beamed at him. "I'll be right back."

"Hey, hey, hey," Derek said quickly, shaking himself from his self congratulatory reverie about the laundry. He crossed over to her in four long strides. "You are not about to walk up and down two flights of stairs for a pair of pants," he said. Meredith's smile fell away in a heartbeat.

"_Derek…"_

"I'll go look for them," he continued, the words rushing out. Meredith just frowned at him, skeptical. "Gray pants with blue stripes down the sides. I know exactly which ones you're talking about," he lied.

"Okay," began Meredith, still doubtful.

"I can find you your pants," Derek insisted, taking her by the elbow and walking her back over to the bed. She dropped down onto the mattress without a fuss. "You just sit and rest, or," he shrugged, "finish getting ready. Do you have everything else you need? A bag packed…or something?"

"Crap." Meredith gave a sharp shake of her head. Wrinkled her nose and pouted up at him. Derek just quirked an eyebrow. "I didn't do that yet," she admitted.

"Well, you can do that now," he decided, helping her back up onto her feet. "And I'll--"

"And you'll go find my pants," interrupted Meredith, sounding pleased with the arrangement. Derek nodded and she flashed him a grin, flicking her wrist in a little shooing motion. "Get going then."

He managed to walk out of the room calmly enough, but as soon as he was out of sight, Derek quickened his pace. Took the stairs two at a time. Nearly killed himself when he met with a pair of O'Malley's shoes three steps from the landing. Cursed loudly, and promptly clamped a hand down over his mouth, not wanting to draw Meredith out of their room. After a long cautionary moment of silence in which no doors swung open and her voice failed to call out questioningly, he resumed his race to the basement. It was dark down there with just the cheap glow of a single bare bulb illuminating the washer and dryer. The door to the washer hung open, and he peered in. A wadded mess of damp clothes clung to the walls. He wrinkled his nose and straightened back up. The pants better not be in there. The dryer was open too as if Izzie really had been paged exactly in the middle of switching loads. A laundry basket sat on the floor in front of it. It was half full with clothes, and more things lurked in the shadowed recess of the dryer.

Derek crouched down and started searching.

_Gray pants…with blue stripes down the sides._

The whole thing was a mess of women's clothing. There were gray tank tops and a few gray socks. Flannel pajama bottoms. Sweaters in soft pinks and blues and several pairs of jeans. But no gray pants. He emptied the dryer and the entire contents of the laundry basket out onto the floor, searching through the mess over and over. Bit by bit. Shirt by shirt. But no gray pants. After pawing his way uncomfortably past far too many pairs of panties he didn't recognize as Meredith's and therefore had to be Izzie's, Derek rocked back on his heels, giving up.

He moved reluctantly to the washer and stretched a hand in, extracting a chilled clump of clothes. All of it looked grayish… Maybe. Turning away, he let the clothes fall from his fist to land with a dull, wet smack next to a bottle of detergent. He wiped the hand dry on his sweater and raked it back through his hair, frustrated. Why was she so hell-bent on the gray pants, anyway? It wasn't as if she could give birth _wearing _pants… Derek heaved a sigh, glancing up at the ceiling. He wanted to get back upstairs to her. Needed to get back up there, but…

There was the small matter of being unable to find a damn pair of pants.

Growing desperate, he reached for his phone, grateful he hadn't bothered to unclip it from the waistband of his jeans. He raced his way through the phonebook, stopping at one of the numbers Meredith had entered for him. She'd been messing around with his phone shortly after they'd gotten back together, trying desperately to find a way to delete the picture he'd set as his wallpaper. It was a good picture; her in profile, caught off guard staring down at her then much smaller baby bump. She looked beautiful. Radiant, he'd thought.

And she'd hated it.

She'd tried to delete it. Tried and tried and failed. And, in the process, had discovered that--outside of the hospital--she was the only number in there not preceded by a New York area code. Which was _pathetic, really… _Apparently. So she'd "given" him her friends--laughing, teasing and wrapping her legs around him as she punched in the numbers for George, Izzie, Cristina and Alex.

He'd never used any of them, but now seemed as good a time as any to start. He dialed the number. Held his breath.

She answered on the second ring, sounding tired. "Um…hello?"

"Izzie?"

"Yes…." He could almost hear her frowning over the line. "Who's this?"

"Derek," he said awkwardly.

"Oh! Right…" There was a scuffling sound on her side, a faint whispered rush of voices, and then a tentative, "Hi. Uh…your patients are all still stable. Well, Mr. Carter was showing some--"

"No," he interrupted, barely listening to her. "I'm in the basement."

"Of the hospital?" Izzie asked, confused and incredulous.

"Of the house," he snapped, shaking his head.

"Right," Izzie laughed. "That makes more sense."

There was another pause full of her talking in an undertone to whomever she was with. Derek heaved a sigh. Cleared his throat. "_Izzie!"_

"What?" She jerked back into the conversation. "Sorry, uh…why are you calling me, doctor…ah, Derek?"

He nodded, relieved. "Mer's in labor and I have to take her to the hospital, but--"

"Meredith's having the baby?" Izzie didn't ask. She didn't inquire. She _squealed_. It was something high-pitched. Loud and painful, right against his ear. Derek winced, nearly dropping the phone.

"Yes," he gritted out.

"Oh…wow," gushed Izzie, her voice reverberating with excitement. "That's great! You're gonna be a dad. How's she doing?"

"She needs a pair of pants," Derek stated flatly.

That stopped her short. "…Okay."

"Gray pants," he stressed, peering into the depths of the washer as he spoke. "With blue stripes down the sides." He sighed, straightening back up. "Apparently that's very important. She's refusing to wear anything but them, which is just--"

Izzie interrupted him again, not the least bit surprised. "Of course that's important. They're the only ones that fit her that she doesn't have some sort of hateful vendetta against." She paused, growing thoughtful. "Really, I think that's because they're not _technically _from a maternity store, so she feels--"

"Izzie…"

"What?"

"I don't care about the history of the pants," he said tersely. "Just… Do you know where they are or not?"

"Umm…" she drawled, sounding as if she was chewing on her lip, lost in thought.

"Meredith said that they might be in the wash?" he suggested.

"Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah… I pulled them for her yesterday. Are you still in the basement?"

Derek rolled his eyes, but managed a controlled enough "yes."

"And you can't find them?" Izzie asked, disbelieving.

"No, I can't find them," he said, his voice thick with frustration. "That's _why_ I'm calling you. I went through everything in the dryer and they weren't there." He leaned over the washing machine, pulling out another damp wad of clothes. "Are they still in the wash?"

"No," she said decidedly. "I put them in the first load 'cause Mer likes them so much." She hesitated, growing skeptical again. "Are you _sure_ you looked? They should be hanging right there…"

"Yes. I looked," Derek said, his voice growing louder. And then he paused. "What do you mean…hanging right there?"

"I always hang them up and let them air dry," said Izzie. She spoke slowly as if she were beginning to doubt his ability to differentiate between a washer and a dryer. "They get those weird little fuzz balls all over if you put 'em in the dryer."

"Oh." He whirled around, wide-eyed as he scanned the room.

"They should literally be like… Hanging. Right. There."

And they were.

Derek smacked the palm of his free hand against his forehead as he came face-to-face with a pale gray pair of track pants. They were loose and stretchy, with thin baby blue stripes racing up the sides. And they were draped over the back of an old, dusty folding chair. Which…wasn't exactly "hanging" as far as he was concerned, but that wasn't exactly a technicality he was willing to waste time debating at the moment either. He snatched them up and shook them out. They were cool to the touch. Cool, but dry.

"Do you see them?" Izzie's voice crackled over the line again.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I've got them, thanks."

"Good! Now hurry up and get them to Mer." Izzie laughed. "You don't want her to have the baby in the car."

"Right…" The word was more of a frightened gulp than an actual answer, and it had him already backing out the basement door.

"Okay. Yay!" Izzie was back to gushing again. "This is so exciting. Have you guys thought of a name yet? Meredith's been refusing to tell me, but you've got to have something to put on the birth certificate, so…"

"Uh, I really have to go," interrupted Derek, his voice strained.

"Of course, sorry," said Izzie quickly. "I'll let everyone know, and we'll all see you when you get here!"

"Great." He hung up without giving a second thought to what she'd said. Instead, he jammed his phone back into its clip and took the stairs three at a time on the return trip. He tried to not pound his way down the hallway too loudly, too frantically, but…he was half expecting to find Meredith lying on the ground, writhing in pain.

"Took you long enough," she said as he came crashing back into their room. She was seated on the edge of the bed, swinging her legs back and forth, toes just skimming the ground. Her hair had been brushed and pulled up into a ponytail, and a bag sat packed beside her. She'd changed into a white long-sleeved shirt and was smiling up at him. Pants-less, but smiling.

Derek breathed a deep sigh of relief. One that seemed to shake its way through his lungs. "Sorry," he muttered. He crossed over to where she sat, kneeling down to help her get dressed. "They were kinda hard to find." Meredith just murmured in agreement, leaning heavily on his shoulder. Her breathing seemed shallower than before, and he eyed her worriedly as they both straightened up. "How're you doing?"

Her smile grew a little thinner and she lifted her chin up to look at him. "Managing," she said quietly. "I'm managing."

"Okay," Derek said, rubbing her arm. "Managing is good." He leaned around her, swinging her bag up onto his shoulder. "Are the contractions still fifteen minutes apart?"

Meredith made a little humming noise, tilting her head from side to side, uncertain. "I don't know," she murmured. She clutched his hand tightly--the gesture completely unlike her--as they made their way out of the room and towards the stairs. "Maybe more like ten…" She paused abruptly on the second step. Her grip on his hand nearly doubled and her other hand grabbed at the banister. "Definitely more like ten," she whimpered, her voice high and pitiful. She stayed frozen for well over half a minute as her nails carved deep half moons into the palm of Derek's hand. When she finally turned to give him a shaky smile and start down the stairs again, it was all he could do to keep from lifting her into his arms and carrying her bodily to the car. She'd hate it. He knew she'd hate it if he tried. But still… The desire to was there. The need to was there. And it was all he could do to stop himself.

Even so, Meredith kept his hand in a death grip. She didn't shrug off the arm he slung around her, and had no sarcastic comment about how he was watching her every step like a hawk. And that scared him. As much as he couldn't help but love the way she was almost clinging to him, it made him dread what she'd go through next. What he'd _see _her go through next. He was willing to bet he broke a good half a dozen rules driving to the hospital alone, and that was with her doing nothing more than alternating between panting her way through contractions and chatting rather calmly with him the rest of the time.

Meredith came to a sudden halt as they were finally making their way--slow and shuffling--over the few feet that separated where they'd parked the car from the entrance to the hospital. "Derek?" Her voice wasn't exactly innocently questioning. It had a hard edge to it that had him stopping in his tracks as well. He glanced down at her, curious. She was squinting straight ahead at the glass doors.

"Mer?"

"Why do I have a welcoming party in the lobby?"

"Um…" He looked back up. Sure enough, there were the remaining four of Bailey's interns camped out in some of the chairs in the waiting area. They looked rather pinched and tired, still in scrubs with a few stacks of neglected post-op notes resting between them. But they were all chatting animatedly, and Derek cringed as he spotted several pink balloons tied to the chair Izzie was sitting on. "I-- That's a good question, Mer," he tried lamely.

"_Derek!" _His name came out as a sharp snap of sound like the crack of a whip, and he glanced back at her, already apologetic. "You told everyone that I'm in labor?"

"No, no," Derek said quickly. He ran his free hand through his hair. "Just Izzie."

"Just Izzie?" echoed Meredith, incredulous. "That's _worse _than telling everyone!" She jerked away from him, hands coming down on her hips. "And since when do you even talk to Izzie?" She glared over her shoulder at her friends, who were, for the moment, still oblivious to her arrival.

Derek shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. "It's a long story. Um, involving your pants…"

Meredith looked up at him, staring like he'd just sprouted an extra head. "Right…" she scoffed. "I don't even wanna know." She went back to eying the cluster of her friends through the window, and Derek swallowed hard, his mind scrambling desperately for something to say. Before he could come up with anything, she was speaking again. "They have _balloons," _she said, putting a chilling emphasis on the final word. Something cold and almost deadly.

"Yes," Derek agreed. "Just a few though."

"Great," Meredith groaned. "This is just like the baby shower."

"Well actually, compared to the party this is rather understated." He tilted his head to the side and grinned at her. Long and slow like a lazy sigh, going for something charming.

She just rolled her eyes and turned away. "Unbelievable," she hissed.

Meredith made her way into the hospital with her hands still on her hips. She could feel Derek following behind her, could sense the apologetic air that hung around him. She wasn't…mad, exactly. Just too grumpy and uncomfortable to bother reassuring him that she wasn't. She hadn't wanted to deal with all of _this _yet. The questions, the excitement, the jokes, the noise; everything that came hand-in-hand with her friends. She knew they'd all find out eventually, and just… Okay, Cristina alone would've been fine. But this? This was supposed to come later. After she'd changed and gotten into bed. After she'd been told just how far along she was (which, judging by the lack of blinding pain bad enough to make her want to swear off sex for the rest of her life, she was guessing wasn't that far). After Derek had had plenty of time to do something cheesy like rub her back and tell her how great she was doing. That she was amazing. That he loved her.

And instead she got balloons. Freaking pink balloons and a damn welcoming committee.

It was typical. Just…typical.

"You're all here," she stated flatly after drawing near to her friends. They looked up in unison, faces breaking out into delighted grins.

"And you're wearing the pants," Izzie said, flashing Derek a thumbs up.

Meredith glanced between the two of them, still confused. "Right… So you're all here, which is great, really." She managed a shallow smile, and jerked her head in the direction of the elevators. "I'm gonna go up there."

"Wait," said Izzie eagerly, holding out a hand. "Do you want to take the balloons now, or should I bring them up later?"

Meredith's jaw clenched, and Derek cleared his throat. "Later," he answered. "Definitely later."

Izzie's face fell a little, but she stopped untying the ribbons that had them tethered to her chair.

"How're you feeling, Mer?" George called out before Meredith could turn away again.

She raised an eyebrow, disbelieving. "Like I'm trying to shove a person out of me," she snapped.

"Oh… Gotcha," he said, quiet and apologetic.

Meredith sighed and looked back at her friends. They were all just sitting there, watching her with a strange mixture of hope and worry shining in their eyes. Exhaustion clung to them like dust, dulling them. They were probably all off duty by now, and yet…they'd sat there. Waited for her. Just to see her for a few minutes. Even Cristina was refraining from pointing out that she was being a bit of a bitch. She sighed again, giving a slight shrug of her shoulders. "Sorry, I just--" She cut off abruptly. Sucked in a rattling gasp of air and grabbed at Derek's hand. Grabbed and squeezed and clenched as another wave of pain went coursing through her stomach and danced around her lower back.

"Ouch," said Derek instinctively, caught off guard by the sudden sharp stab of her nails and the corner of her engagement ring digging into his flesh.

Cristina snorted, incredulous. "Did he just say _ouch?_"

"Dude…" Alex shook his head. "You can't say ouch."

Derek grimaced, stepping closer to Meredith so she could lean into him.

"Yeah," she panted as the pain slowly dulled and faded away. She glanced up and shot him a look, disbelieving and amused as she caught sight of the worry in his eyes.

"Sorry," he muttered sheepishly.

She just laughed. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that one."

He smiled down at her, and Meredith swore the pain disappeared entirely for a moment. And so she simply leaned against him. Happily let him steer her away from the others and onto the elevator. But her mood shifted again as she moved away from her friends. The contractions started to come a little stronger, a little sharper, a little quicker, and everything else just…blurred. Despite the fact that they were making their way through the hospital in those first few hours of morning that come before dawn, when the halls are as sleepy and silent as they ever get, everything around her seemed to meld into a giant overwhelming mess. There were voices and people and footsteps echoing purposely down the halls, but it all just slipped slightly out of focus and turned into a roar of background noise. Meredith wasn't quite sure what any of the forms said when being admitted. She just moaned and pushed them weakly into Derek's lap, bracing her back with one hand and clutching at him with the other. The whole hospital felt strange. Inside-out and backwards. Nothing seemed familiar.

The pants she'd wanted desperately were discarded without a second thought. She just moved, and did, and breathed; feeling as if she were creeping towards a border between numb and frightened that she didn't understand. She couldn't get the intern part of her brain to focus, to remember what the nurse was doing and why, to even listen to the explanations. 'What if's' kept forcing their way into her thoughts as if the presence of the hospital was causing some unknown dam within her to suddenly be breached. A thousand worst case scenarios screamed their way into her head at once, and Meredith just sat there trembling. Trembling and nodding and feeling very small. She was scared. She didn't know why exactly, but…she was. Scared to the point where it was all she could do to keep from bursting into tears when the nurse finally stopped poking at her, and left her alone in the room with Derek, saying that the doctor would be in soon.

She flopped back against the mattress, fiddling absently with her gown as Derek got up with a frown and closed the door. He glanced back at her, and she could see the worry filling his eyes. She tried to smile for him. Tried, faltered a little, and finally failed.

"Hey…" Derek murmured, concerned. He'd crossed from the door back to her bed before Meredith even had a chance to realize her lower lip was trembling like a leaf. He slipped down into the chair beside her, and folded her hand up in his. His fingers were close and tight and warm around her, his thumb stroking at her skin. And he leaned forward. Leaned so that his shadow loomed over her. Leaned so that she was cut off from the clinical whiteness of the room, and all that was there to see was the blue of his eyes. "Meredith," he whispered, hushed and melodic as if her name were the words to a song. "What's wrong?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head. "Nothing."

He smiled, unconvinced. Leaned closer still so that his lips skimmed over her forehead, and she could hear the steady in out of his breathing. And then he straightened up, pulling away to stare straight into her eyes. "Then why are you trying not to cry?" Meredith opened her mouth to speak, to answer, but couldn't find the words. Couldn't even find the thoughts inside her own mind to explain why she suddenly wanted to be anywhere but here. And so she settled for another fierce shake of her head. "Is it the contractions?" he pressed. "Are you in too much pain?"

"No, it's…" she began, only to have her words falter as pain rippled like fire around her abdomen. "It's, um…" She shook her head. Shook and shook and gasped and _tried _to think of something to say. "It's--"

"Shhh…" Derek leaned forward, stroking her cheek and pressing a finger to her lip. "Shhh, just breathe. You can tell me later. It's okay."

Her fingers curled around his hand and she sucked in air, waiting for the pain to peak and fade away again. He kept murmuring to her; telling her to breathe, that she was okay, that everything, _everything _was okay. And she nodded, feeling as if she were falling into his voice.

"It's--" she tried again as everything settled back to normal.

"It's what?"

Meredith frowned. Scooted back a little so she wasn't laying flat. "It's not the pain," she said quietly. And it wasn't. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to what she'd felt all those months ago when she'd thought she was losing the baby. That had felt like knives. Like being stabbed and skewered and turned inside out all at once. It had been enough to make her want to curl up and die. But this? This she could still breathe through. "It's not," she insisted, her voice faint.

"Okay," agreed Derek. His hand ran up and down the length of her arm. Up and down, slowly up and down. "It's something else?"

"Yes…"

The one word sounded weak and pathetic. She _felt _weak and pathetic. Her cheeks flushed and she looked away. It was like she was six again, trying to work up the courage to tell her mother that she couldn't sleep because her room was too dark. That it was pitch black and terrifying. With things lurking in the shadows, quite possibly lurking and about to get her.

Only to be scolded and told to grow up.

And now, that same smothering fear had crawled in out of nowhere as if her thoughts were enough to choke her. She swung back and forth between afraid and ashamed.

"Meredith," Derek urged. His voice was low and coaxing. Drawing an answer out of her. Pulling it closer and closer to her lips.

She clamped down and shook her head. "It's stupid."

"No, it's not."

Meredith frowned and looked away, trembling under the weight of trying to keep it all in. She bit down on her lip to stop it from shaking. Let her teeth dig in hard enough to taste blood.

"Tell me," Derek pleaded. He reached out, his fingers gently gripping her chin and turning her back to face him. The pad of his thumb brushed over her lower lip, freeing it from her teeth. "Tell me, and I'll do everything I can to fix it."

"I'm afraid." The words snaked out of her without her permission. They hung there in the air, quavering. The pressure of his hand on her face wouldn't let her turn away again, but she closed her eyes resolutely. Waited for him to tell her to grow up and tough it out.

"Oh." He sounded almost relieved. And then his voice was a warm rush of soothing words, his hands always on her, always holding her. "That's okay, Mer. It's okay if you're scared. I know this is a lot, but--" She opened her eyes cautiously, and he smiled at her. "You're safe. You're okay. This isn't something you need to be afraid of." Meredith didn't answer. She just stared up at him, her eyes wide, unsure of what to say. He shifted in his chair. Leaned forward to balance his weight on his knees. Let his smile slip away into a thoughtful sort of frown. "We've never really talked about it," he continued quietly, watching her. "Are you scared of actually having the baby?"

Meredith raised her shoulders and tilted her head; it was a gesture caught somewhere between a shrug and a shake of her head. "No," she began, searching out her thoughts as she spoke. "I don't know. I just-- What if…" She gestured aimlessly with her hand. "What if something goes wrong?" she asked at last.

"Then there'll be doctors here to take care of it," Derek rationalized. He rested his chin on his fist, his eyes still not straying from hers. "And you're at Grace. If something _did _go wrong, you'd already have the best team on the entire west coast here. You know that."

"Right," she said weakly. She looked away from him, flicking her gaze towards the ceiling.

"Hey," he pressed. Sudden understanding bellied his tone, and his eyes grew fierce. "You're not expecting something to go wrong, are you?" She just let her eyelids slip shut, and her lip go back to trembling. It was a question that didn't really need an answer anyway. "Meredith…" Derek continued, his voice breaking a little on the second syllable. "Mer, please," he pleaded. "Don't think that. Don't worry yourself sick. You're gonna get through this just fine." She still didn't say anything, and for a second he thought she was ignoring him. Stifling a sigh, Derek buried his hands in his face. He rubbed his fingers roughly against his eyes, searching desperately for a way to reassure her. When he looked back up, she still had her eyes closed, but her fingers were gripping the bar on the bed tight enough to turn her knuckles white. A thin little moan escaped past her lips, and he scooted forward. Lifted her hand off the bar, giving her his own hand to squeeze instead. And she did--she squeezed and clenched at his fingers, eyes flying wide open as their palms touched.

"Oww…" she whined, staring up at him.

"I know, Mer. I know."

And then, the fading pain of the contraction seemed to loosen her lips in a way that all of Derek's coaxing hadn't been able to manage. It weakened her resolve, sent her guard running off somewhere else, and--before Meredith truly knew what was happening, or could have a chance to stop it--the words came tumbling out. Tumbling and rushing and pouring their way out, tangling up on each other in the race to be spoken first. "It's just…why shouldn't something go wrong, you know?" she demanded darkly. "Something's always gone wrong. _Always. _Even from the beginning, Derek." She glared down at her bulging stomach before jerking her focus back to him. "We both know this was a total accident. Being pregnant was pretty much the last thing I wanted, and just when I'd started to warm up to the idea, I almost lose the baby!" She laughed bitterly, shaking her head. "And then I couldn't work, and your mother came, and I have high blood pressure so they stick me on bed rest, and…" She gasped, trying to catch up with the chaotic parade of her thoughts. It was as if her mind had been tossed into a blender set on high, and she was left trying to make sense of the sopping soupy mess of uncertainty even as it all slipped through her fingers and came pouring--ranting and lost--out of her mouth. "I still can't quite believe we walked into the hospital like normal people today. I figured, with my luck, I'd be lifted in by helicopter already hemorrhaging or something! This is too normal. I feel like I'm lying here waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me to die, or the baby to come out with two heads."

Derek's grip on her hand tightened. "You're not dying," he said fiercely, cutting her off. He knew she was being somewhat flippant, but still… He didn't know how to think rationally when she said things like that. Even hearing the words made his stomach churn. "You're. Not. Dying." He said it again, slower. Dragged the words out until they were almost angry, and Meredith was cowering a little against the pillows. 'You're having a baby, but you're not… You're not gonna die." She seemed frozen by the sudden vehemence of his voice. Her cheeks paling, eyes widening. "Mer…" Her name came out as a ragged sigh, and he let his hand tear back through his hair.

"I know," she agreed quietly, meekly. "I'm not actually dying, and…" She bit her lip, a guilty smile gracing her face. "The baby doesn't have two heads."

Derek grinned, something within him warming up at her smile. "She doesn't," he said. "We've had countless one-headed ultrasounds to prove it."

"Yeah." Meredith laughed. She readjusted their hands, pressing her palm flat against his. She wound their fingers together again, and just stared up at him. It was as if spewing all the twisting fears that had been lurking in the back of her mind had done something good. Lanced a wound. Made it easier to breathe. _Something…_ Whatever it was, it helped. She barely even minded the next contraction, she was too busy grinning up at Derek. Just grinning like a… Like a ridiculously happy person. A fool. Grinning like a fool sounded about right.

By the time the doctor came in, they were talking about other things entirely. He was rubbing her back and she was still smiling, and wanting to cry seemed like a distant thing.

The doctor they'd switched to was a middle-aged woman named Elizabeth Harrison. Her voice was warm and soothing, her blonde hair run through with several streaks of gray. She was rather squat, and didn't walk from place to place so much as she bustled about, humming with energy and an innate cheerfulness. She fit Meredith's generic mental image of a motherly sort of person save for the fact that her eyes were sharp and almost hawk like. They were a clear pale gray that broadcasted her intelligence in a way that everything else about her just…didn't quite. At any rate, Meredith liked her. They both did. She'd filled their two criteria for a new doctor perfectly in that she was neither an attractive man prone to kissing his patients, nor Derek's ex-wife.

Elizabeth made her way into the room with a soft flurry of sound, smiling genially at them. "So it sounds like you're finally having your baby, Meredith?" she said, flipping through the updated vitals as she spoke.

Meredith just nodded, twisting the bed sheet into a knot.

"That's great," Elizabeth continued, greeting Derek quickly before turning back to Meredith. She rattled off a series of questions that Meredith answered reluctantly at first, as if she were refusing to dip any more than one toe into a pool, still half expecting the sudden fear that had come with the nurse's visit to come flooding back.

It didn't.

Other than the occasional need to stop talking and gasp her way through another contraction, it didn't seem much different from her last doctor's appointment. If anything, it seemed faster. Before Meredith had a chance to start worrying about anything, she'd already been examined, and Elizabeth was standing up again, snapping off her gloves.

Elizabeth gave her a gentle, dimpled smile. "You can relax, dear," she said softly. "You're doing fine."

"Yeah?" asked Meredith, relief seeping into her voice.

"Yeah," agreed Elizabeth with a nod. She shuffled backwards towards the door, scribbling on Meredith's chart as she moved. "I'll be back to check on you later. You're two centimeters, so--"

"Oh…" Meredith said, her voice cutting in over the other woman's. "Only two?" she asked, trying to keep her disappointment from showing.

Elizabeth grinned, giving another little bobbing nod of her head. "Only two," she agreed. "So try and sleep now, if you can. You've still got a ways to go."

The door clicked shut, and Meredith fell back against the pillows. She exhaled loudly, her bangs fluttering off her forehead and drifting slowly back down. She glared at Derek, who was watching her curiously. "Two centimeters," she muttered. Derek nodded, and she narrowed her eyes. "_Two!"_

"Well, two's a start," he tried diplomatically. "It's a fifth of the way to ten."

Meredith scowled, folding her arms over her stomach. "I _know_ it's a fifth of the way to ten!" she snapped. "I can do the whole math whatever… It's just--" She stopped abruptly, her frown deepening. "Never mind."

"It's just what?"

"I said never mind!"

"Oh come on, Mer. Tell me," Derek pressed, trying his hardest not to grin. It was hard. Her eyes were flashing, and she was pouting up at him, her lower lip jutting out. He was pretty sure she'd never looked more adorable.

"Fine," she sighed, already exasperated. "I was betting on at least three!"

"Really? Me too," he said, and then he gave in and grinned.

-----

_So yeah. Mer's finally on her way to having her baby. Finally. This was a lot of fun to write, but, at the same time, it was very nerve-racking as I've never had a baby myself. So, it felt like a lot of writing blind or something. Anyway, that's about all I've got to say right now as I'm exhausted. So just, thanks so much for reading! I'll try to update again soon. _


	37. The Pros and Cons of Breathing

_Wow, it's exhausting to write someone in labor. Very exhausting. Obviously less exhausting and painful than the real labor thing, but still, this was a surprisingly draining chapter to write. First off, huge thanks to __**carsonfiles **__for helping me with the actual baby-having details, and secondly, thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. I'm glad people are excited for Mer's baby! So yeah, on to the story._

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Meredith lay in bed, drifting somewhere between asleep and awake. The world was just this hazy blur that existed on the other side of her closed eyelids. She shifted slightly, her hand curling into a fist beneath her chin. After what had felt like an eternity, she had made it to three centimeters. When her excitement over that fact had dulled and turned weary, she'd finally given into Derek's urgings. To sleep. Or really, to try to sleep. It was impossible to get comfortable. Every inch of her body was continually hurting in new and different ways. And, just when her eyelids would start to grow heavy on their own, start to droop close to closed, a contraction would wind its way through her. The sharp, tight, biting burst of pain would have her eyes flying wide open again. Wide open and glaring at Derek. But, every time that had happened, he would just murmur quietly to her. Rub her back. Tell her to breathe. His words were like a drug, lulling her away to somewhere softer.

And eventually, she'd found a rhythm that kept her somewhere between sleeping and waking. She no longer jolted wide awake with each contraction. She just stirred, and moaned, and breathed, and finally…resettled. But she never fell all the way asleep, either. It wasn't deep and healing, it was shallow and fitful. Strange thoughts that might be dreams kept coming and going at will, leaving her disoriented. She sunk further and further away from the world around her until she wasn't sure of what went on outside her mind. She wasn't sure if Derek was still murmuring softly to her. Wasn't sure if those were his fingers entwined in her hair or her own. Wasn't sure how long she'd been laying there.

Until something thumped, loud and jarring.

Meredith jerked slightly, her eyelids fluttering. "What?" she mumbled, but the word was more of a garbled mess of sound than anything approaching speech.

"Sorry, Mer. We didn't mean to wake you."

An apologetic voice drifted through her mind. She groaned.

"Yeah, we'll come back later."

And another. Apologetic… Anxious, maybe. She exhaled loudly, blinking against the sudden brightness.

"What?" she repeated, managing more of an actual word that time.

"We just wanted to see how you were holding up."

"Mmrrff…" She groaned, feeling very much as if her brain and her body had been sent to separate rooms. Or separate states. Separate continents, maybe. That felt more like it, a giant gaping ocean separating the two. The result was something sluggish, like she was peering through a thick fog just to see who was standing at the door. Two figures swam blurrily before her. Or maybe one. She wasn't sure… "Derek?" she mumbled.

There was a pause, which was …odd. And then, "Uh, no. It's Alex, Mer."

"And George," piped up the other voice. George's voice, apparently.

"Right…" Meredith muttered, rubbing her knuckles hard against her closed eyes. She blinked once, twice. Forced the groggy film that coated her thoughts to peel back and fall away. Slowly, the two figures swam into focus. George and Alex. The voices were right. She frowned at herself. Of course they were right. Her brain was apparently still operating from somewhere on another continent. "Hi," she said faintly, motioning them in with a tilt of her head. She glanced around her. Something was different. Something was… "Where's Derek?"

Alex shrugged, and flopped down on her couch. George just shook his head, still lingering by the doorway.

Meredith scooted backwards slowly, easing herself up until she was sitting. Absently, she touched a hand to her hair. It had turned into a disheveled mess, only half of it still caught up in a ponytail. And Derek wasn't there. He was… "I don't know where he went," she continued. Her voice came out thin and worried, and she looked around as she spoke, still trying to get her bearings.

"Well, you were sleeping," said Alex. "He probably just went to get coffee, or take a piss." He sounded nonchalant, calm, completely untroubled.

Meredith nodded slowly. "Yeah…" Calm was good. Calm was… She gave a shake of her head, trying to clear away the last of the weird, tired film that seemed to lay over everything. It was like looking through a pair of glasses when the prescription was too strong--everything hurt, everything blurred. "I have a bathroom though," she said quietly, suddenly focusing on the small room adjoining hers. The door hung ajar. The light was out. He wasn't there.

"I'm sure he'll be right back," said George gently. She nodded again, slower. Her hand fluttered down to her stomach, and she slung a leg over the edge of the bed.

"Yeah. It's not like the guy could hide anywhere today, even if he wanted to."

She glanced over her shoulder, staring at Alex. She blinked again, still feeling oddly disjointed. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "It's a madhouse out there; everyone's talking about the Grey/Shepherd spawn. You'd think some celebrity had showed up to have a baby." Meredith frowned, and swung her other leg over the edge of the bed. "Oh, and if you can pop the kid out some time between four o'clock and five, that'd be great," continued Alex. She looked up, puzzled, and he grinned at her. "I'll even split the pool with you. Fifty-fifty."

"The pool?" echoed Meredith. George shuffled uncomfortably, looking down at his feet. Alex just offered her another unabashed grin, and wiggled his eyebrows. She shook her head, incredulous. "You have a pool going for when I'm giving birth?" George started to stammer out an apology, and Alex had enough sense to look slightly sheepish, but Meredith only shrugged. "Relax. I don't really care," she said, inching carefully towards the edge of the bed, a hand on her stomach. "I want half the winnings no matter what, but…I don't care." She quirked a grin in their direction. "Go ahead. Make your money off my uterus. Just don't tell Derek. He'd probably kill you both." Her words sent her smile faltering. He'd have to _be_ here to kill them. A wistful sigh escaped her, George and Alex's voices blurring together into something indistinct, unimportant… "Shouldn't he be back by now?" she asked, her voice tinged with worry.

"Maybe he's," began George as she Meredith's toes finally touched the ground, and she pushed herself to her feet. "Uh, do you need help, or…?"

Meredith shook her head. "No, I need to…" She took a cautious step, feeling oddly breakable. "I need to find--" Her words were cut short by what felt like a disgusting pop somewhere inside of her. She sucked in a breath, uncertain, and suddenly her legs were wet. "Ugh…" she groaned. Her thighs felt slick, and something was dripping steadily down her legs. She tried to look down, only to have her view blocked by her belly.

"Mer?"

She glanced back up to find Alex and George staring at her. "I think my water broke," she said, feeling suddenly helpless. Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she took one cautious uncomfortable step forward. And another. And then she was breathing in sharply, her voice twisting into a strange, strangled, crying thing. She reached out blindly, feeling like she was about to fall. Her hand latched onto the bar at the end of her bed, and she clutched at it. Pain rippled around her stomach in a tight, torturous wave that seemed to rob her of even the ability to think. All she could do was gasp and gasp and _gasp, _until she wasn't so much breathing as she was panting in misery. This was… Pain. That was the only concrete thought she could manage. Pain that seemed to stretch on far too long. When it finally faded, it left her leaning heavily against the bed, chest heaving. Alex and George were speaking, but the words just blurred and floated by as she clutched at the railing. Tried to recover. Tried to breath again. Tried to…

"Meredith?" asked Alex loudly, more insistent. She looked up, forcing herself to focus. He'd got off the couch, and stood at her elbow. "Do you want to sit down?" She just shook her head. "Okay…" He frowned at her, his eyes dark and skeptical. "Do you need anything?"

Did she need anything? Did she… "Derek," she whimpered, still dazed by the strength of the contraction.

"You want Shepherd?"

Meredith didn't answer, busy looking out the open door at her tiny rectangular view of the hospital. He wasn't there. Something sick and panicky seemed to have been born out of the pain, and was slowly working its way through her. She let go of her hold on the bed, and started cautiously towards the doorway. Each step seemed painful, slow and tortured. Her thighs still felt wet, and her mind felt… Scattered.

"Where are you going?" asked George, his voice seeped with unease.

She stopped, and glared at him. Braced herself with one hand against her lower back. "To find Derek," she snapped. Their protests were immediate, but she tuned them out. She took a few more steps towards the door, only to come to a sudden halt as she felt the building pain of another contraction. It was no more than a few minutes behind the previous one, sending her reeling again just moments after recovering. She let out a shuddering gasp, one hand clawing at her stomach as she started to fall back into something dark, something pained and jagged that refused to let her move. Arms grabbed at her just as her legs started to shake, and she stumbled forward, collapsing against a body that felt hard and masculine.

When she opened her eyes again, Alex's face swam in front of her. He was holding her tightly, his hands gripping her elbows. "They're getting stronger," she said weakly, her chest still rising and falling visibly with each breath.

Alex nodded. "I can see that."

"Yeah," Meredith moaned. She shook her head, pulling her thoughts back together. "Derek," she blurted out. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be holding her up. He was… The last echoes of pain died away, and all that was left in its place was something hard and angry. "Where is he?" she demanded. Her voice was more of a snarl than anything else, each word thick with frustration.

Alex and George exchanged blank looks, and she shook her head, quickly escalating from irritated to livid.

"He _needs_ to be here," she insisted, just shy of shouting. "He needs to be here now!"

"Okay," agreed Alex, still eyeing her cautiously. He glanced up, looking at George over her head. "Go find Shepherd."

"But what about Mer?"

"I've got her. Just go find Shepherd."

"Yes," said Meredith vehemently. "Find him. And George…" He paused and looked back at her expectantly, starting slightly when he caught sight of her bitter scowl. Her eyes were flashing with the jagged edges of her pain, all the points having been dipped in something angry and raging. She shook her head, looking nothing short of furious. "When you find him, you tell him he'd better hope I don't fucking push him out the fucking window when he gets back here…" Her voice trailed off into an angry hurting moan as another contraction washed over her, pain corkscrewing across her stomach and around her back.

"I don't… Mer, I don't think I can say that to my boss," stammered George from where he stood wavering in the doorway.

She lifted her head up, glaring at him through the pain. "Then…" she panted. "Tell him. To… Get his. Ass. Up. Here. And, and…" She gasped, the sound coming out tortured and breaking. "And I'll. Tell him… Myself."

"Right," said George faintly as Meredith fell back against Alex. "I can do that. I'll--"

Alex looked up, and cut him off with a shake of his head. "Dude. Just _go._"

-----

Derek was leaning against the nurses' station, one hand buried in his disheveled curls, propping his head up, and the other clutching a cup of cheap hospital coffee. He was scowling down at the smooth countertop, his jaw set. "Richard," he said tersely. "I've already told you. I'm not operating today."

The older man heaved a sigh. "Just one surgery," he tried.

"No."

"You've already cancelled the other three--"

"I've already cancelled all four," interrupted Derek flatly, his blue eyes darkening until they almost seemed bruised.

"You realize that leaves me with exactly one senior neurosurgeon in the hospital today?" Richard asked with an unhappy glance over his shoulder, eyeing the OR board. He shook his head, and turned back to Derek, his expression entreating.

Derek just scoffed, frustrated. He took a long pull from his coffee, the hot bitter liquid burning his throat as it went down. He winced, and straightened up. Squared his shoulders. "Page another one in if you think you'll need it," he said with a shrug.

"Just one surgery," tried Richard again. "You can fit it in before she gives birth." His expression grew hopeful, and he added, "How far along is she?"

"How far along is she?" echoed Derek, spitting his words back at his boss. "I wouldn't know as I'm out here having this insipid conversation with you!" He raked a hand back through his hair, trying to keep from shouting. "For the last time, Richard, what part of 'my child is being born _today' _do you not understand? This is not…" He trailed off, and shook his head. He took another huge swallow from his coffee, slumping back against the counter. "It's Meredith," he said tiredly. "Fire me if that's what you want, but the answer's no."

With a final shake of his head, he turned to leave, smacking straight into a breathless frazzled George O'Malley.

"Sorry," George blurted out as soon as they'd both regained their balance. He glanced between the two men, and jammed his hands deep into the pockets of his lab coat. He shuffled back a few steps, apprehensive. "Uh, excuse me Dr. Shepherd, Chief. I'm sorry to interrupt, but," he turned to Derek, "Meredith sent me to find you."

Derek straightened up, his eyes clouding over with worry. "What did she…?"

George glanced down at the floor, and then back up, avoiding Derek's eyes. "She's wondering where you went," he began carefully, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "And she may have mentioned something about shoving you out a window, sir." Derek quirked an eyebrow as the younger man cleared his throat. "Plus a few other things I don't think I can repeat in front of my bosses, but…um, she's angry. Very angry."

Derek shook his head, and turned to look at Richard. "You see? I leave for ten minutes, and my fiancée is already plotting my death."

The older man sighed heavily. "Go," he said, holding his hands up in defeat.

Derek took off without another word, his pace just shy of a run. Not willing to wait for an elevator, he banged his way into the stairwell. Yet again, he found himself taking the steps three at a time, nearly knocking over a nurse as he rounded on the landing. He barreled down the corridor to Meredith's room, only to find her seated on the edge of her bed, gasping her way through a contraction. He motioned to Alex, who sat beside her.

"Good luck," snorted Alex dryly as he got to his feet, the two men exchanging places. "She's pissed." He reached out and ruffled her hair. "And she curses like a sailor," he added, a proud little smirk flitting across his face.

"Yeah," said Derek, laying a hand on Meredith's back. "I know." He nodded his thanks to Alex before turning back to her. "Hey," he said gently.

Meredith glanced up as the pain slowly ebbed, and she was free to do something other than try to breathe. "You," she spat, glaring at Derek.

"Mer…"

"Where did you go?" she demanded.

"I was talking to Richard." Meredith's scowl only seemed to deepen, and he shifted nervously, adding, "He wanted me to operate…"

"_Seriously?" _

She very nearly shrieked at him, and Derek reached out cautiously to touch her arm. "Mer, I didn't--"

She just jerked away, eyes flashing. "I swear, if you think you can spend today in the OR, your name is not going on the birth certificate, and you can take your stupid ring back," she hissed.

"I told him no," interjected Derek. He grabbed Meredith's arm again, scooting closer to her. "Meredith, of course I told him no."

"Oh…" Her voice quieted some, and she gave a little nod of her head. "Well, good," she said softly. She started to smile, but seemed to change her mind halfway. "That doesn't change the fact that you disappeared without even telling me you were going," she said crossly.

"I know," he agreed. "I'm sorry, I thought I'd be back before you woke up."

"Right," Meredith snorted. "Well, thatproved to be a _brilliant_ plan."

Derek winced at her tone, giving a sad little shrug. "Sorry," he said again. He ran his hand up and down her back, but, other than that, she kept a good foot of the bed between them. "I'm here now, though. No surgeries." She just grunted in reply. The sound wasn't exactly angry anymore, but it had a sharp edge to it, something tired and grumpy. "How're you doing?" he pressed.

"My water broke," she said flatly, still avoiding his eyes to glower down at the printed fabric of her hospital gown.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. And the nurse came by again. She said I'm four centimeters now." A smile crept into her voice at that, her gaze darting towards Derek for a split second before returning to her knees.

"That's great, Mer," he said, grinning down at her. "You're doing great."

She frowned, finally twisting around to really look at him. "Yeah. But what time is it?" Her words held something bitter in them, and he glanced down at his watch, uncertain.

"Quarter to eleven."

"Right…" Meredith bit her lip, worrying it back and forth with her teeth. "That means two centimeters in six hours. That's not great. That's pathetic."

"It's not pathetic," Derek protested. He scooted closer, putting a determined arm around her. "Maybe it's slower than you'd like, but you're doing an amazing job." He touched a hand to her cheek, and she looked up, seeking his eyes out. He tilted his head slightly, winking at her. "All it means is she's as stubborn as you."

Meredith grinned despite herself. "I'm stubborn?" she scoffed. "You're the one who's stubborn." He was halfway to replying when she gave an abrupt shake of her head. "Wait…" she said, her voice twisting away into a whimper. She squeezed her eyes shut, still not used to how strong the contractions had gotten. If she could ever get used to something that carved such a tight and bitter path through her body.

"Shhh," soothed Derek. His one hand still rested on her back, while the other had been relinquished to her grasp, her nails digging angry little crescents into his flesh. "Just breathe, Mer. Nice and slow."

She moaned, letting his voice wash over her. It seemed to seep in through her pores until she was no longer shuddering, but just breathing. Breathing slowly, in and out. Slowly. Finally, she slumped against him, weary and panting.

"Wow," Derek said quietly. "They got--"

"Longer," she supplied with a dry, humorless laugh.

"Yeah." He bent and kissed the top of her head, holding her close to him. "You're doing great though," he continued, his voice low and gentle. Meredith leaned into the sound of his voice, relaxing a little. He was back. Things were… Better, somehow. Less painful. She swallowed hard, suddenly clutching at him.

"You don't get to leave," she blurted out.

Derek just frowned, puzzled. "What?"

She chewed on the corner of her lip, glancing up at him, and then back down at her lap. "I know I went a little crazy," she muttered. "But you have to stay here the entire time. With me."

"I can do that," Derek said. He leaned forward, his voice whispering against her ear. "And you weren't _that _crazy. I'd been told to expect something involving me and a window, but then I got here and…" He shrugged disappointedly. "Nothing. I didn't fear for my life in the slightest. Frankly, it's a little bit of a letdown."

Meredith turned to look at him, disbelieving. "Ass," she muttered, a small smirk playing across her lips.

-----

Time seemed to blur into something immeasurably long and torturous. Hours passed that felt like days, and, by early evening, Meredith swore she'd been in the hospital for a year already. Her friends came and went, stopping by whenever they could steal a few minutes away from their patients, but it did little to break up the monotony of pain and waiting, pain and waiting. The slow crawl towards ten centimeters seemed to have halted stubbornly at five, leaving Derek a little afraid of his increasingly frustrated fiancée.

"This baby does not want to come out," Meredith muttered. Her voice was quiet, but irritated, and she scowled at Derek as she spoke. The hallway stretching out in front of her looked endless, and yet she'd already walked its length more times than she could count. She was half convinced she'd worn some sort of groove into the slick tile from the hours of pacing up and down, leaning heavily against Derek as she walked.

"Of course she wants to come out," he tried gently. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, waiting for Meredith to start moving again. Her brow was knit into a frown, and her mouth was just a thin and angry line. He felt like he'd been blindfolded and made to walk a tightrope, guessing blindly at what would comfort her and what would set her off on another long, ranting diatribe. Just what did the trick seemed to be continually changing.

Meredith looked up at him, vehement. "She does not want to come out," she repeated. "She's decided to live in my uterus forever."

"Mer," Derek said, smiling despite himself. "It's just--"

"No," she continued, cutting him off. "It's not just anything. I have walked a marathon here. I have freaking squatted. I have done everything to get her to come out. She has clearly decided against birth." She stopped abruptly, and Derek tried not to wince as her nails once again dug into him.

"There, see? You're doing great," he murmured softly as she wrung the life out of his hand. "Just try and breathe in and out. That's good. I know it hurts, but keep breathing. It'll help." Meredith's eyes flew open, and she glared at him even as she gasped in pain.

"It'll help?" she hissed angrily. "How about I kick you in the nuts every three minutes, and then you can see just how much a fucking breath of air helps."

Derek swallowed hard. "Well, that's an idea," he said, his voice cautious. Meredith just shook her head, and started walking again. "Come on," he continued. He ran a hand down her back, speaking gently. "I know this is horrible for you, but I'm just trying to help."

She looked up, her expression torn between a frown and a pout. "Technically, I shouldn't even be talking to you right now."

"…What?

Meredith raised an eyebrow at him, aloof. She took another slow step before continuing. "This is all your fault."

He blanched, apprehension filling him. "How so?" he asked hesitantly.

"If you hadn't been so damn horny when we first met… I mean, we date for what? Two months. And already you get me pregnant?"

"I was--"

"And the bar," she continued, speaking over him. "Remember the bar?" He nodded warily. "I was _ignoring _you!"

"Mer," tried Derek.

She shook her head. "All you have to do is look at the history. We can blame this entirely on you and your _stupid _boy penis."

"Mer," he repeated, raising his voice slightly.

"What?" she snapped, the word cracking like a whip. She finally looked up at him, teeth gritted.

Derek just grinned, his eyes crinkling. "I love you."

She started to scowl, but a tiny smile cracked its way across her face, and she settled for rolling her eyes instead. Her mood seemed to improve a little, and, on the way back to her room, she only threatened him with bodily harm once.

When they finally made it back, it was to find Cristina sprawled out across the couch. She'd changed out of her scrubs, and was laying there, absently flipping through a magazine. "Took you long enough," she said, looking up. "I've seen turtles walk faster than that."

Meredith frowned, but simply sank wearily down onto the bed.

"Wait," said Derek, incredulous. He raked a hand through his hair, glancing back and forth between the two women. "I tell you you're doing a great job, and you tell me to go to hell. She compares you to a turtle, and gets off free?"

Meredith looked up at him, and gave a slight shrug. "Apparently," she said, her voice thick with exhaustion. He started to protest, but seemed to think better of it. Instead, he heaved a sigh, collapsing into the chair beside her bed. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, staring blankly down at the floor.

"You see, McDreamy," said Cristina, grinning delightedly at him. "Your problem is that you do not have a vagina. As Mer's trying to shove a person out of hers, this is currently making you The Enemy." She shrugged, and flipped to the next page in her magazine. "There's really nothing you can do about it." He nodded resignedly, pressing the heels of his hands hard against his closed eyes. "Well, go on," continued Cristina. "I'm not about to give you all night."

Both Meredith and Derek looked up, confused. "What?" they asked in unison.

"My shift's over. Go, eat food. Whatever." She tucked her hands behind her head, and smiled proudly. "It is my gift to you," she declared.

"You want Derek to go and eat?" asked Meredith. She frowned and reached up, rearranging her ponytail.

"I don't have to go, Mer," Derek said quickly. He glanced at her, trying to ignore the hunger pangs that had been plaguing him for the past few hours. "It's fine. I'm not hungry."

She pursed her lips, and gave a disbelieving shake of her head. She scooted further back on the bed, collapsing against the pillows. "Go eat," she said quietly. "You've been with me all day, and the baby's not coming out any time soon." Her voice was a soft tired whisper, her eyes solemn. She smiled a little as Derek got to his feet, crossing over to her.

"You're sure?" he asked, cupping her face in his hands.

"Yeah…" she sighed. She leaned into his touch, and took a slow heavy breath. She whimpered in pain as another contraction sent her leaning even further forward, burying her face against his chest.

"I can stay," he insisted, rubbing his hands slowly up and down her back. She just shook her head, her hair rustling against his sweater.

"No…" she moaned, the sound muffled by his body. "I'm fine. I'm…" She shuddered. Forced herself to breathe again. Tried to blot out the pain. "I'm," she repeated when she'd finally straightened back up. "I'm good. You go and eat, just…don't take to long." She bit her lip, pressing a hand against her stomach. "And don't come back smelling like any sort of weird food," she added weakly. "Just talking about it is making me feel sick."

"Okay," he agreed, softly touching his thumb to her chin. "I won't even be twenty minutes. Call me if you need _anything_, okay?" Meredith gave a tired little nod, and he turned to thank Cristina. She just rolled her eyes, shooing him out of the room.

She quirked an eyebrow at her friend as the door swung closed. "Do we have to do the whole thing where I hold your hand and tell you to breathe?"

"No…" Meredith wrinkled her nose, managing a small smile. "That'd be weird."

Once he was away from Meredith, exhaustion caught up with Derek. Even keeping his eyes open seemed to suddenly take an inordinate amount of energy. He slumped down at a table in the cafeteria, ignoring the almost continual onslaught of curious glances from the other employees. A few people walked up as he ate, asking about the baby. He managed to grunt out some sort of mumbled reply as he slumped over a sandwich and a bowl of soup. His head ached. His body ached. Everything ached, really. It was as if even his cells were exhausted. He wanted to curl up in the cheap plastic seat and just sleep. He yawned, his jaw cracking as it stretched as wide as it could. Slumping forward, he buried his face in the palms of his hands. But, as soon as he closed his eyes and tried to rest, his mind flashed back to Meredith. He heaved a guilty sigh, and straightened back up. She had to be every bit as tired as him, not to mention in pain he couldn't even imagine. He scrubbed his hands over his face, rubbing roughly at his heavy eyelids. His arm felt like a dead weight, and the spoon a ton of bricks, but he forced himself to shovel the entire bowl of soup down as fast as he could scoop and swallow. Scoop and swallow, scoop and swallow… It was a tedious rhythm, the soup seeming tasteless. The sandwich wasn't much better. Just cardboard. Or maybe sawdust. But, soon enough, every last crumb had vanished. He groaned, forcing himself back up onto his feet. He took a shuffling unsteady step. Yawned like some sort of gaping mouthed lion, and stumbled into the elevator back up to Meredith.

When he reached her room, he found her seated beside Cristina. The two women were talking in lowered voices, their expressions serious. They fell silent as soon as they caught sight of him. Cristina got to her feet, squeezing Meredith's shoulder. And then, with what he thought might be a sad sort of smile, she walked wordlessly out of the room, leaving him alone with Meredith.

"Hi," she said quietly, looking up at him. "Did you eat?"

"Yeah…" He crossed over to the bed, dropping down into the chair beside her. He leaned forward, legs spread and his weight balanced on his knees. "How are you?" he asked, trying to swallow his own exhaustion as he looked up and caught sight of the strange, weary light in her eyes.

She shrugged, chewing on her lower lip. "Uh…the doctor wants to talk to us. I wanted to wait until you got back, and well, now you're back. So…" She sighed, teeth digging even deeper into her lip. "Can you go get the nurse to page her?"

Derek just nodded, squeezing her hands as he got to his feet. He flagged down their nurse, getting a perky "right away" in response before hurrying back to Meredith. Staring at her from the doorway, she looked so disheartened, so broken that his stomach clenched with fear. She looked ready to burst into tears. He swallowed hard, steeling himself to walk back into the room. To make things better for her… Somehow.

"Mer," he murmured as he sat down in front of her again. She was breathing slowly. Her lips were drawn together into a quiet, pained grimace, but she tried to smile at him. Tried to. The failed attempt nearly broke his heart. "Hey," he said, taking her hand in his again, and worrying at her fingers. "What's wrong?"

"She, ah…" Meredith hesitated, and gave a little shake of her head. "She used the scary doctor voice."

"The scary doctor voice?"

"Yeah. Um… Polite, mildly concerned." She waved her hand aimlessly, adding, "Meant to disguise bad news." Her teeth were leaving angry red indents in her lower lip, and her eyes grew wide, suddenly shimmering beneath a sheen of tears. "Just, what if something really is wrong, Derek?" she asked, her voice tremulous. "What if the baby's dying, or--"

"Hey," said Derek, cutting her off as soon as the words left her mouth. He gripped her hands firmly in his, stilling their trembling. "If she thought the baby was in real danger, you wouldn't have been waiting for me with only an off-duty intern for company. You'd already be in the OR. Come on, Mer." He scooted closer to her, his voice low and earnest, pleading with her. "Don't freak yourself out like that."

"Ah, great. You're both here," came a cheerful voice just as Meredith was slowly starting to nod her head. Elizabeth bustled into the room, crossing over to the couple.

"Yeah. We're here," Derek said. He frowned, his hand resting possessively over Meredith's shoulder. "Is something wrong?"

Elizabeth tilted her head slightly from side to side, lips pursed. "Well, it's not ideal," she said as she lowered herself into a chair. She had Meredith's chart in hand, and she flipped through it before looking up at her. "You're progressing very slowly, Meredith," she said gently. "According to the nurses, you've been stuck at a five for quite a few hours now."

"Yeah," murmured Meredith. She glanced down at her lap. The hand that wasn't gripping Derek's was hovering anxiously over her belly. She tried to fix a determined smile on her face, but she couldn't seem to remember how to smile. She felt frozen with fear and worry, unable to do much more than nod her head.

"Now, it's possible your labor could pick up again on it's own, and you could dilate to ten centimeters," continued Elizabeth. "But, it sounds like you've already done everything I'd suggest for that, and--"

"It hasn't worked," Meredith interrupted dejectedly.

"Right," said Elizabeth. She nodded and clasped her hands together, scooting forward slightly in her chair. "You're both doctors, so I'm really preaching to the choir here, but there's a chance you're labor could stall altogether, and, since your water's already broken…"

"There's a greater risk of infection," supplied Meredith, her voice dull and tired. She drew in a slow shaky breath, steeling herself as another contraction clenched its way through her. She closed her eyes to the pain, waiting and waiting for it to peak and fade away. "What do you think I should do?" she asked at last, looking back at Elizabeth.

"The way I see it, we've two options," said the older woman. "If you want, we can just go ahead and do a c-section for failure to progress, or we can try putting you on Pitocin. It'll make your contractions stronger, and hopefully get you dilated to a ten."

"Right…" breathed Meredith, staring down at her stomach. At her baby. It had been dark when they'd come to the hospital, and now the sky was dark again. She'd thought she would be holding her daughter by now, and instead… Instead she was sitting here with no baby. With nothing. With absolutely nothing other than a lot of pain and confusion. She sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "With Pitocin…" she said slowly, her mind flashing back to the horror stories she'd heard about the drug. The pain. The god awful, unbearable pain. She chewed on her lip, growing wide eyed as she stared at her doctor.

"You'll be monitored carefully the entire time," said Elizabeth.

"Right," Meredith repeated. "Right…" She glanced up at Derek, uncertain. "What should I do?" she asked, her voice a thin and trembling thing.

He sighed, smoothing her mussed hair. "Mer," he said, her name curving gently off his tongue. "It's your body, I can't choose. I want whatever you want, okay?"

She nodded slowly, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I-- I didn't want surgery," she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. She laid a cautious hand on her stomach, rubbing gently back and forth. "If the baby's still okay, I'll uh… Pitocin." She swallowed again, forcing her voice up a few decibels. "Try the Pitocin."

"Okay," said Elizabeth, already getting to her feet. She offered Meredith a warm smile as she absently pushed her chair out of the way. "I'll have a nurse come in and get you started, and hopefully that'll get things back on track."

Meredith seemed to crumble a little as the doctor left, her shoulders slumping forward and her eyes dimming. Derek sat down beside her, wrapping her gently in his arms. "It's okay," he whispered, his lips brushing against her ear as he spoke.

She gave a weak nod, looking at him warily out of the corner of her eye. "I feel like crying," she admitted. "But…" She laughed, and the sound was bitter and weary. "That wouldn't really help anything." He just murmured in agreement, folding her tiny hand close with his. Meredith closed her eyes, her voice growing quiet and distant. "I know I'm usually the pessimist here, but…they've already pumped me full of so many drugs for this baby. I just, I thought… No. I _hoped _that everything would just go perfect for once. All on it's own." She laughed again, but it seemed to be as much a sob as it was anything else.

"Mer," said Derek softly. She didn't say anything, simply sat there with her head tilted towards her lap, eyes closed. He reached out, and curved one finger gently under her chin. Slowly he turned her to face him, brushing the hair back from her face, and letting his fingertips just graze over the dark fringe of her eyelashes. Still Meredith didn't open her eyes, and so he leaned forward until his lips met hers. Softly, gently, he kissed her, and she grudgingly let her eyelids flutter open as they pulled apart. "Maybe this isn't perfect," he allowed, his voice low and measured. "But that's okay. All that matters is that our daughter is perfect, and she will be. You're her mother."

"Yeah…"

For all the conviction in Derek's voice, Meredith's was the opposite. She nodded her head and looked away, once again feeling as if she were swallowing her tears. They turned into a hard and bitter lump as she banned them from her eyes, leaving her feeling like she was trying to force a rock down her throat. But she gave Derek a shaky smile, wanting to believe in his bottomless well of confidence.

She found herself feeling suddenly chained to the bed as a nurse came in and strapped a belt around her stomach, hooking her up to a fetal monitor. Derek sat beside her, talking to her in a low voice that was perfect, and reassuring, and full of love, and yet… It did absolutely nothing to calm her. She couldn't keep from staring as the IV needle was slid into her arm, and the first of the Pitocin pushed in through it. Somehow, it all felt familiar. Horribly familiar. Meredith sighed heavily. She let her head fall back against the pillows, waiting for something to happen.

And it did.

The change came sooner than she'd anticipated. The saving grace about her contractions--the rhythm she'd been able to grasp almost perfectly--just sort of shivered and fell away, fading like smoke. In its place came something that she couldn't understand and couldn't predict. The contractions swept up unannounced, stronger than before. Stronger than before… That didn't begin to do them justice. They were sharp and biting, long and tortured; like knives with blades that burned like fire, stabbing into her while she lay on a bed of broken glass. They were something jagged and hurting, rendering her nearly senseless as she gasped, the sound breaking in agony. Derek's voice just blurred away beneath the roar that was waves of pain, coming one on top of the other with barely a moment to breathe in between.

To breathe…

She wasn't even sure how that worked anymore. In and out. In and out. Curl up and die.

If only she could.

-----

_Okay…so, this chapter was a bit less fun and cheerful than the previous one. Derek's trying very hard to be there for Mer even though he's exhausted himself, but, more often than not, he ends up annoying her. Pretty much everything's annoying her at this point though. Which was the best part to write, by the way. I adore angry Mer, and I confess I desperately wanted to work in a way for her to say "you and your stupid boy penis." But, even with the occasional bursts of anger, I think Mer's grateful to have Derek there. Derek is pretty good at calming her down, and just trying to be there for her. She very much wanted this to all go perfectly, even while she kept expecting the worst, and when she realizes she isn't going to get a hundred percent "perfect," she's upset. But having him there, it's helping. And I guess that's about it for now… _

_Thanks for reading! _


	38. Hold You in My Arms

_Okay, so…I didn't want to leave Meredith stuck in labor-limbo for too long. Here's the next chapter. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed, I know people are getting impatient for the baby to get out already! And thanks again to __**carsonfiles **__for her help with the being in labor details. Now, onto the story!_

_-----_

Derek stared down at Meredith, feeling utterly helpless. He had her small hand clasped between his two larger ones, her fingers gripping his tightly as if desperate for something to hold onto. Her eyes were wide open, but she wasn't looking at him. She was staring blankly up at the ceiling, her lips pursed into a thin little line to keep from screaming. He pulled one of his hands from hers, holding on tighter with the other, and reached out to touch her cheek. Her skin was smooth and soft beneath his fingertips, no different than normal, but her face was twisted into a pained grimace that was a world away from her usual smile.

She turned towards his touch, relinquishing her fascination with the ceiling to lock eyes with him. "Mer…" he said, her name shuddering from his lips in a broken rush of sound. Her eyes were haunting, making him think of some caged and tortured animal, full of something wild and afraid. "Mer," he repeated, scooting closer until the edge of the bed dug uncomfortably into his knees. He let his hand drift from her cheek to her brow. Little beaded drops of sweat were forming there, soaking her hair and matting it to her forehead. Gently, he brushed the dirty blonde strands back away from her face, smoothing them towards the disheveled remains of her ponytail. And he stared at her, watched as finally her rigid expression slackened, and she gasped loudly, like someone breaking the surface after too long underwater.

She gasped again. Swallowed hard, and stared up at him, shoulders shaking. "Hurts," she said in a small voice.

"I know," Derek murmured, still stroking the side of her face. He shook his head, unsure of what to say. He was supposed to know. He was sure he was supposed to know, but…all he could think was that he wanted to carry her far away. He wanted to pick her up, and take her somewhere safe, somewhere where contractions didn't come less than a minute apart, somewhere where they already had their daughter, and were past this. Words seemed to die silently on his tongue, and so he stared, helpless. He just watched as she bit her lip again, moaning as she got caught up in the pain of yet another contraction.

Everything blurred into an uneasy rhythm of stroking her hair and holding her hand, watching as Meredith went from gasping, and gasping, and gasping in pain to taking a breath of relief, only to fall right back into agony again. He felt as if all his organs had been ripped out, cast in lead, and then dropped haphazardly back down his throat. They'd been left to roll around inside him in a heavy pile of unease. He wanted to vomit or cry or pull out her IV…maybe all three. But instead, Derek just leaned forward. He pressed his forehead into the mattress, the top of his head just touching Meredith's shoulder. He kept her hand clutched close to him, holding the cold slender fingers to his lips. He held onto her and murmured her name even as he squeezed his eyes shut. Time no longer had meaning beyond the steady beeping of the monitor, and he didn't shift as his arm grew numb from lying twisted beneath him. He just waited.

"Derek…?"

The faint whimper of Meredith's voice jerked him back up, and out of his thoughts. "What?" he asked, leaning even closer to her. "What is it? Do you need something?" His voice was hurried and frantic. It sounded unfamiliar; some stranger speaking through his lips.

Meredith just gave a weak little shrug, and shook her head slowly back and forth. "I…don't know," she managed, a single tear escaping to cut a path down the side of her face. "I just… I don't--" She moaned again, the sound growing into something loud and wavering. She shifted slightly, gripping at his sweater to pull herself towards him. She collapsed a few inches from his chest, and he eased her closer, letting her burry her face in the soft fabric of his sweater.

"I know," he murmured as she sobbed in pain, her voice muffled by his body. "You're doing great though. You're doing so…" But he trailed off as she let out a strangled little cry. It sliced right through him, and he crumpled around her, pressing his lips to the top of her head. "I'm sorry," Derek whispered, his voice as tortured as hers. "I'm so sorry."

He lay with her, his face buried in her hair, breathing in the soft, flowery scent. He was supposed to be comforting her, and yet…he felt desperate for comfort himself. She looked so… She didn't look like Meredith. Someone had robbed him of the woman he loved, leaving him with nothing more than a tortured echo in her place. And so he just held onto her, letting the smell of her hair fill him as he tried to think of what to do. He could hear her breathing in and out against him, the sound hitching with little whimpering moans. Occasionally it dissolved into something sad and shaking that he thought might be her crying. But, when he tried to pull back to see her face, she just shook her head. She shook it frantically, and clung to him, moaning something he thought might have been "no." But maybe not… Helplessness washed over him, sending him careening back towards his tiny square of the bed. In lieu of something better to say, some better way to comfort her, he murmured her name. He whispered it over and over until the syllables ran together, coming out as reverent as they were broken, twisting their way into a bitter prayer.

He only lifted his head when the door swung open, and the sound of footsteps announced the return of the nurse. He rubbed his face roughly against the palm of his hand before turning to stare bleary eyed at the woman. Meredith still lay angled towards him with a tent of his sweater wrung tightly in her fist. Her eyes were squeezed shut, her face contorted into a pained rictus.

Derek watched as the nurse paced swiftly about the room, checking the Pitocin drip and the monitor. She moved down towards the foot of the bed, leaning forward and placing a gloved hand on Meredith's leg, readjusting her. Meredith moaned and shuddered, but complied wordlessly. Derek raked a hand through his hair, glaring at the nurse. "She can't take this," he snapped. The words came out far too harsh, far too accusing, but he couldn't bring himself to care. The woman he loved looked like she'd been plucked from some freaking medieval torture device, her face drained of color and distorted beneath a mask of pain. Some distant part of his mind knew that he'd be rolling his eyes at himself if he were the one in scrubs. Dr. Shepherd would be shaking his head at the idiocy of blaming the nurse for doing her job. He'd be calm and collected, not the mess he felt like now. But, he just didn't care.

The nurse looked up, not seeming to be affected by his manner in the slightest. Instead, she offered him a sympathetic little smile. "It can take awhile to get used to the intensity," she said gently.

"No. She can't take this," he repeated, the anger in his voice only thickening. He glanced back down at Meredith. Her face was still tilted towards him, but her eyes were squeezed shut. She was breathing heavily, apparently ignoring both of them all together. Gingerly, he reached out and touched her sweat streaked skin. "It's killing her," he muttered before letting his eyes snap back towards the nurse. "The dosage must be too high."

"It's working," countered the woman as she got up from her place between Meredith's legs.

Derek frowned, his eyes still dark and unfriendly. "What?"

"She's already a six," said the nurse with a shrug. She cast a final glance at the monitor, and pulled off her gloves, leaving the room without another word.

He shook his head, watching blankly as the door swung shut. It closed with a heavy thud, and the room was once again a tortured little cocoon, the beeping of the monitor divvying up the moments that passed. "Meredith," he whispered, turning back towards her.

"Mmmm?" she moaned. She opened her eyes to stare at him even as she tightened her hold on his hand, wincing in pain.

"It's working," he said gently, smiling down at her. "The nurse said you're already a six."

"I am?" Her voice was thin and wavering, but it was two words strung together instead of just an anguished groan. Derek's smile broadened into a grin, and he nodded his head.

"Yeah," he said, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. "You are."

She let out a weak little laugh, smiling at him. "Finally."

"Finally," he echoed. "You're over halfway there."

"Just barely," she snorted, rolling her eyes. She'd hardly got the words out before she was gasping in pain again, distracted by another contraction. Still, there'd been an undercurrent of hope to their conversation, and Derek found himself smiling and leaning closer towards her.

"You're doing great," he murmured. "You can do this, Mer."

Meredith seemed to fly from six centimeters to seven, getting there in just over half an hour. It all happened in a blur for her. Little seemed to exist outside the wall of pain that had draped itself over her, and few things managed to make it past that tortured, twisted barrier to become something she could focus on. Derek's voice crossed it more than anything else, but even he seemed to waver in and out, slipping back to the opposite side of the wall as often as not. The nurses, the doctor, everything else… It all tended to meld together, and she let it fade away in favor of curling inward in pain. It was a little easier to breathe that way, but her mind ran wild, painting entire nightmares for herself out of the word or two she managed to catch.

The crawl from a seven to an eight was a little less painful, but it took longer. Meredith didn't realize until later that it was because they'd lowered the Pitocin. She was too busy relishing the fact that, instead of a split-second to gasp in air before the next contraction, she had almost a full minute to breathe. After the continual onslaught of one contraction on top of the other, it was heaven. Heaven complete with horrible biting pain, but still…a step up.

The thrill of a chance to breathe wore off by the time she'd reached eight centimeters, and the time between contractions began to lessen again. Only this time, nobody had upped the Pitocin. Her body seemed to be shaving off seconds all on its own.

Meredith shivered, feeling suddenly cold. She closed her eyes and gasped as the contraction running through her peaked not once, but twice. Pain seemed to fill every inch of her body, and she shook her head, suddenly dizzy and miserable.

"Meredith?" asked Derek, turning back from watching the monitor at the sound of her shuddering.

She just sobbed, and shook her head. "I can't…" she choked out, staring wide eyed up at him.

"Of course you can," he said softly as she let out a mewling little cry, already caught up in the next contraction. They were stronger. She swore they were stronger than they'd ever been, tearing their way through her in endless agonizing waves. "You're so close," continued Derek as he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I know this is hard, but you're _almost _there, Mer." Meredith just shifted unhappily, letting out a loud angry moan. "What is it?" he pressed as she shoved her hand down hard against the mattress, suddenly growling in frustration.

"I can't…lay down. Anymore," she hissed, hating the bed. "It. Hurts. Too much." She tried to move only to find herself distracted by another bolt of pain stabbing its way across her belly. She glared up at Derek, her eyes dark and frantic and angry. "They peak twice," she gasped, grabbing at his hand. "They freaking peak _twice." _

"You're almost a ten, Mer," Derek said, brushing her hair out of her eyes. "That's why. You're close. It's okay."

She gave a sharp shake of her head, going back to trying to move the second the pain started to lessen. "I can't," she repeated, shivering violently.

"You can't what?" he pressed, forcing himself to speak calmly, to force the worry out of his voice. "Did you want to sit up?"

"Okay," she whimpered. She never wanted to lay down again in her life. It hurt. Anything had to be better than laying down. She was sure it was the worst position in the entire world. She leaned heavily against Derek, letting him ease her up until she was sitting propped by her pillow.

"Better?" he asked hopefully.

Meredith looked at him, wavering somewhere between furious and miserable. "No," she growled, her voice growing unsteady as another fierce shiver shook through her, making her small shoulders tremble.

Derek frowned, his hand rubbing gently up and down her arm. "Do you want to lay back down?"

"Noooo…" moaned Meredith. She bit her lip hard, letting her teeth clench down as her body seized up again. It was a horrible lurching pattern of up and down, up and down, sharp spokes of pain searing through her stomach twice. "No. I don't… It hurts. I don't, I can't," she panted, her voice wretched and shaking. She gasped, squeezing her eyes shut, only to let them fly wide open again. "I don't freaking know, Derek!" she wailed at last.

"Okay," he murmured softly, soothingly. "Let's just sit for a little while then. We'll sit here and breathe, okay?" He smiled at her questioningly. She gave a resigned nod, her smile dying before it reached her lips. "That's it, Mer," he continued, rubbing her hand in his. "Just breathe." His voice became a stream of reassuring words, and, for awhile, it seemed to work. Meredith stared up at him, her green eyes locked with his blue ones, panting her way through the endless, double-edged waves of pain. But eventually, the sound of his voice wasn't enough to blot out the horrible flip-flopping between hot and cold. One minute she would be shivering, and the next, wiping frantically at her brow, feeling as if she were burning up. A particularly violent shiver shook its way through her on the tail end of a contraction, sending her teeth chattering, and her hand stretching out for the blanket. It had slipped down to her knees, and her fingers scraped futilely at the mattress, missing its edge by an inch.

"Cold," Meredith moaned, shivering again. "I'm so cold."

Derek moved instantly to fetch the blanket, pulling it up to her shoulders. Still shaking, she shoved her arms violently beneath it, wincing as the IV needle shifted and jiggled. "There," he said, gently smoothing out the folds in the blanket. He rubbed his hands up and down her arms, trying to warm her. "Are you still cold?"

Meredith shrugged, helpless. "I don't know," she gasped again, before suddenly kicking angrily at the blanket. Something hot and nauseous washed over her with the next contraction. She bit down on her lip to keep from gagging as pain spiraled through her again. It seemed to stretch on endlessly, pulling her thoughts away from her until her mind was a blank slate. Something bitter and dark. She shuddered violently as the pain finally faded, still trying to keep from gagging.

"You don't know?" echoed Derek when her eyes focused on him again.

"What?" she mumbled, disoriented.

"You're not cold?"

"No," she growled. She shook her head, angry and uncomfortable. "Why would I've got rid of the fucking blanket if I was cold? I'm _hot!_ I'm too…" But her voice faded away into a moan, suddenly feeling too nauseous to finish speaking without vomiting. Meredith swallowed hard, and forced the bile back down her throat. The acrid slimy feel that filled her had her shuddering again, shuddering and moaning and trying not to cry.

"I know," Derek said quietly, pressing her hand to his lips, kissing each knuckle in turn. "I know. Try and keep breathing nice and slow," he soothed. "Nice deep breaths."

"I can't," Meredith panted, her chest heaving. "I can't. I can't do this, Derek." She whimpered, giving another frantic shake of her head. "Make it stop. Please, _please _make it stop." Her voice grew ranting and tortured as her body contracted sharply. Derek pressed a hand to her brow, smoothing back her hair. Her skin was clammy to the touch, drenched in cold sweat.

"Easy, Mer. You're so close," he said gently, wiping her forehead dry. "Do you want to try laying down again?"

Meredith shook her head, hardly processing the question. "I don't…" she murmured, closing her eyes to the horrid jagged pain. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't…anything. Everything was miserable and painful, and she couldn't do it. She felt as if she were tumbling head over heels, careening towards the edge of a cliff, about to fall over it into something dark and despairing. She clutched at Derek's hand, trying to listen to him, trying to breathe, trying to just _try. _Her breath came in ragged gasps as the contraction peaked once, twice. She gasped for a moment, and then cried out. Pain went spearing through her once again, one last kick to push her over the cliff. "I can't," she shrieked, her voice cracking with a sob. She grabbed Derek's wrist, yanking on it in a desperate angry burst of strength. She was done trying to do this on her own. Done with being tough. Done with freaking managing. "I. Want. Drugs." she hissed, glaring at him. "Get me something. Anything." She paused, seeming to change her mind, adding, "_Everything_."

"You want an epidural?" he asked gently, leaning back in his chair to try and glimpse the nurse through the doorway.

"No," Meredith snarled, eyes flashing. "I want a gun to shoot myself with. Of course I want the epidural!"

"Okay," Derek said quickly. He scooted his chair back, and leapt to his feet. "I'll be right--"

"Now," interrupted Meredith, groaning in frustration. She slipped back into another hurting spiral, her hand clutching at her stomach. "I can't… I can't do this, Derek," she whimpered. "Please, _go." _She barely registered him leaving the room as the contraction robbed her of her ability to focus on anything other than the pain. It was just one, long tortured moment after another until suddenly, he was sitting back down beside her, and picking her hand up again. "Well?" she gasped, her voice coming out small and wretched.

Derek smiled down at her. "They've paged anesthesiology, and someone should be up here soon, okay?"

"Yeah…" she whispered, still trembling. Meredith lost track of time again, seething inwardly every time someone would walk past the room. Her hopes would rise at the sound of approaching footsteps, only to plummet straight back down as she realized it was a nurse, and not the anesthesiologist.

"They'll be here soon," promised Derek over and over. He felt helpless trying to calm her down, as if his words fell on deaf ears. Still, Meredith's face split into a grin when the anesthesiologist finally appeared, his cart rattling along in front of him. He was short and blonde, with a ruddy face. She didn't think she recognized him. Maybe… But probably not. Whatever. He was here. It'd barely been ten minutes of waiting, but she swore it'd been a lifetime.

"You're here," she gasped, beaming up at him through the pain.

"I am," he answered back cheerfully enough. "The name's Dr. Fielding. Or Joey." He shrugged. "Take your pick." His voice was warm and rolling, with the faintest hint of a southern accent, and Meredith drank in the sound.

She turned towards Derek, and reached out for his hand again. "My epidural's here," she whispered. Relief lingered just a hair away. She could see it, the promise of it laying there in Joey's cart. She was halfway to smiling up at Derek when something within her shifted, and she groaned desperately. Her smile faltered prematurely, her grip on his hand tightening. Pressure seemed to mount within her in the blink of an eye. "Something's…." Meredith pursed her lips together, giving a frantic shake of her head. She curled forward impulsively, her shoulders lifting away from the pillows. "I have to--"

Derek leaned forward. "You have to what?"

"Push," she groaned, her body forcing her to give in and bear down.

Joey looked up from his cart with a frown. "How far along is she?" he asked, directing his question towards the nurse that had walked in behind him.

"Just shy of an eight."

Meredith was still curled forward, panting desperately to ward off the desire to push. She stared at the cart, wistful. "I want…the epidural," she whined. Her voice came out weak and pathetic, and she would've hated the sound of it if she wasn't so caught up with trying not to push.

A moment later, the nurse was bent forward between her legs, shaking her head. "Sweetheart, you're at ten now," she said gently. "It's too late for one."

"Right," said Joey, giving a sharp little nod of his head. He pivoted around to push the cart back out of the room. "No epidural for you," he said with a grin. And then he was rattling away down the hall, robbing her of her sweet, sweet relief. She wanted to force him to come back, but all she could do was groan angrily as her body won out over her will. She found herself bearing down again, the pressure inside her building until it was irresistible.

She pushed.

And then her world was a whirl of action; the nurse shifting things about, paging the doctor, Elizabeth suddenly appearing in the doorway. Meredith felt torn halfway between exhaustion and excitement, wishing she could just pop the baby out with one, giant, comical shove. But she didn't. Of course not. After today, she was pretty sure that her name and "lucky" had no business existing anywhere in the same sentence. Probably not even the same paragraph. Still, the first official push with the doctor between her legs and the slow, tortured counting to ten wasn't so bad. On the scale from exhausted to excited, it was veering pretty sharply towards excited.

By the third push, she'd already cursed at the nurse, and told her to get rid of the damn mirror. That she was a doctor, and had seen the "miracle" of life more times than she could count. That it was more like the gross, disgusting, life-producing whatever than some shiny, sparkly miracle.

By the fifth push, the needle on the scale had slipped from pointing towards excited to wavering somewhere in the middle.

By the sixth, it was tilted decidedly towards exhausted.

_One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten…_

The numbers drifted through her head. The doctor was counting. Derek was counting. Everyone was freaking counting. It was like being stuck in some twisted version of a Sesame Street episode, where all the other Muppets had been killed off, and she was stuck with that Stupid. Counting. Vampire. In a time loop. Forever.

Meredith groaned, and flopped back down against the pillows. "I can't," she groaned, breathing heavily in the gap that came between contractions. It was a little longer than before, at least there was that. She could breathe. _Several _times. That should be enough to make her happy, keep her going, but all she wanted was for this to be over so that she could sleep. Apparently, she was some sort of horrible mother who wanted a nap more than she wanted to hold her daughter. Meredith shook her head, dejected. "I can't, I can't, I can't," she chanted, ignoring Elizabeth's renewed urging to push. She let her body do what it wanted, but added nothing. She couldn't. She was tired. She need a…

She needed a nap.

"Mer, you can do this," Derek said earnestly, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze.

She just frowned, and shook her head. Of course he'd sound earnest. He didn't realize that she was some sort of horrible, nap-seeking mother-to-be.

Still, he looked so happy, so trusting; just some poor, naïve idiot who hadn't yet realized he'd placed his bet on a loosing horse. A napping horse. She gave a seventh push for him, but it was enough to break the scale, and leave her firmly parked in exhausted. She stopped pushing way before ten, and just lay there. Gasping.

The voices washed over her, the stupid counting voices. Meredith closed her eyes and ignored them, tiredness clinging to her like cobwebs. She let one contraction pass by. And then another. And another.

"Meredith, dear." Elizabeth's voice forced its way in past the cobwebs, sharp with concern. "You're not pushing hard enough. Can you try a little harder for me?"

Meredith let out a frustrated groan that was really more of a snarl. No. She couldn't push harder. She. Couldn't. Push. At. All.

"Mer, come on." Somehow, she was staring into Derek's eyes; two orbs of deep blue that swam before her. His voice was gentle and low, the sound wrapping its way around her. "I know you're tired. I know you want to give up, but you can do this." He had her hand in his again, his lips brushing soft like wings against her knuckles. "You're doing so well, and you're almost there. Just a little bit more, and we can see our daughter. Think of that."

His words tore a sob right out of her, and Meredith shook her head. Something seemed to break, and the words came pouring out of her in a guilty, agonized rush. "I can't," she gasped, tilting until her forehead was just a hair away from his. "I can't, Derek. I'm sorry." She shuddered, tears mingling in with the sweat that streaked her face. "I wanna go home. Please, _please… _Let's go home, and we can take a nap." Her voice broke into a wail, and she clutched wildly at him, her nails scraping against the soft fabric of his sweater. "A nap," she whimpered again. "I can't… I'm so tired. You're tired. We need to sleep. Please, we need to sleep." Meredith paused as another contraction passed uneventfully through her, gasping at the pain and the pressure. And then she was off again, pleading wildly with him. "Please, Derek. I promise. Just take me home, and we'll sleep, and then… I'll do it. I swear." She nodded vehemently as she spoke, her voice filled with desperate, shuddering sobs. "I'll push. Ten seconds, no cheating," she added. "Derek, please." She clutched at him. "I'm tired. I'm so, so tired."

"I know," Derek whispered as soon as she stopped to take a breath. He leaned forward, his lips brushing gently against her brow. And then, she was being shifted forward, hands lifting her until she wasn't laying against the bed again. Her back was pressed against Derek's chest, her head resting against his shoulder. His arms reached around her, cradling her, and finding her hands. "I know you're tired," he continued, and his voice murmured against her ear. It sounded like …water. "I know, I know, I know." Over and over like a lullaby until she was sighing instead of shuddering.

Meredith swallowed hard, clenching his hands as hard as she could. The scale was still firmly broken at exhausted, but she was laying in Derek's arms, and that was almost as good as a nap. "I just…" she said, her voice small.

"I know," he repeated, pressing his lips to the side of her head. "I love you, Mer. I love you. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. If anyone can do this, it's you."

She whimpered, leaning heavily against him. Closed her eyes and tried to push the needle up and away from exhausted, only to have it flop right back down. "No…" she whispered, not really wanting him to hear.

"Just one push," Derek continued, apparently still stupid enough to keep betting on his losing horse. "Can you push just once?"

Just once…

Meredith swallowed hard, trying to find some strength, somewhere. Once. She could do it one more time. For Derek.

She screwed her eyes shut, her face twisting with the effort. She grunted, grit her teeth and held her breath, and… Pushed.

She pushed an eighth time. Ten seconds, no cheating.

And as she did, Derek took her hand, guiding it down to fall between her legs. Her fingertips grazed against something solid and unfamiliar, the sensation sending a jolt through her body. Ticked the scale back ever so slightly towards excited. "What?" she gasped. "That's… Is that?" She trailed off, her lips pressed against Derek's neck as she let her head loll to the side, needing him to answer.

"That's her head," he promised, and his voice sent another sharp excited jolt through her body. The scale ticked back a few more points.

"The head? _Her _head?"

Derek nodded, his chin bumping gently against her with the motion, and Meredith pushed the ninth time without anyone telling her to.

"Oh, good job, Meredith," said Elizabeth, leaning forward in her chair. "One more push and the head will be crowning."

Meredith laughed, disbelieving. Derek's voice was once again a stream of encouragement pouring in through her ear. She gasped and tried to push, only to flounder a little…trailing off after a few seconds as exhaustion slammed back into her from behind.

"Tired," she croaked. Stupid, tired, losing horse. She couldn't even push when her baby's head was about to crown. Derek really should change his bet.

But he didn't seem to mind. He just wrapped her that much tighter in his arms, murmuring in agreement. "I know," he said softly. "It's okay. Take a minute to breathe, Mer. Rest, and then we'll try again." He whispered to her as she sucked down air like it was going out of style. Panted and panted and tried to convince the scale to swing straight back to excited all on its own. But the needle didn't shift at all. It just lay there, apathetic, ignoring her.

"Derek," Meredith said faintly, trying to get him to understand. The scale was broken once again. Broken.

"Alright, you can do this," he continued as the monitor gave away the arrival of the next contraction. "Just push, Meredith. Nothing else, just push. Please."

And she did. His voice coursed through her like oxygen, and she pushed a tenth time. It was ten long seconds of feeling as if she was being torn, stretched and ripped in two. Split decidedly down the middle. And then…

"Alright. Easy, Meredith," Elizabeth said. "The head's crowning. Don't push. Just give it a moment."

"Don't push?" echoed Meredith, feeling suddenly delirious. She fell back against Derek's shoulder even as he leaned forward slightly, and she let her eyes close.

"Okay, good," continued Elizabeth. "I want you to push again with the next contraction. Can you do that for me?"

Meredith just grunted in reply, gripping Derek's hand as hard as she could, trying to blot out the thought that she was being torn in half.

She pushed the eleventh time without hardly realizing, everything but Derek's voice just falling away from her. She thought she heard something more about the head… Maybe. At least she didn't feel quite so split in two anymore.

The twelfth and final push was quick on the heels of the eleventh. It was more instinct than effort. Meredith barely even realized she was doing it. It was sharp and intense, and then, suddenly… It wasn't. She gasped, trying to think, trying to process what was happening. Her eyes were still closed, and everything was still muted beneath the dusty layer of exhaustion, voices blurring as her thoughts drifted.

A baby. Had she just had a baby?

There was a split-second of uncertainty where all she could think was maybe… But then, a tiny, mewling cry split the air, escalating rapidly into an impressive shriek, and she _knew. _Her eyes flew open and she was staring straight at this little, slimy, wriggling, _perfect _thing.

"She's out," Elizabeth said, looking up with a smile. "Congratulations."

Meredith just stared, leaning weakly against Derek, following the baby with her eyes. It disappeared for a moment that felt far too long, and she wanted to cry out to bring it back. But then…it was there again. Warm and squirmy and alive, and being placed on her stomach by the nurse. "Derek," she gasped disbelievingly, staring down at the small little girl.

"Mer," he whispered back, his voice rich with awe. "She's perfect."

"Yeah…" She swallowed hard, clearing her throat. "She's okay, right? She's… Nothing's wrong?" Her voice was desperate and pleading as she stared down at the tiny little thing, suddenly afraid to touch it.

Elizabeth nodded, still smiling. "Your little girl just got a nine on her APGAR."

"A nine?" That was Derek's voice again, right against her ear. "See, Mer? Just born, and already she's impressive."

Meredith just nodded faintly, still staring at the baby. Derek's hand was wrapped around her belly, carefully cradling the child, dwarfing it so it somehow seemed even smaller. Small and wrinkled, with a delicate, pink bud of a mouth, and eyes that were squinting up at them. "You're… She's…" Meredith gasped, words failing her.

Slowly, she reached out, letting her hand drift down until her finger was trailing over the tiny wisps of hair that covered the tiniest little head she'd ever seen. "Hi," she said softly, still staring in disbelief. Her other hand gravitated towards Derek's, their fingers locking as soon as they touched, cradling their baby together. Meredith let her finger continued its journey down the small body; winding past a little ear, over a slender shoulder, and down a soft, narrow arm, towards a miniscule hand curled in a fist. She lay her finger flat against the fist, and suddenly, tiny fingers were wrapping around her own and holding tight. Tiny, perfect fingers. Her daughter's fingers.

"Amelia," she whispered, murmuring the name they'd picked out what felt like a lifetime ago. Her daughter's name--the name of the little girl that was actually laying there, holding her hand.

Meredith shook her head, and burst into tears.

-----

Derek stood perfectly still, staring transfixed down at the tiny little creature laying in front of him. She was perfect. That was really all there was to say. His daughter was absolutely perfect. She was asleep, dark lashes tracing delicate shadows just beneath her eyes. And she lay curled, her knees tucked tightly to her chest, her hands squeezed into these minute fists. These perfect fists. He sighed, a small wondering smile playing its way across his face. He could stand here forever. He could…except, already he missed Meredith. He could stand here forever if he had her standing next to him. They'd both fallen asleep not too long after Amelia was born, but he'd woken up after a few hours--too thrilled to rest. Meredith, though… The last time he'd checked, she'd still been sleeping; giving birth tossing her to a place far beyond exhausted. Still, after a last longing glance at his sleeping daughter, he found himself stealing back down the hall towards Meredith's room.

As he'd expected, she was asleep. Her hair spilled unkempt over the pillow, hiding her face from view beneath a veil of dark gold. Slowly, cautiously, Derek crept into the room, and towards the bed. He reached out a hand, brushing back the disheveled strands as softly as he could. Meredith stirred at his touch, snuffling quietly in her sleep. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to her brow, kissing her as gently as he'd touched her hair. It was just this feathery whisper of a touch--light as air. Still, when he straightened up, Meredith's eyelids were fluttering. Two slits of pale green appeared, focusing on him. She breathed in, the sound sharp and sudden, only to relax back into the bed with a sigh. A lazy smile floated across her face, and she opened her eyes a little wider.

"Hey," she murmured, tilting her head towards him.

"Hey." Derek watched her smile, and eased down into the chair beside her bed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

Meredith rubbed her hands over her face, yawning into them. "No," she mumbled groggily, her voice still thick with sleep. "It's okay…" She yawned again, and finally lowered her hands. Blinking and bleary-eyed, she tilted her head towards him. "What time is it?"

Derek frowned, and glanced at his watch. "Five after four," he said. Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"In the afternoon?" she asked despite the sunlight filtering softly in through the small window. At his nod, she gave an incredulous shake of her head. "I was out that long…"

"You were," he agreed, scooting his chair closer to her. "How'd you sleep?"

"Like the dead, apparently."

Derek tilted his head to the side, studying her. Her eyelids still drooped heavily at the corners, begging to close. Her voice was quiet and worn, traces of exhaustion tinting her speech. His eyes filled with concern, and he pushed back away from the bed, about to get up. "I should let you rest some more," he said gently. Meredith just shook her head, stretching her arm out to wrap her hand around his wrist.

"Stay," she said quietly. "I want you with me. And Amelia…" A smile more gentle than he could ever remember seeing blossomed suddenly on her face, and she looked up at him, hopeful. "Where is she? She should be here with us."

"She's in the nursery," Derek said, getting to his feet. "You want me to get her?"

"Yes."

Derek half expected her to have already fallen back to sleep by the time he returned, wheeling the little isolette in front of him. But Meredith was still awake, and had managed to sit up. She lay propped up against her pillows, beaming at the sight of him. Wordlessly, she stretched her arms out for her daughter, eyes going straight to the crib and the tiny child curled inside it.

"You want me to get her out?" Derek asked, suddenly balking. He stared down at Amelia, who lay there looking infinitely small and breakable, and then back at Meredith, incredulous.

She frowned at him, and nodded her head. "Well, yeah."

"Out of _there_?"

"Yes, Derek. Out of there," she said flatly. "I want to hold my daughter."

"Right…" He glanced back down at the baby. Somehow, she seemed even smaller than she had a minute ago. He leaned forward. Brushed a cautious fingertip over her tiny foot, and straightened back up again. "Okay," he said, drawing the word out. "Pick her up. I can do that." He made no move to do so. Meredith heaved a sigh, throwing the blankets back from the bed. Derek turned around to find her halfway to easing herself down towards the floor, her movements slow and tentative. "What are you doing?"

"Well if you're just going to stand there," she said with a wave of her hand towards the isolette. "I'll go get her myself."

"No," said Derek quickly, cutting her off. "You just gave birth. Rest. I'll do it." She frowned, but settled back against the pillows, watching him. Again, Derek dipped back towards Amelia. He eased his hands slowly beneath her small body, only to pull away, straightening up once more.

Meredith quirked an eyebrow at him, her voice growing disbelieving. "Derek, are you…_afraid_ to pick her up?"

"What? No! No…"

"Okay… Then pick up our daughter."

Derek nodded, staring wonderingly back down at the little sleeping girl. He touched a fingertip to the tiny tip of her nose, and looked back at Meredith. "She's just-- She's so small," he said at last.

"Of course she's small. She's under a day old."

"Just…" He looked at Meredith, cheeks suddenly reddening. "What if I drop her?"

"I'll kill you."

"Right…"

"Derek! Would you just pick her up already?"

He frowned, but gave another reluctant nod. Slowly, he leaned down once more, and lifted the child out of her bed. He held her as if she were made entirely of glass, taking slow, cautious, shuffling steps over to Meredith. "There," Derek whispered as he eased Amelia into the arms of her mother. The little baby let out a tiny cry, but hushed almost immediately, laying curled against Meredith's chest. Derek dropped back down into the chair, relieved.

"Hey," Meredith whispered to her daughter, her eyes wide and wondering. Gently, she pressed her lips to the top of the tiny head before glancing back at Derek. He met her eyes, only to look quickly down at his feet, embarrassed. "I don't believe it," she said quietly, teasingly. "You're a doctor. You have a small army of nieces and nephews. You've probably held more babies then you can count, but you're scared to hold Mia?"

"No. I'm not. It's just--" Derek sighed, and raked his hands through his hair. He took a breath, looking earnestly up at her. "She's _so _small, Mer."

"…Yeah."

"And, I don't want to hurt her," he admitted, letting his gaze drop back down to his daughter. She lay curled in Meredith's arms, still looking absolutely perfect. Even more perfect than she had in the nursery, if that was possible.

"I know that, but--"

"She's different," Derek continued, cutting her off. "Mia's different. I _can't _hurt her." He shook his head, still watching the baby, entranced. "I don't know what I'd do if I did."

Meredith's expression softened, her voice hushing to a whisper. "Yeah…I know the feeling." She pursed her lips together, her green eyes glistening beneath a sudden sheen of tears. "It's like… I can't believe we actually get to take her home, you know?" She glanced back up at Derek, grinning at him incredulously. "It's ridiculous. The hospital's just going to let us keep her. That doesn't seem very responsible…" She trailed off, her gaze dropping back down to her daughter.

"I know," said Derek quietly, with a grin as disbelieving and delighted as hers.

They fell silent, staring enraptured down at Amelia. Meredith's eyes stayed transfixed on the child, but Derek's attention floated back and forth between the baby and the woman holding her. He couldn't remember a time when Meredith had looked more beautiful to him than she did in that moment, laying back cradling their child against her chest. And, when she finally glanced up from Amelia's face to stretch out her hand to him, he thought his heart would burst.

"How do you feel?" he asked after he'd watched her slowly, gingerly ease over to make room for him on the bed.

"Tired," allowed Meredith. "Sore." A small sigh escaped her lips, and she curled up in his arms, "But, happy… So, _so _happy."

Derek smiled, and pressed his lips to her cheek. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They drifted off into silence again, but, after several minutes of staring down at Amelia with their heads bent together, Derek cleared his throat. "So, you know…I took a poll."

Meredith quirked an eyebrow, glancing up to look at him. "A poll?"

"Yep." He reached out, and brushed his hand gently down his daughter's arm, grinning proudly. "And Amelia's the prettiest baby in the entire hospital. I asked all the nurses in the nursery."

"Oh you asked all the nurses, did you?" echoed Meredith, her voice teasing. Derek just nodded, his smile still proud, and a little bit ridiculous. She laughed, and shook her head. "Normally I'd say they're just humoring you 'cause you look like that, but…" She sighed, shifting Amelia in her arms so that her tiny face lay tilted towards her parents. "She really is the prettiest baby in the entire hospital." The little girl squirmed, her eyes squinting open to reveal slits of the deep navy blue of an infant's eyes. Meredith beamed down at her, adding, "And quite possibly the entire world."

"Yeah," Derek agreed quietly. "She is." Meredith just murmured happily in response, sinking deeper in his arms. Her head was nestled in the crook of his neck, his chin resting on the very top of her head; the two of them fitting together perfectly. Derek tightened his hold on her, feeling content to lay in bed with her and their daughter for the rest of his life. Her friends had all been up to the nursery countless times already, and he knew they were dying to come in and see Meredith with the baby, but…it was just going to have to wait. Maybe it was selfish, but he didn't want to have to share his family yet. He just wanted to sit and stare at Meredith and Amelia. Stare at them forever. His small, beautiful, perfect family. He couldn't quite believe that they were both his. That Meredith… That she had given him this. "Thank you," he whispered, his voice hushed, yet loud against the silence of the room.

Meredith blinked, pulling herself back from the hazy space she'd drifted to--somewhere between dreaming and waking. "What?" she murmured, twisting to meet his eyes. "For what?"

"Just…thank you," he repeated quietly. He stared down at his daughter, eyes shining reverently, before glancing just as wonderingly back at Meredith. "For this," he continued, his words rich with awe. "For having our baby."

"Derek," began Meredith, her voice hinting at protest. "It's nothing. Of course I'd--"

"No, it's something," he said, cutting her off. "It's definitely something. What you did today, what you went through…" He shook his head, his voice hitching a little. "You're amazing, Mer, and…I don't know how to thank you enough."

Meredith eyed him cautiously, not sure of how to respond. "I--" Her voice sounded funny, and so she fell abruptly silent. She glanced down at the baby in her arms, and then back up at Derek, uncertain. She didn't even realize she was worrying her bottom lip back and forth until he reached out with his thumb, brushing it free from her teeth.

"You get that I love you, right?" Derek asked, smiling at her. "That I love you and Amelia so much." He let his thumb drift from her lip to stroke her cheek, and she swore his eyes looked wet. "That every time I think I couldn't possibly love you any more than I do…you smile, and I find myself falling in love with you a little bit more."

"I get that," said Meredith quietly, her words less than a whisper. She hesitated, never quite sure of what to say the way Derek always seemed to be. It was as if the right words just rolled off his tongue without any effort. And so instead, she craned her neck until her mouth met his, and kissed him as hard as she could with a baby cradled against her. Her lips parted his, her tongue forcing its way gently, deeply into his mouth. She pulled him to her with her kiss, trying to make him feel just how much, how completely she loved him. When they finally pulled away, it was to stare straight into each other's eyes. Meredith swallowed hard, a shy smile suddenly flitting across his face. "And ditto," she added softly. "To everything you said."

-----

_So yeah, the baby's finally born. It took awhile, but I didn't want to just let Mer pop the baby out like it was a piece of toast in a toaster. Anyway, this was a lot of fun to write. I was going to cut off right after Meredith gave birth, but then…Meredith and Derek kept insisting that I give them time to be all mushy and in love together with their new baby, so hopefully the fluffy-ness of the last scene isn't too much. And hopefully nobody hates the name! I think they'd be the types to pick a normalish name instead of calling her, say…Apple Shepherd or whatever. But yeah, they had their baby, and everything turned out fine in the end. There's one more chapter left and then an epilogue (because I'm a sucker for wrapping things up in a happy ending), but then it'll be over. It's a little shocking to me since I feel as if I've been writing this thing forever! But yep, that'll be it. Thanks so much for reading! _


	39. Fools in Love

_Okay, so… I can hardly believe it's here. This is technically the last chapter as the next one is going to be the epilogue. So, this is shamelessly, disgustingly fluffy because I'm a huge sucker for happy endings. It's moving forward about a month after Meredith and Derek had their baby, so she's back home, and everything is just…happy. Happy, happy, happy. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. I'm thrilled people seem to generally like the name, and enjoyed the past few chapters. And yeah, here we go again!_

_----- _

Meredith lay on her back on the couch, one foot dangling haphazardly over the edge, and the other buried beneath the throw pillows. The gentle glow of afternoon sunlight streamed in through the wide front window. It worked as well as any blanket, spilling warmly over her. She kept her eyes closed to the light. Everything was drowsy and peaceful, the cushions soft beneath her. She had drifted away to some place soft and dreamy, where the only sound filtering through to her was a gentle, rhythmic stream of shhh-shhh. Over and over again, the faint whisperings of someone breathing. Her hand moved absently, stroking the wisps of hair that covered the head nestled against her chest. She could feel the small body of her daughter rising and falling slightly with each breath, and she splayed her hand protectively over the little girl.

"Sleep, Mia," she murmured, her voice soft and happy. She let herself sink even deeper into the cushions, only to be jarred from her rest by the creak and thud of someone coming in the front door. Meredith frowned, but didn't get up. She just lay there listening as voices filled the entranceway. They spoke loudly and in a jumbled mess--one on top of the other--but she picked them out easily enough. Izzie, George, Cristina and Alex… She frowned, confused as she identified the latter two, but before she could think to get to her feet, they had already made their way over to where she lay.

"Dude, I need to have a kid," Alex said as Meredith grudgingly let her eyes slit open. "I spent the day doing sutures. Mer spent it napping."

"I did not," protested Meredith. She shifted Amelia in her arms, and slowly sat up. She pushed the hair out of her face, frowning at the assembled little group.

"Yeah, she didn't spend it napping," said Cristina, her eyes lighting up as her mouth twisted its way into a teasing smirk. "She spent it doing mommy things. Right, mommy?"

Meredith wrinkled her nose, rolling her eyes at her friend. "I already told you, no calling me 'mommy.'" She looked down at her sleeping daughter, her expression growing gentle once more. "That's your Aunt Cristina, remember?" she crooned. "Go ahead and scream nice and loud the next time she picks you up. Okay, princess? Right in her ear."

"See, what'd I tell you?" Cristina continued. "Covered in mommy. It's disgusting." Meredith flushed a little as she kissed the top of Amelia's head, but she straightened up to find Cristina grinning at her. She started to roll her eyes again, but grinned back despite herself.

"Yeah, whatever," she said, shaking her head. "Why are you guys here anyway? And…what's with all the bags?"

"Food," said Alex simply. He lifted the two grocery bags he held up high in the air, before turning, and making his way into the kitchen.

"Uh… You realize I do have food here, right?" She followed him after him, confused. "Are those…hamburger buns? Why would I need hamburger buns?"

"Because we're grilling," he continued, already making himself at home in her kitchen.

"Grilling? I don't…grill."

"Not a problem. Leave the real work to the men," Alex boasted, wiggling his eyebrows at her. He hefted something Meredith could only assume was meat of some sort out of a bag, setting it down on the counter. "Go make a fruit salad."

"I'd be offended," she said, shrugging. "But I don't really know how to do that either." George and Izzie set their bags down on the counter as well, the heavy thuds making Amelia begin to fuss in her mother's arms. Meredith frowned, suddenly shushing the room. Everyone stood frozen, watching as the baby let out a little cry of protest, before resettling against Meredith's chest. "I'd just got her to sleep," she hissed in an annoyed whisper. "Whoever wakes her up? You get to spend the next hour trying to make her stop crying again." Alex and George stepped back in unison and Cristina stayed as still as a statue, but Izzie moved forward, delighted.

"Oh, I'll do it," she offered eagerly.

"I didn't say I _wanted _her to wake up," Meredith said, but Izzie stepped closer still, staring fondly at the little girl. "Uh…do you want to hold her?" she offered, uncertain. "You can take her up to her room, if you want."

Izzie's grin seemed to broaden even more, and she gave an enthusiastic nod of her head. "Sure. Come here, little Mia." She stretched her arms out, and Meredith eased the infant into them. She pivoted towards the stairs, cooing to Amelia as she walked.

Meredith frowned, raking a hand back through the loose waves of her hair. "Izzie?" she called out, causing the blonde to turn back around. "Just, make sure you put her in the bassinet, not the crib. And bring down the--"

"Baby monitor," interrupted Izzie. "Right. I know, Mer."

"Right…" Meredith sighed wistfully, watching as her daughter disappeared upstairs.

"Told ya. Covered in mommy," said Cristina in a sing-song voice. She chucked the package of hamburger buns straight at Meredith's head, forcing her to turn from the stairs to catch them.

"I hate you," she muttered, plopping the buns back down on the counter. "And you still haven't told me what all this is."

"The weird thing with all the cooking?" Cristina asked, quirking an eyebrow at George and Alex who were arguing over the contents of a grocery bag.

"Yeah."

Cristina shrugged. "No clue. It was Shepherd's idea though, so…if this is gonna awaken your raging hormones, at least wait until he gets here before you unleash."

"I don't have raging… Wait, Derek wanted you guys to come over and…_grill?_"

"We were talking about how we never see you anymore," said George. He crossed over to the sink, and started washing his hands. "He heard us, and…uh, invited everyone over for dinner." He gave a slight shrug, eyeing her cautiously. "Although he said we had to either order food or come willing to cook if we wanted you to be in a good mood."

"I am in a good mood," she protested, indignant.

"Because we're cooking," Alex stated. "I'll be out back, prepping the grill. Like a man" He grinned wickedly, adding, "When Georgie's done with his manicure there, send him out. He can…hold something." He disappeared from sight, heading to the small deck in the back.

"I'm not… This is not a manicure!" stammered George, pulling his hands out from beneath the stream of running water. "Clean hands! We're surgeons, we--" He trailed off as the sound of the door slamming shut echoed throughout the house.

"Okay, clean hands, but…" Meredith frowned, sidling up to him. "You live here. You see me every day. You don't need to do stuff to meat just to see me. And neither do you," she added, glancing over at Cristina.

"Oh, I'm not doing any sort of cooking. That's all on them."

"Okay," she nodded. "That's more normal. But George, really. This is nice, but…you don't need to do some big thing with a grill."

He looked up, smiling at her. "Yeah, I live here, but we never see you anymore. Not all of us, together." He dried off his hands, and gave a sheepish sort of shrug. "And grilling's fun."

Cristina quirked an eyebrow, incredulous. "Excuse me?"

"You really know how to grill?" Meredith asked as she rummaged through one of the grocery bags. "This is gonna melt," she muttered to herself, carting a large carton of ice cream over to the freezer.

George nodded. "Every summer we'd have family barbeques. My brothers would play catch, and I'd help my dad with the grill."

Meredith shut the door to the freezer, a soft, almost wistful smile drifting across her face. "That sounds nice," she said softly.

"It was… Well, most of the time," said George as he backed his way out of the room, headed towards the deck. "As long as my brothers didn't get bored with catch."

Meredith just nodded absently, still rooting through the shopping bags.

"So, this baby thing's made you all mushy inside," observed Cristina conversationally when the two women were left alone in the kitchen.

"What? It has _not."_

Cristina just smirked, and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"It hasn't," continued Meredith, crossing over to her. "I'm still completely normal, non-mushy Meredith." She gestured threateningly at her with a carrot. "And, for the last time, I am not covered in mommy. So don't even start." She glanced up at the ceiling, adding in the same breath, "What's taking Izzie so long? Maybe I should go check on Mia…"

"Relax. She's probably just hypnotizing the kid. Making sure she loves her Aunt Izzie more than anyone else in the world." Meredith scowled at her, prompting Cristina to hold her hands up in defeat. "Okay, she's tucking her in, and singing her every lullaby she knows." She let out a laugh, adding, "Which, in Izzie's mind, probably _is _how you ensure total love and devotion."

Meredith snorted, shaking her head. "Are we supposed to be…helping or something?" She peered out the window, catching a glimpse of George and Alex already bickering over the grill.

"No," said Cristina flatly. "I don't…do things. To food."

"Right." Meredith lifted a head of lettuce out of one of the bags, wrinkling her nose at it. "Maybe this becomes a salad?"

Cristina just shrugged, hoisting herself up to sit on the center island.

Meredith sighed, and set the lettuce back down, yanking her hair up into a ponytail. "What's Derek doing anyway? He can cook. He should be here doing whatever it is you do to lettuce."

"I don't think anything gets done to lettuce. Just stick it in a bowl." Meredith quirked an eyebrow at her, but plopped the head of lettuce down in a wide-rimmed bowl. It rolled about for a moment before settling against a side--a large conspicuous orb of green leaves.

"Like that?" she asked skeptically, holding it out to Cristina.

"Sure."

"Cristina, I'm not an idiot. This is not a salad. It's ah…" She shook her head, setting the bowl on the counter. "There isn't even a name for it! It's a thing in a bowl."

"Looks like a salad to me," said Cristina, chuckling with amusement as she tossed an equally large, unprepared carrot into the bowl beside the head of lettuce. "There."

"Great. Now it looks even more ridiculous. People can't eat this." Cristina just grinned, and took another gulp from her beer. Meredith frowned, turning to pull a bottle of salad dressing out of the fridge. She set it down beside the bowl before glancing back at Cristina. "Where'd you say Derek was again?"

"I didn't. But…I think he was still in surgery when we left to get all this crap."

"Uh huh…" Meredith nudged Cristina over with her elbow, hopping up to sit beside her on the tabletop. "You mean he's probably hiding in his office in case I flip out and hate his idea."

Cristina shrugged. "No idea. Maybe. The hormones do make you kinda--"

"Kinda what?" interrupted Meredith, suddenly indignant.

"Shout-y."

She rolled her eyes dismissively. "That's not even a word. And besides, I'm not…" She trailed off as the front door opened, and she heard the unmistakable sound of Derek's footsteps. She smirked at Cristina, "See? He's not hiding out in his office."

"You're the one who said he was."

"Well then, I'm not shout-y," she stated, decisive.

"Mer?" Derek's voice suddenly flooded the room.

"Kitchen," she shouted back.

"There you are," he said as he appeared in the doorway. He crossed over to her, and stepped into the space between her legs. Cupping her face in his hands, he pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

"Hey," she said when they pulled apart, her voice soft and gentle.

"Hey."

"So…you invited my friends over?"

"I--" Derek frowned, uncertain. "Yeah. Is that okay?"

Meredith shrugged and nodded. She leaned forward against his lips again. Lingered there for a moment as if she could soak him in through nothing more than the feel of his mouth on hers. It seemed to work…somehow. She felt suddenly warm and happy just resting against him. Inexplicably, deliriously happy. When she finally pulled back, they were both smiling, his arms wound tightly around her waist. "It's fine," she said softly. Her words were low and breathy, filling the small gap between them.

"Good," Derek said as his fingers traced patterns over her lower back. He leaned forward, his head resting against her shoulder, asking, "So, how're my two favorite girls today?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, but a pleased little smile played at the corners of her mouth. "I'm good, and Mia's sleeping. She's also quite possibly been abducted by Izzie."

"Abducted?" echoed Derek. He lifted his head, quirking an eyebrow at her.

Meredith nodded again. "Apparently," she mumbled, already leaning forward to recapture Derek's mouth with her own. Cristina gave a sudden cough, clearing her throat rather loudly. "Mer made a salad," she announced, stopping the couple seconds before they could resume kissing. "All on her own."

"Oh?" he asked, curious. "Really?"

"Yeah, she worked really hard," she said, her voice steeped in sarcasm. "It's over there."

"Cristina," hissed Meredith as Derek turned away, following Cristina's arm towards the bowl on the counter.

She just smirked, shrugging. "Next time, wait until I'm more than a foot away before you shove your tongue down his throat."

"I… Um," Meredith glared at her before turning back to Derek. He was frowning down at the bowl, eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"Mer, I know you have some interesting ideas about what counts as food, but--"

"That's not a salad," she stated sheepishly.

"No." Derek picked up the head of lettuce. "It's not a salad."

"I was, that's…" She bit her lip, letting her hair fall forward to shield her face. She eyed him from behind the veil created by her bangs. "I was gathering things in one central location," she said slowly. "The bowl. Everything's in the bowl because… Now you can make the salad from there?" Derek set the lettuce back down, grinning at her incredulously. "Some might call it helpful," she continued, eyes sparking as she offered him a cheeky smile.

"Some might," he agreed, amused. He crossed back over to her, his hands coming down heavily to rest on her knees. Meredith twisted to the side, shooting Cristina a challenging look before grabbing Derek's face and kissing him hard. She hooked her legs around his waist, and yanked him to her. Dug her heels into his back, urging him closer and closer until their bodies were pressed together. Derek froze for a moment, caught wholly off guard, but jolted back to his senses the instant she thrust her tongue into his mouth. His hands were soon slipping up beneath the back of her shirt, and Meredith's were fisted in his hair. He groaned and lifted her completely up off the counter, holding her in the air as he kissed her, ravishing her mouth.

"Right," muttered Cristina after a moment. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but…I'm gonna go help Izzie with the baby."

Meredith smiled against Derek's lips, not breaking the kiss until her friend's footsteps had faded away.

"What was that?" gasped Derek as she pulled back abruptly. Meredith just sighed, and rested her forehead against his, her green eyes feeding straight into his blue ones.

"Oh, just revenge," she murmured. She giggled and unhooked her legs from his waist, sliding down to the floor.

"What'd I do?" He frowned, and tilted his head to the side. "And how do I do it again?"

"Nothing. It's a long…whatever. Go make your salad." She shooed him over to the bowl, and hopped up onto a stool, watching as he washed his hands.

"You know," Derek began after a moment. "Kissing me like that?"

"Yeah?"

"It's highly unfair."

Meredith just laughed, toying with a strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm supposed to survive two more weeks without sex, and you kiss me like that? You're out to kill me."

"What?" drawled Meredith, letting the word stretch out until it was long and full of laughter. "Poor Derek has porny thoughts floating around in his head now?" She shook her head, still giggling.

Derek grinned, winking at her over his shoulder. "You shouldn't be so amused by my misery," he protested as he dried his hands off on a dishtowel, drifting back to where she sat. He smirked, and kissed her again, his eyes dark and teasing. "It's bad enough trying to survive when you're continually flashing boob, but then you kiss me like--"

"Flashing boob?" interrupted Meredith, snorting in amusement. "You mean feeding _your _daughter? Derek Shepherd!" She yanked the dishtowel from his grasp, and, with a deft twist, wound it into a rope. A second flick of her wrist whipped it out to collide with his arm, filling the air with a satisfying smack. "You should be ashamed of yourself."

Derek just laughed, and scooped her up in his arms again, kissing her full on the mouth. They were forced apart almost immediately as a truly impressive wail echoed throughout the house. Meredith sighed, sliding back down to the floor.

"Do you want me to get her?" Derek asked. "You got up with her every time last night. You're probably exhausted."

Meredith gave a shake of her head as their daughter's cries continued to echo throughout the house. "I've also already taken two naps with her today, so whatever…" She shrugged and picked up his arm, turning it to read his watch. "She's probably hungry anyways. Stay down here, make your salad." Meredith sidled closer to him until their bodies were pressed together. She looked up, wicked and smirking. Dropped her voice an octave so that it turned into a husky, seductive roll of sound--something smooth and dark as velvet. "There might be …_boob _up there. Wouldn't want to turn you on…" Her breath curled warm around his ear, and, for an instant, they stood frozen together. But then she was laughing again, her voice returning to its normal pitch, light and breathy as she shook her head, evading his grasp. "Go. Cook something," she laughed, starting up the stairs.

She nearly crashed into Cristina at the halfway point as her friend came hurrying down the steps. "Izzie's," she gasped, looking wide eyed and a little alarmed. "Izzie woke the beast, and now she won't stop with the crying. Screaming, really."

"She's just hungry."

"No. She's screaming. Like ear-splitting, earth-shattering screaming. I don't do that when I'm hungry. It's unnatural."

Meredith paused, frowning as she fidgeted with her hair. "She's a baby, Cristina."

"Still…" Cristina shook her head, unconvinced.

"Go help Derek cook something," continued Meredith, moving past her to reach the second floor. She grinned as her friend very nearly recoiled, staring at her like she'd just sprouted an extra head. "Hey, if I have to nurse a baby, you can do whatever it is people do to lettuce. It'll be good for you." She smirked, jogging up the remaining steps, and ignoring Cristina's spluttered protest that it was her own damn fault she was nursing babies.

When she reached Amelia's room, Izzie was pacing back and forth in the nursery, rocking the little girl in her arms. She looked up, relieved. "Good, Cristina got you," she said, glancing back down at the wriggling, shrieking infant. "One minute, I was watching her sleep, and then the next, she wakes up… And she won't stop crying." Meredith just nodded, holding out her arms. "She doesn't need to be changed, I already checked," continued Izzie worriedly. "Sorry. I know I said I'd put her to sleep. You're supposed to be relaxing and having fun, and I--"

"Izzie," said Meredith, cutting her off.

Izzie glanced up again, face scrunched in concern. "Yeah?"

"It's fine. Just give her to me."

"Right, sorry." She handed Amelia over, watching as the baby continued with her alternating choruses of piercing wails and little breathy cries.

"Amelia Grace," Meredith murmured, not seeming phased by the noise in the slightest. Her voice was low and soothing as she kissed her daughter's tear streaked face. One tiny hand latched instantly onto the collar of her shirt, holding tight. She crossed over to the rocking chair in the far corner, still murmuring to her child. "Baby girl, shhh… I know, sweetheart. I know. Your mommy's here. It's okay." In one, quick, practiced motion that was quickly becoming second nature, she'd eased her shirt up, and dropped down into the rocking chair. Amelia's cries silenced instantly, the room growing quiet and peaceful once more. "That's better, Mia," said Meredith gently as she glanced up to find Izzie still standing in the doorway, staring at her. "What?"

"Nothing," stammered Izzie, flushing a little. "It's just… It looks good on you."

Meredith looked down at the baby nestled against her chest, and then back up at Izzie, eyebrow quirked. "Uh…breastfeeding, Iz? Seriously?"

"No, I…" Izzie shrugged, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "The whole mom thing. I wasn't sure if you'd like it, but…you're good at it. Really good. All of us think so." A wistful smile twisted across her face as she watched Meredith rock back and forth, her daughter in her arms. "Even Cristina," she added quietly.

"Yeah, well." Meredith shook her head, looking down at Amelia. Delicate wisps of dark hair framed the child's face. She still clutched at her mother's shirt, her little fist holding tight. "It's surprisingly wonderful," said Meredith, her voice a soft whisper. She smiled at her daughter, not even noticing when Izzie slipped out of the room. She hadn't realized it was possible to love someone so completely. So absolutely, completely without question. In that ridiculous, inexplicable, lay down my life in an instant if it just means you'll live sort of way. It stretched her heart even past Derek to a place she couldn't quite describe, but that filled her with an almost paralyzing exhilaration. She was holding the most perfect creature in the entire world. Holding her in her arms. She wasn't sure whether she should laugh or cry or just hold Amelia that much tighter.

But eventually, the smell of food and sound of chattering voices drifted upstairs. Amelia had been fed and changed, and lay in Meredith's lap, staring wide-eyed up at her. "Well, princess, since you're awake," she said gently. "Let's go show you off." She eased the baby back up, and cradled her in her arms. "Let's go downstairs, and see all of mommy's crazy friends. And your daddy. Daddy's home too. He missed you all day, Mia. Yes he did." She kept talking to Amelia as she made her way down the stairs, her voice a soothing murmur that had her daughter watching her face intently.

"Hey, there you two are," said Derek, pulling Meredith's attention away from Amelia. She looked up to see him grinning over his shoulder at them. He was making his way towards the kitchen, a platter filled with hotdogs and hamburger patties held in his grasp.

"Yeah."

"I was just about to go drag you down here," he said. He dropped off the plate, and walked back over to her. "How's Mia?" he asked, bending down to press kisses all over his daughter's face as the little baby gurgled delightedly.

"Good. She's good. How'd you survive with my friends? And…" She looked around the empty kitchen, frowning. "Where'd everyone go? This is weird, right? Everyone coming over and eating. Grilling stuff. I mean, everyone's here, and it's like we're…entertaining or something. I don't entertain." She wrinkled her nose, worrying at a stray piece of hair. "I feel like I should be wearing an apron and serving tea. Am I supposed to be in an apron? I don't think--"

"Mer," said Derek, cutting her off. "Meredith…" He grinned as she shot him a confused look. "I survived fine with your friends, although Cristina has some very strong opinions about salads. Everyone's in the dining room, setting up. This isn't weird, it's normal. Your friends like food. They come, they eat. That's all, it's not a big thing. And you certainly don't need an apron, but I could get behind the idea if you took everything else off. Just wore it instead." He winked at her, his grin the slightly crooked, charming one that always made her a little dizzy and weak-kneed. "Anything else?"

"Ass," muttered Meredith even as she smiled back. "You walk around in just an apron first, and then we'll talk." But she let him steer her into the dining room, his arm looped easily around her waist. Cristina was perched on a chair, feet tucked beneath her, and nursing a beer. Alex was already leaning over the table, fixing himself a burger. George and Izzie had their heads bent together, deep in conversation, but they trailed off as they caught sight of her.

"Mia's here!" Izzie declared, smiling at the tiny child.

"Yeah, and she's awake for once," said Meredith, brushing another kiss over the top of Amelia's head.

"Here, Mer. Sit," Derek ordered gently. He nudged her towards a chair, and leaned down over her shoulder, letting his daughter latch onto his finger. "Should I put Mia…?" He trailed off, trying to guess at what Meredith wanted.

"Um…can you get her bouncy seat? I'll keep her with us then."

"The blue one?"

"No, she likes the yellow striped one better. It's up in our room."

"Yeah. Sure," Derek said, kissing the top of Meredith's head as he worked his finger free from his daughter's grasp. He kissed Amelia's five little fingers as well before straightening up. With a nod, he disappeared from view, leaving Meredith alone with her friends.

"What?" she snapped as she looked up to find Izzie grinning at her yet again.

"Nothing. Just…" She leaned forward, snatching the slice of pickle off of George's plate. "You realize you guys are completely adorable, right?"

"What?" repeated Meredith, her tone growing protesting. "We are _not_ adorable."

"Yeah," said Cristina around a mouthful of hotdog and bun. "You're like a happy little McFamily." She smirked at her friend, her eyes infinitely warmer than her tone. "He's ruined you."

"Well, maybe…" Meredith sighed, looking back down at Amelia. Her baby was laying content in her arms. One tiny hand reached out in an attempt to grasp the strands of hair that swished back and forth in front of her. Meredith smiled, loosing her hair from its ponytail so that it spilled forward towards her daughter. Amelia managed to latch onto a fistful, and held on tight, tugging every now and then.

"Ooh, we should talk about the wedding," continued Izzie eagerly. She scooted towards the edge of her seat, eyes lighting up. Both Alex and George groaned in unison before she could get out another word, and Meredith shook her head.

"We shouldn't," she countered. "It's not gonna happen any time soon." Izzie's face fell visibly, prompting Meredith to continue. "I just had a baby, Iz. It's not like I'm gonna get married on maternity leave. And when I go back, I won't have any free time. I'll be behind you guys. I'll still be an intern. So…" she shrugged, "we're waiting awhile. We want Mia to be a little older anyways."

"Oh…"

"But, you'll obviously be a bridesmaid, and you can have all the flowers and ribbons and whatever in your hair that you want," she added, trying to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

Izzie perked up at that, nodding happily. "Okay then."

"I'm not putting any of that crap in my hair," interjected Cristina, eyeing the two of them warily.

Meredith looked up at her and grinned. "Neither am I," she promised. Her attention drifted from her friends and back to Derek as he returned. He lugged a little cushioned chair with him, setting it down on the ground before turning back to her. "Here," she murmured, loosening her hold on Amelia so he could scoop her up into his arms. She watched him with their daughter, drinking in the sight of them together. She'd been right all those months ago; he was a wonderful father. No longer afraid of holding Amelia, he lifted her easily, talking unabashed nonsense to her as he sprinkled her forehead with kisses. By the time he had strapped her into her seat, the conversation had taken its inevitable turn back to surgery. Meredith sat listening to her friends go on and on about the day's cases while rocking her daughter's chair with her foot, casting continual glances back at the wide-eyed little girl. It was a strange blend; the comforting familiarity of the life she'd been used to mixing with something completely different and wonderful. And she found herself falling in love with it all.

-----

"I'm glad you invited everyone ever," Meredith murmured, her voice a soft hum in the quiet of their room. Derek glanced down at the messy head of dirty blonde waves resting against his chest, the corners of his mouth turning up in a smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she breathed, splaying her hand flat against his chest. She looked up, and he brushed her tangled hair back from her face. Her eyes glowed bright in the darkness, and he drew her closer to him.

"Good." His voice was as much a murmur as hers had been, his fingers tracing idle patterns over her back and up her side. "Mer…" He paused, hesitant, his breathing hitching a little.

Meredith quirked an eyebrow. "What?"

"I wanted to ask you something," he said quietly.

"Okay. Ask me any--" she stopped abruptly, a frown suddenly replacing her smile. "Don't." She swatted at his hand, knocking it away as it started to drift from her side down to her stomach.

"Mer," Derek groaned, dropping his head back against the pillows. "This again? For the hundredth time, you're gorgeous." He pulled her back to him, rolling them over so that she was laying on top. "You're gorgeous," he repeated as he ran his hands up her body. "And I wouldn't change a thing." Meredith just chewed on her lip, carefully avoiding his eyes. "Also," he pressed his lips to hers, his voice gentle and teasing. "You're not fat." He kissed her again. "In case you wanted to." And again. "Start that debate again." He kissed her a final time, longer and harder, easing his tongue past her lips. He didn't pull away until she moaned and kissed him back, smiling into his mouth.

"Still," she gasped as they broke apart, her lower lip slipping out into a pout. "I can't fit into the jeans I wore before I got pregnant yet."

"So?" Derek frowned. He was never quite sure how to have this conversation. He'd done it often enough with Addison, but back then it had devolved into a sort of automatic, knee-jerk response of no. 'Does this skirt make me look fat?' No. 'What about these pants?' No. 'Do I look fat?' No. 'Honey, do you think--' _No, no, no. _Over and over until he was sick of the damn word. But with Meredith, it was different. She'd never said a word about her body before the baby, and suddenly she worried. All the time. It was something new and shaky and vulnerable, and it made him ache.

"Derek…"

He cleared his throat, suddenly grinning at her. "So you can't wear the jeans you used to wear." He shrugged, and ran his hands up her thighs. "I think that's a sign."

"A sign?" echoed Meredith, uncertain.

"Yes," he agreed, keeping his voice as serious as he could manage. "A sign that the world would be a better place if you were permanently pants-less." He flipped her over before she could protest, earning a loud shriek instead.

"Derek," she gasped as he started tickling her mercilessly. She writhed in his grasp, kicking her legs wildly as she tried to break free. "I was being serious!" she managed at last before dissolving into giggles, trying desperately to fight back.

Derek just laughed, his fingers raking up her sides until she squirmed again. "So was I," he said, dipping down to kiss her throat. "You? No pants? All the time?" He punctuated his words with further kisses, letting his hand sneak down until it reached her knees. "I would not have a problem with this," he added just as he began to tickle the back of her knee. Meredith shrieked again, her voice a constant stream of giggles and laughter as she thrashed about, attempting to escape.

"That would be… Highly inappropriate…" she panted at last. She pummeled her fists against his chest, but it didn't seem to stop him in the slightest. He just paused for a moment, smirking at her fists.

"Glad to see they're still tiny and ineffectual," he teased before raking his hands back up her sides, sending her squirming again.

"Derek!" Meredith gasped again, clinging to him even as she tried to break free. "No fair. I just. Had a baby."

He pulled back slightly, grinning at her. "Oh, _now_ you want to use the baby card?"

"It's not a card!" said Meredith indignantly, trying to twist out from under him.

"Exactly," he agreed, still grinning wickedly. "You have to say uncle."

"I…" She gasped as he started tickling her again. "I'm not saying uncle!"

"Say it."

"No."

"Say it."

"No!"

"Come on, Mer," he pressed as he captured the back of her knee a second time. He grinned down at her, taunting, teasing. "It's just a word. Say it. Say uncle."

Meredith frowned, managing to latch onto one of his wrists. "You want sex in two weeks?" she gasped at last. Derek froze instantly, fingers stilling against her skin.

"…Yes."

She smirked, and loosened her hold on his forearm. "That's the new uncle."

He collapsed against the bed with a weary sigh, nodding his head. "Fine. You win."

"Yeah," gasped Meredith as she scooted closer, flopping down beside him. "I do." She grinned triumphantly even as they both lay there panting, trying to catch their breath. The room was warm and comfortable, still ringing with the echo of their laughter. They lay there, just breathing. Staring at each other as their grins slowly faded into sated smiles.

"Do you believe me?" Derek asked at last, brushing the hair back from her face.

"What?" asked Meredith quietly.

"That you could not be more beautiful to me than you already are," he whispered, cupping her cheek in the palm of his hand. "That you don't have to change a thing for me. That you're perfect. That you could gain a hundred pounds and _still _you would be perfect."

She rolled her eyes, looking away from him towards the ceiling. "Derek, be serious."

He groaned, and propped himself up on an elbow. "I didn't fall in love with you because you're hot, Mer," he said flatly. She frowned and quirked an eyebrow at him, but said nothing. "It's an added bonus," he winked, "but it's not why I love you. And why I love you has absolutely nothing to do with comparing how your stomach looked before Mia to how it looks now. I just… I love you."

Meredith swallowed slowly as if she was suddenly hoarse, worrying at her lower lip with the tip of her tongue. "Why?" she whispered.

Derek sighed and shook his head. "Meredith," he began quietly. "It's not about-- You make everything better. Just having you in my life makes it better somehow. That's all I know."

"Okay." Her voice was even softer than before, and she looked away, her eyes glittering with tears in the darkness.

"Okay?" he echoed, and he pressed her to him. Kissed her fiercely; until stars spun behind her eyelids, and she swore she'd be falling if it weren't for the mattress beneath her.

"Okay," Meredith repeated a little louder as they finally pulled apart. Laughter filled her voice again, and he scooped her into his arms, spooning her tightly against him. She just breathed, feeling his heart beating against her back. For the first time since having Amelia, she felt gorgeous. Utterly, ridiculously gorgeous. And it had everything to do with the man holding her.

Still, just as she'd decided that she could lay there forever, the sound of her daughter's crying filled the room, jarring her from her reverie. "Mia's awake," she remarked dryly, prodding the arm wrapped around her waist. "Let me up."

"Mmmph…" Derek groaned as he sat up instead. "I'll get her."

"She's probably hungry," protested Meredith even as she yawned. "And last I checked, your nipples didn't leak milk."

He just grinned, already to his feet. "I'll bring her to you then. Besides, I never get up and get her."

"Yeah, well…" Meredith yawned again, stretching languidly. "When I go back to work, and we start trading every cry?"

"Yeah?"

"You'll regret this moment of stupidity," she said smugly. She grinned, delighted, before shooing him away with a flick of her wrist. "But go," she teased, winking at him. "Bring me my baby!"

Derek just smiled as he made his way down the darkened hallway to the nursery. His little daughter lay squirming, her face scrunched up as she cried. He leaned forward, wincing slightly, before lifting Amelia up out of the bassinet. "Shhh," he murmured, rubbing her back. "Daddy's got you. It's okay, sweetheart." He rocked her gently in his arms as he crossed back to the bedroom, managing to quiet her shrieks down into a softer wail of discontent. "Yeah, I know, Mia," he crooned, his voice low and soothing. "We'll go see mommy, and she'll feed you, princess." He pushed the door open with his free hand, climbing back onto the bed, and handing Amelia over to Meredith. It took a few moments of soothing the child, coaxing her, but soon she was quiet, and latched onto her mother's breast.

When Meredith finally looked up, it was to smirk at Derek. "Boob," she muttered, stretching her hand out as if to block his view.

He laughed, and pulled her closer to him. "You're never gonna let me live that down, are you?" he asked. Meredith just shook her head before leaning to rest against his shoulder.

"Probably not."

Derek sighed, the sound fading away into a thoughtful silence as he watched Meredith with their daughter. It was something that he didn't quite understand, but something that was warm and perfect; as if the world could cease to exist outside the three of them, and he wouldn't give a damn. He pressed his lips to Meredith's hair, breathing in deeply. And he let his mind wander, leaping through the shadows of the room to paint the future.

"What is it?" Meredith's voice was soft, quiet, but it was enough to shatter the silence that had hung around them.

"Huh?" Derek frowned, and pulled his focus back to the present.

"What is it?" repeated Meredith, glancing up from Amelia to look at him. "You're making those weird mumbling sounds."

"Weird mumbling sounds?"

"Yeah." She nodded earnestly. "Like when you're…studying a CT or whatever. When you're thinking, so… What are you thinking?" She grinned, her smile evident even in the dark. But Derek hesitated, uncertain. "What?" pressed Meredith after a long stretch of silence, her voice faltering a little.

"It's nothing. It's just something I've thought about a little," Derek said, speaking slowly, cautiously. "It's an idea. That's all. It doesn't have to happen now, or any time soon. And if you don't like it, it doesn't have to happen at all."

"Okay…"

He swallowed hard, wishing he could just get up and turn on a light. Have more to gauge her reaction by than what little he could make out through the darkness. "I was thinking that one day we could build a house."

"A house?" echoed Meredith, as soft as a whisper.

Derek jerked his head into a nod. "Yeah. Um…" he exhaled heavily, raking his hand back through his hair. "On my land. Our land, really. It's yours too now, if you want." He paused for a moment, suddenly more nervous than he could ever remember being before. "But if you don't want to, it's fine. Here's good. I know it was your mother's house, and it's got a lot of memories for--"

"Derek!" She blurted his name out, stopping him short.

"Yeah?"

"You sound more like me than I do," Meredith said, her smile seeping back into her words. He just nodded again, simultaneously hopeful and unsure. "And yeah, this is my mother's house, but the memories in it? They're all hers."

"Hers," echoed Derek quietly, letting the word roll around in his mouth. A spark that felt like hope had ignited deep within him, but he forced himself to check again. To keep the fantasies about moving into a house built just for them, on their land, at bay for a little longer. "Does that mean…?" he began, tentative.

"It means I think it's a great idea," said Meredith quietly. "Mia shouldn't have to grow up with the memories that are in this house."

"Mer, I didn't mean…"

"No, I know what you meant." She glanced down at Amelia, brushing her finger gently over the baby's cheek. "Just…not everything that happened here was happy, Derek. A new house would be… It would be good. It would be new and _ours._" She let her head rest against his shoulder again, eyelids drooping shut. "We could have a big yard for her to play in," she murmured. "And a swing set. There'd be room for one out there. A dog, too. We could get a dog. I've always wanted a dog. Nothing small and yappy though."

"Nothing small and yappy," Derek agreed, filled with disbelief that was quickly giving way to fierce, overwhelming happiness.

"And enough bedrooms for Mia's brothers and sisters…" added Meredith softly, her voice barely audible even in the silent room.

"Mer?" He turned to look at her, incredulous. "You want more? More babies?"

"I…" She glanced up at him, hesitant, chewing on her lower lip. "Do you?"

Derek looked back down at Amelia, cupping her tiny foot in the palm of his hand. "Yeah, I do. I'd love more. I would love nothing more than that." He paused, tracing the shape of his daughter's foot as if even her toes were something rare and wonderful. "But we have Amelia, and that's… Mer, you've already given me more than I could ever ask for."

Meredith nodded, staring down at her daughter with a gentle marveling smile. Her voice was a whisper, soft and shy, and she kept her eyes trained on Amelia. "I think not right now. Not soon. Mia can't even crawl yet. We should wait a while. Get married first, but…" She shrugged and looked up at him cautiously, biting the corner of her lip. "Yes." She nodded, her eyes locking with his, letting him stare straight into her. But then she grinned, shifting from vulnerable to teasing in a heartbeat. "We should do this again sometime."

Derek laughed, and promptly leaned in to kiss her. "We should," he mumbled back as they pulled apart.

"Yeah…" Meredith sighed, leaning forward to readjust Amelia before settling back against the headboard. "In the house that we haven't built yet," she added, sounding slightly anxious. "And then there's the internship that I haven't even finished. The residency where I'm already behind. When are we supposed to even squeeze in a wedding, not to mention another baby?"

"Breathe," murmured Derek, pressing his lips to her temple. "We can have another baby after you're done with your residency if you want, or we'll find a way to make it work if we don't wait. I'll work less, or take some time off. We'll figure it out." He shrugged, grinning at her. "And, we'll get married whenever we feel like it."

Meredith just shook her head. "How can you make it sound so easy?"

"It is easy. We have the rest of our lives to do all of this."

"Right," she whispered. "The rest of our lives." She glanced down again to find Amelia fast asleep, tiny and peaceful. Some of the worry drained away, and Meredith found she could only smile. "She's sleeping again," she murmured to Derek. She shifted the little girl over so that she lay snuggled between the both of them.

Derek leaned forward, staring fondly down at his daughter. "She's so--" He shook his head, one finger tracing the embroidered lamb on her pajama sleeve.

"Perfect?"

"Yeah," he agreed. His voice held nothing but love as he bent down, kissing Amelia's forehead. "Completely perfect."

Meredith leaned her head against Derek's shoulder--exhausted, yet mindless of the time as they watched their daughter sleep. "She'll be happy, right?" she wondered softly. "I want her to be happy, Derek."

"She'll be happy," he promised.

"And us?" Meredith looked up, her voice suddenly small and hopeful. "We'll be happy? We'll all be happy?"

"Yes," Derek said. He reached over Amelia to take Meredith's hand, weaving their fingers together. She looked into his eyes, and found them full of promises. "We'll all be happy," he whispered. "We don't have much of a choice."

She frowned at that, quirking an eyebrow. "What do you--"

Derek just grinned, and scooted closer so that the three of them were nestled together. He kissed her soft and quick, silencing her protest. When he pulled away, Meredith was smiling up at him. "Just believe me, Mer," he said quietly. "This is the happily ever after part."

-----

_And yeah…Meredith and Derek are finally happy. Ridiculously happy. They just had their baby, they adore their daughter, they're in love. Right now, they get to have perfect. I think they've earned it. So hopefully you're happy with where they ended up. I think they managed to make it to a pretty good place considering where they started in this fic. But yeah, I'll try to write the epilogue before too long because, you know, they have to get married. Hee. I told ya, I have this thing for happy endings. And yep, that's about it. Thank you so much for reading! _


	40. Life is Beautiful

_So, I'm really sorry this took so long. It's really difficult for me to write fluff, and fluffy wedding stuff turned out to be particularly hard. But, it's finally done! The epilogue's here. It takes place a little over two years after the last chapter. Anyway, thank you so much to everyone for their kind reviews and for sticking with this story to the end. I hope you enjoy the final chapter!_

_----- _

"So, this is actually happening," said Cristina.

Meredith arched an eyebrow, locking eyes with her through the mirror. "Yes, this is actually happening. And it'd help if you'd stop pointing it out in that tone."

"What tone?"

"That one! The 'we're on our way to a funeral slash massacre slash public hanging' tone. It's a wedding." She turned around, plastering an overly exuberant grin on her face. "Be happy!"

"I am happy," protested Cristina indignantly. "I'm wearing a dress," she brushed her hands over her dress, the material shimmering somewhere deep between lilac and indigo. "I'm doing the maid of honor thing, and reading at your wedding. I'm just balancing out all the Izzie over there." Meredith let out a laugh, glancing at her other bridesmaid. Izzie was kneeling in front of Amelia, trying to smooth her dark, wild curls into place, and pin a circlet of flowers on top of her head. Amelia kept squirming, refusing to hold still.

"Aren't they pretty," asked Izzie, her voice tinted with the barest hint of frustration. She held the circlet out for Amelia to inspect, and received a nod from the little girl, her eyes wide as she stared at the tiny white flowers. "Then let's put them in your hair, Mia. Okay?"

But Amelia immediately squirmed away again, shaking her head furiously. "No!"

"You don't want to wear the pretty flowers?" asked Izzie. "I've got flowers in my hair." She twisted her head slightly, revealing the white blossoms woven into her braided hair.

"No," repeated Amelia. She lifted both arms, and clamped them down over her curls. "Mama do it!" Meredith quirked an eyebrow, rolling her eyes at Cristina before glancing back at Amelia.

"Mia? Will you let Aunt Izzie do your hair, please?"

Amelia didn't answer, but spun around on unsteady legs at the sound of her voice. "Mama," she stated, pulling away from Izzie. She toddled over to where Meredith sat at her low dressing table, and stretched her arms out to be held. "Up?" she asked. Meredith shook her head, flattening the black ringlets framing Amelia's face into something a little less wild.

"Come on, sweetheart," she said gently. "Today's a special day, so I need you to be a good girl. Do you remember what's happening today?"

"Up," repeated Amelia. "Up, peas!" Meredith laughed and gave in, scooping her up onto her lap.

"Do you remember what daddy and I told you about today?" she pressed. "What are mommy and daddy doing that's special?"

Amelia pursed her lips together, everything about her tiny self growing thoughtful. "Mahweed," she pronounced at last, exaggerating both syllables. She nodded her head as the word left her lips, and, pleased with herself, she repeated it.

"Yeah," agreed Meredith. "That's right. Mommy and daddy are getting married today. And that means you're gonna be a good girl, and," she glanced up, smiling as she met Izzie's eyes in the mirror, "let Aunt Izzie fix your hair, right?" Amelia looked over her shoulder, and promptly shook her head as she caught sight of the delicate wreath of flowers.

"No. Mama do it," she said, tucking her head against Meredith's shoulder.

"Sorry, Mer," said Izzie apologetically. "I tried."

Meredith shrugged. "It's fine. I think all of this…" She glanced around her messy bedroom, clothes and flowers and makeup strewn everywhere as if a whirlwind had ripped through moments before. "The excitement's making her cranky." As if to prove her point, Amelia settled deeper in her arms, making a small, stubborn, pouting sound. "See?" mouthed Meredith, tilting her head at Amelia as she rubbed a soothing hand up and down her back.

Izzie grinned, shaking her head. "I still say you're braver than I'd ever be. A two-year-old in your bridal party? She makes an adorable flower girl, but a very unreliable one."

"Is that right?" asked Meredith, tickling Amelia so she giggled and looked up. "Are you gonna be an unreliable flower girl, or just an adorable one?"

Amelia frowned, her tongue slipping out past her lips as she tried to understand. "Yes," she said, her voice hushed and uncertain.

Meredith smiled, taking the circlet from Izzie. "Yes, you're going to be a good flower girl," she said, feeling around on her dresser for bobby pins. "When we go outside, I want you to find daddy, and walk up to him just like we practiced."

"Wall daddy," Amelia agreed.

"Walk to daddy," corrected Meredith, but she grinned proudly. "Now," she held the circlet out again. "Would you like this in your hair, or are you like Aunt Cristina, and against all things flowery?"

Cristina looked up, smirking. "I always knew she was a smart kid."

But Amelia stretched a hand out. "Pwetty, mama," she stated, a dimpled smile stretching across her face. "Mine?"

"Yes, they're yours, Mia," Meredith said. "And they're very pretty flowers."

"Great… Izzie's infected you all," groaned Cristina.

"Just because you can't appreciate flowers," huffed Izzie.

Meredith made a face at Cristina before turning from the suddenly brewing argument about flowers, and back to the child in her lap. "Hold this for me, please," she said, passing the circlet to Amelia. "Gently, baby. Be careful with it." Amelia nodded gravely, sitting very still as Meredith leaned forward again, finally latching onto a bobby pin. "Would you like to put the flowers on your head all by yourself?"

Amelia's eyes lit up, and she beamed at Meredith. "I do it?"

"Yep," Meredith said, placing a hand on Amelia's back as she slowly raised her arms, setting the circlet awkwardly down on top of her hair. "Thank you, Mia," she continued, nudging the tiny hands away from the flowers as she readjusted them herself.

"On head!" Amelia declared, looking up at Meredith with wide eyes.

"Yes," she said patiently. "You have pretty flowers on your head."

"Flowahs on head," crowed Amelia, bouncing up and down. "On head!" Meredith nodded, pinning the circlet in place with one hand, and holding her daughter as still as she could with the other. Finally satisfied, she leaned back to inspect her work. The white flowers lay nestled atop Amelia's dark ringlets, the curls fanning out from beneath the wreath to frame her face.

"There, you look beautiful, Mia," said Meredith. She helped Amelia down just as Izzie turned around, grinning at the sight of her.

"Oh, Mer," she gushed. "She looks like an angel."

Meredith smirked. "Looks being the operative word there," she muttered as Amelia began to babble happily to Izzie about the flowers on her head. She slumped forward, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, staring at her reflection. Her hair was done. Her makeup was done. Her dress… Her dress had just been sat on by a two-year-old. She leapt to her feet, suddenly nervous. "Does it…" she stammered, smoothing her hands over the fabric.

"Does it what?" asked Cristina. "Don't tell me you're gonna start freaking out after all?"

"Do I look like I've been sat on by a toddler?" snapped Meredith. Cristina frowned, and turned a critical eye to the dress. The fabric was as sleek as ever, a delicate, shimmering white silk that clung tightly through the waist before cascading to the floor, loose and flowing like water.

"You're not wrinkled," she said with a shrug. Meredith nodded, chewing on her lip as she traced a fingertip down the thin straps and over the beading on the deep V of the neckline. "Turn around," stated Cristina, and she shifted obediently, casting uncertain glances at her profile through the mirror while Cristina inspected the back. "Yeah, you're good," she said at last, and Meredith sighed with relief.

"Good," she echoed quietly. "I'm… That's good."

Cristina quirked an eyebrow and stepped closer. "Are you sure you're not freaking out?"

Meredith balked, uncertain. "Should I be freaking out?"

"No," said Cristina flatly. She folded her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes at her friend. "You're practically married already. You've got the kid and the house. That's married, you just took awhile to get to all the ceremony crap."

"I know." Meredith let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, nodding vigorously. "I know, you're right." She turned away to pace back and forth, wringing her hands together. She was good. She was ready for this. Utterly, completely ready. Still, she suddenly felt as if she'd swallowed a small army of butterflies, and they were all beating wildly in her gut. "But this, Cristina. It's big. It's name-changing, 'til death do us part big. The real thing." She frowned at herself in the mirror. Half her hair had been twisted up into some complicated thing by Izzie, some sort of elegant knot she'd never be able to manage on her own, the rest falling around her in long loose curls. Her scrubs were gone, and instead she was draped all in white. Meredith bit her lip, trying to imagine what Derek's thoughts would be when he saw her. She looked different, like freaking Cinderella. She swallowed hard. "Married." The word struck the air like a mallet.

"Oh great," groaned Cristina. "You _are _freaking out."

"No, I'm not," spluttered Meredith indignantly. "It's just… It's forever. For. Ever." She dragged each syllable out long and torturous before letting her teeth sink back into her lip, biting down hard enough to leave a tiny ring of indents.

Cristina reached out impatiently, and grabbed her by the shoulders, holding her still. "Do you want forever?"

"Yes," said Meredith quietly, instantly. "Of course."

"Great." Cristina let go and brushed her hands together, quirking an eyebrow. "So what's the hold up?"

"Nothing! There's no hold up. I don't know." Meredith sighed, drifting towards the large windows along the far wall. "All those people," she breathed as she reached a hand out to part the curtains. Izzie seemed to materialize at her side out of thin air, slapping her hand away. Meredith jumped back, glaring at her. "What was that for?"

"You can't open the curtains," Izzie rationalized. "Someone might see you in your wedding dress."

Meredith folded her arms over her chest. "It's only Derek who can't see me," she snapped. "Not everyone."

"Yeah, well." Izzie pushed her way in front of the window, parting the curtains just wide enough for one eye to peer through. She surveyed the wide expanse of open land, straining to make out the figures gathering down by the grassy bank. White chairs were arranged in rows facing the water, and people mulled about the lawn, making their way over.

"Is he there?" asked Meredith.

"I don't know," said Izzie absently, trying to pick Derek out in the small blurry group.

"You don't know?" hissed Meredith.

"It's a big crowd," protested Izzie. "And far away."

"No it's not," Meredith snapped. "Thirty people, Izzie. Thirty. His mother, his sisters, their husbands, their kids," she said, ticking them off on her fingers. "And a few people from the hospital. That's not a big crowd! It's a small, tiny, intimate wedding. _How _do you not see him?"

"Umm, people are still arriving," she said meekly.

"Still arriving?" echoed Meredith. "He's the freakin' groom, Izzie! He's been here all day."

"Right, well…" She turned back to staring at the indistinct shapes, trying to zero in on some sort of dark blur she could label as Derek. "I think--"

"Okay, this is why _I'm _the maid of honor," Cristina said, shaking her head at Izzie. "There's a good twenty minutes until this thing gets going. Use your brain, Mer. He's probably still getting dressed downstairs with that stupid grin on his face, counting the seconds until the ceremony starts."

"Right," said Meredith softly.

"Do you think he's _not _going to be there?" Cristina asked, her tone demanding, almost scolding. Meredith bit her lip, giving a slight shrug.

"No. I… Well, he could just--" She cleared her throat, throwing her hands up in the air. "I don't know! I'm nervous, so what if he is too, and gets cold feet?" She stared at Cristina, looking every bit as wide eyed as her daughter. "He could get cold feet," she said quietly.

"Please. He's been so consistently in love with you since day one that it's disgusting. Besides," she joked, "if he tries to make a run for it, Burke's under strict orders to beat him up and tie him to the altar." Meredith just frowned, prompting Cristina to heave an exasperated sigh. She stepped closer, lowering her voice. "Okay. Listen to me, Mer because I'm so not about to say this twice. Actually," she paused, cocking her head to the side, "if you bring this conversation up ever again, I'll just deny its existence, okay?"

"Okay," she stammered, taken aback.

Cristina gave a perfunctory nod, and seated herself on the edge of the windowsill. "You're marrying a good guy," she said quietly. "If I thought there was any chance he'd be an asshole and pull out another surprise wife or leave you alone and pregnant again, I'd have pointed it out already. But he won't. He's less of a McDouche now. And he's not gonna get cold feet. He wants this, and so do you," she added, pointing her finger almost threateningly at Meredith. "So, just get over whatever the hell's making you nervous. You've earned today. Nothing's going to go wrong." She lay a hand on Meredith's arm. "I'm really happy you're marrying him," she said awkwardly.

"You are?"

"Yeah. My only objection's the hair, and I gave up on that one along time ago."

Meredith smirked, giggling despite herself. "Thanks," she whispered. "I just, well… You know."

"I know," agreed Cristina before quickly drawing her hand back. "So, are you good now, or are you planning on freaking out some more?"

"I'm good," Meredith said. Her nerves seemed to dissolve away, leaving her feeling lighter than air, ecstatic, giddy, giggling. "I'm getting married," she said, falling into another round of blissful laughter. "Married. _Today."_

Cristina groaned, and hopped down from the windowsill. "I can't believe I just defended McDreamy for this," she muttered, staring disbelievingly at Meredith as she laughed and dabbed her eyes.

"Mama, look!" Amelia called, cutting her mother's laughter short. Meredith wiped the back of her hand across her cheek, sighing as she turned around.

"What, sweetheart?" Amelia was standing beside Izzie, who'd been keeping her busy, oohing and ahhing with all the required delight as she demonstrated how to open and close the drawers on her mother's dresser. All of the drawers Amelia could reach were now pulled wide open, and she beamed happily at Meredith. "Wow, did you open those all by yourself?"

Amelia nodded, sending her dark curls bouncing. "I do it, mama." She turned quickly to the nearest drawer, and pushed with both hands, declaring "shutta daw" loudly as it slammed shut.

"Shutta daw?" said Cristina, incredulous. "What?"

"Shut the drawer," Meredith translated.

"Right. I still have no clue how you understand half the things the little beast says."

"That was an easy one," she said smugly as she crossed over to Amelia, smiling at her.

"Up?" tried Amelia.

Meredith shook her head. "Finish closing all the drawers, please." Amelia nodded gravely, returning her focus to the dresser. Just as the final drawer was shut, someone knocked tentatively, and Meredith turned to find Derek's mother standing in the doorway. Jacqueline looked unusually hesitant, clutching a small wrapped box in her hands, fidgeting with delicate spiral of ribbon tied around it. Meredith froze and promptly began chewing on her lower lip. Things with Jacqueline were …better, but she never was quite sure how to act around her. "Uh, hello," she said at last, forcing herself to kill the silence. "Were you looking for the washroom?" she asked, latching onto the first thought that came to mind.

"No, I just--" Jacqueline shook her head, and backed up a step, almost disappearing into the hallway. "Sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to get a glimpse of you lovely ladies before the ceremony started. You all look beautiful." Her gaze drifted to where her granddaughter stood. Amelia had retreated so that she was half hidden from view, cowering behind Meredith's gown. "And you too, Mia," she added warmly.

Meredith glanced down at her abruptly shy child, giving her a nudge. "Amelia, say hello to grandma."

"Yes," whispered Amelia as she stared up at her mother.

"Say hi, sweetheart," prompted Meredith again, and, with a second nudge, Amelia shuffled forward a few steps.

"Hi," she lisped, her voice just as quiet as before.

Jacqueline moved forward, crouching down to her level. "Hello," she said softly. She smiled disbelievingly at Amelia. Other than a quick hurried greeting the day before--just a brief hello before Meredith had whisked the little girl away with her--the only other time she'd seen granddaughter was when Amelia had been five months old. Just a little thing in her mother's arms. Jacqueline shook her head wonderingly. She'd grown into a perfect blend of both her parents; small boned and petite like her mother, with identical sea-green eyes, but with the black curls of her father framing her pale delicate face. "I heard you have a special job today," she said.

"Yes," said Amelia, staring down at her shoes.

"That you're helping with the wedding," continued Jacqueline. Amelia just nodded that time, glancing up at Jacqueline from beneath her eyelashes. "Well, you look like a princess, Amelia. You've got such a pretty dress and flowers in your hair."

Amelia lifted a hand to her hair at that, a smile finally tweaking the corners of her mouth. "On head," she stated proudly.

"Why yes, they're on your head," agreed Jacqueline, grinning at her before slowly straightening back up. "She's absolutely gorgeous, Meredith."

Meredith smiled back uncertainly. "Thanks, I… I think so." The two women stared at each other, seeming almost equally hesitant, both unable to move. Finally, Izzie cleared her throat, elbowing Cristina in the ribs.

"Uh, we'll wait downstairs," she said quietly. "I'll give Mia a snack." Meredith seemed to jerk back to life, turning from Jacqueline to look at her.

"Okay," she stammered. "Just nothing messy. She's wearing white. And would you fix her bow?" She waved a hand towards the violet sash tied around Amelia's waist, the fabric matching Izzie and Cristina's dresses. Izzie just nodded, taking Amelia's hand and exiting the room. Meredith swallowed hard, looking up at Jacqueline. "Is there something you need?"

Jacqueline coughed, forcing her voice to steady itself out. "I wanted to give you this," she said as she held out the small wrapped box she'd brought with her.

Meredith bit her lip, eyeing the present. "You didn't need to do that," she said, feeling a sudden, unexpected pang of guilt as she took the box from Jacqueline. She tugged on the ribbon, and it fell away easily.

"I wanted to," said Jacqueline awkwardly, watching as Meredith ripped the paper and opened the box, revealing a slender silver bracelet nestled within. It seemed as ancient as it was beautiful, the silver woven into a quietly ornate braid, three diamonds nestled into the metallic weave.

"Thank you," Meredith murmured. She touched the bracelet with a fingertip, and the cool metal sent a jolt through her body. "But you really didn't have to get me anything," she added, shaking her head at the bracelet. "It's too much." It was almost painfully beautiful, continually drawing her gaze, and Meredith found herself wanting to feel its weight around her wrist. But Jacqueline… They'd never managed to be anything more than polite to each other, the chasm that had been created in the beginning still existing over two years later. She'd avoided the woman, not wanted her to visit. Only now, Jacqueline was standing there, looking so… She couldn't even place it. Hopeful, friendly, sad. Maybe something else entirely. And she was giving her a gift. Not "the Shepherds." Just _her._ It was too much. She sighed, "I can't--"

"It was my grandmother's," said Jacqueline, cutting her off. "Then my mother's, then mine. That's the hard thing about having four daughters." She laughed quietly, shaking her head. "I always felt guilty trying to choose just one to give it to. But you… Meredith, I want you to have this."

"No, I couldn't. If it's from your family, I…one of your daughters should…"

"I want you to have this," repeated Jacqueline firmly. "It's my fault you didn't get the sort of welcoming into our family you deserved when we first met, and I hope you know how sorry I am for that." She reached out, closing Meredith's fingers tightly around the box. "I want you to know I'm truly glad to have you in our family, marrying my son." Meredith just gaped at her, unable to manage a single sound, much less an actual word. "When I first met you, I wanted to hate you for turning Derek into a different man. I was right that you'd changed him, but I was also so, so wrong. You've made him a better man, and happier than I've ever seen him. Whenever he calls, he wants only to talk about you and Amelia."

"Oh, well," said Meredith, her face flushing. Her voice stammered out, twisted and garbled with embarrassment, and she stared at the floor. "That's just because, I don't even know. I mean, Amelia, yes. Of course he talks about Amelia, she's his daughter. But me? No, I don't know why he'd… He's probably trying to--"

"Meredith," said Jacqueline. Her tone was almost bewildered, and she smiled at her, looking thoughtfully perplexed. "Of course he talks about you. He loves you. He's proud of you." She shook her head, suddenly teary eyed as she tightened her grip on Meredith's hand. "And I'm proud of you too," she said quietly. "Catching up with the rest of your year at the hospital while still having time for your family? That can't have been easy, but you did it. Derek's lucky to have found himself such an amazing woman."

Meredith nodded slowly, trying to process the barrage of pretty, perfect words. Her throat felt suddenly dry, and she forced herself to swallow. She had to reply. To say something. Anything. But she could only stare like some gaping slack jawed idiot who certainly wasn't amazing in any way. The bracelet hung between them like an offering, and she jerked her gaze from it to focus on Jacqueline. There was a gentleness to her that Meredith swore she didn't remember. The formidable woman who'd shown up unannounced on her doorstep was gone, that same strength transformed into something gentler, maybe loving. Certainly welcoming. It was the difference between an insurmountable wall designed to keep her out, and a gate that hung open, promising protection and perhaps a way in. Meredith swallowed again, still battling speechlessness.

"You don't need to feel obligated to wear it if it makes you uncomfortable or its not your taste, but please, Meredith, let me give you this."

Jacqueline's voice shattered the silence, strangely beseeching, and Meredith blinked, her mind made up in an instant. "Would you help me put it on?" she asked quietly.

"I," Jacqueline stammered, shocked. "Yes, of course I would." Neither said a word as she lifted the bracelet out of the box and wrapped it around Meredith's slender wrist, clasping it shut. The silver and the diamonds caught the light, shimmering against her skin.

"It's beautiful," she whispered, tilting her arm so the bracelet slid, sending a thrill coursing through her as it settled heavily just past her wrist where her hand started to widen. It was unbelievably beautiful, and it was Jacqueline's. No. It was _hers _now. She bit her lip, still staring at the bracelet, at the history that seemed to radiate from it. Jacqueline had just given her a piece of her own past, and she swore something felt different now. She was no longer just the woman Derek wanted, but someone who was wanted in his family, by his family, by his own mother. And nothing was being asked of her in return. She simply was wanted. _Wanted_. Meredith sniffled, blinking back tears. "Thank you," she said quietly, her voice sounding strange, foreign. "I… It means a lot to me. What you said, it--" She shook her head again, smiling tentatively up at Jacqueline. "Thank you."

Before she had a chance to shy away, before she even really processed what was happening, Jacqueline reached out and pulled her into a hug. She stiffened at first, like a cardboard cutout of a bride. But then her arms lifted on their own volition, the top of her head just reaching Jacqueline's shoulder as she hugged back. Standing there, Meredith found she could only smile. Smile, and perhaps, finally, truly begin to forgive her.

-----

It was the sort of day made for remembering. The sky was unfurled overhead, an endless banner of deep blue gone dusky with the promise of twilight, the setting sun just beginning to paint the water as a tapestry of reds and rusts and golden light. The waves lapped against the shore in a soft rolling rhythm that blended with the sweeter strains of a violin. Candles lined the path that cut through the assembled chairs, and their pale glow made the approaching darkness seem almost magical. Petals strewn over the lush carpet of grass marked the aisle, leading to a tall simple arch that bore an abundance of lilacs and sprigs of lavender. The air was heavy with their scent, reminding Derek of Meredith. She was intrinsically linked with flowers in his mind, and, as he stared at the perfect blossoms, his body hummed with anticipation. He was marrying her. Meredith was going to be his wife, and that thought alone made the ground disappear. The word sounded more than perfect. It left him floating.

He stared out at the assembled group, surveying them to give himself something to do. The gathering was an intimate one; just his family and the few people from the hospital Meredith loved enough to count as her own. But she had wanted a small wedding. Nothing extravagant, no big church. Just a minister willing to come out and marry them as they wished, something simple, nondenominational. Just them. Derek smiled, remembering the day Meredith had finally figured out where she wanted to be married. He'd taken her to see the foundation that had been lain for their house, and she'd spun around, taking it all in. Her laughter had been infectious, and before he'd realized what she was doing, Meredith had tackled him to the ground. She'd loomed over him, smiling with her hair in his face, and told him she wanted to marry him "right here." And here he was, almost two years later. After the house had been built and they'd moved in. After Meredith had gotten over the feeling of being continually behind at work. After they were both somewhat convinced that Amelia was old enough to be left in Izzie's care for a few days while they went on their honeymoon. Everything was ready. Everything was perfect. Every last detail reminded him of Meredith, and Derek swore he'd remember it all.

He cast a sideways glance to where Burke stood beside him, serving as his best man. He felt a strange pang, something almost like regret, that it wasn't Mark standing up with him. The first time he'd married, he'd loved the man beside him like a brother. But that bridge hadn't been mended, and now it was merely friendship and respect, not fierce undying loyalty that led him to choose his best man. Now Meredith was the only person he trusted so completely, and the thought of her was more than enough to erase the momentary regret. He was marrying Meredith. _Marrying _her. Today. He felt like a little boy on Christmas morning, wanting desperately to get to the presents, but secretly relishing the anticipation almost as much. "It should be starting soon," he said, straining to keep the ridiculous rush of excitement out of his voice.

Burke nodded in agreement. "Should be."

The air felt charged, crackling like a live thing, pulsing with anticipation. Even as they spoke, as if their words had been a summons, the music swelled. The sweet whine and cry, the almost human melody of the violin filled the night, and a whisper rushed like wildfire through the assembled group. Derek turned back towards the aisle to find Amelia walking towards him. He smiled disbelievingly, filling with pride at the sight of her. He nodded in greeting, grinning at her, and a smile immediately stretched its way across her face.

"Daddy!" Amelia cried, her voice rising even above the music. A hushed chorus of "awws" quickly followed as she nearly doubled her pace, clearing the rest of the aisle at an eager unsteady run. Derek shook his head, chuckling as Amelia bounded up to him. She had a small bundle of flowers clutched in her hands, and thrust it towards him as she stumbled to an abrupt halt. "Pwetty," she whispered loudly.

"Yeah," Derek agreed, keeping his voice soft. "Those are very pretty, Mia."

Amelia frowned at that, rising up on tiptoes to hoist the flowers even higher into the air. "Daddy, you," she said sternly. She pushed them insistently towards his hand.

"Oh," said Derek. "For me? Thank you, munchkin." He took the offered flowers, depositing them safely in his pocket before turning back to her. "Let's be quiet and watch mommy now, okay?"

"Yes," she said, sitting unceremoniously down in the grass at his feet. She looked back up at him, her expression stern once more. "Be quiet, daddy," she ordered as if the idea had been entirely her own.

"Okay," Derek said, having to bite back a laugh at the sudden seriousness of his two-year-old. His gaze drifted swiftly back towards the aisle, and his heart skipped a beat. Maybe it skipped two. Hell, it could've stopped beating entirely for all he knew. If someone told him he'd died and gone to heaven, he certainly wouldn't be able to argue. This could be it. Easily. Izzie and Cristina had made their way down the aisle, and everyone was rising to their feet as the music swelled to even greater heights, the melody changing and pouring out into the night. And then it was just Meredith standing there. Just Meredith, and the rest of the world fading away into the approaching dark, leaving him in what surely had to be heaven. He swallowed hard, drinking in the sight of her. She was smiling softly, shyly, slipping into her nervous habit of chewing on her lower lip. She seemed afraid to start walking, and stood at the end of the aisle, fidgeting with her bouquet of flowers. But, as soon as their eyes locked, her hesitant smile blossomed into the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. She started walking towards him slowly, like something out of a dream. Her dress hugged her body close, outlining her gentle curves in white, and swishing long and loose like a wave around her feet. She glowed golden in the candlelight and the setting sun, her hair capturing the light, keeping it her prisoner. And Derek couldn't breathe, couldn't blink, couldn't even think anything other than the syllables of her name. Over and over, they rang like something sacred inside his head until she was all that there was. Just Meredith walking towards him, her gaze never straying as his world turned over in the depths of her eyes.

And then she was in front of him, so close, so real, so perfect. So completely his. She stood surrounded by the flowers beneath the arch, golden and smiling, staring raptly up at him. Her eyes were already glistening with the promise of tears, and Derek felt his heart thudding against his chest with every beat. "Hey," he whispered, the word so faint that it existed more in the movement of his lips than the sound of his voice.

Meredith's smile widened even further, and she mouthed the word back. "Hey."

The music faded away, folding into silence, leaving the world hushed and still. The minister stepped forward, clearing his throat. He was a tall older man, his movements elegant and precise, but Derek barely even registered his presence. Everything was wound up in Meredith's eyes, and he couldn't look away. _Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this evening to celebrate the love before us, and, in the presence of these witnesses… _The words floated through his mind like something heard on the edge of sleep, the low melodic pitch of the minister's voice mimicking the sea. _To join Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey in marriage… _She reached out impulsively at that, grabbing his hand, pulling his attention to the soft touch of her skin on his. _Which is commended to be honorable among all men, and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. _The words drifted around him as Meredith wove her slender fingers tightly with his own, but the gesture was jittery and nervous. Derek squeezed back, stilling her fidgeting with the gentle press of his palm. He tilted his head to the side, one eyebrow raised and his eyes questioning. Meredith gave a slight nod and shifted closer, her gaze never drifting from his face. She seemed to relax a little, and, as she did, the minister's voice became something he could hear again. _Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace._

The words were met with silence and a hum of anticipation. Derek chanced a glance down at Amelia to find her staring up at them intently, seeming to somehow grasp the seriousness of what they were doing. He breathed deeply, marveling at how right this felt. He barely noticed the assembled audience, and heard nothing of the minister's continued remarks on marriage. It all faded away almost purposely, so that he saw Meredith with exquisite clarity. All he saw, all he knew was contained in her alone; every last little detail from the pale blue that seeped around the endless green of her eyes, to just how the light bounced off her hair, to the way her lip was curling soft and inviting into a smile that was just for him, Derek took it all in. He felt only her hand in his, the press of his daughter's head leaning against his leg, and his own heart swelling as the music had. It was perfect in a way he didn't remember from his first marriage, filling him with a feeling of rightness that seemed to seep even into the very marrow of his bones.

It wasn't until Meredith's eyes tore unexpectedly from his own that he realized the minister had stepped back to allow Cristina to make her way to the small podium. She cleared her throat, staring almost challengingly out at the audience before turning to focus on Amelia. "Hey Mia," she said, her voice unusually gentle. Derek watched as his daughter looked up delightedly at her name. Cristina grinned at her, prompting Amelia to smile back. "Listen up because you might remember this part. Apparently, your mom was one of those kids who liked to walk around with her nose in a book when she was little, and this is from one of her favorites." Derek looked back at Meredith, remembering the night he'd come home to find her sitting with Amelia curled half asleep in her lap, her voice soft and lyrical as she read aloud from an old raggedy copy of _The Velveteen Rabbit_. She had turned bright red when she'd realized he was standing there listening, and had started stammering that she knew Amelia was probably too young to understand the story, but that she was practically asleep anyway, and didn't he have a surgery to be doing or something? It had taken over an hour to coax a coherent explanation out of her; that it had been her favorite book as a child, that her father used to read it to her every night, and that she'd struggled her way through it on her own after he left. Now, she looked just as vulnerable as she had that night, her nails biting into his palm while her teeth worried at her lower lip. Derek ran his thumb over the back of her hand in a slow soothing gesture as Cristina's voice filled the air, devoid of its usual sarcasm.

"'_What is real?' asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. 'Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?' _

'_Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.'_

'_Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit._

'_Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'  
_

'_Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'_

'_It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'"  
_

By the time she'd finished reading, Meredith's eyes had filled to the brim with tears. She blinked them away, but one escaped to cut a shimmering path down her cheek. Derek had to fight the urge to scoop her up into his arms right then and kiss even the remnants of her tears away, forcing himself to simply squeeze her hand yet again. She smiled back brilliantly, lighting up even as she sniffled a little.

"Derek and Meredith," said the minister, his voice jerking Derek back out of his reverie. "I ask you now to join both hands as an example of how, from this day forth, your lives will be forever entwined." Meredith glanced down at the flowers she still clutched in her left hand before looking back up at him, wide eyed and flustered. Before Derek could even draw a breath, Izzie had stepped up discreetly, taking the bouquet from her, and slipping back into place. And then both of Meredith's hands were clasped in his own, the slight weight of her palms resting in his, filling him with a rushing spreading warmth. "Derek," continued the minister solemnly. "Do you take Meredith to be your wife, the mother of your children, and your partner in life, to love and cherish her, to protect her, and to encourage her in all that she does? For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, do you give yourself to her alone for so long as you both shall live?"

Derek swallowed hard, suddenly struggling to find his voice. "I do," he said hoarsely, nodding his head.

Meredith smiled up at him, her eyes watering as the same questions were asked of her. "I do," she said in answer, clutching his hands with a desperate strength. Derek's heartbeat seemed to double at the sound of her voice.

"Derek and Meredith will now share their own vows with each other," continued the minister. He retreated back a few steps, and silence followed fiercely. Derek frowned, suddenly painfully aware of the audience that stood just a few feet away. He chanced a glance at them only to feel his face flush, and turned back to the safety of Meredith's eyes. He sucked in a deep breath, steeling himself to go first. The words…the words he knew, but he wasn't quite sure where his voice had gone. Meredith was looking at him expectantly, and he swore his heart had leapt up into his head to pound brutally against his skull. Every second was a century, and he felt a sudden sharp twist of fear. Impulsively, Derek reached out, cupping Meredith's face in the palm of his hand. His fingertips brushed against her hair, its familiar texture grounding him.

"Mer," he said softly, and her name on his lips was like a breath of life, finding him his voice again. "Not everyone believes in second chances, but they only need to look at you to know that they exist. I know without a doubt that you're mine, and you've given me far more chances to make this right than I've deserved. You've given me a reason to be happy when I couldn't find one on my own. You've given me your love and our daughter. And every day, it's the promise of seeing your smile and hearing your voice that gives me a life worth living. You're beautiful and selfless, and I will be forever in your debt." He paused, drawing in another deep breath and relishing the sight of Meredith staring up at him. Tears spilled from her eyes, rolling silently down her cheeks, and her fingers trembled in his grasp. Derek smiled, his voice growing hushed and reverent. "Meredith, I'll gladly spend the rest of my life repaying that debt; by doing my best to make you happy, and crying with you when I cannot make you smile, by never letting an argument grow so big that it pulls us apart, but always remembering that where I belong is beside you. I promise I will never leave you, but will treasure you with every breath as the one who gave me my second chance at finding joy. Mer, I've picked you, I've chosen you, and I promise I will love you until the day I die."

Meredith let out a sob, a shaky little thing that rose to fill the night as Derek fell silent. She glanced up at the star studded sky stretched overhead, blinking rapidly. Tears rolled freely down her cheeks, and her smile was a beautiful trembling thing that made his heart twist. She glanced at her feet, their joined hands and the lilacs that filled the arch before daring to meet his eyes again. When she finally lifted her gaze to his, her tears nearly doubled, and her shoulders started to shake. "Hey," Derek murmured, lifting a hand to her face, and swiping at her tears with the pad of his thumb. She leaned into his touch, her eyes falling shut. When she opened them again--bright green and glistening--her shoulders had stopped trembling.

"Derek," she said softly. She shook her head and sniffled, still blinking away tears. "Derek, I love you. Even that, it's strange for me. I never thought I'd be here, that I would love like this and want to marry. I was raised as a child of science. I was taught to trust the feel of a scalpel in my hand over the warmth of someone's arms around me, to believe that love is nothing more than a sign of weakness, and to trust in facts and logic above all else. But, it is a fact that your smile is enough to keep my world turning, and there is _nothing _logical about that." Meredith shook her head again, catching her breath, and Derek found himself blinking back his own tears. She stepped closer and dropped her voice slightly, her words seeming to seep even into his blood, to course through his heart. "You broke the mold I set for my life. You taught me that sometimes it's okay to leap blindly. That the risks that come with loving someone completely are ones well worth taking. Because of this, because of your love, I'm not afraid, but am simply damning logic, and swearing to you that I will always be here. That I will walk with you every day. That I will hold you up when life makes you too tired to stand on your own, and will let you carry me when it's my feet that falter. Our love doesn't weaken us. Instead, together, we're made stronger. Derek, I would follow you blindly if you asked me to because you hold my heart in your hands, and I trust you to keep it safe."

Meredith's voice faded away into the soft silence of the night, and her expression grew suddenly shy, her smile tentative as she looked at him. "Mer," whispered Derek, lifting her hand to his cheek, and kissing its palm. Their faces were both tear streaked and all he could do was stare at her in awe, wonder how he got so damn lucky. Before he had a chance to work out any sort of decent explanation, the minister was standing beside them and saying something about rings. Rings…_the _rings. Derek snuffled raggedly, trying to pull himself together. A cold metal circle was pressed into his palm and he frowned, dragging the words they'd chosen up out of the depth of his memory. "Meredith," he said softly as he turned her hand over in his. She nodded, smiling disbelievingly at him, her eyes still gleaming with tears. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. Keep it, and be my wife." He slid the band around her slender finger as he spoke, feeling once again as if he moved through a dream.

"Derek," said Meredith, her voice light and breathy. He watched as her small hand ran over his larger one, pulling it closer to her. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. Keep it, and be my husband." Meredith pushed the ring down the length of his finger, nudging it carefully into place. Satisfied, she looked up, and he saw his own happiness echoed in her eyes.

"And so," continued the minister as Derek felt his smile broaden into some sort of giddy, ridiculous, face-stretching grin. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." The words were like a gunshot, and Derek leaned forward instantly, pulling Meredith to him. Her body crashed against his, his mouth finding its match. The kiss was warm and searching, their faces both wet with tears. He wrapped an arm around her waist and dipped her down, down, down, letting his tongue delve deep into her mouth. Meredith's hand reached up to tangle in his hair, kissing him back just as fiercely. She was all that there was; a new axis for the world rooted in the feel of her lips upon his. Meredith was his. She was his for eternity. His wife. The thought brought with it a heady rush of exhilaration, and Derek drew her back up, lifting her high into the air. Meredith squealed as her feet left the ground, clasping his face as she showered him with kisses. And Derek spun her around until she laughed, the sound of her happiness filling the air even as it rushed past his lips, pouring down his throat to fill him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Drs. Meredith and Derek Shepherd!"

And then it wasn't just her laughter filling the night, but the sounds of their families cheering as well. Slowly, Derek set her back down on her feet, holding her close. "Hey," he murmured, catching her mouth in a softer shorter kiss.

"Hey," Meredith said. "We're married."

"We are," agreed Derek. He nodded slowly, letting his gaze drift to the heavens. The sun had set completely, light coming solely from the candles and the pale wash of the moon. "I think we're supposed to walk down the aisle now," he said with a wink as violin music once again permeated the night.

"Oh, right." She shook her head, still laughing. The sound was blissful and perfect, like bells, and Derek thought he could stand there forever, just listening. "What about Mia?"

He glanced down for Amelia only to find that the space where she'd been sitting was empty. The worry that immediately pulsed through him was short lived as he glanced up, and immediately caught sight of her. She'd wandered over to where his sisters' children sat, and had plopped down beside his youngest niece. The two little girls seemed to already be friends, and were giggling and clapping their hands together wildly, caught up in the excitement surrounding them.

Derek grinned, pressing his lips to Meredith's temple. "She's good for now," he said before pulling his wife close to him, and whisking her away down the aisle.

-----

The reception was a loud and vibrant thing that spilled from the dining room of their home out into their wide back yard. White lights had been strung up along the deck, woven into the boughs of several trees, and wrapped around Amelia's swing set. Everything glowed like a fairytale--shimmering magically against the dark of night--and Meredith felt like she'd been tossed head first into just such a story. The princess who'd landed her prince, about to ride off into the distance with him on a white horse. It was ridiculous, completely ridiculous, but she couldn't stop smiling. She was married. Really married, with a ring on her finger and a husband at her side. That alone was enough to make her feel dizzy, but there was also food and champagne and cake in excess, and people congratulating them so often that she could barely process it all. Music was filling the night, the melody soft and gentle, mixing strangely with the squeals of the younger children. They were running about, using the open expanse of grass to their full advantage, and Meredith kept an eye on Amelia as she leaned against Derek, swaying slowly with him to the music. Amelia was doing her best to keep up with her cousins, having apparently caught a second wind from all the energy around her.

"She's got to be tired," Meredith said, lifting her head from Derek's shoulder to look him in the eye as Amelia toddled past with two of his nieces. Her nieces now. Their nieces.

"Probably," he agreed, running a hand through her hair. "But if we try to put her to bed right now, we'll get nothing but hysterics."

"So your plan is to wait until she runs herself exhausted?"

"Something like that," Derek said with a grin. He pulled Meredith closer to him, and she leaned into his touch. His arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, and the weight of them resting there was warm and reassuring. "Make it easier on Izzie."

Meredith chuckled, twisting her head a little so that her lips grazed his jaw line in a fleeting kiss. "That's right. She offered to wrangle the kid for us." She watched as Amelia and her two little companions spun and twisted about on the makeshift dance floor, getting in the way of the other couples as they tried to dance like the adults. Meredith bit her lip, shifting fitfully. "I hope she'll be okay without us," she murmured.

"She'll be fine," promised Derek.

"She's just a baby though. What if she gets scared?"

Derek ran a hand up and down Meredith's bare arm, the motion slow and soothing. "Mia's slept at your old house before when we've both been on call. You know that, Mer. And she loves Izzie and George. She'll be just fine."

"You're not just saying that because you want to guarantee yourself uninterrupted wife ravishing time?"

"Wife ravishing?" echoed Derek, his eyebrows shooting straight up. "That's a new one." He smirked and leaned forward so that his breath tickled her neck, and Meredith had to struggle to keep from squirming. "I believe the term you're looking for," he said slowly, his voice teasing. "Is consummating our marriage."

"Right…" Meredith giggled, and twined her arms around his neck, her fingers toying with his hair. He looked good so dressed up, his shoulders broad beneath his black suit. She bit her lip, and let her hands drift from his hair to trace the edge of his tie. Actually, the tie, the suit, it was all better than good. It was ridiculously sexy. Her ridiculously sexy husband. Meredith laughed again, the novelty of the word far from wearing off. She snatched his hand from her waist, holding it caught between them, staring at the ring. "Well," she coughed, trying to concentrate on something more coherent than the bubbling chain of thoughts that was her _husband_ in a suit. "Whatever you're calling it these days--"

Derek spun her around, sky and grass blurring into streaky insignificance as he stole her words from her with a searing kiss, his tongue forcing its way past her lips. She clung to him as they kept spinning, no longer willing to trust that the ground was beneath her feet. It felt like she might be upside down for all she knew. There was only Derek's mouth and Derek's hands, his breath filling her lungs in this delicious spiral that erased the world. His teeth scraped her bottom lip, tugging it down and shooting her even further into incoherency. He stopped abruptly just as she was starting to get drunk on the constant spinning and kissing alone, and pulled away. He looked smug, smirking at her as she gasped and staggered against him. "You were saying?" he asked with a tilt of his head, effortlessly flashing her a grin that seeped with charm.

"Ass," muttered Meredith, shaking her head. "I was saying?" She paused, chewing on her lip. Her mind was a blank, still off spinning somewhere useless. She was completely useless, and it was all his fault. Her husband's fault. She tried to frown, but ended up grinning again. Husband. "I was saying that, well. Um…" Derek just kept smirking, looking almost criminally smug. "Whatever happened to you never dancing in public?" she blurted out.

There. That wiped the smirk away for an instant, replacing it with a simple look of surprise. "Well," murmured Derek thoughtfully as he leaned forward, placing a softer chaste kiss to her lips. She sighed, and stared up into his eyes, still able to pick out the smoky vibrant blue even though they were swaying in the shadows. "This isn't public. It's our wedding," he said, and that was enough to do her in, to send her bubbling over into pathetic, melting, giddy incoherency all over again. And somehow, it was the best feeling in the world.

"Yeah," she agreed softly, shaking her head in disbelief. "It's our wedding." Someone tugged unexpectedly on her dress, turning her attention from Derek and towards the ground. Amelia stood there, her flowers askew, her hair a disheveled mess of curls. Her eyelids drooped a little as if she could stumble into sleep without any effort at all.

"Seep, seep Mia?" asked Amelia hopefully.

Meredith smiled, and straightened up in Derek's arms. "Are you tired, baby girl?" she asked.

"Yes. Seep now?" Amelia said, yawning widely. Derek let go of Meredith, bending down to scoop Amelia up into his arms. "Up," she mumbled happily, already curling to lay her head on his shoulder.

"Yeah. You're up, munchkin," he agreed. He shifted Amelia so that he held her with one arm, and pulled Meredith back to him with the other. "How about you dance with mommy and daddy for one dance, and then it'll be sleepy time for Mia?" Amelia just nodded, the top of her head bumping gently against his chin. Meredith ran a hand up and down Amelia's back, smiling as her eyelids fluttered open and close, lingering on the verge of sleep.

"Mama and daddy mahweed?" mumbled Amelia, cuddling closer to them, clinging to Derek with tiny hands.

"Yeah," said Meredith, drawing back to grin at Derek. "We're married, Mia."

"We are," he agreed.

"Ohtay," Amelia sighed, the sound soft and happy, and her eyes finally fell all the way shut, a peaceful smile on her face. Derek smiled and kissed the top of her head before turning back to Meredith, capturing her mouth with his own.

"Meredith," he murmured as they pulled apart, drawing her name out as if he was hearing it for the first time, as if it was something special, something worth savoring. She nodded, quirking an eyebrow at his sudden change in mood. "I, well," he toyed with the strands of her hair, winding them around his fingers. "Thank you."

"Thank you?"

Derek glanced down at the ground, seeming almost embarrassed. "For marrying me," he said. "I just--" He shook his head, heaving a sigh before letting his gaze drift back to her face. His eyes were fiercer than usual, intense in a way that made her shiver and lean closer. "God, I love you, Mer." His voice was a husky whisper, drawing her in.

"I love you too," Meredith said, feeling as if her heart had been hung somewhere too high to fathom. As if she stretched from where her toes pressed into the grass all the way up past the trees and the white lights to the canopy of stars sprinkled overhead, and every last endless inch felt happier than she could ever remember feeling before. "I really, really love you," she murmured, speaking close to his ear so that the words reached him and him alone.

They fell into silence as Amelia fell into sleep--beautiful, dizzying, perfect silence that didn't hunger for words. It was just them. Their family. Meredith sighed and lay her head on Derek's shoulder, her lips pressing softly against his neck. He held her close with his free arm even as he cradled Amelia with the other, as if he wanted nothing more than to protect the both of them. And Meredith wound her arms tightly around the broad plane of his back, feeling the muscles shift beneath her palm, keeping him close to her. She listened as the low steady hush of Amelia's breathing blended with the music and the low murmur of Derek's voice, humming the melody like a lullaby to their daughter. Everything but the three of them blinked away into insignificance, and Meredith just stood there, falling into something she thought might be bliss.

_The End_  
-----

_And, that's it! First, I'd like to point out that the thing Cristina reads is, as stated, from The Velveteen Rabbit, which is a children's book by Margery Williams. It's definitely not my own, but I did love the book as a little girl. Anyway, a few people have been asking if I'm going to write a sequel to this. I'm toying with the idea because, on the one hand, I'm going to be sad to let go of this little Mer/Der world. I've had a lot of fun playing in it. But, on the other hand, I think their story feels fairly complete. I'm not sure where I would go next with them, and I've got a post season three idea that I'm definitely going to be writing this summer. (I need to take a short break to recharge, but then I'm going to start working on that one right away.) If I do decide to do a sequel to World, I'll definitely post an additional author's note to this story with the new title, but right now…I don't feel like I can safely that I'll write one. (Sorry…) _

_And lastly, just thank you so much to everyone who's read this story, and put up with yet another version of the pregnant Meredith story. I know it's taken me a long time to actually get to the finishing point, and I'm sorry about that. I know things dragging on forever can be frustrating. I've never tackled something this large before, and it was definitely a challenging experience for me. But, it was also a really fun experience, and knowing other people were enjoying it really motivated me to keep going. So, thank you so, so much. It's been fun! _


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